xDDD Forgive the lateness! It took a while for my Loser-chan and my schedule to match up so we could do this together o_o;
PS. No, that's not my Loser-chan's actual display name xDDD Trillian has this lovely function where you can rename your friends so I took the liberty of excercising that feature.......
[17:45] Super Uke
: lol okay honesty dj maimai..it's just...I can't see H!P cross over with harry potter
[17:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Neither could I
[17:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: While it is an interesting combo... It just.... xD......
[17:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: H!P and HP are like, two separate gods
[17:45] Super Uke
: like i can see H!P having magic and all that...but..
[17:45] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Of different cultures
[17:46] Super Uke
: seeing harry potter interact with like Miki is just...woah
[17:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Miyabi meeting Mr. Potter? Noooo o-o;
[17:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Mmhmm o_o
[17:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Super extreme xD
[17:46] Super Uke
: lol
[17:46] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: While it is an interesting thing, seeing two cultural gods meeting each other, but uh.... It's kind of an awkward meeting.... xD
[17:47] Super Uke
: yeah
[17:47] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: ANYWHO, shall we beta the actual writing content, snookums? -clings- <3
[17:47] Super Uke
: -bricksss-
[17:47] Super Uke
: >_>
[17:47] Super Uke
: mm kay
[17:48] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Ah yes, this must be the second or third chapter xD
[17:48] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: -skimmed the entire story once- o-o;
[17:48] Super Uke
: -skimming-
[17:48] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Wow, subjective much? xD
[17:49] Super Uke
: lol
[17:50] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Hey, hey, don't just skim the entire thing xD Do it one by one so we have a worthwhile beta D<
[17:51] Super Uke
: lol sry hold on i'm on the phone
[17:51] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: xD... Kay
[17:55] Super Uke
: sry LOL back now and ready to review lol
[17:55] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Woo~
[17:55] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: -clings- I've missed you, honey ;-; the bed so coooold without you
[17:56] Super Uke
: -bricks- off crazy...anyway, reading the first paragraph...I don't know....it seemed just weird reading it.
[17:56] Super Uke
: too many short sentences
[17:56] Super Uke
: like, Miyabi stretched in bed. Rolling over in bed... it's like awkward.
[17:57] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Subjective xD
[17:57] Super Uke
: Be better to enlongate some sentences like, "Miyabi stretched and yawned, rolling in the bed she lied on.."
[17:57] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: And obvious xD
[17:59] Super Uke
: in honesty i can't really read this..it's one of those stroies I avoid to read after skimming the first couple of paragraph..I think it's mostly due to that whole H!P/HP cross over thing..
[17:59] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Yeah... xD
[17:59] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: I can see the effort put into this, but... xD
[18:00] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: It's just not interesting at all to me... xD
[18:00] Super Uke
: but i don't know, like the setting can be used but..like any mention of the harry potter characters should be subtle like..'there was a great wizard once who saved us all, he was once called the boy who lived' or something like that
[18:01] Super Uke
: the HP char. actually interacting with H!P..is hard to grasp and see in my head lol
[18:01] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Yes... xD
[18:01] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: But let's ignore that and just focus on the style xD
[18:02] Super Uke
: well, the style is nice, looks like a lot of work has been put into it..just..not enough work like for one as mentioned several times, the story is subjective..
[18:03] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Adjectives and adverbs are your friends DJ~
[18:03] Super Uke
: I also don't really get the sense of any 'real' plot in there either..
[18:04] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: I swear, the subjective-ness messes up a lot of stuff... xD
[18:04] Super Uke
: it really does
[18:04] Super Uke
: lol
[18:04] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: I mean, in the previous chapter, I didn't even go all doki doki even though there was action scenes and "tension"
[18:04] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: You know what, this is like a script o_o
[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: "Hey Miya! Read these lines and do this and we're set
Go!"
[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Like that xD
[18:05] Super Uke
: yeah you're right its like a script o_o!
[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: It shows what they're saying
[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: What they're supposed to stage think
[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: what they should do
[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: and the general setting
[18:05] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: That's it xD
[18:06] Super Uke
: scripts are a nice format...if you're making a movie but in fanfiction it's a little hard to read it and stay interested to see the next chapter
[18:06] Super Uke
: since in fanfics its like you're writing your own little online book
[18:07] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Mmhmm
[18:07] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: The author/ess is ALWAYS the one with the most vivid imageries of how their story is going to be like
[18:07] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: The hard part is putting words down
[18:08] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: to match it
[18:08] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: You're trying to make your reader dive into your world with only the help of words and no images
[18:08] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: So you HAVE to be able to have a sense of your world in your words
[18:09] Super Uke
: i think the script like format there is good to draft out how you want your story to go and when you start to revise it, you try to find words that'll make readers delve into your imagination and see what you see
[18:09] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: If you can't get your world out of the words you wrote, then keep trying until you do
[18:10] Super Uke
: lol
[18:10] Super Uke
: its a unique idea no doubt
[18:11] Super Uke
: but the format of it doesn't help much for the reader to be interested and leave comments saying 'woah! i hope this isn't the end ' or blahblahblah
[18:12] Super Uke
: i think, it's best to start this story over in a less script like format..and less subjectiveness in there...try to find words that convey your world, if at first you don't succeed..try, try again.
[18:12] Super Uke
: or however that saying goes =w=
[18:13] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Yeah xD
[18:13] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: You want us readers to see your world? Let us see your world then xD
[18:13] Super Uke
: ^ god you're so cheesy and lame >_>
[18:13] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Just not like what you are doing, it's a script of your world xD
[18:13] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Of course xD
[18:14] Super Uke
: okay next story
[18:15] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Hold it xD
[18:15] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: No ending messages? xD
[18:15] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Wait, I was the one who gave those ending messages o_O
[18:15] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: ... You have a message for DJ?
[18:16] Super Uke
: i did, I gave that saying
[18:16] Super Uke
: if at first you don't succeed try try again.. o_O what that's not a good ending message?1
[18:16] Super Uke
: !*
[18:17] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Oh, then uh... kay xD
[18:17] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;:
....
[18:17] Super Uke
: idiot >_>
[18:17] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: -waves goodbye to audience-
.......
[18:17] Super Uke
: >_>
So there you go <3
Oh and on a random note, an anonymous writer sent their PM to me and not my Loser-chan as well, so she got upset about it... xDDDD
[18:18] Super Uke
: DAMN YOU PEOPLE THERE ARE 2 PEOPLE IN THIS BOOTCAMP!! NOT JUST THIS...THIS....STOOPID ROLLING WEIRD-O!! -points at yuuuu- (haha i made a pun there)
[18:19] Super Uke
: D:(
[18:19] Super Uke
: D : < (phailed fface)
[18:19] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: LOL XDDDD
[18:20] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Too bad they're not going to see that part xD
[18:20] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: ... Actually, they will
[18:20] Super Uke
: TTATT
[18:20] Super Uke
: o_o
[18:20] Super Uke
: -bricks- you're an asshat! D<
[18:20] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: Thank you xD
[18:21] Super Uke
: -punches-
[18:21] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: <3333
[18:21] Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ ( ¯ロ¯ );;: I love you~
[18:21] Super Uke
: >_>
I named her that sn for a reason xDDDDDD