A/N: Finally! Dayum, took me quite a long time to write an update for Chinmoku. Sorry, the heat is really getting into my head, I can't seem to concentrate...
I don't think I did this part greatly, I can't really concentrate well while writing, I wish the weather here in the Philippines would cool up a little bit...I feel like staying in an cold room or even a freezer, I can't stand it, this heat is making me lazy, I'm sorry.
I'm also easily distracted, been fangirling over the picture in my sig...hahaha, I've been staring at it with a grin on my face because Rena and Yuki sure looks cute there, they sure look alike though.
Anyways, before the update, gonna reply to anzai-san's comment!
Reply:@anzai-san - Thanks. Haha, its dedicated to you two, that's why I wrote your names there. Oh great teasers, I'll really get back at you once I get the right time to write it.
Ehh...hahahaha, Kiriban at every 100+? I probably can't draw that much because its hard to think of a good pose for BlackGeki.
I'll try making another drawing though for 3000+... O-ohh...You're complementing me too much, I don't really think greatly of it.
Of course it is darker. I did give out a few hints that Black and Geki's pasts are pretty...sad and painful, so you can say that I have no choice but to make it darker. My ideas for that one isn't that all too dangerous, anzai-san.
Oh right, thanks to those who have given me their thank yous in my Kiriban post, and also to anzai-san for commenting.
Anyways, here it is! An update, hope you guys at least enjoy this? I tried my best even under this horrid heat...I at least hope that it would be a good read.
<<------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->>
Chinmoku
----
Part VI
----
She looked like a total idiot, Black thought to herself while she maintained her position. Only small sniffles and muffled sobs escaped from her after having calmed down from crying hard since long ago. The older girl no longer even had the strength to move too much considering how much taxing her crying was to her stamina.
Black embraced her body tightly, feeling cold from staying out for quite a long time. She could not remember what time it was already, nor could she remember how long she has been sitting on the pavement for what seemed to be eternity just from crying out her tears that never seemed to fall into an ending.
What she did remember well however was that she was all alone, that Gekikara left her and that she did not do anything to stop the younger queen.
‘…It’s my fault…’ Black bitterly thought, grasping her rosary tightly, the feeling of sharp metal digging into her palm, breaking the skin and flesh of her palm. Small drops of blood oozed from the wound, it felt painful and it stung but she did not let go of the metal cross.
She could never let it go.
Not when she had let go something important and precious to her.
It sent a bitter tinge in her mouth, the thought of not doing anything at all.
It was embarrassing, her own stupidity, and to think that she had been dubbed as the smartest in their class before in the past. It seemed like a mockery now to her just by remembering it and comparing her state and her actions.
What was becoming of her?
What exactly?
It feels like she had lost her posture all too quickly.
Just about everything in Black felt jumbled and mixed, it felt disturbing how she was acting up. She never mostly losses her posture and her aim, yet now, it seemed like almost everything was erased from her mind, except of the scene that occurred moments ago.
Black clenched her jaws, tightening her grip on the cross, steeling herself from crying again yet failing when tears formed at the corner of her eyes.
Separations hurt.
It hurts quite a lot, especially when the bond is already and when you’ve been together for quite a long time.
For so long and for many experiences and trials, she always had the younger queen beside her, through thick and thin and through all the pain and sadness, yet not having her right now was like an equivalent, or maybe something much more painful than the past that Black did not want to remember.
Adults say that experience is the best teacher, that line has been true to its words, but painful it is to go through and remembering just hurts just as much as reliving the experiences. It felt like she had almost torn the invisible wounds and scars open inside her heart.
It hurts yet she knew isn’t the only one hurting.
She knew that, she wasn’t that much of an idiot not to know.
If Black herself was hurting just this much, then so would it be for the younger girl. Separations never end well when both party have to part, it always hurts, no matter how little or big the bond is. It will always hurt.
It was selfish of her to do nothing but watch and leave things to be as it is. It was selfish for her just to let Gekikara try to even maintain their bond together. It was as if she was making the other girl carry everything for her.
It wasn’t fair of her.
A bond, a relationship only works when two people try to maintain it, if it’s only one person holding onto the other end, everything would just fall apart and break, and if both party don’t perspire to keep the bond, it would really just break when both of them gives up.
That was how fragile and precious bonds are.
That was how important it is.
Thinking of that, Black realized something that she was suppose to see long ago and coming to that point of finally thinking of it, it made Black pound her fist on the pavement in her own anger.
‘Why…didn’t I realize it sooner?’
‘…All those times I’ve been so self-centered…and so selfish…I never noticed it at all.’ Black gritted her teeth and scoffed, tears slowly dropping down from her cheeks to her chin.
She had been too selfish to the point that she had taken Gekikara’s dependence on her for granted, yet she did not bother to even remember what exactly her purpose was for being friends with the younger girl or why she held out her hand to Gekikara in the past until just now.
It struck her hard, remembering exactly what her purpose was for being friends with Gekikara and it sent more tears flowing down her cheeks.
Her whole purpose was that she wanted to reach out for Gekikara and pull her out of her miserable self and because she wanted to see the younger girl smiling.
It was ironic.
The reason why they became friends started out with her selfless wish that also ended with her own selfishness.
Why exactly was she so hung up with her past in the first place? Why was she so blinded that she did not even see it? Was it because she had been disappointed and hurt terribly? Because she felt guilty of everything that happened? Or because she had been keeping a grudge on that memory?
It was hard to come up with an answer to all the piling questions, not when she herself is blaming her own stupidity. However, she would never get anywhere; neither would she even recover if she continued to think of this.
True, it was her fault, not just partly, but wholly. Still, to sulk around just doing nothing and increase this pain and torment? Was she going to be selfish again and just let their relationship end here? Was she just going to let Gekikara’s efforts go to waste after going through all those times just to try to get through her?
The raven took a deep breath, closing both of her eyes while she kept her mind calm.
‘What are you going to do Yuki?’ Black thought, asking herself the questions that she was now facing, these questions were different from the others that she had thought, these wasn’t just about her, these was about both her and the younger girl.
‘Are you just going to let this happen?’
‘Are you just going to leave this as it is without confronting it?’
‘Are you…?’Unconsciously, Black loosened her grip on the cross while she continued to calm her beating heart.
‘Get a grip…’She isn’t going to waver now. The answer to all those questions was already obvious.
‘This isn’t the past anymore…Yuki…’This isn’t going to let anything make her falter anymore.
‘She isn’t like my parents. I know she needs me…’ Black thought while she bit her bottom lip and raised her head, opening her eyes with a new reborn determination glazing her eyes.
“Just as much as I need her.” Black said, the words ringing inside her head. Those words fueled Black’s determination; slowly, the raven let go of the cross, ignoring the pain and sting she received from her wounds as she quickly stood up and wiped off the remaining tears from her face and eyes.
Black looked down at her rosary, it was nostalgic, seeing it hang around her neck. Just as nostalgic this night was, full of sadness with memories and past remembered.
She looked up to the sky, this starry night sky that has been there along with the moon, sparkling ever so beautifully and ethereally, it reminded her of a paragraph she had once said to Maeda.
“The path to the moon appears anew.” Black mumbled coolly before a small smile formed on her lips, never did she neither knew nor expect that she would find herself saying those words to herself, but it fitted perfectly.
“That’s why I’ll move forward.”
“To reach up the insignia of a new beginning.” Black smiled, taking a step shaky step forward, stumbling a bit at the feeling of numbness on her legs, yet she pushed it off, Black ignored it and continued to take another step until she was able to walk completely after regaining the composure of her legs.
She wouldn’t falter anymore, even if Black and her past and impurities be damned, she doesn’t care anymore.
What matters more were just one person and just this moment alone.
The past doesn’t matter anymore.
“Wait for me, Rena…”
----
Dark as the most impure color, silent and unmoving as stagnant water and cold as winter, that was how it could be described on that night. Everything around was dyed in dark shady colors, there was not even a single human being nor any animals present around the streets and it was awfully cold due to the left over puddle caused by the rain that evening.
It is convenient, or so, someone might say in a case like this, but everything around the young queen held a gloomy atmosphere, it’s too quiet; too lonely even with no other human movements apart from Gekikara’s.
It is convenient with no one around, yet its inconvenient having to carry around a heavy heart, a broken vow in thought and an empty broken soul.
If it were in the past, Gekikara, or rather as Matsui Rena, the young queen would have not cared of having to part with someone; she would rather have it happen as soon as the relationship were formed. Yet, as someone of the present, Gekikara could not even dare want to part with someone just by a sudden decision, even if it were just a playful joke or prank.
There is a contradiction however in this case.
She already had done it, just a few minutes ago even. She did not plan something like that, nor did she intend to make that happen between them, but it was better than later, it may seem bitter and painful, but its better this way.
Gekikara knew she had to do it sooner anyways.
Truthfully enough, Gekikara did not do it out of just wanting to escape from what vile thing she had done and forced onto Black; she did not do it because she felt like doing it either. She did it because she knew she had to leave before everything goes even more uncontrollable.
Her love for Black continued to intensify even more after she saw the other girl again when Black visited her after a few days of almost dying from a fatal stab wound caused by a Yabakune student.
How badly she missed the other girl ever since they graduated and she was held up in Majisuka Gakuen, she never fully had that much time to visit the older girl, knowing that the raven was busy working. Although Black visited her only for a few minutes, Gekikara could not deny that she truly felt happy and blessed to see the older former queen again. It made the young queen’s heart soar up when Black bought her flowers, even going as far as to visit her alone even though she had a child to take care of.
Black is very much important to her. She upholds and cherishes the raven all too dearly just by considering the fact that Black is the first person whom showed her human warmth and became her first real friend.
Gekikara really appreciated Black’s visit, if ever the shorter girl was able to move her legs before, she would have stood up from her bed and hugged Black tightly, but she never did had the chance to do that in the past. If she did, Gekikara may have not let go of Black, nor stop herself from showering affectionate gestures with the former queen.
Gekikara already knew that she was drawing to the point where she would crave more for the other girl’s attention and love. She already knew it for quite a long time ago, but she held it in, in hopes that that craving, that desires of hers would disappear over in time and would stay into just a mere wish to be just close friends.
It never did happen however.
It never did.
She could not even remember when it started, her blossoming feelings that is. Gekikara just started to show a certain degree of fondness for the older girl ever since they became friends. She never knew it was actually love blossoming inside her heart.
An error…
It was a fatal error to fall in love.
She wasn’t worthy of something like love nor even Black, yet what was she to do now when these feelings are already here, they seem that they won’t fade at all, the feeling only seems to increase even with this distance between them.
It hurts, her heart hurts because of this distance.
The pain proves to make her body unstable, it made moving hard to do when every step she took she would stagger or stumble over nothing.
It is foolish, how she is hurting just by mere emotional pain yet in the face of true physical pain, she could bare them all.
It is foolish how she is becoming weak.
It is uncharacteristic of her to be like this, but it was hard and unexplainable, how she suddenly changes into a different kind of person whenever it concerned the older girl yet under the presence of others, she can maintain herself.
What had been of the cruel monstrous heavenly queen? What had happened to the queen that all the other students feared most? What happened to the girl who only held pain and brutality in her hands? Was it just a disguise, her being a cruel insane queen? Was it just a double personality she created in order to escape her past?
Just what are the reasons behind this?
Just what exactly is she?
Who exactly is she?
Those thoughts started to rush into Gekikara’s brain, making her halt her movements. She never really considered asking herself that again ever since she had come to feel Black’s presence and ever since the older girl made her felt special and cherished.
The thoughts that always haunted Gekikara however were questions about her existence, the very reason why she came to be, of whom would need someone like her around and who would love her.
Searching for answers to those questions all seem to be nearly impossible to do because basically, Gekikara was never a somebody; she has always and will always be a no one.
There were no difference to the questions that kept running through her head; they were all negative. In fact, was there ever a chance when she had gotten to question herself of something related to anything happy?
Of course, there was none.
Happiness can never even ring nor sound well next to Gekikara’s name. Everything connected to her is about chaos, violence, cruelty, blood and impurities.
Happiness however did not sound right for someone like her; even at least getting a taste of a bit of happiness is already a blessing because laughter and joy does not often stay for too long for the younger queen.
To be exact, nothing stays the same for too long in this reality.
Nothing…
Everything comes to this certain point when they all have to disappear or meet death.
Death, that one word composed of five letters held a loud ring inside Gekikara’s mind. She had almost met that fate, dying, just like their deceased president, Oshima Yuko. Yet it was a miracle how she survived, how her spirit and body clung to that little miracle that was not supposed to be there.
‘Miracles…they’re too good for a sinner like me…’
‘…Someone like me…should never get a second chance…’ Gekikara thought; the young queen looked down at her hands, her lips quirked up a bit to form a bitter smile at the sight of blood smeared and oozing from the wounds on her fingers and palms.
Just how many people did she hurt using them? Just how many people did she almost kill? Just how many did she sully using them?
Countless.
Gekikara’s victims were countless, she could hardly even remember how many she had fought and how many had she almost killed; all the younger queen knew was that something inside her craved for violence, of blood and broken flesh and screams of agony and despair.
Apart from the constant voices that belittled her in silence, there was also one voice that stood out, it called her, urging her strongly that even at times all that she could hear is that voice telling her to fight.
She knew that voice, she knew it all too well.
It was her own voice calling her out.
Looking at this pair of hand of hers, Gekikara could almost see something else apart from her two own blood drenched hands. Blinking for a couple of times, Gekikara tried to focus onto what she was seeing, hoping that her eyesight were just blurry, yet to her own horror and dismay, she saw them right.
It was a hallucination, but the younger queen could not process that thought. It felt too real, as if she had actually held those contents. She could not deny what she saw either.
She saw dried up blood that coated her hand wholly with small bits and pieces of torn flesh and bones in her palms. What was the most distinct of the contents in her hands was that it was rotting and worms started to wriggle out. It was disgusting, but Gekikara was used to it, this sight. If she were a normal person she would have thrown all the contents in her stomach over the pavements, but she was not a normal person, she could not even classify herself as a person.
Gekikara was too hideous to be one.
She could never fear something like this, the sight of rotting flesh and cracked broken piece of bones and blood. She had already fought countless people without even batting an eyelash over what karma might come after her.
Gekikara never considered them; her conscience never bothered her about it. However, there were limits to what she could not consider.
She has her own fears.
Many of them to exact.
Gekikara noticed something suddenly from out of the corner of her eyes; Gekikara saw something shining from under the contents in her hands.
Of course, curiosity got the best of the young queen and so she decided to look closer, and much to her own horror, she saw a familiar metal covered in blood. That shining object was something that she given to Black long ago on that very same day when the older teen got violated, on the same day she had vowed to stay beside her.
That particular item was something she used to pledge her vow and seeing it in her hands, amongst all this trash in her hands made Gekikara shiver in fear and realization.
The raven’s cross, covered in blood and flesh.
She knew exactly what this meant and she feared it, this item on her hand.
‘…B-Black’s…rosary…’The young queen’s eyes stared at her trembling hands in fear; she could not avert them from staring at the pile of mixed rotting flesh, pieces of broken bones and blood on her hands.
“A…A-Ah…”
Gekikara’s body stiffened, her eyes widened in horror at the sight of the shining item that was mixed into the rotting contents in her hands. Quickly, the horrified queen shoved off the contents of what she thought was in her hands and staggered back, her back pressed onto wall for support.
“T-That rosary…” The young queen mumbled in between panting, sweat dripping down her chin, her eyes looking uneasily around her dark surroundings. Her heart beat madly inside her chest that it started hurting, Gekikara tried to compose herself, clutching her chest tightly as she tried to calm her heart.
Gekikara slowly took in a deep breath and steeled resolves, before raising her hands up and to her own small relief and confusion, there were no more traces of the horrible substances in her hands, neither was Black’s rosary there anymore. What was left however were the traces of her own blood and the cuts on her fingers.
It still left Gekikara feeling scared however, the sight of Black’s rosary stained with blood and rotting flesh.
It was a sight of pure malice and taint.
The state of the rosary looked worn out and damaged, yet it still shined brightly even with the blood covering it and it being under a pile of reeking rotting flesh and bones.
She was never the superstitious type, but she knew what it meant just by telling. Something as divine and pure as a rosary was supposed to be kept pristine, but seeing it in that state, it made Gekikara fear for the worst.
It was almost like a foreshadowing, a warning of something to happen. Yet, she could not help but question why it had appeared, even though she already knew why.
She just couldn’t believe and she wanted to deny it.
“…Why?”
“Why was it…there?” Gekikara gritted her teeth and swallowing the big lump forming in her throat, she clenched her hands into fists and looked away, staring down at her feet, not wanting to say the next words, but finding her own mouth and voice betraying her.
“…Black’s rosary.”
“Why…?”
----
End of Part VI
----
<<------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->>
A/N: That ends Chinmoku Part VI! I wonder if some questions are circling around your heads...well, if there is, feel free to ask me about them, I'll try to answer them.
I want to say this though, its creepy you know, I mean I was writing yesterday evening Gekikara's part, alone at home, and I was already writing about the rosary part when suddenly I heard the church bell's chime, yes my house is near a church. It freaked me out like seriously that I had to leave the computer and eat some melon to calm myself...
I mean, out of all the times that the bell had to chime, it was on the exact time that I was writing about the rosary? Seriously...
Also, if anyone noticed it or has a good memory, I used a line that Black said in MG I Ep. 7, it just somehow fits you know? The line -"The path to the moon appears anew."- I didn't really expect that it would fit in well because I just added it after finishing writing everything.
Anyways, see you guys next update?
Gonna go and rewatch MG I and MG II.
I hope I still have some readers left though...
Topic: Sieka's Collections [01/20/13 - ON HIATUS] (Read 103644 times)