A/N: since it is the same song, I'm not putting link for the second time
Searching for Happiness #4 - "Stress. Part 2"
Deep night
The place you took up,
In the reverberation that permeates deeply
I unknowingly whisper your name once
The shadow that is strongly absorbed inside of me,
In your pull that spreads out again,
I can’t get out of itStaying away from Rena doesn’t really solve my problems. She still occupies my thoughts wherever I go, I still keep wondering ‘what if’ and I miss those times when we laugh together which we had a lot in these past months before I started distancing myself. I blamed it on one simple word “Stress”… I lied that I’m too busy with work but I’m pretty sure that Rena understood all of my excuses.
She didn’t comment much about it and I can’t blame her… if someone started avoiding me… I would just do the same… I would probably slowly disappear out of their life and don’t meet them again. It is not that easy when we’re still working at the same place but I know that is what I would do…
I don’t know I’m lucky or really unlucky that Rena is not like me. She has a completely different mindset. At first, she kept trying to get my attention and spend time together just like we always did. Asking if I want to watch a movie, go for a walk, talk before sleep, drink tea… she kept suggesting all kind of things but my answer was always ‘No’.
After few months she stopped with the suggestions but even with such distance I still catch her eyes on me sometimes. I’m pretty sure she has noticed when I looked at her too… I just hope I wasn’t too obvious, since I tried to keep our distance but at the same time wanted to see her every move. Wanted to see her laugh even though someone else made her reach like that, wanted to see that smile that reaches her eyes whenever she’s truly interested and happy… wanted to keep seeing her every single minute of the day — just like at the start.
I have known Rena… the real Rena… not the one that appeared in all of those dramas and music videos… for 8 months now… almost 9 if we count weeks and days… but sometimes I wondered if Rena really knew me.
The real me…
The me that keeps hiding and staying away from her out of fear…
Without thinking about it I was the one that actually kept that distance (I made the thing — that I fear the most — reality).
I knew though… that Rena doesn’t feel the same way as I do. I remember our conversation few months… while I still felt free and talk with her about everything and nothing. When we discussed a lot of topics, even those about sadness or depression. There wasn’t really a filter between us cause we wanted to understand each other and learn more about the other.
We felt like in a kindergarten… when you’re desperately trying to make a new friend and impress them… Most our topic couldn’t count as trying to impress the other… but we still discussed a lot of things. Even the so called ‘love’ and the simple act of ‘falling in love’.
“Maybe it would be weirder to talk if I know how it felt… I mean I love my family members, friends, there is no doubt in my mind… but romantic love… I’m good at faking it for songs and dramas but real life is a bit more complicated then that”, Rena shrugged her shoulders quite innocently when for the second time I asked her what she knows about love.
“And haven’t we talked about this before? Or am I imagining things?”
“Yeah…once but shortly… I think I asked if you were ever in love…and told you that I don’t know much about it either…”
“Oh right! And then you told me that you had crushes in the past but it never escalated farther than that, I remember correctly, right?”, this time Rena smiled quite sheepishly and leaned forward raising her eyebrows in a seductive manner. Luckily for me (and my poor heart), I haven’t fallen for her yet (back then), so I just brushed it off by laughing and continued confessing truthfully.
“But I wouldn’t even know what to do… if I started feeling something… for someone… you know… that strong LOVE feeling… just like you… I’m only familiar with family and friends… sometimes I wonder if I even love them but…”
“Of course you do… it is just something we do unconsciously, without even thinking about. Hear it from my experience… since you know… I’m four years older than you…and obviously four years wiser”, once again Rena kept teasing me and I just rolled my eyes as an answer.
“Sure…whatever… okay… so four years wiser person, what would you do if you ever fall in love with someone? Or…liked them very strongly and you know… it would feel like love? I guess it is quite simple to confuse love and liking, isn’t it?”
“There are probably differences but yeah… you need to start liking and then you can go deep for love, butterflies and that other stuff when…”
“Okay okay… so your answer?”, I decided to cut her off this time, before Rena recited everything that she has ever said in her movies, or sang in her songs. She likes to pretend that she some sort of love expert, though all of her experiences comes from ‘faking things’.
“Honestly? I would just go and tell the person. It is better than keeping it inside. Obviously things would change after it, who knows if it would be a happily ever after with answered feelings or it will end up in a heart break… but it would still better to know and move from that”.
She shrugged and after couple of minutes considering her own words ask “and how about you miss ‘I don’t know anything’?”
Without thinking I simple shrugged my shoulders and whispered “I have…no idea…”
I wasn’t liking anyone back then, I just couldn’t imagine a situation where I would fall so hard for someone or what I would do in such situation. I envied Rena for planning to be so brave and straightforward and even though most of the time I had an easy going character, I just couldn’t do the same.
Few months later I got an answer to my own question though: “I would avoid the person and try to forget about my feelings”…especially if the one I fell for is a girl…and a friend… a best friend…
Though with my stupidity, I couldn’t call us that anymore… I guess we’re co-workers and acquaintances, maybe somewhat friends, still we did spend time together (but only when other people were around too), or occasionally older Matsui still walked closer to me and randomly asked ‘how I am feeling’, ‘Is everything alright’.
Looking back at all of it… other people (our co-workers) actually noticed that I’m having feelings for Rena. Well at least two people definitely did since they came to talk with me… one of them was Akane (we had same shifts so got to spend some time together and one time out of the blue she questioned if something is happening between Rena and me).
Of course I tried to lie but… am I a bad liar? She just didn’t believe me… in the end she commented that I’m probably having feeling which I should resolve and the sooner the better. I wasn’t sure why she said in this way and what time has to do with it… but I just nod my head unable to fight back the tears.
The other person that worked in a hotel for only two months was Mayu. Watanabe Mayu. We didn’t get a chance to work together but somehow our breaks align and I think she was as messed as me, after some hurtful break up with her girlfriend, escaping to the world… so you know… smoking was also a bad habit of hers — to help and easy the tension.
We bonded in this way (or should I say — unhealthy way) and discussed certain things that kept happening around the hotel. Mayu subtly mentioned that she can feel the tension between Rena and me, and that I should talk with older girl… maybe even tell her that I’m experiencing feeling for her.
I have no idea how the hell these people notice the things that I kept buried and continued lying to myself, but they looked at my face and just knew. I started feeling scared and wonder if Rena can notice it too.
On the other hand, the conversation worked out… at least for gathering my courage and forcing myself to think that it is now or never… I decided to finally have a little chat with Rena.
Little did I know… that the girl was planning just the same thing.
You got me smoking cigarettes,
I’m in stress, baby
I’m going crazy right now
My feelings are palpitating again,
Why? As I fill you in, baby
I want it more and more
This night, I think of you,
When the whole world of asleep,
I’ll deliver to you my burning heart, oh
I can’t escape your side“Hey, could we talk? Maybe in my room…you know… where we used to watch movies and all?”, I could hear how strangely it sounded but it didn’t scare Rena away. She nod her head in agreement.
“Actually… there is something that I wanted to tell you two… so it is good that we ran into each other”.
Well actually, I stalked Rena for the past hour and just waited for the right moment… but of course… ‘accidental bumping into each other’ works to. She can think that it is like that.
I can’t remember how we got into my room but after walking inside we just sat on the sofa facing each other. Ready to start the conversation that I anticipated so much.
We both opened my mouths at the same time and laughed shortly because of the absurdity of it. “Okay… maybe we can decide who’s going to speak up first. You can start”, I suggested with a nod of my head.
“It s a bit… difficult so you can talk first if you like…”
“No no…really I’m okay… I want you to start”, I insisted too scared to confess so suddenly.
Rena considered it for a couple of seconds and finally sigh giving up “okay… so… do you remember our conversation when I caught you smoking? I know this sounds very random right now… but maybe you remember what you told me?”
I shook my head uncertain where Rena is going with it. My mind was completely blank… I mean I do remember our conversation… but did I tell her something shocking back then?
“Don’t stress about it. You don’t need to remember it vividly… I was just curious… but I will repeat it since that phrase… I kept thinking about it for quite some time… it like… it hit the right spot,I guess… you told me: I guess I stopped for some time…when I first came here… but it not easy to stay away from our old habits… I think I was just fooling myself when in fact, I can’t really stop since it is a part of me…”
This time I nod my head, remembering the words I said, but not sure why they could be important in older Matsui case.
She smiled brighter this time, I really loved that smile, it mesmerized me every time… I guess I missed it a lot…
“The thing is… I love acting and singing… I guess… the stress just pilled up and I wanted to escape from the rest of the world for awhile… I mean… you definitely know how it feels when you want to leave everything behind… but it is not a permanent thing… it is just a short solution…and I think I’m ready now…”
“Ready?”
“Yes… ready to go back to the real world. Thanks to you… I’m ready to take everything that I left back into my hands… and actually… I’m leaving tomorrow”.
Quite instantly I opened my mouth to protest ‘it can’t be happening’…and who knows maybe I would have screamed and shouted, or at least cried if not that smile again…
genuine…
sincere…
happy…
So what if…Rena’s happiness is not me?