I don't know if anybody will care to read this after a year and a half since the original story, but some more came to my mind last night. And like I said:
... maybe I'll have more to say from Reina's point of view one day. I'd better not make any decisions yet, because I've been know to quite suddenly churn out a hundred pages after saying "The end" at the end of a one-part story.
And for once, it has nothing to do with the usual 2.
When we last left our heroine, she had just been enlightened about friendship. Let's see what kind of lesson she has learned and what changes she's made in her life...
A Fraction of a Cathartic Couple of Hours IIIScrew the freaking world.
Ya know?
If anybody could hear my thoughts right now, they'd make some lame joke about that being Yoshizawa's favourite line. The "Ya know?" bit. They think 'cause she said it in one song, like, twice, it's her trademark. The stupidest things develop from the stupidest things. Not that it's a stupid line. It's cool. It works. It's English! But just, arg.
But I'm even angrier at myself. I made great headway two weeks ago when I accidentally (um, yeah, accidentally...) listened in on a conversation between two of my seniors. They were all friendly and I was all pessimistic. Then I actually listened to what they were saying and I realised that I could be more like that with my friends and get more out of life.
And I tried! I really did. I came to work the next day with food to share with Eri and Sayu, and I was extra nice to everyone, and I even complimented Koharu on getting a dance right (although it was a total lie 'cause she did, like, eight million things wrong). It felt good for the first few days, and everyone kind of noticed something different about me.
But then I gave up. I saw my seniors - the undefeatable GAM duo that had inspired me to be nice - fighting like dogs, screaming ridiculous things at each other (and just when I thought they'd never argue in their lives), and Eri started doing strange and stupid things that pissed me off. Then Sayu got on my case about this and that, and I just said screw it all.
Ya know?
The next day, GAM wasn't speaking to each other, Eri was on drugs and meditating (or at least that's my theory), and Sayu was all hurt and offended because I'd ignored her when she'd started whining about not having time to shop the previous weekend. Koharu kept doing the wrong thing. I thought a little encouragement was supposed to help someone, give them confidence, and get them to do things correctly. But she stayed as terrible as usual. And to add to everything, I fell down during dance practice, something that never happens (falling, not practice), and everybody laughed. I wanted to kick them all, especially Gaki, who falls
all the time.
I can't believe that these are my friends and people I work with. They drive me insane.
Because, okay, all that shit happened. And
then everything reversed. GAM got married again (or at least, you know, they stopped fighting and started talking), Eri bought me a super awesome wallet that is exactly that kind of wallet I've always ever wanted, and Sayu brought me food. Koharu, while she was still tripping all over the place, finally got her placement in the dance right, and Gaki ran into a door made of glass (this had me in stitches for hours).
So I was in a good mood again, my faith in human beings and friendship renewed. I went back to being nice. I paid compliments, gave out candy, and smiled at my friends.
And then they got on my nerves again. For some reason Fujimoto started targeting me with scathing comments that were supposed to be jokes but sounded pretty bitchy to me, Eri ruined the orange scarf I lent her, and Sayu barged in on me while I was on the telephone with my mother and then wouldn't stop teasing me about how my personality changed when I was on the phone with family (which is totally not true).
So I've given up. I can't keep up with all this. Why do people have to be so wavering? Why can't they just be one way and never change so drastically as to make you hate them?
I love my friends, but I don't think I will ever be nice to them. If I am, they'll just make me want to rip my hair out and scream. Again.
***
"Tanaka-san, could you-"
"What?!" I yell, swivelling around sharply in my chair, coming face to face with... not Fujimoto but my manager.
I'm sitting in the common area on the third floor of a studio that we basically own. For the past twenty minutes I've been holding a television script in my hands and facing towards the window. I already memorised my lines last night, but I've been using this script as an excuse to sit quietly and alone with my thoughts.
Fujimoto was on my case yesterday evening about being a better leader for the younger ones (there's only one in our group, and she's hopeless!), and so mostly I was just thinking about how nice it would be to put her on one of those medieval torture machines where they stretch a person out from tip to bottom. She'd beg forgiveness, and since I'd be the ruler of the world, I would not grant it. The offender's arms and legs would slowly be ripped off. But there'd be no blood because spilling blood would cause an unsightly mess. There'd just be a few stray fibres from the tearing of the tendons and muscles, but nothing more. And then the armless and legless Fujimoto would be carted off to a special home as a bearer of an important message. ("Hear ye, hear ye! I cometh here to deliver this message to thee: Do not mess with Tanaka Reina!")
Okay, I got a tad involved in my fantasy. So when someone called my name, I assumed it was the person I was thinking about and I reacted appropriately (and yeah, one can argue whether or not it's appropriate to yell "What?!" at your senior, but given my mood (as well as hers), I don't think it would have endangered any already-soured relationships).
Alas, it is my manager who is not Fujimoto. Alas, alas. She is usually slow to anger, but I think I've been a bit insane the past week (not my fault, everybody else's). She snaps in the head and delivers a speech about my attitude. I listen with boredom and contempt. I make sure to show both on my face, although to keep up images, I throw a bit more boredom on there, just to show her that while her words bother me, I would much rather be gnawing off my own arm than listening to the same old tired speech.
But... something different..? I feel a hand grab my shoulder, and it pulls at me roughly.
"You're coming with me to talk to the discipline officer," my dearest manager growls at me.
Violent physical contact? Growling? Surely this must be a dream. Ishibashi is a kind woman, a patient woman, a... a... someone who would never do what she is doing right now!
She hauls me to my feet, drags me to the elevator, and slams her hand down on the button for the highest floor - twelve. My mind is mostly fixated on the fact that my manager has gone insane and might very well be taking me up to the roof to push me off of it, but about ten percent of my brain wonders who this 'discipline officer' is and why I've never heard of him or her. I try to open my mouth to speak, but my shock has made time pass differently within my mind and out in reality. What has felt like twenty minutes to me has in fact been only several. So when I start to ask where we're going, the lift doors open and Ishibashi shoves me out, grabbing me by the back of my shirt (maybe she doesn't want to push it and grab the scruff of my neck, although personally, I think she's already taken this all way too far) and leading me down the hallway.
I do manage to make a sound. It's not very sensible. Kind of a low "Rgh" with a bit of a questioning "Errhg?" thrown into the mix. Perhaps when this episode is over, I'll belong in the imaginary home to which I've sent the imaginary, limbless Fujimoto.
In one minute (or in my mind's time, about thirteen) we reach a regular door situated three units away from the end of the hallway. Ishibashi knocks with her left hand, her right hand still holding on to (and no doubt wrinkling) my top. I don't hear any kind of reply, but Ishibashi places her hand on the doorknob and twists it, pushing the door open slowly. She walks in first, which results in my being turned around and drawn into the room backwards. Not exactly the best way to make a dazzling entrance. But I'll work with it. I put on my bored face, still confused out of my mind but desperate enough about keeping up appearances to slip into my routine. Ishibashi somehow kicks the door closed without turning around, and she drags me forward while turning me to face into the room.
It's pretty dark with the door closed. The light has some kind of dimmer installed on it and it's turned down to the lowest level. The curtains are also drawn shut, which is obviously the sign of a sick freak because it's a beautiful day out today, and natural light would do the job better than this strange light fixture. In front of the curtained window is a desk with nothing on it, and behind that desk is a forty-ish man in casual business wear sitting calmly. He's utterly unremarkable. One of those countless nondescript salarymen you walk by in the morning to get to school.
"Tanaka Reina," Ishibashi announces, pushing me forward as I try and maintain my cool.
What's going to happen? Is this man going to strap me onto a torture machine and do unto me what I have imagined doing to Fujimoto? And why do I get the distinct feeling that Youtube and Mixi will become involved? Seeing video footage of a forty year old torturing a teenaged idol would probably get a lot of people off. But Ishibashi is there to keep me safe. Then again, she might be of the mind to leave, quietly closing the door after her. Revenge, perhaps, for the bitchiness I serve up to her on a dish daily.
The man extends a hand out to the chair on the opposite side of the desk. The client's side. On my side. On... the victim's side..?
I start to sweat. Is this what I'm here for? Torture? The carrying out of severe punishment against the Project's most volatile member? Oh, why oh why did I ever idolise Nakazawa-san when I was younger? I sweat some more.
Ishibashi forces me to sit in the chair, and I grip the arms. It's all I can do to keep from screaming out my questions, from screaming out in fright. If this were any other situation, if these were any other people, I wouldn't be so scared. Or at least I'd be able to effect a strong face. But the fact that it's my trustworthy Ishibashi-san that has snapped and brought me to this torture chamber relays to me the gravity of the situation. Reality has changed, and those that could be trusted before are no longer worthy of that honour. This is a world of opposites. What would never happen in the world as I knew it before will now happen.
And it's all my fault. It's entirely my fault. I've been a terrible person, and because I yelled out at Ishibashi one time too many, I will now pay. I am the straw that broke the camel's back.
So I do what any girl my age, tough or not, would do in such a situation: I faint.
***
I awake to a few nudges and a sprinkling of cold water on my face. I begin to mutter about the injustices of life when I remember my situation. My eyes shoot open, and I regret doing that. While I'm still in the strange room, someone has had the sense to open the curtains, and the sun just happens to be glaring in through the window and into my eyes. I turn my face away and take in my surroundings.
The salaryman is now standing, rather than sitting, behind his desk, looking at me with concern. Ishibashi is standing just to my left and holding a glass of water, watching me with the same concern.
"What..?" I croak out weakly.
"I'm sorry. We didn't mean to scare you
that much," Ishibashi apologises, somehow reverted back to her regular, soft personality.
I frown.
"You wanted to scare me?" I ask, confused still.
The salaryman goes back behind his desk and folds his hands on the surface, looking at me with a calm expression.
"I'm the leader of the disciplinary committee associated with your Project. It's my job to make sure everyone behaves properly."
His voice is an octave lower than I expected it to be. It booms in a deep but friendly way, and it only makes this situation all the more strange.
"You're not the first girl to be brought here, but you are the first to faint," he explains.
Is that a twinkle of amusement in his eye? I'm the first of the girls to faint? He'd better not be laughing at me, because if he is, I'll jump out of this chair, grab that stupid collar of his, rip it up and stuff it in his mouth and then open the window-
No. I can't think like that. I need to remain calm. That kind of vivid daydreaming was what got me in this chair in the first place.
"Although to your credit, we've never quite dealt with a mischief maker the way we have with you."
Well, at least that's a bit of a comfort. I'm so big 'n scary that they had to use extra terrifying tactics. It makes me feel a little better.
"Who else has been here to see you?" I ask, gaining confidence and losing fear as each second passes.
They're not going to hurt me. Now I know they're just trying to scare me back to being a good girl.
"Of the girls you know? I can't name names, but the ones you might expect," the man says knowledgeably, "and a few you'd never suspect."
Now I'll never rest until I've found out who the latter group of girls are. Probably Gaki's one of 'em. I'm sure there's a naughty streak in that goody toe shoes. I'll have to invite her out for lunch and pry in my special Tanaka way.
"So... can I go now?" I ask nonchalantly, or at least as nonchalantly as I can manage, still not quite used to this situation, though secure with the knowledge that I won't be harmed.
"Tanaka-san, we need you to understand that we've got our eye on you."
And that's all he really needs to say. Message received. Tanaka shall henceforth be a good girl.
And that's all he does say. He swivels his chair around to face the window, and I take that as my dismissal. I look up at Ishibashi, who has been standing off to my left silently the whole time. She acknowledges me with a nod, and we both move off to the door together. We exit in a far more distinguished manner than when we entered.
The elevator ride is eerily silent. I'm a bit scared of my manager now, even though she doesn't look like she could hurt a fly. I want to ask her just exactly what happened simply out of want for something to do during those awkward minutes heading back to the third floor. But I don't really need to ask anything. I know what it was all about. I crossed a line with my attitude, they used their scare tactics to knock some sense into me (or at least knock me out), and they let me go with a warning.
Maybe now is a good time to start thinking about people and how they change from one thing to another day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Maybe I should be a little more forgiving, especially when it comes to my friends. Whether they want to fight or be pleasant with one another, nag me or buy me things, praise me or ignore me, they are who they are. We're all just human beings.
And maybe - just maybe - Sayu is right about my personality undergoing a change when I'm speaking to my family.
Pfft, not.
The End.