When she first told me. I got angry. So angry that I stormed out our room and I didn’t talk to her for a week. I know, I shouldn’t have been angry with her. It wasn’t her fault, but I still put the blame on her. I guess I did it because it was easier blaming her than being upset at the real reason why she was leaving. I don’t know why I did that, but it’s like that old saying goes; “You hurt the ones you love.”
I got over being angry with her, eventually. I even started to feel like a complete idiot for treating her how I did. Ai is going to graduate Morning Musume in two weeks and for one whole week all I did was avoiding her instead of trying to spend time with her. I felt horrible and I’m sure she did too. She probably even thought that this was all her fault and it’s not. We both saw this coming, but it still hurts. Ai was going to leave and I was going to finally be leader, but I didn’t want to be leader, knowing that she would have to leave. I couldn’t do this without her.
I cried a lot almost every night. It was the only time when I was able to let out my true feelings and not have the girls worry about me. I also had responsibilities to do as sub-leader. I had to keep everyone in order. They knew I was hurting though. They also knew about our relationship and knew it was affecting me more than any of them. Sometimes Eri, Sayu, or Koharu would come up to me and ask if I was ok. Of course I would lie and put on my best smile. I wasn’t sure if their of them bought it each time, but it stopped them from asking me questions so much.
Eri, would hug me every time when I needed on the most. And that kept me together at times. After all, concerts, shows, singing lessons, rehearsal, and dance lessons still had to be done. And I had to put my smile on each time no matter how much I was hurting inside. Today I was both physically and emotionally tired. I had a meeting about our newest concert and of course, Ai’s graduation came up.
I wasn’t sure if I was able to sit through that meeting, but some how I did. I was very tried after. So I decided to go to bed. I was walking toward my room. All the other girls were either already sleeping or doing something else. When I stepped inside my room, I felt my blood run cold, and my legs anchored to the ground. I’m pretty sure I look like I’ve just seen a ghost. I can’t speak.
“Hey.” Ai whispers, she fidgets and looks to her hands as she stands at the edge of my bed.
“Hi.” I say back in a shaky voice. I can’t think. Everything inside me is shutting down. “H-how did you…get in here?”
She scratches the back of her ear and looks down. She’s just as nervous as me. She has a reason to be. I know what she came here to talk to me about. It was clear. She didn’t need to say anything. I knew.
“I…asked LinLin if I could borrow her key.”
I feel guilty. I had asked LinLin to switch rooms with me so I could avoid Ai at all cost a while ago. It wasn’t the best thing to do, but it seemed like a good thing at the time. I can tell in her eyes how much that hurt her. Seeing the pain on her face that was caused by me kills me more inside.
“We need to talk.” She holds a stern face.
When she says that, my heart skips a beat. I walk to my draw to try and get my mind off this sharp pain I’m feeling. I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to ignore it. I wanted to ignore the fact that she was leaving and most importantly…leaving me.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I have nothing to say Ai.” I say coldly
There I go again…hurting her. I don’t mean to, I guess it’s how I can deal with this right now.
“Why are you being like this? Do you hate me?”
I can hear her voice crack at the last part. I cringe. My eyes still look to the draw. I start fiddling with whatever make-up is there.
“I don’t hate you Ai.” I clarify.
“Then why are you avoiding me?! Why won’t you talk to me anymore?”
I’m afraid to tell her the real answer. I don’t want to hurt her more, but she won’t go away until I tell her. She’s grown tired of me ducking and covering from her.
“Just go Ai. I’m really tired and I could use the sleep.” I solemnly speak.
And that was enough for her. She rushes over to me, grabs me by the shoulders, and spins me around. She was angry; her eyes shine with rage.
“Is it because I’m graduating?! That I’m leaving Morning Musume and you feel that you’re left to pick up the pieces? Is that why?!”
I look at her. My eyes begin to tear. My heart is breaking. All the emotions I left behind and locked away are starting to surface all at once.
“Answer me!”
And I just start crying. My tears come out like a burst of water from a dam. I cover my face as I cry like a baby. My heart left into a million pieces. I’m so tattered and torn. They were taking her away from me. They were taking away MY Ai.
“Ai-chan.” I sob
It’s all I can say through my crying and I say it like she’s my savor; my angel that’s fallen from heaven and lost their wings. She doesn’t know what to say, so she holds me. And I welcome her hug; I embrace it. I feel myself beginning to sink to the floor. My legs suddenly are too weak to keep me up. Ai just holds on to me tighter and brings me to my bed. I let out a soft sigh when my back hits the soft mattress. It brings me only a small fraction of relief. Ai looks down at me with a sad expression. A single tear rolls down her face. I reach out, forget my own tears and wipe that only tear from her cheek away. I cup her face, stare into her cloudy dull eyes. She leans into my palm and closes her eyes. I’m going to miss this, having her hold me. Or have her kiss me in such a tender and loving way.
In her arms I feel safe. I feel…unbreakable.
“Ai-chan?”
She opens her eyes and looks at me with those sad lifeless eyes. I hate seeing her like this. It makes me feel ten times worse.
“Yes?” she asks
“Can you…hold me?”
She smiles at me and nods. She gets on the bed and lies beside me. I turn my head to look at her. I’m really tired, but I’m afraid that if I close my eyes she will disappear. She puts her arms around me and I move over to bury my face into her neck. I don’t ever want her to move. I want this to stay forever, but I know it could never happen.
“Ai-chan?” I say again
“Hmm?” She sounds sleepy too
“Promise me we’ll stay like this forever?”
“Risa.” She warns, breaking me of my fantasy.
“I know.” I say
There was no harm in trying to believe it could happen. This is just too perfect and I would hate to ruin it. She places a kiss on the top of my head.
“Close your eyes. I’m not going any where.” She vows
And I really wish she could keep that promise. Keep it and never look back.
I feel my eyelids begin to droop. Sleep is overtaking me. I’m just too exhausted to fight back.
“You…promise?” I tiredly question
I fall asleep before I could hear the answer. I’m too tired to stay up any longer.
***
The next morning she was gone. There was no note, nothing. It was just I alone again in my room. And like before I avoided her after that. For the whole day I occupied myself with whatever business I had to do. When she tried to talk to me I would go to one of the girls and talk to them instead. I worked myself into the ground with business. It kept my mind off the pain, but it only could do that for so long. I avoided her for two days straight. And even though I tried to keep my mind off her and on what I needed done for the concert, my thoughts still ended back to her. I missed her. Her smile, her laugh, her touch, I missed everything. I couldn’t live without her.
But no matter how much I missed her I still avoided her. For another two days. The two weeks to her graduation were to a close and all I did was spend it trying to hide from her. Tomorrow will be the last of the two weeks. And I spend this day again on work. The girls kept asking me if I was ok the whole time I was around them. I wasn’t smiling at all and I didn’t talk much either. I’m sure I have dark bags under my eyes and I didn’t bother to cover them with make-up anymore. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
I walk down to my room again. All I want to do is cry. I need to let all this stress out somehow. Just as I reach my door, someone pulls me back from my wrist in the hallway. I knew who it was. I look at her emotionless when I turn around. She has dark circles under her eyes just like me. She doesn’t say anything this time. Instead she kisses me. And I kiss her back. I don’t care who sees us; I need this. I need her comfort. Our mouths part and I feel her tongue meet with mine. I wrap my arms around her neck and her arms cling around my waist. She brings our bodies closer together ending the gap between us. As we’re kissing she moves us backwards towards my room. It wasn’t that far. I feel my back hit the wooden door when we get there. I then pull away to get my key.
I open the door quickly and get inside. Ai closes the door and makes sure it’s locked too. This is going to be the last time we’ll be together. Tomorrow will be the concert, Ai’s graduation concert. I still can’t wrap my mind around that, but it’s happening and I’ll officially be leader. I feel her hand on my cheek wiping away tears that I didn’t even know were falling from my eyes. She places a kiss on the top of my head then to my cheek and that only makes me cry more. I hold on to her tight and plead with my eyes for her to stay with me. She just puts on that cute smile of hers and kisses me again. I don’t think a second to kiss her back and of all the kisses we had this is different. This is a kiss saying her final goodbye. I cry more knowing that, but I don’t stop kissing her. I let her lead me to my bed just like before. I feel the bed hit the back of my knees and she starts taking off my clothes. She takes her time in removing each piece of clothing I have. She wants to remember this night just as much as me.
She takes off my shirt and pulls down my pants. When they’re at my ankle I step out of my jeans and kick them to the side. I look at her nervously. I know this will be our last time and I’m afraid what will happen once she’s gone. I’ll be alone. We’ll go our separate ways. I don’t want her to go away and I don’t want to forget her. I hope she won’t forget me either. She places a light kiss on my lips to bring me from my fearful thoughts. I blink back tears that are ready to fall. She gives me a sad smile. She knows it’s the last time for us too.
“Don’t worry about what’s happening Risa. Worry about now. Whatever comes we can take it.” She tells me
Look at that. She’s the one being strong for me now. Usually I’m the one comforting her. Keep things in line, now she’s the one picking up the pieces to my broken heart. She can try to mend them back together, but that might take a while. I nod and with my shaky hands I start to undress her. We’re both standing at the bed in our undergarments. I feel more nervous now. This isn’t our first time, it’s just that I can’t get out of my mind that once the morning comes she’ll be gone, and we won’t be together ever again. I want to make everything last. I want to remember this night forever. Ai takes off the remaining clothing I have and I do the same to her. We’re both now naked. I shiver at the cool air that blows against my skin. Ai pushes me back on to the bed on top of me. I don’t feel the cold anymore with her warm body pressed against mine.
She strokes a piece of my hair and puts it behind my ear. I wrap my arms around her back firmly. She nuzzles her face against my neck gently. I feel my skin tingle. Her hand slides up my arms and finds my hand. She locks her hand around mine and I close my hand around hers. She lifts up her head from my neck and looks at me. It’s hard to tell what she’s thinking because it’s so dark in here, but I’m sure she’s just has sad as I am. I’ve learned to understand her so well that sometimes she just doesn’t need words to say anything. I can see everything in her eyes and her actions. Right now in her touch I can tell she’s in so much pain. But she’s just better at hiding and controlling than me.
“I love you Risa.” She whispers to me
“Don’t let go.” I tell her
She shakes her head at me.
“Never.”
“I love you.” I finally tell her
She dips her head down and our lips meet in a hungry and desperate kiss. I close my eyes trying to burn everything she does and everything she makes me feel into my head at once. I never want this to go away. I cling on to her as she travels down my body. She’ll make me forget…forget the pain and the sorrow and that’s what I want.
***
We made love until sunrise. Until our bodies couldn’t take it anymore and we needed to finally sleep. We were both covered heavily in sweat. I was lost in the moment. I took a deep breath, breathing in the sweet scent we made together from our lovemaking. My body was exhausted, but I fought to stay awake. Ai laid on top of me trying to get her breathing back to normal. I look towards the window and see the dim light of dawn peaking through. We’ll have to get up soon. I felt Ai shift on top of me. I look down to her to see what she’s doing. Her face is against my neck hidden for me to see what she’s thinking. Then I feel her body start to shake and it took me a second to see that she was crying.
She was finally, letting her emotions show. I stroke the back of her hair, holding her close to me. She’s finally letting me see her in her weakest form. I feel myself start to cry too. I don’t let her know that though. I stay strong and hold her. It’s the least I could do since this whole week she was being strong for me. She picks up her head a little and looks at me. And even with all those tears and sweat on her, she still looks like an angel. She’s my angel and I wouldn’t have her any other way. At this time this is where her beauty shines the most. Where I get to see her true heart.
Yes, this will be the last time for us together, but I couldn’t thank her anymore for giving me such a precious memory that I’ll be sure to keep close to my heart forever. Maybe through all this, we’ll be back together again, and this time nothing will ever keep us apart.
Topic: Final Goodbye (Takagaki one-shot) (Read 4324 times)