IT LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES O____O!!!!!
Track 01
She hated her.
That woman was such a liar.
She had never stayed with her.
When Aya had awoken up the next day, Miki was gone.
Hey, thanks for everything, but I can not stay with you. You’ve got years to go, and I’ll just be in the way. Perhaps one day, I’ll come back to see how you’re doing.
—Fujimoto
She remembered tearing up that note, ready to tear the next closest thing to her apart. She had hated that woman for leaving her alone. She had hated that woman for breaking their promise. To think she even begged and cried for that vampire to stay… What sort of woman was Fujimoto Miki? To abandon someone who has offered her a home to stay, letting her know that she wasn’t a burden to her… That was the worst…
To abandon a lonely child…
Aya kept telling herself to hate that woman for the things she did to her.
And so she did.
Various times. Numerous times. Consecutive times. She reminded herself of her anger for that vampire. Whenever she passed by the bookstore, the only thing her eyes laid upon were titles suggesting a plotline involving vampires. “I hate vampires…” she would say as she walked by. Whenever she gazed upon construction sites eerily resembling her first meeting with the woman, she would force herself to scoff and focus on the errand she was supposed to have run. Whenever she read the characters or heard the name “Miki” or “Fujimoto,” an impulsive growl would escape her throat.
She realized that her aggressive behavior was scaring her younger sisters, however. In the event that such occurrences involving the vampire happen, her sisters would stare at the hardened expression of their eldest sister, perhaps even frightened at the sullen face. It was a contradiction to Aya’s character itself as well. She eventually realized that when she found that her sisters became reluctant to go with her or even associate with her. In order to remedy that error, Aya made sure not to let her anger show.
She was to conceal all emotion.
No matter how much she had hated it, she had to bear it and continue smiling. It was hard to do at first, for her snake-like eyebrows made her seem like she was always angry. Any angrier, and that would make the already angry face even scarier with the harsher visage. She had learned to utilize her eyes and her lips to make such an expression softer thanks to her senpai.
But at the same time, it felt a little stupid to her too.
However, it was ‘whatever it takes for my sisters to be happy’ she had thought. With her change of atmosphere and reactions, her sisters were able to be at ease and allowed themselves to confide in her whenever she had approached them with that smile and her kind eyes. Everyone else she knew could be comfortable around her as well, with her change of attitude. She needed to be a nice person… No, it was required to be a nice girl.
Aya had wondered though…
Was she like that when that woman was around too?
She remembered the goofy grins she had given the older at times. And then she also remembered that vague feeling of happiness when she was told that the woman would stay with her. She had remembered everything clearly about the vampire. From her roman nose to her broad shoulders, she had the woman pictured perfectly in her head. The woman’s lethargic voice taking a liking to calling her ‘brat’ definitely was not forgotten either.
But she hated her.
Why was it that she was able to remember every single detail of that vampire she loathed? Did she really want to be able to recall the entire imagery of Miki in her head? Did she really have to remember that voice which was meant to insult her? No, being called a brat by that person did not seem like an offense. To her, it sounded like Miki didn’t mean for anything bad to come out of calling her that. “Brat” as said by the wanderer was not supposed to mean anything degrading at all. Did Aya like being called a brat?
Why was she defending someone she spited? She was supposed to be her icon of hatred for leaving her alone like that. Miki as an epitome of sin was her good luck charm. At least that was what she had thought at a glance.
But maybe…
But maybe she had hope. There was a feeling within her. It was an odd feeling. It would always tell her that it was going to be all right… It would always tell her to calm down… It was also what brought her back to the present, which had saved her from being scary to her siblings ever since… It had also told Aya one other thing…
She will come back for you.
That feeling would always appear in her thoughts whenever she began thinking about that ignorant woman. Whereas Aya would accuse Miki of abandonment, her thoughts would accuse her of selfishness. She did not like to admit it, but her selfishness did cause many problems…
Maybe Miki didn’t like her for begging and pleading her stay. Maybe Miki didn’t like her for dragging her into her home. Maybe Miki didn’t like her for being shot many times. Maybe Miki didn’t like her for having to kill someone just to save her.
Maybe she didn’t like her for being a burden.
Aya leaned forward in her seat, clutching her head at the maelstrom of questions which had suddenly formed in her mind. She had hoped to steady her chaotic thoughts by holding her head, but to no avail, her headache became worse. Questions without answers appeared in her eyes, all relating to that damned vampire who screwed up her mundane life. She wanted all of it to stop giving her such a migraine. Her nails dug deeper into her skull, intending to pierce anything that could cease the pain of her head.
She hated the headache.
She hated it so much.
No.
It was her she hated.
It’s all her fault that she received this headache.
It’s all her fault that everyone was so scared of her at one point.
It’s that damn vampire’s fault.
It’s all her fault.
It’s entirely her fault.
She wanted to kill her for making her feel these unwanted feelings.
If only Aya knew where she was…
She will not accept apologies. Measly things like ‘I’m sorry for walking out on you’ or ‘I apologize for my reckless behavior’ won’t satisfy her. She wanted a full guarantee that the woman would never leave her again. She wanted to make sure that the vampire would not abandon her.
She hated these negative feelings.
She hated being a worrywart.
She hated that headache that was happening now.
No.
She shouldn’t blame herself… She did not do anything wrong… She had offered that vampire shelter, she had offered that vampire food, and she had offered that vampire her company…
It was her, not Aya.
Miki was the bad person who chose to leave her.
It was all her fault that Aya ended up like this.
It’s all her fault.
It’s entirely her fault.
She will come back for you.
There it was again. That voice within her that had defied all of her doubts. Aya sat up straight on the soft velvet couch; however, that headache became worse. What did she have to do to get rid of it? There were no pain killers in sight, and she had no desire to leave the room she was in. Looks like she will have to endure it for the time being.
But she was afraid…
She wasn’t afraid of that headache though.
She was afraid of that feeling…
She had hated that feeling too.
Every time that feeling would arise, she would find herself frightened…
…Because what if she believed it?
What if she put her faith into believing that the vampire would come back?
That no-good woman would never come for her…
Her faith would be destroyed…
And then it would all lead to hating her again…
She hated being abandoned by her.
She hated Miki.
Aya believed she was supposed to hate her.
But now… It felt more of an obligation rather than pure instinct alone. She had to hate those vampire novels… She had to hate construction sights… She had to hate anything associated with that woman… She needed this anger.
But why?
Was it really necessary to put this woman through so much hell in her head? Aya tried to dive deeper into her thoughts, trying to find a reason for all this. She tried to find reason in her anger of being left behind. She thought and thought harder, hoping to find that answer…
It was a substitute, wasn’t it?
It wasn’t that she needed anger…
It wasn’t that she needed to hate Miki…
It was because she wanted an excuse.
Any excuse.
She needed a reason to think about Miki all the time.
“Matsuura-san?”
Aya looked up at the familiar voice.
“Is something the matter?” came that concerned tone, “do you think you’re ready to do this? Or do you need more time?”
“It’s alright,” Aya stood up, stretching herself.
“Are you sure?”
“I told you, it’s alright,” Aya confirmed again, walking towards the other.
“I see…”
“Shall we go then?” Aya said as she brushed past the other, walking through the door. She traversed across the halls, familiar with its layout after previous visits. Eventually, she found her destination and walked into that room. There, she stood next to the table to pick up her headset and walked briskly to a very familiar object. She looked over at the glass, finding the other already at it and sitting at the controls, wearing headphones of his own.
“Tsunku-san? I’m ready,” Aya smiled at her producer, giving wave to show that she was ready to record her newest song.
Tsunku gave a nod of acknowledgement.
“Alright. Love Namida Iro, recording number one.”
:B