Love x 2 (the entire series) [easy navigation on 1st page] Complete

[OTN1]

8.1 of 9 - So Right

As Aya was about to knock at Miki's dressing room at half past twelve on a late May day, she heard the girl's muffled talking.  She couldn't hear what was being said, but she considered not going in.  If Miki had someone over, she didn't want to interrupt.  However, curiosity got the better of her, so she knocked three times and waited.

The door swung open seconds later to reveal Miki still dressed in her dance practice clothes and holding a folder in one hand, her phone in the other.

Aya looked behind Miki and saw nobody.  She looked at the phone and then figured she must have been talking to someone on it.  She looked a little on edge.  Perhaps it was because of the suddenness with which she seemed to have ended her phone call.

"Hi.  Are you busy?" Aya asked, wondering if Miki had to call the person back right away.

"Uh, no.  I'm not.  Come in," Miki said, backing up, tossing the folder on a chair, and putting her phone down on the table in an effort to not look busy.

Aya walked in slowly and looked around just in case there really was someone else in there.  There was nobody.

"What's up?" Miki asked in a somewhat unnaturally loud voice.

"Nothing.  I just thought you might want to grab lunch at the convenience store with me," Aya offered tranquilly.

Miki's eyes wandered over to her folder, an action that Aya caught clearly.

"But if you're busy, don't worry.  I'll see you later," she added quickly with a smile.

"No, I'm not busy!" Miki exclaimed, waving her hands ridiculously and then grabbing Aya's sleeve to make sure she didn't leave.

She let go hastily when she realised she was acting strangely.

"Just sit and give me a minute to change."

Aya sat down in the chair and studied a take out menu for pizza that was on the table as Miki changed into her street clothes and touched up her eyeliner.

"Ready!" the freshly changed girl cried out, all signs of nervousness having left her voice, replaced by excitement.

Aya looked at her amusedly.

"I was thinking we could eat up on the eighth floor.  It's a clear day."

The eighth floor was often deserted at lunch time, and so it was one of their favourite retreats.  It offered a spacious lobby full of high quality couches and an incredible view of the skyline, all tucked away behind a series of hallways that few people bothered to go down.  On fine days, one could see far into the distance.

"Sounds good," Miki said, linking her arm around Aya's and pushing her out the door swiftly.

Aya laughed, and for their walk to the store, they goofed around like childhood friends that had known each other for twenty years.

[OTN1]

8.2

I get out of dance rehearsal at a quarter past twelve, and I rush to my dressing room to change.  I'm hungry enough to eat three cows, and I'm worked up from the amount of brain power I've had to use this morning.  Dancing while keeping spatial orientation in mind is tough!  I need to eat lunch and unwind.  There's nobody I like to unwind with more than Miki.  If she's free, we can go stock up on food at the convenience store and spend our break on the eighth floor, our favourite place to hang out.

Once I'm done getting ready (even for a quick run to the convenience store, an idol has to look her best), I hurry down a floor to her dressing room.  I pass by Ogawa and Niigaki, and we wave hello to each other.

As I approach the door, I hear talking.  I can't hear what's being said, but it sounds rather important.  I slow down a bit and consider leaving and coming back later, or maybe just going to the store alone.  I don't want to disturb Miki if she's busy.  I understand that the kind of work we do doesn't leave us with much time to spend freely.

But I really want us to eat lunch together.  We've been so busy that we haven't been able to hang out much.  I can try knocking at the door, and if she's really busy, I'll at least get to see her for thirty seconds.

With a little reluctance, I knock three times on the door.  The talking stops and footsteps come my way.  Miki swings the door open.  She's holding a folder full of papers in one hand and her cell phone in the other.  She must have been talking about work to someone on the phone.  She ended the conversation pretty quickly, though, which makes me think she needs to call him or her back.  Either that, or somebody's in her room with her.

"Hi.  Are you busy?" I ask, although it's pretty obvious she is.

I feel bad for having interrupted.

"Uh, no.  I'm not.  Come in," Miki says nervously.

She backs up to give me room to walk in, and she tosses her things aside as if they're not the least bit important.  It looks like she's actively trying to look free when she's truly not.  She could be being polite, not wanting to send me off after I've made an effort to come and see her.  I question whether or not to enter, but of course my own selfish desires mute any other reasonable thinking, and I enter her dressing room.

I look around briefly to confirm that there's nobody in there.  Not a soul is in sight.

"What's up?" Miki asks loudly, as if she wants the people next door to hear her.

She's acting awfully suspiciously.  Maybe she was doing something questionable, although I can't imagine what.  Drug dealing and prostitution are out of the question.  I laugh at the thought of Miki snorting coke or trying to collect a fee for sleeping with someone.  Those things are so not her.  Maybe she was scheming with a friend.  Maybe they're going to play a prank or throw a wild party.  Something not illegal, but perhaps disagreeable to the authorities that govern us in this business.

But I have to stop thinking about that and answer the question she's asked.

"Nothing," I say in a peaceful way, perhaps to help her calm down.  "I just thought you might want to grab lunch at the convenience store with me."

She looks surreptitiously at her folder, but I notice it, and I know that I shouldn't be here bothering her.

"But if you're busy, don't worry," I say quickly.  "I'll see you later."

I add a smile to my words.  I don't want her to think I'm angry.  I really do want her to get her work done properly.

"No, I'm not busy!" she exclaims.

She waves her hands in a silly way and then grabs my shirt sleeve in order to keep me from leaving.  I've come to expect odd behaviour from Miki when she's around me.  I'm used to it, but still, she's such a strange one that I must give her some kind of amused look.  She lets go and looks embarrassed.

"Just sit and give me a minute to change," she says as she moves off to find her street clothes.

I stifle a laugh and I sit down in a chair.  There's a take out pizza menu on the table, so I pick it up and read it.  I can hear Miki flinging clothes around wildly as she gets ready in her speedy way, but I don't look up.  I tell myself it's because I'd probably burst out laughing at the rushed look on her face.  But maybe that isn't the whole truth.

Oh look! I think, latching my eyes onto a picture on the menu.  Shrimp pizza.  Looks good.  Please, shrimp pizza.  Distract me for a few more seconds.  Distract me with your yummy shrimpy cheesiness until Miki is-

"Ready!" she cries out.

All signs of nervousness have left her voice and have been replaced by excitement.

I chuckle as I put the menu back down on the table and finally look up.  Only food can get Miki this happy and enthusiastic.

This girl is destined to marry a chef or the owner of a restaurant, I think to myself.

I can just imagine the wedding.  The banquet afterwards would probably be the most scrumptious meal I ever ate in my life.  There Miki would be with her new husband, who would keep her well-fed for life.  There her parents would be.  Her father would be glaring at the man, watching his every move and waiting for an excuse to come down hard on him.  Her mother would be swooning, all excited about her daughter's happiness. 

I'd be right beside Mr. Fujimoto, glaring at the new addition to the family.  Tempt my Miki away with food?  I don't think so.  When they coined the saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach", they left out one important thing, and that's all mention of Miki.  "A man's heart and Miki's heart", it should be.

I've always found that saying to be treacherous.  As if you need to trick someone into loving you by feeding him.  Well, if some chef tricked Miki into loving him because he could cook well, I'd certainly have something to say about it.  If they had a Western-style wedding, right at the "is there anyone who opposes this marriage?" part, I'd jump up and declare war on the groom, claiming he didn't really love her, pulling Miki aside and imploring her to stop the silly shenanigan that was just a marriage of convenience and not love.

Sheesh, I'm starting to sound like Miki when she gets all protective and jealous of me.  Her ways are rubbing off on me far too much.

"I was thinking we could eat up on the eighth floor.  It's a clear day," I suggest.

We've got such a nice view from there.  I love it when we're all alone and just hanging out there.  Maybe eating lunch or even just sitting on the comfortable couches and chairs that are set up near the window.  I love the silences that settle over us like warm blankets.  It seems even cosier when there's a storm outside.  We can sit and watch the lightening and the rain, listen to the thunder, and be dry and at peace together.

Am I cheesy?  Am I as cheesy as that pizza I was just reading about?  Maybe I'm even worse.  But why can't I enjoy those moments?  They make me feel crazily good.

"Sounds good," Miki says in reply to my question.

She links her arm around mine unexpectedly and pushes me out the door.  I feel her elbow poke into my ribs, and I wonder what this feeling inside me that wells up is.

Probably just hunger, right?

I laugh it off and we skip down to the street level to go and find some food to bring up to our secret, eighth floor refuge.

[OTN1]

8.3

It's been eight days since I decided to do something about Aya.  I've tried to think of all sorts of ways to confess my feelings, but none of them are good.  All my scenarios end in disasters, and all my speeches sound so stupid that I'd rather share a broccoli milkshake with Tachibana the Terrible.

Every minute of every day is devoted to figuring out my situation and formulating a plan.  I'm all right at multitasking, so the girls don't notice me not truly paying attention to them when we're around each other at the studio or at performance venues, but it doesn't mean I'm at peace.  My mind doesn't stop.  Only for about six or seven hours each night does it stop thinking about Aya, and that's because I'm asleep.  Even then, however, I have dreams, many of them based on the things I think about during the day, the main thing being Aya.  It's terrible and yet nice at the same time.

It's late May, and I'm sitting in my dressing room after a strenuous dance rehearsal.  I've declined offers from Yocchan and Takahashi to go and get lunch together because I need to sit and think.  I've been doing this every break I have had.  Sitting and thinking and plotting.

I have a folder full of magazine cut-outs.  I can't believe I've stooped so low, but the sad reality of it lies between those two blue pieces of bound plastic.  The magazine cut-outs are from advice columns and articles about love and relationships.  Readers writing in and asking for advice on how to confess their love to the people they want.  I've been reading them to get ideas, but none of the advice given is any good.  None of it is my style. 

"Write a letter to him and share with him honestly how you feel," writes one advisor.

"Seduce him with sexy lingerie and wine" writes another advisor from a more risky magazine.

I'm into honesty and wine, but the first one is too Care Bear, and the second one is too ridiculously unbelievable.  Nobody really falls for that.  Not in a long-term way.  It's too superficial for what I feel.  Moreover, Aya's certainly not going to fall for it.  She's not even into me.

So why am I sitting here thinking about what to do when I know it's a lost cause?

Simple.  Because I'm pathetic.

I laugh out loud.  I'm so silly.  Here I am feeling this incredible angst over my situation that nobody else has a clue about.  It's funny because nobody would suspect me of thinking about these things.  Maybe they don't even think I'm capable of thoughts like these.  Little Kamei and Shige and Niigaki all think I'm so cool.  So tough and balanced, not a care in the world.  Nothing can take me down.  I'm invincible.  They bow down in fearful awe of me.

What would they think if they could see me now with a pathetic pile of magazine cut-outs from even more pathetic readers who can't think for themselves, looking for an answer that I know I'm not going to find yet keep searching for anyway?

They'd laugh, think I was someone impersonating the Fujimoto they know, and walk off quickly before the real me got back and went all violent on the impostor.

"Dear Aya," I say aloud to nobody.  "This is a letter for you.  Please listen to my thoughts.  I like you a lot!!  Have a nice day!"

I smash my face into my hands.

"Nooo," I groan.

That would be the worst letter ever written.  A first year elementary school student could do better than that.

I take out my phone and find a picture of the two of us.  We're making silly faces at the camera, our cheeks mashed together in an endearing way.  You can see my arm stretched in front of me and going out of the shot, signalling that I'm the one holding the phone.

We look happy.  We look like we fit together.  Why can't she just see that and come to me?  She's got magnificent ways of saying things.  So eloquent.  So right.  If I heard her say to me first that I was the most important person to her, I'd rest assured that she was being honest and not speaking under duress or out of an awkward sense of obligation.  That would give me the confidence to say, "I feel that, too, about you."

"Listen.  I really like you a lot.  Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way," I say, improvising my speech as I address the picture of us.  "Do you like me?  You do things that make me think you might.  I-"

Three knocks at my door interrupt my monologue.  I flush red with embarrassment and pray that I haven't been heard speaking out loud to myself.  Still holding the folder and phone, I go and open my door, ready to go back into my cool and collected mode.  I feel a wave of terror pass through me when I see Aya on the other side of the door.  That's not how I usually feel when I see her, but the fact that I've been speaking my confession out loud to a photo just might have something to do with it.  Just might.

She looks at my folder and my phone, and my guard snaps up.  I don't want her asking about what's in the folder.  It's far too embarrassing.  My phone.  My saviour!  Maybe she'll think I was talking on my phone.  I clutch it a little more tightly and hope that she comes to that conclusion.

"Hi.  Are you busy?" she asks.

She sounds a bit eager.  I know she wants me to say "no".  I've learned how to decipher her way of emoting.  It's like a code.  A special Aya code that I've cracked.  Some things, however, still remain a mystery.  I don't know how to measure the intensity of her eagerness, or what kind of eagerness it is.  Eagerness to bother me?  Eagerness to get an opinion from me?  Eagerness to just see me?

"Uh, no.  I'm not.  Come in," I say.

I want to look convincing, so I throw the folder and phone off to the side, backing up to give her room to walk in.  I want to appear completely free and available, because that's what I am.  I'm desperate to do something other than sit around talking to myself (or pictures).

Aya walks in slowly and looks around.  Maybe she thinks somebody's in here, but when she sees nobody, I hope she assumes I was on the phone.

"What's up?" I ask loudly, trying to distract her from any suspicious thoughts she might be having.  I don't want her thinking I'm crazier than she already thinks I am.

"Nothing.  I just thought you might want to grab lunch at the convenience store with me."

She speaks in a calm manner.  She can probably tell I'm a bit nervous and she's doing her best to calm me down without even knowing the circumstances.  That's the sign of a true friend.

I can't help myself, and I look over at my folder.  I hope she doesn't ask what's in it.  That would mean the end of the world.  I'd have to move, change my name, and cut off all ties with my family if that folder were to ever be discovered in my possession.

Or maybe that's an exaggeration.  Needless to say, I'd be highly humiliated.

I'm yanked out of my fantasies about entering a witness protection program by Aya saying, "But if you're busy, don't worry.  I'll see you later."

Oh my god, she's probably noticed I'm looking at the folder.  I don't want her to leave.  I just don't want her to see my magazine articles.  I swear right then and there to throw them all out once lunch is over.

"No, I'm not busy!" I exclaim.

I advance forward and grab Aya's sleeve without thinking.  Her smile increases in amusement factor, and I realise I'm being bizarre.  I let go of her clothing and back up a bit.

"Just sit and give me a minute to change."

She follows my instructions and sits down.  Now I just have to change my clothes and we can get out of there.

"Seduce him with sexy lingerie and wine"

The written words of the advice columnist run through my head.

I'm not wearing sexy lingerie right now, but if she waits for a minute, I can go and grab a bottle of wine...

I look over at her, but she's reading a flyer that I accidentally brought over with me this morning.  It slipped into my bag along with some important papers I had to bring.

Great.  Pizza is more interesting than me.  I don't know what I was expecting, though.  Why would she want to look at me anyway?  So much for that stupid columnist's advice.  Even if I was wearing the nicest clothing I owned, she wouldn't be paying attention to me.  See?  Trash.  All of those magazine articles.  Pure trash.

I rush to get ready, all shyness gone and replaced by a general feeling of "ug".  I could start line dancing in my spot and she wouldn't notice because she's so absorbed in - I squint to see what picture she's looking at - shrimp pizza.

Shrimp: 1.
Miki: 0.

But maybe she's keeping her eyes averted because she somehow feels embarrassed.  Maybe she's actively trying not to look at me.  That would be nice.  My little Aya trying not to be creepy.  I like that.  I prefer this way of thinking over any other.

My confidence shoots up a bit as I fool myself into believing this, and I become excited.  We're going to eat lunch.  Food is fun.  Food is half of my life.  Food with Aya is even better because she's the other half of my life.  She just doesn't know that.

Yet.

"Ready!" I cheer.

Aya looks up at me from the picture of Pizza-La's shrimp special and she looks entertained by the sight of me.

"I was thinking we could eat up on the eighth floor.  It's a clear day," she suggests.

I love you! I think dorkily.

That's our special hangout place where nobody else goes.  It's quiet up there and it's often just the two of us lounging around, talking, reading, or just staring at the scenery of the capital.  When we go there, I feel like the rest of the world ceases to exist.  All the encumbrances of daily life are forgotten, and we are in our own little world.  It's one of my favourite things to do with Aya.

"Sounds good," I say happily.

I link my arm around hers without a single hesitation, and as she laughs, I cheerfully lead us to the elevator so that we can go down to the ground floor to buy lunch.  Days like this are the kind that remind me the world is perfect and that me and Aya... we're so right for each other.

[OTN1]

8.2 + ½:  The Alternate Alternate Version

Once I'm done getting ready (even for a quick run to the convenience store, an idol has to look her best), I hurry down a floor to her dressing room.  I pass by Ogawa and Niigaki, and we wave hello to each other.

As I approach the door, I hear talking.  I can't hear what's being said, but it sounds rather important.  I slow down a bit and consider leaving and coming back later, or maybe just going to the store alone.  I don't want to disturb Miki if she's busy.  I understand that the kind of work we do doesn't leave us with much time to spend freely.

But I really want us to eat lunch together.  We've been so busy that we haven't been able to hang out much.  I can try knocking at the door, and if she's really busy, I'll at least get to see her for thirty seconds.

I get closer to the door, and a naughty thought strikes me.  I edge towards the door quietly, ready to put my ear against it to listen in on Miki's conversation.

"No!" cries the little angel on my right shoulder.  She's the spitting image of me, but pure goodness incarnate.  "Don't do it.  You'll feel bad, and it's not right.  It's impolite."

"Do it!" sneers the little devil on my left shoulder.  She's the spitting image of me, but pure evil incarnate.  "She'll never find out, and it's not like you've never eavesdropped on people before.  Everyone does it."

The two figures do battle, and I shove them both aside.  Screw goodness.  This is Miki.  As if she'd feel any remorse doing what I'm about to do.

I put my ear to the door and listen.

"Dear Aya," says Miki.

For a second I panic and think that she's discovered me.  My racing heart slows down, though, because there's no way she could know I'm here. 

"This is a letter for you," she continues.  "Please listen to my thoughts."

She's written a letter for me?  And she's reading it out loud in a silly voice?  Miki's so strange!

"I like you a lot!!  Have a nice day!"

I stand there a little befuddled.  She likes me a lot?  What kind of letter is that?  She can just tell me that in person.  It's not like she hasn't before.

"Nooo," I hear her groan, and I frown.

What is she doing?  Is she drunk?  It's not even one in the afternoon yet.

"Listen," she starts up again.

Maybe the letter isn't finished.  I listen.

"I really like you a lot.  Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way."

That's when my heart starts to race and a thousand words and questions go through my head.

Is she saying what I think she's saying?  Is she confessing some sort of strange love for me?  Out loud to herself?  Is she practicing?  Or is it just a joke?  And would she freak out if I said "yes", or would she actually be happy?

"Do you like me?" she continues, unaware of my presence.  "You do things that make me think you might.  I want to hear it from you.  When you touch my hand, what do you feel?  Do you feel excited like I do?  Do you have daydreams about me like I do about you?  Am I on your mind all the time like you're on mine?"

I've never heard Miki speak in such an embarrassingly mushy way before.  She's never expressed these things about anyone, not even guys she's dated while I've known her.  I've always been under the impression that Miki shares everything with me, but she's never shared these feelings with me.  Of course, I understand she wouldn't want to say anything to me because these thoughts are about me, but still.  It's a big surprise.  It's almost as if I had thought all along that she wasn't capable of being so gushy about love.  I know she's capable of love, and I've always known that she's a sentimental, soft person, but not to this extent.  Especially not about me.  It's no secret that she loves me.  I love my friends, too.  But like this?  This is more like being in love with someone, which is a whole separate category from just loving someone.  Definitely not a friendly love.

That's not the only surprise that I face.  Some sort of massive wall of ice that has been surrounding my heart for the past while begins to melt.  I didn't even know it was there until now.  It quickly vanishes, and warmth floods my entire body as I realise what I've been missing all along.  It has taken an immoral act to make me see that the reason I've been so riled up, nervous, and distracted is because of the girl inside this room.  Somehow, somewhere along the path of life, my best friend has become more than a best friend, and I haven't even noticed it. 

No, that's a lie.  A damned lie.  And I know it because I've been repeating it to myself for months even though I've known deep down inside that it's a lie.  I did notice long ago.  I was just terrified.

Well, not anymore.  If Miki has the courage to admit those things to herself, and I have the courage to finally start breaking down the barrier of lies that I've created to block her from getting closer to me, then I think I can stop being afraid, walk in there, and let her know what's on my mind.

I do feel a bit guilty because I'm standing here with my ear pressed up to the door, hearing Miki's intimate thoughts when I don't have permission.  I figure, though, if I say things that I know will make her happy, she'll forget about my little indiscretion.

There's only one way to do this.

I put my hand on the doorknob and gently twist it, opening the door silently.  I poke my head in and see Miki holding her cell phone high up in front of her face, staring at it while continuing to mumble her words.  Her back is turned to me, so she hasn't noticed the door open.  I walk in, shutting the door just as silently as I opened it, and I approach her.

Her sixth sense flares up, and she must sense a change in the atmosphere because she stops talking and starts to turn around.  She catches sight of me just as I'm at an arm's length away, and for a second, I can read her expression perfectly.  She's too shocked to say anything, dismayed that I've heard everything.  Her face changes, and she looks like she's about to cry, which catches me off guard.  I suppress my surprise, though, and I reach out my hands and put them on her shoulders, drawing her into a wordless hug.

She doesn't return my hug in any way.  She must be wondering what I'm doing.  Or maybe she's wondering how many seconds it's going to take for me to start badmouthing her and telling her to forget it, there's no chance, and so on.

I have no intention of doing what she's thinking.  Instead, I raise my head a bit to her ear and say quietly,

"Yeah.  Me too."

When I feel her hands on my back returning my hug, I know that everything has changed from this moment on.

[OTN1]

8.3 + ½:  The Alternate Alternate Version

"Dear Aya," I say aloud to nobody.  "This is a letter for you.  Please listen to my thoughts.  I like you a lot!!  Have a nice day!"

I smash my face into my hands.

"Nooo," I groan.

That would be the worst letter ever written.  A first year elementary school student could do better than that.

I take out my phone and find a picture of the two of us.  We're making silly faces at the camera, our cheeks mashed together in an endearing way.  You can see my arm stretched in front of me and going out of the shot, signalling that I'm the one holding the phone.

We look happy.  We look like we fit together.  Why can't she just see that and come to me?  She's got magnificent ways of saying things.  So eloquent.  So right.  If I heard her say to me first that I was the most important person to her, I'd rest assured that she was being honest and not speaking under duress or out of an awkward sense of obligation.  That would give me the confidence to say, "I feel that, too, about you."

"Listen.  I really like you a lot.  Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way," I say, improvising my speech as I address the picture of us.  "Do you like me?  You do things that make me think you might.  I want to hear it from you.  When you touch my hand, what do you feel?  Do you feel excited like I do?  Do you have daydreams about me like I do about you?  Am I on your mind all the time like you're on mine?"

I pause and turn to face the window.  The blinds are shut, but I can still tell it's a sunny day outside.

"I don't know how long I've felt like this.  It seems like forever.  I know it hasn't been that long.  I mean, it's not like the second I met you, I felt these things.  But I think I always knew that you had the potential to become the most important thing to me.  I really, really hope I'm that important to you.  If not, then I guess you can say goodbye to me and never talk to me again.  It'll probably creep you out to hang around me after hearing something like this from me.  I think-"

I suddenly stop because I feel like something has changed in the room.  The air feels different.  I turn around slowly, afraid of what I might see.  A monster?  A ghost?

What I see is more terrifying than any ghoul a horror film can offer.

It's Aya.  She's about an arm's length away from me, and she's looking at me with this intense gaze.  I think she's heard everything I've just said.

I want to die, and this time I'm not exaggerating.  I really don't want to go on living like this, facing embarrassment every time I see her from now on.  Remembering how I stupidly believed I could get a bit of privacy in my own dressing room.  Repeating the words of rejection that she's going to sing to me any minute now.

She reaches out and puts her hands on my shoulders, and I know that the end is coming.  She's going to let me down gently, but firmly.  She's going to make it clear that she harbours no such feelings towards me and that I should forget about anything between us ever happening.  It's just a joke when we say it on television.  It's just something to shock the fans and make them watch our shows.

Then she hugs me.  She actually hugs me.  It's not exactly what I imagine a speech of absolute rejection to start out with, but she has her own ways.

I don't bother to hug back.  How can I?  I just want to cry.

She doesn't say anything for some time.  She just hugs me lightly.  Why does she have to drag this out longer than it has to be?  Just say it.  Something akin to "in your dreams, Fujimoto", and I'll get the picture.

Instead, she lifts her head slowly to my ear.

She says very quietly, "Yeah.  Me too."

It sinks in slowly.  The words permeate every layer of my mind.

And for once, I don't analyse.  I just accept.  I haven't coerced her into anything.  She's heard my thoughts on her own and now she's making hers clear.

I reach up carefully and put my hands on her back, hugging her.

From this moment on, everything's going to be very different.

[OTN1]

The format of this story changes from this point on so that it can flow into the next story.

9 of 9 - I Dream of You

It all started with a kiss.  On television, that is.  We were watching a movie together at her house, and the hero and heroine had just survived a terrifying ordeal.  They'd been hinting at their feelings for some time, but right after almost losing their lives, they collapsed into each other's arms, and the usual passion ensued.  So mushy it was soggy, so embarrassing it made me want to hit myself.

I saw Aya sigh, and I could almost see the fluttering hearts in her eyes.  I knew that she wanted some knight in shining armour to come along and sweep her off her feet, protect her from the cruelties of the world, and make her forget what time was.  That's why I had to keep quiet.

Almost since the first day of this stupid crush, I kept quiet because I knew that A, it was just that (stupid), and B, I wasn't that knight.  There was no way I could tell anyone, least of all her, anything.

The truth is that at first, I thought it was silly infatuation.  The usual idol worship.  I told myself that I really admired who she was and what she stood for because it's what I aspired to be and do.  I had myself convinced of this.  But the feelings wouldn't go away, and when I started having dreams, I officially panicked.

Most of the dreams took place in a cute and innocent world, and nothing terribly exciting happened.  We were just happy together, walking down a road, picking flowers, or eating ice cream.  Those dreams I could handle and looked forward to.

However, there were other dreams I had from time to time that were not innocent and cute.   They were, in a word, dangerous.  Steamy dreams that I'd wake up from covered in sweat, confused, and feeling like if I didn't find some sort of outlet for all my energy, I'd implode.  On those occasions, no matter what time it was and what the weather was like, I would get dressed, go outside, and run down the street until I was exhausted.  Then I'd run back home and be so beat that I'd collapse into bed and fall asleep right away.

But one time, I wasn't alone when I had one of those dreams. 

And it all started with that kiss on TV.

I watched her gush silently over the love struck characters and wished that she'd look at me like that.  All I could say to myself in comfort was that she never looked at Tachibana like that either.  Then in my mind, I started to construct an Indiana Jones-type fantasy where we just barely escaped with our lives, and I had to shake my head of my thoughts because the movie ended and she was asking me a question that I hadn't heard, yet was somehow answering.

She must have asked if I was tired.  It was early by our sleepover standards, but we had to work the next day.  Bedtime would be early.  We got up and got ready for bed as I tried to put those crazy thoughts out of my head.

Baths taken and pyjamas put on, we got under the covers, each of us laying claim to a side, and saying goodnight.  There would be no gossiping late into the night.  We had long days ahead of us.

Some time in the early morning, perhaps around half past three, I woke up with a wild start, my hands gripping the sheets tightly.  I'd just had the worst kind of dream I could have while on a sleepover with Aya.  It was intense.  The tension between us had been thick enough to see with the human eye, and we'd practically attacked each other before I woke up.  A dream about a mistakenly sent e-mail, a bottle of vodka, and complete lack of control was what made me wake up soaked with sweat, heart beating and brain racing.

I look around wildly and spotted Aya beside me sleeping peacefully.  My eyes bore a hole into her face, and I suddenly realised I had to get out of there before I did anything regrettable.

I slipped out of bed quickly and tiptoed out of the room, my hands shaking, my pyjamas sticking uncomfortably to my body.  I could hear the sounds of rain falling and strong winds blowing.  It was storming just like the weather forecast had predicted.

I had to fight every irresistible urge to jump back into bed and wake her up and do things I should not have.  Every urge.  It took all my effort. 

As I was leaving the room, I tripped over something on the ground, making a loud noise, and despite all my efforts to quietly regain my balance, my foot landed in a pile of CDs, which toppled over and made horrible squeaking and clinking sounds.

To my horror, Aya stirred in her sleep and her eyes started to open.  I dashed out of the bedroom, slamming the door shut and going to the living room.  I couldn't think.  I was confused.  I didn't know where I was.

I opened the window, and a blast of air hit my face, bringing stray raindrops in along with it.  The air was cool, and it chilled my sweat-soaked body, causing me to shiver out of more than just fear as my sweat began to freeze.

The door to the bedroom opened.  Eyes half shut and looking sleepy, Aya walked out.  She spotted me and headed straight towards me.

"What's the matter?  Are you sick?" she asked, no doubt noticing my face covered in sweat and my shivering.

I shook my head, willing her in my mind to leave me alone.

"I'm fine," I said lowly.

I leaned out the window, holding onto the ledge tightly.

"You're not fine," Aya said.

She was suddenly beside me, touching my shoulder to pull me back in.

"You're shivering."

I shrugged her hand off my shoulder violently and then looked at her.  She seemed hurt.  She couldn't understand that I couldn't bear to have her touching me.

"What's wrong?" she asked sadly.

"I had a nightmare," I lied.

She reached out again and took one of my sleeves.

"It's okay now.  You're awake.  It can't hurt you."

I shook my head.

"It can."

She didn't understand my answer, so she ignored it.

"Come on.  You're soaked.  You have to change or you'll catch a cold."

She pulled on my sleeve, and I let myself be dragged back.  She closed the window and then led me back to her room.  I stared at a spot on the wall as she looked for some extra pyjamas.  Finding some, she stretched her arm out to me and handed them over.

"Here.  Change," she commanded.

I took the clothes silently and was about to start to change when I noticed her just standing there.  I fixed her with an annoyed look.

"Do you have to watch?" I asked acerbically.

Aya stared at me for a moment through incredulous eyes and then turned on her heels.  She got back into bed and turned away, pulling the covers up over the back of her head.

She was pissed off at me.  I'd never get what I wanted.

I changed slowly, taking deep breaths to calm myself down.  I no longer wanted to jump her, but I had to either fall asleep within thirty seconds or leave the apartment building because I would eventually lose control.

Finished, I slipped back under the covers and turned on my side to stare at Aya's back.  It was covered in a blanket.  I couldn't see her.  Just the top of her head sticking out.  I tried to imagine what lay under the covers, but I clamped down on those thoughts because they weren't helping me get to sleep.  I closed my eyes and tried to forget where I was.

"Do you have to be such a bitch when I'm trying to help you?" Aya asked out of the blue.

I guess she couldn't go to sleep angry.  I felt bad.

"Sorry," I said reluctantly, opening my eyes.

She turned around to face me.  I really wished she hadn't.

"You need to control your temper," she told me, but I ignored her.  I just stared.  "Are you feeling better?"

I was glad about the change of subject.  I nodded once.

"You don't usually have nightmares," she observed casually.

I shrugged.  It was true.  I usually didn't.  And this was no exception.  I hadn't had a nightmare.  I'd had a good dream.  I was just in the wrong environment.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

I shook my head, controlling every action carefully.

"Did you lose your voice?" she teased me.

I shook my head, not laughing.  She studied me worriedly.

"You're really that terrified?" she asked, reaching a hand out to my shoulder awkwardly.

Please don't, please don't, please don't...

I didn't reply in any way.  I certainly was terrified, but not because of ghosts or monsters.  I was terrified of the urge I felt to lose control.  I was terrified of freaking her out.  I was terrified of being the monster.

"A dream bad enough to make you shut up?  Where can I find the people responsible?" she asked defensively.

You're the one responsible, I thought to myself.

"It's nothing.  I'm fine now," I spoke in a cautious tone.

"Look at that.  She speaks," Aya said with a glint in her eye.

I breathed slowly and deeply.  She tickled me lightly and I squirmed.

"You're funny," I managed to say dryly.

Then she gave me that beautiful smile that always got to me and made me feel good.  Like a star.  The one that said I could do no wrong.

I felt my heart fall hopelessly through a canyon full of soft clouds, and so I shut my eyes.

The truth is that I came so close to doing something stupid.  If I'd kept my eyes open for a second longer, that would have been the end of the hiding game I had been playing since this crush had started.

"You sure you're okay?" she asked, complete worry replacing any humorous tone in her voice.

I nodded slowly without opening my eyes.

"I'm fine," I mumbled.  "Just tired."

She hummed a response and then scooted in a tad closer to me as every muscle in my body tightened and I pushed her away in my mind.  She took my hand and put it on her forearm.

"If you have more nightmares, just squeeze and I'll knock some common sense into you," she said.

I could imagine her winking at me she said it, but I just kept my eyes shut.

"Okay.  Thanks," I said, trying to sound nice about it.

Just leave me alone, my mind screamed.

"Good night."

"Good night," I echoed.

Ten minutes later, her breathing slowed down and she fell asleep.  I opened my eyes and slowly took my hand off her arm, slipping out of bed and this time making sure not to make any noise as I left the bedroom.

Manoeuvring carefully through the dark, I went and sat down on the couch, crossing my arms across my stomach.

What am I going to do? I thought to myself in despair.

If I didn't do something, I would forever be stuck in painful situations like the one that had just happened.  That night was a deciding factor.  While sitting on the couch, I concluded that I had to tell her.  The next time I saw her after this sleepover, I would tell her.

And that was final.

-The end of story 8

[OTN1]

Past the Barrier and to the Left
Prequel.  Story 9

Chapter 1 of 10

Miki walked into the room.  She had been wringing her hands nervously as she approached the door, but upon sliding it open, she retained her cool appearance, quietly sliding the door shut behind her and turning casually to face her target.

"Listen," she started.  "I wish you'd be clearer with me."

Silence engulfed the room, waiting for her to continue.

"But maybe more than that, I wish I was smart enough to understand you."

She took a slight step forward and stood her ground to carry on speaking.

"Sometimes I feel like you're playing a game with me.  Pressing to see how far you can go and then swerving around to go down another path.  I don't know how much is meant in earnest and how much is just you joking around and talking big."

She paused to take a deep breath and then ploughed on.

"And if I can't tell whether you're being serious or not, I can't figure out what to think.  You drop hints all over the ground and then run them over with a car while I'm trying to pick them up and read them.  It's hard.  I wish you'd either stop dropping the hints or let me pick up on them and interpret them.  It's not fair to me."

She felt her voice tremble, so she stopped, took a slow breath, and continued.

"It disappoints me so much when you do that because... because..."

She weakened momentarily.  She hadn't prepared this part of the speech very well.  She took another breath and hardened up.

"Because I like you a lot.  Just seeing you makes me happy.  Um, and your smile cheers me up.  And your laugh is cute. And the way you do things your own way is, well, unique.  Only you can do them that way and look that way when you do.  You always have advice for me when I ask, and whether it fits for me or not, you give it.  And you always listen to me when it really matters.  Even when it seems like you're ignoring me, you really are listening.  You surprise me all the time.  That's why I like you."

No response came as she paused and regrouped her thoughts.

"What do you think?  Um, because like I said, you're never clear with me.  I don't know what to think.  So... um, can you please tell me now?  Be clear?  Don't mess around with me?  Just this once?  Please?"

Only breathing could be heard after she finished speaking.

"Too much begging.  One more time," Miki muttered under her breath.

She exited the room and re-entered.

"Listen," she began again, looking at her target.  "I really like you."

She let out a deep breath and let her composure go, relaxing and walking over to the picture that was propped up on her desk.  She put it back in the drawer and picked up her phone from her bed.

"All right.  Ready."

Miki strode out of the empty room with confidence.  Rehearsal was over.  The real performance was on.

[OTN1]

Chapter 2 of 10

Miki began to wring her hands together again as she got closer and closer to her destination.  Her face remained stoic, her shoulders at their usual broad poise, her legs stretched out in front of her and reaching towards the middle of the train car.  The only signs of her nervousness were in her hands' movements and in her eyes, which constantly flicked upwards to look at the upcoming stop announcement display.

Three more stops.  Three more stops.  Three more- two more stops.  Two more stops.  Two... she counted.

The train seemed to move like a pregnant snail.

Just knock on the door, get an invite in, say your bit, and hightail it out of there, she thought.

She proceeded to imagine horrific things happening, from being looked at awkwardly to being outright laughed at.

No.  I can't do it, she panicked.  I've got to go back.  Now.

She stood up to get off at the next stop to switch trains in order to go home, but when the train entered the next station, she had second thoughts about having second thoughts. 

No.  Stop being a stupid chicken shit, Fujimoto, she thought vehemently.  Just go there and speak your mind like you always do.  This is no different.

She sat back down.

One more stop.  Her hands twitched.

Fed up, Miki sat on her hands, attracting a vaguely odd look from the man sitting beside her.  She didn't pay him any heed, however, because he looked like he had been drinking.

Why am I the one doing this?  Isn't it supposed to be the guy being all brave and travelling forty minutes to confess...? she wondered.

Her stop was announced.  Her stomach flopped and she walked out of the station, shivering in the warm, humid weather.

Listen.  I want you to be... no, I need you to be clear with me, she practiced in her head.  I like you.  I really like you.  No, I love you.  No... I like you a lot.

These were her thoughts for the seven minutes she had to walk to get to the apartment.

Tell me if you like me, too.  Then we can live happily ever after.  The end, she laughed in her head.

The problem was that she did not believe that.  There was no way there could be a "happily ever after".  Her previous attempts at relationships had told her that much.  Two broken hearts had taught her to stay away from all forms of romance.  Flings were acceptable if and only if they remained just that: flings.  The same applied for any sort of relationships she formed with people.  Friends were kept at a safe distance so that they couldn't break her heart either.  Authority figures, bosses, people in power - they were all kept far away so that when they turned on her, she wouldn't regret having trusted them.  It was for the best, though, because there was nothing valuable that she saw in herself.  There was no reason for those people to be loyal to her.

But she really missed that intimate closeness that one could only get with certain people.  Certain people that one clicked with.  Had chemistry with.  In other words, she missed skin and sweat and sex.

However, in the past two years, she had been so busy and so restricted in her activities, watched like a hawk by authorities she wanted to tie bricks to and drown, that she had not been able to go out and meet all those boys that would all but tattoo her number onto their skin just to have a chance at going on one date with her.

It drove her nuts.  To the brink of insanity.  It made her want to call up her boss and scream so loudly that he'd drive himself into a river by accident.  "Do you realise this is my youth?!" she wanted to holler into his ear.  "Those guys should all be mine!"

Imagine her shock when she realised one day that there was someone who had snuck past most of her defences.  Someone she wouldn't want to throw out of bed the next morning like she had the last boy she had picked up so long ago.  Someone she wanted to hang out with.

At the base of the apartment, her feet got cold.  She wanted to go home again.  A hand tugged at her, trying to pull her back, but she fought it. 

She found her way into the lobby of a building and into its spacious, clean elevator.  Her legs shook as she stepped out onto the floor.  She walked along, every muscle in her body tense, every strand of common sense telling her to stop.  Her sense of survival told her to run.

She reached the door and ran her fingers over the nameplate.  It was blank.  No name was engraved in or pasted on it, perhaps in order to avoid unsolicited attention.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

She wasn't all that sure why she knocked instead of ringing the doorbell.  Maybe it was because the physical action of banging loudly on a door helped her relieve a miniscule fraction of her tension.

When the door knob twisted and the door cracked opened, she felt like she was going to be sick.  The curry rice she had eaten for lunch was going to be regurgitated ungracefully onto the floor before her.  It would not be pleasant for either party.

When the door finished opening, however, she no longer felt the urge to throw up.  A calm aura engulfed her as she was invited in casually.  She removed her shoes and stood in the entrance, staring at an indistinguishable point on the white wall.  It was now or never.

[OTN1]

Chapter 3 of 10

"Listen," she began.

Everything became deathly silent, especially in her head.  It was almost like talking to a photograph.

"I need you to be honest with me."

She forced her voice out, urging all parts of her body to stop trembling.

"Yeah?"

Attentive eyes waited for whatever she had to say.

"Does..." Miki took a deep breath and started her sentence again.  "Does this colour of eye shadow look okay on me?"

Blown.  Utterly and completely.  If it had been an exam, Miki would have received minus two hundred points and been expelled from school.

"Ahh..." came the surprised reply.  "Let me see?  Close your eyes."

Miki closed her eyes and sighed while wondering what sort of punishment she could inflict upon herself.  Something painful to remind her of her idiocy.

"Actually, it suits you really well, Miki-chan.  It makes your eyes look bigger.  Plus, it really goes well with your outfit."

Miki sighed.

"Thanks, Aya-chan."

If Aya really was the boy of their playful, for-the-magazine-interviews-only relationship, she would be the gayest boy that Miki knew.  Funny how she was always claiming to be the more guy-ish of the two.  When it really came down to it, she was 150% girl.

"Is that what you came by to ask?" Aya asked amusedly.

"Yu-huh," Miki said in a laid-back manner, groaning in her head, Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid...

"What?  Hot date tonight?" Aya snorted.

Miki rolled her eyes.

"I wish."

"No, but really.  That's all you came over for?  Or was it just an excuse to see me because you're bored out of your skull?"

"That's all I wanted to know.  Now that I'm here, though..." Miki trailed off, hinting to Aya that perhaps she really was bored out of her skull and wouldn’t mind company.

It happened to be true.  She had nothing better to do than be a nuisance to the friend to whom she wanted to confess her love.

"I thought so," Aya laughed.  "But the truth is, I'm getting ready to go out."

Miki took another look at Aya and noticed for the first time that she was dressed very nicely.

"Hot date?" Miki asked with a dash of jealousy.

Please say no.

"Yes," Aya replied with a wicked smile that Miki wished was aimed at her more often.

Her heart dropped.  If her doubts before had been wishy-washy, they were now solidified certainties.  Of course Aya didn't want her. 

Not when the entire pop industry, not to mention every single one of my fellow citizens in his or her right mind want her, she thought dejectedly

"Don't look like the world is going to end.  What, you actually believed me?" Aya giggled as Miki turned red.  "I have to go to some dinner show with Tsunku-san and Nakazawa-san.  Publicity thing."

Miki breathed a silent prayer of thanks in her mind.

"I see," was all she said out loud.

"I'd invite you, but I'm not in charge."

"I know, I know," Miki smiled. "Guess I'd better get going."

"I don't have to leave for another half hour," Aya said quickly.  "You can stick around."

It was moments like these that made Miki think for a heartbeat that whatever she wanted could possibly come true.  That Aya just might enjoy her company as much as Miki did hers.  Aya had spoken in a way that suggested she thought she might lose Miki forever if they didn't spend those next thirty minutes together.  She was a little too fast to react.  A little too casual as a result of overcompensating for the desperation she felt.  Altogether too unnatural.

However, a heartbeat was just a heartbeat.  It hardly lasted any time at all, and within the small space of that time, Miki had dismissed her thoughts as a result of her overactive imagination.

She didn't say anything, but she nodded and sat down on the couch.

While Aya walked to and from the bathroom and her bedroom, they chatted about unbelievably mundane things.  The hot weather, the rain, Miki's latest food obsession...

"You know what I want right now?" Aya asked out of the blue as she put her earrings in.

Me?

"What?  A vacation?" Miki asked.

"You read my mind!" Aya cheered.

"Where would you want to go?"

The game of "anywhere but here" was one she and Aya often played, fantasising about being somewhere tropical or exciting with no work, no bosses, no responsibilities, and no disturbances.  It was their favourite game.

"I want to sit in an expensive bath all day and relax.  I want to do nothing but laze around."

"You sloth," Miki laughed, trying not to give in to the urge to get up, follow Aya, and poke her. 

Instead, she made up a dream vacation.  She rambled on about a trip to outer space.

"Why would you want to go there?" Aya asked, pausing in her preparations and scrunching up her nose at the idea of travelling hundreds of thousands of kilometres away from Earth.

"Because I'd have lots of time to think," Miki grinned.  "And nobody could bother me.  I could be alone and peaceful."

Aya became very quiet.

"So your dream vacation would be to stay cooped up all alone in a cold metal box with the same scenery outside for days on end?"

Miki laughed weakly.

"I was kidding, Aya.  Of course not.  I'm not that much of a loner."

Aya nodded, but she didn't smile.  She turned her attention back to her make up.  There was an awkward silence and Miki felt inexplicably guilty.

"Anyway, you know me.  I couldn't possibly have that much to think about."

Sometimes she prided herself in her ability to say the right thing at the right time.  It was a rare thing, so when it happened, she felt good.

Aya snickered in agreement, and even Miki beamed at the joke made at her own expense.  If it made that one special person laugh, it was all right.

They left the apartment after Aya finished getting ready, walking to the station together.

"What are you going to do this evening?" Aya asked before they split up.

"Hm," Miki shrugged.  "Watch a movie and be bored all by myself."

Aya gave her a scolding look.  "Don't try to guilt trip me," it said.  She said nothing out loud and Miki smirked.

"See you... Tuesday?" Aya asked

"Yeah, Tuesday.  Bye bye."

The split up easily and quietly, going to their respective platforms.

When her train came, Miki got on and had to stand all the way to her station.  Rush hour had just begun.  She stood pushed up against the door and wished to be beaten for being such a failure.

You blew your chance.  Entirely.  There is no excuse.  You idiot.  Stupid.  Ug.

She had been prepared.  She had even practiced speaking.

Aloud.

To a picture.

She had done silly things all in the name of what?  Make up?  Eye shadow?

Does this colour of eye shadow look okay on me? she repeated acidly in her head, mocking herself.  My eye shadow.

She went home and spent an angry evening.  She watched an angry, violent movie, ate hard, crunchy food angrily, and didn't reply to mail from her sister and Yossi.  It was her temporary self-inflicted punishment.

[OTN1]

Chapter 4 of 10

A few days passed.  It was a boring weekend for Miki.  Aya had a concert out somewhere far away and Miki had work, but far too much free time on her hands.

She was sitting on the floor in her apartment and eating lunch on Sunday afternoon when she got a one-line e-mail from Aya.

Keiko drives me crazy!! she read in her head.

Keiko was her manager.  Her stubborn, bull-headed manager.  She was cool, but her personality was just as strong as Aya's, so while they often agreed on things, they would sometimes have disagreements when their strong wills conflicted.

Nevertheless, Miki scoffed.  At least Keiko got to see Aya.

She wants a vacation... Miki mused to herself.  A vacation?

That was it.  That was what she had to do.

She wants to sit around all day?  I know the perfect place.

Miki put her bread down, no longer hungry, and she went to place a few phone calls and make some inquiries, sorting out and scribbling down details as she went.  All the while, she muttered phrases of encouragement to herself like a batty old lady who only talked to cats and any inanimate object within two metres of her sight.

By two o'clock that afternoon, she had a rough plan sketched out before her on a sheet of scrap paper.  In addition to a plan, she had a fresh feeling of courage.  She was going to do something crazy.  Something insane.  She was also going to speak her mind to Aya.

But she needed someone's help in order to make it happen.

The next step was to call the person in question.

Aibon was shocked that Miki had taken initiative and contacted her out of her own free will.  After Miki finished explaining herself, however, the younger girl switched into 'mission mode' and forgot her surprise.  She told Miki to hang tight for twenty minutes and that she would make some calls.

Miki paced around her apartment for the twenty-three minutes it took Aibon to do what she had to do.  When the phone rang, she answered within two seconds.

Aibon, successful in her mission (although having had to call in a big favour) passed over the important information to Miki, who smiled widely and gave the girl her thanks, which came coupled with a threat not to tell a soul about their dealings.

There was a pause on Aibon's side of the line.

"Fine," sighed Miki after a beat.  "You can tell Tsuji-chan.  But keep it between you two only.  Or else..."

It would be for the better in the end.  That way Aibon would have someone to talk to about it and not go spilling the beans to any other person.  As annoying as they were, Aibon and Nono were a tight unit, and if they were given a secret to guard, Miki knew they would do their best.  There was nothing those two loved more than being sneaky.

The conversation ended and they both disconnected.  With a final breath, Miki picked up the phone and placed a call.

By half past three that same afternoon, she had accomplished what she had set out to do.

If I fail this, I will throw myself off a bridge.  I will pluck my eyes out and run into oncoming traffic.  I will drink rat poison.

She went to bed feeling excited.  Her new plan would work.  It had to.  It had cost enough.

In two weeks, Aya would get her longed-for vacation. 

A long vacation in Hakone.

[OTN1]

Chapter 5 of 10

"...and then he says to the girl 'I don't need you!'  So of course she starts to cry.  And, like, I'm so there with her.  I'm on the verge of tears when the other guy that she met at the café the week before comes in and totally starts to dis her boyfriend and defend her.  I was cheering for him.  He’s so cool.  But then her-"

"Okay, okay.  I get the point.  Can we please go to sleep now?" Miki begged, tears of exhaustion threatening to fall.

"Oh, let me just tell you what happened.  It's half finished," Aya said, ignoring Miki's pain.

"No.  Please.  It's four-thirty.  I have to wake up in two hours.  Please, Aya-chan.  Please..." Miki pleaded, regretting ever having asked Aya if she had watched any good television shows lately. 

Tuesday had rolled around and they had met after work for dinner and a sleepover.  It was a common occurrence, and it usually ended up with Aya rambling and Miki wanting to go to sleep.  This time, however, they had talked too much and it was almost sunrise on Wednesday morning.

"Well... all right," the soloist said sadly, pouting ever so slightly.

Miki sighed.  If there was something Aya loved to do to her, it was to make her feel guilty.  This time, however, Miki refused to feel it.  She was the one who should be guilt tripping Aya.  They had stayed up all night talking, and while Aya was lucky and had evening work, Miki had morning work and of course had to wake up early for it.

She closed her eyes, feeling peaceful, thinking about the wonderful surprise present she was going to give Aya soon.  She was ready to fall asleep any minute.

Aya sighed.  Quite audibly.  An obvious, melodramatic sigh.  It drove Miki insane to hear it because no matter how tired to the bone she was, she could not ignore Aya, even though the girl was exaggerating and being a pest.

"Okay, what happened next?" Miki mumbled, not opening her eyes. 

The atmosphere of the room sprung right back up as Aya perked up and seamlessly launched right back into the explanation of the episode to Miki.

"So her boyfriend, who I know she's going to dump next week before he dumps her, freaks out at the café guy, but the café guy is cool, so he humiliates the boyfriend, and Minako is so in love with him.  You can see it in the camera angles and the music.  She's not even a good actress, you know?  But the story is so well written and the directing is surprisingly good.  In fact, this is the same director that did-"

"Aya!" Miki cried out.

"Yes?" Aya squeaked.

"The story.  Only the story."

Certain lines had to be drawn.

"Right."

No wonder they had given Aya the longest radio show.  She could talk for hours and never run out of things to say.  Lucky for her fans.  Unlucky for a tired Miki.

But as Miki lay there in the bed listening to Aya chatter on about the cheesiest drama in the world, she felt grateful.  She would rather have an Aya rambling on about miscellaneous topics rather than an Aya that had nothing to say to her.  At least she got to listen to that unique, humming voice that could relax her and put her to sleep.

In fact, it was working a little too well - the "putting her to sleep" part.  She started to nod off while Aya spoke.  She blanked out and missed chunks of the story.  She snapped awake at one point when she felt herself almost drool.  She quickly turned onto her back, which prompted Aya to start talking even more, thinking that Miki was awake and restless.

"I... am tired," Miki slurred helplessly.

"Oh, but you have to see a picture of those two together.  It's the definition of perfect!" Aya kept on going.

Miki stuck out a hand and grabbed Aya's wrist, tugging on it weakly.

"Please... no...  Sleep."

"Are you tired?" Aya asked.

Miki's eyes shot open.

"I told you a billion times!  I'm about to die!" Miki exclaimed. 

She mentally scratched off "always listens to me" from her list of reasons why she liked Aya.

"Then you should have told me before.  I would have shut up," Aya said, putting on her baby voice and looking at Miki sympathetically.

Miki rolled up and grabbed Aya's head, shaking it just enough to surprise the girl, but not hurt her.

"I told you," she groaned.  "Several times.  You kept going."

Aya shot Miki a doubtful look.  Miki fell back onto her side with an "oof" and closed her eyes.

"Good night, Talkative-chan."

There was a twenty second stillness where Miki thought she was finally going to be able to fall sleep.  Instead, she felt hands sneak across her body, and before she knew it, Aya had stabbed all ten of her fingernails into her abdomen.

Miki let out a surprised shriek and twitched violently.  It was not painful, and she was too shocked to feel ticklish, but she wanted to kill Aya.

She whipped her head to the side to glare at Aya, but Aya had closed her eyes, her nose upturned, a light, triumphant smile on her lips.

"Good night, Grumpy-chan," Aya said sweetly.

Miki wondered if she should cancel the Hakone trip and get a refund. 

If this was a regular Tuesday night with Aya, imagine two nights and two days of this kind of non-stop torment, she thought.

She couldn't wait.

[OTN1]

Chapter 6 of 10

"What are you doing next Monday?" Aya asked one late night the next week.

"Uh, what am I doing Monday?" Miki repeated, her mind racing to find an excuse.  "Yeah, um, I'm not sure.  I might have stuff."

Brilliant, she thought.  Stuff.  I might have stuff.

"I've got a few days of rest, so if you're free..." Aya trailed off and left it open-ended.

I know you have a few days off.

"I'll check with my manager and let you know," Miki lied.

She had no need to check with her manager, and she had no intention of letting Aya know.

"If you're free, maybe we can-"

Aya interrupted herself with a high-pitched shriek. 

"Hang on!" she said quickly. 

Miki frowned and hung onto the phone and listened to more shrieking, some crashing sounds, and then silence.

What the... Is she being attacked?! Miki thought, suddenly becoming worried and getting up to run over there and try to help.

Right after the silence, however, she heard someone pick up the phone again.

"Sorry.  Spider."

"Oh..." the rest of the words died on Miki's lips as she was not quite sure what to say. 

She was part relieved, part amazed.  It was certainly a good thing nobody was attacking Aya, but was all that commotion necessary?  It was a spider, for heaven's sake.  She did the only thing she could do, and that was laugh.

"So if you're free, let me know so we can do something," Aya concluded.

"I will," Miki lied again, although without feeling a trace of guilt.

She was beyond that.  The outcome would be much better and quite worth it.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?  I have to do some things before bed."

They said goodnight and hung up. 

Miki sat down in her air conditioned living room and thought, thinking being what she had to do before going to sleep.

She crossed her arms and looked ahead at the television set.

"Listen," she said, addressing the blank screen.  "I brought you here because I wanted - no - I want to tell you something important.  Please listen.  No, I already used that word."

Miki crossed her legs.

"Listen.  I need to say something important.  Please don't freak out."

She chewed on her words in her head for a second and then laughed.

"'Don't freak out'?  I may as well ask her not to breath, sleep, or eat."

She rolled her eyes at herself.  It was never going to work.

"Ug!  I can't say anything right!" Miki yelled, throwing her hands up in the air.  "She's going to freak out or laugh and think it's a joke and then leave.  And then... why am I talking out loud?  Ug!"

Frustrated, Miki got up and went to her washroom, where she splashed cold water on her face.  Having cooled down a bit, she turned off the lights and went to her bedroom.

She lay down in the dark and stared at the ceiling.  The lights were off, but the room was alive with light and colour from the great outdoors.  Her neighbourhood was quiet, but Tokyo was a big city with big lights that left no square centimetre untouched.

Why? she thought.  Just... why?  Why everything?

She closed her eyes and tried to relax, something she hadn't been able to properly do in months.  Not when her head was abuzz with thoughts.  Always busy, always thinking.

Maybe I have bad luck.  I was born with no charm and no grace.  I can't express myself properly.  I should never have come to Tokyo.  I should never have become friends with Aya.  Cupid's arrow wasn't supposed to hit me at that hour on that day, whenever that was.

And this is what she thought in those last few moments before entering the world of dreams and nightmares.

Why me?

But if not her, who else?

[OTN1]

Chapter 7 of 10

Two more days, Miki thought to herself.  Two more days until... my life ends.  Her thoughts turned sour.  She'll kill me.  She will murder me.  She will strangle me and then beat me over the head with a shovel.  No, she'll beat me with her fists first, then with a shovel, and then strangle me.  With my own shoelaces!

One could say that Miki had lost her optimism, but first of all, that was an understatement, and second of all, there was none to lose as she never had any to begin with.

I'm going to have to do something to prevent that. Prevent my utter humiliation.  Or at least stave off my death.  I have to stay alive.  At least I have a fighting chance that way.

She began to wring her hands together.  Wringing her hands lately meant that she was thinking about Aya.

Two more days until my life ends...

"What do you think?" someone suddenly asked her.

She looked up, startled.

"About what?" she asked, clueless, refocusing on her surroundings. 

She was not at home, but out at a restaurant.  She was drinking coffee.  Aya was sitting in front of her.  They were supposed to be having a nice, friendly chat, except that after Miki's question, Aya looked annoyed and anything but friendly.  The girl let out a sigh.

"Could you listen to me for once?"

"Sorry?" Miki pleaded with a wince.

"About the nails.  The colour I suggested.  What do you think?" Aya asked in a dangerously exasperated voice.

"Um... Yes?" Miki tried cautiously.

Aya looked grumpy, but then made a sound to acknowledge Miki's answer as something she agreed with.

"I'm counting on your opinion here," Aya warned her.  "If it doesn't work, it's my reputation at stake."

"Since when did lowly me become Her Majesty's fashion advisor?  You're the almighty expert," Miki giggled, speaking with exaggerated airs as she announced Aya's title.

She was serious, though.  She did not see why Aya would consult her about something that didn't necessarily require her opinion.  Aya always went ahead and did what she wanted.  When it came to fashion, she really was queen.  And even if it was a fashion disaster, she could make it work, or at least nobody would laugh at her until she was out of the room.  She did command some respect in the great wide world of popular culture.

Aya, however, seemed to forget all of that on that rainy Friday evening.  Perhaps she was curious about what humble pie tasted like.  She pulled it all in and seemed to retreat within herself for a minute, looking like she was trying to find the right words to speak her mind.  Maybe words to tell Miki to stop being a pain.

"Your opinion does matter."

It sounded so honest that Miki could do nothing but believe it.

"But only when it's not that important."

And that was the humourous catch.  Aya always was thrifty with her compliments, not giving them out often.  She would disguise jokes as compliments.  Miki knew that she did not like to let her guard down too much, but she wondered why she bothered to keep walls up with Miki.  When she let them down, it was not as if Miki ever did anything bad.  Miki chalked it up to personality.  She had no problem with it, so long as she was allowed past the walls once in a while (which she knew she was).

Miki rolled her eyes and Aya laughed evilly.

"You didn't think I was getting all mushy on you, did you?" she cackled, patting Miki's cheek.  Miki pulled away and glared.

"Fine.  Paint your nails puke green, for all I care," she muttered.

She wasn't genuinely angry, but she sometimes did wish Aya would stop joking around with her like that.  It made her uncomfortable hearing any compliments because she felt they would inevitably be followed by a punch line.  When they were not, it felt incomplete.  Like something lay in hiding, waiting for the right moment to pounce and tear open her jugular.

Aya gave her a look and they both laughed it off.  Aya launched back into a long-winded rant about who knows what while Miki stared at her glass of iced coffee.

I can't do this.  This is not good

She took a sip of the bitter drink.

"Don’t you think I did the right thing?  What would you have done?"

Oh brother, Miki thought.  Here I go again.

She made a decision.

I just won't wear shoelaces on that day.

She took a breath to muddle her way through another pickle, Aya inevitably scolding her about her recent short attention span and Miki cringing and apologising as though she were five years younger than her scary friend.

And so passed the last evening she would have before surprising Aya.

[OTN1]

Chapter 8 of 10

June twenty-fifth, 2005, somewhere just past Nagoya.

I sit alone in a reserved seat on one of the fastest trains in the country, looking out the window and fretting over what to do.

I stayed up late last night trying to think of something good to say.  When bedtime came, I was too worked up and couldn't get to sleep.  As a result, I've only had three hours of sleep.  Yet somehow, I've managed to get through the work I've had to do and make it on time to catch the shinkansen for Kobe.

I check my bag for the fifth time since leaving Tokyo station.  I have my printed reservation confirmation paper for the hot spring resort in Hakone and the concert ticket that Kago handed to me yesterday with a devilish grin.  That girl is going to enjoy Aya's surprise.

I close my eyes and try to get some sleep, but I'm too nervous.  I haven't come to any decision about what to do.  Right at that moment, my plan is to go backstage after the concert, give Aya the paper, and then hope that there's a good opportunity to start spouting the nonsense I've been practicing in front of mirrors and pictures for the past few days.

I remain uptight for the rest of the ride to Kobe.

When Shin Kobe station is announced, I practically jump up from my seat and head to the door, eager to get out.  The minute the doors open, I race off to catch a connecting train that will take me to the concert hall.

Before leaving the train station, I duck into a washroom and change my clothes.  I don't want to call attention to myself, so I dress down, making sure not to wear anything flashy.  I then slip a medical mask on my face and leave the washroom looking completely different from when I entered.

I really like you, I practice in my head.  I just came by to give you this and to tell you that you're the greatest person in the world...  No!  That's terrible!  I can't say that.

I walk down the street and scold myself at the same time.  I must look crazy.

Once I locate the concert hall, I walk a few blocks to a convenience store where I will read magazines to kill time.  I'll slip into the hall ten minutes after the concert is slated to start.  It's the best way to remain anonymous because all the fans will be doing their concert preparations.  They won't pay attention to me coming in late.

Each minute that passes, the tension inside me grows.  My stomach flips and flops like a landed fish.  I have the feeling that this is it.  This is the day.  No more blunders.  No more eye shadow questions and sidestepping the issue.  My mere presence will raise a million questions in her, and I'll have to answer them.  I'll have to eventually get it out, even if it's a short "I like you" in a tiny voice.

Am I ready for it?

Oh, no.  Not at all.

The time draws near.  I start my walk to the hall, and before I know if, I'm at the entrance giving my ticket in, having my bag checked briefly, and being ushered off to my second floor seat.  The lights begin to go down just as I find my row, and I squeeze my way through cheering fans, making sure to look away from them.  I'm sure that ninety-eight per cent of the people in this room could recognise me in an instant.  I have to play it safe.

The stage lights go on, and suddenly I feel very nervous for her.  I never feel nervous before I'm performing, but for her, I want everything to go right.  It's her birthday today, after all.

When Aya appears on stage, I lose myself and just stare.  I'm not used to seeing her like this.  Not live at a concert from the audience.  It's a very different experience for me.  She looks and sounds great, of course, and I start to cheer up as I listen to the energetic songs.

When Kago comes out singing my last single as a soloist,  I sigh.  I feel nostalgic about the good old days of that silly song, and I also feel that the louder half of the Top Two does it justice.  Of course nobody can replace me in that song.  I am the original.  But I feel proud of Kago just the same.  I don't even know her that well, but we have shared the stage a lot together since I joined Morning Musume, and that makes us team mates, no matter how many times I've gotten annoyed at her silliness.

I stop paying attention for the talking part that comes after her song even though Aya's there, but I'm snapped back into the world when I hear the first sounds of Melon's sexiest single.  I've heard Aya complaining about trying to master the dance, and now I'm going to see it.

I like my sexiness sexy, not raunchy.  This choreography borders on the latter, but when I see Aya moving around as if the steps are completely natural to her, I blink and re-evaluate.  I didn't realise the girl could move like that and look smooth.  I guess she does have it in her.  That proud feeling I felt when watching Kago perform my song fills me again, only this time multiplied by a factor of ten and full of more love than anything else.

The whole concert is lots of fun to watch.  Everybody seems to get along perfectly, and you can tell it has been rehearsed well.  Aya sticking her nose in her birthday cake makes me want to run up on stage and join them all for the celebration.  I can't, though.  I'm stuck up here on the second floor.

My favourite part of the whole evening is when Aya sings her latest single, "Zutto suki de ii desu ka".  I know that she didn't write the lyrics, but they are striking all the same.  I feel as if she's channelling me and singing about my heart.  It's bittersweet, but her voice is so pure and so dead on that nothing but the good parts of it affect me while she's in the midst of singing.  When she's finished, I clap the longest and the loudest.

The show wraps up, and they do their final bows after an encore.  While they're still on stage, I slip out of my seat and go to find a staff member.  I have a backstage pass courtesy of the conniving twin, and it will get me past security and into the dressing room area, although I'm sure that one show of my face will suffice.

I get in without a hassle, and I wander the halls until I find Aya's dressing room.  I lean against the wall as I wait.  I have an urge to check for the paper I'm going to present to Aya.  I hold myself back, though, because she could round that corner at any given moment.  The paper rests in my pocket.  I transferred it there for easy access.

It takes a while for the triumphant crew to show up.  I suppose they're doing a post-concert celebration and eating cake.

Then I hear it.  Laughing and talking.  They're coming.  I hear the Top Two serenade Aya with a stupid song.  As ridiculous and funny as it is, I don't laugh.  My stomach has tightened painfully, and I start to tremble at the thought of what I'm about to do.

Chill out, I tell myself.  You're just here to have fun with her.  That much she'll understand.

I hear lone footsteps.  They falter for a moment, and I know she's seen me.  I listen as she continues to approach much more quietly, and I shift my position.

The moment of truth...

I turn around.  Skin glistening with sweat, face screwed up in confusion, make up thick but artistically done.  There Aya stands looking every bit as great as she's always claiming to be.

It excites me to know that I know what lies beneath that exterior.  Beneath the make up, the bravado, and the extroversion.  She's still the same person, but she's not impenetrable.  I guess that's the difference between knowing someone and knowing of someone.  To me, she's not impossible.  She's accessible.  I can know her.  To the guys sitting on either side of me at the concert moments ago, she's part of another world.  They can never really know her no matter how many books, articles, and interviews they read.

The look on her face is one of shock.  After the initial surprise, she's either going to be excited that I've come all the way to Kobe to see her, or creeped out by my extreme act.  The way I see it, these are the only two possible reactions Aya can have to any of my actions.  Nothing in between.

"Heeee...?"  she lets out in surprise as she stops walking.

"Hi," I say, blanking out and not saying anything else.

Aya looks around and sees that we're the only ones in the hallway. 

"Wh- what are you doing here?  Are you here to see me?" she stutters.

I pray for her not to go down the road of disgust.  I don't want her to be put off by what I've done.

"Yeah, I dropped by to see you," I say far more casually than I mean to.

"'Dropped by'?  Miki, where did you come from?  Tokyo?  Farther?"

This is that defining moment.  I can just imagine she's going to freak out once I tell her where I've come from.  Of course, I could always lie and say that I was working nearby.

"Er, Tokyo..." I say hesitantly.

I just can't lie to her.  She stares at me with an expression I can't read.  Is it shock?  Disgust?

"I wanted to wish you a happy birthday..." I say timidly.

I've reverted to a mouse in front of a lion.  A very kind, beautiful lion, but nevertheless, a creature that is stronger than me and can squash me with one paw.  The question is, will she go for the kill or give me a chance?

I think she's about give me a chance because she starts to laugh.  It's her defence mechanism for when she's so surprised she doesn't know how to react, but she knows nothing's wrong.  I begin to relax.

"Miki, that's really sweet, but you could've just mailed me.  Or called," she giggles.

She looks positively thrilled, and she walks the rest of the way towards me and hits me gently on the arm.  I get so embarrassed by what I've done that I look down at the floor, unable to look at her.

"But that's what I did the last few times for your birthday since we were both working.  It gets monotonous, Aya," I murmur at the carpet.

I feel her take my hands and pull me to her, and for a moment, I wonder what's going to happen.

"You are the best friend I could ever hope to have," she says.

Heart soaring, I finally look up at her and laugh.  I like hearing about how great a friend I am from her.  It fills me with that confidence I need to take those big steps forward.

"So, happy birthday, Aya-chan," I say, this time with much more strength.

I shake her hands off of mine and I grab her in a big hug.  I'm no longer bogged down by fears of her being repulsed by my actions.  She's obviously quite content to believe that I'm such a good friend that I've travelled a long distance to see her on her birthday.  She doesn't suspect that I could possibly have any further feelings towards her, or if she does suspect it, she's good at hiding it.

I never want this hug to end because it might possibly be the last one I ever have with her.  While this moment is one I've deemed to be good, who can tell what will happen one minute or one hour from now?  I might let something slip out and she might react badly.  She might want nothing to do with me after that, and of course that will mean no more interaction of any kind.

So I savour this warm moment as best I can before pulling out of it so as to not scare her.  It could be my imagination, but she looks a little disappointed.  I push it out of my mind.  I'm too hopeful.  But still, something inside me tells me to keep an eye out for any signs.  I want her badly for some reason.  Maybe she wants me for those same, unknown reasons.

Aya suggests we go into her dressing room because she has to get changed, so we go in.  She finally takes note of how I'm dressed, and while she stands there looking at me, she pushes some hair out of my eyes.  God, I love it when she does that.  It makes me want to grab her hand and tell her to play with my hair some more.  I want to simply sit still while she runs her fingers through it.  I don't like when people other than my hair stylist touch my hair, but I don't mind if it's Aya.

When she asks me if I went to her concert, I feel like we've reached crossroad number two.  Here's another chance for her to either turn away from me in disgust or to be happy.

I score good points again, because she laughs and hugs me when I tell her I watched her concert from the audience.

"How was it?" she asks me, genuinely interested in my opinion.

I'm unable to restrain myself, and I gush out, "It was amazing!" while grinning stupidly, remembering watching her the whole time.

"What was your favourite part?"

How am I supposed to answer that question?  I can't tell her because she'll ask why, and how can I explain why a song about an unrequited love that she'll feel forever no matter what speaks to me so much?

"'Nikutai wa shoujiki na eros'?" she asks in a teasing voice when I fail to reply.

I can't help flushing because she's making one of those jokes again.  One of those ones where she implies that I want her because she is just too hot for her own good.  It's all a silly thing meant in jest, but she doesn't realise that it's actually true.

I shake my head.

"But that was pretty sexy, Aya-chan.  Didn't know you had it in you," I admit with a bite.  I may as well have fun.

She rolls her eyes at me.

"You know I'm damned sexy.  Don't deny it."

I wasn't going to, I think.

Out loud, I giggle and pat her cheek.  Before I know it, I've got my nose right up against hers, and I think I'm about to do something stupid.  Like kiss her.  Of some other absurd action.  She scrunches her nose up at me.  I can see directly into her eyes.

"Of course you are," I say.

I've spoken an honest thought to her finally.  What I really think about her.  Now the question is, can I keep going?

I'm not given an opportunity to test it out because Aya bumps her nose against mine and pulls away with a silly look that masks something I can't read.  I think I just frightened her a bit there.

"But really... what was your favourite part?  Your favourite song?" she insists.

She really does love to hear about herself, doesn't she?  That's okay.  That's what makes her the Ayaya that I love.

"Your performance of 'Zutto suki de ii desu ka'.  That's my favourite song of yours..." I answer seriously after a moment's hesitation.

I wonder if she'll ask why.

"Thank you.  That performance meant a lot to me," she says.

"Me too," I agree a little too quickly.  I scurry to cover it up with, "Um... because it's a touching song, and... it's always nice to see your best friend sing something so deep."

"Thank you.  Very much," Aya says shyly.  "I'm glad that you could hear it today, too."

Does she mean it?  Eyes wide with love, I look at her.

"Really?"

"Of course," she shrugs.

She's acting like me when I downplay something.  Could she be doing that? 

No, it can't be.

I think I pin her with a love struck look.  She just grins back.

Time to try again.

"I wish I could've been onstage with you," I begin, regulating my breathing so that it's even, "and I wish I could've sung for you, too.  I wish I could've sung with you.  And, uh, I just want you to know that you looked beautiful up there.  Absolutely gorgeous and cute and mature..." I trail off and chicken out before I can tell her why I think that.

Damnit, just say it.  Just tell her you're absofreakinglutely in love and get it over with.

But I can't.  Rarely can I follow my own advice.  It never sounds like very good advice.

She lifts my chin up because I'm looking down.  Maybe she's going to help me along with what I have to say.

"Thank you, Miki," she says with a serious look.  "I wish you could've been onstage with me, too.  That would've made the perfect birthday gift."

Birthday gift?  Right!  I almost forgot one of the reasons why I've come down here.  Confessions of love pushed aside, I reach into my pocket and hand the paper in it over to Aya.  I watch her face carefully as she reads.  When her eyes widen the slightest bit, I know that this is another crossroad.

"Tomorrow?!" she bursts out.

I laugh and nod energetically, hoping to convince her to have a positive reaction.

"Are you nuts?!  Are you joking?  Are you on drugs?  Do you even have time?  Where'd you get the money?!"

Despite her questions, I know that I've scored my next point on the good side.  She looks utterly pleased and, at the moment, utterly speechless.  I grab the paper out of her hands and then write "surprise" on it, circling it with a heart.  She looks at the word and a million kinds of emotions cover her face.  I wonder if she's going to burst out crying, and then I wonder if this mix of feelings is a good thing.

It turns out to be a very good thing.  She grabs me in a hug and kisses my cheek as she jumps up and down excitedly. I start to laugh because this is exactly how I've wanted her to react. She pulls back, looks at me, and then hugs me again, surprising me and making me go "oof!" as she giggles over my shoulder. 

Maybe now is a good time to say a few of those words I've been practicing...

"You didn't have to do this, you know.  You didn't have to give me anything.  Especially something so huge," Aya murmurs before I can say anything, the vibrations of her voice making my shoulder feel nice and funny.

I shrug, and I carefully reach up and hug her back now that I have my balance.

"I wanted to," I reply.

I'm about to start speaking again when Aya pulls out of the hug.  I consider not letting go and making her stay, but it's not good to forcibly keep someone, especially Aya, in a hug.  It's not nice.  It's not normal.  I let her go, hoping she doesn't notice my hesitation.

"I didn't know what to get you anyway, so I figured I may as well go with what you said you wanted," I end up saying.

"The fact that you came to visit me just now is the best birthday present you could ever give me, you know that?"

I blush because it makes me happy to hear, but I have to get us off this topic because I feel like I'm going to die of embarrassment.

"I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier.  Work," I say with a roll of my eyes.

"Idiot," Aya says, hitting me lightly.  "You're here now.  That's all that matter...s..."

She trails off suspiciously.  She sounds like I do.  Silly and in love.  This is when I seriously start to suspect something's going on.  Or is it wishful thinking?

Ug.  I still can't tell.

"Well, I'm glad I could come and watch.  Nothing could've made me happier," I reply.

The awkward atmosphere that we find ourselves in is unbearable.  At least I'm not the only one acting strangely, but I'm dying to know what the motivation behind her odd behaviour is.

"I guess I should get changed," Aya laughs after breaking the silence with a cough.

I laugh along because I'm so nervous, and I go to sit on the couch while she changes.

I can't look at her, I think.  If I do, I will cross that boundary line and stray from good friend to creepy stalker territory.

So I stare at everything that is not Aya.  At one point I stare at a pillow on the couch and I wonder how long it would take to make one similar to it.  The stitching is tight, surely done by a machine.  Could I mimic a machine's work?  I could try.  I could go to Parco and buy some cheap thread, a few needles, fabric, and stuffing, and then...

Why am I thinking about sewing a pillow?  This is really pathetic.

I look up to see if Aya's finished changing.  She's just adjusting her shirt, and so I know it's safe to be looking at her.

Except that when she turns to look at me, I look away.  I don't want her to think I was staring at her the whole time.

But wait.  I wasn't doing anything wrong by looking at her.  I look right back at her.  She smiles, so I smile back, but I feel guilty.  What are we doing?  What kind of communication is this?

I ask myself this as Aya walks over to the couch and sits beside me.  I hope that she can think of something to say that will get us out of this awkward rut we've dug ourselves into.

She asks what I want to do tonight, and I have to confess that I have very little money on me.  I probably have just enough to buy a meal at the convenience store.  Oversights happen, and I left my bank card at home, making me unable to withdraw any more money from an ATM before leaving Tokyo.  It was a choice between missing my train or having no money.  Seeing Aya was (and still is) more important.  I couldn't miss that train for anything.

Aya offers to spot me money, but I decline until she hits my leg to silence me.

"Don't you dare start with that.  And don't you dare not stay in my hotel room tonight," she says, and my heart skips a beat or two.  "I know you don't know anyone in Kobe to stay with.  Now come on, where do you want to go?"

She gets up and pulls on my hand to make me follow.  I stand up and laugh to cover my excitement.

"You're the birthday girl.  You tell me," I say, leaving the decision to her.

But isn't she going to go out with the girls?  I know that she enjoys the Melons' company.  I figure they must have planned something in advance knowing that they'd be in Kobe overnight.

"Aren't you going out with the girls anyway?" I ask.

"We thought we might, but I just want to spend my time with you," she says, and then quickly adds, "I mean, I just spent the whole day with them.  I'm sure they're sick of me..."

I could never get sick of her.  Not really.  Get sick of the way she's holding my hand right now?  Never.

"Sick of you? Hah.  As if," I mutter, which makes Aya grin.

She then lets go of my hand to gather her things.

Hey, I was enjoying that, I whine in my mind.

She says something about dropping our things off at the hotel, and I just nod because I'm thinking about grabbing hold of her hand again and not letting go.

Instead, we leave the room, and I conclude that there will be no confessing right at this moment.  We're going to meet the rest of the girls and get driven back to the hotel, so it wouldn't be a good idea to spring something so huge on Aya.

I talk about my day, which is a bit strange because we don't tend to talk about work, and all I did today before coming to Kobe was work.  I tell her about some filming I did with Yocchan and Takahashi for some promotional thing that I can't even remember because it's not important, and we make our way to the back entrance of the concert hall like any two friends would.

So far so good.  I haven't made any huge mistakes.  If I can keep this up, I can build up my courage and say something.  I'm going to have to be quick, though, because bedtime isn't that far away, and it would be nice to say something before midnight.

Midnight.  That's it.  Midnight will be my deadline.  I will say or do something before midnight to communicate this mess in my mind.

Midnight.

[OTN1]

Chapter 9 of 10

Aya and I run into the van laughing at how we're holding everyone up by being so slow.  We climb in one after the other and everyone inside shifts spots so that we have room to sit.  Tsuji and Kago grin at me and wink.  I can't help myself, so I grin back.  It's thanks to their help and silence that I've been able to give Aya this birthday surprise.  Aya catches the smiles we're exchanging and she looks at us suspiciously as she pieces together what's happening.

"You two knew she was coming to visit and you didn't tell me?" she demands.

She sounds like an older sister who is angry after being left out in the dark about some secret.  It's so cute!

"But isn't it better as a surprise?" Kago asks.

She's on the same wavelength as me.  Good girl.

I look over briefly at the Melons, and Shibata catches my eye.  We nod hello to each other.  We're not particularly close, but we do play futsal together.  It's amazing, though, that I hardly have any interaction with her off camera and off the field.  She's a nice girl, though, and I remember her smiling and laughing onstage with Aya, looking like she was having the time of her life.

I look back at Aya, who is in the middle of telling the Top Two that she loves them.  I'm having a ball just listening to the way she talks to them.  She's not that much older than them, but she seems so.  She's acts so maturely compared to them (noses stuck in cakes aside).  Of course she's not mature all the time, and that dichotomy within her is yet another one of those beloved Aya traits that gets to me.

"I guess this means birthday celebrations with us are off," Saito pipes up with a grin.

"Yeah, leave the two lovebirds alone," Masae finishes for her.

I feel two things.  One, of course, is utter humiliation.  It's not like I meant to sweep in here and destroy their evening plans.  I'm embarrassed to have called so much attention to myself because of my actions towards Aya.  The other thing I feel is anger.  I come this close to telling Masae to shut up and mind her own business.  I don't, though, because there's no need to cause tension, and I will admit that the anger I'm feeling now is reckless and almost entirely brought on by my underlying nervousness.

I look back at Aya and see that she, too, looks a bit embarrassed.

What are we?  Hello!Project's scapegoat "couple"?  Come all ye merry jokers and release thy naughty jokes upon us?

"I never said anything like that," Aya complains, rolling her eyes.

"Nah, it's ok," Hitomi laughs.  "I'm actually exhausted.  I don't think you could drag me out for any more fun."

I look over at the Melons to see Shibata yawning exaggeratedly and resting her head on Murata's shoulder.

"Well," Aya says, causing me to look back at her, "I'm not asking you to stay in your hotel rooms.  If you want to go out with us, come along."

What?!

I thought we just agreed a few moments ago that we'd spend some time together without anyone else around.  Why is she suddenly going back on that plan?  Does she not want to hang out with me because I'm creeping her out?  Or did she already forget our plan?  Why can't we be able to communicate telepathically?  I'd remind her with a sharp poke to her mind.

Shibata and her crew confer silently with one another, and to my extreme relief, they decide that they'll stay in.  I breathe easy once again because I know that the twins won't want to come along if there isn't a massive amount of eating of candy involved.

Right on queue, Kago asks, "Will you be eating cakes and sweets?"

I look at Aya and we both shrug simultaneously.

"We'll probably just have some dinner.  Maybe go for coffee."

Aya's response inspires indifference in the two youngest girls, and they claim they'll order room service.  I laugh as Aya reminds them of last week, and they glare at me for being so insensitive as to laugh at their pain.

When she came back to Tokyo after her concert last weekend, Aya had told me the story of how Tsuji and Kago had spent the night eating so many sweets that they hadn't been able to fit into their costumes the next afternoon.  They had had to suck it up when squeezing into their skirts and pants, and apparently they looked a little green around the gills each time they had to twirl.

The rest of the van ride passes silently.  I see the Melons all pass out at roughly the same time, followed by the Top Two, who, like babies, just conk out exactly the way they're sitting.

I feel Aya rest her head on my shoulder, and of course I feel a little mushy.  I want to say something to her in this moment of weakness where she's about to fall asleep, but we're surrounded by people.  I'm fairly certain they're all asleep, but if by any chance they're not, I would be making a huge mistake.  All I can do is offer my shoulder as a pillow and enjoy the fact that she's leaning right against me.

I cross my arms across my stomach, and I lean my head against the window so that if I fall asleep, it doesn't droop over and bang against Aya's.  That's happened before and it's painful.

Can I really do it?  Can I confess my undying love before twelve o'clock?

That question sees me off to sleep.

When I wake up, my cheek is resting against the window and Aya is looking up at me.  We seem to have just stopped, and Aya looks like she's just woken up.  We smile at each other as if it's the morning and we've just awoken after eight hours of perfect sleep.

We file out of the van, say goodbye to everyone, get serenaded again by Tsuji and Kago, and finally get to Aya's hotel room.  We drop our bags on the floor, and after seeing Aya fall back on the bed, I opt to take a seat in the chair.  But maybe if I went to sit beside her, I could finally say something.  I mean, we're both alone.

No, it's bad timing.  We just got in.  We need to eat some dinner first, and eating an awkward birthday dinner is not an option.

But maybe we don't need to go out to eat dinner.  She looks exhausted lying there.  It looks like the only thing she'd move for would be to escape from a missile attack.  We could order room service, or maybe I could run downstairs and buy something for the both of us.

"Hey, if you want to just stay in, that's fine with me.  You must be exhausted," I say quietly, afraid to speak any louder and disturb her moment of repose.

She rolls us with a jovial smile.

"Nonsense.  You came all the way to Kobe.  You are not leaving without going out and having some fun."

"But I came here to see you.  I am having fun," I mumble.

It's strange.  It's strange, and I know it the minute the words leave my mouth.  She just smiles, though, showing no hint of thinking what I've said is as strange as I think it is.  She reaches to the ground and tosses my knapsack to me.  I catch it in surprise.  It almost seems like she's kicking me out and telling me to take my belongings with me.

"Come on.  Get changed.  Let's go," she orders me.

Oh, so that's how it's going to be.  She's starting with her bossiness again.

Two can play at this, I think gleefully.  I love our power games.

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" I ask with a glare, daring her to tell me.

"You look like a boy.  I'm not going out with no boy tonight.  This is a girl's night out," she claims, rolling her eyes at me as if saying I'm so dumb for not being able to figure that out.

I laugh.  She's won.  I'm perfectly happy to let her win.

I quickly change my top so that now instead of that ratty old shirt, I'm wearing a much more flattering top. 

Seduce him with wine and sexy lingerie?

Well, I've got a tank top and dinner.  That will have to do.

"Okay, now that we're dressed decently, let's go," Aya says after giving me a look of approval.

No compliment?  Just "dressed decently" and no jibe about how sexy I am?  Even if it's a joke, I want to hear it.

Oh well.  We still have some hours ahead of us.  Nothing can make me feel down right now.  I'm hungry and ready to eat.  I grab her hand, and we skip down the hallway to the elevator.

"What'll it be, Birthday Girl?" I ask.

She squeezes my hand before letting it go to fix her hair.

"Anything suits me.  What do you want?"

"You know what I want," I answer cheekily.

I wonder what would happen if she said she knew I wanted her.  Hah!

She looks sneaky for a moment, and then breaks out her impish grin.

"Meat?"

I nod.  That's the non-naughty answer to the question.

"I know a place," she says.

Having grown up nearby, she's been to Kobe many more times than I.  I trust her to lead me somewhere good, and so I tell her that.

We end up in a cosy little restaurant where we're the only customers.  We chat about life while we eat.  I completely forget my nervousness because I'm so relaxed here with her.  It's like old times.  We just talk and talk, and sometimes we're just silent as we eat.

We finish up, and I have to watch ashamedly as she picks up the bill.  Once we get outside, I grovel at her feet and thank her for feeding me.  She laughs and tells me to shush up.  I blush because she's too kind, but then I'd do that same for her.  She'd never be forgetful enough to leave all her money at home, but if she ever did, I'd be there for her in an instant.

We start to walk down the streets.  I follow Aya because she seems to know where she's going.

"What should we do now?" I wonder aloud.

"I wonder..." she repeats.

"I'd say karaoke because it's been ages, but you've just been doing that all day," I snicker.

She nods.

"Yes.  No more singing in enclosed spaces, please.  I need fresh air."

We walk a few more paces.

"How about we just keep doing what we're doing?" I ask, indicating the road ahead and our walking.

She smiles warmly, and so we decide that wandering will be good enough.  She takes my hand and swings it playfully as we walk in the dark and listen to the sounds of the night.

Now would be a perfect time to say something.  It's late at night, we're pleasantly sleepy, satisfied from a good meal, it's not cold out, we're alone, it's dark, she's holding my hand...

By the way, I really like you a lot.

I don't say it.  We talk about other things, but we don't talk about my feelings for her.  I can sense that she has something on her mind, too, but I don't ask what it is.  She might shoot the question back at me and ask what's on my mind.  I'm a chicken...

We fall into a deep, pensive silence that I break when I realise she's not paying attention to the streets.

"Where are we?" I ask.

She snaps awake and looks around at the buildings uncertainly.  She hums and points in a direction.

"That's the way to the main street," she says confidently.

I contest her point.  I could swear that the correct street is the one opposite to the one she's pointing at.  We start to pull at each other's hands until I finally give in and let her lead the way, questioning whether we're going to end up more lost than we already are.

She's right, of course, and I decide to not question Aya when it comes to places she's been to far more times than I have.  She obviously knows her way.

We get to the entrance of the hotel, and I sneak a peek at my watch.  It's eleven-forty-five.  I have fifteen minutes left before my self-imposed deadline.  If I don't confess what I feel before twelve, I will hate myself.  Such a failure will show that I have absolutely no backbone, no strength, and no will to succeed.

"You know, we didn't do much partying tonight," I say conversationally as we wait for the elevator.

"Well, we went out for a good dinner..." she points out.

"Yeah, but we didn't drink or sing or... I don't know.  Party stuff," I shoot back.

How I wish we could have had something to drink.  Even just one cocktail or a glass of wine.  It would have relaxed me so much.

"I'm not old enough to drink," she reminds me.

It's funny how Aya's playing that card.  I've seen her drink before.  She's not a heavy one, but I've seen her cheeks get rosy from the alcohol

"Didn't stop you those other times," I say to her with a sly look.

"That's because we weren't out.  We were at somebody's place."

Indeed.  Abe sure knows how to throw a party.

I roll my eyes at her, though, to dismiss her flimsy excuse as we get into the elevator.  I grab her hand and pull at it to get her to listen to me.

"So what now?  Sleep?"

I can imagine she's tired.  And when we're lying there in the dark, I can say something...

"I could go for a bath," Aya says with a yawn, letting go of my hand and stretching her arms out.  "Get into bed, watch some TV, maybe order room service and eat sweets like Tsuji and Kago are doing right now..."

How cute!  But I feel bad because I don't want to keep her up.  I would sacrifice my happiness and leave if it meant she could get some rest.

"Is it really ok for me to stay with you tonight?" I ask.  "I figure you need some down time.  Er, alone time.  That concert must've taken a lot out of you.  You probably don't want to hear people talking or even moving around you."

I confuse myself a bit with that sentence, but I kind of hope that she doesn't want me around, because I'm starting to chicken out again.

"Sure I don't want to hear just anyone talking or moving," she agrees.  "But I want to hear you talking and moving.  Of course I don't mind.  I'd be lonely on my own..."

She smiles at me and squeezes my hand.

The words are at the tip of my tongue.

Aya-chan, I-

But "PING!" goes the elevator, and we get out.

Better luck in the next nine minutes.

[OTN1]

Chapter 10 of 10

Once we reach the room, I turn on the television set and pretend to become immersed in some variety show.  I hear Aya go into the bathroom and start running a bath, and I'm suddenly filled with dread.  While this is no different from our every day life when we get together, the fact that I'm so resolute about confessing my love makes me a whole lot more ill at ease.

"Bath time!" she cheers.

I hear the sounds of her taking off her clothes, and I keep my eyes glued to the TV screen.  I know she's inviting me to go in there with her, but I just can't.  My control is slipping.  I've also seen something that makes my heart drop.  On screen is the time.  It's one minute past twelve. 

I've missed my midnight deadline.

"You can go first," I call out in a preoccupied voice.

Before I know it, she has come up behind me and is dragging me towards the bathroom.  I want to complain, but that'll look suspicious.

"Let's go," she insists.

We reach the bathroom, and I give up trying to be modest or in control of myself.  I roll my eyes at her and strip down.  I find myself calming down as I wash up then slip into the big tub of hot water.  There's a lot of laughing and splashing, but we don't really talk about anything.  Aya mumbles something about being tired, and with a sigh, she leans her head back and closes her eyes.

Unable to resist, I look at her.  I stare at her.

What if I were to open my mouth right now and tell her that I like her more than a friend?  More than yakiniku and animals and being an idol?  More than anything?  She'd probably be incredibly disgusted.  Here we both are, naked as the day we were born.  It's just not a good situation.

But it could be.  It might get my point across.  It might even turn out to be a good thing.  Who knows...

Say it now before she opens her eyes.

But instead, I simply watch her, because looking at her makes me feel good.  For a person that makes me get so worked up, she really does a good job of relaxing me at the same time.  When her eyes are closed and she's resting, unaware of the world around her, she is able to reassure me that my life is a good one because no matter what has happened in it, I have been led to this point where I can be beside her and look at her.

I continue to gaze at her as I think these deep thoughts, and without warning, Aya opens her eyes.  I'm staring directly at her face, and so our eyes meet and everything in me freezes.  I swallow down the lump that pops up in my throat, and I look away. 

"What?" she asks, her voice cracking.

I start to shake my head and am about to make some stupid excuse or joke, when I stop.  This is my chance.  Maybe it's past midnight, but we're still awake and alive.

"You just look so peaceful," I say softly.

What I really want to say is I just want to kiss you, but I have to start at a safe point.

"Do you like watching me sleep?" she teases me.

Something in her voice betrays another feeling.  I don't think she believes me entirely.  I'd better do something to earn her trust.

I nod my head to her question, which makes her blush.  She lowers herself into the water a little.

"You do?  When?" she asks, and my mind goes abuzz with thoughts.

This crossroad is going to be one of the hardest.  What I say next will most certainly freak her out.  But I have to say it because she's asked.  I can't keep lying to her.  Or covering up the truth.  Same thing.

"Just... uh, sometimes when I can't sleep.  Or... uh, when I wake up before you when we're sleeping over at each other's places," I mumble.  "When I see you sleeping, it calms me down a bit if I watch you."

Aya nods.

"Mmhmm.  I see.  Interesting," she says in a voice devoid of emotion or understanding.

This sets me off.  She looks like a scientist studying an amoeba.  Why does she have to do that to me?  Why is it that I'm starting to confess the feelings in my heart, and she nods at me like I'm some specimen in a laboratory experiment?  Can't she be a little more sensitive to the things going on in my mind?  Can't she see?  She's supposed to be smart.

I hit the water angrily.  Angry at her, angry at myself for being such a chicken and missing my deadline, and angry at the world for being full of complicated emotions that I can't explain or express.

"Don't give me that look," I growl.

"What look?" she asks innocently, frowning.

"That look," I repeat.

She knows what I'm talking about.

"The look where I've just said something weird and you try to pretend its normal.  That condescending look." 

This is it.  I haven't scored any good points at this crossroad.  I've creeped her out. 

"Miki, I don't think you're weird..." she mumbles.

Great.  So convincing, I think sarcastically.  She could at least try to make up a better way of lying to me.

"Then why do you do that?" I demand.

A change comes over her eyes, and I realise I've angered her.

"I don't know.  How am I supposed to reply to something like that?  I don't exactly have a repertoire of stock phrases in my head," she snaps.  "Don't blame me when you say abnormal things I have no answer for."

That settles it.  She's disgusted.  I don't know what she thinks I feel, but I can tell that I've crossed the line.

Goddamn her and her stupidity.  Why do I have to fall for someone so inept at sensing other people's feelings?  I know I don't show my feelings easily, but she's supposed to be my best friend.  She's supposed to be able to read the things that other people can't see.

Fed up and unable to be in the same room as her, I stand up, grab a towel, and stalk out of the bathroom.  I dry myself quickly and scramble into my clothes.  I'm so angry that I breeze through all of the motions at light speed, and I'm starting to walk off to the door when I feel my bag has been snagged on something.  I turn around to get rid of whatever is holding it back, and I come face-to-face with a towel-clad Aya.  She's holding onto my bag and looking irritated.

"Where are you going?" she demands.

"I'll find some other place to stay," I mutter.

I don't know.  I'll sleep in front of the station.  I just can't be in this room with her.

She looks like she's about to spring forward and fight what I've said, but she suddenly deflates, and she looks down, letting go of my bag.  I'm free to leave.

"Fine, just go," she murmurs.

Guilt washes through me.  She's so tired, probably puzzled by me, and it's her birthday.  I've treated her horribly.  I hesitate and don't leave like I wanted to seconds before.  I look up at her.

"I..."

"Do you always have to react like that when you don't like something?  Is it possible to wait a few minutes and get an explanation for something you might be misinterpreting?" she asks before I can speak.

Not that I have anything good to say.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

That's the only good thing I can think of to say to her.  I'm sorry for so many things.  She shrugs at my apology, and I wonder if it means there's nothing to be sorry about, or that she's not forgiving me.

"But I'm sorry for saying all that stuff in the first place.  It was weird," I admit.

There's nothing I can say to take back what I said.  I've said it, and there was no reason for me to lie to her before.  All I can do now is apologise for its eeriness.

"No, it wasn't," she says.  "Why do you think so?"

Why?  Because everything I do will garner one of two reactions from you.  Creeped out or happy.  There's no way you could be happy about me staring at you while you sleep.

"Because it just is.  I mean, come on.  Staring at you while you sleep?  Don't tell me that doesn't creep you out," I deadpan, turning it into a bit of a light statement with an injection of humour.

"Should it?" she asks.  "It's you.  Not some creep."

"Yeah, but..."

The truth is I don't want to argue her point.  I want to agree and say that she's right.  I'm definitely not some strange prowler that's followed her into her hotel room.  I'm Miki, and staring at her is not meant to be creepy.

But I still don't understand her answer from before.  I drop my bag and look her in the eye.

"What did you mean by your answer, then?"

Stock phrases and abnormal things that I say.  Do I say a lot of abnormal things?  Do I often make her uncomfortable?

"Just that... Well, it's a surprising thing to hear.  I don't mind, Miki.  It's nice and not weird to me at all..."

She trails off, or maybe it's just that I don't listen anymore.  The way she speaks settles my heart.  It tells me that there's something inside her, too, that wants to get out.  Something she wants to say to me.

Just do it, do it, do it... I chant in my head, and so I take a deep breath and hug her carefully.  She twitches, but then realises that it's just me.  She hugs me back.

And then her towel starts to fall.  She catches it before it completely unravels, but it's a bit embarrassing.  I laugh at her, but I'm sure I look embarrassed, too.  I kind of caused that.

"I didn't mean to get angry, but sometimes you can be really frustrating," I tell her.

I say it gently so that she knows I'm not picking a fight.

"...I know," she admits to me.

It makes me feel good to know that she can admit something like that to me.  She's so sure of herself that sometimes it looks like she wouldn't be able to note her own shortcomings.  But she knows she can frustrate me, and she admits it, so I know that she can see her weaknesses.  That makes her stronger, and a stronger Aya is even more lovable.

"But you know better than to get all fiery when I say something questionable," she continues.

I sigh.  I know that.  My temper can flare up at untimely moments, and with her, sometimes I let it loose because she's like family to me.  Just like I have no qualms about having screaming matches with my mom, I have no qualms about letting Aya know I'm pissed off at her.

"It's my nature," I say, and we both roll our eyes because I've used that excuse before.

We both smile at each other, and with that action, all is forgiven.  We don't need to say "I'm sorry" anymore.  Maybe we are kind of telepathic that way.

Then somehow, I start a tickling war.  I push her, she pushes back, and then I jab my fingers into her ribs and push her down onto the bed, intent on making her scream out for mercy.  I just want to touch her in a non-creepy, friendly way because I feel like it.  I want to goof around and have fun because the past few minutes have been serious and uncomfortable.  We need to forget about them.  Laughter is the best medicine.

She shrieks and shrieks, and before long, I have a feeling that I'm going to ruin her vocal cords if I go any further, so I stop to let her catch her breath.  She's crying from laughing so hard, and she wipes the tears away with a mixture of a grimace and a smile on her face.

I stay there on top of her, ready to launch into a second round of tickle torture, when I really take a look at her and see the situation I'm in.  I look at her face and can't help but feel all of those lovely feelings kick in.  I stare at her without reservation.  I don't care if it creeps her out now.  I'm going to have my say and way.

"Well... Anyway... Happy birthday," I say with a small, calm smile.

Something's rumbling under the surface of my skin.

Aya turns her head to the clock and then looks back at me, sticking her tongue out at me.

"It's already the 26th.  It's not my birthday anymore," she informs me.

That's right.  I've missed my midnight deadline.  But that doesn't mean I can't still do this.  I can.

I grin at my confidence.

"Okay.  Happy start of the first full day you'll be nineteen years old," I say, making up a silly congratulatory sentence just to keep me there for a few extra seconds.

Thanks," she replies with a shy smile.

I look down at her and wonder how to start this off.  I know I'm going to.  I can feel it inside me.  It's at the tip of my tongue. 

All of a sudden, I find my head moving down quickly, and I kiss her quickly like I've seen people do in Hollywood movies with good friends, or even family members.  It's always weirded me out a bit to see that, but now it seems like a good excuse here.  If she asks, I'm just imitating all those people on TV.  Not a smart answer, but a good excuse.

She looks back up at me and smiles.  She looks utterly calm.  It's like she knows I'm just being friendly.  I turn a little more serious.  I need her to change that opinion.

So I do it again.  The exact same way, brief and soft.  It can barely even be called a kiss.

We stare at each other, neither one of us smiling anymore.  I can see a question in her eyes.  She's asking me what this means.  She's asking why I'm doing this. 

She wants to know?  I can't find the right words.  They still won't come.  I bend my head down, this time not just brushing my lips against hers, but actually giving the kiss a bit of substance, a bit of depth.

When I pull back, I can feel her heart pounding underneath me.  I can see her trying to evaluate the situation.  Now she knows exactly how I feel and exactly what I want to do.  It's up to her.  This is the final crossroad.  She can either push me off and kick me out, or she can tell me that she likes what's happening.  Either way, it's her call.  I can't do anything but wait.

When she pulls me into her and continues what I've started, I lose it.  I lose my control because finally, I'm getting what I want.  I've asked her a question.  This is her reply.  After months of waiting, endless anxiety over her relationship with Tachibana, and fearing complete rejection, this is the result.  This is my reward.

Perhaps because I'm getting this thing that I've waited so long for, I take it too far and scare her.  I deem her towel to be in the way, so I kind of move it aside.  She doesn't do anything to stop me, which is my excuse that I can keep going.  And while I'm kissing the soft skin of her stomach, she suddenly blurts out, "Have you done this before??"

I come back to Earth, and I can see where I am and what I'm doing.  I sit up quickly and look down at her, frowning.  I know what she's asking. 

"No," I mumble, embarrassed by what she's asking and upset that she has to ask.  "I thought we had no secrets between us.  I would've told you."

"Well, it seems like we kept this all one big secret," she says.

I can almost sense a nervous laugh in her tone.

"That's... that's different..." I mumble.

She puts her hands on my knees.  Maybe to comfort me. 

"I know," she says.

I want to say something, but I don't know what.  I'm in shock.

"Miki-chan, it's ok," she says in an unconvincing voice.  "It's all very weird to me, too."

I look down at her.  She looks confused.  I can't even tell if she's happy or not, such is the amount of uncertainty written on her face.  This angle I'm seeing her from is new and different.  She looks so... so exposed just lying there.  So overpowered.

Oh god.  Is that what I've done?  Tricked her into a tickling match and forced myself on her without giving her a choice?  Fooling her into thinking that she wants to do this with me by buying her off with an expensive birthday gift and then demanding this as payment?

What kind of monster have I become?

"God, what am I doing to you?" I ask aloud in disgust at myself and this whole mess as I jump off of her.  "Oh my god..."

I hear her calling me back, but I just grab my bag and leave.  I can't believe how wretchedly I've acted.  I've lost control on my best friend.  My best friend who has counted on me all this time to be a fine friend.  My friend who has trusted me.

I head in the direction of the elevator, intent on going to sit out by the train station until it opens later in the morning.  I'll get on that shinkansen and not look back.  I'll go back to Tokyo and cut Aya out of my life.  I'll delete her information from my phone, throw out my pictures of her, and send back anything of hers that's at my apartment.

I hear her follow me.

"Miki, wait!"

I ignore her.

"Why are you leaving?  Stop."

Why does she have to make me say it?

"I'm sick, Aya.  This isn't right.  Just leave me alone," I growl back, my sights set on the corner.

Just as I'm about to round it and go to the elevator, she screams, "What the fuck is the matter with you?!"

I freeze in my spot.  She sounds absolutely livid.  And her language... I've never heard her yell at someone like that before.  I can't do anything but stand still, afraid that the world will end if I keep walking and inspire any further wrath from her.

I hear her come right up behind me slowly, and I feel sick at the thought of the tongue-lashing I'm about to get.

"First you drop in unexpected with some mushy reason and a birthday gift, and you act as if it's the most important thing in the world, treating me like a princess.  Then we go out and have a lovely night and get back and take a bath where you throw a fit, I win you back, we get all sexy on the bed," and at this point I grit my teeth and she walks in front of me, "and then you jump up and get mad and leave again.  What the hell?  Are you bipolar?  Do you like me or hate me?"

I meet her eyes and stare back at her, stubbornly refusing to let her confuse me any longer.  This causes her to sigh and throw her hands up in the air as if in defeat.

"I don't know what we're doing either, okay?" she admits.  "But why can't you just go with the flow?  Don't tell me you weren't having fun just now."

She can't really mean that.  Not after what I did to her.  I don't reply and keep my face the way it is, set in its hard expression.

"What is your problem, Fujimoto?  Just tell me."

"My problem?" I growl angrily.  "Is that I like you too much.  And I have for a long time.  Longer than you'd care to know.  And it's all wrong because you don't really like me that way."

There.  I've finally said the words, except it's definitely not how I planned to tell her.  I have wanted the words to be caring and said softly.  The words I have just spoken have been harsh and angry, and they are carried along a note of defeat.

"... How the hell do you know that?  Have I even said anything to you about it yet?"

How can she think she wants me?  Can't she tell that she's been tricked into it?  I haven't meant to manipulate the situation.  It's just unfolded this way.

"No, it's because I made you do those things just now.  I set it up so it would happen." 

The look on her face breaks my heart.  She looks like she's going to throw up.

"What do you mean you set it up?  What are you talking about?"

I glare back.  I guess I'll have to spell it out for her.

"I'm pretty sure if Maki or Yossi had given you that gift and come all the way to see you and sweet talked you like that, you would've been flattered out of your pants, too."

I choose the first two names that come to my mind, but I really could have said anyone.  Maybe I should have dropped Tachibana's name in there to remind her of him and how she fell for him so easily.

Instead of slapping me or doing anything violent like I'm afraid she might, she starts to laugh.  My anger grows.  How can she be laughing at a time like this?  Why is she laughing at me when I've apologised and am clearly on my way out of her life?

"Ew," she says, and I have to agree.  Ew.  "You think I'd do that with those two?  Or anybody else, for that matter?"

Caught unawares, I unclench my jaw and let a bit of softness back into my face.  She wouldn't do that with anyone else?  But does that mean with me... it's okay?

"Miki, I'll tell you one thing right now even though I'm still pretty confused about it all: I wouldn't let anyone - anyone- touch me like that.  Nobody but you."

I must be hearing it all wrong.  She's saying that she doesn't mind that I just jumped her?  Threw myself upon her and didn't let her get up?

But why?  Why me?

"Why?" she asks, voicing my question as though a mind reader.  "I don't know.  I guess I really like you.  A lot."

So it was all in my head?  I just imagined she was creeped out by my earlier actions?  My god...

"But you're confused..." I say.

I feel dumb, but I have to find some sort of excuse for her feeling that way about me.  It's just not possible for her to feel the same way for me as I do for her.  It's too convenient.  Too much of a happy ending.

"Well, of course," she replies.  "You've been confusing me for a while, you know?"

I have?  She's been the one confusing me for a while.

"Every time you do something that I like, I get these strange feelings, and I don't know how to deal with them.  You make me feel things I don't feel when I'm around other people."

She does?  Because... me too.

"I thought it was just because we knew each other very well, but... Obviously I was enjoying our foray into the unknown just now, so I guess it's a little more than just a friend thing, don't you think?"

It occurs to me that she has stolen my moment from me.  All the speeches I've prepared and rehearsed have been rendered useless because she's gone and spilled all her thoughts in a much more elegant way than I ever could.  I hollered angrily at her to tell her I liked her.  She... she just spoke them as if reciting beautiful poetry.

I stay silent, and so does she.  I don't know what to say anymore.

"Come on," she says to me after our moment is over.  "We're waking the other guests."

She turns around and walks away.

This is her test for me.  This is the crossroad that she's set up.  She wants to know whether I'm going to follow or not.

Do I have a choice?  This is Aya.  There's no stopping to think and make a decision.  There is only action.  The right action.

I follow right behind her, and when she reaches for the handle to the door of her room, I quickly put my hand over it to stop her.  We have to clear one thing up.  I need to hear directly that she wants me here tonight despite our arguments and all the harsh words we've exchanged.

"Are you sure you want me to stay here tonight?" I ask in a serious voice.

I realise that by asking, I'm implying that I expect things to happen behind this door.  Things that will have us going down that same path we were on just before I panicked and ran out.  Things we won't be able to escape from in the future should we need or want to.

Aya reaches a hand up and traces a line with her finger from my chin, along my jaw, and to my forehead.

"Are you sure there'll be no more big secrets between us?" she asks me.

No more secrets?  That's a promise I can handle.  I nod and remove my hand from on top of hers, letting her open the door, after which we walk into the room silently.

I place my bag down in the corner and go and sit on the bed.  She follows and sits beside me.

Now what?  How do we get out of this awkward situation we've created?  A promise to not keep secrets means nothing if we feel anxious about being in the same room together.

The solution to our problem comes with Aya's laughter.  She starts to giggle, and I catch her laughing disease and start to giggle, too.

We are so ridiculous.  The things that freeze us up are so trivial.  I'm glad we can recognise that now.

I feel so much better after that release of laughter, and she looks a million times more relaxed.  We lie back on the bed beside each other and study the ceiling.

"I would kill for some strawberry and mango pudding," Aya tells me.

"Mmm.  Give me a piece of chocolate ice cream cake, and I'll be the happiest person in the world," I say, thinking of how nice it would be to bite into a slice of that.

"Or I could go for a caramel.  You know that cheap kind at the supermarket?  Red bean flavour."

I scrunch my nose up at that.

"Ew.  I'll take a package of those chewy strawberry milk candies from Welcia.  You can have the caramels to yourself."

"You only like those because they say 'Hokkaido' on the package in big letters," Aya teases me.

"No I don't," I protest.  "You've tried them and you like them, too.  They're delicious."

"Yeah, okay.  I guess," Aya huffs playfully, giving in.

She rolls onto her stomach just then and puts her arm across my stomach, snuggling into me and making me revert back to my uneasy, awkward self.  I'm not quite used to this yet.  I can see her face, and I see her close her eyes, reminding me that she's just put on two concerts.  I reach up to the little plastic panel above the head of the bed and turn the light off.  We're not exactly dressed for sleep in our street clothes, but I'm too comfortable to care.

"You should get some sleep, Aya," I say soothingly.  "You've been up since... what?  Seven?"

I've been up since half past six, but my work today was far less straining than hers.

"Six," Aya corrects me, her voice muffled by my shoulder.

"Ouch," I say sympathetically.

Aya takes her head off my shoulder and looks up at me through the.  The slightest bit of light comes through the curtains so that I can see her face.  It takes on a mysterious air as her eyes shine intensely.

"But I'm okay," she claims happily.  "I don't feel tired.  I feel, er, energised..."

I imagine she blushes, but I can't see the colour of her face in this lighting.  She quickly puts her face back on my shoulder, and I smile.  Aya's just as shy as I am in this situation.  I have nothing to fear.  We're walking along new ground together.

I gently lift her head off my shoulder and peer into her face.  I miscalculate the distance, because in the dark, I apparently have no depth perception.  Or maybe I do, but I mess up on purpose.  Nevertheless, I find my face much closer to hers than I mean for it to be, and it only takes a slight movement to close the gap that opened between us about twenty minutes ago.

She sighs in relief.  I can tell.  Me, too.  I can't believe any of this is happening, least of all that I'm the one restarting it.

Off come our clothes, and I give into her completely.  Call it a kind of apology for suddenly jumping into things before.  I let her control me, and I love it.  We're both natural born leaders, but she's a natural born leader of girls named Fujimoto Miki, so while I have control of my own mind in all other situations, I'm completely at Aya's mercy whenever she flexes that leadership muscle.  The thought might have scared me once, but now I don't have time to feel scared.  Just a million other fantastic things.

What is happening is a bit wild.  You can tell we're both crazy for each other by the way we simply don't let each other rest. 

And then much, much later (I'm not in the right mind to check when), it's time to stop and go to sleep.

High from a flood of hormones coursing through my body, I clutch her to me firmly.  I momentarily close my eyes, waiting for my breath to even out and slow down.

I'm not ready to fall asleep yet.  I am overcome with drowsiness, but what I have to say is far more important, for at this moment, I grasp the scope of what I'm in, what has happened, and what will happen after tonight.  I want Aya to know everything about me.  She's asked for there to be no more secrets between us, and we've shared just about everything else that we possibly can.  I feel that I need to take the first step in breaking down and passing through the final barrier that remains between us.

I open my eyes, and still hugging her to me closely, I put my mouth right near her ear so that she can feel my words as well as hear them.  I begin to talk in a whisper in an unprecedented spilling of all my thoughts.  I have not considered saying all these things until this very moment.

I tell her a bunch of things that might be considered pointless but that I want her to know regardless.  I save the most important things for last.  She doesn't speak a word while I have the floor.

I finally start the latter part of my speech with a painful topic.

"I've been raving jealous of Tachibana since you met him," I say.

She still says nothing and listens.

"I wanted you to look at me the way I imagined you looked at him.  I hated him because I thought he took you away from me.  He had something I wanted."

I pause to let the next thoughts form in my mind.

"I've been trying to tell you how I feel since you broke up with him, and I came so close so many times.  That's why I've been getting angry or nervous around you.  It's been anger towards me, not you," I say, but I quickly reconsider it.  "Well, I got angry at you for not being able to figure me out, but now I realise that maybe you did.  I think maybe you knew this was coming.  That this would happen eventually."

She still doesn't speak, but I can see flickers of affirmation in her eyes as she thinks about the events I'm describing.

"I hate it when I become weak.  I mean, there are other things in me that I dislike, but it all boils down to weakness, I think.  And mine isn't a regular weakness.  It's a despicable one.  Nothing honourable about it.  And I also hate how I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, especially around you."

Silence.  She lets me regroup.

"When I first met you, your presence struck me as... I don't know... so definite.  There was no doubt that you were there.  I was scared that maybe you wouldn't be as nice as the person you acted like while in the spotlight, but I found that you were even nicer.  To me, at least," I finish that sentence with a little laugh.  "I was happy that we became friends, and that was fine for a long while.  But then I started to think of you too much.  It scared me so much that I tried to ignore it, though when Tachibana came around, I had to admit to myself that I was in love with you.  You know that, right?  That I'm in love with you?  That I have been for a long time?  I think you've know."

Her eyes glitter with words unspoken.  I think she agrees with me.

"When I was thirteen," I continue in a completely different vein, "I had a fight with my best friend.  We didn't talk for four days.  When we spoke again, we couldn't remember or care what the fight had been about.  To this day, I don't remember.  But it really affected me back then, and I think it changed how I viewed my friends.  I started treating them better.  That's why I am the way I am with the special, close friends I have now, including you.  I cherish all of you because good friends are hard to find, and I know that you're all on my side.  It takes a while for me to build up that trust.  I've been hurt by people close to me."

I loosen my hold on her a slight bit just to give her free reign to move if she needs to, but she lies there waiting to hear what else I have to say.

"Some of the guys I've dated," I start, uncomfortable about bringing the subject up while I am where I am, "I've really liked.  A lot.  But a few of them hurt me tonnes in the end.  Not all of them, though," I add quickly as to not paint a gloomy picture of my love life.

I haven't been kicked around in all my relationships since I was born.  I'm not one of those ill-fated girls.  Far from it.  However, I have had a few knocks here and there.

"But it's always been the ones that I've been most head over heels about that have hurt me the most.  I don't know why.  I'm sure it boils down to my tastes and what I find attractive in a guy."

I'm about to go off topic here.  I'm sure she doesn't want to hear all about my past love life.  I mean, I've told her about it before, although not in detail.  Casual "yeah, I've had a few boyfriends, and two were nice but the rest were jerks" types of conversations.

I look at her face, but the expression hasn't changed.  She looks like she really wants to hear everything that I have to say.  It's amazing.  If I was the one listening now and she was talking about Tachibana, I would have thrown a pillow over her face at the first mention of his name.  I'm still a little sore about that, but I guess that's between me and him, not me and her.

"But I have to say one more thing, and that's that what I feel for you is twenty billion times what I've ever felt for anybody else."

Again, no reaction, but I can see that in her eyes, she doesn't looked frightened.  She might think I'm exaggerating or she might feel the same.  Either way, it doesn't matter.  I have to say it.

"And I know that you're a good person.  So I'm going to trust you completely with everything about me from now on.  I've made mistakes before, but I know that you're not a mistake.  I'm going to protect this thing that we have.  It's valuable beyond belief.  You just... um, you make me happy."

I pause, wondering if there's anything left.

There's nothing.  I can't think of anything else to say to her.

I feel surprisingly light.  I don't feel ashamed or exposed from spilling so many of my deep thoughts in such a short amount of time.  I'm relieved.  Now Aya knows all about me.  If she wants to shift away from me, she can.  If she wants to stay, all the better.

I move my head away and rest it on the pillow, closing my eyes in peace.  I haven't felt this clear in years.

Aya then runs a hand through my hair, stroking my head without a word.  I smile with my eyes still closed.  She can see my smile.  I know it.  And I imagine her smiling back at me.  She reaches down and grabs a hold of the sheets, covering the both of us.  She then settles down right against me.

I know that what I've said has gotten to her.  She doesn't say anything, but the feeling I get is that she's relieved, too.  My saying all these things to her has made it clear where I stand in this life of mine.  She no longer has to worry or question what I'm thinking, because she's been told and she will continue to be told from now on.  I sense that she wants to be here just as much as I do.  She hasn't said it directly.  She hasn't told me that she loves me or wants to be by my side forever and all that.  She has, however, treated me kindly, lovingly, even protectively, and she hasn't pushed me away in a creeped out and disgusted rage.

With us, we don't need as many words as other people do.  One look can do the trick.  One touch, too.  She's given me so many more indications than that.  I'd be a blind fool not to know what she feels.

I imagine putting my ear on the left side of her chest to listen to her heartbeat.  I'm too spent to actually move and do it, but with my words and my actions, and with her decision to stay by my side, it's been proven that I've passed the barrier and turned left into her heart.

There is no other way to go but forward.  From now on, though, we will walk together.

-The Beginning.

(-The end of story 10)

[OTN1]

Why?  (Friday's Children are Certainly Full of Woe)
Alternate story.  Story 10

Part One

In a high-rise building overlooking Shibuya, a rare interview is taking place.  The interviewer, a young upstart named Miyauchi who has just graduated from a prestigious journalism school, has been assigned the task of interviewing a selection of celebrities who are involved in a company that is yet again the target of gossip and scandalous writings.  To be more precise, Miyauchi has been charged with the task of finding out what fellow Hello!Project members have to say about the scandal that Morning Musume leader Fujimoto Miki is currently embroiled in.  One interviewee has piqued Miyauchi's interest, however, and he secretly (not to mention immorally) records the interview.


Miyauchi: What did you think when you heard about Fujimoto Miki-san's scandal?

Matsuura: [Freezes in the middle of fixing her hair] Well, of course I was surprised at first.  I mean, I found out through a co-worker who called to ask if I knew anything since Miki-chan and I are known to be close.  It was the first I'd heard of the scandal.  It was Saturday afternoon.  No, not afternoon.  Just before noon, I think.  Maybe around 11:30am.

Miyauchi: Were you aware of the relationship between Fujimoto-san and Shouji-san?

Matsuura: [Glowers] I knew they had met, but I wasn't aware of this non-stop three day love getaway, or whatever they're calling it.

Miyauchi: [Coughs nervously] Oh, I see.  So you mean to tell me that you did not know that Shouji-san was Fujimoto-san's boyfriend?

Matsuura: [Nods] That's right.

Miyauchi: [Crosses legs and leans back into chair] Does this mean that the publicised friendship between you and Fujimoto-san isn't an accurate depiction of your real relationship with each other?  If you two are close friends, shouldn't you be aware of such a large detail of Fujimoto-san's personal life?

Matsuura: [Darkly] One would think I'd be.  Wouldn't you agree?

Miyauchi: [Shifts in seat nervously]

Matsuura:  To answer your question in a little more detail, no, we really are close friends, so I'd say that our publicised friendship is more or less an accurate depiction of our relationship.

Miyauchi: [Interrupts] More or less?

Matsuura: [Glares and repeats resolutely] More or less.

Miyauchi: [Nods weakly]

Matsuura: And so now you can imagine why I was so surprised to find out that Miki-chan indeed had a boyfriend.

Miyauchi: Err... So... What does this mean between the two of you?  Is this the end of not just Fujimoto-san's career, but also her friendship with you?

Matsuura: [Holds head up high] I don't think that's something the public needs to know.  We're dealing with it privately.  I'm sorry, but are we done here?  I have an appointment.

Miyauchi: [Sweats] Um... yes.  We're through.  Thank you for your time, Matsuura-san.

Matsuura: [Politely but brusquely] Don't mention it.

[Tape ends here]

An hour later, Miyauchi makes a call and checks in with his employer.

"I couldn't glean much about the Fujimoto-Shouji scandal case from Matsuura-san, although Fujimoto-san's attention to complete secrecy is quite evident.  Not even her supposed best friend knew of her relationship with Shouji-san.  I have an appointment with Takahashi Ai-san later this evening, but I have a feeling we won't find out much from her either."

He is silent as he listens to his boss' opinion.

"Yes, that's true, sir, and I'll get on it.  However, if you wish for me to also pursue this secondary scandal story - the dissolution of GAM's friendship - I have enough to get started on it..."

Miyauchi is silent for another few seconds.

"I'm sorry, from whom, sir?"

More boss talking.

"Occhi?  It doesn't ring a bell."

More boss talking.

"She requested?"

Boss.

"Ah, I see.  A connection.  Got it."

Boss.

"Ah, right.  I understand, sir.  Higher ups are higher ups, after all."

Disgruntled boss.

"Um, yes, sir, I'd like to keep my job.  I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean anything like that at all.  As far as I know it, you're at the top with them."

Placated boss.

"I understand, sir.  No GAM stories because of that, um, what'shername-san.  Got it."

Boss.

"Yes, sir!  I'll check in after Takahashi-san."

Boss.

"Goodbye."

And now it's time for this part of the story to end and another more important one to begin.

[OTN1]

Part Two


Later that evening, I sit in a café.  It's storming outside, a sign of the rainy season that's just around the corner.

The owner and manager, Ochiai, comes out to welcome me after one of the regular servers goes to the back to inform her I've arrived, but she must see the look on my face because she settles for simply nodding her head at me and slipping back into the kitchen.

My face is darker than the storm cloud-covered sky that has hovered over Tokyo the whole day.

Almost two years and then this.

Hell, more than two years.  How long have we known each other?  Add on a few years.

It's going to be my birthday in a month.

My birthday....

In Kobe two years ago...

I remain still as the anger in me builds up.  I want to put on a perfect front of calmness because I have yet to find out any real information.

I lied in the interview this morning.  I said Miki and I were dealing with this blow to our friendship, but the truth is that we haven't spoken about it.  I sent her an e-mail yesterday asking her what Friday was all about, and she sent me back an e-mail saying she needed to talk to me.  She suggested our usual haunt - Terrace Café.

So here I am.

Miki has some sort of boyfriend?  It can't be.  Last I checked, she was swooning over me.  And I over her.  We were happy and making it work.  For two years.

For two freaking years.

Therefore, the magazine has to be wrong.  The article has to be all wrong.  It wasn't Miki they saw.  Or it's all been made up.  Or... or else it's completely true, and my best and closest friend in the world is not the person I thought she was.  I thought she was honest with me. 

I sit and fume silently.

I'm going to have to watch her carefully from the moment she walks in.  She's so good at hiding her thoughts and feelings, and while I thought I was so good at figuring them all out, now I've worried myself into thinking that I'm not as skilled as she is.  She may have been hiding all sorts of things without my noticing for the past... who knows how long.  How long has she been seeing him?  If it's true that there's something going on between them, that is.  How come I never noticed before?  If.  If it ends up being true.

The door opens and a familiar figure walks in.  She has her head bowed down as she looks at the door and closes it behind her.  She turns around and raises her eyes to take in the cafe, searching for someone.  Me, of course.

She spots me immediately.  She averts her eyes quickly and puts her umbrella in the umbrella holder at the front entrance.  She then walks over to my table, making a show of wiping off any stray raindrops that have fallen past her umbrella and onto her clothes.  I can tell it's an act so that she doesn't have to look at me.

I fix her with a solid look, and when she finally meets my eyes, I can see apprehension in hers as clear as the sunny day that preceded this stormy one.  To her credit, though, she doesn't break our eye contact until she sits down and looks up at the server who has appeared by her side and is handing her a menu.

"Thank you," she says politely, and the server walks off looking concerned, no doubt feeling the tension that has suddenly increased in the room upon Miki's arrival.

Miki gives the menu a cursory glance and then puts it down.  She looks at the table and sees that I'm drinking iced tea.  She doesn't make any motion to order a drink.  I guess I'll be footing my own bill.  No problem.

I stare at her, but she just looks down at her hands, which are neatly folded on the surface of the table immediately in front of her.  Her nails are neatly done.  I take a look at the rest of her.  Her clothes are sharp, although a little wrinkled.  She must have been busy with work-related things.  Filming or interviews or press conferences or whatever.  I have no clue. 

"So, you and Shouji-san, huh?" I open up.

My voice comes out sounding far too bitter.  Far too sarcastic.  It's laced with poison that I didn't even know I was capable of producing in my own body.

She looks up at me sharply.

"Tomo-kun is..."

Tomo-kun, I think.  So that's what she calls him.  Pretty stupid if you ask me.  Sounds girly.  Not that I should talk.

I cough to clear my throat of that bitter taste that has been there for two days.

"Miki," I start, testing my voice and glad to hear that it's expressionless.  "I've seen the news and all the other crap that they've been saying the past two days.  I've even done an interview about it, which was an unbelievably embarrassing blow to both you and me and our public friendship.  So I'm just going to ask you once.  What's going on?"

I count the seconds that pass.  She looks down at a spot on the table, focusing on it intently, not letting up her determination for anything.  I can't even tell if she's breathing.

I count one hundred and twenty-four seconds go by.

"I do know him, and we did spend those three days together," she utters, the volume of her voice so low that I can barely hear her.

I wait for her to continue, but she doesn't.

"And?" I ask, pressing her to speak some more.

I'm not going to jump to conclusions.  I've watched too many movies where at this point in the story, the victimised person bounces to her feet, slaps her companion, and screams accusations of infidelity, while her companion sits there, astonished, assaulted, and left without a chance to give his perfectly reasonable and truthful excuse that would make everything better.

Another thirty seconds pass, and when I think she's not going to say anything, she looks up at me, fear in her eyes.  Is it fear because she thinks she's done something wrong?  Or fear for her safety?  Does she think I'm going to get mad at her and do something outrageous?

"The things that they're saying are, uh, kind of true."

Oh.

I feel like I'm floating on a cloud.  Birds are singing in my head, chirping sweet songs to their cousins and neighbours.  Down below, I see elementary school children playing in a park, and I spin around idly and think about cotton candy and ice cream.

Ain't life grand?

"So you and Shouji-san, huh?" I ask, my voice distant and calm as I unwittingly repeat what I first said to her.

She looks up at me, and the fear in her eyes has grown.  She stays silent.  She knows that I've interpreted correctly what she's telling me.

"Well, good luck with him," I smile.

I stand up and drop a bill on the table to cover the cost of my iced tea.  Matsuura Aya never has any debts, after all.

My one purpose in life becomes to walk out of that café without any reaction at all.  To stay completely calm, even to smile as I nod goodbye to the server who will hurry over to bid me farewell.

And I do.  I nod at the server who scurries over nervously, and I slip out the door.  I neglect to pick up my umbrella.  Who needs an umbrella?  Humans are seventy percent water, right?  I'll be in my element.

I walk right into the storm, a strange ringing in my ears.  I can't even hear the rain.  I see a flash of lightning and feel the rumble of thunder that follows it, but it doesn't really register any further than that.  They are occurrences that don't concern me.

I walk in the opposite direction of the train station, going somewhere else, although I don't know where.

The further away I walk from the café and Miki, the more detached I feel from my life.  So much so that I could jump in front of a speeding train and I wouldn't feel any pain.  I'm so numb that now I'm not sure if I'm breathing.

I walk headlong into a tree, and that's what wakes me up.

I'm in a deserted park.  The rain is coming down in sheets so thick that I can't see a few metres ahead of me.  I'm drenched, not a centimetre of me spared.

I reach up and touch my face to make sure it's still there.  It's wet with rain, but it feels peculiarly hot.  I have to keep blinking.  Rain is getting in my eyes and irritating them.  It burns and I can't see clearly.  Too much rain.  Too much... rain?  No, it's not rain.  Those are tears.

I'm crying.  Crying very hard and very loudly.

Without a thought for my clothes, I kneel down beside the tree that I just walked into, and tears pour out of my eyes.  I sob out incoherent words.  I mumble Miki's name and ask why over and over and over again.  I claw at the muddy ground on either side of my knees, my fingers sinking deeply into the earth.

Why has she done this to me?  She's lied to me.  She's thrown away everything we're supposed to have together.

I never expected this from her.  Not her.  Not the girl who, on that hot day two summers ago, had confided in me all her secrets.  The one who had told me that she had been hurt before but that she trusted me not to hurt her.

She knows how it feels to be betrayed.  So why has she done it to me??

"I hate you!" I scream into the rain, and I let out more sobs that threaten to cut off my air supply.

I don't mean that.  I don't hate her.  If I hated her, I wouldn't be reacting like this.  I wouldn't feel so heartbroken.

But I want to hate her.  I don't even want an explanation.  What is there to explain?  She went behind my back with someone else, all the while snuggling up to me and telling me she thought of nobody but me.  I can't believe I let her do that.  Or maybe I can't believe that I didn't see it happening.

I'm the world's biggest idiot.  The world's biggest loser.  I've been humiliated in so many ways.  I've been violated.  I've been broken.  Trampled on.  Shot through the heart.

So here I kneel, utterly helpless, rain and tears streaming down my face, no will to go on anymore. 

And the worst thing about it?

I have to suffer through it all alone.

[OTN1]

Part Three

Fuck.

Crapcrapcrap!!

What have I done??

That's all I can think as Aya smiles at me calmly and walks out of the cafe, displaying a devil-may-care attitude that gives me chills.

It all started ten months ago when I met Tomo-kun.  He was funny and entertaining.  He made me laugh.  We exchanged e-mail addresses just to keep in touch.  He seemed like a good and interesting guy to know.

A month and an inbox full of mail later, we started to hang out.  Just going for coffee here or there when we had twenty minutes to spare.  Nothing serious, although we were well aware of the potential reporters hidden around us in plain sight.  We always made sure to be careful about where we went.

It was all innocent and harmless.  We were just becoming friends.

The thing that I know I did that was questionable was that I didn't tell Aya a thing.  When we went to bed and talked about what we did all day, I never mentioned that I met him for coffee.  I never mentioned that he and I exchanged long e-mails every day.

Why?  Because I loved (and still love) her way too much to worry her over something that shouldn't be worried over.

Then one day he invited me to go over to his apartment.  I went, and while he was showing me some of his paintings around the house, he suddenly turned around and kissed me.  My world was turned upside down because I really liked it.

I freaked out a bit, though, because I'd only known him for a little over a month.  No, that's my front.  Of course it was because I had Aya, with whom I was perfectly happy.  He didn't know about her, though, so he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong.

The next day, he sent me a long e-mail apologising for scaring me and saying that he'd still like to be friends.  He promised to never do anything like that again.

That's what made me fall for him.

I agreed to meet him again, and so we had coffee.  We then went back to his place, and this time I made the first move and kissed him.  He was surprised, but happily so.

We didn't go that far at all for a while.  We just acted like we were fifteen years old, holding hands and making out on the couch, but eventually it got serious.

Two things of interest to note.

One was that I kept it all a secret.  Aya didn't know about him, and he didn't know about Aya.  He never questioned the time I spent with her.  She never suspected that on the days I didn't spend the night with her, I was with him.

The second is that I was (and still am) massively in love with her.  But I like Tomo-kun, too.

So that leads me to the here and now.  I just want to be with them both.

Aya is like my safety net.  My security blanket.  But an exciting one!  One that keeps me guessing.  One that knows me inside out and backwards.  One that knows exactly what to do to please me or annoy me.  Always there for me.  Always my pillar of strength.  My inspiration.  My idol.  So adorable when she tries to be funny, because she's really not cut out for the kind of humour her fellow Kansai  mates are seemingly born to produce.

But Tomoharu... He's new.  He's different.  He's funny.  He treats me in a silly way, but respects me like mad.  With him, I feel like a flirty high school girl.  He's such a gentleman.  He holds doors for me, and I actually like it.

What the hell?!  How can I be in love with two people at the same time?  And two people who are opposites in every way imaginable!

I know that what I've done is wrong, and I know that I should have come forward and admitted to Aya what I was doing.  I should have gotten her forgiveness early on, forgotten about Tomo-kun before I really fell for him, and gone back to my happy life with her.

But that fresh and new something in him tempted me far too much, and...

Now I'm ruined.

I don't care what happens to my job.  I've been getting sick of being UFA's lackey, and I've been sensing that the ship is about to start its painful descent into oblivion.

I do care what happens to my personal relationships.

Ever since Aya's nineteenth birthday, my fear has been a scandal involving me and her.  I never imagined that I'd first be involved in a scandal with some comedian I met by chance at a television studio.

I want to explain it to her, though.  I want to tell her that I have never stopped thinking about her.  That everything I've said to her the past two years is true.  Each time I've said "I love you", I've meant it even more than the last.

As for Tomo-kun... I have to tell him about Aya.  About me and her.  As painful and as awkward as it will be, I have to be entirely honest with him.

If I was an optimist, I'd think that I could explain things to both of them and then choose one to stay with.  The one that was least pissed off with me.

But I'm an realist (usually), and I think that neither of them are going to be too pleased with me.  If anything, though, Tomo-kun will be the lesser of the offended.

But I don't want to have to choose him.  Not after seeing Aya in such a shocked state that all she could do was smile in the wake of such terrible and life-destroying news.  I feel like I have to dedicate the rest of my pathetic life to making it up to her.

Then what am I waiting for?

I spring up from my seat, running by the server that has just seen Aya out and yelling something about money on the table.  She'll get the point.

Just like Aya, I leave my umbrella behind.  There's no time for that.  I look around wildly, but I don't see her on the street.

I'm about to give up when the door to the cafe opens and the server pops her head out.

"She went that way," she says, pointing in the opposite direction the station.

She must have seen what way Aya turned after stepping out. 

"Thanks!" I exclaim gratefully to the observant girl as I take off sprinting.

The surface of the street is slick with rain and devoid of pedestrians.  Nobody - even people with full rain gear - dares to brave this storm.  But I don't care.  I'm soaked within thirty seconds, but finding Aya is more important.

However, I do slow down to a slight jog because I keep slipping.  Also, if I'm going too quickly, I might run right by her.

As I scour the streets for her, I think of what I can possibly say to start making things better.  I guess I have to start with an apology.  But that's not going to be good enough.  Not even close.  After saying "I'm sorry", I'll be at a loss.

Then I see her.  She's backing away from a tree in a tiny park.

What is she doing??

I carry on at a fast but cautious walking pace.

I watch with a heavy heart as she kneels down in the dirt and starts to cry.

So this is her true reaction.  It has hit her now.

I move in closer.

Her skirt is getting muddy.  I wish she'd stand up again.  I can't bear to see her like this, getting dirty, crying, and looking helpless.

"I hate you!" I hear her scream clearly above the tumultuous roar of the rain and the wind.

The words stab me in the chest like no other words before.  She has every right to say and mean them.  I've hurt her.  I've shredded her trust to pieces and thrown them to the dogs.

But I want her to know that it's not what I wanted to do.  It just got out of my control.  I made stupid mistakes.  I got a bit confused.

I watch her mumble things that I can't hear, her face contorted in the most painful display of sadness I have ever seen.

I feel my eyes start to burn, and I swallow down my own tears.

I have no right to cry.  I've been selfish and idiotic.  I've thrown her away.  Nobody's hurt me.  This time I'm the one who has hurt the people I care about.  I don't deserve to cry and be pitied.

I walk to her slowly, terrified of what her inevitable reaction to me will be.  I fear serious bodily harm.

And then I find myself standing in front of her.  She's got her face covered by her muddy hands.

"Aya..." I mumble under my breath.

My words are carried away by the wind.  She hasn't heard me.

"Aya," I say a little more loudly.

She takes her hands away from her face, and when she sees me, the hatred in her eyes can't be mistaken for anything else. 

Regardless, I kneel down in front of her.  I want to wipe away the spots of mud that stick to her skin, but touching her wouldn't be a bright move.

"I'm sorry."

She looks right through my face.  I don't know if she's heard me.

"Aya-chan, I'm sorry," I repeat.

"Leave me alone," she utters in a blank tone.

"Can't I talk to you for a minute?" I ask.

She shakes her head.

"I don't want to hear any lame excuses.  Just stand up and get the hell away from me," she says, her words carrying a wild bite meant for my jugular.

"Please, Aya," I plead.

Her face is a stone when she looks up at me, and it tells me to leave or she'll get physical about it.  I don't doubt it, but she can kick and punch me as much as she wants.  I'm not going to give up.

"I've never stopped loving you, and that's the truth," I tell her in a soft voice that has just enough volume so that she can hear over the storm.

She breaks down crying again.  I take this as my cue to reach out and hug her.  She pushes me away violently, but I expect that to happen, so I just hold her tightly.

"Stop it!" she cries.

I don't let go.

"Stop!" she repeats again.

I tighten my hold on her, putting my head on her shoulder.

"Stop..." she mumbles, but she stops struggling, her voice losing its power.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper into her ear.  "I'm so sorry, Aya."

She tries one more time to pull out of my embrace, but all her strength seems to have left her body.

"I'm sorry," I repeat again and again, and she just cries, her head hanging over my shoulder.

"Please," she manages to sob out.

"Please what?" I ask.

"...don't..."

Don't?  Don't hug her?  Don't stay?  Don't leave?

"Don't what?" I ask gently, not wanting to set her off.

"D-don't- don't say you're s-sorry," she says between gasps of air.

I instinctively rub her back even though I know that more contact between us might make her get serious about trying to push me away.  However, years of experience comforting her has built up automatic reactions in me, and this is just one of them.

"But I am.  I can't believe I did this to you," I respond.

"Why did you do it?" she asks.

I wince.  At least she's talking to me.  The problem is that I don't know what to say.

"Would you believe me if I told you I was lost?" I try.

I can feel her shake her head.

"Aya, I was confused.  It was all new with him, and it just unfolded that way."

That's got to be the lamest thing a cheater has ever said to the person who has been wronged.

She pulls away from my arms, but not in a rough way.  I let her go because it doesn't feel like she's about to run.

"If you were bored with me, you should've said something," she says, her tone angry, her face hurt.

I put my hands on her shoulders, but she flinches away, so I take my hands away.

"No, I've never gotten bored of you.  He was just different, and I enjoyed his company."

"I can't believe it, Miki.  I just..." she breaks off as a lump of tears seem to come out of her eyes and spill down her cheeks, although with all the rain still falling, it's hard to tell. 

"I made a mistake in judgement and I hurt you.  But you have to know that I still love you.  Even more than ever.  You know that.  I know you do."

I'm bluffing.  I have no idea if she thinks I still love her.  But it's the truth.

"I know!" she yells at me, suddenly clenching her fists.  "And I hate you!!"

I flinch, but when I look at her eyes, they betray the opposite of her harsh statement.  Those aren't eyes full of hatred.  Sure she's sad, hurt, and angry, but she doesn't hate me.  She's disappointed because she is looking at someone that she loves, but that someone has fallen from grace.

"You don't mean that," I say, and for some reason, the tears that I swallowed down earlier have resurfaced, and they start to climb down my cheeks slowly.

"No, but I wish I did," she hisses.

A loud clap of thunder that shakes the ground makes us jump, but we don't laugh like we normally would.

"Can you forgive me?" I ask, even though it's not the right place in the conversation to insert such a request.

"No," she replies in the same voice without thinking.

"Can you give me a chance?" I beg.

Her hesitation to reply gives me hope.  It means that she's listening to what I'm saying and thinking about it hard.

"How can I?" she asks, all the malice in her voice gone again to be replaced by weakness.  "You've betrayed my trust.  You've ruined the entire foundation that you and I stood on.  You killed my heart.  I'm so... so embarrassed."

I sniff and scream at myself in my head for my tears to stop.  She's going to get angry at me for crying.  I don't deserve to cry.

"I'm sorry," I babble.

I'm starting to see the futility of my actions.  We're going to go round and round and spar with our words, never reaching a conclusion that either one of us are satisfied with.

"I'm sorry," I repeat, and I stand up.

To my surprise, Aya looks up at me, slightly startled.

"If you don't want to listen to what I have to say, just tell me.  I'll leave you alone," I say, defeated.

Another crack of thunder tears through the city, but this time neither of us jumps.  We're locked in a battle of monumental proportions.  A battle of two wills that are so stubborn that no good can come out of it.

Aya is the first to break and look away.  She looks at her dirtied hands and wipes them on her skirt.  She then stands up and faces me squarely, looking back into my eyes.  She looks serious.  A bit like when she's on stage and she's just about to start a song that means a lot to her.

"I'm going to give you one shot to talk, and that's only because we've known each other for the amount of time we have.  I hate what you've done to me, Fujimoto Miki, and I'm not going to forgive you.  But if it'll clear some of the air between us, then by all means, talk.  And make it good."

I can't believe she's going to give me a chance to explain myself.  Not that I have anything to say beyond what I've already said, but at least there's hope.

"But let's get out of the rain because I'm highly uncomfortable," she says.

She turns away and starts to walk to the main street.  I follow quickly, wondering where we're going to go.

We walk like that the whole way.  Aya in front, me trailing behind, and no talking.  Just before we hit the main road, Aya turns around to me.

"I want us to be clear on something.  You are a liar and a terrible person.  I can't believe that I've been blind for however long you've been going around behind my back like that.  I'll never forget what you've done to me.  I'll never forgive you.  Never.  You disgust me.  Clear?"

I nod in shock, and when she turns around and starts to walk again, I clench my fist as more tears spill out my eyes.

I know that she means it.  No matter how many times I apologise and show her that I can be trusted, she'll never be able to forget this.  She'll hold it against me for the rest of her life, and if I should die before her, not even that will thaw out her heart and let her forgive me.

Well, there you go, Fujimoto.  You've gone and done it again.  Ruined a perfectly good thing.

You stupid screw-up.

-The end of story 11

[OTN1]

Why?  II (Friday's Children are Certainly Full of Woe)
Alternate story.  Story 11

One - Prelude

I stare at the old, dog-eared photograph in my hand.  I haven't looked at it in a long time.  Years, I believe.  It's the same as I remember it.  Maybe a little gloomier.
No, that's probably just my mood at the moment.

It's been about ten years, I think, addressing the subject of the picture in my mind.  Ten years since we last spoke to each other.

I sigh and put the photo back in the folder I keep it stored in, burying it in the back of the drawer with the small pile of things to which I've attached the invisible and fitting label of "memories".

I sit and wonder what she's doing now.  I look at my watch.  Probably still at the post office.  There was a long line up and she was near the back of it when I saw her.

When I saw her.  I saw her just now.  Not twenty minutes ago.  At the post office near my new apartment complex.  After ten years.  She has no way of knowing I live in this neighbourhood now, so her visit must have been unplanned.  It couldn't have possibly been an attempt to make herself seen by me.  To rub in my face what we've lost.  No.  What I've lost.

I wonder what she does these days.  She quit the business a few years after we stopped talking.  The reason she gave to the public and her fans was that she wanted to concentrate on her life and starting a family.  Now whenever her name comes up in the news, it's a sighting of her with a man or with a child, and there is no lack of fervent speculation as to what it all means.  She's done an excellent job avoiding the press and prying eyes.  Nobody really knows what her situation is.  Is she married?  Does she have a child?  What does she do for a living?

She's a mystery and will remain a mystery to the end.  Even to me.  I used to be the closest thing to her.  Closer to her than her own skin.  But that all changed.  Mistakes were made and there was no returning to a normal life after that.

The way in which she got angry at me... It still chills my blood to think about it.  To see the look on her face when she sat me down in that café and asked me to tell her the truth.  The way she cried and yelled later in the rain.  And then it was like a light switch was turned off, and she became a blank piece of paper to me.  She shut me out completely and didn't let me know what she was thinking.  We went somewhere to talk - another café - and I explained things to her, and she sat there, not protesting, not crying, not giving me dirty looks.  When I was done, she said that she didn't want to talk to me ever again, and she said it in the calmest voice I've ever heard her use.  Then she stood up and left, leaving me to pay the bill.

Of course that wasn't the last time we talked.  Work called for us to talk.  But just barely.

I got kicked out of Hellopro for having a boyfriend for ten months while I'd had Aya for two years, but not before some super-tense meetings.  Aya was at some of them, and we had to be civil to one another.  Being in the Project hadn't taught us nothing.  We were good actors when we needed to be, and so we used that skill around each other.

I got chewed out by various authorities, and even Tsunku expressed his concern.

What a hypocrite.  He was always telling me he wanted me to be happy.  When he told me he was going to allow me and Aya to work together, he said it was to make us happy.  And then when I was photographed and stuck in a magazine without my permission, he got angry and told me I should be more serious, take responsibility, and not hurt those around me.

Come to think of it, maybe he knew about Aya and me.  Maybe he got defensive because he always liked her better.  That was no secret.  Aya could do no wrong in his eyes.  She was the perfect example of how he wanted his students to turn out.  I never had a problem with this, even though it left me with an inferior position as the slightly off-kilter sister who was just one point shy of matching the star.  I honestly didn't care what he thought.  All I cared about was what I thought and what Aya thought.  But if his adoration for that girl was the reason why he was so strict with my punishment, then I had to raise the "it's not fair" flag.  He probably couldn't stand to see her heart broken, and so he took revenge in her place.  He dealt me the ultimate blow.  He cut me from the roster.  He fired me.

And one of these days, I'm going to have to stop being so paranoid.  Tsunku probably didn't know about me and Aya, and even if he did, he was too much in love with money to bother with petty revenge.  The truth was that he saw that I was no longer of financial use to the Project, and so he cut me loose.

I drifted around after that trying to find work.  I found some here and there.  It seems like I still had marketable potential.  But the big companies I could have gone to didn't want me.  I wasn't fresh meat.  People knew my name, and I already had a reputation.  They preferred introducing new talent to an unsuspecting audience, not re-using other companies' leftovers.

So now I work for a magazine.  I'm not even sure what my official job description is, but it keeps me busy and amused.  Of all the people to work for, I work for Michishige Sayumi.  At first I refused to work for her, but when I couldn't find anything better, I figured I could just treat her the same as I always did and I could get away with it because we were old comrades who worked side-by-side on a battlefield long ago.

I was pretty much right.  Shige lets me trample all over her playfully, and she keeps telling me she's the cutest thing on Earth.  She certainly is cute, but I'm never going to admit to her that I agree with her.  She never uses her position as owner of the magazine to force me into submission.  She listens to my suggestions and lets me speak honestly with no holds barred.  I guess my job description could be aptly put as "Boss' Right Hand Man".  Not her secretary.  I have a lot of say in what goes into our weekly publication.  I attend meetings and meet high-profile people.  I make big decisions all on my own.  I only make tea for myself (and sometimes Shige if it's cold out and I feel sorry for her).  Not bad for a girl who only finished high school.

I work all day, but when I come home, I revert to an unprofessional me.  I sit around, read, listen to music, eat, and do normal things just like everyone else does.

Unlike today.  Today I took the day off.  This morning I went shopping and then to the post office.   That's how I was happened to see her.  I got home at twelve-fifteen and am now sitting here.  I haven't prepared anything for lunch yet, although I know I should.  Instead, I'm sitting on my bed looking at a picture of a girl I knew ten years ago.  A girl I haven't seen in all those ten years.  A girl who I keep trying to forget about.  There have been things that have helped me erase those memories, but every once in a while there's something that reminds me.

I sigh.  The front door opens and I wince.  I should have gotten something for lunch. 

"I'm home," says a voice.

I smile.  This is probably my favourite thing.  Those rare days meet up at home for lunch on a week day.  It happens maybe once every year if we're lucky.  I lean back and wait.  I hear soft footsteps come towards me and I look up.

"Welcome back," I say, opening my arms for a hug.

I'm smothered with a good one, and I hold on tightly, trying to get the bad taste out of my mind.  Trying to forget about seeing Aya.  It's just a moment that I know will pass, but I want it to pass quickly.

"You're uncharacteristically affectionate today, Micchan."

I laugh.

"I missed you."

"Made anything for lunch?"

I scowl.

"What am I?  Your personal chef?"

I expect nobody to expect anything from me.

"Don't get angry.  You know I don't mean it."

Good save.  I like our playfulness.

"Let's go out," I suggest.

"Where?"

I think.

"Anywhere away from the post office," I mutter without meaning to.

"Eh?  Why?"

I take a long look at the man who has sat down beside me.  He doesn't have any idea about that chapter of my life.  I'd like to keep it that way.  Nobody should know.

I delay my answer to him.

What would my life be if he hadn't come to Tokyo?  He's an old friend from school.  One of the ones I left when I moved down here.  Everyone always thought we'd end up together.  I delighted in proving them wrong for a few years, but it turns out they were right.  He happened to come to school and then find work here, and somehow we picked up our friendship where it was left off when we were teenagers.  Our friendship had always carried that potential to someday become something more.  We were given the chance.

But why?  Why did we have that chance?  Because I messed up what I was really supposed to have.  But I've resigned myself to settling for second best.  Although I hope Hiroshi never finds that out.

"Because there's a good Korean restaurant in the opposite direction," I quip, jumping up and grabbing Hiroshi's hand to pull him up.  "Let's go."

As I pull him after me, I wonder what the near future will hold for me.  Somehow I believe that seeing Aya at the post office can't have been a coincidence.  It must be a sign.  One of those signs that I don't believe in, but a sign nonetheless.  A prelude to a dramatic three-act play that will unfold in my life and rock the steady boat that I sit relatively comfortably on.  I make a mental note to have my proverbial umbrella ready for the downpour.