Chap 15
KAI POV
“sorry I bother Sensei again..”
I sighed and shook my head with a smile on hold. I can’t say anything. At first I had decided to no longer meet with Haruna outside of the school, but one night she called me in tears and I had no choice to see her that night. That night I also know that Haruna’s father left home to be with another woman and no longer return. That night I had to persuade Haruna to dissuade suicide. Since then I always see her several times a week to accompany her to dinner or doing homework at the time she was no schedule tutoring after school.
Of course we do so with caution, if the school know, I will not be able to do anything else. We were both going to be in big trouble.
Of course, I also be in big trouble if Atsuko to know I spend time alone with my student who have previously been made almost lost my job. I know Atsuko gets mad at me but I have their own reasons for doing this.
“your wife doesn’t know if Sensei see me?”
As can read what is on my mind, Haruna stop the movement to eat her dinner at looked at me. Again I can only smile. I know that the long brown-haired girl knew the answer.
“what sensei’s wife say?”
I sighed, this is actually not a proper subject for a moment like this. Talking about Atsuko at a time like this just makes me feel that Atsuko at the middle of watching from a distance. Although it is not possible but imagine things like that is enough to make me cringe.
“Sensei?”
It seems to make a girl sitting of me stopped to ask, I have to answer the question. There is no other choice.
I showed a plastic bag that had been I put next me.
“I said I was going out for a while to buy Ryo milk,” I said, suddenly feeling more guilty because I use my son to be an excuse, “because I couldn’t stay long.”
Haruna put down her fork, “your child name is Ryo?”
I nodded and smiled, talks about the first child could always make me feel better, “a good name right?”
Haruna smiled faintly as she nodded, “I want to meet your son sometimes, can I?”
I can only smile. We were both out, the current situation is already too complicated without it having to meet with the family. I don’t know if reconcile Haruna with Atsuko is a good idea. But somehow I still nodded, “yes, sometime I will bring Ryo to meet you.”
“with your wife too?”
Again, I’m speechless.
Relationship with Haruna is only the relationship between teachers and students, not more. I just meet Haruna because of my responsibility as a teacher. No more. So I shouldn’t be afraid to bring Haruna to meet Atsuko. Anyway I and Haruna wasn’t having an affair. But, somehow, my instincts say that bringing the two is not a good idea.
“Kojima-san…”
“call me Haruna, sensei…” she looked at me with sad eyes, “please?”
I sigh, for the umpteenth time this evening, “well, Haruna…” I felt a little awkward to call her by her first name, but I tried to ignore it, “I keep us meeting from my wife because I don’t want her to misunderstand. So I cant possibly bringing her to see you…”
“I liked sensei.”
I was speechless.
Haruna looked at me without expression. I don’t know if she was really serious to say it like it or not. But Haruna is not the kind of kid who would joke with things like this.
I really don't know what to do. I just assume Haruna as a student, of course. I love Haruna, but she was my student. I don’t have a feeling more than that.
My head suddenly felt full. I don’t know what to say or do. I know I have to immediately say something, anything. But I couldn’t find the right words. I suddenly lost the ability to think and speak.
I tried to open my mouth, but closed it again after three second and no word came out of my mouth.
I don’t know what made me confused. I don’t love Haruna, but the difficult part is to tell her that I couldn’t accept her feeling because I love my wife. I can’t say that I love Atsuko to Haruna, not when I’ve never even said it in front of Atsuko. I don’t want the first time I expressed my feeling to Atsuko just in front of the others.
Like to know the confusion that was attacked, Haruna smiled and decided to say something to break the silence that surrounds us.
“I understand,” Haruna’s voice soft and barely audible. I need to sharpen my ears to be able to hear clearly what she says, “don’t have to explain to me, I understand Sensei. . I. . I just wanted to say my feeling on Sensei. I don’t expect Sensei to return my feeling. I understand.”
I looked at Haruna but the girl looked down to hide her face from me so I couldn’t see her face at this time.
“I met with Sensei’s wife.”
I shock when I hear Haruna say, “w-what?”
I don’t believe what I just heard back then but I didn’t say anything, just waiting for Haruna to explain further, trying to calm myself. No, I don’t need to panic. Atsuko met Haruna? How can? So far, she has always been mediocre at home, may not turn out right when she met with Haruna secretly? Anyway, how could I? My head was filled with all sorts of things that made me even more frantic but the girl in front of me it still looks calm.
“your wife is very pretty,” Haruna smiled, unfortunately I couldn’t see her eyes hidden behind her bangs so I couldn’t read her expression, “Its natural that Sensei loved her very much. She also looked like a very nice lady.”
If the current situation is not being very serious, I would laugh, or at least not snort, to hear someone say that Atsuko, selfish arrogant woman, it seems like a good woman. But this time I was too shocked to be able to laugh or snort. My wife met a girl who had been secretly met, I can’t imagine what Atsuko would do to me.
“when?” I asked in a hoarse voice, very hard for me to speak with sudden throat dry, “how can that be? I mean. . Argh,” I ruffled my blonde hair in frustration, “please explain to me what really happened!”
“last week, I met with Atsuko-san,” Haruna explained, she still didn’t raise her face but I don’t care, I listened to the story seriously, I need to know what had happened between them, “actually I was also surprise to receive an e-mail from Atsuko-san. And finally we met.. Atsuko-san asked about my relationship with Sensei.”
I cursed myself inwardly. Somehow, how to Atsuko knowing about Haruna but I knew she was not going to forgive me.
“and then?” I asked timidly, “what did you say to Atsuko?”
“I told her that you are a teacher and has a lot of to help me, I explained that I was the one that has forced you to accompany me..”
“but you don’t make me!” I protested.
I don’t want Atsuko mad at me but I also don’t want to Haruna lie on Atsuko because I never felt that she had been forced to meet. I see her as my own will.
Again, Haruna smiled.
“Atsuko-san is a good person, she listened to me and gave me advice,” Haruna finally lifted her head and looked at me, “I feel happy to have the opportunity to talk with people like Atsuko-san.”
‘advice’? I don’t know that Atsuko could give advice to anyone.
“Atsuko-san knew I liked Sensei.”
I swallowed.
“Atsuko-san said that I should like Sensei, and that I must convey my feeling to you,” Haruna explained with flushed cheek, apparently despise earlier statement is the idea of Atsuko, “I have to express my feeling on Sensei, not so you know my feeling to you, but so that I know what your feeling to me. And so I don’t misunderstand and expect too much.”
I wrinkled my forehead even though I could feel my cheeks heat up to hear it, “Atsuko said liked that?”
Haruna smiled, she shipped her drink before giving me an answer, “Atsuko-san just said that I have to express my feeling on Sensei, for my own good. And after I tell you, I understand...”
I don’t know what to say so I just quietly listening to anything that would say that girl. I was hard to believe Atsuko has met Haruna, and more so to say things like that at Haruna.
“from your reaction to my statement earlier, I already know, you doesn’t have any feeling to me,” Haruna didn’t look into my eyes as she said, her eyes staring at the cup in front of her which was almost empty, “ah no, actually I already knew from beginning. Sensei only doing good to me out of pity but I hope so. But now I understand. I’m not going to take advantage of Sensei again.”
“Haruna. .”
“both my parents are getting a divorce, Sensei.”
I was surprised to hear that.
“I’m going with my mother to go my grandmother home in Fukuoka, after the new school year, I will submit a written request to change school,” this time Haruna looked into my eyes as she said, “when Sensei was teaching, I mo longer go to school. Because that, before I go, I want to spend time with Sensei,” Haruna face getting flushed and again she hid her face behind her bangs, “however, Sensei is my first love.”
For the umpteenth time, I lost my word tonight. There are many things that surprised me happened tonight. Lucky i didn’t have a problem with my heart.
“so, are you going to move..” I knew I should say something to cheer Haruna but currently empty middle of my head and I couldn’t think clearly to find the right word to make her feel better.
“yes,” Haruna said in a small voice, “I’m sad, but not because my parents to divorce. I’m sad because I had to part with you. I really liked Sensei..”
“I- I. .” I tried to say something but failed, “ah, sorry.”
In the end I can only apologize. I really suck.
Haruna shook her head.
“Sensei not wrong, no need to apologize,” she said explained, “I’m very happy. In the end there are people who are wiling to listen to all my problems. So far, I have always felt lonely and started hating adults. But then I met adult like you and Atsuko-san who opened my mind and changes my views.”
I smiled, “maybe it was because I and Atsuko was immature too.”
Haruna chuckled, “no, that’s not true. I want to grow up to be adults who like you and Atsuko-san. You want to talk to the kid without condescending.”
I smiled back to her, I don’t think she is thinking like that and I’m glad to hear it.
“thank you, Haruna.”
“thank you too, Sensei,” Haruna said as she reached her hand to shake to my hand, she smiled with tears in her eyes when I shook her hand smaller than my hand, “goodbye.”
--
“tadaima,” I muttered, putting a plastic bag containing milk cans for Ryo on the table in the kitchen, I glanced at Atsuko through the corner of my eye as I took of the jacket that since I’ve been wearing.
“ah, okaeri,” she answered without looking at me in the slightest.
I tried to learn it, but the look on her face when I didn’t see anything strange on her. She looks normal and ordinary. No different to her. What she really has to know about Haruna? Since when? Then why did she let me lie to her and act as if nothing happened anything and still look cool? Or maybe this is not significant problem for her?
I swallowed. Somehow I’m afraid to ask her even though I wanted to know the answer.
I was debating with myself to ask her when Atsuko decided to turned to me and surprise me with a question that is actually quite normal if only I didn’t just hear that she actually had to know things that have kept from her.
“you got the milk? You bought that for zero to six months, right?”
I nodded and lifted the plastic bag that had been placed it to show it to Atsuko, “I’ve asked the shop keeper, and he gave a formula suitable for Ryo.”
Atsuko nodded to hear it, she look calm and normal, “I feel guilty at Ryo should give him a formula.”
I was trying to act casual and walk towards Atsuko and sat next to her, “so be it, your breast water doesn’t come smoothly,” I reached the television remote and replace with a re-broadcast television shows football games, “Ryo already sleeping?”
Atsuko reclaim the remote from my hand and went back to change to a romance drama which was being watched, “Ryo rather fever so he was a little fussy but now gone to bed,” Atsuko said as she looked back at the TV screen, she shifted a little to improve the position of the seat and leaned her head on my shoulders casually.
“tomorrow we take Ryo to the doctor,” I said as I flinched, worried about my son, but also feel awkward at the same time as Atsuko leaned her head on my shoulder.
“mmm,” Atsuko muttered while remaining focused in the direction of the television, “hopefully tomorrow morning Ryo’s fever has gone down.”
I nodded even though Atsuko couldn’t to see it, “but we still bring Ryo to the doctor. As a precaution in case there was nothing.”
“mmm,” Atsuko muttered again, but after that she didn’t say anything else and looked serious watch her favorite drama.
Of distance and our current position is so close I could smell the cherry gentle shampoo to use. I don’t know why Atsuko could seem so comfortable with this position and I desperately need to refrain looked uncomfortable in front of her. I don’t want her to know what this time I was nervous because of her.
Know since when Atsuko know about my silent meeting with Haruna. So far, she always looks natural in front of me.
While I’m not sure if I could be natural in front of her. After all I was a biology teacher instead an actor. I’m not good to be pretending. I wouldn’t be surprised if know Atsuko already know about my feeling for her that I keep from her.
I was silent for a moment, suddenly realized that maybe Atsuko indeed have known about my feeling. Atsuko is not a fool and I’m not a person who is good at pretending. Maybe this time Atsuko actually have known about my feeling but pretend not to know.
Wait a minute.
If she did know about I feel to her, and why she didn’t do anything about it? Why does she behave as if nothing happen
I stared back at her, but from a position like this is hard for me to see her expression.
Beyond expectation.
After a long to know all about it, but apparently I was wrong.
I don’t know what came over me. Maybe I was inspired by what was Haruna said to me earlier. Maybe I remembered what Atsuko said at Haruna. Maybe I can’t stand keep it to myself anymore. Maybe I just wanted to say.
Before I could think far I have opened my mouth and call upon the Atsuko name.
“hey, Atsuko. .”
“hm?”
She still didn’t look at me.
Maybe I just wanted her to see, really see.
“I love you.”
TBC
sorry for my bad english