Sun (updated 25th April!!! CHAPTER 12 up!)

[Yuuyami]

Yeah, Reina was a big fan of Maki, and they had a futarigoto together <3 It seems more like an admiration, but I think that's what started the lovin' in the first place :]

If you're asking who was the first person who started the Reiki pairing, it's in Doki Doki, and then Goosefish and I came in with our fics, and my cousin Saikami with her fic. Yeah xD

[goosefish]

I HAVE RETURNED! (maybe )

Sukoshi: hope you say? Maybe there is  Ok fine, so I read back on all my Sun chapters to try and get back into the swing of things. I dug through my old files and actually started the beginning of the next chapter. BUT NO PROMISES!! It might take a while because I've got a my hands a little full with moving places and work. Until I get settled in again, I won't be able to really concentrate on this 

lil_hamz: yes I'm back! Haha, it's ok that you didn't know! Especially because I'm not that much of a huge poster, so it's understandable

Yuuyami: Thankyou for graciously stepping in and answering  I actually had no idea who started Maki/Reina either, so it's nice to know now 

[Saikami]

YAY THERE IS A CHANCE <333 -glomps you- Did I mention how much I love this fic so far? -squee- I'll wait if I must, s'long as it's not forever, I suppose I can live. xD

-glomps you again-

[goosefish]

OMFG

*wipes off the dust that collected here*

I'm here to update with the next chapter!! 

The chapter isn't awfully long and probably a little rusty seeming, but it's a start to get back in to the swing of things. Excuse me if the style changed a little... it HAS been... well.... a LONG while 

[goosefish]

Chapter 10

Ugh... I can feel a thin beam of sunlight hitting me in the face. I keep my eyes closed and reach out, blindly searching for the curtains. My hand bumps something warm. I open my eyes and am greeted with Maki reaching up and drawing the curtains closed for me. As she lies back down and pulls up the covers around us, she gives me a sheepish smile. It’s at the moment my entire body feels like it flushes a shade of deep crimson.

As we lay there in silence, staring each other down, I wonder if those horrible words I heard were my imagination. Or maybe a dream. Or maybe – or maybe I just want it to be anything but reality.

“You’re a pervert,” Maki bluntly states. I blink. Then blush. Then stare. It’s so far away from what was on my mind that I’m caught off guard.

“What?” I question her. I want to laugh but at the same time, I’m too embarrassed.

“Do you want to know why?” Maki nudges me on to my back, and suddenly I find that I don’t care about what those words mean anymore.

What’s important is now. Now is Maki hovering a hair’s breadth above me, making my breath catch. Now is Maki grazing her nails against the skin on my arm. Now is where I’m supposed to be.

“No. Care to tell me?” I barely manage to rasp out. She puts her mouth beside my ear, as if she’s about to let me in on her biggest secret.

“Because only a pervert could’ve done the things you did to me last night.”

And everything else is completely forgotten.

****

“5, 6, 7, 8!”

We run through the routine for the thousandth time before practice finally draws to an end.

“Oh, Tanaka. Your schedule has been changed a little bit. You have dance rehearsal with Goto in two hours,” our dancing instructor informs me over the loud rambling of the rest of the members. I see Eri sidle up to me and she mischievously nudges me in the ribs.

“Ooooh. Morning Musume member Tanaka Reina suffers excessive loss of blood through the nose due to witnessing Goto Maki’s Glass no Pumps too up close and personal!” Eri imitates a news reporter’s voice and I immediately blush. Too up close and personal is what had Maki and I late and practically running to the studio earlier this morning. I shake those images out of my head. But god, it was extremely distracting.

“Go away, you!” I bark at Eri while still red in the face. She stares at me for half a second before bursting out in laughter.

“You liiiiiike her,” Eri teases. God she was awfully hyperactive today. In any case, what’s gotten in to her? Has she decided to give up on me? Do you normally tease someone about their love life when you have feelings for them? I decide to play along.

“So what if I do?” I puff out my chest and challenge her. Eri’s smile disappears and I know that she hasn’t cast away her feelings for me. I sigh and grab her arm, gently tugging her along. She looks at me, confused. “Come on, it’s been a while since we’ve hung out. Let’s go to the café.”

I didn’t really give her an option, so as soon as we’ve changed we head to the cafeteria.

“Eri… look, I - ”

“You two look good together,” Eri cuts me off with a strained smile on her face. She looks down and stirs her ice coffee.

I stare down at my own glass of cola. When had we gotten to this strange point in our friendship? Eri and I always had an attachment to each other from the beginning, and even when she began liking me I didn’t try and distance myself. I think I felt somewhat comforted about the fact that someone cared for me that deeply… it made me feel… I don’t know… I guess it made me feel special.

“I know you always belonged to her…” Eri said quietly, fiddling with her straw. “Just spending time with you everyday… it’s enough for me,” she stopped playing with her straw and began shifting uncomfortably in her seat. She looked close to tears and it tore me up inside that this was happening.

“Eri…” I was at a complete loss for words. She had all but given me her blessing. I wanted to cry as something wrenched roughly in my chest. If Maki had been in love with somebody else, would I be able to put on a brave face like Eri is now?

I really, really doubt it.

“So stop looking depressed! You have dance practice with her, and you don’t want her thinking that you don’t want to be there, do you now?” Eri tried her best not to let her tears fall, but it was too late. I felt like everything around me had come to a stop. Here was my best friend, ignoring her feelings and encouraging me to be with the person I care about most, trying her best not to let her emotions get the best of her… and all I can do is sit here and watch?

I stand up too abruptly and my chair tips backwards, the sound of it hitting the tiled floor echoes off the café walls. I don’t care, it doesn’t matter. I walk around the table to Eri and wrap my arms around her. Even though I can’t return her feelings, even though I can’t give her what she deserves… she’s my best friend and I make a silent promise to never let her down.


****

I push open the doors to the dance studio. Letting out a heavy sigh I spot Maki in the far corner. I was running late, but I wanted to make sure that Eri was alright before I left her alone.

“Hey, you. You’re late,” Maki greets me playfully before pulling me into a hug. I sigh again, but this time in contentment. With her touch, I feel as if I can just let go of any reservations and relax. Maki pushes me back gently and peers at my face, studying my features. “Bad day?” she asks me.

“Hm… Eri…” I trail off as I can’t find the right words to begin with.

“Um. No… my name’s Maki.”

The goose! I hit her on the arm and she laughs as she unsuccessfully tries to evade the attack.

“You know what I mean!”

Maki laughs even harder and pokes her tongue out at me. I try my best to glare at her.

“Ok, ok. What happened with Kame-chan?”

“She said we look good together,” I say bluntly.

“Um. And you disagree?” Maki asks as she grins widely. God, she makes me giddy when she gets this playful. Who am I kidding? She makes me giddy just by breathing air.

“No!”

This conversation was getting nowhere with her in this silly mood. Even so, I can’t find it in me to complain. I had been feeling a little under the weather from talking to Eri, but Maki being here with me has lifted my spirits. I beam stupidly at her as she rests her forehead against mine, and the few seconds Maki spends gazing into my eyes feels like our own private eternity.

“Reina-chan…” Maki says, and I hear her hidden question.

“She likes me, but she’s accepted us,” I tell her softly. “I just wish I could give her something more. She deserves more.”

“Come on now, I think she’s pretty lucky to have you by her side. She knows you want the best for her, and I’ll bet that means everything in the world to Eri. She knows you care,” Maki replies lightly into my ear.

This morning it seemed I had about a million worries plaguing my mind (I still haven’t forgotten about her medication or what she said to me last night). How is she able to make everything seem a lot brighter, simply by spilling words out of her mouth? I bury myself into her and sigh in contentment. I might want the answers to all my questions right now, but if I ask her about them, it’ll ruin this moment that I want to hold on to forever. Not only that, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hold on to Maki forever.

[YoukaiChica]

THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE BACK!! I've missed you and this story so much. I refused to give up on you or it. Don't ever leave again!!!!!

[Grisours]

Wow! It has been a long time since the last update... But the story's as great as usual! I do hope the updates keep coming... Good job 

[JFC]

Awwwww...poor Eri.

[Yuuyami]

-has blown up hell coming back to life with this-

WOOOO!

WOOOO!

Anywho xD.

I've never really thought about it before, since you never really put an emphasis on her, but I can see Eri slowly become more important to Reina as time goes on. I mean, I know Reina has GAM to fall on if she wants someone to talk to about Maki, but if she ever tells Eri the truth about her and Maki, then Eri would also be added to that list of support. Yaaay xD Or would she feel more jealous and possessive? HMMM.... Oh well, the story revolves around Reina and Maki along with their bumpy relationship, so I wouldn't imagine that you'd place outside forces to complicate things... ... yet... >.> .... <.< ....

-puts on hardhat-

xD Reiki was adorable waking up. Gotta love Maki and her smooth use of language, haha. And how Reina still manages to be naively innocent even though she isn't, roffle. I wonder how this rehearsal of their's is going to go. A rehearsal for moar pervs Glass no Pumps should be interesting xD.

-blows you a heart- ~<3

You better updaaaate~ <3

[lil_hamz]

Wait, now Eri's in the picture? Since when?
I think the Maki-Reina pairing is good, but poor Eri

Thanks for enlightening me with the Maki-Reina history folks

[goosefish]

YoukaiChica: HAha thanks! I'll TRY not to leave again   

Grisours:  yes it certainly has been a LONG while. I just hope I have the time and energy to keep this going!

JFC:  naaawwh. Don't make me feel bad about doing that to her! 

Yuuyami:  ROFL at you and your comment about Glass no Pumps rehearsal     I won't say anything except that you can read for yourself what goes on in the next chapter. I'm almost done editing it, so expect it soon! And about Eri, my lips are sealed! *knocks on Yuuyami's hardhat*

lil_hamz: if by "in the picture" you mean mentioned, I think she was mentioned in a chapter a while back when Reina was in angst mode (god, that was AGES ago  )

[goosefish]

Chapter 11

“Don’t forget about that little wrist flick, ok?” Maki reminds me.

We’re running through the dance routine for Glass no Pumps again. Initially, I had been extremely embarrassed about her teaching and watching me dance, but I’m gradually getting used to it. Maki turns up the bass as far as it will go, telling me it will help to keep the beat better. I burst into the opening steps as the song repeats itself, watching myself in the full length mirror, while Maki observes from the side.

There’s no denying it, the song was causing the heat to rise between us. Even after last night and this morning, she is watching me and practically drooling on herself. I like seeing this side of her, knowing that I can make her feel this way. The song plays out its last few notes and this time, Maki doesn’t let it repeat. She stops the CD player and hands me a towel and bottle of water.

“That was almost perfect, you just need a bit of fine tuning,” she says, obviously not really interested in that from the way she spoke. “I’ll run through it with you.” She takes away the bottle and towel, putting them on a table before standing directly behind me. I can feel the heat pulsating from her body.

She grabs hold of both my hands and steps in so that her body presses against mine. I gulp and can hardly contain my excitement. She begins to softly sing Glass no Pumps at an exaggerated slower beat, guiding my body to move in sync with hers. The sparks fly wildly as we get to the more sensual dance steps and I find myself wishing that she would never let go.

“Dance with me baby, baby… sawarimashou yo…” she whispers into my ear, drawing out the last two words. Our movements come to a gentle halt.

Maki spins me around to face her, our breaths already hot and ragged. Whether it was from dancing or something a little more desire filled, I’m not sure.

“Maki… someone might come in,” I breathe against her lips, sounding quite unconvincing.

She smiles deviously at me before covering my mouth with hers. We kiss, our tongues roughly caressing each others’ in a raging dance of desire. She pushes me against the cool mirror, though my skin is already too heated to feel the difference. Maki grinds her body forcefully against mine, and I wonder where all this… energy… came from. Oh, that’s right - the dance.

I grind back just as hard and we break away for a split moment before resuming our heated battle. I run my hands all over any part of her that I can reach. As we slide down the mirror, I end up sitting on the floor. She straddles me, and begins sucking at my neck. I can’t believe we’re doing this in the dance studio, but it’s too late to stop. Her hand slips underneath my shirt and her nails scrape my skin. My eyes roll back into my head at the sensation of her touch. Our grinding becomes more ardent, bodies arching impatiently against each other with more need and desire.

“Aaaaarghh!!!” the scream snaps us into reality and Maki jumps off me while I hastily pull my shirt back down.

“I can’t believe you two! You’re lucky it was me and not Tsunku!” Miki hollers at us. We were very lucky that it was Miki. I can’t imagine what would happen if anybody else had walked in on us.

Miki checks the hallway to see if there are any potential eavesdroppers before closing the door. She walks over to us and plops down in a chair, smirking at the state we’re in. I check myself in the mirror, my hair was a mess and my lips look slightly puffy. I bite my lip as I recall the ferocity in which Maki had kissed me with.

Maki and I look at each other, both blushing like mad at the realisation that we wanted each other so much. Miki laughs at us.

“You couldn’t wait until you got home?” Miki asks us, smirking while still trying to contain her amusement.

“Hey, we were practicing Glass no Pumps! Can you really blame us?” Maki defends us.

“Yeah Miki. Imagine if you had to learn that dance with Aya!” I suggest, and Miki thinks about it for a moment before a light blush covers her cheeks. She raises an eyebrow, lost in thought. I knew it! She would be just as turned on. After a few seconds she looks at both of us with wide eyes, like a kid with ten litres of ice-cream to plough through.

“Ok, I can see your point. It is quite… well… hell yeah!” she fumbles, not quite sure what to say. Maki bursts out in laughter, and soon I’m laughing just as hard. I hold on to Maki’s arm as I clutch my stomach, while Miki sits there and mock-glares us.

The studio door swings open and we instantly go quiet and hold our breaths.

“Oh, Miki-tan, I was looking for you. Tsunku wants to see us about GAM promotions in an hour.”

At the sound of Aya’s voice we all exhale in relief. As she walks over to us Miki looks at her with puppy-dog eyes.

“Aya-chan, how would you feel about learning the dance for Glass no Pumps together?” Miki asks her innocently, tugging at Aya’s sleeve. Maki and I try to stifle our giggles. Aya throws us all a suspicious look.

“You two! What kind of ideas have you been giving her?” Aya accuses Maki and I. We look at her as innocently as two people who were moments ago locked in raging desire could possibly look. Miki pokes her in the side, sending her shrieking and almost elbowing Miki in the head. Maki and I laugh at the both of them.

“What about EROS, then?” Miki tries again. I can hardly believe how different Miki becomes when Aya is around. She seems more at ease, more herself.

“I already know that one,”

“So you should teach it to me,”

Aya rolls her eyes at Miki, who is grinning like an idiot. I admit, the relationship that they have is adorable!

“Ok, fine. I get the point,” Aya says in defeat, playfully prodding Miki in the cheek. Aya turns to me, looking me up and down. “You! Why do you look so trampled?”

I blush insanely and look at Maki. She tries not to laugh, and takes hold of my hand, playfully swinging it back and forth.

“Oh, leave her alone. Reina-chan was working really hard on learning the dance for Glass no Pumps,” Maki explains.

Right. I looked trampled because I was learning a dance. Nothing else. I smile as I remember Miki screeching like a witch at us when she came in. Aya squeals as she sits down on Miki’s lap.

“Hey, Miki-tan… aren’t those two just… so cute together?” Aya gushes to Miki, who suddenly has an evil smirk on her face.

“Do you want to know what I walked in on them doing?” Miki asks Aya, her voice full of mischief. Aya raises a curious eyebrow at Maki and I.

My eyes go wide and my face goes bright red again. So does Maki’s.

“No… you didn’t… you did? ... how can… wait… HERE?!” Aya tries to ask us a million things at once. I’m so embarrassed that I bury my face in Maki’s back. I can hear Miki cackling.

“Gocchin, you’ve corrupted poor Tanaka-chan!”

“I have not!”

“I don’t believe you!”

“I haven't! Anyway, she wanted to!” Maki whines, defending herself and blaming me at the same time. The sneaky thing!

“Maki!” I cry out from her back. Miki’s laughter is getting increasingly louder and she has tears streaming down her face. Within seconds all four of us are in hysterics, unable to stop laughing for what seems like hours.


*****


“Oof!”

I throw myself upon Maki’s couch as she goes and showers. Today’s dance practice and that entertaining episode with Miki and Aya left me beyond exhaustion. It’s been a few days since I began practicing Glass no Pumps, but since Maki is the one teaching me, I seem to get awfully distracted.

Just as well, because I can still feel a few things strenuously gnawing at me somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain. Ugh. I hate thinking about it. I hate it when I try my hardest to not think about it, but it ends up being all I can think about. I should just stop beating around the bush and ask her! It can’t be that hard, can it? I’ll just casually bring it up. The medication… those haunting words…

No. Those words can wait for another day. It’d be too much to ask all that in one go… right?

I heave a sigh. I know that I’m desperately running away from an answer that might not even be correct. Why do I have this inane fear of the unknown? Because beyond the unknown is everything that I don’t know now. Beyond the unknown, Maki might not even be there. Beyond the unknown is something I absolutely dread facing.

I sound like an incredibly depressed, broken record.

I hear the shower taps being turned off and immediately sit up. I can do it. I can ask her. I just need to take it one step at a time… one question at a time… 

I have to.

[JFC]

Wow were they ever lucky!  If there's anyone who can understand and sympathize with Maki and Reina, it's Miki and Aya.

Hellz yeah GAM is ubercute!   Gotta love their wacky, nutty dynamic.

“Gocchin, you’ve corrupted poor Tanaka-chan!”

Hey, when you're in lurrrve, it's not such a bad thing.

I can do it. I can ask her. I just need to take it one step at a time… one question at a time… 

Oh shit, she's really going to ask her about it. THIS is going to be interesting...and at the same time, it'll be scary because we don't know how Maki might react when Reina asks her, or how Reina will react to what Maki says in response.

[Grisours]

Yey for new chapter!
Yeah, they were extremely lucky that Miki was the one who entered the room at that time. Imagine what would have happened if it was somebody else?
The parts with Miki/Aya and Maki/Reina are very cute, but I keep wondering about Eri (maybe she'll find someone else...). And about Maki's secret too... Let's see if Reina is brave enough to ask her! I'm curious about the answer, too.

[Sukoshi]

wow...just came back from vacation and am so happy to find 2 new chapters!  Thank you for updating~! 

I feel so bad for Eri in this story but Reina and Maki really do make a cute couple.  Reina's been avoiding the question for so long now...I think when she finally asks it's going to go all wrong...but then again that's probably a given...I'll have to prepare tissue in case this turns into a sad fic. 

[goosefish]

I'M WORKING ON IT! I SWEEEEEAAAAAR!!!

*coughs* Just wanted to say that I haven't abandoned it again! Work keeps me away for periods at a time    A big thankyou to everyone who is still supporting Sun and has had the patience to sit through my (terribly) long absences 

*collapses in exhaustion*

[YoukaiChica]

I'll always wait!!!!! Except, I forgot to comment on the newest chapter.... The point is, I'm way too obsessed with this for my own good and I'll sit around forever just for the next part!

[ringo-hime]

yay for those osam chapters!
ganbatte goosefish!

[heyyouhiya]

So I just started reading this (just finished the third chapter) and I already love it!!

I can't wait to have time to read the rest xD

EDIT: Ok so I didn't actually have time...but I read it anyways because I just really wanted to know what was going to happen xD
But I love it and I want more! Such a cliff hanger (but take your time =] )

[goosefish]

Chapter 12


“Are you hungry?” Maki’s question breaks through my depressing reverie and I blink several times, turning to face her before my eyes bulge. She was standing there in a towel, dripping wet and looking very… oh… I shake my head. Now is not the time to get distracted by her… sexiness… Gah! I shake my head again and promptly avert my eyes from her.

“Guess I’ll take that as a no,” Maki calls out as I hear her shuffling into her room to dress herself.

What am I thinking? I can’t be allowing my mind to wander like this. I feel my stomach violently tie itself into knots again as I remember what I’m supposed to ask her. I don’t want her to… I don’t know. I just don’t want us to fight again… Every time we do, I feel like I’m the worst person in the world for somehow instigating it.

Take one step at a time, that’s all I need to do. I feel guilt pounding at my brain cells. I never should have peeked at her phone, invading her privacy like that. I groan and bury my head in my hands. Why is this so hard?!

A hand places itself atop my head and I flinch, surprised by the sudden contact. I peek out between my eyes to find a concerned Maki peering down at me. Great, I’ve gone and made her worry before I’ve even opened my mouth. Maki takes a seat beside me, and I’m just about ready to smash my head through the television screen just so that I can evade doing what I need to do. Maki studies me for a moment, and as I watch her I can almost see the gears spinning and grinding behind her eyes.

What’s wrong?

Tell me what’s on your mind.

I want to help.

I’m positive this is what she’s hearing in her own mind as I allow myself to become entranced by the intensity in her eyes.

I’m sorry.

I’m worried about you.

I don’t want to lose you.

I respond internally, praying to whatever divine force that might be watching, praying that she can hear my unspoken uncertainties.

Maki’s eyes flicker. What was that? What did it mean?

“I don’t want to lose you,” she finally breaks the silence. I stare in mild surprise. She’s just repeated exactly what went on in my mind.

“Huh?”

“But it feels like you’re shutting me out… I feel like I’m being pushed away…” her voice quivers as her gaze intensifies. I continue to stare at her, mortified. Mortified because she feels that way. Mortified because I’ve been stupid enough to let it get to this. Am I losing her? No! I refuse to let that happen.

“Maki,” I say firmly, placing a hand on top of hers. I have to do this. I have to do this. I have to do this! She waits patiently for me to continue. I feel like my chest is being constricted beyond all means and like I’ve had quick drying cement poured in to my mouth. I swallow, and wince at how dry my throat is.

“I just feel like… I don’t know! I feel like you don’t trust me… like you don’t really like me…” Maki says exasperatedly. My hearts jerks violently in my chest as I shake my head.

It’s not your fault!

My mind desperately cries out. But she can’t hear it, idiot. Do you expect her to read your mind? You really are stupid. It’s no wonder she feels like she does.

I can’t tell how many parts of myself are talking at once, but they’re all berating me for my idiocy. How am I supposed to compete with all this excess noise in my head? I can feel all the suppressed frustration tightening around my chest and moistening my eyes. This has to be the worst moment to cry. I can’t. I can’t let myself cry again… not this time… not when I’ve done it so many times before… But it’s too late, the tears have shed themselves, sliding down my face. It’s too late to stop. I scrunch my eyes shut as I feel Maki’s arms wrap around me, confused as she may be. I can’t let this happen again. I can’t let things just remain unsaid and laying in the dark recesses of my mind. This is how our relationship fails. This is how I continue to fail. I refuse to fail again. I don’t want her to hurt anymore.

After a moment I gently pull myself out of her embrace, guilt tearing apart my insides. She looks at me, confused and concerned. I hastily wipe my face and try to calm down. Why am I so bad at this kind of thing?

“I’m sorry,” I barely manage to vocalise my apology, and my voice sounds all stuffy from crying. She sadly smiles at me understandingly. We sit in silence for a few minutes, and in that time I try and gather my courage. It has to be now. I take a deep breath to steady myself and strangely enough, I feel a wave of calmness wash over me as I capture her eyes with mine.

“I’m sorry that I worried you… I didn’t realise I was making you feel that way. I’m sorry because sometimes I don’t think about what I’m doing or saying, and I guess it hurts you…” I take a shaky breath and she nods at me, encouraging me to continue. How I wish this wasn’t so hard. “I do like you. A lot. A whole lot. Like… really, really, really like you… like more than anything else on this planet… more than anything else that I need to live… more than yakiniku…” I trail off quietly and feel my ears burn red. That has got to be the most stupid way to tell her how much I like her! The corners of her lips rise at my dumb confession, instantly making me feel on top of the world before I remember what I was supposed to be doing. I take a moment to recollect myself for what I’m about to confess.

“I’m sorry, because I read the messages on your phone when you forgot it at home,” I blurt out awkwardly and quickly avoid her gaze. “And I read one about you taking medication, and I got paranoid that there was something wrong with you and that you were keeping something horrible from me, and I know I shouldn’t have been going through your phone in the first place so if you want to be angry for that I understand and - ” I take a breath. “And I was just really worried because that doctor family friend person also sent you that stress book, and then I thought that maybe you didn’t tell me anything because you don’t trust me, and I sort of started thinking too much about it when I know I should have just asked you… and then you came to my place and we uh… well… we did… that… and then in the middle you said something and it made me more paranoid… and then I - ”

“OK STOP AND BREATHE!” Maki bellows, her eyes wide from trying to keep up with my sudden outburst. God, that had to have been the worst way I could have said everything. I squeeze my eyes shut, out of breath from trying to get everything out in one go. That was insanely stupid and once again I find myself burying my head into my hands. I wished I hadn’t said it like a moron. I wished I could do it all again. My head spins, and I’m not sure whether I feel dizzy from being out of breath, or from the realization that I had just revealed all my concerns in the most awful manner. My head continues to pound as the seconds slowly tick by.

Silence.

That’s all I can hear. That dreaded, awful silence that I’ve come to despise so much. The silence that means something unpleasant is about to take place. I wish I would stop screwing things up so much. I wish I was better at making Maki happy. I wish… I wish for a lot of things… maybe too many things…

“Reina-chan…” Maki says quietly. I finally force myself to look at her for the first time since starting my insane ramble. She’s fiddling with her hands, a warning that we’re both treading on very thin ice. I feel as if the very air we’re breathing is forcing me into the ground. Before I can think about anything further she throws her arms around me tightly. I sit there in shock, not quite understanding the situation. What is she doing? Why isn’t she being angry and yelling and screaming at me? I feel warm droplets on my head. She’s crying.

“Maki?”

Maki places both hands on my shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze. She leans in and places a tender kiss on my forehead and then her arms drop back into her lap. I don’t understand. I have this impending feeling of ultimate doom in the very pit of my stomach. It felt like she was making a final movement, it felt like her kiss on my skin would be the last. Why did it feel like that?

I hear her take a shallow, shaky breath. My head spins for all sorts of reasons – there’s too many to count and keep up with.

I had just confessed to her all that had been on my mind as of late, and here she was not saying anything. I don’t get it. I can’t wrap my head around it.

“Maki? Can you talk to me? Please?” I practically beg her, vigorously wiping the tears from my cheeks, trying to regain some sort of control so that we can work through this mess. I look at her helplessly.

She’s not there. Her mind isn’t, at least. Her eyes have glazed over, she's just staring into the air before her. I can’t say enough times that I don’t understand what’s going on.

Maki eventually turns her head to look at me. No, I’m wrong. She’s not looking at me… she’s looking through me… looking beyond me. Wordlessly, she takes a hand in hers and rises to stand. I’m so confused that I can’t do anything but comply. It feels like I’m not there, like I’m a mere spectator. I couldn’t control the situation any more.

“Maki?” I timidly ask her as she leads me to the door. She hasn’t said a word at all, and now here she was dragging me to her front door. Is she kicking me out? Is she that angry? She could at least tell me what she’s feeling. I feel the tears build up in my eyes again, but I refuse to let them fall this time. “What are you doing? Can you just say something to me?” I plead and plead, but she doesn’t respond and continues walking, pulling me along.

We reach her front door. Maki picks up my bag and pushes it into my hands. For the first time in this short while, she looks at me. I’m taken aback by what I see.

It hurts.

The words echo in my head.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand!

Something within in me snaps, causing me to pull back roughly on Maki’s hand. She stops walking, but doesn’t turn to face me.

“So you’re kicking me out now?” I ask, afraid of the answer. “You’re not even going to tell me that you’re angry, or that you hate me, or anything like that? You’re just going to force me out?” I continue asking her, trying to get some sort of response, any response. It’s not fair that she won’t say anything to me. I don’t understand what’s going on anymore!

“I’m not angry at you. I don’t hate you. But you have to go,” Maki finally replies in a small voice, almost as if she was pleading me, almost as if her entire life depended on it. Her hand tightens for a moment around mine, and then she releases my hand completely. I feel something inside me die.

She wasn’t going to tell me what was going through her mind. She wasn’t going to tell me how she felt. She was just telling me to leave. Just like that. I can’t believe it. How can she be so cowardly? How can she just let me leave without explaining herself? I felt my anxieties sink away as I’m overcome with irritation and some form of anger. How dare she kick me out after I had tried to help our situation. I don’t care. I don’t want to care anymore. Caring leads to pain, pain leads to suffering. Suffering is something I could do without.

Before I know it, the door closes behind me and I turn around to hear the lock being turned into place.

All we’ve ever done since coming to terms with our relationship is fight and had misunderstandings. Why couldn’t I hold on to her like I wanted to? Why couldn’t we just avoid all this commotion and go on happily in peace and happiness? Why was everything about us so wrong that whatever forces were up there were making us have issue after issue?

I felt everything warm inside of me turn into ice. I pounded on the door in frustration as hot tears rolled down my cheeks for the umpteenth time that night. Why wasn’t she opening the door? Why was she ignoring me? Why did she make me leave? She was making me feel worthless. I yelled out her name, yelled at her to talk to me as I continued pounding on her door. Maki continued to ignore it.

I don’t understand.

I wanted to hate her for making me feel this way. I wanted to hate her for shutting me out of her heart like this. I wanted to hate her with everything I ever loved her with. But I just couldn’t.

Everything became a blur after that. I vaguely remember somehow finding my way back home. I hazily remember crying and crying for hours on end until I fell asleep from pure exhaustion.

I don’t even understand why she had told me to leave.

I don’t understand any of it.