Title: Coming Back Home
I don’t know why I decided to come here. I know it’s a big mistake. And I know a huge part of me is going to regret it. Everything inside me is screaming for me to run back, to go and never turn back. It’s what my brain tells me, but my legs can’t seem to operate and do the task. I know the reason why I’m here in the first place and I know why I can’t just turn back and pretend this never happened. It’s because I have to hear it from her myself. I have to hear the words that the tabloids say and what the pictures show on the front covers. I just have to hear everything from her. I can’t seem to believe it unless she tells me. But I think the reason why she gave me her address a month ago - at the coffee shop where we so happen to be passing by - is that she just wants to see me again. I get this feeling that she misses me, that she still…loves me. That’s not what the magazines say though. They seem to tell me a whole different story, that I just can’t seem to buy, a story that I REFUSE to agree on. So to quash my doubts and my fears I decided to stop by. I didn’t call her to let her know. She told me a while back to come by any time. So I chose now. The afternoon is the only time where I’m able to have a day off. This is some way to spend my day off. Visiting an old friend I thought I would never see again. Of course we’re far MORE than just friends. I’m sure everyone knew that though. Taking a deep breath, I gather up my strength again to finally knock on the door. I have been staring at the door for a good twenty minutes before. This isn’t an easy thing for me. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’m still here in front of her very house. The door opens and the second she sees me her face lights up with shock. It’s only for a second.
“Risa, what are you doing here?” she asks.
Her voice is neutral. Her face holds no hint of disappointment. She shows no emotion. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. She’s changed. Something about her seems different. I grab the edges of my coat automatically and cast my eyes to the right.
“I need…to talk to you.”
She didn’t question me and moves out of the doorway to let me pass. Once I get inside I feel even more worried. And my brain keeps flashing me warning signals. All to which I ignore. I go into her living room to take a seat. This is a nice house. It’s not that large, but it’s filled with vibrant colors, and it isn’t too fancy either, it’s just right. It gives me this homey feeling. I sit down and wait for her to join me. She’s in the kitchen getting us drinks.
“What do you want?”
“Water will be fine.” I weakly respond
It doesn’t take her that long to get our cups and before I knew it she’s right next to me handing me my cup. I thank her and take several gulps to calm my nerves. I don’t know why I should be this nervous or this shy. I’ve been around her before and all we’re going to do is talk. There’s nothing to be so worked over. Feeling like this reminds me of the first time when we met at the auditions. Trying to get into Morning Musume wasn’t the only thing that made me quiver; it was her. The way she looked when she came into the audition room. I still remember it well. She was just as scared as me, not sure if she had what it took to be a singer. She doubted herself and her singing abilities. She also felt like an idiot with her accent. That’s one of the things I liked about her, that and well…her dazzling smile. It’s a type of smile no one can ever forget.
“Risa? Hello, are you there?”
I blink breaking out of my reviver and blush. I apologize and take another sip of my water. She smiles and leans into her couch. My hands start to fidget. She shifts so that her body is facing towards me to get a better view. I however, keep looking at my hands. She nudges me in my side to try and get me to talk.
“What’s on your mind?”
Quite frankly, I don’t know how I should put this. I need to ask her this, but I know the uproar it will cause between us. And I know for a fact she’ll either get angry or just very quiet. Things will become awkward between us in the blink of an eye. But I also know if I don’t say anything or refuse to speak my mind she’ll try to find ways to pull them out of me. So either way I’m stuck. Of course I should have known that when I reached her house. Should I be blunt? Or should I lie and act like everything about me is ok? Should I lie about everything? Maybe she won’t be able to tell. I won’t take the risk. I’ll just for once be blunt. I think she can handle it.
“Is it true?”
I turn my head in her direction. Her face is stern, her smile gone, and for once she shows some sort of emotion. She seems…guilty? With that look I put everything together and feel my face turn into a frown. My heart broken in two, I should go and leave now that I have my answer, but I don’t. My legs aren’t working again it seems. She looks away from my gaze and gets her cup from the coffee table. She knows what I’m talking about. And she better not deny it either.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I question again. I need her to speak. I need her to say anything. I would mostly like her to tell me this is all a joke. Some sort of sick joke or a horrible scandal, but it looks like I won’t be getting any of that.
“It wasn’t important,” she mumbles.
I feel my heart sink down to my stomach at those words. She said them in such a cold manner, like she doesn’t care or as if I don’t mean anything to her. It makes me regret even more being here. She doesn’t need me. She has her own life; a better one, a life that doesn’t involve me. She seems to be doing just fine with me gone. I really should go. But I know that since I’m here she isn’t going to let me go so easily.
“Why do you suddenly care who I date?” she snaps.
“I just needed to hear it for myself. No one wants to see their ex on the front cover of a magazine and see that you’ve suddenly switched teams.” I shot back.
It goes quiet for a while after that. Neither of us knows what to say. Things are just awkward between us. I can’t let us sit in this intense silence. It wouldn’t be good.
“Whatever I do is my business Risa, not yours.”
“Ai…”
“When were you planning on telling me about you and Sayu?” she quickly points out.
I go silent not expecting such a blow like that. I feel her heating gaze on me as if she’s trying to burn a hole into me. I should have seen it coming. She knows just what to say to turn the whole subject around. She is smart. I never doubted that.
“How did you know?” I ask; she gave me a low chuckle
“I know you Risa. You might hide things well from everyone else, but not from me.”
I finally lock eyes with her. When I do I can see how she really feels inside. She’s just as hurt as me. She’s lonely. She’s misplaced. I am too. Since she’s left Morning Musume, things just aren’t the same. And being the leader isn’t as fun as it seems to be either. Eri’s sub-leader, she is doing a very good job too. She’s owned up to her responsibilities very well. I can count on her when I’m having one of my bad days. But I shouldn’t have to rely on her all the time. I need to focus again. If I do this it might help. I’ve been thinking about this for quite sometime.
“Who I date isn’t any of your business, Ai.” I growl
“Oh, but my personal life is for you to know about?”
Her expression changes to a very angry one. What is this? A verbal battle on who can make one feel guiltier? Everything I’ve planned is going right out the window. I don’t know what to expect anymore.
“Do you love him?”
I cringe, I shouldn’t have asked that. Things are going downhill very fast. Ai shifts and raises a brow. She’s done with these questions. She is done talking about this subject, but I’m not. I have to know this. I don’t know why and I know I shouldn’t ask them, but I have to. I guess I need to know if she still truly loves me. If she doesn’t I will leave and never come back. I will forget her and finally move on. I can be happy and try and make the relationship between Sayu and I grow. I know I haven’t been very fair with her. I’ve been distant to her and she often doubts what we have. She shouldn’t have to go through that. That’s why I need to know, so that I can finally let our history go.
“Sort of.” she mumbles
That’s not the answer I was looking for. That’s not the one I want. She’s supposed to say yes and then from there I would leave. I would walk right out the door and forget her like I’ve planned. Why does she always have to do the opposite?
“You don’t know? That’s not what the pictures on the front cover say.”
I’m annoyed. I don’t know why. She just puts me through so many emotions in one day; it must be one of her specialties. I’ve never been so emotionally attached to anyone like I have been with her. We still have this connection even though we haven’t seen each other for a year and it’s still strong. Partly, because I let it, I don’t want to let it go.
“Is this is why you came here?! To ask me about my boyfriend?! If that’s the case then just leave right now, Risa.”
My whole body goes tight. My hair stands up on end. She’s never been this harsh to me. I’ve seen her mad a couple of times, but she was never this mad at me. She was never this cruel to me. I feel my eyes burn and sting from the salty tears that are starting to build up and fall. I bite my bottom lip to try and contain myself. I guess she’s given me my answer. She didn’t say it verbally, but she doesn’t have to. I get up after sitting there for a while. I can’t look back now. If I do then I will never be able to leave or move on. So I walk towards the door without saying a word, without even a glance. I step right out of the door. And she doesn’t do anything to stop me.
***
I didn’t allow myself to cry after that. I just told myself to never see her again and I haven’t. I didn’t call her, answer her calls, or visit her for three weeks straight. She was going to be in my past. I had a new life now; one that didn’t involve Ai. I also had to make things right with Sayu too. She seemed happy because she doesn’t ask me all these questions or tries to get me to go with her everywhere just so she can feel at ease not having to worry about me cheating on her. Work was time consuming as always. We had been called for a meeting early this morning. And like always they were unbelievably long. I was glad to leave though. They had given us another day off surprisingly. I wasn’t complaining though.
“Risa?”
I snap out of my daze and look at Eri. I smile and rub my tired eyes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night. Was there something you said?”
“We just wanted to know if you would like to come to the mall with us, since we have a day off.” Sayu tells me.
I frown. “I’m kind of tired right now. Can we hang out again later?”
Sayu seems a little disappointed. “Ok, I’ll see you in a few hours.” she then agrees
I smile and she leans in to give me a quick kiss on the lips. I blush. I’m not used to kissing her with people watching. They all know about us, but I’m still a little shy about it. Eri hugs me and she leaves the room with Sayu. I’m left alone finally in the meeting room. I sigh out and rest my head to the table face down. I’m tired of this. This feeling I have towards Ai. I still love her and no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, it stays there. Why can’t I just let it go?
“Had a bad day?”
I feel a pair of hands quickly wrap around my hands and hold me down. I jolt and look up scared it might be some crazy man going to murder me. When I turn around I’m not scared anymore. I’m just angry.
“Ai, what are you doing here?!” I yell out
She smiles at me and shrugs. “I thought I’d visit you this time.”
“How did you even get in?”
She laughs. “I did use to be a Morning Musume member you know? They let me in without a problem.”
I try to move out of my seat, but her hands pin me down strong. I also notice how incredibly close she is to me. It makes me feel very upset. She also has this strange sort of glow in her eyes. I’m very sure I know what that look is, but I’m not entirely sure. She shouldn’t have a look like that towards me. We’re both seeing different people. She should have that look towards the one she’s dating, not to me. I look to the carpet. I need to look anywhere, but her intense and hungry eyes.
“W-what’s wrong?” I slur.
I try to get my hands free again, that fails. When did she become so strong? I’m not sure if that can be a bad or good thing. She’s starting to scare me. She leans down so she’s close to my ear.
“Everything’s fine. Couldn’t I just visit you for once?”
Even her voice sounds a little strange. I jerk my hands quickly out from her deadlock and get up. My only objective: leaving. To be honest; I don’t trust myself around her alone. I know I should, but I don’t. She has this type of power over me that I can’t fend off. That’s why I’m going to leave or I plan to. It depends how things turn out and if she doesn’t stop me, which I doubt.
“I um…I have to go.” I stutter.
“Why are you acting so strange?” she asks.
I turn around. Her face doesn’t look dark anymore. She looks like her normal self. Was my mind playing tricks on me? The glow in her eyes was unmistakable and also scary. It was like she had all these ideas. Ideas about doing naughty things to me, I couldn’t have read that wrong.
“I’m acting strange? You’re the one that’s WAY too close to me!”
“I just want to talk to you. Can’t I do that?”
I slowly walk back towards her. My hands placed on my hips in an angry manner, I eye her wearily. I don’t know if she means that or if she’ll make things get out of hand. Her face seems innocent enough so that I can talk to her, but what could we possibly talk about? There’s nothing to say to each other. I’m not really that mad about her kicking me out, I’m just a little hurt. I can get over that though.
“What do you want Ai? Because something tells me you want to do more than just TALK.”
She leans against the table edge. “Aren’t you moody today? What’s bothering you?” she asks.
And I decide to be blunt again. “You are!” I scream “What are you doing just showing up like that after you told me to leave your house?”
She frowns and looks down. Her shoulder length layered hair shifts to the side a little when she leans her head to the side. She thinks for a little then sighs. Her fingers tap the edge of the table she’s pressed against. She looks straight into my eyes with a serious expression.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I guess…I was a little angry at the time,” she flatly says.
I stare at my hands that have on their own come together and fidget. Oddly, I feel myself starting to tear. I know it’s stupid, but I can’t seem to control my emotions or myself, especially when it comes to her. I take a sharp intake of breath to try and contain myself. I wipe away my unshed tears.
“Why are you here Ai-chan?” I weakly ask.
She doesn’t take a second to hesitate. “Because I miss you.”
And I feel that I’m about ready to cry just from those words alone. Then I feel her hands rest perfectly around my waist and pull me extremely close to her. When my body goes against hers I let out a little yelp. The light in her eyes changes again to the same look I saw before. So my mind WASN’T playing tricks on me. She does have this lusty kind of look. I stare at her frozen. She has me in a firm hold. We’re so close. But instead of kissing me like I thought, she hugs me. She holds me just the way I like to be held. I don’t know if I should relax or become tense. We’re no longer together. We shouldn’t be doing this. I have someone and she does too.
“Ai-chan what,”
This time she kisses me, but it’s short and chaste. It stills scrambles up my head though. She places one hand on my cheek and smiles at me. This can’t be right! This isn’t going to end well. I’m a good person. And most importantly, I’m a GOOD girlfriend! I can’t be in this room with her anymore. I can’t trust myself. I’m not sure how long my resolve will last. I have to leave now. Somehow my body works with my mind and I push Ai back and go to leave.
“I…I can’t.” I whisper
She takes a hold of my wrist as I go to leave and brings me back. She won’t let me go. Why won’t she let me go?! She’s making this harder for me.
“You can’t what? Love me?”
I sniffle and shake my head. “Don’t say it like that.”
“But I love you.” She repeats
I feel my heart sink just a little. I should be happy, yet I’m not. I don’t understand what’s going on. What’s wrong with me? Something wet touches my cheeks and trickles down my face. Ai touches my face and wipes it away. I realize that I’m crying.
“Ai, you have a boyfriend. You shouldn’t be doing this. It’s wrong.” I remind her
“We broke up.”
“Why did you do that?” I ask. It’s the complete opposite of what I had in mind. But if she doesn’t have anyone, than that means she’ll try and get me back and I already am in a relationship!
“I thought you would be happy that I’m single again.”
“Can we not do this? I’m really tired and I’m sure you have better things to do.” I beg
She’s persistent and the more she is the more I feel myself going weak. I can’t trust myself anymore and she knows that. I think that’s why she’s pushing things with me. Why can’t she just let me go?
“I need you to listen to me.”
I look besides her. “I am listening Ai.” I assure her.
She lifts my head up so that we’re eye to eye. I feel everything inside me melt away. My strong will and my resolve have just suddenly disappeared just by that simple look in her eyes.
“I want to be with you. I love you and I know you love me too.” She sternly tells me
“You don’t know what you’re saying Ai. Go back to your boyfriend.” I push her away again and quickly dash for the door.
This time she can’t grab me back because I practically ran across the room. As I get close to the door she slams her hand hard against the wall ending my escape route. I turn to her in fear. When did she become so aggressive? Her face shows how angry she is. I lean into the wall as my only defense. She puts her other hand to the other side of my head and traps me.
“I know what I’m saying and I know that I want you. Stop trying to deny what you feel.” She growls
“I don’t know what you’re talking,”
She kisses me, but this time it’s more passionate and it’s longer. That’s not what bothers me though, what does is that I have no willpower left and I kiss her back. I even tie my arms around her mid section to bring her closer, encouraging her. This is wrong! This is horribly wrong! I can’t let this go any further! I have enough power to break our kiss and turn my head away.
“Ai, I think you should…”
She cuts me off again and kisses me on the neck in a spot she knows that will drive me crazy. Her teeth scrap my delicate skin and I sigh. She licks my pulse point and then kisses it several times. I let out a small moan. I can’t think anymore. She has me and she knows it. I feel her smile into my neck and she gives the base of my neck one last kiss before looking back at me. Her eyes are dark and luring. I can’t turn away.
“It’ll be ok,” she whispers to me.
She holds me and places a couple of kisses on my neck and shoulder as she leads me further into the room. All I’m focused on is Ai and how good her skin will feel against my own. Her kisses are still the same; they’re sweet and yearning. She still remembers the things I like and where all my hot spots are. As we start kissing again hungrily, I feel the corner of the table jab my back. Then her hands tighten around my waist and she lifts me off my feet and puts me into a sitting position on the table. She leans in and bites the top of my ears briefly then kisses my temple gently. I feel my whole body grow hot with desire. Why can’t I move? Why can’t I say anything? I should tell her to stop. I should reject her and run out the door like none of this happened, but I don’t. I can’t. Is this real? Am I going to let this happen? I feel Ai’s hand shift to my thigh and it slides under my skirt. She pushes my skirt up and grabs my underwear. She quickly yanks my panties down to my knees. I feel my breath get caught in my throat. I shift a little and let out a small groan. I close my eyes and gulp. I know this is wrong yet…I can’t turn her away. I’m weak. I’m weak for her. It’s pathetic. Ai pulls my underwear off completely and then she removes my shirt. She kisses my shoulder tenderly the second my shirt is off. I pull at my skirt and she smirks. I blush and look away. She helps me get it off and it falls to the floor like the rest of my clothing. Soon I’m completely naked. She pushes me back slowly and opens my legs again. She goes down and kisses the inside of my thigh then trails her tongue up my leg. I cry out and draw out a shaky sigh. She stops and stands up. She turns my head so that I’m looking at her. In her eyes I see everything. Love, lust, desire, pain, hunger, happiness, everything; this means more to her than just getting laid.
“I love you,” she pants.
I put a hand on her cheek and pull her towards me and kiss her. I slip my tongue between her lips and swirl my tongue with hers. She moans this time and squeezes my thigh firmly. My whole body shivers. I’m not thinking anymore. I’m using my feelings. I’m doing what my heart tells me to. And to my heart this feels right. It feels right to be with her like this. She has control of me. Only she has this type of control, no one else. She parts for air and holds on to me. I’ve taken her breath away from one simple kiss. She can’t seem to stand up right for a second.
“I love you too.” I say back, I give her a brief kiss.
For once I’m telling the truth. For once I’m not lying to myself and to Ai. This is true and it’s real. What we have and feel for each other. It’s something we can never let go. And no one else can ever have or try to take away. She kisses down my body and to my legs. Then I realize something. My face shifts to a serious expression.
“Did you lock the door?” I ask
She grins. “I’m already ahead of you.”
I laugh and nod for her to continue. I lean back resting comfortably on my elbows. I want this. I want her. I want only her to touch me like this. She doesn’t waste anymore time and gives me what I so desperately crave. And she’s what I crave.
***
“Ai-chan?” I faintly speak
It takes her a moment to get her breathing under control to reply. I make little circles on her shoulder as I wait for her to speak.
“Yeah?” she says
“Does this mean…we’re together again?”
She goes quiet for a while. The silence between us makes me regret even asking such a question. She starts stroking the back of my head lovingly. I shouldn’t have said it. I ruined our moment together.
“I don’t know. If you don’t have your girlfriend anymore we can be.” she responds.
My eyes go wide and my mouth hangs open in shock. I completely forgot about Sayu! This is awful! I let Ai have her way with me when I should only let Sayu! I quickly get off Ai and jump off the table. I quickly start to collect my clothes. I’m a bad person! I’m a cheater! I’m a traitor! Ai lifts up her head from the table and looks at me. How can she have such a calm face?! Doesn’t she know what we just did?! What I just did?! And on top of that I can’t find my underwear! It was here before. I’m going to have to leave with no panties now. I put on my bra and toss on my shirt.
“This is horrible!” I squeal
“Risa, relax, it’s no big deal.” Ai soothingly says.
“What do you mean it’s not big deal?! Ai, this is HUGE! Do you realize what I just did?!” I scream outraged with myself
She grins. “Yeah, we had crazy and hot sex. So?” She gets off the table and cringes. She rubs the back of her neck a little and stretches. “Remind me to never have sex on a table next time? I have some major kinks now.” She starts gathering her clothes and puts on her pants and undergarments.
I turn around to try and fight the temptation I feel to go over and kiss her. “There never will BE a next time! This whole thing was a huge mistake.” I clarify bluntly.
“Aw, come on don’t say that.”
I feel her arms on my shoulders and she spins me around so I can face her. I put my hand out to keep her away while I’m trying not to focus on the fact that she’s standing in her bra and pants. Why does she have to be so hot? No! No, I can’t think like that. I have to be strong again. I have to be able to tell her no. She dips forward and kisses my jaw line. I close my eyes and sigh.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy this?” She whispers to me
I want so badly to kiss her again. NO! No I DON’T want to kiss her again! I don’t need to make things worse. I push her away and glare at her. She looks at me coolly.
“This isn’t going to happen again! You stay away from me.” I order, “I’m going to leave and I don’t want you to follow me or visit me ever again got it?”
I make a dash towards the door.
“Ok. So does that mean you won’t want these back?”
I turn around and see my underwear in Ai’s hands. She’s such a perv! I grab them and slap her across the face. Quickly, I leave seeing that my slap distracted her, and walk down the hall furiously. When I see a bathroom I run inside to put on my underwear and head to my room after that. I have to make things up with Sayu! She doesn’t deserve this. She’s so kind and loving to me and I repay her by sleeping with my ex. This is awful!
***
I haven’t seen Ai for a while after that. And soon I forgot about what we did in the meeting room. I made sure I spent a lot of time with Sayu too. I wanted to make things up with her. I still felt a little guilty even though what happened has been a month ago. She thought it was odd at first being that I was giving her so much attention, but she soon stopped questioning me about it and enjoyed me being around her. If she knew the reason why I was acting so strangely she would never forgive me. She would hate me. She would feel so betrayed.
“Right Gaki-san?”
I snap out of my reviver and look at the girls in front of me. I have no idea what they just said. I blink.
“Huh?”
“Do you even listen to us anymore?! Where is your mind today? Sayu naked?” Reina growls
I blush. Eri jabs Reina in the gut to silence her. I rub the back of my head and sigh. I can feel Sayu’s gaze on me. She’s probably worried now.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to zone out on you guys. What were you saying before?” I ask
“Never mind. I’ll be in my room. Don’t forget about tomorrow’s dance rehearsal.” Reina says and leaves. She walks out with Eri and so does everyone else, but Sayu.
I turn to my left to look at her. She won’t let it go. She’s going to try and pull whatever’s bothering me right out of me.
“It’s nothing Sayu I’m ok.”
“You’ve been acting very strangely lately. Is there something you’re hiding from me?”
She stares me down and I want to spill everything I’ve been hiding so badly. I want to tell her everything, because I can’t hold it in anymore. The guilt is too much. She’s so nice. She’s been nothing but kind to me and the best girlfriend anyone can ask for. I remind myself all of these things why I agreed to date her. And the only thing that pops into my head when I say this thing is -she isn’t Ai. She never will be. I feel her hands rest on my leg to get my attention again.
“I’m fine, honestly.”
She nods believing me once again and goes in to kiss me instead. It isn’t one of the short kisses we usually share. This one is longer and passionate. I kiss her back not because I want to, but because I feel that I have to. I have to prove to her that I’m ok and she’s worried over nothing. But as the kiss gets more intimate I start thinking back about Ai. And how I want her to kiss me more than Sayu. I quickly back away and look down. What’s wrong with me?
“Risa?”
“I-I-I…Sayu. I can’t do this. I can’t…be with you.” I stutter.
Her eyes begin to tear. I expected her to act this way, but it’s only fair that I do this. I have to do what’s right. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. I’ve treated our relationship like its some type of joke and that it means nothing to me. I won’t tell her that though, because I know it will only break her heart even more.
“What? Why?” she asks, I don’t answer. “Risa if you’re going to break up with me at least tell me why?!”
I hesitate for a second. “Because…I’m still in love with someone else.” I truthfully tell her.
She bites her bottom lip to try and hold everything in. It makes me feel so bad inside. She’s so nice. She’s perfect in every way; I don’t want her to blame our break up on her. Because it all has to do with me, I was never ready to date her fully.
“Sayu, I’m sorry.”
I reach out to put a hand on her but she backs away. She looks like she’s going to cry right about now.
“Just go Risa. Don’t…talk to me ok?” She chokes out
I get up and race out of the room. There’s nothing else I can say. Nothing I can do to make everything better. I can’t make her not feel the pain she’s going through now. Everything is messed up! It’s all screwed up because of Ai! It’s all her fault! Suddenly I start to cry. I don’t know why, but I do. Is it from guilt or stress? Or maybe because…I won’t dare to think that! I run up the stairs to the safety of my room. I can’t let anyone know I’m crying. I have to be the happy and cheery Risa everyone knows and loves. Everything will be ok. Right?
***
For two weeks things have been awkward around Sayu and I. She wouldn’t look at me or talk to me. I couldn’t blame her though. I broke her heart and I never meant to. The others knew something was wrong, but they never asked about it or confront me. They felt it was best that way. Things would soon sort out on their own time. I still felt so guilty though. She really cared for me. She loved me, but I never loved her back how she deserved to be. And today I had to be around her for today’s interview. That didn’t make things any better. It hurt me more inside and by the end of the day I was beyond tired. So I went to my room to sleep. When I reach my room I feel my whole body go still and I nearly fall from shock. It…can’t be. I’m seeing things. She shouldn’t be here! Not now! She notices me down the hall and runs to my side when she sees my sad face. She puts an arm over my shoulder and holds me. For some reason that only makes me want to cry.
“Risa what’s wrong?”
She hugs me and guides me to my room. She asks me for the key and I hand it over to her not really paying attention to anything around me. Why won’t she leave me alone? Why won’t she let me be? Why does she affect me in the worse way imaginable? Doe she know what she’s doing to me? She walks me towards my bed and sits me down. She closes the door, locks it, and joins me back on the bed. She looks at me to start talking, but where do I begin? Everything before me just turned into crap.
“Risa, talk to me.”
I turn my head to her with a grave expression. She looks at me with such concern. I sniffle and she wipes away several of my tears.
“Why?”
I know I should ask her why she’s here again, but that’s not the first thing that comes to my mind. She looks at me curiously not understanding what I’ve just said. I can tell she wants to help me, but she just doesn’t know how.
“Why what?”
“Why do I love you so much?”
She hugs me tighter and kisses my temple affectionately. I lean into her and cry. I cry about everything I’ve hidden and ignored. All the pain and sorrow and all the stress I tried my best to get around. It all comes out and she’s here to hold me and pick up the pieces. She doesn’t ask any more questions. She just holds me and lets me cry until I can’t cry anymore and I’ve settled down.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
I pull away from her neck to look at her properly. What could she be sorry about? All of this isn’t her fault. It’s mine. I was never over her completely. She’s still so close to my heart. I still love her. I still want to be with her, even if she doesn’t want to be with me.
“I should have left you alone. I can clearly see you don’t want me near you, but after you came to my house I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You’re all I ever thought about since then. And I realize you’re the only person I want too. I still love you, Risa.”
Her hand slips into mine and I close my hand around hers perfectly. She smiles at me and plants a kiss briefly on my lips. Now is the chance to stop lying to myself, I have to be true to myself. I can’t think about the others or their feelings. Right now I need to do what’s best and what keeps me happy. And being in Ai’s arms again is all what makes me happy. She always has. I kiss her more passionately and push her back on my bed. I only stop kissing her when I need to breathe again. I lie on top of her and sigh. Her arms circle around my waist. In her arms I feel safe, I feel whole. I feel that…I’m finally home.
Topic: One-shot-Coming Back Home (Ai/Risa) (Read 7009 times)