Title: Missing You
Things in my life couldn’t be any worse. It feels like I want to die or fall through a giant hole in the ground and never come back. I want to disappear. I feel so angry, but mostly hurt.
I know, however, that even though I feel like crap inside and like everything in my life is coming to an end, I don’t regret a single thing I did with her.
In fact, I still love her despite me telling my parents I never did. I lied to them. I don’t feel like I’m betraying their trust from lying and I’m sure as hell not worried about consciences. I told them things they wanted to hear. Not what I was really feeling. I even said sorry to them and how dating her was a huge mistake, but deep down…it isn’t.
None of this is a mistake. I have to at least be honest with myself. She’s the best thing to happen in my life. She was never a mistake. She was a dream.
A gift from the gods and I never took that for granted. I still love her, with all my heart, and I know she loves me too. But right now things are a little hard on us, mostly her. Of course, when my parents knew about us dating they told her parents and they treated her a lot more badly than my parents did to me. Probably, because her parents had so many expectations for her.
She was their pride and joy. I guess she isn’t anymore when they found out she was into girls, and dating me for that matter. I can’t help, but feel a little guilty inside even though she asked me to not feel that this was my entire fault. I just wish I could stop her suffering, but most importantly-I want to see her again. You see, after our parents found out about our relationship they made us break up and never let us go near each other again. And angrily, we agreed.
It’s been two months already and the only time I get to see her is in the hall when we go to change classes. She stopped saying hi to me though. She won’t even look at me anymore! And that hurts, quite a lot you know? We’ve been through so much together.
We’ve been together for five months and in that time period you can guess what we did. We had our first date, first kiss, and first time. I can still remember the last one clearly the most. Our simple touches or kisses held hidden words. Our tightly clasped hands locked promises together we never dared to break and yet…we did just that.
And this feeling I get when thinking about our break up hurts a lot more than a punch to the gut. It feels like I’m dying. Like someone stabbed me multiple times to make sure I can’t get back up. I’m bleeding slowly from within and I can’t stop it. I don’t know what to do.
Things only became worse when I found out she had a boyfriend. I know it isn’t her fault though. It’s her parents. Her parents want her to seem ‘normal’. Knowing her, she isn’t one to go against her parents’ wishes and obeyed them. While I don’t give a shit what my parents think or say.
I don’t care about what my dad says the most. I didn’t date anyone after our break up either. I’m not going to make my parents happy by dating some sleazy guy to please them. They can’t make me. I refuse to live a lie.
It hurts enough seeing her with some guy. I see them hold hands, kiss, or he puts his arm around her shoulder or waist. I feel jealousy rise up deep inside me every time I see his hands on her. I want so bad to punch him in the face and kiss her in front of everyone to see she’s mine, but I would never do that. I understand why she’s doing this.
I don’t want to make things worse for her. She doesn’t need that. So I’ve decided to let her go. It’s working out just fine for me at first, but today while walking to class like I normally do. I see her walking down the hall alone.
Her pathetic boyfriend isn’t around this time. I find it odd because they’re always together. I don’t think much about that. I could careless about him. The instant I walk close to her, I feel her hand slip into mine on purpose.
My whole body tingles and I want to leap for joy at the feeling of her hand against me. The last thing I want is to look like an idiot though so I stood quiet. I did, however, smile just a little and in a second it was over. I don’t turn around. I keep walking and I feel something into my palm.
When I get to my desk in the back row of my English class then I look down and see that I was given a white folded piece of paper. I’m not sure if I should open it at first. I’m afraid it will be a farewell letter and I begin to panic. I think about throwing it out, but then I get curious. I need to know what it is even if it’s a goodbye letter addressed to me.
With shaky fingers, I carefully open the sheet. My breath gets heavy with anticipation. I can see in neat and blue ink it reads:
I miss you. Let’s talk.
Meet me after school at my locker.
She drew a little heart at the bottom at the end of the note. I don’t know what to think when I'm done reading it. I just stare at the letter for quiet sometime, re-reading each letter over carefully- to see if my eyes weren’t deceiving me. She really wants me to meet her? Even though she knows we would both get into so much trouble if our parents find out?
She would never do that. This has to be some joke by her boyfriend to try and get me into more trouble with my mom and dad. This couldn’t be her telling me this. She would never do such a thing, but I know her handwriting quite well. And these letters don’t lie.
She is the one telling me this. It isn’t some horrible joke. It’s real and that’s just as worse as it being a joke. It must be important if she’s telling me to meet her. So I can’t stand her up.
I’ll meet her today after school to see what exactly is she planning. It’s a good thing I’m in my last class for today. I can quickly meet her and skip the trip to my locker. I just hope she knows what she’s doing. During class I can’t get my mind off her and our meeting.
I look forward to it. I haven’t been able to talk to her decently in such a long time besides the break up and that’s not a conversation someone wants to remember. I wonder what she’ll say or why she told me to meet her. What I’m worried about is my parents finding out, but we’ll keep this meeting brief. Or I intend to keep it that way.
I don’t take notes for today’s lesson since I’m so busy focusing on about what’s going to happen after this class. I stare at the clock the whole time, just waiting. I tap my fingers rapidly against the desktop and my feet start to shake, eagerly. The bell rings and I’m the first one up and out of the door. I dash through the hall and between crowds to get to my only goal.
I still remember where her locker is and I get there before her since I’m in such a hurry to see her again. I stand here waiting and look for her through the crowd of girls and boys. She always was late when it came to showing up. I see she’s still kept that habit. Several minutes later, I can see her making her way down the hall and my chest burns in both enjoyment and fear.
I’m so nervous. She’s as beautiful as ever though. Her smile light up after she spots me and she quickens her pace. I clutch at the edge of my shirt when she stops in front of me. I’m scared.
I’m not sure why. She isn’t doing anything. All she’s doing is standing next to me and we haven’t said a word yet. She gets her books out of the locker then we walk out. She doesn’t tell me where we’re going, but I trust that she’s going to bring us somewhere quiet and secluded. I remind myself I’ll only stay with her for a few seconds and nothing more.
If I stay longer something we’ll later regret will happen. We walk down a few blocks and she leads me to this small and empty playground. It looks like it hasn’t been used in years because all the rides and swings are badly rusted all over. This is perfect. No one will think to look here.
We take a seat on one of the benches and sit there in silence. We’re both nervous. I look at her and then back to my hands. Someone has to speak.
“Aren’t you going to say something? You’re the one that brought me here.” I say dryly.
She looks to me bashfully. “I never thought through on what to say exactly.” She admits.
I sigh and turn back to her. “You’re still my pokepokepuu I see.” I joke.
She smiles and I feel my mouth forming into one itself. Her hand leaves her lap and goes on top of my hand and I feel that same tingle when she put the note into my palm in the hall. Her fingers slip through mine and I close my hand with her fingers wrapped around the back of my palm. Her skin is so smooth and her touch is gentle.
Holding her hand, I never realized how much I miss her. I watch her face make various expressions as she thinks on what to say. This isn’t exactly easy to talk about. Our problem isn’t something you take lightly. And things only seem to get harder and harder and I can’t stand that. I’m OK with suffering, but I’m not OK with it when I see her have to suffer too.
“Reina, I…” she takes a moment to figure out how to say whatever she has on her mind. “I hate this so much!”
Her eyes shine from the tears that are collecting, rapidly. It kills me inside to see her like this. And there’s nothing I can do about. Hell, there isn’t even much I can do about my own situation! I feel weak, weak and useless. She takes a deep breath to control herself.
“Why can’t they…I just want to be happy! And being with you makes me happy. Why can’t they see that?!”
I don’t know what to say so I do the only thing I can think of, I hug her. The second I do, she cries onto my shoulder. Her arms wrap so tightly around my back I cringe in pain. She’s afraid to let me go and I am too. I’m really afraid. I’m just better at hiding it.
I would never want her to see me like this anyway. She needs me. Her hot tears seep through my shirt and I never lose my hold on her. I know we will have to leave, but that can come later. I’m going to take in this moment.
I get to have her finally in my arms again, but I didn’t want to hold her like this. I didn’t want to hold her because she’s about to break apart from all the stress.
“I still love you.” She whispers into my ear.
I move back a little so I can look her in the eyes and stroke her face. I smile faintly at her.
“I still love you too, more than anything.” I repeat.
And after that my brain stops working and my instincts take in. I don’t give a damn if this is forbidden to my parents or hers. This feels rights to us and that’s what matters! So I kiss her. She doesn’t kiss me back right away, but I stay there and don’t back off until she kisses me back.
She’s calmer and I feel her lips move to kiss me in return. The kiss is very soft. Her hand leaves the bench and goes onto my lap. I put a hand on her neck to bring her closer and we kiss more intensely. She licks at my bottom lip, asking for entrance and I so happily agree. Her tongue runs over mine and I flick my tongue over hers to fight for control.
She moans and I exhale, heavily. I forgot how much I loved this. Her kisses, her still soft touch that leaves me yearning for more. She moans again when my hand touches her stomach and she pulls away out of breath. I don’t stop holding her though.
I wish we could stay like this forever. A sad look comes on to her face and I know what that means. It’s better that we don’t say anything though. We don’t need to say goodbye. I refuse to believe this is a final goodbye. I still have hope even if it’s broken and tiny. I look to my hands and sigh.
“I guess we…have to go now.” I mumble.
“I’m sorry.” She cries.
I look into her eyes and shake my head.
“Don’t ever be sorry. This is just how things turned out. Being with you even if it’s against my parents’ wishes is never a mistake to me. It feels so right.” I correct.
She gives me a faint smile and I hug her firmly.
“Will we ever be able to fix this?” She questions.
“Yes.” I lie.
She doesn’t have to know I’m lying though. I’m only doing this to help her keep hope. I know though that nothing can be fixed. It’ll take years for our parents to come to. It might not even happen, but I haven’t considered that.
I’ve made up a plan all in my head. It’s what I’ve been doing most of my time when I should be sleeping. We can run away and live somewhere happy, somewhere we can be ourselves. Where our parents won’t destroy everything. Those are my plans and ideas.
I know they’re more like fantasies, but that’s OK. Those thoughts keep me sane. They keep me strong and going. Just like I know I’m her strength to keep her from falling down. Because once she falls she might not be able to come back up.
“You’re all I want Eri. No one can ever stop me from that. They can try, but I’ll break their legs with a crowbar if they do.”
She gives out a little laugh. I brush away her falling tears and give her a small kiss on the cheek. She grabs her backpack and we stand up from the bench. She better go soon. Her parents will start to worry. Then she’ll get into even bigger trouble.
I hold her hand and walk her out of the park. Our lock breaks once we’re onto the sidewalk and we slowly walk our separate ways. I wave at her one last time then walk down my block never looking back. If I look back, I know I will never get home on time. When I do get home I say a quick hello to my parents and go straight to my room.
I don’t come down for dinner either. I haven’t been eating a lot to be honest. My mom a few times tried to get me to come down by telling me she’s cooking beef stew or something with meat in it, but I would always say I’m not hungry, even if I was hungry! I just couldn’t face them. I couldn’t sit at the kitchen table and see their filthy faces.
It angers me to see how they act like what they did was normal or as if it wasn’t wrong. When in reality, it’s all wrong! It isn’t right. They’re too stubborn to try and see things my way. They give me petite excuses like “Being with a girl is wrong.”
Or “Girls are supposed to date boys so they can have children.” And that’s all bullshit. Every word that comes out of there is bullshit now. I’ve come to those terms about them. So I don’t bother having a conversation with them.
I can’t stand them. I know I shouldn’t say I hate my parents, but a large part of me does. I hate them so much. I can’t describe it enough. Yes, they’re still my parents, but for once I’m standing up for something I believe in and I’m not going to let that go.
No matter how much they want me to. Nothing they do or say can stop me from loving Eri. My love will never go away. They better come to their senses and accept it! I did my homework and went to bed when it’s done.
I have nothing better to do so, sleeping is all I do most of my time. I sleep a lot because in my dreams I can picture Eri and how happy and perfect our life is. In my dreams, it’s OK to be together and we get to hold hands, kiss, hug. We get to do everything a normal couple can. But most importantly- we’re both happy.
Both of us don’t have a single tear on our faces and our eyes are filled with such life and excitement. We aren’t suffering and instead of trying to find ways to forget or pretend. We can live carefree.
***
I woke up late that night to the sound of my phone ringing. I forgot to turn that damn thing off again. I open my sleepy eyes and look to the glowing cell phone on my nightstand. Lazily, I reach out to take it and glance at the screen for a second. It’s Eri.
Quickly, I flip it open not wasting anytime to answer. Now I’m glad I didn’t turn it off. Why would she call me this late? She shouldn’t even be calling.
“Hello?” I mumble.
“Reina?”
There’s sniffling on her end. I sit up straight in bed, completely awake and alert. Is she crying?!
“Eri, what’s wrong?!” I frantically question.
I run a hand through my thick brown hair. My nerves getting the best of me. My mind rapidly starts thinking for the worse. She isn’t going to kill herself is she?! God, I hope not!
She’s stronger than that! She softly starts crying and I wait for her to speak as I feel myself begin to panic. My stomach feels tight.
“I’m sorry for calling you this late, but I…I just had to hear your voice.” She apologizes.
“Don’t be silly. You know I would never get mad at you. Now, tell me what’s going on, Eri.” I reply.
She sniffles a few more times and she draws out a shaky breath. This isn’t making me feel any better. I’m starting to freak. What is going on?!
“Eri?” I ask.
“I’m going to move, Reina.” She says in such a low voice, I almost didn’t hear it.
And I kind of wish I didn’t hear her. My heart feels like it’s being torn into piece and set into flames. Tell me I’m hearing things. That she’s just messing with me and this is some really horrible and fucked up joke. I would believe that more than what she’s telling me right now.
My brain over runs with questions and I blank out. I must have been like that for a long time, because then I hear Eri yelling my name and telling me she’s sorry and begging me to not get angry with her.
“Reina?! Reina don’t hate me, please don’t hate me?!” She begs.
“W-when are you…moving?” I croak.
I can’t even say the word. It’s like my worse nightmare coming true. Those shitface of a parent must like to see us in agony. They just have to have things their way!
“We’re not sure, but we might leave Japan or go to another city that’s far away from Tokyo.” She answers.
Those sons of a bitch! I know why they’re doing this. They’re trying to break us apart completely. They know we still see each other and that Eri still loves me. What are they doing?! They think by moving her away from me it will change everything? Well they have everything all mixed up.
“When are you leaving?” I stutter.
“We’re going to live with my grandma in Osaka for a little while until we’re sure where to go. And we’re…we’ll leave tomorrow morning.”
Tomorrow morning?! That’s too sudden! I don’t have enough time to say goodbye! Knowing them, they wouldn’t let us say our goodbyes anyways. They just want to get her away from me as soon as possible. Tears silently drip down my cheeks. It isn’t fair damn it!
“I’ll be right there.” I announce.
“Huh, what?”
I hang up before she can ask any more questions. I jump out of bed and quickly select an outfit. I don’t want to waste time. So the first thing I grab I put on and pat down my messy hair the best I can. I don’t spend too much time on my looks and I race downstairs.
I’m careful to not wake my parents and I go out the door straight to Eri’s house. I don’t care about the looks I get from the people I pass or the things they say to me as I accidentally bump into them. All I care about is Eri. She lives eight blocks away from me, but that doesn’t stop me from running at full speed. I’m running so fast I’m starting to sweat.
I can feel a bead of sweat trickling down my forehead slowly, but I don’t stop to wipe it. I don’t slow down either. I’m not that good of a runner and I hate getting myself covered in sweat, but I think I can let things slide for now. I have to hurry. I have to do this so I can reach Eri in time. I run around her house so that I’m under her window and pick up several pebbles from the dirt.
I throw a couple of them into the glass and some of them miss the window. I pick up another pebble and fling it as hard as I can to the window and it taps the glass kind of loud. A light flickers on and the window is pulled up. Eri looks down. I wave at her, still trying to catch my breath from running so hard.
“What are you doing here?” she whispers.
In the moonlight, I can see her eyes are still red and puffy and her nose is red too from all her crying.
“Can I come in?” I ask.
She doesn’t hesitate to answer. “Meet me in the front. Be quiet, my parents are sleeping.” She warns me.
She closes the window and leaves. I run to the front of the house quickly, waiting for her. I don’t have to wait long because she doesn’t waste any time either to get to the door and quietly opens it. I sneak inside and she closes the door then leads me to her room. She sits on her bed and I close the door then join her. I put a hand on her thigh to get her attention.
“When did you find out you’re moving?”
“Hours ago, but I didn’t want to call you until my parents fell asleep. They just went to bed ten minutes ago.” She starts crying again and I hold her “They said moving would help me get ‘better.’ They make it sound like I’m sick! Like I have some disease! And they blamed everything on you. They told me this is a phase and I don’t know what I want. I’m not confused! And for once in my life I KNOW what I want. It’s you.”
They really can’t live with this can they? They think having her this way is shameful? They can’t hide or change who she is! This isn’t going to help. This is going to break her. They’re too stupid to see that though. They make me sick. If I could kill them without getting into trouble I would slaughter them both right now.
“Eri, it’s ok. We’ll be ok.”
I hold her until I feel her stop shaking. She looks at me and I’m not sure what she’s going to do or say. It seems the deeper our problems get, I become unsure more and more about everything.
“Promise me, you’ll wait for me?” She begs, “When I’m of age I’ll leave and I’ll look for you. But I need you to hold on to the feelings you have for me ok? Don’t give anyone else your heart.”
“Eri, you already have my heart even if I gave it to you or not. I’m yours forever.” I vow
She holds my hand and brings me closer.
“Also, I…I want you to know,”
“I already know Eri. Stop talking like this is the end for us.” I interrupt
She frowns.
“Because it IS the end, Reina! Can’t you see? Can’t you see that I won’t be able to see you for years?! For YEARS! How can you think it’s not?!” For once she’s angry. She’s both angry and hurt. I don’t know if she’s angry with me or with the situation that’s going on. Probably both.
I grab both of her wrists and get her to calm down. She looks shocked by my sudden action. I hold on to her arms roughly, my eyes start to water. I can’t cry. Now’s not the time to cry. Not while I’m in front of her.
I’m worried on what I might say to her, but I don’t have control of my mouth anymore. I tell her everything I’ve been holding in for a long time.
“How can you think I’m ok with it?! Don’t you see how much I’m trying to keep everything together? While you cry I stay strong for you. I don’t dare to cry in front of you because I know you need me! So don’t you dare say I don’t care because I DO care, Eri. I care so damn much it feels like everything inside of me is shutting down. You’re ALL I care about, ok? And I refuse to think this is it. It’ll never be the end! This is just another problem we have to get through. Another of their stupid little test they think we can’t handle, but they’re wrong! I don’t care how long you’ll be gone, because I’ll wait for you, even if I have to wait a hundred years. I’ll NEVER stop loving you!”
She jerks her wrists out of my hands and cries hysterically against my chest. I hold her like I always do, but the only difference is. I allow myself to cry too. I finally let her see me cry. And it feels so good to let them out.
It feels like all this weight is being lifted off my chest. It brings some sort of relief. She sits up straight and she has this strange glow in her eyes. They’re darker than usual and glossed over with this looming sadness, but there’s something else behind them. I can’t quite tell what it is. She goes in and kisses me, but I don’t push her away. She knows I would never do that. She’s my weakness.
She always has been. We kiss more passionately and her tears mix with mine the moment our cheeks touch. All our emotions pour into this single kiss. It’s a collision of emotions. I thrust my tongue into her mouth and she welcomes it by brushing her tongue into my mouth.
I place my hands around her waist. Her hands grab at the hem of my shirt and start to pull it up. I push it back down and end our kiss.
“Eri, I don’t think this is a good idea. Your parents can hear us.” I remind her
She pleads at me with her eyes and I feel myself starting to give in. Her eyes always did captivate me. She can easily win my heart over with that look.
“Please? I…just for tonight, Reina?”
I nod, giving in like I knew I would. She kisses me again, but briefly and starts to kiss my neck a few times. I sigh and hold on to her as she works her way down my body. She lifts up my shirt and puts small kisses onto my stomach.
I moan out lowly, still aware that we have to be quiet. She dips the tip of her tongue into my belly button and I bite my fist to keep quiet again. My other hand goes to the back of her head stroking her hair. She pulls my shirt off completely and I lift my arms to let the shirt pass. She throws it off to the side and I help unbutton my pants.
She takes those off too in a flash and I shiver from the cold breeze coming from the small crack in her window. She kisses me shoulder tenderly then kisses me again, but like the one before. It’s quick. She pushes me onto the bed so she can be on top of me and I put my hands around her waist. I’ll let her be in charge for now. She has my hands above my head and loops her fingers through them.
She goes down and kisses my forehead. She lets go of my hands and pulls down the straps to my bra.
“I love you.” She says.
I smile at her. She knows I love her too, with all my heart. Without words we learned to understand each other. She unhooks my bra and pulls it off me then throws it across her room too. I would do anything for her. She’s my world.
She gets my underwear off next and I’m completely exposed for her to see. I’m a little shy about it and seeing the hungry look in her eyes makes me blush more, but it doesn’t last for long.
“You still have your clothes on.” I whine.
She smirks at me and starts to take her shirt off. I stop her and pull the shirt off myself. I want to do this. It’ll be the last time I get to. I might as well make everything last.
This will be the last time we can be together like this and I’m going to relish every moment of it.
***
I was gone before the sun rose. I knew that I should have stayed, but I couldn’t risk her parents seeing us. It wouldn’t make things easier they see us naked in her bed. All hell would break loose. And I know when she wakes up she’ll be sad that I’m gone and not by her side, but I know she’ll understand why I left.
It wasn’t easy for me to leave her while she slept. It took a lot in me to decided on leave and then to actually do it took even more thought, to be honest. I never wanted to leave her side. I want to be with her longer, but there isn’t enough time. There never seems to be enough time for us.
I’ll keep my promise like I told her. I’ll never love another person and I’ll always keep my love for her strong and locked into my heart. She’s all I’ll ever want. I don’t care how far her dad moves her. Our love for each other will always last. What we have will always be forever.
Topic: Missing You[one-shot] (Tanakamei) (Read 7689 times)