A/N: Update time. Gonna drop this off and leave...I'm not really in the mood to reply back to the comments...some other time...I just want to finish crying and clear my mind off. I don't know if I did well in this update and I'm sorry if its of poor quality and made you guys wait for something crappy.
Sorry.
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Chinmoku
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Part X-II
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It was like a dream of what once started normally, turned bitterly into a nightmare that never seemed to have a fitting end. In fact, it never seemed to have an end at all; well mostly, for the suffering part due from torment and desperation which became partly the reason, but most likely, it was because of guilt and fear that kept everything from reaching any conclusion. Yet, for this to happen, in a cruel wrenching nightmare-like scenario, it was somehow too good to be true.
It was just too good to happen.
But, Black wanted to believe that this is really happening, that this is in fact reality, not a sick wanton wish or hallucination caused by her own mind.
‘Please…let this all be real…’ Black thought, wanting to firmly grasp on that fact that she had finally reached her, that Gekikara had called her, not purely out of malice and bloodlust, but how the younger queen usually called her name softly with a hint of need and tenderness attached, the norm of how Gekikara would address her when they were alone, when the world would only revolve around the two of them in their own small silent space where nothing mattered but each other’s company.
It was only natural that Black did not want to think of it all as an illusion that was made from all the pain and exhaustion that continuously tormented her in more than one way, but, if ever that this was a dream, then, it was too good; too good that it had already brought more tears to trickle down her cheeks.
This was like a miracle, something of which she could hardly grasp with her hands due to how hard it was for her to hope for everything to be real, fearing that if she were to cling on that small shining light, it might suddenly disappear in front of her, leaving her empty and distraught once more; but, even if Black knew that she shouldn’t fall for it, she was attracted to that little hope just like how Eve was tempted by the snake to taste the forbidden fruit.
The urge itself was as strong as that.
It was inevitable, but Black felt that temptation rising to take what’s in front of her and to just cling on that little hope that this is reality and not some sick fantasy.
‘Don’t make me hope…I don’t want this to be just a dream…’
‘Please…’ Black pleaded in her mind as her dark obsidian eyes stared straight up to look at the younger queen, her eyes trembling with uncertainty as she gazed at Gekikara who also had kept her full attention on Black, worry and fear marring her face along with the droplets of blood and tears that tainted her cheeks. Black felt guilty for the dirt that tainted the younger girl’s pretty face, but she could not help but feel a bit happy for the undivided attention that Gekikara was finally gracing her.
“Yuki…” Gekikara called, her voice small and weak, but filled with worry and sadness; her voice lost its luster and confidence that was once presently there, snaring at the former queen moments ago mockingly and maliciously.
The feeling of exhaustion made Gekikara feel weak and small, a feeling that only comes in rare occasions, and just looking at the older raven lying there on the small puddle of blood that came from the wound of her shoulder.
Gekikara took in a shaky breath in, looking away as she felt more pain. The sight added more weight on the exhaustion Gekikara felt that was already hugely present, but nothing could ever compare to the weight of guilt she is carrying in her heart.
‘It hurts…’Sucking a shaky breath, Gekikara tried to stabilize her body from shaking too much; she placed a hand over to where her heart would be as she grasped it painfully. Gekikara shook; she hated this feeling because it made her heart hurts so much, it felt too heavy. It was too tight, like her heart was being constricted by something, not from her hand, but from something invisible, something unseen, something that Gekikara didn’t know, but felt anyhow.
‘Rena…’The former queen weakly placed a hand to her chest, just as what Gekikara had done and grasped her black T-shirt, closing her eyes as small beads of tears dripped down and caressed her warm cheeks.
‘It feels like…it’s been so long…since she called me that…’ Black told to herself whilst letting out small puffs of breath as she eased the painful throb in her lungs and heart, yet nothing seemed to ease the fast painful throbbing of her heart as it kept palpitating in her chest.
‘It’s almost like eternity…’ She mused sadly, slowly trying to move her body as she took in a shaky breath, only to choke down on her saliva when she felt a pain shock course from her shoulder to her chest when she made a bad move, making Black let out a sharp cry and writhed again.
“No…!” Gekikara gritted her teeth together as she let out a strangled cry; she tried to hold back a scream from tearing out of her mouth as she held onto Black.
Gekikara wanted to scream.
She wanted to cry out in anger and pure hatred, but she held back, biting down her bottom lip, resolving to vent out her frustrated emotions by crying. Yet, Gekikara held it back, she kept her voice from spilling out when she felt a hand graze into her own, enveloping it with warmth as it held her own cold owns gently. Instinctively, the young queen looked down, and she felt herself gasp as her breath was taken away.
Black stared back with tired eyes, gazing gently at Gekikara, as if reassuringly whilst giving her a faint smile that ghosted on her lips.
Just hearing the young queen call her again had struck her deep to her heart, it was more than enough to make her feel alive again. Her heart, which had long somehow stopped hoping and stopped believing, only awaiting for death itself, was now thumping madly inside her chest, faster than she could ever believe it had especially with the state of her body at this current moment.
The feeling of her heart thumping madly left a numbing sensation to her chest, but it was not unpleasant, in fact, it was a good feeling that swelled inside her. A warm, fuzzy and light feeling had enveloped her heart, making her body feel light and at ease, as if all the pain on her wounds had evaporated in an instance with just hearing the young queen call her by her real name again. Although she had heard the anguish in the younger raven’s voice that made her felt a slight pain to twinge inside her heart, nevertheless, she felt a little bit of joy, even if for a little moment.
Was it kind of cruel to think that she had enjoyed hearing her name with the younger girl’s voice twinge with pain and sadness? Maybe; maybe it was cruel, but she needed it so much. Black never knew she longed so much for this moment, when finally the younger girl had taken notice of her.
Black knew she was being too childish at that moment, but she missed hearing the younger girl calling her name. She missed it so much, and she wanted to believe that there was still some hope left to get fully through the young queen’s heart as the want to get Gekikara back to her normal self grew immensely.
It was not for the simple purpose of the need to repent for her sins nor for her own wellbeing’s sake, but for the sake of her baby boy and for the younger queen’s. She needed to do that as well as to live, and that was all that mattered most to her at this moment because they needed it; they needed her as she much as she needed them too. Black loves them more than anything, even more than herself, that’s why she could not bear to leave them alone even though she was lying down waiting for death while writhing in deep torment.
What would happen if she were to die and disappear?
The thought of that left a tinge of small pain in her heart that was enough to make her let out a pained gasp. She did not want to think of it because the thought itself was painful enough to hurt her in her own weak and vulnerable state. But this was not the perfect time for her to contemplating about these kinds of negative thoughts, there were still some things she has left to do, some things that she has to face now, and she knew more than anyone else that she needed to do it now and not some other time because there was no other better time because there might be a time in the future…where she won’t be able to do so.
‘I can’t…let that happen…’ Black wheezed, her breath coming out as short ragged puffs. She tried to push herself up, hoping that her body would collaborate with her. However, before she could even do so, the older raven suddenly gritted her teeth in pain, her body going tense and rigid as she felt the powerful sting on the wound of her shoulder.
The feeling itself was far from pleasant as she felt needles prickling her skin with fire grazing over her wound. It made Black struggle underneath Gekikara, her hands held onto Gekikara’s tightly as she coughed up a bit, feeling dizzy and nauseous from the scent of blood and the overpowering exhaustion.
“Y…Yuki!!” Gekikara shouted in panic; tearing up more while she witnessed the discomfort and pain that Black is feeling.
It was too heartbreaking to look at the older raven struggling and in pain, it made Gekikara feel crushed and repulsed at herself as she helplessly watch Black gasping in short puffs as her body twisted and turned at the burning sensation that stung so badly from her wound.
Gekikara again fought the desperation inside her heart to cry in agony and gravel down the ground, hoping that it would open up and eat her alive. It would not do her any good if she would surrender now, out of all the times. What type of person, creature that she is if she would abandon the one sole person that never let her go?
She gritted her teeth, grinding them as she channeled all of her inner frustration, hoping that it would ease her mind and soul. Just the simply thought of ever wanting to let go of Black made her stomach revolt in disgust. It was wrong; oh so plainly and utterly wrong and Gekikara did not have the heart, courage or the face to even leave Black aside.
Her heart would never approve of it. If she did, the cost of it would be her own life. She wouldn’t have the heart to live on if Black were to die and disappear; she never had the heart in the very first attempt to ever leave her side from the beginning, even just simply leaving the former queen’s side hours ago had already made her want to come back, running. And she wants to laugh at herself in spite, just seeing and realizing how much weaker she had gotten and how much soft and submissive she had become in the presence of the older raven.
Gekikara knew, for so long that loving and feeling so much more for Black would eventually weaken her and crush her into nothing but a speck of what she was in the past. But that doesn’t mean that she could easily as accept it.
It just sickens her how much soft she had gotten because it just meant that she would never have any capability to protect and fight for people she cared for if she were this weak, but that doesn’t also mean that she has the heart to hate the one true person that first showed so much affection and care to her.
Painful, but endearingly truthful, she could never hate Black. No matter how much emotional pain she felt just by being near her, she could never hate her.
Because she loves her too much to even hate her. And that’s what hurts the most and Gekikara could so much as to want to scowl at herself for feeling and thinking of hating Black. It was her own weakness itself that lead to this and the one solely at fault would be her.
It should be she herself that she should hate and no one else.
“My head…hurts…” Black complained weakly; and evidently enough, her hand was on her temple, massaging it in hopes of easing the dizziness and mad pounding inside her head, but to no avail, it only served to aggravate her already miserable weakened and battered state. The location also wasn’t helping her ease up either, especially with the estranged sent that was becoming of the corpse that lied a few meters away from it. It smelled awful and rotten that it made her nauseous.
Unable to bear it the nausea, Black rolls over to the side, scooting farther away from Gekikara as possible, lifting herself in all four with as much strength she could possibly muster and doubled over; spilling all of the contents in her stomach to the pavement floor.
‘This is all my fault…’Gekikara gazed guiltily at the older raven at hearing her continuous pained coughing; Black was almost close to even gagging again. Dreading for Black’s condition, Gekikara wanted to shift her position without wanting to aggravate the wounded raven’s shoulder. Gekikara slowly scooted to Black’s kneeling figure, and helplessly bowed her head in her own shame at the sight of the older girl’s miserable figure hunched over in a kneeling position.
‘…Why did it have to come to…this?’ Gekikara glumly asked herself mournfully.
Hurting Black was the last thing she ever wanted, because that was the one thing she would never want to commit. Leaving her was already painful enough because no matter how much she willed herself; she would still turn around, looking longingly at the direction where she had left the taller girl.
It pains her so much.
What more was it…to just hurt, no, to kill the person who was her savior in the past and the one she holds important to her heart?
It would make her a hypocrite if she did not even as much as admit she loved Black. She always had, especially after being so close to her, and especially when Black had been with her all throughout, supporting her and giving her comfort and a reassuring promise of something good to come despite all of the struggles she had went through.
When Black came into her life, she never left, not one single time and ever since the day she came, she had struck an impression, a very impeccable expression of a young girl full of hopes, aspirations and dreams, it was stereotypical, yes, and the fact that Black was too popular for her own inclining, it made Black, or Yuki as she goes on before as more endearing for Gekikara when the raven was a lot more than just a face and a name that she could just ignore and pass by.
Black was more than that, she wasn’t just a beautiful face, a decoration of a sort that beautified and overthrow rotten people such as herself. Black in fact was a kind spirited person, too kind for her own good and too caring. Gekikara had to admit it that at first, she never liked how the older raven pressed into her matters, but as time went by, she had learned to appreciate the small caring gestures that Black would show her in the past as Yuki. And fairly enough, even if Black denied that she could never return to her former self now, she was still the old Kashiwagi Yuki beneath the cold, hard and mysterious façade that she placed used to mask herself, nothing ever changed at all since then. Not once, not ever.
Gekikara would have told Black, but she knew that the former queen would be persistent and adamant in denying such a thing from her, but whenever Gekikara finds Black alone with her head bowed down and silently praying, she can’t help but see the sliver of a crack in the mask that Black wore, letting her see just how vulnerable and weak she was just as she had been before being Rappapa’s queen.
A tear softly slid down Gekikara’s cheek as she remembered a small part in the past, and an image of Yuki appears in her mind. The raven’s back was facing her, and was kneeling and crying in grief, the obvious marks of bruises and reddish cuts evident on her awfully pale skin with only a thin white blouse to cover her body. She sat there at the center of the park in the dark, gripping her blouse as tightly with what small strength she had left in her body. Gekikara could vividly remember that with each pained breaths and each sob that wracked Yuki’s fragile frame and the tiny bit of blood sipped out from her open cuts, the anger inside her heart grew, the more she hungered for revenge. It became an insatiable desire to kill those who had harmed Yuki and she had longed for that day to avenge her.
She hated them, more than anything else in the world and until now, even as the event became a passing memory, all the feelings she had felt in her heart were still up till now, caged up, but before her rage overrides her consciousness and make her do something again, Gekikara pushed away the memory, farther in the back of her mind. It didn’t stop Gekikara from crying continuously in frustration and anger.
It was a simple memory now, but never the less, it was powerful enough to bring her up and at the same time, spiral her down till she crashes back because, not only did it served as a memory for her own weakness, but also for her inability to protect her the very first friend she had and that itself left a sore aftertaste.
“You don’t…need to blame yourself…”
“I’d rather…that you don’t.” Black softly pleaded, startling Gekikara when she heard her voice, and in a swift motion, she looked up and saw a comforting smile on Black’s face, and oddly enough, the wounded raven looked serene with her back leaning on the bricked wall, her eyes closed. The scene made Gekikara feel somehow at ease all of a sudden, as if a part of her burden was momentarily lifted off from just seeing Black like that, and smile, it made the young queen feel nostalgic.
“Yuki…” Gekikara whispered; her voice cracking as more unshed tears formed in her eyes, threatening to fall soon and when Black opened her eyes, she stared straight into Gekikara’s teary eyes. The chocolate brown eyes that Black had once gazed upon that were once hazy and fogged in those torturous in their heated clash, were now crystal clear, just like how she remembered them to be in her mind; only that at this moment, they were brimming and shining with unshed tears that threatened to fall down from the younger raven’s eyes.
Seeing Gekikara’s unshed tears, brought more sharp pang of guilty pain in the former queen’s heart, yet she found an odd sense of comfort in it, though small, was enough to give a bit of comfort to Black’s own distressed and conflicting emotions and pain.
A small spark of light lit up in the back of her mind, urging her, asking her to try and reach up, and she did, not because her mind told her to do so, but because she wanted to feel the younger girl again.
The raven scooted closer to Gekikara and tried to raise both of her hands. Slowly but surely, ignoring the current of pain running through her shoulders and arms. Black took her time, and it felt like eternity, it felt so long and the distance felt so wide and far, yet the moment when her fingers caressed Gekikara’s face, a wave of happiness and relief rushed through Black’s heart that it made her momentarily forget the pain she was sustaining from her wound.
This one little chance of being able to touch the younger girl’s soft skin again left a temporary feeling of comfort to the older raven; light slowly came back into Black’s teary obsidian orbs, a small sad smile forming on her lips. She caressed the younger girl’s cheeks, wiping off the small droplet of blood and tears that were threatening to drip off from Gekikara’s jaws.
It did not go unnoticed to Black when she felt Gekikara’s jaw muscle clench and her body tense up above her just from the slightest touch that the former queen inflicted, and that reaction served to encourage Black further, knowing that she was emitting some response, no matter how little it was, it was precious enough.
“It isn’t your fault…so don’t blame yourself.” Black whispered, repeating her words again while pleading in an attempt to comfort and convince the younger raven.
“But…this wouldn’t have happened if…I hadn’t–,“ Gekikara blabbered, only to be stopped by a gentle press of Black’s finger on her lips followed suit by a shook from Black, before she gazed at Gekikara seriously in an attempt to convey her emotions to the younger girl.
Gekikara frowned and shook her head. It didn’t seem right not to blame herself; she knew what deed she had done, and what she did was wrong. Gekikara knows that Black also knows that fact. So how can the older raven say something like that without even as much a trace of anger and hatred for her own wrong doings?
“But still…” Gekikara protested, gently pushing away Black’s hand. She stared at the ground with downcast eyes, not wanting to look at Black in shame as she twiddled with her fingers, still continuing to blame herself, “I hurt you. I almost killed you even…”
“You have every right to blame me…you should even despise me…”
The younger raven laughed bitterly as she pointed out the worse fact that led to Black’s wound. Gekikara was not proud of what she had done; she never did mean to do it. She had never wanted to hurt Black but seeing how weak she had been that she had let her emotions past her own judgment made her feel disgusted of herself. It was miserable, but she hated herself, and there was no way that she could forgive herself.
“So please…”
“Push me away, far from you even…” Gekikara mumbled, her voice cracking ever so slightly as tears softly cascaded down from her eyes, making a streak down her cheeks. The young queen had her head down, her eyes sought nothing but the dirty pavement; she wouldn’t dare look up because she couldn’t as much have the guts as to meet Black’s silent gaze, knowing that if she did, her resolve would weaken.
“I’m begging you…please.” Gekikara admitted miserably in a small weak voice. It was like a frightened child’s voice, it sounded vulnerable and small, very unlike to Gekikara’s loud and frightening voice because it did not hide anything at all. All of her emotions were bare for Black to see, and all for Black to crush, Gekikara would give everything up in a heartbeat for her, and she’d give up being Black’s friend if the older raven ever said it.
She wouldn’t argue back, she wouldn’t even fight back if ever Black were to cast her away again. It may seem that she was running away again though, maybe, maybe she really is, but then again this is the only best thing she could do…this was the only option left so she wouldn’t make Black bare anymore pain.
The raven in questions however, did not as much as spoke nor made a sound at hearing her plea; instead she only looked at Gekikara with her jaws clenched tight and her face void of any facial expression, but, it couldn’t be said the same with the emotion that welled up in her eyes.
“Are you really…alright with that?” Black asked, struggling to keep her voice monotonous, but she gazed at Gekikara with unwavering eyes that sought out the younger raven’s own, hoping that she would look up and make eye contacts. It was only that, Gekikara never did, she only looked even away farther from Black and shrank from Black’s piercing dark orbs. Saddened by the younger girl’s refusal to make eye contact, Black merely murmured something under her breath and tilted her head, her gaze averted.
“You’re really cruel…Rena.”
Gekikara jolted, hearing the Black’s words, it hurts as if it were a knife cutting over her skin, she gritted her teeth together at the pain that struck her because the former queen never sounded so sad like that, she was often if not, monotonous and sarcastic but never…she never sounded that sad, not once since after being disowned by her parents or when Yuko had died.
Gekikara continued to kneel, stunned and guilty, but she held everything, knowing that she needs to be firm, that she wouldn’t waver, but all of those…all of those thoughts were now lost and abandoned when she felt Black shift and move close, and she held her breath as for the first time in a while…she felt Black’s arms wrap around her slim frame, never realizing that she had been trembling until she felt Black pressed her body firmly to hers.
“Really, really cruel…” Black chuckled weakly; with eyes closed, she let a sad tiny smile form on her lips, a tired sigh escaping from her parted trembling lips. Her breath hitting Gekikara’s cold cheeks, sending a shiver down the younger raven’s spine, and then, Black felt the other girl’s hands on her sides, squeezing her clothes and struggling in her embrace.
“Yuki…please…let go…”
“I don’t want to be tied down anymore…” Gekikara shut her eyes and pleaded, wanting to keep the older girl an arms distance away from her, knowing just how much effect Black had over her and it scared her how her desire to kill might come back and once again hurt the weakened raven. So even if Gekikara wanted to yield, even if all she wanted now was to feel Black’s warmth and lean in her embrace, she wouldn’t, because she couldn’t let anything bad happen again.
Black stayed adamant even when she felt the recurring sting in her shoulder due to the discomfort of having to force her arms to tighten around Gekikara’s waist, she still held on and Gekikara found it harder to keep herself from not yielding in. Seeing her persistence, Gekikara only cried more, already knowing that she would reach her limitations.
Unable to take it any longer, with both of her hands pressed onto Black’s side, Gekikara tried to gently push the raven, hoping that she would break the hug, but Black only held tighter whilst burying her face into the crook of the short queen’s neck and pressed her weakened body close, even almost to the point of leaning on Gekikara for support.
“Please…”
“Let me be selfish for once…” Black said while she struggled to keep herself up, the recurring sting on her shoulder increasing as she held tighter, and faintly, her vision misted, she tried to take a take a deep breathe in, only to wheeze.
“Let me stay like this for a moment…”
Black felt her heart tightened inside her chest and she winced at the internal pain along with the stinging of her shoulders, but she ignored them, even when she felt her eyes slowly close themselves, even as her body slowly succumbed to oblivion, she ignored the pain and continued to hold onto Gekikara for how long she could possibly do and for how long her body could feel before it turns colder.
“I just…want to hold you right now.”
“Just this once…” Black weakly said, letting herself shed tears as she clung to Gekikara, who stayed still and did not so any much as struggle, instead, she listened, heartbreaking as she felt Black’s body quaking and her breath hitching as she struggled to keep her voice from shaking and breaking.
“After this…it won’t happen again…”
“For now…just let me.”
Black smiled weakly, not out of joy, but of sadness, because she knew without doubt, she been too late, but she didn’t want to force Gekikara to falter, knowing she had already made her decision and she’ll respect it, no matter how much she didn’t like it and no matter how much it would kill her, no matter how much she wanted Gekikara back with her again.
“After this…”
She fully closed her tired eyes, letting darkness take her vision. She stayed still, in Gekikara’s embrace and let out a broken chuckle, and before she totally surrendered herself to oblivion, she gave Gekikara the consent she wanted, not wholeheartedly but out of respect for her wishes.
“I’ll let you go…”
Black took a deep shaky breath, readying herself as she spoke the next words, the sad smile on her face never faltering as she spoke weakly that only Gekikara could hear.
And almost too soon as the words came out, Gekikara let herself sob in Black’s embrace.
“…I’m sorry for everything…”
“And…I love you.”
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End of Part X-II
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Topic: Sieka's Collections [01/20/13 - ON HIATUS] (Read 103895 times)