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Hello everyone. I'm pretty new to this forum and this is my first fanfic posted on here so please treat me nicely :)
Contents:
00-Prologue / 01-The Beginning (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1057653#msg1057653) / 02-Actresses in the Making (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1058308#msg1058308) / 03-Sweet Promises (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1060199#msg1060199) / 04-New Laughter (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1062539#msg1062539) / 05-Twisted Expectations (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1064614#msg1064614) / 06-Finish Line (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1068972#msg1068972) / 07-Sweet and Sour (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1081305#msg1081305) / 08-Just the Beginning (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1092421#msg1092421) / 09-Hurtful Revelations (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1096372#msg1096372) / 10-Faulty Weaknesses (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1105006#msg1105006) / 11-Wordless Calls (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1128040#msg1128040) / 12-First Step Back (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1142295#msg1142295) / 13-When to Say When (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1200003#msg1200003) / 14-Running from the Past (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1215625#msg1215625) / 15–Home is Where the Heart is (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1231860#msg1231860) / 16-Friends and Fame (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1252882#msg1252882) / 17-The Unspoken Announcement (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1285979#msg1285979) / 18-Untold Scandals (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1346619#msg1346619) / 19-The Jemmys (http://forum.jphip.com/index.php?topic=33224.msg1347726#msg1347726)
Prologue
This was wrong.
The room I was in. The bed I was in. The sheets that covered my naked body. The person next to me.
This was all wrong.
When I faced her, her expression clearly reflected what I felt. Pain, exhaustion, overwhelming regret and a suffocating guilt.
She said it first, but either way, it would have been the same.
“We can’t tell anyone about this.”
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Huwaaa
I thinks its really interesting
I wonder who are the character :prayers:
Atsumina?? xD such a spoilederrr
Update SOON :wigglypanda:
:mon cheek: :mon firecrack:
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Did you write an Atsumina fanfic before? Can you show me?
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Please continue.
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Did you write an Atsumina fanfic before? Can you show me?
Yes, She did. But, in Tumblr. Not here.
[I know I'm not the one that you asked, But at least I know what did you ask for. :P] Read'em here. (http://melon-lover.tumblr.com/post/15352516074/takamina-and-acchan-part-1-acchans-fun) and Here. (http://melon-lover.tumblr.com/post/15361417629/takamina-and-acchan-part-2-takaminas-revenge)
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Oh I've read them before. So that's her tumblr. Thanks anyway for giving me the links.
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this's sound so interesting !!
Who are they ?
i hope it's about AtsuMina.. :mon inluv:
But, other pairing is okay too..
Wait for your update.. :prayers:
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acchaniu: Oooo first comment! Thank you ;D
haru9210: Oh you have? Awww I'm happy and thank you :tama-bigheart:
Tanchan: Thanks to Nakamii for showing my tumblr to you, but the link is also on my signature if you need to check it out once more :shy1:
SakuraKyoto: Hehe you are not wrong :thumbsup
Well thank you for everyone's comments and I hope to update this fic quite frequently :)
01 – The Beginning
The light that shone through my eyelids pierced my pupils, making my retinas hurt. As a reflex I scrunch my eyes, turning away immediately. Even though I finally got a day off, the sun wouldn’t let me sleep in. However, I refuse to be awoken today. I snuggle into the duvet further, throwing my arm over the body next to me... only for it to land on nothing.
Forcing my eyelids to open, I peer over the blankets to see in front of me, even if I already knew what I wouldn’t find sleeping there. As expected, it was empty. She had left already.
I let my hand run over the mattress cover. It was cold. Heaving a defeated sigh, I sat up and rose from the bed. Might as well get up. No one could sleep if their heart ached as much as mine did now.
Suddenly, my phone buzzed with a message. Lazily I grab it, flipping it open.
Morning Sleepy Head <3
I’m sorry I had to leave so early. I had filming again today and I forgot to tell you ><
Please forgive me!
I’ll make it up to you tonight, I promise!
Love you!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yuko
Exactly nineteen kisses. The same number as the day I was born. Every text from Yuko ended in the same way. I looked through my replies. I counted seventeen kisses. The same number as the day Oshima Yuko was born. Two kisses less than mine.
I close my phone and throw it on the bed. It was too early for this.
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“Takamina, over here!”
I spun round to the origin of the familiar voice. Smiling as soon as I laid eyes on Mii-chan, I wave. Quickly, I jog to her, manoeuvring around the busy people of Ginza, Tokyo.
“You took long enough.” said Mii-chan, immediately hugging me.
I return the embrace. I was in a particularly good mood today. It was one of those rare days where I didn’t have anything scheduled, finally getting a day off. In fact, all members of no3b luckily had a day off. And this brought my attention to something.
“Where’s Haruna?” I ask.
“I asked her to come out but she said she didn’t want to. She wanted to spend the day with Yuko.”
I grin. “Of course she would. I can’t believe they’ve been together for nearly 9 months.”
“I know. That’s nearly as long as you and Acchan.”
I don’t know why, but I felt myself blush. “Well, it’s only a month difference.”
“Look at you, getting all embarrassed.” Mii-chan teased, her elbow gently nudging me.
My face became hotter and I shook my body, stopping Mii-chan’s nudging.
“Come on, let’s go.” I exclaimed, dragging Mii-chan into the shopping centre.
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“Now you need to steam the cod fillet for-”
The woman’s voice was cut off when I flicked to the next channel. I had been doing this for the last hour. And there was absolutely nothing to watch. Nothing was going according to plan.
It wasn’t fair. Yuko was supposed to stay in with me, today being the only free day I would have in a long time. But instead, she was off acting in her stupid drama. Sure, I know it is her lucky break, being one of the main casts in a prime-time family drama. But what about me? I had planned the most romantic day today. I was going to make a picnic, we would go to the park, feed each other food, watch a film, go out to dinner, then come back and we would have a rose petal bath together and… well do other stuff.
But that was over. Yuko would come back exhausted, like every other day, and just fall asleep. Where were all the days where she would surprise me with chocolates and flowers? Where were the moments when she would visit me at the studios, programme sets, or music stations, and keep me company until I was allowed to go home? Where were all the times we would just cuddle on the couch, where we would just listen to each other’s breathing, no words needed?
Now, we barely get to talk.
Heaving another sigh, I switched the channel once more. I stopped. It was Yuko’s drama. I just caught it in time as the title of the drama flashed onto the screen; Forever Love. Cheesy as it was, the drama was actually quite good, with people such as Horikita Maki, Inoue Mao, Takakura Ken, Yamada Ryosuke, Hayami Mokomichi and others. It was basically about a woman who cheats on her rich husband with her best friend’s boyfriend. However, it was only one night but they try to keep a secret. However their feelings begin to develop for one another and there is major drama. And Yuko plays the sister of the best friend, who knows about what the woman did but keeps it a secret to protect her sister.
The drama was just starting, and I couldn’t change the channel now. Even though I knew this was not the usual time it showed, knowing it was a replay, I wanted to watch it. If I couldn’t go to Yuko’s set everyday, then I would just support her by trying to watch all her episodes. However, from the beginning, I knew I hadn’t seen this one yet. Yuko stood in the middle of the living room. And she was with her fake love interest, Akira-kun, who is played by Hayami-senpai. I remember Yuko had introduced me to him when I went to visit her at the drama set. He was good looking, charming, fit, well mannered, a great actor and just plain nice. A pure gentleman.
I didn’t like him.
From the music and expressions, it seemed to be a pretty intense scene. My eyes couldn’t tear away.
“Hana, why don’t you acknowledge what is happening?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your sister’s best friend just kissed your sister’s boyfriend! Why don’t you tell her?”
“She doesn’t need to know. She can’t know.”
“Why? She’s your sister! You need to tell her. If you don’t, I will.”
“No! You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
I didn’t know I was holding my breath until I felt it escape past my lips, but I couldn’t look away. I always became absorbed when I saw Yuko act. It was just amazing. The way she was glaring at Hayami-senpai… it sent shivers down my spine.
I watched as Hayami-senpai slowly walked to Yuko, who took a step back each time he took a step towards her. Finally, she could not move further when she felt her body pressed into the wall. A gasp escaped my chest when I saw Hayami-senpai almost pressed his body into Yuko’s, towering over her. Suddenly, he slammed his hand just above her head and leaned down until his face was only a mere few centimetres away from Yuko’s.
“Akira…”
“Tell her. Or I will.”
“…Fine.”
Then, with a smile, Hayami-senpai edged closer and closer, their eyes closing simultaneously as his lips were just about to-
The TV went black. Breathing heavily, I put down the remote control. My heart was beating painfully in my chest.
Hurriedly, I grab my coat and my bag and almost run out of the house.
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My finger pressed against the flashing arrow.
“Come on. Come on!” I chanted to myself.
Hitting the circle button, the metal talons lowered and closed around the plushie.
“Yes!”
I watched as the claw began to slowly raise the plushie, edging it closer to the square hole. Just a bit more…
“NOOO!”
The plushie slipped from the grip of the claw, falling back onto its fellow plushies.
A sound of frustration escaped from my throat as I searched my purse for more coins.
“Haven’t you had enough yet?” asked Mii-chan, to the right of me, sucking on her drink straw.
“No, not yet. Not until I get that plushie.”
In the corner of my eye, I saw Mii-chan look through the claw crane glass, into the pile of various toys. She looked at the plushie that I had attempted to get for the last three turns.
“Why that one? Isn’t it weird?” she inquired.
“It is not weird." I retort. "It’s perfect.”
Inserting another coin, the machine droned with the same carousel music. Easily positioning the crane, I watched it nervously as it fell once again. Its talons easily wrapped around the plushie. I felt myself grin, observing as it raised itself… without the stuffed toy.
“Arrggh!” I exclaim.
“Just give up.” said Mii-chan. “I want to go clothes shopping.” she whined.
“One more try.” I plead.
With a sigh, Mii-chan resumed her position, leaning against the out-of-order machine next to mine.
“This better be the last time.” I heard her mutter.
With an anxious heart, I inserted the final coin, the music mocking me with my frequent failures to get that one plushie. Carefully, I adjust the crane until it was just above the plushie’s body. I held my breath as the claw spread over it and gradually lifted it into the air. My eyes didn’t blink, watching the metal claw and plushie hover towards the exit…
“CONGRADULATIONS.”
“YES!” I cried, stuffing my hand into the collection flap.
I triumphantly held out my prize in front of Mii-chan. However, she did not look at all amused.
“All this for a dumb dog.”
I gasp with shock. “It is not just a dog. It has a cute cherry headwear.”
“Riiight.” Mii-chan droned. “Come on let’s-”
Mii-chan was interrupted by the sudden music blaring from her bag. Scavenging through her bag, she finally pulled out her ringing phone.
“Hello?” she answered. “Oh hey! Huh? Now? Erm, okay. We’re at the Plaza Arcade. We’ll meet you at the entrance of the San-ai Building. Yeah . Okay. Bye.”
“Who was that?” I curiously ask, holding onto my precious cherry dog.
“It was Haruna. She said she was on her way. Let’s hurry and meet her.”
“Wait. I thought she was supposed to be with Yuko today.”
“So did I.”
With a shrug, we hurry to the entrance of the massive shopping centre.
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I waited patiently for Mii-chan and Takamina. I breathed in and out, deeply and slowly. I was still pretty shaken up with the scene I just saw. The way Hayami-senpai’s lips were just-
Okay stop Haruna. You do not need to think about this.
Shaking my head, and slapping both my cheeks, I supressed the burning image of Yuko’s lips pursing for someone else other than me.
“Nyan-Nyan!”
I turn to the sound of my nickname and smiled as I saw Mii-chan and Takamina wave, jogging towards me. Like my children, they ran and hugged me. I almost fell over from the sudden impact. Thank goodness I didn’t wear heels today.
After a few moments, they broke away, grinning.
“Why are you here Nyan-Nyan?” asked Mii-chan. “I thought you were going to spend today with Yuko.”
I forced myself to smile even though my throat became clogged with my unease. “We were but she had to film today.”
“That’s too bad.” said Takamina sadly. “Well at least the no3b members can have a fun day together.”
I felt myself smiling genuinely at Takamina’s enthusiasm. And when they cheered, I found myself joining in. If anything, these two will help me forget my worries.
----------- 3 Hours Later ----------
Takamina and I bid farewell to Mii-chan who had to go home for dinner with her family. We had spent the last three hours going to nearly all the shops in the San-ai Building. We had tried on clothes, jewellery, accessories, shoes, and I bought so many new clothes that I felt slightly guilty. However, I thought that I at least deserved to pamper myself now and again. I had so much fun today that I didn’t want it to end.
I look at Takamina who gazed back.
“What should we do now?” she asked.
“…I don’t really want to go home.” I mutter, even though the sun was setting.
“Me either.” Takamina surprisingly answered. “Should we have dinner?”
I nod. She smiled up at me, filling me with fuzziness. I always liked it best when Takamina smiled.
------------ 30 Minutes Later ------------
The yakiniku restaurant hissed with the sound of meat sizzling on the hot grill. I silently watched Takamina place another helping of beef onto the grill, turning it over now and again.
“So where’s Acchan?” I ask, bringing the napkin up to my lips to dab at the remaining grease.
“She’s also at her drama set.” casually replied Takamina.
I stare at the burning coals underneath the grill. I felt my mouth burn with the question I wanted to ask.
“Don’t you get lonely?” I blurt.
“Sure.” Takamina said indifferently. “Sometimes.”
She turned to me, seeing me give her a sceptical look.
“Well most times.” she corrected. “But I understand she has to work. This is her dream and who am I to stop her. Plus, I’m not always home myself. We’re both busy. But we both know that we are there for each other.”
I continue to stare at her, observing the way she flipped the meat two more times, before cutting it, like always. How could this younger woman be so much more mature than me? Did Yuko also feel this way? Was it just me that was being selfish?
“But don’t you get tired?” I continue to enquire. “Don’t you just want her to stay at home, keep you company?”
“Of course I do. But I couldn’t stop her from doing what she loves. That’s not my style. Whatever Atsuko wants to do, I’ll support her, even if it means not being able to spend time together.”
I felt my chest tighten with shame.
“Maybe I’m a bad girlfriend.” I breathe dejectedly, throwing the screwed up tissue onto the table.
I hear Takamina put down the tongs and she suddenly placed her small hand on top of mine. I looked towards her, mildly surprised.
“You’re a great girlfriend Haruna. Yuko is lucky to have you."
Takamina smiled. I glance down at the small hand that belonged to the amazing person beside me, who was always there to support me. It was warm.
I smiled back. She always knew how to make me feel better.
“Thanks Takamina.”
“Don’t mention it.” she grinned.
Then, she took her hand away, holding the tongs once again. I quietly watch as she equally divided the pieces of meat, placing my share on my plate. But as I ate, all I could think about was the warmth that spread through my hand and up within my body.
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I open the door of my apartment, slipping off my shoes and wearily walk to the living room, my numerous shopping bags dragging across the floor. However, as I made my way down the corridor, I notice that the light was on. That only meant one thing.
I dump my bags on the side of the corridor and run into the living room, almost slipping on the floorboards with my rush. And there, sitting at the dining room table, was Maeda Atsuko.
“Atsuko!” I exclaim, unable to contain my excitement.
Usually, Atsuko would be gone in the morning, before the sun even had the chance to awaken. Then she would not return until after midnight. It was tough, especially on Atsuko. I could tell. When she was able to stay at home, when she only had one scene to shoot, she would either sleep or read lines, the bags under her eyes growing deeper and darker with each sleepless day.
So, this was completely unexpected as I thought she had an all day shooting.
With the call of her name, Atsuko looked up from what appeared to be her script and smiled. An exhausted smile, but still a smile.
I ran over and embrace her, hoping my energy would transfer into her body. I felt her body relax into mine and her hand grip my arm tightly, an expression of her affection. I reluctantly release her when Atsuko’s hand left my body, knowing she wanted to get back to work.
“Have you eaten?” I ask.
“Mm.” answered Atsuko, giving a slight nod.
I smile, grateful that she ate. Usually I was the one that had to force her to eat, even threateningly to confiscate the script if she didn’t eat. The usual compromise was that I got to feed her, while she continued to read the script. It worked for the both of us.
Atsuko had her attention back onto her script. It must be hard being on a prime-time show. Suddenly, I remembered something that I was sure to make Atsuko feel happy again.
I hurriedly shuffled back to the corridor and searched through my bags. I found what I was looking for easily, it’s white and red colour easily spotted. I return to Atsuko, holding the plushie behind my back.
“Acchan~ I have something for you.” I chime.
“Hmm?”
“Look.” I said, happily holding out the cherry dog plushie. “I won this for you.”
With a quick glance, she looked at the plushie in my hands.
“Oh thanks.” she uttered. “Can you leave it on the table? I have to memorise these lines by tomorrow.”
My outreached hands drop. “Oh…okay.”
I place the small dog on the table, next to Atsuko. I suddenly felt extremely exhausted.
“I’m really tired. I think I’m going to go bed now.” I said.
“Mm.”
"Come to bed soon or you won't be able to wake up." I remind, even though I know Atsuko probably did not hear anything of what I just said.
With a final longing look, I leave Atsuko in peace. I collect my bags and head to the bedroom. I put away my newly bought items, put away the bags, and got ready for bed.
As I lay on my bed, listening to nothing, I wished the walls were thinner so I could at least hear the rhythmic turning of Atsuko’s script to lull me to sleep. Perhaps it was the large amount of food that I ate for dinner that kept me up.
I wasn’t sure when I fell asleep, but I knew two things. By the time I was asleep, Atsuko hadn’t come into the bedroom. And that my heart ached with disappointment.
In the morning, I saw the cherry dog still on the table, untouched.
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Is this going to be TakaHaru? :mon closeup: and what's wrong with AtsuMina?? :mon dunno: Why is Acchan treating Taka like that!! :mon annoy: my heart really hurt at the last scene.. :mon whine:
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noooo Minamiiii :mon waterworks:
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I don't really see the Atsuko-being-cold. I mean, I don't really think like that. I don't know, but I thought that was normal. Maybe, Acchan's just exhausted? :P I happened to acted like that, occasionally. [in that kind of situation] 8D I wonder what happen.
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This story look good, is curious writing.
How cruel Maeda .... ignoring Takamina ...
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Its the first time that I ask this but.. this gonna be a takaharu fic? .. please I need to know T_T
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I seem to be pretty motivated in writing this fanfic XD
Hopefully I'll continue to update frequently, if my mind will let me :P
But it's definitely due to you guys :heart:
Thank you to everyone for the comments :D
Haruko: I think I'll keep it a secret for now, so I'll let you decide if it's TakaHaru or not keke :kekeke:
02 – Actresses in the Making
“Maeda-san, we’re ready for you.”
I look up from my script, the director’s assistant gesturing for me to come with him. I say a thanks to the make-up artist and hair designer and follow him to the set. Another day of acting. Another day of getting up at 5am. Another day of pushing my mind and body. Another day closer to becoming a better actress.
I’m glad that the assistant was ahead of me because as soon as I began to walk, my muscles ached with protest. I wince with the sudden pain, but I had to go on. Even if my body felt as heavy as lead, I still carried on walking. This is my life now, until the drama was over.
It was actually all thanks to Minami, who convinced me to audition for this drama.
To summarise, it is about this high school boy who discovers that his old childhood friend has moved back into town and will be transferring into his class. However, all those years ago, she had left without a word so their reunion begins with bad terms. However, soon they begin to develop feelings towards each other but situations and realisations prevent them from admitting their feelings to each other and themselves. It’s quite a good drama, with a few bits of comedy and angst thrown in. As soon as I received the script, I really wanted to audition. However, I was intimidated by the people who were going to be in the drama; Ikuta Toma, Okada Masaki, Kuroki Meisa, Yamamoto Yusuke, Ueno Juri, and many others. And the script that the agency sent me highlighted the part of the main girl, the childhood friend. The competition would be fierce. It did not help that my confidence was the size of a rice grain.
I was going to decline the offer but Minami had stopped me.
“You should at least try out for the part.” she said. “Who cares who you are up against? You are a great actress. I should know because I’ve watched every single episode of all your dramas.”
“You’re just saying that.” I had answered, unconvinced.
“I’m not!” Minami had insisted. “If anyone’s going to get the part, it’s you. You’re more talented than you think you are Atsuko. I don’t know anyone else who can cry with a drop of a pencil.”
I had smiled at that, her grin infectious.
“Besides, even if you don’t get the part, it doesn’t matter. At least you can tell yourself you tried. You can go on living knowing you don’t regret anything. I mean I tried out for so many auditions, but then I got into AKB48. Luck, fate, and perseverance. You have all those on your side.”
I still remember that stare she looked at me with. One that was filled with belief, reassurance and an endless adoration. It still made my heart flutter.
“And I’ll even come to the audition with you, if you want.”
Even though I really wanted Minami to come, I had declined the offer with a small shake of my head.
“No, it’s okay. You’re right. I’ll go to the audition. And even if I don’t get it, at least I still have you.”
The following embrace made my soul sing. Though small, Minami’s body emitted such loving warmth and provided an invisible security, I always tried to hug Minami at any possible chance. She was the only one who could make me feel this way.
The following days after the audition were nerve-wracking. However, as irritable as I became, Minami still stuck by my side and endured my troublesome attitude. Then, when I got the call saying I got the part, we celebrated immensely, with the AKB members and each other.
I am truly grateful for her existence. I am the luckiest person in the world. And no matter how tired I become, or how frustrated I get, I always know Minami is there for me. She is the one I work and live for. So, even if my body gives in to the burning pressures, even if my voice goes hoarse from practising lines and songs with Minami, even if my eye-bags become permanently embedded into my skin, I will continue.
With a nod to myself, I decide. Tonight, I was going to show Minami how much she means to me.
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“Oshima-san we’re ready for you.”
I nod as I stand up from my set chair. The scene with Maki-senpai and Mao-senpai had just finished, where Mao-senpai tells Maki-san she expects her boyfriend is cheating on her. Watching the doubt and trust on Mao-senpai’s face, and the guilt and fear on Maki’s senpai’s, it was inspiring. How one minute they were happily talking, then the next moment their expressions changed into emotions that could show exactly how they were feeling, without any words. I want to be an actress just like that.
I bow to Maki-senpai and Mao-senpai, as they leave the set. They smiled, patting my shoulders encouragingly, before leaving. At every chance I got, I would try to watch the other cast act, watching how they took a scene and enhanced it with their style of acting. It was interesting and valuable. And they even welcomed me, offering helpful tips. It was amazing, almost like a dream. One that I wish I would never wake from.
Alone, I step onto the stage. My next scene is to be with Hayami-senpai. We would act out the scene where his character discovers mine had lied, and has not told her sister about what her best-friend had done to her. It was a very dramatic scene, and I wondered if I even had the skills to pull it off.
Suddenly, I see Hayami-senpai step onto the set. He waved when he saw me. I did the same, watching as he made his way to the stage. Hayami Mokomichi - the same man that starred in Zettai Kareshi and Hammer Session - was being my acting partner. It was surreal.
“Hayami-senpai.” I greet, bowing quickly. “Good morning.”
“Good morning Yuko-chan.” he returned, grinning his charming smile. “Are you ready?”
“Of course!” I devotedly replied, pumping my fist.
The short laugh he emitted was deep and masculine, one that was sure to make girls swoon.
“I’m glad to hear it. So, have you thought about what I asked you last time?”
I froze. Thought about it? That was all I had been thinking about!
Last week, we had filmed our first kiss scene, which I had felt extremely nervous about. However, even though Hayami-senpai had made me feel as comfortable as possible, I also felt guilty. Guilty towards Haruna. Sure, she had filmed kiss scenes too, but even so, I couldn’t help feel I was deceiving her. I hadn’t even told her about it, when before, she had the decency to tell me. And to be honest, I wasn’t even sure why I haven’t yet told her. Maybe I was scared. Scared that she would be angry, annoyed, leave me forever. Even the thought of it made me want to cry.
Thank goodness the scene was over in one take. But then, two days later, in our next scene, Hayami-senpai gave me his number. I accepted, knowing it would be best to widen my contacts. However, he then said something unexpected.
“I was wondering if you’ll like to go out this Saturday?” he had asked, after filming.
I know I hesitated, because then he said. “You don’t have to answer me right now. Just let me know.”
And before I could even respond, he headed back to his dressing room. And from then on, my head has been in turmoil. Saturday was the only day I had off, and I wanted to spend it with Haruna. However, how could I refuse an offer to such an influential senpai? My agency would kill me if they knew I denied such a chance to spread my name. Yet, there was Haruna to consider. I am not naïve. I know that he and I were only friends and colleagues, but with this invitation, it seemed he wanted something more. Though it could just be me overthinking the situation, and Hayami-senpai might just want to get to know me better, it seemed rather ambiguous. I felt that I needed to discuss it with Haruna first.
But it was now the day before Saturday, and I have not spoken to Haruna about it, nor have I made a decision myself.
“So?” pressed Hayami-senpai. “Are you free this Saturday?”
“I…”
Hopeful eyes stared down at me.
“I..."
Then Haruna's face flashed before my mind.
"I... I’m sorry.” I finally spat out.
My heart had made the decision for me. I couldn’t do it to Haruna.
“Ahh…I can’t say I’m not sad about that.” spoke Hayami-senpai, his voice and face now down-casted. “Well, next time.”
I half-smiled. “Yes, maybe.”
“Okay, everyone, get ready.” called the director.
I step into position, while Hayami-senpai does the same. I transform myself into Matsumoto Hana, while Hayami-senpai becomes Takanishi Akira. However, just before the director could cry action, I saw the disappointment in Hayami-senpai’s eyes. And it made my heart twinge with regret.
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Bidding farewell to my manager, I walk towards Minami’s house. Well, our house. We have been living together for five months now and each day is like a blessing. And as soon as I enter, my body immediately relaxes. It seemed that the house had that power over me. Or, maybe, it was because it was filled with Minami’s scent. Warm, sweet and safe.
“Minami, I’m home.” I call.
No answer. Slightly frowning, I head to the main room.
“Minami?” I unsurely repeat.
Again, there was no answer. Kitchen, dining room, bathroom, bedroom, Minami was nowhere in sight. She was supposed to be home today, at least, according to her schedule. All she had was a studio recording to do in the early afternoon. And now it was past 7 in the night.
Confused and slightly worried, I made my way back to the front room. With a sigh, I sit down at the dining table. Then, for the first time since I’ve arrived, I notice the small note on the table. Picking it up, I immediately recognise Minami’s handwriting.
Have gone to Haruna’s place.
Dinner’s in the fridge.
I’m not sure why, but jealousy bloomed within me.
I know they’re part of the same team, same group, and were still in AKB together, but they are always together. More so recently. I understood I might have been busy, and I didn’t tell Minami I was going to be home early today, but I wanted to surprise her. Perhaps I am being greedy or selfish, but I want Minami to be here with me.
With a defeated sigh, I get up and open the fridge. Might as well fill my stomach if I’m going to be alone tonight.
But as soon as I lay my eyes on the covered dish, a smile crept onto my face, pushing away the frown. My heart swelled with gratitude and adoration.
Omurice.
My favourite.
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“Nyan-Nyan, I’m home.” I holler. “There’s something I-”
I stop as soon as I realise that we were not alone. Takamina smiled from the couch, with Haruna sitting particularly close to her.
“Hi Yuko.” she greeted.
“Hi…”
“Yuu-chan come in, we just finishing a film.” Haruna added, stepping up to refill their mugs.
I slightly frowned, seeing that the mugs were our couple mugs, with matching designs. Pink and with little red hearts, with a centre animal print. The one with the squirrel is mine, whereas hers is with the cat.
“Come sit down.” called Takamina, patting the space next to her, away from Haruna's seat.
I could only nod, making my way to the spot. With a heavy exhale, I dropped my butt onto the soft cushion with a thud.
“Have you had dinner yet?” Takamina asked.
“Not yet. Did you?”
“Yeah we did.” Haruna replied, coming back from the kitchen. “Takamina brought sushi.”
Nyan-Nyan’s favourite.
“We have some left over, if you want some.” said Takamina.
I shake my head. “It’s okay, I’m not that hungry.”
I suddenly feel a loss of appetite.
“Are you sure?” asked Haruna, a small pout on her lips which always made my heart slightly ache.
I nod, smiling. “Yeah, I had a big lunch.” I partly lied.
Smiling again, Haruna passed Takamina her mug, with the squirrel, and placed mine in front of me. It was the plain white mug, with small colourful dots. The one we usually used for guests.
With a rather heavy heart, I picked up the mug, carefully sipping at the burning hot chocolate. As the scalding sweet liquid slid down my throat, it mixed unhealthily with the bitterness that swirled within me. I wasn’t sure why, but whenever Takamina and Haruna were alone, I became jealous. Perhaps it was because they had known each other longer, or they were in the same team, even in the same group, but their bond always made me envious. And though I loved Takamina, and I’m sure that their relationship is harmless, Haruna is Haruna. She is mine.
As I sip silently at the hot chocolate, feeling isolated from the other two to the left of me, I almost did not hear the question.
“How is the drama going?” Takamina asked.
I felt my heart stop. I coughed as the warm drink went down the wrong hole as I gasped. Takamina is suddenly patting my back, with Haruna taking the drink from my hands, while I almost cave over from the incisive coughing.
That was why I wanted to be alone with Haruna today. I had wanted to discuss the situation with Hayami-senpai. But with Takamina here, it was rather difficult bringing the subject up. And I had almost forgotten about it, if it weren’t for Takamina asking about the drama.
When my coughing died down, I held my hand up as if surrendering.
“I’m fine. I’m fine.” I say.
Looking up, I saw Haruna looking at me with concern. She held out a glass of water, which I wondered when she got that. Smiling gratefully, I take small mouthfuls. Haruna was always there for me. Suddenly, Haruna scooted to the right of me, making Takamina and me scoot over to make room. Her arms drew around me, her head resting on my shoulder. I felt myself glow with happiness as it was only Haruna and me left in the world.
I’ll tell her in the morning. She needed to know. I’m sure she’ll understand why I need to spend my day with Hayami-senpai tomorrow.
-
whoah! OMG OMG OMG!!! :luvluv1: I love the way you make my heart ache reading that "ATSUMINA" coldness.. or one sided coldness.. Acchan Y U make TakaMina feel so lonely! waaaaa..
I hope TakaHaru wont develop here. I still aim for AtsuMina but It's okay for me if you'll make Yuko and damn Acchan to feel jealous towards their love. At least they can feel the pain the other two are experiencing. It's about time!! REVENGE!!! LOL! :kekeke:
But of course please let ATSUMINA and KOJIYUU still togetheeeerrrrr at the end!!! :pleeease:
UPDATE SOON PLEAAASE !!!! :kneelbow:
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whoah! OMG OMG OMG!!! :luvluv1: I love the way you make my heart ache reading that "ATSUMINA" coldness.. or one sided coldness.. Acchan Y U make TakaMina feel so lonely! waaaaa..
I hope TakaHaru wont develop here. I still aim for AtsuMina but It's okay for me if you'll make Yuko and damn Acchan to feel jealous towards their love. At least they can feel the pain the other two are experiencing. It's about time!! REVENGE!!! LOL! :kekeke:
But of course please let ATSUMINA and KOJIYUU still togetheeeerrrrr at the end!!! :pleeease:
UPDATE SOON PLEAAASE !!!! :kneelbow:
yeah!! jelousy its funnny :D.. and acchan and yuko need to recorver their girls.. :D
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Somehow, now I think there will be AtsuYuu instead of TakaHaru.. Hurm.. :mon dunno:
The jealousy might blinded both of them.. and end up doing something shocking!! :mon closeup:
but it's still early to predict what might happen..LOL.. :mon sweat:
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I wonder who cheats on and with who . Maybe everybody cheats on with everybody lol
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will it become AtsuYuu and TakaHaru (http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f318/wildgamer/onionhead/pala%20bawang/emo-hmm.gif)
or AtsuHaru and TakaYuu (http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f318/wildgamer/onionhead/pala%20bawang/emo-hmm.gif)
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I predict Haruna being angry over Yuko's decision to go on a 'date' with Hayami instead of Haruna. Then she would blurt to Yuko about the kissing scene she saw on TV, and Yuko wouldn't know how to respond or would try to explain, but we all know our Tsundere model... So they might break up, or be apart for awhile... :panic: :panic: :panic: :panic: :panic: :panic: :panic:
And about AtsuMina... I predict Minami being more and more insecure, as Atsuko is really tired and exhausted from her work, and she's not spending enough time with her Takamina... That might make this couple also break apart for awhile...
Back to KojiYuu, I hope a 'date' with Hayami won't bring a scandal.... I hope his intentions are only good... :panic: :panic: :panic: :panic: :panic:
BTW, I have read your tumbrl fics, and OH MY F*CKING GOD, they were HOT TO DEATH :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood: :mon blood:
I especially loved KojiYuu (I'm biased towards Yuko-sama), but I loved others A LOT too :wub: :wub: :wub: :wub:
Plz update soon!!!!
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my comment for part 1 :
ACCHAN THE HELL YOU'RE BEING COLD TO TAKA :mon yell: DONT YOU KNOW HOW HARD SHE TRY TO GET THAT!! :mon annoy:
my comment for part 2 :
:mon nyah: jealous jealous jealous Acchan, I like it.
You look suspicious melon-san :mon suspect: TakaHaru and AtsuYuu are just parts of the conflicts here, I hope. coz I don't want my AtsuMina to be separated :mon tantrum2:
and some1 showed me your AtsuMina fic and wow, I loved it :mon blood:
I'm waiting for the next part :mon evillaff:
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waaaaaaaa what a great fic!
That TakaHaru there,bringing conflicts between AtsuMina and KojiYuu is really interesting!
Hope you update soon!
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sakura_drop_ : Thank you for reading my tumblr fics :mon lol:
moekare : Suspicious? Me? Nooo~ :mon innocent:
Thank you for everyone's enthusiastic comments XD
And please enjoy this chapter :)
03 – Sweet Promises
The sound of cooking and the smell of sweet pastry made my stomach rumble and my eyes open. With a yawn and a loud stretch, I sit up. Sleepily, I head to the source of the noise. Each step I take, the scent becomes more and strong, until my mouth is practically drooling. To my surprise, a small figure stands at the kitchen, humming as she flipped the pan.
“Yuu-chan?” I drowsily murmur.
I see Yuko stop, and then suddenly spin round, pan and spatula still in her hand. She was wearing her large grin, revealing all her freshly brushed teeth. The same smile that I loved.
“Good morning Nyan-Nya…” she trailed off.
I watch Yuko’s eyes drift from my face, down my body. Following her gaze, I realise that I’m only wearing my single nightie. My face reddens and I draw my arms up over my chest.
“Yuu-chan!”
Yuko, shaking her head to rid her perverted thoughts, looked away bashfully.
“Y-You should get ready.” she sputtered, going back to cook the pancakes. “Breakfast will be ready by then.”
I nod and hurry to the bedroom. Her gaze always makes my heart pound, and that is not what I need first thing in the morining.
-------------- Later --------------
Returning to the kitchen, fully freshened, ready for work and my meet-up with Mariko, I sit myself at the dining table. I smile as Yuko lays my plate in from of my, stacked generously with pancakes. My grin grows when I see that on top of the pile, Yuko had shaped the syrup into a dripping heart. Much like how my heart melted with Yuko’s attention.
“What’s the occasion?” I ask, waiting until Yuko herself was seated across me with her pancakes.
“No occasion. Since it’s my day off, I thought I would make my girlfriend breakfast before she goes off to earn money.”
I happily giggle, quickly giving thanks for the food, and dig in. I sound my delight as soon as I take a bite, the sweetness exploding my taste buds.
“Yummy~” I drawl.
I watch Yuko laugh, helping herself to the food too.
“Nyan-Nyan…” Yuko voiced after a few moments.
“Hmm?”
I look up from at Yuko, watching her poke her pancakes with her fork. I slightly frown, knowing her habit. It meant she was either nervous or anxious.
“What is it?” I question, worried.
“Well, it’s just… I have to go out later.”
“Okay… And?”
“And it’s with… Hayami-senpai.”
I cough, spluttering as the sharply inhaled air when down the wrong hole. Yuko is instantly by my side, patting my back. It reminds me of what happened to Yuko only yesterday.
“What do you mean?” I choke, recovering from my coughing fit. “As in, you and Hayami-senpai… alone?!” I demand.
“Well…yeah.” carefully replied Yuko. “He just wants to get to know me a bit better and I thought it would be good to broaden my friend circle.”
I couldn’t help but scoff. I stand from my seat, glaring at Yuko who had retreated a few steps back.
“How could you not tell me sooner?” I exclaim.
“I wanted to but Takamina was here yesterday and I didn’t think it was a good idea to talk about it when she was here.” she desperately explained.
“What about when she left?” I angrily insist. “What about the days before? When you had all the chances in the world to tell me that you were going on a DATE with Hayami-senpai?”
“It’s not a date and…I don’t know… I just didn’t know how to bring it up.” whimpered Yuko.
I feel the nasty rage and irritation build inside me. I’m not sure if what was clogging my throat was the tainted pancakes, or the feeling of being betrayed and deceived, but I couldn’t look at Yuko anymore.
“I can’t believe this. First it was the kiss, now this.”
“You saw that?” asked Yuko, surprise and guilt mixed into her voice.
“Of course I did!” I snap. “I watch all your episodes.”
“Nyan-Nyan…” she whined, as if she was actually touched by my devotion.
“Forget it.” I bark. “I have to go now. Just go on your stupid date with your boyfriend.”
“Haruna-”
However, I am already out of the door before I can hear anymore of her excuses.
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Atsuko’s shimmering hair flicked back and forth as she looked for her keys. Even though it was morning, and she was rushing around like a terrified chicken, I think she looks amazing. Though Atsuko is beautiful in any form, I like it most when she has her guard down, only letting me see her imperfect and most vulnerable moments.
“I’m sure I left them here…” I hear her mutter to herself, as she flustered around the house.
I smile to myself, letting myself guiltily enjoy Atsuko’s extended company. Perhaps this was a sign for me to ask Atsuko my question, to be unafraid of the possible decline.
“I’m free today at lunch.” I announce.
I hear Atsuko make a sound of acknowledgement from the living room. Taking this as a signal to continue, I add, “And, I was thinking of maybe we could go out to lunch and-”
“I’m sorry Minami, I can’t.”
Ouch. Shot down already. I had expected this, but not for it to be as quick and as painful as that. Upset, I wait for her to explain as she continued to search for the keys, seemingly not noticing my lack of help.
“We have a new member of the cast coming in today and I have to practice my lines with her during lunch, while getting ready for our scene together.” I listen to her explain.
“Okay.” I reply, giving voice to my understanding. “Maybe I could come down to the studio and we can have lunch there?”
“Aha!” I hear her shout as she suddenly pulled the jingling keys from the fruit bowl on the counter.
I can’t help but feel annoyed at her triumph. But now her full attention was on me, and I can see the regret on her face, making my chest ache with remorse for not aiding her.
“I don’t think that will work either.” Atsuko admits. “Everyone will be busy and I might not be able to even have lunch.”
I couldn’t stop the frown from appearing on my face. It was Atsuko’s nice way of saying that I would get in the way. I sigh, my head bowing with defeat. I watch Atsuko step towards me, a saddened expression on her face, probably matching my own. Her hands grip my arms tenderly, stroking them up and down while my hands held onto the table edge I was currently sitting on. I let out an easy exhale, feeling the shivers of delight run through me from Atsuko's seemingly simple touch. However, only Atsuko could cause such a reaction from me, making feel relaxed or alert immediately with a single touch.
“I’m sorry but I’ll make it up to you tonight, I promise.”
With a quick kiss to my lips, which immediately replaced the pout with a smile, I nodded. She grinned, before heading to the door.
“Okay, I’ll wait for you.” I call.
“Okay. I love you!” she returned, before closing the door behind her.
“I love you too.” I softly whisper, to myself.
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My fork stabbed angrily at the teriyaki chicken. Crossly, I shove it into my mouth, chewing loudly, not caring about manners or common etiquette. Then, with a strong gulp without even tasting the succulent meat, I stab again at the thoughtfully placed chicken pieces.
“Did the chicken do something to offend you?”
I flick my eyes towards Mari-chan, who sat opposite me. She has a somewhat look of disdain on her face. Coming to my senses, I put down the fork forcefully, though carefully. I am an idol after all.
“Mari-chan, listen to this.” I finally say. “Guess where Yuko is?”
“Where?” almost sighed Mari-chan. She’s probably tired of hearing me complain about Yuko. But this time, it was serious.
“She’s on a stupid date with Hayami-senpai!” I exclaim.
“Lucky her.” Mari-chan casually replies.
“Lucky?” I almost shout, but realised in time I was in a public place. “How is that lucky?” I hiss instead.
“Well, Hayami-senpai is a large figure in the acting industry. He can help Yuko spread her name, offer her tips and whatever actors do.”
Watching Mari-chan slurp at her ramen, I mull over what she just said. This was not what I expected from this conversation with Mariko. I was hoping for her to understand my situation and to at least sympathise with me. And yet, I hate to admit it, but she is right. Hyami-senpai could be a huge stepping stone for Yuko, lifting her up to more job offers and with dramas carrying higher reputations. However, it didn’t extinguish the flame of envy and aggravation burning within me. And though I trust Yuko with my life, there’s still an inkling of panic.
“But what if it’s really a date?” I anxiously ask. “What if Yuko really falls for him?”
Mari-chan stared at me with an arched eye-brow, as if she couldn’t believe I actually asked what I did.
“This is Yuko we’re talking about? The one that did not give up even though you denied your feelings for ages, until you finally realised what a catch Yuko is? The girl that has loved you for years and still does? The Yuko that basically has a shrine dedicated to you? That Oshima Yuko?”
“Okay I get it.” I surrender.
I play with the remaining chicken, the talk making me lose my appetite.
“But what if Hayami-senpai makes a move?” I ask lastly.
“I don’t think you need to worry. Just believe in her.” advices Mari-chan. “Besides, I’m sure it’s just a harmless meeting.”
As much as I want to believe Mari-chan’s words, I could not help but feel the hint of doubt in my mind. But she was right; I just needed to trust Yuko. And that, I already do. So it’s one step closer to being a more reasonable girlfriend.
However, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t stop cursing and threatening Hayami-senpai in my head.
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The cherry dog flies in the air as I repeatedly throw him up, catching him easily as he descended back down. I finally got back from my schedule, which ended at 9pm. Now, it is 10pm. I’ve been waiting for Atsuko for an hour. And yet, I don’t mind. Even though boredom is an easy thing to contract, it didn’t bother me. Just the thought of Atsuko being able to spend one relaxed night with me is enough.
---------- 1 Hour Later ---------
Scooping at the strawberry ice cream, I watch my One Piece Volume 3 DVD set. However, though it was at a particularly funny part, I didn’t even bother to smile. My mind is preoccupied with too many thoughts, that I’m not even paying attention to the anime.
Perhaps Atsuko is just being held up at work. Probably the new person making lots of NGs, holding up the shoot. Yeah, it must be that.
---------- 1 Hour Later ---------
The empty ice-cream pot landed in the bin with a hollow thud. Throwing the spoon into the sink for me to wash tomorrow, I head back to the couch. I hit play again and continue the current episode. It was a good thing I watched this DVD three times before, otherwise I would not have a clue what was going on. I try to distract my mind from thinking about where Atsuko was, but it doesn’t work.
Was she with her crew-mates, out enjoying herself with her new cast member? Did she forget about her promise?
“She couldn’t have.” I whisper to myself.
Atsuko has never gone back on a promise she made, at least, not to me. Laughing at my ridiculous idea of Atsuko forgetting her promise, I try to concentrate on the television. I chortle when Nami hits Luffy on the head, convincing myself that my laugh was not forced in any way.
---------- 1 Hour Later ---------
1 am. I pick up my mobile phone and press 1, speed-dialling Atsuko. I wait, listening to the phone ring, the ringtone being my solo song. I wait, and wait, and wait, and-
“Atsuko?” I speak, hearing the dial tone go off.
“The person you have called is currently unavailable. Please try again later or leave a m-”
I close my phone, my patience running thin, and my anxiety increasing. Though Atsuko sometimes returned late, she usually rang me or at least texted me. I’m getting scared. I’ll send a text and wait one more hour. If I don’t get a reply, then I know something has happened. Please don’t let it be something.
---------- 1 Hour Later ---------
I stare at the message that glowed in the dark bedroom.
I’m not going to be home until later.
Go to sleep without me.
Acchan.
Emotionless and distant, like what Atsuko used to be like. I’m not sure why, but this was more painful than not knowing if something happened. The fact that she obviously was fine and seemed to only carelessly reply to my message made me hurt in ways I didn’t know were possible. And when did she start to address herself as Acchan? I curse myself for waiting so long, for no reason. Was I really just fooling myself into thinking Atsuko would remember the fleeting promise she had made this morning? Perhaps I am really just a fool, thinking Atsuko would make time in her now ever-growing busy schedule to make time for me.
Putting the phone on the bedside drawer, I lie in the bed, gazing at the cold and void space across me. I begin to feel the tears of disappointment, frustration and loneliness threatening to fall from my eyes. I manage to stop them, but it didn’t stop my heart from cracking. ‘Be strong Takamina.’ I tell myself. ‘For Atsuko.’ However, even that didn’t seem to cure the awful throbbing in my chest, where my heart is.
Tearing my eyes from the empty side of the bed, I turn, facing my back towards where Atsuko slept. And with that, I feel myself fall asleep, my body heavy with exhaustion. But just before I fall asleep, I think a final thought.
I hope I don’t cry in my sleep.
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Oh, my guesses were correct :panic: :panic: :panic:
Update soon, I wanna know what happens later...
Poor Takamina and Yuko-sama...
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OMG!! many things happen.. of course yuuchan love you haruna.. she wait for so long for your love..
and Acchan I mad with her... You going to loose minami.. take care of her ok...
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:panic: :panic:
who sent that email to Taka? :panic:
omg Acchan where are you? :frustrated:
It probably has something to do w/ those new casts!! They kidnapped her! :panic:
Melon-san please update ASAP! Poor Nyan2 and Taka :gyaaah:
It is more suspicious :kekeke:
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Really interesting the conflict that you are creating .
Haruna has to relax Mariko is right Yuko loves her!
Regarding Acchan and Takamina ... I hope Acchan repent of these actions, but do not know why I get the impression that will not do it with bad intentions. But ... Minami is hurting and ... That is unforgivable.
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Throughout this chapter, the only thing I can say is.. my heart hurts for Takamina.. :fainted:
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this is madness...this is dramaaaa :frustrated:
poor takamidget and nyannyan... :pleeease:
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I get what Takamina is going trough. ACchan may lose her.... soon.. Waiting for the next chapter. :deco:
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I LOVE YOUR FICS ESPECIALLY THE SRSLY NSFW ONES
AWESOME SMUTTTT YOU HAVE ON TUMBLR.
I'm thinking of using your livejournal community. But IDK whether I have time.
WAITING FOR YOUR NEXT UPDATE!!!!!!!!
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OUCH.. for takamina. I'm really loving this series. I'm dying to know what'll happen on your future updates.
and btw, I'm also a huge fan of you Smutchy fics :thumbup
Thankyou and Please do update soon :bow:
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I agree with Flean, my heart aches for Takamina too.. Acchan how could you be so cold towards her!! why you!!! You'll regret this!!!! :on voodoo: :on speedy: :tantrum:
But of course I still love my AtsuMina to be together in the end :luvluv2:
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epiclulz: Thank you for enjoying my smuts lol. Ooo that would be good but it is up to you. If you have fanwork work you wanna post and share, come join the community, we welcome you with open arms :on woohoo:
crazywota: Ahh yes, fellow tumblr user, thank you for liking my smuts :tama-lotsaluv:
Thank you for everyone's comments :k-thrilled:
This chapter took a bit longer to write, but it is longer. So please read and comment :)
04 – New Laughter
Light freckles of water float onto my skin as I wait by the fountain, the summer heat kept at bay by the tiny droplets. However, the argument from this morning still loomed over me. Haruna was truly angry at me, and for the first time, she had walked away from me. Usually, she would at least watch me beg for her forgiveness before giving in. But this time, she just left without another word. It aches just thinking about the way she looked at me, her eyes, betrayed and hurt. And really it is my fault for not telling her sooner. What type of girlfriend am I?
And now, here I was, actually waiting for Hayami-senpai to arrive.
Maybe I should leave. Just call him now and tell him something urgent came up. Something to get me out of-
“Yuko-chan!”
I spin my body around to the call of my name. I see Hayami-senpai just across the fountain, the falling water making it look like a mirage, jogging round to meet me.
“Ha…Hayami-senpai.” I softly mutter as he stops in front of me.
“Did I make you wait?” he asks.
Shaking my head, I can’t help but notice what he was wearing. His open red short-sleeved checked shirt, with a simple white vest-top underneath, which emphasise his biceps and muscular upper body. His semi-tight black jeans that wrap around his long legs and his dazzling sneakers, which makes me jealous. It is such a nice outfit that I can’t help but think Hayami-senpai really is a handsome.
“You look nice today.” he adds.
I feel myself slightly blush, not sure if it was because of the comment, or the heat. I’m trusting it’s the latter.
“Thank you.” I reply.
To be honest, I didn’t particularly dress up today. I have my hair tied in a ponytail, wearing my awesome denim shorts, with my favourite high tops, and a normal checked shirt.
Suddenly I realise something. My shirt is red and checked-patterned. And Hayami-senpai’s is red and checked. It was almost like we were wearing a… couple outfit. Man, this is not going good.
“Shall we go?” he offers.
“Yes Hayami-senpai.”
He looked at me for a second, and then smiled his boyish grin.
“Just call me Mokomichi.”
I feel myself hesitate but I offer a small smile anyway, regret etching at my heart.
“Okay…Mokomichi-san.”
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The hair dresser fussed with my hair while I read my script. My mood was heavy from having to leave Minami again. I really did want to have lunch together, but I couldn’t. Even if I agreed, Minami would most likely be left alone for most of it, and it would only make us even lonelier; to know that she was within a touching distance, but I couldn’t even speak to her. It’s too hard to even imagine.
Today is going to be especially busy. With the new cast member being introduced and the day packed full of scenes to be shot with Toma-senpai and her, it was going to be tiring. The arriving actress will be playing the younger sister role of Toma-senpai’s character, Yakima Kojiro. Her character just comes back from studying in England to find out that her brother’s childhood friend has returned into his life. And because she knows of the trouble that the childhood friend put her brother through, she becomes one of the obstacles to their friendship and relationship.
I’m curious to know who the new actress is, seeing as I and none of the other cast, were told who the new person would be. However, I expect she would be near my age since the sister is supposed to be sixteen years old, while my character was eighteen.
With my makeup and hair done, I head to the set. As I enter, I see a small crowd of people, circled around a single person. Curiously, I walk closer, wondering who the person was. As the gathering saw me coming, they slowly parted until I could see the stranger. She turned to me and I stop, astonishment filling me. I recognise her immediately.
Itaki Mizuki.
The same young woman who, being only 20 years old, had won the Best Newcomer Award for her role in the recent popular drama; Making Love Last. Plus her tall figure, cute face, and apparently wonderful personality made her the desire of everyone.
What was she doing here? I force a smile back at her when the director suddenly appears between the two of us.
“Oh, I’m glad you two are here. Acchan, this is Itaki Mizuki, our new cast member. Mizuki-chan, this is Maeda Atsuko, who will be working with you and showing you around today.”
I look at the director, whose smile was wide and happy, then to Itaki-san, her grin strangely matching his. I yet again force my smile, feeling slightly intimidated. She was my age, yet she was already recognised for her acting. Whereas I, though have been the main character in some popular dramas, has yet to be accepted as an actress.
“Pleased to meet you.” I slightly bow.
“Pleased to meet you.” she cheerfully returns. “Please treat me kindly Maeda-san.”
--------------- Later ---------------
I guide Mizuki-san back to our dressing rooms, so we could get ready for our separate scenes. It had been awkward at first, with only me and her. However, she has a bright personality so she easily made us both comfortable as I showed her around the studio.
“It must be hard, being alone now since AKB.” I hear her say.
“It is.” I answer. “But I sometimes go back to visit the theatre and the members, and we get together quite often so it doesn’t even feel like I’ve left.”
This is true. Some of the members and I get together at least once a month, updating me with whatever’s happened like new members, new singles, crazy wota experiences, everything. And when I visit, they welcome me like I’ve never graduated, letting me join in with the dances and songs while they practise. AKB48 is, and will always be, my family.
“But you must feel lonely, being deserted.”
I suddenly halt, her words striking me. She stops as well and looks behind her, staring at me innocently.
“I wasn’t deserted.” I retort.
“Sure you were.” Mizuki says, her smile wide and contemptuous. “You were so easily replaced.”
I feel my eyes widening with shock at what she was saying. What is going on?!
“I wasn’t replaced.” I argue back. “They just had to appoint a new ace.”
“Okay. Whatever you say.” Mizuki easily dismissed. "And I can’t believe I have to work with you.”
“What?” I snap, filled incredulity at her words and how she is acting now. Did she have a bipolar disorder?
“I mean, you’re from AKB48.” she irately continues. “And they have me acting with you. We are on completely different levels.”
Unbelievable disbelief riddled me to the spot.
“You’re just a rookie. And I’ve already received the Best Newcomer Award. Have you won anything for your ‘acting’?”
Come on say something. Anything!
But no words would come. I am too stunned to even blink. I watch her face morph with triumph and scorn. Then, she slightly curtsied, her smile back to the wide and dishonest guiltless self.
“I think I know my way round now. Thank you for showing me Atsuko-san.”
And as I watch her walk away, I remain in the same spot. Her words echoing in my head.
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Water almost comes out of my nose. Tears were edging out of my eyes. Yet I can’t stop. I can’t stop laughing.
“Wait, wait.” I gasp, managing to catch my sanity. “So he said that he was Hayami Mokomichi?”
“Right! And they believed him!” Mokomichi-san says incredulously.
Another bout of laughter escapes me as Mokomichi-san also chuckles, reliving the moment of his embarrassing past.
Today has been such an unanticipated enjoyable day. At first I thought it was going to be awkward, never having been out with an older male in a long time, and it was even more daunting since he is such a big senpai. However, we had talked about normal things, like how it’s like to be in AKB48, how it was like for him to start out in acting, our hobbies, our likes and dislikes; it was fascinating and fun.
And now it was coming to an end, nearly finishing our desert.
“So, do you have any questions about acting?” Mokomichi-san asks. “If you’ll like, I can offer you tips.”
“I’ll like very much!” I excitedly exclaim.
I knew this wasn't a date. I was just being overly cautious.
Mokomichi-san lightly chuckles laughs at my outburst. “Okay then. Fire away.”
“Well, I…” I begin, slightly hesitating with a tint of blush on my cheeks from embarrassment. “I have trouble with… intimate scenes.”
“Intimate?”
“Yes. As in those scenes where Hana is passionate about her love for Akira and wants to show it but can’t. Or when they do, it’s desperate and zealous. I find it difficult to capture her feelings, and to get into character for those types of scenes.”
In the drama, Hana and Akira’s relationship is forbidden. With Akira having been in prison and Hana being from quite a high class family, her parents would never allow such a relationship. Therefore, Hana has kept her feelings secret. However, Akira knows them and tries to get her to confess. However, with the social pressures, Hana can’t bring herself to admit her crushing emotions.
But after a while, Hana finally convinces herself that she needs to tell Akira her feelings, and that she wants to start a real relationship. Then, they begin their secret, tangled, forbidden, relationship.
Usually I try to use my love for Haruna to drive my intimate scenes. Like the way Haruna smells when she finished showering makes me what to hold her all day. Or how the way Haruna smiles, makes me want to take a picture of her every time so I can make a photo album of all her smiles. And how Haruna says I love you, quietly and bashfully, making me tremble with happiness and content, and makes me want to rain kisses all over her body.
However, it was too difficult to define my feelings in a specific scene, especially when I became too lost in myself to continue the lines. I want to learn how actors took all these experiences and manipulated them to fit their character and act in such a convincing way, making scenes so heart-wrenching it brought tears to the audience.
“I see.” Mokomichi-san says, nodding in understanding. “Well, the best way of learning is by practising.”
And as soon as he said that, he moves his chair closer to mind until he was right next to me.
“Okay. Now, imagine you and Akira are on a date and you want to convey him the feelings you have felt for him for so long, but have yet to tell him.”
I think to the time that Haruna and I were yet in a relationship. How I only met her a few times, yet I wanted to tell her I loved her from the first time I laid my eyes on her. How just her voice could send butterflies fluttering up from my stomach to my mouth.
“Now think what Hana must feel. Fear, pain, and an unmistakable yearning.”
I stare at Mokomichi-san, imagining he was Haruna. How I felt when the feelings suddenly enveloped me, making me frightened beyond all belief. How I was confused when my heart beat so rapidly I thought it would burst from my chest, spluttering my secret pining for this random girl.
“How you stare at him, wondering if he ever noticed. Watching him laugh, walk, cry; all from a distance. That all you want to do is close that distance so you are his supporting pillar and no one else. That you are the person that he comes straight to when there is a problem.”
I remember the times when I passed Haruna in the hallway, when I was still new, how my head would follow her until she was out of the corridor and out of my sight. How her hair flowed so beautifully behind her, how each step she took was easy and poised, confidence and elegance embodied into one being. When I watched her giggle at Mariko's joke, and wished it was me that made her laugh that jingle of a laugh. How I sneak a glance every time she spoke, watching her lips forming the words so seductively. And then I think, ‘did she notice me’?
Then, during the rare practice sessions we had together, how I found myself staring at her. How each time she collapsed with overexertion, or cried with frustration, how I wanted to be the one that could come to her and support her. How I would imagine how I would hold her, hold her until her worries disappeared.
“How you want to touch him, but you can’t. Yet you know, with just a single movement, you could feel his skin brush against your own. That single touch, filling you with a warmth that only love could bring.”
When Haruna and I just started to get to know each other, I was filled with a great happiness, but a new despair. Each time we sat near each other, how I would have to refrain myself from reaching out, running my hands down the length of her tracksuit bottoms, was a new form of torture. How each time I thought about how easy it would be to lean in, brush her hair, how her scent enticed me to do so; with each time making me reprimand myself for thinking such indecent thoughts. How each time I would have to clench my fists until my nails almost burst through the skin, to stop the urges.
“How you imagine every moment you are together with him, if he is thinking about the same thing as you. How his hand would fit in yours, if they would fit perfectly as you imagined. What his caress would feel like against your cheek, sending the same tingles you get when he touches you. What his gaze would be like if he was just staring at you as if you were the only person in the world. What his lips would feel against yours, tasting and sharing the secrets that you kept hidden deep inside you and will only share with him.”
I think of when we finally became true friends. How her hand fit so easily and perfectly into mine. How I would embrace Haruna at any chance, letting drown into her kindness. How I would find any reason to touch her, caress her, to feel the softness of her skin against mine. How each stroke I yearned for more, but I couldn’t, insecurity unbalancing me. But with each touch, I fell deeper and deeper into the hole of love.
“How, if he did love you as much as you did, you would end up happily together forever, until death. When you have your first date, when you have your first anniversary, when you will get married, when you have children, grandchildren; you imagine it all. And that, when death arrives, you would contently welcome it, because you would know, you had spent your life with the person you love.”
The nights I spent fantasising about our future still lingers in my mind, haunting my dreams. From where we would go for dates, where we would get married, what we would name our children.
When I finally had courage to say those three words, ‘I love you’, she carelessly dismissed them. She probably thought I was joking, or was partly rejecting me, but either way it killed me inside. And yet, it made me even more determined to make her mine.
Then after so many years, Haruna finally admitted what she felt for me. It was like a dream come true. I still remember the night clearly. She had asked me out to dinner, just the two of us, which was rare as it is seeing as I was the one that usually had to initiate these ‘dates’. I had agreed immediately, donning a simple dress. Then she arrived, wearing her simple white dress, which may not have turned people's heads, but made me think an angel had appeared. After dinner, she stared at me with an emotion that I only had glimpsed at when I found her gazing at me from a distance. I knew immediately what it was, seeing my own reflection wearing the same expression. It was love. Then, she cupped my cheek, sending the same butterflies into me when I first laid eyes on her. When she leaned in, I remember seeing her cheeks red, her eyes glistening, her hand warm, and I could even see her eyelashes trembling. When she finally touched my lips with hers, I felt myself sink into her. I already knew I was hers, but now Haruna was mine, and I wouldn’t let her go.
I close my eyes, letting myself surrender into Haruna’s caress. I sigh blissfully as her warm hand cups my cheek, her thumb lightly grazing my warm skin, just like that night. Then, I let her kiss me, letting us combine together.
But I immediately snap open my eyes. This wasn’t Haruna.
I violently push Hayami-senpai away from me.
“What are you doing?” I indignantly exclaim.
He moved back, flustered and red, abnormal on his face.
“I’m sorry. Was I being too strong?”
“You do realise I’m still in AKB48?” I almost yell.
“I know you can’t have relationships but it’s only a kiss." he retorts, calmed down. "Don’t worry, I’ll keep it secret.”
He leans in again, but this time I’m prepared.
“Don’t touch me!” I shout, quickly standing up.
I glare down at him, his confused and arrogant expression irritating and disgusting me.
“I’m leaving Senpai. I hope you come to your senses by tomorrow. I’ll see you on the set.”
And I storm off without looking back, feeling sick to my stomach, pretending none of it just happened.
------------ Later -------------
Finally I return home. I had been in the arcade for the last two hours, hoping to forget everything that had happened today. But there was no such luck. Instead, I won over hundreds of arcade tickets, and just gave them away to some random boy. So, overall, I had an awful night, and now I have no money.
I wearily open the door and head to the living room, hoping to avoid Haruna who was probably in the bedroom. But the first thing I see is Haruna, sleeping soundly on the couch. My entire being fills with such an unbearable guilt that I couldn’t help but fling myself across the room and hug Haruna so tightly around the waist she probably thought our lives depended on it.
“Yuko?” she sleepily mumbles, awakened by my sudden embrace.
I bury my face into Haruna’s stomach, unable to look at her.
“How was it today?” she asked, and even if it was mixed with doziness, I can still sense the slight bitterness to her tone. I squeeze my eyes close, willing the tears not to fall.
“Please forgive me.” I whisper.
I feel Haruna sit up, my position slightly shifting so my head is buried in her lap, but my arms still tightly wrapped around her waist. Haruna starts brushing my hair, the action usually transmitting her calmness into me but did absolutely nothing but increase my already speeding heart rate.
“It’s okay.” I hear her mutter; even though I was sure she didn’t hear me. “I've forgiven you. Besides, I'm the one that should say sorry. I was being paranoid. I mean, it was silly of me to think you and Hayami-san would do anything.”
I muffle my whimper in her large shirt. And the tears, that I had tried so hard to keep within me, escaped and lightly soaked the material underneath me.
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“Cut!”
I stop, taking a step back from the secretly smirking Itaki Mizuki.
“Come on Acchan. Please do this properly.” calls the director, becoming impatient. “I’m sure everyone wants to go home.”
This is already the fifth NG, and we are thirty minutes over the time we were scheduled to finish.
“It was my fault!” suddenly exclaims Itaki, her voice wickedly high and sweet. “Please don’t blame Atsuko-san.”
I grit my teeth, almost painfully. If it wasn’t for her stepping on my foot, I wouldn’t have winced and faltered during the scene, causing the NG. And in some way, she was always the cause of the NGs. I was beginning to lose my temper when she sneezed, causing the first NG, then she made me trip in the second take, during the third she pushed into me making me stumble, and in the fourth she opened with a different line making me stutter over mine.
I was already late to go home, and I hadn’t even texted Minami yet. I don’t want to let her down, but if this continues, I probably won’t get home until the early hours of the day. And I don't want to break my promise.
“Oh Mizuki-chan, it’s okay.” the director buzzes. “Everyone into your positions. Let’s do this for Mizuki-chan.”
I’m going to throw up.
I step onto my mark, staring at Itaki, anger and confusion running through me. Why was she doing this to me?
“Action!”
------------- 2 Retakes Later --------------
“Cut!”
I stop, breathing a sigh of relief.
“Okay that’s it for today.” announces the director. “Good work everyone.”
I watch as Itaki jogs to the staff, observing the way she smiles and laughs at nearly everything the director says, who was obviously praising her. I feel like vomiting again. Dejectedly, I bow to the staff and head to the dressing room hurriedly, so I can get there before Itaki and leave without having to see her. I don’t know what her deal is, but I don’t have time for confrontation, I have to get home to Minami.
Rushing to the dressing room, I quickly get changed, and hurry to the locker room. Expecting no one there, I brashly open the door, but freeze. Itaki was standing right in the middle of the room, just about to open her locker. She smirks, seeing it was me, while I coldly glance at her, closing the door behind me. I brush past her, not bothering to even acknowledge she was there, and open my locker.
“Good work Atsuko-san.”
I ignore her, taking out my mobile. Unlocking it, I see the miss call icon on the corner of my phone. I give it a ring, but as expected, after ringing, it went to voicemail. I quickly decide to send a text to Minami, who was probably sleeping now, to explain and apologise why I was late and that I didn’t forget her promise.
When are you getting home?
Minami x
I can’t help but grin, seeing Takamina’s usual lack of affection in her texts. Yet, when we were at home, she couldn’t be more adorable. And only I know that. About to return a message, I notice something. If this was a new message, why did the normal new message icon not appear on my phone? Suddenly, I realise there was more on the page. Scrolling down, I see another message. However… it was from me.
I’m not going to be home until later.
Go to sleep without me.
Aachan.
I feel my blood run cold. Who could have sent this message? It surely wasn’t any of the staff since only the actresses use this locker. Plus, no other actress was working today except…
I turn to Itaki, my eyes blazing. She only looks at me innocently, the same expression that I wish I could wipe the floor with.
“You went into my locker?” I snarl.
“I did." Itaki immediately admits. "So what? Your phone was beeping so I decided to check who it was.”
“What gave you the right to answer my messages?” I demand, just about resisting the urge to punch the girl in the face.
“I was doing you a favour. That message was sent over an hour ago. I didn't want Takamina-san to be left unanswered. And your message tone is annoying. You should change it.”
I tighten my jaw with the new found hate. About to reprimand the girl, I decide to not. I did not need a scandal, nor did I need to sink to her level. Right now, I just needed to get home as soon as possible.
I push past her and run as quickly as possible. I hail a taxi and speed home, hoping Minami wasn’t too angry at me.
------------ Later -----------
I stand at the side of the bed, soundlessly watching Minami sleep. I listen to her gentle snore, one she only got when she was totally exhausted or when she stayed up late. The ache in my chest grew, my throat closing as the grief and exhaustion envelop me. I climb into bed, examining Minami’s sleeping face. I breathe in, every time Minami breathed out, hoping that this way that a bit of Minami would become part of me. Her courage, her huge heart, her patience… I admire and want them all.
I gaze at her sleeping face, so close, yet so far. I could easily move my head just an inch forward and our noses would be toughing. However, I don’t. Instead, I hold onto the limp hand on the pillow and immediately feel the supporting warmth surround me. I let my eyes close, letting my tears of frustration and sorry escape, and hope it wasn’t my imagination when I felt Minami’s hand slightly tighten around mine.
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The last scene made me cried.. :mon hanky: They both having a hard time for each other.. :on speedy: augh!! my heart~ :fainted:
Damn that Itaki bitch!!! :scolding: who do you think you are messing out with my AtsuMina.. :temper: just go and DIE!!! :on voodoo:
reading throughout this chapter, and to know how much both couples loving their partners.. :farofflook: somehow it just suffocated me knowing that something gonna happen soon.. :gyaaah:
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Arghhh damn that Itaki breaking my atsumina away!!! :angry:
i hope she'll get into some accident or something :twisted:
please update asap!!!! :bow:
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HNNGGG!! Damn you Itaki! I'll slap you hard bitch!! get away from our Atsumina!!!!! :mon mad: :mon zoom:
Waaa this is so hard.. they are both in pain.. :on speedy: I hope Minami could still have the patience and don't turn to others yet.. I hope she'd let Acchan explain everything coz Acchan herself does not want this either.. :gyaaah:
But anyways I'll just rely on your next update!! Please update sooner, though I know it's a bit hard.. it's just that.. this is sooooo exciting!! Can't wait any longer!!! :frustrated:
hahaha sorry I'm just crazy over your story :luvluv2: Arigato on your updates :kneelbow:
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:bleed eyes: noooooo!!!!
I'm going to kill that girl and man... who the heck are they to destroy kojiyuu and atsumina :(
Please update more :)
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That Bitch!!... argh!! come on acchan make your husband happy...
Yuuko you need to tell te true...
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wfywitghiuwr :bleed eyes:
i want to strangle those who stand between these two couples! rofl rofl
but omg D: kill the guy whos trying to take advantage of yuko!! *shakes fist*
forever crying for the pain of them four :(
great fic :) keep up the good work! :thumbup
cant wait til the next update :)
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Omfg I can't believe I missed this entry :shocked
HWAT THE FUCK IS THAT BICTH DOING :on voodoo: :on kimbo: :temper: :mon mad:
I hate her already for underestimating my Acchan! :mon worklate: That Itaki deserves my thousand punches :mon zoom: THOSE ARE FOR MY ATSUMINA, YOU BITCH!
Poor Takamina :( hope that grip is not Acchan's hallucination. Acchan needs to settle everything immedietaly!
ARGGHH THAT HAYAMI SENPAI! YOU KISSED YUKO :on voodoo: WHO THE HELL YOU ARE! YOU DARE TO KISS HER ARRGHH :scolding:
this chappie makes me feeling desperate :on cloudeye:
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wooowwwwwwwwwww
Poooooooooor Acchaaaaaan! T_T
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Thank you everyone for their passionate comments :shy2:
And once again, please read and comment :hee:
05 – Twisted Expectations
My eyes slowly blink open as my mind returns from the dreamland. My ears pick up on a noise which oddly sounds similar to an airplane landing. Then, when I fully regain conscious, I realise its Atsuko, drying her freshly washed hair. I stare at her for a few moments. When did she get back last night? But did it matter? She wasn’t here last night, when I was waiting for her. And as expected, she was heading to work, when it was only… 5.30am. Exhaustion and frustration, I push out with a deep sigh. It was a new day and I have to get over myself.
Atsuko turned the hairdryer off and turned back to me. From her tiny jump, I know that I surprised her, and I can’t help but smirk at the cuteness. I see her smile back at me, adoration in her eyes.
I remember when Atsuko stared at me in that way for the first time. I wasn’t sure what the emotion was. I just knew she was looking at me differently. However, I didn’t make much of it at first, too confused and bothered by my own developing feelings for Atsuko. But then, when I finally confessed, that smile with those eyes… I knew the look she gave me. It was one of love.
“Sorry.” Atsuko says, sitting on the bed, lightly playing with my bed hair. “Did I wake you?”
“It’s okay.” I sleepily mumble back, the soothing touch lulling me back to sleep.
“I’m sorry… about yesterday.”
I open my eyes, my heart stinging from the reminder. I wonder if my memories could just sink into the pillow under my head, letting me forget about last night.
“It’s fine.” I quietly answer, glancing at her.
I see Atsuko frown. “No it’s not.” She earnestly replies. “If that stupid Itaki didn't cause trouble... making me late... taking my phone... that dumb..."
"What?"
Atsuko suddenly stops mumbling to herself. "Nothing." she grins, lightly shaking her head.
I raise my brow with suspicion. From what I could barely hear, it seemed someone called Itaki had something to do with Atsuko lateness. And since I've never heard of this Itaki, I assume it is the new cast member. However, would a new cast member really have the audacity to do such a thing? But then again, it would explain the uncharacteristic text she had sent me. Plus, from how much it ruffled Atsuko, they must have affected her substantially.
“Don’t worry Atsuko.” I assure, though I did feel greatly comforted. “I get it.”
She smiled with relief. “I’ll definitely fulfil my promise tonight.”
I can’t help but beam with delight. She remembered her promise. I feel bad for even thinking that Atsuko would ever forget a promise between us.
“Since we only have a couple of scenes to shoot today, I should be done by 4pm. So, by the time you get home, they’re will be a yummy dinner waiting for you. Then, we can watch a film together. Have a bath together. And after, we can take things to the bedroom.” Atsuko finished with a suggestive smirk.
I feel myself blush at her proposal but I feel my heart soar. “I would like that.”
With a smile and a final stroke of my hair, Atsuko stood up. I immediately feel the coldness of the alone.
“Okay I’ll see you tonight.” said Atsuko. “Love you.”
“Love you too.” I reply.
And with a kiss, she was gone. Now I just had to get through the day without being too excited. But that said, I can’t stop my hopes from building.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panting, I collapse on the rehearsal room floor, my sweating back pressed against the room-length mirror.
“Here.”
I open my eyes to see Mari-chan holding out a water bottle. I smile and thank her, taking the water gratefully. I take deep gulps and instantly I feel the sweet coldness run through me. With an exhale of satisfaction, I turn to Mari-chan.
“You were right Mari-chan. I was just being crazy.” I say.
“I know. I’m always right.” says Mari-chan with a cocky smirk. “But... what am I right about this time?” she unexpectedly asks.
“About Yuko!” I exclaim.
She ahhs her realisation. “So nothing happened?”
“Nope. She says that they just went around the shopping mall and had dinner. Then, after they separated, Yuko went to the arcade.”
“The arcade?” questions Mari-chan.
“Yeah.” I confirm. “But she didn’t win anything.” I laugh.
Yuko would always blow so much money in the arcade. I remember when we went there together and she tried to win me a teddy bear with tickets. However, she totally sucked at the games. However, she did in the end get me the bear. At the cost of over thirty dollars. I could have bought the same bear, at a much cheaper price at a shop. Nevertheless, it was entertaining to watch Yuko all motivated and determined to win me a prize. It was nice watching someone work so hard for me. And it made me love her all the more.
Expecting Mari-chan to join in with my laughter, and to joke about Yuko’s failure at arcade games, I am surprised by the silence. I turn to her, to find her deep in thought. For some reason, Mari-chan looks bothered, but I don’t know why.
“Is something wrong?” I ask.
She looks up with surprise, as if she forgot I was here.
“No, it’s nothing.” Mari-chan answers.
Though she said it with a smile, I have my doubts. But before I can question it, the instructor asks us to start the routine from the top. As I stand, I see Takamina return to her position. I run to her, before the instructor can see.
“Takamina, after this, let’s have lunch together.”
With a smile and a quick nod, Takamina turned back round, ready to perform. I grin, gazing at the tiny back that held straight the tiny woman, supporting much heavier things than all of us. She truly is the leader of AKB48.
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With my towel, I wipe away the sweat that has accumulated around my neck. Everyone has gone home already, leaving me alone to practice on my own. Usually I practised my singing, and then I move onto the dance routines, overall an extra two hours. I try to fit as much practise in as much as possible. It wasn’t that I wanted to be the best. I just want to be at my best.
I sit on the stage, staring out into the empty audience. I’m not sure if I was becoming delusional from the exhaustion, but I could hear the cheers of the audience. I still remember the beginning, when I could count the number of people watching with one hand. Now, every performance was a full house. We have come so far, and I feel proud and accomplished. Yet I still feel greedy. I want AKB48 to be known world-wide, attaining world fame. Known for their music, dancing, and being the idols you can meet. And amongst these feelings, there is also apprehension. For myself.
What am I going to do? I know the time will come, when I have to graduate, but what will I do next? What will become of AKB when I leave? Even though Akimoto-sensei says that there is no AKB48 without me, what is he going to do when I’m truly not there? It’s not like I can stay forever. I know this and, though they don’t say, everyone else knows it too. And yet, like them, I’m too frightened to bring it up.
Shaking my head, I stand up. Time for one more song and then I’ll stop. Atsuko will be waiting for me.
------------ One Song Later --------------
Panting the last words of my solo song, I bow to the invisible audience, a grin pasted on my face. Suddenly, a single applause echoes through the empty supposedly theatre. I jump, chilling shivers running down my spine. I notice that the sound is coming behind me. Swallowing my fear, I spin round, facing the source of the noise.
“Haruna!” I exclaim.
She smiles a cheeky grin. “Did I scare you?”
I release a sigh, sounding like one of annoyance, but was actually a relieved sigh, thankful that it wasn’t a ghost. “I thought you went home.”
“I was going to.” Haruna says, watching her come towards me. “But then I thought ‘Takamina must be doing her extra practise’ so I decided to do a bit of game shopping and come back to invite you to dinner with me.”
I smile, happy that one of my best-friends could be so endearing and thoughtful. However, I already have someone waiting for me.
“I can’t Nyan-Nyan, I have to get home.”
Immediately a frown appeared on her face.
“Come on. I’m sure you can spare an hour for me.”
Haruna grabs my arm in a rather playful but possessive manner. I don’t usually mind it, but I am hot and tired, and just want to get home.
“Stop messing around Haruna.” I chortle, attempting to pull back my arm. “I really need to get home.”
“Why?” she snaps, causing my eyes to temporarily widen with shock.
I have only heard Haruna address Yuko in such a tone, when she got on Haruna’s nerves. I feel her hands slightly tighten around my arm, making me feel more aware of her proximity.
“Atsuko is waiting for me.”
I watch as Haruna’s demeanour instantly change, as if she had been released from a moment of possession. Her eyes look down, almost guiltily and I feel her clasp on my arm loosen.
“Fine.” I hear her softly mutter.
With a tiny push, she releases me. And the next thing I know, I am falling off the stage.
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I nervously pace up and down the corridor, waiting for the doctor to come out of Takamina’s room. This is all my fault.
---------- An Hour Earlier --------
I’m not sure why, but I release Minami with an exasperated push. For some reason, it irks me that Takamina was ditching me to be with Atsuko. Sure, I understand that they are together, but Takamina sees her every day. They have to, they live together. So, why can’t Takamina spend one dinner with me?
Suddenly, I hear a crash. Rapidly I turn, to find Takamina gone. I rush to the edge of the stage. Instantly my blood turns to ice, chilling me to the bone, and my heart starts beating like crazy. My throat turns tight and my body freezes. I am unable to breathe. There, on the ground, Takamina’s still body lay.
“MINAMI!”
I jump down, quickly at Takamina’s side. She is as still as a china doll, and as fragile as one. Too afraid to touch her, I look around. I want to call for help, but no words come out. And no one would come anyway, everyone already gone home. I search my brain, thinking what to do. Then, I remember a programme I watched yesterday.
I put my ear to her mouth, like they did on TV, and try to listen to her breathe. However, over the pounding of my heart and the rush of adrenaline, I can’t hear anything. Panic quickly rises in me. But with deep breathes, I place my fingers on Takamina’s neck, feeling for a pulse.
There! A pulse. Reassured that she is at least alive, I immediately get up.
“Don’t worry Minami. I’ll get help.”
And with one last look, I run out of the theatre to the staff members working outside.
----------Present-----------
I nearly had a heart attack when I saw Takamina, lying there, as if she was…
All of the sudden, the doctor immerses from Takamina’s room.
I immediately jump on him. “How is she doing? Is she okay? Is she awake? Can I go see her?”
The doctor looks at me and smiles. “Takahashi-san is fine.” he calmly answers. “To answer your questions; yes, yes and yes.”
I beam with the answers, and thanking the doctor, I head into Takamina’s room.
“Takamina!” I exclaim, seeing her sitting up in her patient’s gown. “How are you feeling?”
Takamina smiles at me, making my chest ache with worry and gladness.
“I’m fine.” she insists. “The doctor said it was just a very minor concussion and a twisted ankle. But they said that they had to keep me here tonight for surveillance.”
I sit in the visitor’s chair beside the bed, processing the information. A twisted ankle. That means Takamina wouldn’t be able to attend any of the theatre performances. Straightaway shame devours me.
“I’m sorry. It is all my fault.”
“No it isn't.” I hear her comfort me, with no effect to the suffocating shame. “It could have happened to anyone. It was my fault really for forgetting where I was and taking a step back, slipping off the edge of the stage.”
I can’t help but feel comforted by Takamina’s words, even though at the same time, they made me feel worse. Suddenly, I feel her stroke my head, her warm hand caressing my hair, making every single root tingle from the sensation. I remember seeing Atsuko do this to Takamina, and I remember a passing thought; 'How does that feel?'
I look up at her, seeing the same affectionate smile I have grown to know and love.
“Thank you Takamina.” I gently say. “And don’t worry; I’ll take care of you. Whatever you need, I’ll do it.”
She softly laughs, removing her hand away from me, making me feel strangely empty.
“Thank you Haruna.”
I gaze at her, examining Takamina’s features. Her large brown eyes, the cute dimples, her gentle smile… it is as if I am seeing her for the first time. And as I catch myself staring, I can’t help but feel the raise of temperature in my cheeks and the increased beating of my heart.
Suddenly, the door bursts open. In a blur, I see someone rush past me, holding onto Takamina.
“Minami! I came as soon as I could.” exclaimed the person.
After I get over my surprise, I realise its Acchan. Immediately, I feel like I’m intruding. I get up from the chair and take a step back. It is as if I’m not in the room. The two fawned over each other; Acchan in tears, while Takamina patted her head like a child. It was as if Acchan was the one in pain, rather than Takamina. However, from her tender expression, Takamina did not mind a single bit. As expected, Takamina is supporting Acchan.
Silently, I leave the room, suddenly uncomfortable with the sudden appearance and company of one of my best friend. As I walk down the corridor, I suddenly hear someone call my name.
“Nyan-Nyan!”
I halt, turning to Acchan. She stops in front of me, a grateful smile on her lips.
“Thank you for helping Minami. You are the best friend ever.”
She suddenly hugs me, letting me feel her usual warmth. I return the embrace, but I can only think how different she feels to Takamina.
When she leaves to go back to Takamina, I don’t know why, but I feel guilt pinch at my conscience.
-
Ohgawd, I'm really inlove with this series! Thankyou for the fast updates :thumbup
As for the latest Chapter, I'm really glad that everything is somehow fine with the atsumina couple :deco:
But haruna.... are you really?? for takamina?? TakaHaru is my ultimate ship, so i really don't mind :cow:
Can't wait for the next one :thumbup
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what takaharu no way... -_____- my heart hurts..
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yes! and update! Thank you very much! :kneelbow:
Oh god, haruna dont fall for Takamina, you're just confused! and I hope Takamina won't betray Acchan, it's okay to make her jealous but please.. don't betray her!! huhuh lol I'd rather want to see Acchan betraying Minami and she'll regret it in the future.. wahahha
anyways I was expecting continuous painful events as Acchan will break more promises in the future tahahahaha I don't know somehow I wanted to feel hurt for Takamina.. :on lol: I know I'm weird. but I'm rooting for Takamina revenge too hahahha :wahaha:
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OMG!! :panic: :panic: :panic: :panic:
Very good chapter.
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. :panic: :panic: :panic: :panic:
I am sad with Haruna too, She´s wrong with your relationship with Yuko ... at the end had just confusing feelings with Minami.
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oh it's like see a disaster coming but could do nothing to prevent this :k-sad:
Haruna start to fall for Takamina but Takamina is so in love with Acchan !
Everyone will be hurt at the end, please don't do that :k-sad:
You're a really good writer so please continue :tama-excite:
See you~
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hmmm :O :O, what are you think, haruna?? you falls to taka?? :bow: :bow: :bow: oh no, how about yuko??? :(, why does haruna have a feeling for takamina?? :angry:
i want to read next chapter? i want to know why does she think and have that feeling to takamina?? does that feeling she just for yuko?? :angry:
takaharu?? no way :yawn: :yawn:
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Ah... :on crazygran:
Been a lurker ever since this fic started...
But now... I can no longer keep myself from lurking!!! :frustrated:
Things have been interesting right from the start, and until the latest chapter!
The events that have been occuring to both couples made me go :OMG:
Like when that new girl came and started talking to Acchan like that. Grr... :angry1:
And that Ha-something guy! :scolding:
How dare he try to make Yuko imagine Haruna as him, and use that to his advantage?! :temper:
ARGH! Those two are so infuriating! I just want to go and :on voodoo:
But then... they kind of help in making those two couples suffer...
So~ :wahaha: Continue and make them feel even worse!
I can't wait to see/read what happens next!
Thank you so much for this fic! d (^u ^
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Takamina's a lady magnet! Lol takaharu is so cute!!!! Loving this story. Please continue :)
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takaharu???? nooo :mon whine:
please don't break my atsumina :mon geek:
it's okay if they quarrel a bit but please don't break them apart :mon cry:
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Don't even think of love story about takaharu maybe friendship but not as lover :tama-mad:
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Nyan2 just feels envious since AtsuMina is so lovey dovey while KojiYuu is not :nervous
I can't sense if this story will be TakaHaru (I hope),
this fic is really interesting! it has drama n conflict, which makes it more interesting :twothumbs me likey :heart:
update soon!
and please don't break my AtsuMina :tama-mad:
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Harunaa...!!! please don't fall to takamina....takamina only belongs to acchan... :fap
and please kill that Itaki Bitch in the next scene.... i'll support you.. :thumbup
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@karomuwi: Awww well thank you for finally commenting, and a great comment it was XD
And as usual, thank you for everyone great comments and... threats? :lol:
This chapter took longer than expected but hopefully it was worth the wait :P
So bring on the reading and the comments :bow:
P.S. I will be going on holiday later today and I will be without internet for a month. How am I going to survive?! So unfortunately, I am not going to be able to update for about a month. However, hopefully during this time I can write the next chapters and post them quite speedily when I get back. Fingers crossed :twothumbs So, please be patient until I get back and try not to miss me too much :nya:
P.S.S. Sorry if there are mistakes. I finished this in a bit of a rush. So if there are mistakes, I will correct them when I come back ;)
06 – Finish Line
Sweat drips down my back and clings to my white shirt as I run up the endless amount of stairs. I feel my heart trying to burst from my chest, my lungs beg for more air and my legs aching for me to stop. However, I don’t stop. I continue to run and run, as if I was in a race for my life. After the third flight of stairs, I finally reach the desired floor. Dashing down the corridor, I urgently hurry to the apartment. When I touch the door, I feel my legs about to give way. Nonetheless, I power through and throw back the door, ready to confront the person inside.
“Cut!”
A relieved exhale escapes me and I press my exhausted body against the door. Thank goodness it only took two takes. There was concerts, and then there was pure torture, i.e. running up three flight of stairs that are so narrow that probably just fits over half my foot and consist of about thirty steps, with each step carrying the same risk of slipping surely causing excruciating pain, and sprinting up these at full speed, and having to do it two times. I would totally prefer a 5-hour concert than having to run up those stairs again.
“Good work Oshima-san.” says the director, patting me on the back. “See you at the studio.”
I nod and sluggishly bowed. Quickly I am given a towel and a bottle of ice cool water. Gulping it down and patting myself dry, I slowly walk back down the corridor, dreading the fact that I have to walk down those cursed stairs again. Well, at least that was one scene out of the way.
Now, to get ready for the next shoot, which would take part inside the ‘apartment’. However, in fact, the scene would take place at the studios where they had constructed the apartment already.
A rush of dismay engulfs me.
Now the stairs don’t seem so bad.
------------ Later at the studio -----------
I anxiously wait on the set for Hayami-senpai. I am still furious about what happened yesterday, but I don’t know how to face him. It wasn’t like I could just berate him in front of everyone. Though it was his fault for all my internal turmoil, who knows what would get out and be blown out of proportion. And a scandal is not what I need.
Suddenly I heard people start to greet someone. I look up and instantly catch Hayami-senpai’s gaze. Quickly I look away. However, I hear his annoyingly easy casual steps coming towards me. And before long, he is in front of me, with his rather arrogant aura making me dislike him even more. Why have I never noticed this before?
“Good morning Hayami-senpai.” I reluctantly greet.
He smiles, making me instinctively cross my arms. “I thought I told you it was fine to call me Mokomichi.”
I look at him, giving him my ‘are you serious?’ look.
“I’m not comfortable addressing you as that, Hayami-senpai.” I coldly reply.
He looks at me for a moment, and then quickly looks around.
“Look,” he says with a lowered voice. “I know what I did yesterday was out of line and extremely inappropriate.”
I scoff at the obviousness.
“But I’m hoping,” he continues, ignoring my icy attitude. “even if you won’t forgive me, that we can put it past us and carry on working as colleagues.”
I glance at him for a second, remembering why he was a senpai that I actually respected. He always put work before anything, putting all his efforts into making a drama or film.
“Is that okay with you?” Hayami-senpai asks me earnestly.
Despite my initial resolve, I feel my stony defiance crumble away and before long, I give a nod of agreement.
With a sudden beam, Hayami-senpai gives me a quick but bold hug.
“Thank you Yuko-chan. You won’t regret it.”
And though the embrace was reassuring, though slightly too personal for my liking, why do I feel like I am going to regret it?
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My eyes began to tear up as I stared at my script, the words blurring into a scribble. I squeeze my eyes shut and look again, but then the words began to swim in the sea of paper. Sighing loudly, I put the script down and let my head roll back, pinching the ridge between my eyes.
Honestly, I didn’t get any sleep last night. I could only think about what happened yesterday. How one second, I was happily guiding the new cast member, Itaki Mizuki, and the next, listening to her criticize me and my career. And I had just taken it. It was demeaning and frustrating.
Thankfully, Itaki isn’t working today. Tonight was a special night, and I couldn’t risk any chance of delay. With only this scene left to shoot, I could go home and make Minami the special dinner, as I previously promised.
Thinking back to this morning, I had wanted to tell Minami about Itaki, I truly did. But then, I thought, it was my problem. She was probably burdened by her work already and she didn’t need me adding my troubles on top of it. Besides, I’m sure many people have to deal with this sort of ridicule at work, especially in the entertainment business where the aim is to be known nationwide. And if I couldn’t face her, would I be able to face anybody.
“Maeda-san, it’s your turn.” one of the staff calls.
“Okay.” I reply, quickly putting down the script, and head to the set.
------------------ Later ---------------
I spend the afternoon buying items that will make the perfect night. I pick Minami’s favourite flowers, pink chrysanthemums. I buy the necessary ingredients to make Minami’s favourite meal, katsudon. And, I buy myself a new set of lingerie, a present for the both of us.
When I get home, I dot the chrysanthemums around the house, leading up to the bedroom, where I laid out my lingerie on the bed, dotted with pink petals. Then, I start preparing the katsudon. Even though I’m still a novice in cooking, I take pride in my katsudon making skills. I still remember the first time I made Minami katsudon. Even though it tasted ridiculously bad, she had eaten it all and even said it was delicious, just so she wouldn’t hurt my feelings.
I giggle at the memory and with excited anticipation. With the rice steaming and the chicken cooking, I just have to wait until I hear Minami enter the room, hearing her shout of arrival, and see the shock on her face. I can’t wait!
Suddenly I hear my phone ring. Turning off the gas, I quickly rush to the phone.
“Who could that be?” I ask myself.
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I sit at the dining room, proud of the romantic candle-lit dinner I had prepared for Haruna and me.
I don’t know why, but I decided to make an impromptu dinner for us. One of my reasons was that we hadn’t done anything romantic in a while. However, another reason I didn’t want to admit, was that I may have subconsciously done this out of guilt for yesterday. Though it wasn’t my fault, I know that I am partly to blame for not heeding Haruna’s warnings and for allowing myself to lose myself during the moment.
Suddenly there is a knock on the door. Getting up, I hurry to the door. But not too quickly, my legs still slightly aching from my workout this morning. MaybeI’ll ask Haruna to massage them for me…
When I open the door, I meet an unexpected person. “Oh, it’s you Mariko.”
I step back, allowing her to enter.
“That’s such a nice greeting. Don’t make it sound too enthusiastic.” sarcastically said Mariko, though with a cheeky smile.
Then, she sees the dinner I had laid out. She spins to me, wearing a disgusting flattered look that makes me laugh.
“Is this for me? You shouldn’t have.”
“Haha, very funny. It’s for Haruna.” I reply, guiding Mariko to the living room.
“So what can I help you with?” I ask.
Though Mariko’s visits weren’t unusual, they were normally announced or planned. If she had come spontaneously, it must be about something interesting or serious.
Mariko looks at me, and from her expression, I know it’s serious.
“Haruna told me you went to the arcade yesterday.” she mutters.
“Yeah.” I shrug; it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. “So?”
“Did something happen?”
I feel myself freeze. However, my hearts accelerates, pounding against my chest. From Mariko’s stare, I know she isn’t taking about when I went to the arcade.
“What makes you say that?” I reply, trying to keep as calm as possible.
“The only time you go to the arcade by yourself if when you want to win Nyaro something, or you have something on your mind. And seeing as Haruna told me you blew all your money and didn’t come back with anything, you must have been bothered by something. So, spit it out. Did something happen yesterday during your date with Hayami?”
“It wasn’t a date!” I hear myself exclaim. Catching myself, I look down, away from Mariko’s surprised gaze. “It wasn’t a date…”
“Okay, it wasn’t a date. At your…meeting with Hayami, did something happen?”
I can’t speak. My throat suddenly becomes dry and I have a difficulty in swallowing, as I attempt to gulp my saliva.
“Did he do something to you?” Mariko continues.
I bring my eyes back to Mariko.
“…No.” I say.
She looks at me, doubtful. “Are you sure?”
“Yes I am sure.” I say. Then, I force a laugh. “What is up with you Mariko? Are you thinking of being a detective when you graduate?” I convincingly chuckle.
Mariko just looks at me, making me sweat though my blood runs cold.
“Fine.” finally says Mariko, allowing myself an internal sigh of relief. “I should go.”
We stand up and I walk her back to the door. However, just when she is about to leave, she turns to me.
“And Yuko. You should tell her.”
And just like that, she closes the door behind her. Fear and anxiety overwhelms me. How did Mariko know? Did she see? Did anyone else see? I begin to feel the panic began to rise. It was as if I was trapped in a balloon and the only way out was to pop the balloon myself. And popping the balloon meant telling Haruna exactly what happened. But could I do that, with my fear holding me back?
I jump when the phone suddenly rings. Quickly, I pick up the phone, thankful for the distraction.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Yuko?” replied a muffled voice.
“Haruna?” I know that voice from anywhere, even though her voice was distorted by poor service and urgency. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m on the way to the hospital-”
“What’s wrong?” I almost yell, alarm rushing through me. “Did something happen?”
“Nothing happened.” Haruna answers. “At least, not to me. Minami fell down and we’re on our way to the hospital.”
Though worried, I breathe a sigh of relief. But even then, one of my closest friends is hurt.
“Is she okay?” I question.
“They’re not sure yet. When we get there, they will need to run a few tests before they’re certain.”
“Okay. I’m on my way.” I say, grabbing my coat.
“Wait.” I hear Haruna’s voice, making me stop.
“What’s wrong?”
“You don’t have to come.”
What? Did I hear that right?
“What do you mean?” I demand, though trying to keep calm, acknowledging that Haruna was in a stressful situation. “I should come. Minami needs the support.”
“But you have work in the morning right?”
“…Yeah. But-”
“You don’t have to come. It’s better that way. I don’t want you to be tired in the morning and I’m sure Takamina would say the same.”
I hesitate. This was true and I can imagine Takamina beating herself up for causing me to miss work just because of her. I heave a heavy exhale.
“…Okay…” I surrender. “But when are you coming home-”
“We’re here now. Sorry Yuko, I have to go.”
“Wait-”
But I can only hear the dial tone. I glance at the dining room, and take the phone from my ear. Hanging up the phone, I head back to the dining table and with one last look, I blow out the candle.
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My chest feels like it’s going to burst and my throat hurts from my fast breathing. And even though my legs cry with protest, I don’t stop, my own tears welling in the corner of my eyes. Finally, I reach room number 14.
Throwing open the door, I burst in. “Minami!”
But I freeze. There on the hospital bed was an elderly woman, with an elderly man and a younger woman, with her child, standing around her bed. And all their eyes were on me.
Instantly a red blush heats my cheeks. I quickly bow in apology and hastily leave. Did I get the wrong room? I rush back to reception.
“Sorry, I asked for the room where Takahashi is in.” I say to the nurse who helped me before.
She looked at me. “Yes, room 14. Takahashi Mimemi.”
I almost laugh at the mistake if it weren’t for my panic. “I meant Takahashi MiNAmi.”
Instantly the nurse lights up with realisation. “Room 16.”
Just two doors down from the room I went to before. I say a thanks and quickly dash back down the way I came. When I reach room 16, again, I burst in.
“Minami!” And when my eyes lay on Minami, laying on the bed, her leg up in a cast, my tears finally fall. I rush forward, immediately grabbing onto Minami, too afraid to let go ever again. “I came as soon as I could.” I cry into her hospital gown.
I feel Minami’s warm hand on top of my head, reassuring stoking my hair.
“Thank you Atsuko. I’m fine now.”
I can’t stop the tears. I just whimper a reply, so thankful it wasn’t anything more serious. And when I realise I should be the one comforting Minami, since she is the one that just suffered an accident, I feel even worse. And that brings even more tears. However, Minami just holds me, patting my back soothingly as I just cried into her shoulder. When I finally recover from my bouts of tears, I sit up and look at Minami through my teary eyes. Even through my blurry vision, I can see Minami smile, lightly wiping the wet tracks from my cheeks.
“I *hiccup* was s-so *hiccup* worried~” I sniff, taking deep breaths to calm myself.
“I know.” replies Minami. “Thank you, but I’m okay.”
“What happened?” I ask, able to talk properly, instead of being a blubbering mess.
“I was just being stupid and I backed too far off the stage and I fell.”
I feel my jaw drop. Truly, only Minami could do such a thing. “You’re such an idiot.”
She laughs and agrees. “I know I am.”
“So, what about the cast?”
“Well, the doctor said that I unfortunately twisted my ankle but said I should be grateful it wasn’t a higher fall because I could have broken my leg. So, I only have to wear this cast for about two weeks.”
“But that means you won’t get to perform.” I say.
Immediately I see Minami’s down-casted expression and I instantly wish I didn’t say that.
“Yeah… but it’s okay. At least I get to be home, with you.” she shyly grins, making me hug her again. “And I can still go onto my programme recordings. I just have to take it easy.”
“Okay. But make sure you don’t push yourself.” I remind her, knowing full well that Minami would try her best either way.
But even so, Minami nods.
“It was actually thanks to Haruna that I even got here.” Minami says.
“Really? Where is she?”
“She’s right over-”
I turn to the direction that Minami is facing. However, I see no one there.
“Where did she go?” Minami quietly asks herself.
“She probably went home.” I propose. “Let me see if I can catch her before she leaves.”
Reluctantly leaving Minami, I exit her room, looking up and down the corridor. I easily spot Haruna’s long hair and tall figure.
“Nyan-Nyan!” I call.
She immediately stops, slowly turning to my voice. I quickly jog to her.
“Thank you for helping Minami. You are the best friend ever.”
I immediately bring her into a strong embrace, wanting to transmit all my gratitude into her. When I feel Haruna’s body carefully pull away from mine, I release her.
“Are you going home now?”
“Yeah…” she quietly answers.
I raise my brow at Haruna’s reserved demeanour, but then I remember it must have been stressful for Haruna too. So, I just hold her hand and smile, offering any support I can give. Then, when we part ways, I head back to Minami. And as I walk, I simply think; Haruna truly is the greatest friend.
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OMG!! not I refuse.. takaharu.. -_- my atsumina and kojiyuu.. why why you are so cruel with me....
jajaj ok after my drama lines.. cool fic but i really really hope that its just a challenge..
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you mean you'll be gone in a month?? NOOOOOOO!!! :gyaaah:
hahaha geez that'll be a long time of waiting.. haha but I understand I hope you can write in your holiday for updates..
and back to the story, OMG Atsuko really think that Haru's the greatest friend and maybe there will be Takaharu in the end?? :scared:waaahh betrayal? ugh.. that's painful.. but please.. let the ATSUMINA love last forever... (but okay you're title is how long does forever last? OMG!!! :grr:) B-but.. ATSUMINA will surely last forever!!! I'm betting my life for that!!! :cool1:(wohohoh just kidding)
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There's still a strong bond between Atsu-Mina so I'm not really worried about them breaking sooner or later... well... we don't really know when jealousy will strike and destroy everything, ne? ugh... Just stay strong Acchan and Takamina!!!!
Yuko and Haruna... just please made up will you.... I don't want to see a love-hate drama with love triangle on the side.. ><
Ja ne~
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D:
im praying that it wont be takaharu! LOL
my kojiyuu heart will forever hurt if thats the case !
but have fun on your holiday :D
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THANKS FOR UPDATING
I HOPE YOU UPDATE VERY VERY SOON
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I don't want anything happen to them
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I am back! *Throws souvenirs* I hope you guys didn’t miss me too much ;) And once again, thank you for the comments :love: Keep them coming :twothumbs
P.S. Sorry if there are any mistakes. I wanted to post it today so I slightly rushed it. I will edit later if there are any :) *EDITED*
07 – Sweet and Sour
The music blasts through the massive speakers, resonating through my body. I silently observe from the darkness, holding my crutches tightly as they support my weight, as the girls dance in unison. The stage pounds with the sound of the members synchronised steps.
I remember the days when this was but a dream. When a group of young girls who knew nothing about each other, were expected to dance as one. I remember the first dance lessons we had. They were gruelling, especially for me, who had absolutely no rhythm or experience. It was like military training, with the muscle and stretching exercises, hours of exhausting practise. And yet, there was minimal improvement. Each time we performed a routine, it was messy and unorganised. From the many shouts and scolding from the dance instructor, I remember one piece of advice that will stay with me till now.
“A dance is not just about the moves or the music. And a group dance is not about outshining other dancers. It is about synchronisation. You must move as one team. Each wave, each step, must be synchronised with everyone else, moving as if you are one being. Synchronise with the music, synchronise your mind with your heart and match it with the beat, and then, synchronise with everyone around you. This is the most fundamental factor of performing any dance. With any move, no matter how basic or outrageous it may look alone, together, it is beautiful.”
Synchronisation. That was what I took from that day, and from that point, I tried to learn everyone’s names. I thought, if I can’t dance with strangers, I can probably dance with friends. And from then, as everyone began to learn about each other, dancing became easier. Understanding one another’s feelings, thoughts and movements, knowing what they were going to do next. Soon, dancing became enjoyable and we were on a level that was performable. And after that taste of being on stage, with people watching me, listening to me, I knew I would never escape from this world.
That was why I am here today. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to come to the theatre, just to be able to absorb the atmosphere and see my dearly missed friends. Just to be able to inhale the sweet smell of determination and the sour scent of sweat and tears, an addicting mixture that I am addicted to, was enough to make me rush from the hospital and head to Akihabara. And I couldn’t stand being in the house for one more day. A week has passed since my injury, and according to my doctor who I saw before coming here, I still have one more week of home rest before I would be fit to perform again. This was the statement that finally pushed me over the edge.
As the music comes to an end and the girls remain in their finishing position, I see my usual spot is filled by another member. I brace myself for the expected income of insecurity and isolation, however I feel nothing. Instead, I feel glad that another member would have another chance to shine. And this thought, brought a smile to my face. Clapping my hands, the sound echoing through the quiet theatre, the members break their formation to turn to see who it was. Seeing their stunned faces, it makes me grin even more.
Suddenly, I am surrounded by a flock of chattering girls. Mewling over me as if I am an injured kitten, the team coo at my state, quickly bringing over a chair. They overwhelm me with questions about my condition, how I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, what it has been like not working and what I was doing here today. I try to answer the endless questions, while returning the many hugs I am receiving.
Then, as the questions died down and their curiosity with my crutches grew, I smile as I nodded for them to try them out. With a cry of excitement, some of the girls run and start trying out the equipment, while others bid farewell as they have other places to go. As I sit and watch the members playing on the stage, I see Mariko head towards me with a mischievous smile.
“If Acchan knew you were here,” Mariko begins, stopping in front of me. “she would kill you.”
Guilt and anxiety flows through me at this. This hasn’t really occurred to me, now feeling the full weight of what I’m doing.
Atsuko has been nothing but good to me over the week. Making me meals, treating me with presents and surprises, waiting on my hand and foot, giving me the great amounts of pleasure and attention that I have been desiring for the past month. And though she couldn’t constantly be by my side because even though time had stopped for me, it didn’t for Atsuko, she managed to call at least five times a day, just to make sure everything was okay. And though, at first, it had been amazing to be the centre of Atsuko’s attention, soon that wasn’t enough to disguise the boredom of doing nothing all day. Television and games could only last so long. I was just itching to stand on the stage that I had danced, sung and cried on for over seven years.
And so, though I know Atsuko would be very disappointed and angry at my actions today, expecting me to rest constantly and almost confiding me to bed, I just had to go.
I look at Mariko and just smile.
“Only if she finds out.”
All of a sudden, a pair of long familiar arms wrap around my shoulders from behind. I immediately know who it is, experiencing this back hug many times. I simply place my hands on top of the slim arm, feeling the moist skin under my palms. After a moment, she releases me and steps in front of me, next to Mariko.
“What are you doing here?” asks Haruna sternly, completely different to her attitude only seconds ago. “Shouldn’t you be at home resting?”
However, just before I retort, Mariko’s phone rings. Quickly she pulls answers it, slightly turning her body. With fast responses, soon the conversation was over.
“Sorry guys, I have to take off.” she suddenly announces.
“So soon?” I ask.
“Yeah, mum wants me to go to hers for dinner today.” Mariko explains. “I’ll see you guys around.”
And with that, Mariko disappears into the dressing room. Silence fills the area and I quickly notice that all the girls were also gone. I must have been too preoccupied to notice them leave, and they even left my crutches against the wall next to me. It is now just Haruna and me. Haruna remains hush, simply taking the crutches into her own hands and trying them out. With the height difference, the handles doesn’t even reach her arm pits, and when she begins moving around, she had to slightly bend her legs. I slightly frown at my inferior size.
“Do you want to go to dinner?”
I look up at Haruna, who just continues to hop around. I hesitate in my answer. Even though I would like to catch up on the latest gossip with Haruna, Atsuko doesn’t know I’m not at home and if she knew where I was, she would be worried sick. Then again, Atsuko doesn’t get back until 8 tonight, and it was now 5:30. So, I should be able to get back in time. And though I am thinking of a counter argument in my head, my mouth replies with a yes.
Haruna simply grins at my response, returning and placing the crutches next to me.
“I’ll just go get ready.” she says.
I nod, and watch her about to go behind the stage. But then, she stops.
“You know…” I hear her begin. “… I missed you.” Haruna softly mutters.
I smile, feeling the warmth that Haruna could so easily bring.
“I missed you too.”
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Dinner is quiet, but a comfortable quiet. Already filled with bubbly laughter, we start to eat our dinner silently. Hence it quiet. Passer-bys may think we were awkward, but that didn't matter. We know we are each other's bestfriend and even though we know we can tell each other anything, silence is also as comfortable as a conversation. We talked about what it was like for Minami not to be at the theatre, how things were going with us, about the recent weather, everything. At least, almost everything.
Amongst our talks, I had noticed one thing. I wasn’t sure why, but neither of us asked about our girlfriends. It was odd, but then again, it wasn’t like I didn’t meet with Atsuko and Minami sees Yuko quite often. And yet, isn’t it normal to ask about each other’s relationship? Don’t girls usually talk about their relationship’s ups and downs? And yet, since we had known about each other's relationships, we have never questioned about them.
As I ponder over this unusual fact, I suddenly hear a familiar ringtone. I see Minami fumble through her short pockets, pulling out her mobile. I observe her answer the phone and from the immediate change in demeanour and her twinkling eyes, I know exactly who it is. However, as I stare, I detect a sense of frantic from Minami’s expression. But before I can consider this odd reaction, Minami focuses on me for a second and sends me an apologetic expression, before absorbing herself into the conversation again and excusing herself. I look down at my plate, my appetite suddenly disappearing. As she leaves, my ears prick to a quiet whispered reply.
“I’m…at home.”
Even though I am staring at my dish, my eyes widen with shock. This is the first time I’ve heard Minami lie, let alone to Atsuko. And I can’t believe it. Why would she do that? Why would Minami even need to lie? I don’t understand what is going on. Am I being kept a secret? But why? My mind explodes with confusion at what is going on. However, I don’t have time to think.
What felt like seconds, Minami returns.
“Sorry about that.” she says, lightly smiling.
I only shake my head, keeping my eyes down.
“It’s okay.”
We continue dinner, as if nothing happened. As if I wasn’t part of a lie.
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I unlock the front door of my house. And just as I walk, a stoic figure stands. I immediately freeze, terror rushing through me. Atsuko stands in the middle of the hallway, both hands on her hips, and a furious expression on her face. But why was she here? I thought she would be at the set until 8? It was only 7pm.
“Where have you been?” exclaims Atsuko. “I have been calling you for almost an hour!”
I flinch at the cold voice. However, I wonder why I didn’t hear my phone? It might have been because after her first call at dinner, I put my phone into my bag and the ringtone was drowned out by the chatter…
“I was at the theatre.” I reply, which was true.
I see Atsuko slightly relax, but it is not over.
“So when I called you, you weren’t at home?” quietly demands Atsuko.
My hands instinctively tighten around the crutches, wishing they would support me and help take me away.
“…No.” Hurt immediately crosses over Atsuko’s face. “But,” I quickly answer. “I didn’t want you to worry.”
Though she still has a pained expression, I can see Atsuko physically calm down. She begins to step towards me, but I don’t have the courage to meet her halfway. She stands in front of me, and I can’t help but become captured in her rather sad eyes that makes my heart hurt. Suddenly, Atsuko brings her arms around me, one hand on my back and the other holding my head against her heart.
“Minami…” she sighs. “You didn’t have to lie. I would have understood. Though I’m still upset you lied to me. You can understand that right?”
I nod, letting my head sink against Atsuko’s chest, surrendering myself to her. However, I am still afraid. Afraid that Atsuko’s heart will be able to hear the lies and regret that echoed inside my head, through my ears. So, I am the first to break away. Atsuko allows me to withdraw, but keeps me within her grasp, her hands running up and down my arms sending shivers through me.
“You must be hungry.” I feel my insides twist. I don’t answer. But I don’t need to. “I’ll make us something.
Then, she turns and heads to the kitchen. With hesitation, I carefully follow her.
“So did you go anywhere else today?” Atsuko calls over her shoulder, as she disappears into the kitchen.
I am about to answer but an impulse strikes.
“No.”
And as soon as the lie leaves my lips, I feel sick. Why did I lie again? All of a sudden, Atsuko enters the room again and I am frozen. Has she caught my lie? Apprehension and panic fills my heart. Suddenly, Atsuko engulfs into another hug, this one much urgent and fervent that the last. I feel Atsuko hot breath on my neck, heating the skin underneath her soft lips.
“Don’t ever do that to me again.” I hear her whisper.
My heart breaks at the soft voice and I can’t help but want to cry.
“I’m sorry.” I admit.
For more than one thing.
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I open the door to the apartment, feeling light from the enjoyable dinner I had with Minami, but weighed down by the heaviness of what I heard. That tiny fib… it still haunts me. I just can’t think of any reason as to why Minami said such a thing, except she didn’t want Atsuko to know about her whereabouts because she didn’t want Atsuko to worry. But even if this was the reason, it doesn’t justify her actions. Why did I have to become part of a lie that I wasn't meant to hear? Confusion clouds my head so much that I didn’t even notice the figure sitting on the couch.
“Haruna!”
I jump at the loud voice, turning to the source. There, I see Yuko sitting, wearing an exasperated and worried expression.
“You didn’t come home for dinner.” she sternly states. “Where did you go?”
Suddenly, I realise why Yuko was looking so uneasy. Today, Yuko finished her shooting early and we had agreed to have dinner together. Immediately shame builds up inside me. And I think Yuko could see I had forgotten because she soon stands up and is about to head to the bedroom.
“Wait!” I cry. “Minami had come to the theatre today and… and I asked if she wanted to have dinner.”
Yuko stops, but doesn’t look at me. I can tell she is hesitating, wondering if she should be angry or not for what I truly had forgotten.
“Is she okay?” Yuko finally asks.
I feel relief that I wasn’t being completely ignored. Usually it was me doing the ignoring, but when Yuko was angry, it was truly frightening. Thankfully it occurred rarely, and was never directed to me. Until now.
“Yes, she’s doing much better.” I answer. “But she still has one more week of home rest.”
Yuko turns and faces me. Thinking I am forgiven, I take a step forward. However, as I gaze at her stony expression, I know I am not yet off the hook.
“So why did you take her out to dinner when Minami should have been resting at home?” she demands.
I swallow, attempting to loosen my tightening throat.
“I just thought she needed time away from the house. You know Minami, she couldn’t stay in the house another day. She needed to get away.”
After a moment, which felt like ages, Yuko’s features finally relax.
“Fine, I get it.” she says, which makes my heart soar. “But you should have at least called me.”
“I’m sorry.”
I see her hesitate once again. Sadness decorates her facial features and remorse aches within me.
Then quietly, Yuko mutters. “You worried me.”
My chest is really hurting now.
“I’m really sorry.” I emphasize, truly feeling sorry.
She looks at me for another moment and I try to convey my apologetic feelings. As I gaze into those large eyes, I also see something other than hurt. However, I don't have time to analyse it. Yuko breaks the brief contact and turns back round. I’m not sure if she received my message, but even so, I feel the repentance swirl in my stomach.
As I watch as Yuko disappear into the bedroom, I do not pursue her. I can’t bring myself to do it. This is because even if I do, I can’t go near her. I am afraid that she’ll know that even though I was truly sorry for not letting Yuko know where I was, I’m not sorry that I was with Minami.
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WOHOOOO...
:on lol: :on lol:
Finally your back!!!
WELCOME BACK!!!
hihihi
:kekeke:
i really love ur fic..so much!!! :inlove:
:luvluv1:
thank you for the update!!
:kneelbow:
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Thanks for the update! This fanfic is really amazing :) Love all the character interactions :D But I can't help but worry though knowing whats coming! Hope Atsumina and Kojiyuu will stay strong!
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Welcome!!
What a chapter! It was very exciting.
I'am really wanting to know what happens in the next.
:farofflook: :farofflook: :farofflook:
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T_T I'm sad for them
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I dontknow if I can kepp looking this fic.. hurt a lot my OTP been destroying... a little.. but I like the drama jojo so.. Im waiting a little.. I dont know why but I feel that haruna and minami gonna regreat this action a lot
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Drama is fine to make the story more interesting but please don't break my OTP apart :(
But, does MInami feel something for Haruna then? Otherwise why would she lie?
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But, does MInami feel something for Haruna then? Otherwise why would she lie?
^THIS :(
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THANK YOU FOR UPDATING
I REALLY LIKE IT
I WAIT FOR YOUR NEXT CHAPTER
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OH MY GAWD, HOW THE HECK DID I NOT COME ACROSS THIS FIC BEFORE?!!!!!!!!!
I have so many 'feels' for this incredible fic, that I don't even know how to explain...
But if I can try to express it...
First off...Atsumina, my OTP I always come back crawling to somehow. Their relationship truly touches my heart. That love and affection as well as understanding is trying it's best to pull through even though certain events are trying to tear them apart. It's simply so heartfelt and warm, like no matter what they 'are' each other's everything and the evidence is there to prove it when it comes to how their love for each other is still there at the end of the day. Waiting and staring at each other and what not after a day's long of unlucky events. I am moved to tears.
Second...Kojiyuu, personally I am not a big fan of this pairing. I do like them two very much though and it doesn't really matter since it's only my thoughts...Like the pairing above, I also definitely no...most certainly feel my heart ache for these two. They have a lot of issues they need to work out though, because they are delaying important conversations that are very likely to cause misunderstandings. Like seriously they need to talk heart to heart and quit the delay then assume option thing thing majigg. I know they must love each other though.
Third...TakaHaru, is it wrong to grin so widely every time I read their interactions?! Haha, I am smitten by this pairing and definitely how their feelings are definitely developing or should I say altering somewhat unconsciously for each other? I mean I can actually understand how these two must feel...deprived and lonely of the love they're always needing, but feeling defeated every time their needs become delayed. I totally feel the guilt for liking these two so much though, when I know what would happen to Atsuko and Yuko if that did happen though. Hearts will break, and the mess will pile up even more...They get a long so well though...minus the whole Haruna pushing Takamina off the stage thing..but you know what?! I was hoping this meant Koji would have to end up taking care of Takamina in her guilt though hahahah. It was cute none the less. Then I'm not really sure about Minami except I know she feels comfy with Haruna...But Haruna for sure has feelings for the short girl. Sinfully, my heart beats faster when Haruna says things like "Whatever you need, I'll do it." <---Ummm...NOSEBLEED?!** or like the hug she gave at the theater...As of now again, I am unsure of how Minami feels, but then umm... Kojibabe-homewrecker for the win? lol
So, if I had to choose between the couple I'd like to see at the ending it'd be TakaHaru...Simply because that shizness will blow other peoples minds. Things don't always have to be done right. lol....Oh yeah, heyy~ I'm rooting for the prologue where they're like "this is wrong." <--Pfft haha. All and all though the truth is I don't really mind though, whatever happens and what pairings will continue to stay or be broken. You as the the Awesome Author of this fic choose, and I will be gleefully contented. Your efforts are most appreciated here and I will be glad with whatever you reward us readers with in the future updates.
About those who be threatening you Author-san...just be like "Come at me bro, bump the fic" lol. Sorry, I rambled nonsense in this comment...I just thought maybe it'd make up for all those chapters I didn't have enough luck to read before in the first place. Ahhh, I've been stalking your fics too. I've mentioned this in another one of my comments on your work, but again I love all your work. I can say I was sinfully in that heaven/hell paradise of a place after reading your smuts on tumblr. Geki/black had me drooling...It was an artistic masterpiece I tell you! I'm gonna read it again...lol, wish there was another part to add! I know you said it was final already though...ugh, bummer for me.... If I can request though...Perhaps, you can write a TakaHaru one?! That would bring me to Nirvana I tell you O^O <--- Already near heaven at the thought.
Well, after the past couple of hours...I am officially one of your greatest fan. Really! Please update soon, I will be awaiting with excitement! :heart:
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@ anonymousdowner : Thank you for the wonderful comment :D I like your insight on all the pairings and thank you for the support XD Yes I saw your comment on the co-ed smut I did and I was also very happy seeing the comment. Ahhh, I see you read my other smuts too LOL. Ooo a request. Hmmm a TakaHaru smut... of course! I will add it to me to-do list :D Wow, I'm really happy you like my work so much :wub: I'm also a fan of your WMatsui fic and am happily waiting for the update and when I get the chance, perhaps I can check out your other works :)
I honestly don't know why it took me so long to write this chapter :nervous It might have had something to do with my other fics that I'm doing but what can you do. Thank you for the comments once again :) I know no one wants their OTP broken, but I’m warning you guys this fanfic isn’t for the faint hearted. I’m not going to spoil anything, but there is going to be a lot of drama and angst. I’m going to be pretty ruthless writing this fic and if some of you can’t continue reading, I fully understand. And for those who will continue, please enjoy and comment
08 – Just the Beginning
I relax my back against the dressing room, exhaustion quickly sinking into my bones. It’s been eight days since Minami’s accident, and I still can’t rest easy. When I received that phone call, I felt my heart stop and my world disappear in an instant. That inconceivable fear… I never want to feel anything like it again.
However, last night I was forced to live through the horror once again. When I returned home early, to surprise Minami, I discovered she wasn’t there. Already with an ominous feeling, it was made worse when Minami didn’t answer her phone. I immediately began worrying, thinking about the worst. How was I supposed to react when Minami, who always answered my calls, didn’t? Then, even after nearly an hour of calling, I was actually losing it. It was terrifying.
When she returned, I was furious. How was I supposed to react when my injured girlfriend suddenly disappears without any sort of notice, and doesn’t answer her phone? However, when Minami told me that she visited the theatre, I couldn’t help but feel guilty and relieved. Knowing she was with our friends was reassuring, but even so, I wish she had told me.
I realise I should give her space, her need to perform greater than most, but I can’t help it.
I just don’t want to lose her.
“Atsuko-san, the set is ready for you.”
Nodding, I stand up. Well, having given Minami a call when I arrived at the studio, it put me slightly at ease. However, even that wouldn’t make today any better.
As I enter the set, my eyes immediately land on the ‘beautiful’ woman… Itaki Mizuki. The very person I am dreading to see. As usual, she is sucking up to the director, who is completely smitten by her thoughtless compliments. Suddenly, I see her look in my direction. I see the devilish smirk. And as quickly as it appeared, it transformed into a sickly sweet smile. My frown deepens when Itaki waves enthusiastically, her façade making me ill. The thought of having to work with her, for the whole day, causes the dread in my heart to grow.
Yep, today is going to suck.
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Bitterness swells within my mouth, the hot green tea burning my throat. With a satisfied sigh, I put down the china cup, watching Sae do the same.
“So, what is this about?” asked Sayaka, tactless as usual, popping another dumpling into her mouth.
I sigh again, but this time with anguish. I had asked Sae and Sayaka to meet me at the usual Chinese restaurant for lunch, after my schedule. I had said I just wanted to see my close friends, but in truth, I wanted advice.
“I want to talk to you guys about something.” I say.
The two wait for me to continue. With insecurity, I swallow.
“It’s about me… and Haruna.”
I immediately see Sayaka lean in curiously, while Sae just sits quietly, staring into her tea.
“Lately, I’ve been feeling insecure. I’m starting to feel… jealous, of Takamina.”
Sae and Sayaka remain silent, mulling over what I just said. From Sayaka’s expression, I can tell she is surprised, while Sae… well she was just drinking her tea but with a somewhat disturbed expression.
I feel myself becoming more self-conscious, exposed. This is the first time I’ve ever spoken to anyone about the problems of my relationship. Sure, I adore Haruna, there is no doubt. However, ever since my horrid date with Hayami-senpai, things have been strained. And with my drama, and her constant schedule, it’s been difficult to have any alone time. Plus, with Haruna spending more and more time with Takamina, I’m starting to feel inferior. With their history, and their obvious deep bond with each other, I can’t help but feel nervous that Haruna might have second thoughts. And this scares me more than anything.
“Why?” asks Sayaka, finally speaking. “Isn’t Takamina with Atsuko?”
“Yes…” I answer.
I know that Takamina is with Atsuko, and in a loving relationship. And I know that I should trust Haruna more, but that isn’t the problem. The problem is me. What if… I’m not capable of loving Haruna enough?
I already kissed someone else. And yet I haven’t told Haruna about it. Though this secret has been burdening me, I can't bring myself to tell her, too terrified of the reaction. And perhaps, this has made me paranoid because, though I know she loves me, Haruna could easily do the same. Being so beautiful, she could easily be with someone else, matching her higher stature, rather than me. Sensing this, maybe I’ve been more cautious and aware of how we interact with each other and others. Maybe this pressure was what has been making me more troubled than necessary.
“Then you shouldn’t have to worry about it.” Sayaka concludes, slightly to my disappointment.
I was hoping that the former captain of Team K would have more input, some sort of advice with more substance. But then again, it wasn’t as if either of them had much experience in terms of intimate relationships. I know the two had a brief moment, but then they returned to being friends, uncomfortable with the concept of being more.
“Just marry her.”
We both snapped our gazes to Sae, who calmly sat, continuously sipping at her tea.
“What?” I exclaim.
“Marry Nyan-Nyan.” she calmly repeats.
I almost choke on my own spit. What is Sae saying? Marry her? We’ve only been seeing each other for 9 months, how could I marry her!
“What are you talking about?” demanded Sayaka, confused as much as me by what her best friend was saying.
“Well, you’re both the right age and you both love each other. Isn’t that what you want to do? Be Kojiharu’s bride?”
There isn’t anything in this world that I want more. But surely, it is much too soon. At least, I think it is...
“Well…yes." I admit. "But-”
“Then do it. Propose to her.”
I look at Sae, my eyes wide with disbelief. When I wanted something of substance, I didn’t expect something like this. Even the thought is humorous. And soon after I think this, I hear a snort next to me. I turn to Sayaka, who is bent over the table, covering her mouth. Suddenly, she bursts in her gallant laugh.
“Oh Sae, you really say the funniest things.” she hoots.
I watch as Sae’s lips curl into a smile, and she starts to cackle as well. Mindblown, I sit there, watching the pair guffaw. Have I been tricked? But then, I feel my own lips start to twitch. It was rather funny actually. I feel myself start to laugh, the outrageousness of the idea too amusing.
We laugh and laugh, until the waitress approaches us and asks us to quieten down. However, this only makes us laugh even more, my stomach cramping with the excessive mirth.
Although, in reality, Sae’s words echo in my mind.
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“Stop right there Yakima Kana.” I command.
She stops, turning to face me with a pestered expression.
“What did you do?” I demand. “Kojiro-kun hasn’t talked to me for days.”
“I didn’t do anything.” she merely replies.
“Don’t lie to me! You did something didn’t you?”
“I’m not petty. If you have problems with my brother, go speak to him yourself.”
Just as she is about to walk away, I rush forward and grab her wrist, halting her.
“I’m not done.”
“Let me go!”
Itaki throws her arm up, making my grip loosen and release her, like the script says. However, what Itaki does next isn’t in the script. When she throws my arm aside, her other hand pushes my shoulder roughly, with such force that it makes me gasp, and I feel my balance sway. Then, the next thing I know, I am sitting on the floor. An immense pain runs up my body from my tail bone. That is going to bruise.
“Cut!”
I glare up at Itaki, who is covering her mouth with her hand, displaying a look of shock. However, from her eyes, I catch the glint of glee.
“I’m so sorry that was entirely my fault.” her high pitched voice exclaims. “I must not know my own strength. Let me help you up.”
She offers her hand. While I hear the mumbles of relief around me, I stare up at Itaki. I am extremely reluctant to take it, but with everyone watching, I have to. Holding onto her hand, she forcefully pulls me up, making me push against her body.
“This is just the beginning.”
My eyes widen with shock at the whispered words. I quiver runs through my body as the chilled tone passes through my nerves, until I fully comprehend their meaning. Quickly, I pull away and stare at Itaki with a mild horror. However, her smile is as always, innocent and deceiving.
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I turn as I hear the door open and as expected, Itaki walks in. As soon as the door closes, I stand up.
“Why did you push me?” I confront. “That wasn’t in the script.”
Itaki merely smiles, taking her seat at her dressing table. “What can I say, I got into character.”
I gaze at her with fiery. We both know this isn’t the truth but if she wasn’t going to admit it, how could I prove it was a lie. Frustration overpowers me.
“What have I done to you to deserve this?” I demand, the rage making my hands ball into tight fists.
Simply glimpsing at me, Itaki continues sorting out her make-up.
“I knew you wouldn’t remember me.”
What? Puzzlement quickly subdues my anger. Remember her? Why would I remember her? I've never seen her before in my life.
“Well I have changed a lot since you’ve seen me.” Itaki continues.
Suddenly, she spins in her chair, her large eyes catching my gaze.
“Do you remember in junior high, you were the quiet girl who had barely any friends."
I feel my heart quicken with panic. How does she know this?"
"And in your class, there was this one girl that everyone used to call Flubber.”
I remain quiet, my brain racking my supressed memories, back when I was shy and rather dark. Flubber? Who was called such a cruel nickname?
“This girl, who was on the larger side, she was your best friend. Well, that is, until you betrayed her.”
Suddenly I am at a loss as the memories fill my brain. My body freezes and my heart stops. I stare at the woman who was making my current life a pain, and realise that there was indeed a reason for it all.
“…Mizu-chan?”
Itaki smirks, probably savouring the look of despair on my face.
“That’s right Atsuko. And it’s Mizuki now.”
I am speechless. Itaki Mizuki is Mizu-chan? How is this possible? She looks nothing like her. The girl who was almost obese, with the short greasy hair, face covered in acne and thick prescription glasses. How could she be the same person? But she is.
When the confusion subsides, a sudden guilt takes over.
“I’m sorry.” I hear myself mutter.
However, my apology is made worthless by the quick scoff that comes from Itaki’s mouth.
“It’s too late for apologies now. That moment when I saw you on TV, after you transferred, I knew immediately what I was going to do. I was going to become more famous than you, outshine you, and then make you feel as much pain as I felt at that moment you betrayed me.”
I silently watch her stand, taking easy steps towards me, and I am unable to move or talk.
“Now, I’m going to make your life a living hell. That is, until the drama is over.”
I watch as her beautiful face is only inches away and stare as her hand raises, until it tickles the tips of my hair. I am too shocked and too petrified to move.
“But know this, I’ll always be around. Any new project you start, be sure to know, I’ll be closely following, ready to work with you again.”
As quickly as she came towards me, Itaki steps back. I watch her open the door, taking her leave.
“Like I said before Atsuko, this is only the beginning.”
Then, she is gone.
After a moment, I listen as the room clock ticks, counting away the seconds. One by one, the seconds continue to pass, but I remain frozen, stuck in my own time.
Finally, my knees finally give way and I collapse onto the floor for the second time today, letting the hopelessness wash into me.
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I lay across the sofa, with Haruna spooning my small body. We watch the programme that has started, too lazy to change the channel. However, I pay no attention to the television. I only focus on the sound of Haruna’s quiet breath, the feel of her subtle movements of her diaphragm, and the warmth of her arm around my stomach.
“Haruna… do you ever think about the future?” I ask.
“Hmm?” she mumbles.
I wonder if she is still concentrating on the TV, but I continue anyway.
“Like in five years, do you imagine where everyone will be?”
There is a pause, before she answers, “I’m not sure.”
“Okay, in five years, where do you see Mariko?”
I could literally hear Haruna’s brain ticking over it. Perhaps I am expecting too much from Nyan-Nyan after a full day of schedules.
“Hmm… I guess she would have her own fashion line.”
I feel a little grin tease at my lips.
“And where do you see Mii-chan?”
“That’s easy. She’ll have her own variety show.” Haruna laughs.
I fully smile, feeling her laughter jiggle against my back.
“Atsuko and Takamina?”
“They’ll… be married. And have two kids. One girl and one boy.”
My chest flutters, the thought of having the same fate, provoking my heart. I swallow my anxiousness and dare myself to ask.
“And… us?”
The following hesitation makes me sweat with uneasiness. Was Haruna thinking about it or was the question about us too difficult to answer? I feel her shift slightly behind me and I become even tenser.
“I… don’t know.”
My heart instantly drops and I feel my mouth twitch with a frown. Did she not think about the future or... was it that there was no future for us?
Before I completely threw myself into the depths of despair, I take a deep breath.
“You haven’t thought about us?” I find myself asking, though I fear the answer.
“No.” she truthfully says.
This is better than my latter thought, but it still greatly upsets me. She can think about everyone, but how can she not picture us? Can she not imagine us married, with kids too? Though Haruna’s dopiness usual amuses me, this time I find it irritating.
I am about to get up, when I feel Haruna’s arm tighten around me.
“But, I have thought about now.” Haruna mutters, her hot breath hitting my neck. “And right now, I just want to spend as much time with you and show you how much I love you. Is that okay?”
Feeling Haruna’s hand gently move, stroking my stomach, I find myself melting under her touch. I wouldn't surrender so easily, if Haruna's touches weren't so tantalising. Though I’m still concerned, I’m more at ease now than before. At least the present is good. I'm content that she loves me now.
Although marriage was probably out of the question, and wasn’t in Haruna’s mind now, it will be in mine in the future. But we'll get to that when we're ready.
“…Okay.”
I automatically turn, magnetically drawn to Haruna’s plump lips. And we kiss. Then we proceed to show each other how much we love each other, until the sun begins to rise.
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:shocked :shocked
poor Acchan!
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God that B***H.... How could she slap Atsuko???? I want to kill her.
And I understand Yuko, but I think Haruna does love her.
Please update soon!!
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Acchan! If only Takamina didn't have an injury she'd come and save her :P
Thanks for the update, really loving your fic :D It really is hard to decide what pairing to root for in this fic :O Takamina and Haruna have a good history and they're so sweet to eachother in this fic. But Atsuko and Minami are meant for eachother and need eachother more I believe. Hm...Its def tough.
Thanks for the update once again, looking forward to the next chapter ^^
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Again, I am moved to tears. Wipes the corner of my eyes* Damn this sappy music I'm listening to isn't helping either.
Well...There is a smile on my face though and I am so happy Melon-san, so, so, so, happy to see your update after refreshing the fanfic thread. I even checked it out twice just to make sure it was really there and updated. For a second I thought I could have been seeing stuff...I don't know, been a little crazy and wary lately.
Onto to the chapter, I just love how you describe the characters. Each and every one of them...just the aura of this fic (Yes, it definitely has one) feels so...human? The angst, the love, the drama is all there and I as the reader can feel just about the same emotional turmoil the characters are going through while simply taking in the text. I'm sitting here literally putting in my own comment each time a character thinks or says something.
First off with Atsuko, just omg tears* She loves Takamina that much eh? It's almost like...her beloved girlfriend is the only thing left keeping her strong and positive. Especially with that horrible Itaki-foo that makes her work a nightmare when her sense of professionalism is now backfiring against her. SMH, sadness...Then to her and our revelation they supposedly know each other?...Wow, I wonder what Atsuko did to that girl. Must've sucked, but I'm sure maybe she had to have had a reason to do whatever she did right? T^T Hmm ...I will never know, until you update that is lol.
Then with Yuko, this was my face while reading her pov. (START) --> (^w^) --> (^_^) --> (-__-) --> (;__;) --> (T_T) --> ~~~ "A river named Yuko" ~~~ (END) lol, okay stopping with the nonsense. I can feel her slowly starting to lose it, but the love in her heart for Haruna is just so precious to her that she's trying her best to hold on even though she's having a hard time trying to figure out how. The ending scene for Kojiyuu is so beautiful, as to how it is sad.
Lastly with Takamina and Haruna...I'll be honest, I was looking forward to some TakaHaru action lol (GUILTY) Us readers didn't get their insight for this chapter, but I stand firm on my sinful pleasure wanting to read them subtly have their not-yet-fully-acknowledged affair haha. Heartbreaking drama for the win! :peace:
Thanks for the chapter again Melon-san! It was kind of short so my heart couldn't handle the needing to read more thingthing all us readers get, but I'm am grateful for this wonderful portion none the less. About my fics, when it comes to my favorite authors checking out my own fics I become embarrassed. I am inferior...so yes, I'm embarrassed. If you do though, it'll be an honor, and I'll also most likely feel motivated too. My Wmatsui fic should be updated by tomorrow I hope, it takes a while to rotate on fics and try to make it good at the same time...but eh, excuses I'm stirring in my bed with great fics like yours on my mind most of the time lol.
Sorry I rambled on again, and left a long comment of nonsense. It just happens...I feel compelled to give you my best of opinion though, because I love your work. Update soon!!! :heart:
Edit: I ALMOST FORGOT! TAKAHARU SMUT?!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! :bow: :bow: :bow:
Dis me right durr
:down
:wigglypanda:
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I'm scared reading your updates because I don't know when will Takaharu's affair scene will turn up and I'm afraid that my heart can't stand seeing Atsuko becoming heartbroken once that affair is caught. I don't hate Takaharu at all, but I still feel sorry for Yuko even though I'm not a Kojiyuu shipper :(. I understand the insecure feeling that she's having regarding her relationship with Haruna. Haruna seemed a bit...hesitating when talking about Atsumina's future, now this is a sign. What I want to know is whether Takaharu' feeling is truly...feeling built out of romance or it's just a fling, a misconception due to being left alone by their respective lovers. But I'm happy to know that Atsuko's really really really in love with Takamina. But like what arrow27 said, I'm still rooting for Atsumina (
because they're married) because they are meant for each other and their bond is so deep that it can't be broken that easily (even in real life). I'm a Taka-oshi but somehow I'm on Atsuko's side in this fic XD.
I'm not a faint-hearted so I'll follow this fic till the end. I don't mind dramas, storms, or whatever as the story progresses as long as I can have a confirmation that my OTP will be together in the end. But knowing you you won't tell me that, right XD?
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aww my dear otp.. why haruna why... I guess need a big challenge ...
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melon-lover-san, you got me
this fic is so heart-breaking, really. well, I'll keep rooting for Atsumina and Kojiyuu no matter what XD
will keep watching this fic :thumbsup
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OMG , this story is on my list of fanfics that i follow here in jphip. The story is really....anticipating, it's unpredictable and shocking. I just love how this story is going..
but....
All these lies, all these feelings that they feel makes my heart go wild and hurt at the same time, all these characters are really confused and are now in doubt.
Starting with Yuko and Acchan, their reasons for not giving such enough time to spend with them is very understandable, but giving too much time to their work that you don't even give them enough time would just make their lovers fall in love with another person. I understand that Takamina and Haruna also needs their loved ones, but at this point now, i don't know what to say anymore, i don't know what they could do. Time will come these two will do something that is so unacceptable, unforgivable, and ughhhh! I need to stop thinking about all this! THIS WOULD JUST GIVE ME AN HEARTACHE :cry:
I really don't want them to commit mistake or even lie to each other 'cause it could turn out to misunderstanding or even worst. BREAK UP. </3
Awww WHY THIS MUST BE SO HEART BREAKING :cry:
PLEASE UPDATE SOON! :bow:
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hello.
yes! you finally update!
thank you.
please update more often.
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@ anonymousdowner: Moved to tears? Really? :lol: I actually love reading your in-depth comments so thank you :twothumbs Unfortunately I haven't had time to read your other fics
or any other fics because I just can't find the time, but I'm hoping that I can still keep up with your WMatsui fic :) And with the TakaHaru request, as all my requests, it will probably be a while until I actually complete it but don't worry, it will definitely be done (sooner or later)
@ Tanchan: Awww bless. I'm sorry I've scared you and I'm glad you're sticking to the end with this fic. I'm grateful and yes, I certainly won't spoil the ending :D
@ riderchick: LOL! You're comment made me laugh and I'm glad you are just kidding about kicking me on the backside XD
@ haruhi16: Wow, on your list? :bow: And yes, they all have their own problems :smhid
Thank you everyone for their comments. Every single one is appreciated. :)
I would just like to say, with my beginning A/N of the previous chapter, after reading it again, I realised it may have sounded a bit harsh/blunt so I apologise if I scared or intimidated anyone concerning the direction and pairings of this fic. :nervous I just wanted to make it clear that this is an unpredictable angst fic so prepare yourself for heartbreak because I just like making myself and others sad
With updates, university is starting again and I'm not sure if I'll be able to update as frequently as before so I warn my precious readers in advance. But of course, I will update when I can :P
And as usual please comment and enjoy :thumbup
09 – Hurtful Revelations
My eyes flutter as I begin to awaken as the early morning sun shines through the thin curtains. I reach down to scratch my itching ankle, to only remember it is still in the annoying brace. With a frustrated sigh, I turn over. Suddenly, I feel the mattress shift by the person occupying the space next to me, which is usually empty by now. My eyes flicker open, only to meet the face of a sleeping Atsuko. A calm joy immediately buds inside me and I can’t help but bring my hand up and lightly stroke the soft skin of her cheek. My heart flusters as Atsuko softly sighs. I don’t want her to leave, but I know this is wrong.
I sit up and look at the clock, my eyes widening at the time.
“Atsuko, wake up.” I immediately say.
However, she doesn’t move. I shake her shoulder. “Atsuko, wake up!”
This time she actually stirs and her eyes dazedly open. She mumbles a morning, to which I can’t help reply with a smile. Sitting up she looks at the alarm clock and instantly Atsuko’s demeanour changes.
“Oh my god! Why didn’t you wake me up sooner?” she exclaims, scrambling off the bed and sprinting to the bathroom.
“I tried. Besides, you must have been the one that switched off the alarm.”
Instead of hearing her retort, I just listen to Atsuko brushing her teeth and gurgling unappealingly. She rushes out with her dripping face and slaps on her face cream. Not even brushing her hair, Atsuko rips of her pyjamas and searches through his wardrobe for something suitable to wear. I can’t help but laugh at Atsuko’s comical urgency.
“It’s not funny Minami.” snaps Atsuko from inside the closet.
Instantly I stop giggling and prickling heat rushes through me. Partly shocked and partly irritated by the unreasonable scolding, I remain silent. Unlike the comfortable silence we normally share, it is awkward and tense.
I watch her as she continues to grumble and ramble through her thousands of clothes. Then, I see the unpleasant mixture of blue, green and purple on Atsuko’s lower back.
“Atsuko, what is that?”
“What?” she gruffly answers.
“That bruise.” I point out. “How did that happen?”
Atsuko stops before standing up, with a handful of clothes. “It’s nothing.” she replies. In a flash, she puts on her shorts, making the bruise disappear.
“It’s not nothing.” I frown; concern quickly working its way into me. “It’s massive!”
“I just fell at work.” she tries to dismiss as she puts on her top. “It’s nothing to worry about.”
However, I pursue the topic, needing to know what happened. “But-”
“Minami.” Atsuko states my name in such a tone I stop. “Just leave it.”
I feel my heart ache in my chest. It is unfair that I am being rebuked for caring about my girlfriend. However, even though I am upset, I am more worried about Atsuko’s injury.
I want to believe Atsuko, but from the large size of the bruise, it is unlikely to be from falling. I should know, having experienced many falls and bumps myself. However, I know Atsuko isn’t going to tell me. She never tells me when something is wrong, and it disappoints me. It feels as if she doesn’t rely on me and that I’m not dependable enough to even discuss serious problems. And this feeling of ineptness doesn’t sit well with me.
But then again, I could just be paranoid and jumping to conclusions. So, I don’t bring up the subject again.
“I’m going now.” declares Atsuko, giving me a last glance. “I’ll see you later.”
Before I can even reply, Atsuko is rushing out of the room and to the front door.
She didn’t even say ‘I love you’.
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Refraining from skipping inside the studio, I happily and rather impatiently make my way to Yuko’s set. With only two schedules today, and with the first one finished and having five hours to spare until the second, I decided to visit Yuko.
Lately, we haven’t been able to spend time together and we’ve missed so many dinner dates that I’ve lost count. Although I don’t want to acknowledge it, I’m beginning to feel the distance. I know I still adore Yuko, but with my continuingly busy schedule and Yuko’s drama, we’re both starting to feel neglected. I could especially sense it from yesterday’s particular conversation. Though it was a peculiar and brief, I could tell Yuko was hurt when I didn’t know how to reply. However, I honestly didn’t know how to reply. It wasn’t that I’ve never thought about us, it was rather… I didn’t know which scenario would be our future. Were we going to get married? Were we going to have kids? Were we going to break up? I don’t know. And I still don’t know.
I’m not sure if it is from fear or from insecurities, but with so many possibilities and no specifics, I don’t want to think about our future.
I wish Yuko could understand that. Yet, I do know I disappointed her. So with this gesture, I’m hoping to make up for everything and get our relationship back on track. I know it’s a simple motion and I wish I could do more for Yuko, but right now, it will have to do.
Holding my specially prepared lunch box, I excitedly head to Yuko, ready to witness her surprised face.
------------ 10 Minutes Later ------------
After asking the staff members, getting momentarily lost, I arrive outside Yuko’s dressing room. I quietly giggle, anticipation overflowing my childish heart. I am giddy with delight and my patience is at its breaking point. So with a forceful push, I burst through the door.
“Yuu-chan!” I happily cry.
The door shuts behind me and there is a silence. With my arms high in the air, the lunch bag dangling from my fist, I realise that it isn’t Yuko sitting on the chair. Yuko isn’t even in the room.
The only person in the room is Hayami Mokomichi.
He stares up at me with a shocked expression. Noticing that my arms are still in the air, I awkwardly lower them and slide in a forced chuckle. I immediately feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and slightly peeved. Here, sitting in my girlfriend’s dressing room is the man that is acting as her character’s romantic interest, and I had made a fool of myself in front of the one person I didn’t want to feel inferior to.
“Good morning Kojima-san.” Hayami amusedly greets, rapidly overcoming his initial surprise.
At first I wonder how he knows my name. But I remember we had met once before, when I first visited Yuko at the very start of her filming. Plus, I am part of AKB48 and was, not boasting, a celebrity. My name was common knowledge amongst celebrities, like the fact that I know his name is Hayami Mokomichi.
“Good morning Hayami-senpai.” I politely bow, though I am irked underneath. “Where is Yuko?”
“Yuko is just shooting another scene.” he calmly answers. “She’ll be back soon.”
“Oh.” I reply, unable to form any other words.
Hesitantly, I sit on the only available chair, as far away as possible from Hayami. However, in the small dressing room, this is only about two metres apart.
A few moments pass and we do not speak a word. I prefer it this way. I don’t have to hear his deep, masculine voice that so many women fawn over and wonder if Yuko liked his voice too.
“Kojima-san.” Hayami’s voice suddenly sounds. So much for not talking.
I turn my head slightly so I am making reluctant eye contact.
“Can I ask you something?” he asks, somewhat nervously, which makes me feel increasingly irritated as I witness his anxious antics that would appear adorable to the general population of Japan.
“Yes.” I simply answer, wondering if he noticed my darker tone.
“You’re Yuko-chan’s best friend aren’t you?” he expectantly inquires.
I freeze. Yuko-chan? I grit my teeth at the informality. Plus, what does he mean? ‘No I am not Yuko’s best friend, I am her girlfriend!’ is what I want to answer, but professionalism keeps my mouth shut.
“You could say that.” I nearly hiss.
“And can you keep a secret?”
Curiosity and loathing is not a good mix. Though I don’t want to be interested in anything about Hayami, However, I want to know his secret. These two conflicting emotions make me hesitate. But then, I reason, it could be good blackmail material.
So with that in mind, I respond, “It depends.”
Hayami looks towards the door and edges forward, which I am not comfortable with, but I endure it for the sake of hearing his supposed secret.
“Well, you are in AKB48 with Yuko-chan. Is the rule about boyfriends really that strict?”
I don’t like where this is going. What is Hayami getting at?
“Yes it is.” I almost snap, suddenly feeling my contempt for him surface and overcome the initial curiosity. I don’t want to hear anymore.
“But I find Yuko-chan truly amazing.” Hayami abruptly professes, in a daze-like state. “She’s funny, charming, out-spoken, kind, sincere, brave, and most of all beautiful.”
With each word he spoke, my rage increased and I think steam is about to expel from my ears. The level of audacity as he actually talks about Yuko, in front of her girlfriend, is ridiculous. I realise her doesn’t know Yuko is in a relationship, but what makes him think he’s good enough for Yuko? Being kind, rich and handsome isn’t everything.
I am about to interrupt and reprimand him, not caring if he is a senpai or not, when Hayami suddenly leans in so close that it makes me halt.
“And the thing is, the last time we went out together…we kissed.”
…
What?
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I quietly sit on the sofa, watching an old episode of Majisuka Gakuen while senselessly eating from the large bowl of senbei. As I watch a fight scene, I think back to how tough it was to rehearse those scenes. It didn’t help that the floor was so slippery and painful to fall on. The rehearsals brought much laughter and physical pain. I smile at one particular memory.
When we were practising for the climactic scene before my ‘death’ scene, one of the main extras needed to throw me down to the floor. We did this a few times on the mat to practice the proper technique to give a more realistic fall, but still safe for me to do myself. It went well the first few times, however on the last practise run, she accidently threw me stronger than we both expected and my lower body landed off the mat, causing me to slam my hip against the floor. It was painful to say the least. However, after a few painkillers and an ice pack, it was better and I was ready to film the real scene. Although, from that, I was given a rather nasty looking bruise.
Suddenly I freeze. That bruise from this morning… on Atsuko’s lower back… It was almost identical to the one I had, only a fraction smaller. I am hit with a realisation. A simple slip couldn’t cause such a bruise, at least not from the angle, if it was a usual slip and fall occurrence. I knew something was wrong.
Normally, if you fall onto your backside, it doesn’t cause a bruising as your bottom is specifically designed to partially absorb impact. Atsuko’s odd bruising was too high and should only occur if she landed on a very hard surface like a concrete pavement or was hit by a substantial force that made her fall back at an unnaturally slanted angle, making Atsuko to lean further back and hit her tail-bone. And from our conversation yesterday morning, Atsuko wasn’t filming outside at all and it wasn’t even raining yesterday to cause a slip. So, Atsuko was inside, in a wooden planked set. That means only one thing.
Atsuko didn’t fall. She was pushed. And hard.
Before I know it, I am pressing 1 on my speed-dial. My solo song starts to play, and usually my mood would become happier knowing that Atsuko had my song as her ring-tone (even though I have hers as mine), it doesn’t today. It rings until, what feels like hours, before it picks up.
“Hello. Atsuko?” I quickly state.
“Minami? Is something wrong?” Atsuko’s voice returns, filled with concern.
I suddenly feel guilty, but I need to confirm what I deducted about her bruise. If I am wrong, I at least can be put at ease and lecture myself about my terrible paranoia. However, if I am right… I’m going to find the person who did such a thing to my Atsuko.
“No. Well yes. But then not really-” I stutter, unsure how to answer. There wasn’t anything wrong with me. But something may be wrong with Atsuko.
“Is there something wrong?” Atsuko asks again, this time frustration in her voice. “If not, then this really isn’t the time.”
Out of the blue, I hear the muffled voice of a woman in the background. I don’t know why but anxiety suddenly fills me.
“I just need to talk to you.”
“Minami I can’t now.”
“But Atsuko-”
“Please…”
I stop, hearing the quiet and desperate tone. Was she filming now or preparing for a scene? Remorse builds at this thought. I don’t want to be the cause of her distress, especially when it hinders her dream of being an actress.
“Fine.” I force myself to say, surrendering for now. “But when you come home, we need to talk.”
I hear the hesitation but Atsuko soon replies, “…Okay.”
Then, as soon as she finishes, she hangs up. I sit there, listening to the dial tone, left with the heavy weight of discontentment hanging off my arm that can only be relieved by Atsuko’s arrival.
So, attempting to focus my attention on the TV, I wait…again.
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…What?
They…kissed.
How can this happen?
No. I must have heard wrong. Yuko wouldn’t do something like that to me. She told me nothing happened on that day. It wasn’t even a date. They couldn’t have kissed. It’s impossible.
“And I think that I may be truly falling for her.” Hayami continues.
I don’t understand. I am falling apart and yet he is still talking. My mind is screaming for him to stop, but nothing comes out. It’s like my mouth isn’t even connected to my brain. In fact, I think my brain is completely apart from my body because it doesn’t listen to me. I can’t move, I can’t even feel anything, my nerves entirely burnt and numb. So I am forced to remain sitting, hearing this man continue.
“But she won’t have it.” Hayami complains. “It must be this no relationship rule. She won’t respond to my advances.”
Before I can get even feel the slither of happiness, Hayami turns to me, grabbing my hand which I cannot withdraw no matter how much I mentally tell my hand to move.
“So as her best-friend, maybe you could convince Yuko-chan to try dating me?” he earnestly asks. “I don’t mind keeping it a secret. It’s just that I really do like her, and with each passing moment, I’m finding her harder to resist. So could you help me?”
The urge to vomit is lingering in my throat. Then, this extreme sensation turns into a deep anger and pure hatred.
“…No.”
“What?” I hear Hayami’s voice sound.
“No!” I furiously exclaim, slapping his hand away. I stand up, staring down at the man who dared to touch my Yuko and me. “She is a member of AKB48 and the number one rule is no boyfriends. She cannot and will never date you. It is wrong for you to try to force yourself onto her and to try to jeopardise her career for your own personal desires. Yuko isn’t like your fans that would do anything you say. She isn’t that simple. She is much smarter than that. And in my opinion, being Yuko’s best friend, she isn’t dating you just because she is in AKB. It’s because she isn’t interested in you. Please keep away from Yuko. She is mine.”
With that, I rage towards the door. However, before I leave I turn to him, seeing his shocked figure remain plastered to the seat.
“Goodbye senpai.” I bow.
Then, I open the door and slam it behind me. Instantly, I feel my legs rush me towards the exit and out of the set.
I don’t care that I forgot the lunch box. I don’t care that I have not seen Yuko. I don’t care that I was rude. I don’t care that I may have just revealed my relationship. I don’t care if people can see me running away. All I want to do is get out of here.
However as I speed out, I feel my vision cloud. I realise that it is tears that are blurring my eyes and before I know it, trails of water overflow from me, dripping down my chin as my heart finally begins to crack. The betrayal finally sinks in and all I can do is force my body not to crumble onto the floor in agony, wishing a hole would suck me into its black depths and make me forget everything I just heard.
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*Warning my ramble probably wont make much sense this time.
For reals I was seriously moved to tears though!
Just like Haruna in this chapter it started with a crack to the heart and then with a flood of 'feels' then...!BOOM~! everything shatters leading to 'A river named Yuko' lol. ...You liked it that I was sad didn't you?! LOL jk.
With this update Atsumina hasn't gone anywhere...Although I do sense some kind of chaotic misunderstanding coming up with Minami wanting to pester Atsuko on her bruise and what not. Right now I'm just hoping that Maeda's co-worker will get her @ss kicked in the future, but first the heartache between the lovey dovey couple before all cause yeah...I must be some kind of masochist to want to be tortured by the plot in you fic. ...I don't know how to feel for these two right now, they need to stop keeping things from each other when they both act like all they have is each other -__-"
Onto Kojiyuu...Well, I think I know what's going to happen here. The downwards spiral of these two officially starts here. I doubt Haruna will wan't to listen to an explanation from her beloved, but at least she was like "She's mine." so yah that's hope for them eventually pulling through right there! ...&& they've never even had their talktalk yet...That's why everything is crazy. (Me): "Yuko-sama, you want to know why your Nyannyan doesn't know about the future?!!! It's because you need to fix the mess created in the present first!!!! Talk to her foo! Gahhh! Frustrated*
Still craving for the guilty TakaHaru action though...Although, I know now how the pairings will end lol. I just do,I just do..lol
It'll be nice of you to keep up with my Wmatsui fic and comply with the TakaHaru request, but it's up to you since I understand you're also busy. Still still, can't wait for that request to come true hehe. Thanks for your hard work and update soon!
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I just don't like how the Atsumina pair is developing... It's really sad to see Atsuko treating Minami like that... I don't know why she is acting this way, but if she continues they wont get any further in there relationship which would be really sad.... And Minami has the right to be worried about her girlfriend.. they are dating so...I think Atsuko should just tell her, if she doesn't she will push Minami away from her..
I like the way Kojiharu talked about Yuko with out beating that guy up.. But I'm not sure that "She is mine" was a good thing to say to him. And now she knows about the kiss.. Now she will want to talk to Yuko about that and I'm not sure how things will go.
I'm really expecting the TakaHaru pair.. But DON'T misunderstand me I'm a fan of AtsuMina, but if something happens between TakaHaru it will be in AtsuMina favor. I believe it will bring them closer to each other. If not It will be the end of them....
AND I DON'T WANT THAT!!
Update SOON!!
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OMGG i smell trouble.. my atsumina-kojiyuu couple T_T my heart hurts..
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I already read this chapter yesterday but i wasn't able to leave a comment 'cause i was in school and it's our exam week! IT'S KILLING ME :tantrum:
Onto the new chapter...
So at first, i thought Nyan Nyan and Yuuchan will have some time together after having a little fight the other night. BUT that senpai crashed my expectation for these two to make up! When that senpai told her he like Yuuchan and they kissed when they had their date last time, I WAS REALLY PULLING MY HAIR IN FRUSTATION! JAW-DROPPED! SHOCKED! LIKE SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!!? I WAS LIKE "STAY AWAY FROM YUKO YOU FUGLY ASSHOLE! YUKO IS FOR NYAN NYAN!!" Yes.... i was raging!!! RAGE!!!!!!!!!!! :scolding: :scolding: :scolding: :scolding:
Alright, i need to calm down now :mon exhaust:
So what's next?! I NEED AN UPDATE!!!! :mon blowhorn:
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wow! finally updated!!!
i'm so happy!!!
i really like your chapter (:D)
i can't wait for your next chapter..
please update more often..
THANK YOU
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hello.!
I read your chapter 09..
uhm..
it's very nice..
but it's a bit a short? (:D)
I'm very sad about Minami and Haruna..
i'm waiting for your next chapter..
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WOW
I can´t wait for the next chapter!!
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WOW jealous Kojiharu is scary
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@ anonymousdowner: Lol! you loser XD Another nice ramble and no worries, I am working on the TakaHaru request and I'm thinking I'm going to post it soon (but not too soon) :thumbsup Btw, where is your update hmmm? Jokes, no rush :D
@ haruhi16: Awww don't worry about commenting quickly (though do comment haha). School is very important :P
Well, another update and another thanks to those that commented though noticed a drop in comments. I am sorry for the later update, with university starting again and now having a part-time job, I have less free-time and much less to go to writing fanfics. However, of course I will still make time but the updates will take a slightly longer time now :(
However, again I hope everyone enjoys this chapter and comments :)
10 – Faulty Weaknesses
Sitting unnaturally straight on the dressing room chair, I try to submerge myself in the already memorised script, reading my lines over again to take my attention away from the pain on my tailbone and of this morning.
It seems like guilt is one of my main feelings these days.
As soon as I left the house, I immediately regretted the way I reacted to Minami’s obvious concern. I wasn’t sure myself why I acted so harshly towards her, when she only cared about me. However, it irks me whenever Minami sees my weak side. It’s like Minami is the strong one of the relationship, who is always there to lean and rely on. Whereas me, I’m just on the side, bothersome and in the way. It’s always been like that since the AKB48 days. Everyone could easily go to Minami for advice, me being one of them, but no one approached me with their problems. It was as if they didn’t want to overwhelm me with their troubles, even though I was ready to listen, like I was too fragile to bear any more weight. It lowered my self-esteem and soon I began to think I wasn’t good enough. And even now, I still sometimes feel the same.
I know I’m not as strong as Minami, I could never be. However, I am afraid to show her that side of me. I don’t want her to take care of me for the rest of my life. I don’t need her fighting my battles, no matter how tough they may seem. I want to depend on myself and grow. That was the whole point of life. To experience and learn.
So when Minami was so forward about my bruise, I lost my temper. It was none of her concern and she didn’t need to make a big deal. I am going to be the one that faces Itaki Mizuki, not Minami. She made me feel weak, which I hate. I know I shouldn’t feel inadequate about getting an injury; heck even the great Takahashi Minami has a sprained ankle. It’s just that, this situation was just something to add to the long, long list of evidence as to why I am a failure.
Nevertheless, I wish I wasn’t so snappy and mean this morning. I didn’t even get the chance to say ‘I love you’.
Suddenly hearing the dressing room door open, I turn. Speaking of the devil (literally), Itaki enters, flashing her usual fake smile while she settles next to me.
“How are you today Atsuko?” sweetly asks Itaki, making me cringe.
“I would prefer it if you wouldn’t address me so comfortably.”
“How is your backside? I didn’t push you too hard did I?” Itaki continues, completely ignoring my statement, as if I didn’t even speak.
“Just fine.” I coldly reply, even though I feel my lower back pulse as the band of my shorts slips over the aching bruise.
“That’s a shame.” Itaki utters. “I was hoping I did more damage.”
I glare at her with as much venom I could produce, but she just mockingly smirks. I am about to lose my cool, when suddenly my phone buzzes. Quickly picking it from the dressing table, I see that it is Minami calling. I am hesitant to answer, but the risk of Minami calling because she was in trouble is a fearful possibility.
“Is that your mummy?” taunts Itaki beside me, her voice making my ear itch.
However, I answer, surrendering to my paranoiac fright.
“Hello. Atsuko?” I hear her say, sensing the anxiousness in her voice.
“Minami?” I answer, her anxiety making me anxious. “Is something wrong?”
“No. Well yes. But not really-” Minami stutters.
What is she talking about?
“You really can’t do anything without Takamina-san, can you?” I hear Itaki sneer beside me.
With the obvious hatred towards me, though extremely childish, I feel my skin begin to prickle with hot irritation.
“Is there something wrong?” I automatically snap, unable to bite my tongue. “If not, then this really isn’t the time.”
“Oh my, someone is snappy.” Itaki chants, making my grip tighten around my phone, the case cracking lightly in my ear.
“I just need to talk to you.” Minami softly answers.
Immediately, another change occurs and once again shame washes over me, cursing my short temper.
“Minami I can’t now.” I gently return.
“But Atsuko-”
“Please…” I whisper.
I hear the hesitation, but with Itaki’s smothering presence, I don’t want to reveal any more of my personally life, which could be used as something against me. And I don’t want to ever feel bad about our relationship.
“Fine.” I hear the somewhat forced reply, but I am grateful. “But when you come home, we need to talk.”
Uncertainty fills my heart hearing this, but I cannot worry about it now.
“Okay.” I breathe, and I hang up, blaspheming myself again when I forget to say ‘I love you’ for a second time.
“Well isn’t that lovely.” cooed Itaki. “Best friends forever. Something that we used to be.”
“Stop it Itaki.” I bark, ultimately giving in to my red heart, facing her. “Just let me explain what happened and-”
“Atsuko.” Itaki interrupts. “Call me Mizuki.”
Silenced by Itaki’s completely digressing from the main topic, I watch her begin to stand, knowing she is about to head to the set early so she could suck up to the staff.
“And Atsuko.” she says, her back facing me as she gracefully steps to the door. “I know exactly what happened. And…”
She spins round, petrifying me with her pure hateful gaze.
“I will never forgive you.”
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With most of filming done, and with one scene left, I’m looking forward to just relaxing in the dressing room until I have to be on the set. But I’m not sure if I can with my recent worries.
Since last night, I have been thinking about Haruna’s attitude to our talk about the future. And though I shouldn’t be like this, I am beginning to become doubtful. Was I completely happy with what we are now? Didn’t I want more? Should we both want our relationship to develop? Was it only me feeling this way?
I know that Haruna isn’t usually open about her feelings, especially when it came to us (though she doesn’t have any trouble expressing her anger), but I would appreciate it if she was more enthusiastic about our relationship. I’m not sure why, but sometimes I feel I am more invested into us, than Haruna is. Plus, with our conversation, it proves that Haruna hasn’t even thought about our future. And this makes me more nervous than anything.
I don’t know what it is, but surely love shouldn’t be this complicated.
Feeling more exhausted than to begin with, I open my dressing room door. I immediately jump, my hand covering my pounding heart as I gasp with shock as I see the unexpected figure sitting in my usual chair.
“Hayami-senpai, what are you doing in my dressing room?” I exclaim, closing the door behind me as I regain my composure.
Shouldn’t he be home by now, his scenes long since finished?
He simply smiles, turning to me as if he belonged. And this presumptuous superiority, though before I understood as he is one of Japan’s renowned actors, makes me want to get rid of him. With his overpowering presence, which I have becoming more aware of as I spend more time with Hayami-senpai, I am beginning to feel uncomfortable.
“Yuko I want to talk to you about something.”
Averting my eyes from his intent stare, I immediately recognise the lunch box that is sitting on my dressing table. It is my special lunch box that Haruna gave me.
“Was Haruna here?” I ask, the words blurting from my lips instinctively.
I turn my attention to Hayami-senpai again, and instantly notice his change of demeanour, his expression cold and hard.
“I’m not sure.” he steely mutters.
“Well that is her lunch box.” I insist. “Did you see her drop it off?”
I can’t help but say this happily. To think that Haruna would surprise me like this is wonderful. However, I am curious as to why she didn’t stay.
As I stare at Hayami-senpai, I continue to notice his strange behaviour, his confident smile long gone.
“I… I don’t remember.”
I notice the slight twitch and genuine uncertainty on Hayami-senpai’s face and I believe him. However, I am starting to feel anxious.
“…Okay.” I breathe.
And then suddenly he is back to his usual poised self, as he smiles. “Please listen Yuko-chan. I have important to tell you.” Hayami-senpai says, standing up and walking towards me.
However at this approach, I retreat, starting to feel intimidated, and not in the good way. In a frightening way.
Before I know it, my back hits the cold wall and I can only stare at Hayami-senpai’s grinning face, which is becoming more demonic than charming.
“I like you.” he says, his eyes unblinking. “I really like you Yuko-chan.”
Penetrating fright almost cripples me as I feel my legs become numb. “Hayami-senpai, I thought we agreed to not address each other in such a casual way.” I force, my throat tightening with sensational fear.
“I know you’re acting this way because you fear you are breaking the AKB rules, but you don’t have to worry.” Hayami-senpai grins. “I’ll keep this a secret until you are ready.”
“Hayami-senpai, I’ve said this before.” I firmly reiterate, though my knees are trembling. “I do not like you in that way. I respect you as an excellent actor and as my colleague. But nothing more and nothing less.”
“But when we kissed.” he contends again, now genuinely invading my personal space. “Did you not feel that connection?”
I have never felt this much panic towards a man in my life, and all I want is for him to leave. Please someone rescue me.
“I did not.” I stiffly answer. “Please leave.”
I gasp when his hands slam against the wall, his arms blocking me within.
“I don’t believe that.”
Chills sprint along my spine as I stare, paralyzed by the wide eager eyes that made my heart pound with terror.
Suddenly there is a knocking. Instantly Hayami-senpai withdraws his arms and retreats, as if he had been caught in an act of doing something terrible. I release a quiet but strong breath of relief, my hand clutching my chest as if it could cradle my frantic heart.
“Oshima-san, the set is ready for you.”
I try to say something, but no words form. Instead I sound a sort of noise of acknowledgment. With the disappearing footsteps, I turn to Hayami-senpai, on my guard. However, this time, he seems distracted. He stares doubtfully at the floor, his eyes darting left and right as if each side of his brain is fighting each other.
“Good luck with your scene Yuko-san.” Hayami-senpai wishes quietly, before he slinks out of the room, without even looking at me.
Shock encompasses me and my legs finally give way, causing my body to slide down the way until I am slumped on the floor.
What the hell just happened?
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Silently sitting in the taxi, I try to forget yet another stressful day with Mizuki by staring outside at the passing scenery, and imagined what my life might look like if it flashed before my eyes. Would it be blurry as it was now or be clear as my love for Minami? I wasn’t sure, but right now, my life is as unclear as a stormy sea.
And what is now on my mind, is what Minami wanted to talk about. I am nervous, but curious.
So when I enter the room, I am not reserved, but silently anxious. Sitting in the living, Minami waits for me, her injured leg resting up on the coffee table which would usually make me furious, but now just makes my eyebrow twitch with quiet annoyance.
“Welcome home.” Minami greets, though not as enthusiastically as usual.
“I’m home.” I gently return.
I comfortably, but carefully, sit next to Minami, resting my head on her small but supportive shoulder as I usually do. However, instead of folding her arm around my shoulders as she normally does, Minami just sits still, making me begin to doubt myself.
“Atsuko we need to talk.”
“…What about?”
“Me. You. Us.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, sitting up, staring at the person who looked away.
Minami hesitates, making my heart do the same. Did I truly take it too far this morning? Did Minami have enough of me? Did she want to break up? I feel myself nearly about the have a heart attack.
“I just…” Minami begins; me almost in tears. “I feel…lonely.”
When Minami quietly mutters this, I feel an unexpected emotion. One I have ever rarely felt towards Minami.
It is anger.
My brows scrunch with annoyance. I immediately distance myself, sliding to the other side of the small sofa.
“Do you think that you’re the only one that’s been lonely?” I fervidly question. “Do you think late at work at night I don’t wish I am in bed, curled up next to you?”
Minami stares at me with a shocked expression, one that should make me feel the familiar guilt. However, this time I am too furious to take notice.
“That isn’t-”
“Do you think you’re the only one having a tough time?” I demand, not caring that I interrupted Minami, which I nearly never do. “I’ve been hurt and lonely. Where have you been when I needed you?”
I know I am losing my temper and my grip on the truth, because Minami has always been there for me, but I am too far gone.
“Atsuko calm down.” Minami says, looking extremely distressed, unlike the times she looked after me during concerts. “I just wanted to say that we need to communicate more. Lately I’ve been feeling we’ve been growing distant.”
“And what do you expect from me? Do you want me to drop out of the drama?”
“No I do not. I just want you to listen and to talk to me, like we did before.”
“Before what? Before I started this drama? Before I graduated? Before AKB became famous? Well those days are over Minami. As time continues, you and I are going to continue getting busier and busier, and our days of seeing each other and spending time together properly are going to limit further than what it already is now.”
As I say this, I can sense how this dawns on both of us, silent with this realisation. I am speechless, by my own mouth’s speech. How did other celebrity couples do it? Is it supposed to be this difficult?
“You’re right.” quietly admits Minami. “You’re completely right.”
I stare at Minami’s slumped figure, her back pressing into the sofa as if all the energy of her has been drained out. My anger long evaporated, leaving pellets of sadness, I shuffle back to Minami’s side and rest my head on her shoulder, fitting my body against hers. And like she’s done so many times before, her arm wraps around me, holding me close as we try to look through our bleak future.
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Rushing home, and shadowed by what happened only a few hours ago, I enter our apartment. It has been haunting me all this time and all I want to do is sleep, wake up to Haruna beside me and completely forget about it.
When I open the door, I expect the home to be dark, with Haruna still at work, however I am shocked. However, I am delightful surprised. As soon as I see the front room, I am welcomed by the one person I want to be with.
“Nyan-Nyan!” I excitedly exclaim, rushing towards her while she stands from the couch, with my special lunchbox light in my bag, I beam at Haruna. “I-“
SLAP!
My words halt, my jaw open, my cheek stinging, sudden tears springing to my eyes. I slowly face Haruna with numbness, my hand automatically cupping my pulsing cheek. My eyes widen further as I see tears running down Haruna’s beautiful but infuriated face.
“How could you do this to me?” she cries.
I stare slack-jawed, completely dumbfounded and confused. Perhaps to blow did much more damage internally. I know for sure it hurt emotionally.
“You kiss Hayami Mokomichi, and you don’t tell me!” Haruna yells, her face becoming even more contorted with rage, but still stressed her beauty.
Instantly, as if punched in the gut, all air escapes me and I can’t breathe for a few moments. I just gaze up at her, unsure what to say and terrified what is going to happen next.
I shake my head slowly. Maybe this is just an awful nightmare. There is no way Haruna could know. The only people who know are me, maybe Mariko and…
Hit again by the hypothetical fist, I concentrate on Haruna, attempting to emit my will and power for me to properly explain what happened and for Haruna to understand.
“Haruna, I-”
“Don’t!” she suddenly and tearfully interrupts. “You told me nothing happened. You lied to me… I’ve had enough of this.
Before I know it, she is already storming past me.
“Wait.” I cry, grabbing her wrist, which she quickly slaps away. “Please don’t go!” I fall onto the floor without shame and grab onto her leg, stopping her from stamping out of the door.
“Let me go!” she shouts, but making effort to try to shake me off.
“No!” I sob, tears unknowingly showing my great fear.
It is happening all too quickly. One minute we were content, and the next minute I was drowning in my own salty tears. It is happening too quickly. And I will not accept it.
Already shaken by what happened today, but tightly hold onto her slim leg.
“I’m sorry Haruna. I’m sorry.” I desperately weep. “It was my fault. All my fault.” I break down in heart-wrenching sobs, unable to control the hiccups. Finally, the weak kicks and complaints subside, leaving only the sound of pathetic and disgusting cries.
“…Okay.” I hear Haruna whisper. “I won’t go.”
I look up at her, and I see the crystal tracks that are shining under the front room lights, like angel trails.
“Just tell me exactly what happened.”
-------------- Later -------------
Dry of tears, I finally finish my explanation of what truthfully happened at the end of
“So did you kiss him back?”
“No!” I heartedly retort. “I pushed him off immediately and went.”
“Why didn’t you come home?”
“I…I went to the arcade. I didn’t know how to face you.”
Finally there is a silence where none of us talk. Haruna doesn’t even look at me and I sit; unable to not fiddle with my fingers, nervously twisting around themselves like my life is doing now.
Suddenly, Haruna is on her feet.
“I’m staying at Mariko’s tonight. Don’t bother to call me while I’m there.”
“Why?” I loudly exclaim, both of us knowing full well she is going back on what she said. “I told you everything!”
She stops, hand on door. “I just can’t look at you right now.”
And those words make the thought of stopping her again, stop in its tracks. I simply stare at the door as it quietly closes behind Haruna, making her disappear from my eyes.
Once again, silence fills the room and I slowly suffocate on it, the thoughts of today’s events flashing before my eyes as I expected on the day that I die. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything about Hayami today. Maybe because in my mind, I know, it is my fault.
My fault for being too friendly. My fault for going on the date. My fault for not saying no.
My fault for being weak.
A/N:
From this I am expecting a lot of negative comments about Hayami. Just in case anyone thinks the real life Hayami Mokomichi is like the character in my story, he isn’t (hopefully). This is purely fiction and none of the people/characters mentioned belong to me (of course but one can wish). The only character that is entirely fiction is Itaki Mizuki.
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Nooooooooooo Nyan Nyan, don't leave yukoo!! :cry: :cry: f*ck you Hayami ¬¬... ooo my poor kojiyuu Y.Y.... Acchan Bakka :P... Minami is your prince!!!
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Thanks for the update!!!!!!! Ya uni life is busy so I get you'd have a lot to do, wish you best of luck with everything :D
Loved this chapter as always :) Very sad though between what happaned with Kojiyuu and Atsumina :( Except somehow the Atsumina moment still came across as sweet when even after all that, Atsuko and Minami held eachother!
Looking forward to your next udpate :D
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awww every chapter that you write.. broke mi heaqrt a little T_T I just hope in the end.. atsumina and kojiyuu can win..
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Minami is completely right. Couples should comunicate more... If I was Minami I would break up with her immediately.. It's too painful for her....
I really don't get why Atsuko is acting this way..... It's not right.....
Yuko should've told Haruna what happened not lie to her... But Haruna shouldn't have said that....
Please update SOON!!!!
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This chapter is so painful...
Still don`t like the way that Acchan pay with Takamina what other people do to her.
And... yuko .... haruna... so pain their scene.
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This is so heart-breaking. T_T
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Kojiyuuuuu :ptam-hbk: update please!!! Put our hearts together again!! Kojiyuu kojiyuu kojiyuu!!! :ptam-cry:
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WHAT DA HELL?!!! I'M FOUR DAYS LATE?!!
*Gasp* Must I be going blind for not seeing your update earlier?? D; Curse those sleepless nights tumbling in the dark with the full brightness meter at max!
Ahah, I study like crazy and work part time too so I totally understand how busy you must be although I do always see you also constantly reblogging things while I'm scrolling down my dashboard lol. Then with the TakaHaru request!!! *INSERTS TAKAMINA'S "URESHII" CRYING MEME HERE* I'm so so so very happy to hear that, thanks so much!!!!! :bow: :bow: :bow:
I will kow tow at your feet when you do post it up, but for now I'll just add the emoticon that best describes how I feel right now...
:wigglypanda:
Haha, I literally hear the "Halleluiahs" in my head followed by "Walking on sunshine~" & it's cold@ss hell lol. Ahh, I also double updated on my fic so :peace:
Okay now on to your update like how the normal folks are supposed to comment...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <----Me ...Now with that out of the way I can finally breathe a little from that painful chapter.
Let's go with Atsuko first....Hmm, I was feeling so bad for her throughout her whole explanation in the beginning. I was literally like "Y DA HELL U NO TELL TAKAMINA ALL DAT?!!!!" Seriously, but I guess she was never mean and busy on purpose. I can't say everything is not her fault though, because I still don't know what really happened to that damn Seashore Itaki. "Y SHE NOT LET ATSUKO DO DA FINISH TALKING FOR?!!!" I'm frustrated with her and now I'm pulling an Acchan and taking out my own anger on her character!
This is what happened while reading...
Story: “I just…” Minami begins; me almost in tears. “I feel…lonely.”
Me: :cry: *Sniff* Poor Takamina...
Story: When Minami quietly mutters this, I feel an unexpected emotion. One I have ever rarely felt towards Minami. It is anger.
Me: :shocked ...OH HELLZ NAHH! (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻) *Flips Atsumina's coffee table lol*
Story: “Do you think you’re the only one having a tough time?” I demand, not caring that I interrupted Minami, which I nearly never do. “I’ve been hurt and lonely. Where have you been when I needed you?”
Me: FAK DIS SHIAT! ACCHAN YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO ACT ALL STRONG & SAID IT YOURSELF NOW WHAT DA HELL YO???!!! :mad:
&& then I felt guilty just like her...oh my gawd the frustration really does this to people. Now even I be blaming fanfic characters and shiat lol.
Then we have Minami...I can't even begin to imagine what is going through her mind. Seems like she's giving up even if she's there trying to hold on. I guess I'll get to understand her side in the next update.
I'll go to Yuko now..."Fuuu~~~" <--- Me literally. My Yuko river dried out...it's deserted, cracked, and freakin' hurts! Almost like that mental blow to the guts she received from Haruna's slap. That severe. T^T Ohh poor woman...poor woman with the empty lunch box. That's the sadness and sorrow right there people. I can't even...my gawd...(Just give me a minute to breath) ...*Breathe* Okay, my heart hella broke for her. I mean she seriously loves Haruna and never once did her feelings strayed. She did the dumb silence thing simply for the fact that she was afraid of losing her beloved, but it was the wrong choice and look what it lead to...The drying out of my 'Yuko River' SMH....
Finally Kojibabe...I'm glad she chose not to leave even though she did anyways lol. It shows how she's willing to give Yuko a chance even though she did not give give the woman her chance anyways lol. DID I MAKE SENSE?! LMFAO, yeah....I want to see an affair happen now. *Evil Laugh*
Anyways thanks so much for the hard work and update, I did my usual nonsense rambling again so I hope you smile~! I will be looking forward to more heartbreaking pleasure in the next update, cause you'll like that wont you? Hehe.
P.S. I watched that short Rainie movie with my bro. Chicks kissing is hotdayum, but yeah sucks for the dude in a dress lmfao! Awesome gifs!
Ahh & before I go I'm sorry there was a drop in comments in the last update. I'm sure people were just busy, because your chapters are always amazing so don't feel down...Or should I threaten these silent readers for you? Hmm, I'll do it cause you're a favorite Author!!!
HEY YOU SILENT READERS!!! Y U NO COMMENT FOR???!!!!! MELON-LOVER-SAN'S WORK IS A HEARTBREAKING PIECE OF HEAVEN SO PLEASE LEAVE SOME SMILES BEFORE THE GO!!! 'X D
I did good right? ...Sorry, if you didn't approve of me yelling at em' :nervous Just spreading the love so...Don't kill me! lol :peace:
Edit: P.S.2 : Oh!!! I forgot to comment on HAYAMI!! I will now!!
@ anonymousdowner: Lol! you loser XD
I'm not da loser!! <3 HAHAHA, you know how I commented about that suckie asian guy in a dress well I don't know who the real actor of that Hayami dude looks like so I pictured him like that loser!!! LMFAO, I had to add this just had to lolololoolololol
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:twothumbs THIS FIC IS GREAT , I HAVE JUST READ IT IN FOUR DAYS KEKE AND IS ONE OF HTE BEST FICS EVER :theking :on GJ: AND ALTOUGH I LOVE KOJIYUU IN THIS FIC I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I PREFER TAKAHARU IS JUD LIKE MY LOVE GROW UP FOR THIS COUPLE :luvluv2: :luvluv1: SO I AM EXPECTING THE CHEATING PART :on bleed: KEKE , SO THANKS FOR THIS FIC :on cny1: AND I'LL BE WAITING TO THE NEXT CHAPTER PLEASE DON'T TAKE TO LONG :pleeease: :hee: ... AND BTW SORRY FOR MY ENGLISH :shy1:IS NOT MY FIRST LENGUGE :shy2: :mon pray2: :byebye:
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Please update soon!! :panic: :panic:
I love this fic too much! :cathappy: :cathappy: :cathappy:
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Just read this and... I love this fic!!!!!
Soooo much drama I can't even... but i love it :)
Please please please update soon!!
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Ahhhh!!!! I wanna kill the 2 bastards!!!
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i hear my heart crack a little more every time i read this D:
its just so painful seeing them all like this...misunderstandings, untold feelings it just all hurts!
hope it gets better soon :D
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@arrow27: Thank you for the support and I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter :thumbsup
@O r i g a m i: Omg I am sorry! :OMG:
@riderchick: I'm glas you're loving the drama XD Liking your comment and ;oving the animation for Hayami :lol:
@anonymousdowner: Gasp! How could you?! :mon runcry: I'm just joking :P There really is no rush to comment but I do enjoy reading them haha. Ahh the joys of studying and working. I'm glad you liked the smut :D Oh no~ Not your Yuko river! And yes you did make sense and of course I enjoyed reading your rambles and I hope this meets your heartbreaking expectations :lol: Woo I'm glad you liked the Rainie movie, I love her so much :twothumbs Oh my! Thank you for the threat haha but it's cool, commenting is free will so if you guys want to comment, go ahead, if not then I won't be hurt much And LOL about the Hayami comment :mon lmao: you loser ;D
@yuksun: Wow, I'm glad you like my fic so much :tama-yeeaah: And don't worry, your English is fine :thumbsup
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Hi everyone. I’m glad to tell you I haven’t disappeared form the face of the planet. I’ve just been EXTREMELY busy. Sorry for the late update but unfortunately university and exams beckon. Le cries.
Anyways, I'm happy that not everyone abandoned me and that many of you commented, which is very much appreciated as always :mon squee:
I'm hoping with the Christmas holidays coming up, after my exams, I will be able to do more writing, fingers-crossed.
But as of now, hope you guys enjoy this chapter and comment away :mon santa2:
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11 – Wordless Calls
I don’t know when I fell asleep but when I wake up, I am in Mariko’s bed. I sit up, my throat parched. As expected after crying for hours. I glance to the side, hoping to see a glass of water but instead, there is a note.
Gone to work
Breakfast is on the table
Beside what has happened, I smile. Is this what it felt like for Minami, someone always there to take care of her. I am forever grateful to Mari-chan. I slip off the bed and pad through the small home until I am standing at the kitchen counter, staring at the covered plate of tasty breakfast morsels. Grateful once more, I pick a small stick of asparagus and put it into my mouth. Chewing, I remember why I don’t come to Mariko’s for any meal. It tasted like hospital food. Grimacing, I put the dish into the microwave, hoping that heating it will make it better.
There was only one time I have been in the hospital for myself.
It was a warm spring day and I was walking to the park to meet my friends. I was fourteen and naïve.
I was hit by a bicycle.
It doesn’t sound like much. However I was standing by a large tree and I was what cushioned the cyclist against it when we both crashed, with me slamming into the unforgiving tree trunk. After the immense, blinding pain from my chest, I completely blacked out. When I awoke, I just remembered doctors saying I had three broken ribs. After, I faded out again. The next time I awoke, it was before my urgent surgery.
And I think that was one of the happiest moments of my life.
Pumped with morphine, I was dazed and blissfully unaware of my surroundings, smiling up at my sobbing parents. Then, as I was rolled down the white corridors and anaesthetised while they cut me open, I wished I could always be like this. Invincible to pain. Yet the next day, I felt the full effects of the operation, when it hurt to even breathe.
That was what I had felt, walking through the dark streets, heading to only one destination. Calm, my mind blissfully blank and unaware of the piercing pain that was shrieking through my body when Yuko finally told me the truth last night. It wasn’t until Mari-chan opened her apartment door that I finally let go. I jumped into her unsuspecting arms, sobs retching through my body as she just silently held me, not asking a thing.
As if my body hadn’t had enough of crying yesterday, I feel my sore eyes well with more tears. Suddenly ‘Heavy Rotation’ plays and I jump. The count of Yuko’s voice makes me wipe my tears and pick my phone from my jacket thrown onto the kitchen stool. I make a mental note of changing my ringtone. Seeing the caller ID my heart pangs agonisingly against my chest, just like the bike accident when my heart collided against the ribcage when I collided. I watch as Yuko’s name continuously flashes on my phone, her photo smiling up at me. When it stops, I check the times she has called and see it is the umpteenth time since last night. Even though I told her not to call. All of the sudden, the phone rings again and once more I see Yuko’s grinning face. I bite my lip with indecision and resentment. A sound doesn’t exist if it can’t be heard. So I ultimately turn my phone on silent and ignore the flashing screen, pretending that the problem doesn’t exist. I flip the phone over for good measure and head to the living room, leaving the vibrating phone behind.
I sit down, with the warm plate on my lap, turning the TV on. Instantly a cooking programme shows in the screen and I mindlessly watch and eat the less than mediocre food filled with Mari-chan’s care.
However, I pay no attention, my full focus still on the phone in the kitchen. I don’t want to call her, but the constant urge to hear her voice plays in the back of my head. Yet, stubborn, I subdue it. Instead I think of yesterday’s events, which really isn’t that much better.
Truly, I am not angry at Yuko. At least, not anymore. I just can’t believe she lied to me. And for so long. Hurt and disappointment riddles through me at just the thought. I never expected Yuko of all people to betray my trust. Then, the image of Yuko sobbing at my feet hits me. Glancing at my hand that currently held the pair of chopsticks; I feel the imprint of Yuko’s cheek guiltily painted on my palm. With a deep exhale and a defeated shake of my head, I drop my hands to my lap. What was wrong with me? I really want to forgive Yuko. From the state she was, and from what she told me, it seems she was telling the truth.
However, can I forgive her when I can’t even bring myself to look at her photo on my phone? I am too scared. If she can do this once, what is there to stop her from doing it again? Am I still the naïve teen who expects to never get hurt? I don’t know. I need time to think.
But I know one thing for sure.
The next time I see Hayami, I am going to break his balls.
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The doctor’s hands are cold on my foot as I swirl my ankle around as if I was warming up for dance practice. The freedom from the choking cast is exhilarating and I don’t want to stop moving my now free and painless joint. However I find the doctor’s hands starkly contrasting against the warm hand that held mine. I feel Atsuko give me a squeeze and I smile at her reassuringly, even though I am nervous myself. Then, with a final examine, the doctor looks at me, his eyes smiling.
“I think you’re ready to go solo.”
Instant happiness and relief fills me at the doctor’s words. Atsuko makes a sound of happiness and I grin as she holds my shoulders.
“Your ankle has healed nicely and I don’t think there will be problems from now on. However, I suggest that you take an easy for at least one more week. This means no dancing and standing for prolonged periods. And if there are any problems, come back straight away.”
I nod along as if I am going to comply with everything he says, even though I already have a schedule for today. But I don’t tell the doctor this, I know he will disapprove. However I need to get back out there before I lose my entire capability of performing.
“Now, I am going to collect some forms which you will need to sign and then you are free to go.”
I happily thank the doctor until he leaves the room. When he closes the door, I face Atsuko.
“Thank you for coming but you didn’t have to.” I say.
This morning Atsuko had insisted on coming to my appointment. I didn’t know if it was because of what I said yesterday about us spending more time together or of Atsuko wanted to know the verdict of my ankle, but I was thankful for the company even if I acted reluctant. Atsuko said that she called in to the set and said there was a family emergency which she had to attend to. I am not happy that she lied, but I am secretly glad. But thinking about it now, it was wrong of me to cause Atsuko to miss a shoot. Especially since her career means so much to her.
I see Atsuko relieved expression change to a cute pout.
“Are you saying you don’t want me here?”
“You know that isn’t what I mean. I’m over the moon that you’re here. But I don’t want you to get into trouble with work.”
“I told you, you don’t have to worry. Everything is sorted. They already said that they would postpone my scene. Besides, I want to spend as much free time I have with my girlfriend.”
Glee fills me at her words and I joyfully accept her soft kiss on my lips.
It is amazing what words can do. How anxious I was waiting for the doctor analysis. What Akimoto Yasushi’s opinion means to me. What people comment about me on fan-sites. Words can make or break me. They can be beautifully or skin grippingly painful. They can build someone’s confidence or completely crush their reputation. Words can even be transformed into lyrics, becoming any type of song that can be sung. The basic foundation of communication and my career.
And yet, how can this woman who sat next to me, bestowing me with the honour of her love, can sometimes make me speechless.
“Let’s go celebrate tonight.” smiles Atsuko.
I nod, exampling my loss of words, my lips still tickling with her brief contact.
“Well, I guess I should go now since you had to remind me that I had to go.” she playfully moans. “Are you going to be alright?”
“Yes.” I smile, giving her my own kiss. “I’ll see you later.”
“Later.” Atsuko bids, standing up.
She doesn’t let go of my hand until she has to and I watch as she heads to the door. All of a sudden she hesitates when she opens the door.
“And Minami.”
I face her, waiting.
“Take an easy.”
Atsuko closes the door and once again, her words make my heart melt.
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Patting down the skirt, I look at the mirror, checking my provided outfit. Finally out of yesterday’s clothes and satisfied with the costume, I sit. I wait for Takamina to arrive, Miichan too busy hosting her variety show to be here, realising I got to the studio earlier than I expected. I quietly mutter the words of our new song, practising the somewhat unfamiliar lyrics.
“I dream of when my voice reaches you
When will you turn and face me
And realise I was always there”
Suddenly my soft hum is interrupted by another song. ‘Junai no Crescendo’ plays into the dressing room as my phone rings and without checking I know it is Yuko again. Yuko has been constantly ringing my phone at an hourly rate. My ringtone might as well be my theme tune. Yet I don’t answer. I just let it ring. Even though it annoys me hearing the same song over and over again, knowing that Yuko is on the other end hoping that I will forgive her, I can’t bear to turn my phone on silent. After the first time I did, I immediately turned back on the ringer. As pathetic as it is, the sound reminds me that Yuko still cares about me. It ensures that she is still mine. And being pathetic, I need this reassurance.
Just as the phone stops, as if on cue, the door opens. Instantly I gasp as the figure walks in.
“Takamina!”
She smiles and opens her arms in response as I hug her with my excitement.
“You’re out of your cast.” I state the obvious, smiling at Takamina’s recovered state.
“Yeah, we went to the doctor’s today.” she elatedly grins.
“We?”
“Atsuko came with me.” she replies offhandedly.
I feel my smile automatically twitch downwards, even though I don’t know why. Perhaps it just reminds me that my relationship isn’t as wonderful at theirs. I sit quietly as Takamina settles, telling me about everything the doctor said, her voice blending with the background as my problems scream forwards.
“Haruna is something wrong?”
My eyes snap to Takamina, surprised by her question. I am about to oppose her concern, when I see the expression on her face. I stop myself and release a heavy sigh that has built up in my chest over the past few hours. It’s amazing how someone can know me so well. But then again, this is Minami. There are few people who I could rest my life with, and Minami is one of them. Now the question is, is Yuko still one of them?
“It’s Yuko.” I finally say.
“Is something wrong?” Minami suddenly exclaims.
She is obviously worried for the health of her familiar sized friend. She is always the worrier. One of the many qualities that I esteem to obtain.
“No nothing’s wrong. At least, not with her specifically.” I mutter. “It’s us. She-” I pause, unable to continue. Even after everything, I don’t want to soil Yuko’s name with what Hayami did. “…We had an argument.”
I glance as Minami to see her reaction. There isn’t much to see, just her intent expression. An expression which I am familiar with, seeing it from a distance and personally experiencing the gaze before. It is the expression which displays her full attention. And for some reason, I feel my cheeks burn under the concentrated stare. I look down to my lap but Minami waits patiently, letting me prepare myself for what I am about to voice.
“Yuko can be stupid sometimes.” I quietly begin. “Sometimes she makes me so angry. Sometimes she makes me want to tear my hair out.”
I feel the bitter anger creep its way up my throat, but I haul myself out of my self-pity. Instead, a memory plays on my tongue.
“But...”
I think to the time Yuko first found me crying.
It was during back in the days where AKB48 had debuted and the second generation members were preparing to debut. We had some dance lessons together and we were somewhat familiar with each other, but at this time I was still sceptical. However, everyone had to live with the change. And like the times before, we were practising together.
That day was not the first day I cried, but the first that I felt so awful about doing so. It was not because I was stressed about AKB48 or the group’s uncertain future. That morning I received a text from my close friend from high school to discover that she was graduating soon and she was accepted into the prestigious Tokyo University. A normal friend would have instantly congratulated her, feeling proud and excited for her achievement, who had worked hard to get to where she was. However, with me, unexpected emotions emerged. Jealousy and anger swept over me and filled me until I was bloated with despair. I forced myself to send a congratulatory text, half-hearted at best. Then, even though the lesson was yet finished, I quietly left. I went straight to the corner of the messy changing rooms and squatting down, curling into myself as I self-loathed. Despicably, I wept.
At the time, I didn’t know why I did such a thing. But now I know it was because it could have been me. I could have stayed in school and studied and got a degree. I could have experienced everything a young woman should have; life-long friends, education leading to a steady career and a normal yet wonderful romance. However, this couldn’t happen to me. Giving up school and boyfriends, I threw myself in abnormality and uncertainty. I thought I was going to sparkle like a diamond and dazzle everyone with my brilliance. However, though alone I may glitter, when grouped together with other diamonds like on a necklace, I lost my shine, becoming something that couldn’t be distinguished against the other jewels. And as I watched everyone else, I came to realise I was the weak link of the AKB chain and all I could do was allow myself to slowly vanish into the background as the animosity of becoming part of a famous girl group disappeared as it grew larger and I became less important. I began to regret my choice.
I don’t know when I stopped crying but I remained in that same spot, the theatre’s costumes draping over and hiding me. I lightly sniffed the remains of my tears and woes.
“Is someone there?”
The voice made me jump but I stayed where I was. I didn’t even notice someone had come into the large room and I definitely didn’t want anyone to see me in such a state. I heard the light steps that began searching and I begged that she wouldn’t find me, whoever it was.
“Kojima-san?”
I mentally cursed and looked up through my red eyes. Oshima Yuko, one of the new generation members. When I first saw her, I didn’t think much about it, except she looked exceptionally like a squirrel with her large eyes and toothy grin. However, like the scurrying squirrel, she was quick and energetic. It was no wonder people were drawn to her, even though she was new, a stranger. Even I was one of them and I didn’t know when, but I started to watch her during practice. She even looked bright when she smiled through her sweat. One of the diamonds that I envied.
Yuko stared at me with her massive eyes that shone with genuine concern.
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t know why, even to this day, but when she asked me that simple question, I burst back into tears. Perhaps I was touched by her worry, even though she was practically a stranger. Then, unlike myself, I told her everything. To the girl who I didn’t know anything about, besides her name and age, I completely surrendered and laid myself bare.
After pouring out my guts, the next thing I knew I was being embraced.
“You’re special Kojima-san.”
Her words made my tears and my heart stop. When I pulled back, feeling the weight of her speech, I was captured by Yuko’s earnest gaze and small smile.
“But you should remember that a necklace is connected and without that single diamond link, the whole chain will fall apart. You may sparkle when you’re alone, but you radiate when you are with everyone else. And when together, you all shine the best.”
And that night, I repeated the same thing over and over again until eventually I too began to believe those words and I fell asleep, with Yuko’s voice being the last thing I heard.
Hauling myself out of the blissful past, I stare at the current knot of my fingers.
“She always knew how to make me smile. Anything she said, whenever I was down, would bring me back up so high that I felt like I could fly.”
I look at Takamina, seeing her stare at me with sadness that makes my lips twitch into a weak melancholic smile which quickly disappeared.
“But now everything she says or does just… makes me sad.”
There is a silence where none of us speaks, the room heavy with my words. I realise the honeymoon period of our relationship is over and I now have to deal with issues which I thought I would never have with Yuko. Though I held back the details, I want Takamina to tell me what to do.
“I know what you mean.”
My eyes meet Takamina’s, whose painful gaze matches own. I wonder if something happened between the perfect couple and if so, what. However, before I have time to question Takamina, the door opens.
“We are on in five minutes.” announces the staff member.
When he disappears, Takamina stands. The lonely gaze is gone as if it wasn’t there and she smiles at me. She stands in front of me and clasps my hand which makes my heart warm.
“You are special Haruna. And you can always confide in me.”
Again before I can say anything, she leaves me and I just stare after Minami, remembering the words that made my heart stop.
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Sweet relief runs through me as I rest my feet on top of a chair. Perhaps I overdid the performance, putting extra effort in to fill in Mii-chan’s spot. It also didn’t help that for most of the programme, we had to stand. However I don’t regret it. This is the most amount of fun and exhilaration I have felt in what seems like forever. Haruna closely follows me and closes the door. On turning, she notices my tired state.
“You should take an easy Takamina.” she says, sitting in front of the dressing table and touching up her make up in front of the mirror.
My eyes follow Haruna, watching as she delicately powered her nose. Her words immediately remind me of Atsuko’s and I acknowledge how lucky I am to have so many people care about me. I smile, standing when I feel the ache fade from my soles. I stand behind Haruna, meeting her reflected gaze and grin, lightly patting her head.
“Thank you Haruna, I will.”
Haruna jokingly slapped my hand away, making a tease about my height as the only time I can reach Haruna’s head was when she was sitting down. While Haruna continues to sort herself out, I take this as a chance to change. I barely got over my fear of changing in the same room as others members, but I still make sure that their attention is elsewhere before I start stripping, my chronic shyness still keeping me caged. Though I am confident in most areas, my body is my weakness. Even though Atsuko has always praised me on the way I am, I just can’t like myself as much as she wants me to. However, I think this is what every female thinks of their own body. At least that is what I imagine to make myself less self-conscious.
When I finish I turn. But then my heart jumps straight up my oesophagus when I see Haruna looking at me. I am about to exclaim my embarrassment when I notice Haruna’s soft frown. Her eyes are troubled, as if she wanted to say something but is holding back. I don’t know why, but I feel anxious by Haruna’s contemplating expression, one that she rarely shows.
What she told me before the show made me realise that I wasn’t the only one having troubles with my relationship. Even though I don’t know specifically what the problem was, Haruna told me in confidence and I appreciate it. Having never really spoken about our relationships, initially it took me by surprise to hear that the great ‘KojiYuu’ couple were going through difficulties. However, I wonder if it was something similar to my problem with Atsuko and me not spending enough time together. As Yuko is also acting in another drama, did Haruna also miss her presence as greatly as I did with Atsuko? Did she feel the same heart wrenching tug every time she watched the time tick away while she waited for Yuko to return? Did she sometimes feel to indeed, ask for her partner to stop acting and just stay with her? Does she want to turn back time to the days when it was much simpler?
Because I do.
Then without expectation, the next question comes from my mouth.
“Do you want to come with me for dinner?” I blurt before I have time to think.
And seeing Haruna’s eyes sparkle, I can’t take it back. And honestly, I don’t want to.
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Ahhhhhh!!!! Takamina is an idiot :angry:
I really want to murder her :twisted:
Yuko and Nyan Nyan... when will they be able to fix things :(
Thank you for the update :)
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OMG! yuko you are so sweet.. that make me believe in my kojiyuu again :B
and atsumina.. aww acchan you need to trust in minami..
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Melon-san's update???!!!!!!!!!!!! Yessssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what that means then...
:wigglypanda:
Oh yeah~it's wiggly panda time.
you loser ;D
My response? : :pimp: Kekeke
While the fellas above my comment :up are seemingly upset about how things have turned, I am sitting here looking like this :same :yuki: I'm still loving every single scene in this fic and oh yeah I love how the drama is progressing--especially the last sentence of this chapter.
And honestly, I don’t want to.
No regrets. YET LOL.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo!!!!!--Hella ecstatic & shiat hehe. :heart:
Fuuuuuu~~~TakaHaru's dinner plans?! Sasshi Approves. :sashiko: <-- She kind of looks like a chef here doesn't she? LMFAO :rofl: Somethings gonna happen I know it, Acchan is gonna have to hurry off to work or something. I smell prologue >:D ...Anyways, How could you though?! Leaving me in in wiggly panda mode and then ending it on there. In regards to my heart breaking expectations, it is not the contents of the story this time--it's the cutoff point! H-how c-can youuu... :cry: Only giving this poor reader enough to keep me crawling back for more in the torturousness (I made up this word lol.) of anticipation. Y...y..y?!!!!!!! Y YOU DO DAT FOR?! *Inserts rage meme* I guess though, you're good at this^^
Hmm...Acchan, I'm still waiting for her past with Itaki to be revealed. That's all I can comment on her for now. :nervous
Then Yuko. Oh gawd, Yuko. Poor poor Yuko. :pen_cry: ---After Kojiyuu's flashback...Yep, Yuko-river is back my friend.
I've missed your writing actually and this is just great work like the usual. I was reminded while reading ahah. Well, thanks for making me go Miichan :miichan: I am one happy reader. Oh & sorry about the gif spam, I took notice that you were using a lot during the personal replies so I decided to as well--Tis is how you know I am forever your follower *Gives three honorable Kow tows* :bow: :bow: :bow:
Dear Melon-santa, I will be good and looking forward to early Christmas update presents. Smile big and enjoy the nonsense in my rambling. :thumbsup
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Thanks so much for you update! This was something nice to read after I finished writing my exam! Loved this as always!! The hospital scene with Atsumina was so adorable!!! & poor Haruna, she does love Yuko but is prob confused at the moment :(
& lol did Minami just invite Haruna on her and Atsuko's date? or is it sepearte :P Well either way Minami means well since she's trying to cheer up and support Haruna!
Looking forward to ur next update!! YOU ROCK!! Love ur fic so much :D
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your update is so good that I'm confused about which pairing I prefer XD
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Sweet Atsumina moment there :wub:, but Atsuko still needs to be careful since the doctor could come back any time and catch them. However, I smell trouble coming up :(.Atsumina just made up I don't want their relationship to be shattered again.
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I´m so happy ! You update new chapter!!
I am glad that Atsuko starting of caring Minami. The last chapter these two .... its was very sad discursion
I'm worried about Haruna and Yuko. Yuko Hopefully not do anything stupid if you are very desperate ...
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Yaaaaay you update :w00t:
this fanfic confuse :?
but really like it.
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Great development with Atsuko and Minami relationship but Yuuko and Haruna... is a very different case.
If Yuuko is not careful... there is possibility for Haruna to start liking Minami
Thank you for the update and hope to see the next update.
:twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs
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@anonymousdowner : I love your wiggly panda lol. Awww I hope this chapter relieves your sadness :) Yeah I kiinda went emoticon crazy :lol:
@arrow27 : Aww thank you and I hope your exam went well :D
@stepk : Thank you and if you are having any trouble understanding the fic, feel free to ask questions and I will try my best to answer them :)
Well the updating more often didn’t happen lol. Too much time spent on eating I wish I could conjure up all my chapters from my mind to Word. My life would be so much easier. But that's not possible (yet) so for now, I will have to continue taking time to write my fics been suffering from writer's block recently This chapter is a bit longer so hopefully it will make up for the time it took to write (probably not haha).
Moving on from that, I hope everyone has had a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year. Thank you for everyone's comments and hope you guys enjoy this chapter and comment :twothumbs
P.S. I decided to make a twitter account to update people on the status of my fanfics and my life. Feel free to follow at meron_lover :D
12 – First Step Back
I sit on the sofa, the cushions moulded with my body shape as I have not moved from the same spot since yesterday. My eyes are sore and my neck twinges when I move but I remain sitting, unable to even get up to change out of yesterday's clothes.
The other night’s events still haunt me and I still feel the pain from Haruna’s words and slap. I can clearly see the hurt that shone in her eyes, her tears caused by my betrayal, and the void she left when Haruna walked out of the door. As soon as it closed, I sobbed and sobbed, my cries wracking my body until my entire being hurt from the strain. When I finally couldn’t do anymore, I summoned all my remaining strength to put myself onto the sofa where I have been for the last 24 hours. I couldn’t bear to sleep in the bed alone, not without Haruna. Then, when I awoke, I spent the entire day just calling Haruna. Despite her request for me not to call her, I couldn’t help myself. I was desperate and hopelessly sorry. I just had to get Haruna to hear that.
However, it didn’t work and Haruna still hasn’t come home.
If there was any time to drown my sorrows in alcohol, it would be now. However, I know we don’t keep any type of alcoholic drink in the house, so finally picking my sorry-self up; I head to the bedroom to get my coat and keys.
I jump when I hear the front door lock click. Instantly I rush back to the living room. I freeze when I see Haruna stand in the doorway, wearing the same clothes as when she left. Also wearing the same clothes, I suddenly experience the phenomenon which is déjà vu. My body instinctively braces itself against being struck again. However, I will let Haruna slap me as many times as she desires, as long as afterwards, she stays with me and nurses the wounds.
As I stare at Haruna, there is an incredible tense moment as she stares back. I can’t think. I can’t speak. I can’t even breathe. It’s as if she was a small animal and even if the sound of my pounding heart resonating too loudly, she would disappear. However, I am not the only one as Haruna too watches me with probably the same amount of intensity as my own gaze. Finally, as if she finished accessing the situation and finding it safe, Haruna stepped in, closing the door behind her. Even then I don’t know if it’s safe to make a sound. Perhaps I am being too overly cautious, but I don’t know how to act. And this is towards someone who I thought I knew like the back of my hand. However, I bet Haruna thought the same until last night.
Haruna takes a tentative step towards me and I feel myself automatically intake. My mind buzzes as I think of what to do. Yet I do nothing. Even when Haruna is ultimately an arm’s length away from me, within my reach, so close that I can smell her perfume, I keep stone still. I don’t even ask her where she was because I’m afraid if I do, I’ll regret it.
“I forgive you.”
Those three words hit me like a bullet; lighting fast, piercing, carrying killer impact. And probably as a result of any bullet wound, I am speechless. Like the blood that would seep out of my wound, happiness melts my nervous heart and I am about to jump for ecstasy. She hasn’t given up on me.
Then I see Haruna’s lips form the word ‘but’ and realise I was getting far too ahead of myself.
“I don’t trust you.”
Those words also hit me like a bullet; shocking, unexpected, unbelievably painful.
“Haruna…” I feel myself say, even though I don’t know how to continue.
“I want to take things slow.” she says. “At least, for now. Please respect my wishes.”
I want nothing more than to respect Haruna. Yet I can’t help but feel that we were already taking it slow for several years. It was only in this last year that we’ve finally taken the next step. It’s been one step forward and two steps back.
However, I am still willing to do whatever it takes to fix my mistake.
“Of course.” I reply.
Yet, even after my dedicated words, there is a pause. From what I can see, Haruna doesn’t know what to do next and neither do I. Hesitantly I take a step forward and she doesn’t retreat. Then, like a tidal wave, my feelings from yesterday drown me. All the fear, dread and longing that I felt yesterday until moments ago comes flooding back.
I embrace her and she lets me.
“I love you.” I say, leaving out the ‘and don’t ever leave me’.
There is short silence before Haruna places her chin on my head, her gesture of affection.
“I know.” she says, leaving out the ‘I love you too’.
I know she didn’t say it back, and though I feel my heart greatly aches because of it, I hold her tighter, terrified to let go.
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I stand at the outer rim of the huddle around the director, the tedious ritual of listening to the director’s congratulations to nearly every member of staff and what he wants to see or work on next time, after every shoot. Usually I am a keen listener to the senior’s speeches, picking up on any handy advice I could use for the future and hopefully pass on. Today is especially important because tomorrow is the special live recording. However, today my mind is elsewhere.
I think back to yesterday night. The total disappointment which was last night.
That evening was supposed to be perfect.
The morning I went with Minami to the doctor’s, I had anxiously waited with her. Then, when we received the amazing news of Minami’s healed ankle, I had instantly started to plan the amazing night that we were supposed to have one the unfortunate night when Minami first hurt herself. A lovely romantic dinner, a sweet shared chocolaty dessert (perhaps in bed), and then a sensuous dance time in the bedroom that involved me screaming at the top of my lungs at least three times and likewise for Minami.
I had planned everything to perfection.
And yet I didn’t expect it to be completely ruined by my girlfriend and best friend.
After finishing my scene, I immediately rushed home to shower and then went to the salon to get my hair done and a facial; wavy and seductive smoky make-up, just like Minami likes it. Then, picking up my pre-ordered dark blue strapless cocktail dress, I returned home and got changed. After, I called the top class restaurant that Minami took me for my birthday, to check that the table I reserved in the morning was still booked even though I knew it would be. Next, I entered the ordered taxi and headed to the restaurant, letting myself me shown to the table which overlooked the gorgeously lit balcony, the exact same place we sat last time where Minami asked me if I wanted us to be something more than friends. I sat in the same seat where I gazed at Minami’s beautiful face which framed her teary eyes which were a result from her loving confession. I placed my elbows on the table where I leaned over and placed a chaste and secret first kiss on Minami’s lips to seal our promise to each other from then on.
My heart fluttered at the cherished memory. I was hoping that the night would rekindle the passion that I felt we had lost with time passing and our careers diverging towards different paths.
Like I had a specially tuned radar, I turned to the entrance and saw Minami enter. I waved enthusiastically and her acknowledging smile shone and made the dim-lit restaurant brighter. Noticing that Minami wore the same cute silver dress she wore on the same night of 10 months ago, I knew that she realised the significance of this place when I messaged her the address. I couldn’t wait.
I thought that she was going to head straight to me, but then she turned behind her. Mild confusion struck me and I wondered what she was doing and who she was talking to. Did she meet someone she knew at the door? If it was that, I wished that she would hurry up. Then I saw a much taller figure close behind and I realised it was someone that she and I both knew. But when the two of them started to come towards me, I realised Minami was not alone. She had brought Kojima Haruna. I instantly had a bad feeling. And like I was spitting something out distasteful, the only question shot out of me.
What?
As the two headed towards me, I stood and stared at Minami, wondering what had actually possessed her to do this stunt. Did she actually think it was okay to bring a guest, no matter who it was?
“Hi Atsuko.” Minami greeted, as if everything is perfectly fine.
“Hi Acchan.” chirped Haruna, obviously not realising the boundaries she had crossed and stomped on.
“Hi.” I curtly replied, not taking my wide eyes off Minami.
“This is a beautiful restaurant.” Haruna continued.
“Yes. Perhaps you should take Yuko here some other time.” I replied, making sure to emphasise the other time.
Perhaps finally sensing my discontent, Haruna said, “Maybe I should go. I don’t want to intrude.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Minami foolishly returned, not noticing my deep frown and piercing gaze.
“This table is only for two.” I said through a gritted smile.
“I asked the waiter and he said he’ll bring another place set and menu over.”
As if summoned, the waiter appeared with the set and menu, making an extra space, placing another chair at the already small, intimately sized table. In that instant, my magical and romantic evening disappeared in a puff of smoke. This was made evident when Minami pulled the chair out and let Haruna sit before she went round and sat at her seat, leaving me to return to my seat alone with an extra person to the right of me. I could have just walked away right then, but I didn’t. We were already in a public place as it was and I didn’t want to cause a scene, which would have surely included me screaming at Minami, making Haruna feel extremely uncomfortable when it really wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t like she knew how special the night was supposed to be and what it meant to me.
That night went tragically slow but at the same time it was a horrid blur. All I know it involved me eating and listening and watched as Minami and Haruna talked for what seemed like hours until I truly felt like I didn’t belong there. Why did I feel like the third wheel? It was my girlfriend and our best friend; surely we should match like chicken katsudon curry and white rice. However, when they guffawed at their private jokes and I forced my own laugh as I choked down my scorn, it felt like I was the one intruding on their date. Though I know nothing would ever happen between them, the feeling radiated off them that night was very similar to the aura that Haruna and Yuko had, and what observers say about me and Minami. However, I was probably just reading into it too much, especially since all I could do was observe. Even in the taxi, I was shoved to the side and they talked endlessly, even until we reached Haruna’s apartment.
“Thanks for a wonderful night.” Haruna directed to Minami then me. “Bye Atsuko.”
I forced a smile which quickly disappeared when Haruna left to go into her building. All the way home I kept silent, allowing Minami to unknowingly fill the heavy hush all by herself about how it felt finally performing, how her ankle felt brand new, etc. As soon as we reached our door, I opened it, resisting the urge to slam it in Minami’s face, and stormed in, flinging my heels off in the process.
“You were quiet tonight.” I heard Minami’s mutter from behind me.
I spun round like a whip and stared at Minami. Well, it was not so much a stare as a deadly laser.
“What did you think you were playing at tonight?” I yelled, the question bursting out of me before I can stop it. “Why did you invite Haruna?”
Minami stared at me with a stupidly shocked expression. “I wanted our best friend to come join us. What’s wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong is that tonight was supposed to be just the two of us. I wanted it to a romantic evening where we would rekindle our fire of a relationship and it would lead to us having amazing, mind-blowing sex!”
She reddened at my outburst and I was already flushed with anger so my statement didn’t make much of a difference to my rosy complexion. In that moment I think it finally dawned on her the significance of the night and what it could have been.
“So I repeat, why did you ask Haruna to come too?”
“I just couldn’t leave her alone.”
“Why?”
“Because…”
“Because you’re the General Manager.” I finished for her. “You can’t leave anyone alone. You are the person everyone comes to for help and advice. Everyone’s needs come before your own. But then what about me? Am I not important enough to you? Does everyone come before me too?”
She stared at me, her mouth open like a dumbfounded fish. On normal occasions I would find it adorable, but on that occasion, it made me infuriated. I couldn’t help but feel the suffocating tears tease at the corners of my eyes.
“Everyone is important to you.” I choked. “Everyone but me.”
Afterwards, I stormed to the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I didn’t give her time to answer but I didn’t need to hear. We both knew it was true. I pressed my back against the door, feeling the contrasting cool wood on my hot palms. I was hurt. And before I knew it, even though I clenched my jaw, the tears slid down like my internal tap was turned and left to flow. I let my body slide down until I was sitting on the floor, curled my knees to my face and allowed myself this moment to be weak. I sobbed for what happened tonight. I cried for the unbearable changes. I wept for us.
All in all, the entire night was dreadful. However, what affected me the most was that Minami didn’t even bother to chase me.
“Acchan?”
I look up, meeting the eyes of almost every member of staff.
“Please pay attention Atsuko-chan.” I hear the director fuss, with Mizuki smirking behind him. “This scene is extremely important to the plot development.”
“Of course.” I say. “I’m sorry.”
The director returns to talking about the ending scene. If only an apology was all that was needed to fix us.
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When I wake up in the morning, I find that I am alone. A bolt of fear strikes me and I jolt upright. However, I calm when I see Haruna’s clothes from yesterday sprawled on the chair. It wasn’t a dream. Haruna had come back. Then memories of last night return.
I think last night was the most awkward I’ve ever felt around Haruna. I’m not sure when I fell asleep but I remember how stiff I was, lying on my back and staring at the ceiling while Haruna remained still next to me. Like an invisible divide, I couldn’t cross that line that was between us. No matter how much I yearned to at least hold her hand, I couldn’t. The barrier was as high and uncross-able as the Great Wall of China.
The trip to the theatre is quiet. This will be the first time I’ve been to the theatre in a while. My schedule permits me to go to the theatre twice a week to practice for the new single. Nevertheless, I fear it’s going to be awkward with everyone there, and Haruna had arrived before me. I wonder if anyone suspects anything. However I doubt it. It isn’t like our relationship is exactly public. Of course the people closest to us knew, while everyone else just had their suspicions. To be honest we didn’t act different except from a few sneaky touches.
I enter the changing rooms, the hustle and bustle of the girls undisturbed by my presence. When they notice me, individually or in small groups, they greet me like a long lost friend. I smile and return the greetings, making my way through the maze of clothes and people. I don’t who I’m going to but I finally reach the sofa where we usually congregate. I see Mayuyu sitting on Yuki’s lap, with Mii-chan to the side of her talking to Sae. I am about to walk to them when I suddenly notice Haruna sitting next to Takamina at a table. My body freezes and I stare at them. Haruna laughs at something Takamina says and I witness the small affectionate touches. Again the familiar bubble of strange jealousy rises in my chest until it feels like bad indigestion. All of a sudden I feel someone’s eyes on me. However it isn’t Haruna’s or Takamina’s. I meet Mariko’s gaze and I can’t help but look away. I am already ashamed of myself as it is and I don’t need her to make it worse.
Unable to take the pressure, I turn to leave. I can always make an excuse. Apparently I'm quite good at it.
“Yuko!”
I stop when I hear Takamina’s voice. I turn, pasting a bright false smile on my face instead of a true prominent frown. She beckons me to her and Haruna. My legs move on their own accord even when I see Haruna’s undecided gaze. Takamina makes room on her chair so she is now in the middle sitting on both joined chairs. She begins to animatedly conversing, with me joining in as if nothing had happened, noticing and congratulating on her free ankle. All the while, I see Haruna silently move aside and sit with Mariko, who I glance at with the corners of my focus. My chest hurts and I feel Mariko’s heated gaze prickle my skin. Right now, all I can do is try to ignore it. However, with the next few hours needed to interact with each other, I wonder how long that will last.
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I am alone in the dressing room and I take this time to skim over the new script. It’s still early and Mizuki, who I am unfortunately working with today, has yet to arrive. She is slacking, for a rookie.
However, I can’t say much because instead of concentrating on my lines for the live recording, my mind lingers to this morning.
When I woke and got ready to leave, going before the sun rose again, I saw the small bundled body sleeping peacefully on the couch. My heart stopped at the sight and my eyes began to well despite that they were sore from the night before. Even so, I stepped towards the curled body until I was looking down at Minami’s face. I stared at the restful expression that I could only see when Minami was asleep. Like a mother protecting a new-born baby, my maternal instincts kicked in and all I wanted to do was shield her from everything, including my hateful words. I gently stroked the soft cheek, brushing back the strands of brown from her cute forehead. My lips tingled with sweet desire and I leaned down and kissed the soft skin, feeling the coolness on my lips. I am filled with a brief sensation of bliss. If only I could kiss Minami like that when she was awake and fully aware. However, I was and am still furious with her. So even though I want to encompass her, I can do nothing to protect Minami from the cruel and harsh world that we live in.
“Earth to Atsuko.”
I feel myself jump when I hear the sudden voice call my name. Looking up, I realise it is Mizuki. I wonder when she got here.
“Can you pay attention? The director wants us to get on set. And I just got in.” she angrily mutters to no one in particular as she takes off her jacket. Mizuki then focusses on me again. “Hurry up. You’re wasting everyone’s time. Mine in particular.”
I clench my jaw, biting my tongue. I have accepted that I have to work with Mizuki. I just don’t accept that I have to be on friendly terms with her. That ship has longed sailed and sank like the Titanic.
As I go to the set, I see that Mizuki is already sweet talking the staff, her bright smile blinding them to her flaws. With a deep sigh, I head to fake bedroom, almost as false as Mizuki’s pretence. As I walk past, I hear Mizuki’s self-praise about her memorising all her lines. Everyone is feeling anxious because this is the first live recording of the drama, and I’m sure Mizuki’s words calmed everyone down, putting her on top of their favourite list again. On the other hand, I'm only slightly nervous. I've already performed live in front of thousands of people at a single time, probably millions if I count over the lifetime of performing in AKB48. I wait for Mizuki to step in, standing behind the bedroom door as I lay on my stomach on my character’s bed, anticipating the director’s call of
“Action!”
I flip the magazine’s pages, lazily waving my legs in the air, my head propped on my elbow, no care in the world. Suddenly, the door bursts open and in storms Mizuki.
“Kana?” I exclaim. “What are you doing here?”
“I told you to stay away from my brother. You’re no good for him.”
“You don’t know anything.”
“I know more than you can possibly imagine. For instance, did you know that he was offered a scholarship in England or that he’s wavering because of you?”
My eyes widen with shock, even though I already know this news from memorising the script.
“You’re lying.” I breathe.
“He doesn’t want to go because he doesn’t want to leave you.” Mizuki continues.
“You’re lying. There is no way he wouldn’t tell me. How did you find out?”
A second passes but Mizuki does not continue her lines. I stare at her and wonder if she is using a dramatic pause. However, if she was, she isn’t using it correctly. However, as I stare at her, I notice something. I see that her lips are in a tight line and with her wide eyes; I know immediately what is wrong.
Mizuki has forgotten her lines.
Panic fills me but I imagine Mizuki is feeling much worse. Each second that passes I feel my tongue getting drier and my mind turning on deciding what to do. Honestly, I don’t want to do anything. It’s as if karma had decided to come round and finally spite this person before me. She deserves this.
However, a voice that sounds awfully like Minami rings in my head. And I know, no matter how tempting it is, it would be wrong.
So, I begin to improvise.
“Did you eavesdrop on a conversation you shouldn’t have?” I demand, noting Mizuki’s surprised look. Mizuki doesn’t answer but I use this to my advantage. “You did, didn’t you? I knew you would. That’s the type of sneaky thing you would do.”
“How dare you.” fumes Mizuki, finally getting back on her feet. I am about to continue onto my next line when suddenly Mizuki continues. “You don’t know anything about me. You lost that privilege as soon as you decided to abandon me!”
I stop and so does Mizuki. We stare at each other, her outburst shocking the both of us. However, Mizuki quickly returns to normal.
“You don’t deserve my brother.” she says, coming to the end of our scene. “And you never will. I suggest you end it before I do.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know about you and Subaru-kun.”
“There is nothing between us.”
“You say that but I know you were with him last night.”
“That was-”
“Ai?”
We turn at the sound of Ikuta Toma’s voice. I focus on Toma’s expression, feeding off the disbelief to improve my own reaction.
“…Is it true?” he asks.
“Kojiro-”
“Were you with Subaru last night?”
“Let me explain-”
Toma-senpai storms away and I frantically chase after him, calling his character’s name. However, as I chase Toma-senpai, all I can think about is Mizuki’s outburst and ponder if it meant more than an overreaction to my acting.
------- Later -------
The day was a success and the director seemed rather pleased than upset with the sudden improv session. With this mild success, I keep in my mind that I still have a hurdle to cross when I get home.
I stand up from the chair, ready to go when suddenly Mizuki enters the dressing room. We both freeze. We have not seen each other since I had finished my scene with her and I don’t know what to say. I just nod to her and she doesn’t say anything, which is surprising. I am used to hearing at least one snide remark before the end of the day. I am about to leave when she suddenly stands in front of me. Perhaps I was getting ahead of myself when I thought there wasn’t going to be a confrontation.
“Why did you do that?” she demands. Mizuki doesn’t have to elaborate because we both know what she is talking about. “Why didn’t you just leave me to crash and burn?”
I observe Mizuki and for the first time, she seems unsettled. Like a flame, her eyes flicker with uncertainty and I realise that the past defines who she is today. And I was part of it.
“Is this your way of making up for what you did?” she asks. “Well don’t think I owe you. It’s not enough.”
“I didn’t do it for you. Honestly I really wanted to let you fail. I was thinking at last I got revenge. But I knew, if I did leave you, someone close to me would be very disappointed.”
Then, I leave, realising that Minami’ good influence still has a hold on me. That, if she was here, she would tell Mizuki to let the past go. I wonder if I should do the same.
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Very great plot there....
Yeah... Minami is too much... she care about everyone but Atsuko may be correct in someway... especially caring about Haruna.
And the action plot in the drama scene was great... Atsuko helps Mizuki and lead to a more great development in the drama...
Great thinking there... Interesting... Thank you
Can't wait to see the next
:wub: :inlove: :love: :heart:
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Thanks for the update!!! & Thanks my exams went well! On to 2nd sem now :D
Awesome chapter, many sad parts, things are def complicated! Yuko & Haruna still seem to be struggling. & Minami def messed up with Atsuko :P It was nice of her to invite Haruna but she should have better explained or comforted Atsuko about the subject, though it was sweet of her ot stay and sleep on the couch :P Can't wait to find out how things develop for everyone :)
Thanks again for the update, I look forward to the next chapter as always! ^^
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:pen_whirl: :pen_whirl:
I am very happy with Acchan and the final performance with Mizuki.
Atsuko done the right thing.
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Thank for update
Please update soon ;)
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I'm so proud of Acchan but I'm so sad for Yuko T_T
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EVen though I believe Takamina didn't do it on purpose in ruining their romantic date, but seriously, she should give Acchan priorities over anything including Haruna. Although Acchan was angry, she was right and had every right to be. If it were me I would get mad too. SEriously, Takamina should pay more attention to Acchan's feelings and stop showing concerning for every single one, especially when that concern could get in the way of their relationship.
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FINALLY AN UPDATE! :farofflook:
At first I'm angry at Acchan and pity Takamina, but now I don't know who I'm suppose to be angry to anymore.
As usual,I'm loving this. Awesome writing, awesome plot. Please update fast! :hee:
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I'm still scared.....of what might happen next. :cry:
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Update please :cry:
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please update!....... ...pretty please... :cry: i wanna find out what happen next.... I will surely be waiting! :twothumbs
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i really dont know
is like a Dorama
Continue ASAP
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I agree - this is exactly like a dorama! You write so well, I can imagine every single detail as if it were on film.
Will definitely be following your work! :yep:
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What else can I say?
This fic is just too Awesome! Its just like watching a drama. .
Please update soon!
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CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT :twothumbs
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Oh~ I am dying to see what will happen next... Please update the next episodes... please please please... I love your style writing... everything was so beautiful, it is just like a drama ... I check and check again everyday for your update but it has been awhile... please update soon... And thanks for your amazing story. :heart: :heart: :heart:
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WOW! It's been sooooooo~ long since I've updates!
Just to give everyone a heads up: I HAVE NOT ABANDONED THIS FIC
It's just taking me longer than I thought to update because of life obstacles
But I'm working on the next chapter now so hopefully I will be able to post it within one month *fingers-crossed*
Thank you to the readers that commented and liked (hopefully haven't lost too many readers :err:)
To those readers that have been sooo very patient with me, thank you and just please be a bit more patient :depressed:
And see you guys later :D
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I'm glad that you said you won't abandon this fic, since I really really love it. I still check for your fic everyday, wait for it to be update. Hope to have your update soon, and thanks again for your amazing work.
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Update please...
Your fic is one of my Fav.
Can't wait to see the next chapter
Thank you
:twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs
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I'm glad you're still alive XD
Love this fic so much. I'll be waiting :)
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I'm glad that you haven't given up on this fic
I really like this fic :)
I will continue to check it and patiently wait for that update!!
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Whooaa... Glad that you didn't abandoned this fic, Author-san :cow: :cow: :cow:
I wish you have a good plan for my squirrel :on gay: :on gay:
Have a good time Author-san :)
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please update your episode please :panic:
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I am waiting with great anticipation! But, please take your time :)
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This is cool~ Hope ya can calm yer life down~
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um.... i'm new to this site and I don't know how this system works, but I love ur story!!!! So I don't know if this site uses a pm list system like soshified, but PlEASE NOTIFY ME WHEN U UPDATE!!!!!! also update soon I really want to see what happens next!! :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :cow: :lol:
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@ heomagic : Awwww~ That is so nice, thank you :shy2:
@ cisda83 : I'm so glad one of my fics is your fav, it's always lovely to hear that :oops:
@ bimbo: Yep, still alive haha. Just incredibly busy nowadays
@ KojiYuu44 : Don't worry, I will never give up on this fic, though may be ongoing for aaages lol. I appreciate your patience
@ 48GGMU : Thank you, and I do, though may be a rollercoaster plan haha. I've been having a good time XD
@ ptrd3009 : Updated!
@ sharlatan : Awww thank you, and I really did take my time :lol:
@ AshuraX : My life is still kinda a mess but have to learn to deal :P
@ sone12 : Oh your part of soshified as well? Awesome! Well welcome to this fun site :D I don't think this site really has a PM list system but if you follow me on Twitter, I almost always tweet when I'm going to update :twothumbs
FINALLY UPDATED! Thank you to those that have commented and liked, this chapter took much much MUCH longer than expected :depressed:
So thank you for everyone's patience. I think from now on I will reply to everyone's comments that are longer than four words since I truly appreciate every reader I receive.
Underneath is just a quick summary of what has happened so far for those that have forgotten, can't be bothered to read every chapter again, or is new to the fic and just wants the spoilers:
Haruna and Yuko are a couple but life has been started to become difficult for them, especially when it comes to their relationship. Haruna is still with AKB, while Yuko is also in AKB but is now in a day-time drama which requires her to be on set for most of the week instead of at the theatre. This causes a distance between Haruna and Yuko and it hit a massive bump when Yuko goes out with Hayami, her coworker and set boyfriend, makes a move on her. However, instead of telling Haruna what happened, she decided to keep it a secret not knowing how Haruna would react, even though Mariko had soon had her hunches. Yet, when Haruna decided to surprise Yuko at the set one day, after deciding that she needed to step up in the relationship, she discovered what happened between Yuko and Hayami. Feeling betrayed, Haruna confronts Yuko, causing her to slap Yuko and storm off to Mariko's. With all these conflicts, Haruna has gradually become more
dependant on her relationship with Minami, especially after talking to Minami about her relationships problems, while Yuko is becoming more distressed, especially with Hayami's continues advances.
Minami and Atsuko are also a couple, with Minami still being the General Manager of AKB and Atsuko now a full time actress. With Atsuko starring in her very own drama series, and Minami continuing with her duties within the group, their relationship has also been tested. Minami is feeling neglected, especially with her efforts to convey her feelings, which she feels Atsuko does not see. However, Atsuko feels the same way, especially with her new tormentor on the drama set, Mizuki. For some reason, the new actress seems to enjoy making Atsuko's life ever the more difficult, which isn't helped by the fact that Atsuko is started to feel rather jealous of Minami's relationship with Haruna, which seemed to developed further. However, after a talk, Minami and Atsuko decided to commit again to their relationship, hoping to build back to what is was once before, especially after Minami has her accident. Yet, after planning a romantic night for Minami's recovery and the hopeful rekindle of their lost intimacy, Atsuko is left truly disappointed and furious when she sees Minami bring Haruna to the dinner also. That is when Atsuko blows her fuse, and though somehow managing to save Mizuki at the set, she is still left with anger and anguish, while Minami is clueless.
Well, that's about it. So I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, especially after the long wait. I don't know when I'm next updating but hopefully soon.
Don't forget to comment :mon kissy:
P.S. Check out akb-melody (http://akb-melody.livejournal.com/). I've changed a rule which some people may be interested in and hopefully cause more people to become members
13 – When to Say When
I wave to Haruna as she leaves the taxi, making sure that she safely enters her apartment. I watch when she closes the door, somewhat comforted that she wouldn’t be alone, she would be with Yuko.
The night was wonderful. It was like the old times when Atsuko was still in AKB, the days when we would meet at least once a week, a time that now seemed so far away.
Except…
I flinch at the sound of Atsuko’s heels crashing onto the floor.
“You were quiet today.” I timidly say to Atsuko.
As soon as I entered the restaurant, even though she was beautiful in the same dress that she wore on our first date, Atsuko seemed to be distant, not her usual bubbly self. Every time I looked at her, the frown on her face made me upset and rather angered. I wondered why she was acting the way she was. I even wore this stupid dress; the first and only dress that I owned at that time which wasn't part of work, which I wore when I first took Atsuko out on her birthday.
Suddenly Atsuko spins round, her glare startling me, as if she sensed my building annoyance.
“What did you think you were playing at tonight?” Atsuko yelled. I jumped, stunned. Atsuko rarely raised her voice at me, and when she did it was when she truly was furious. “Why did you invite Haruna?”
I couldn’t help but gape at Atsuko. I thought I was being thoughtful for inviting our best friend to join us, but apparently this was not the case. Was I being too presumptuous for not asking Atsuko her opinion, assuming she would agree with me? Was I selfish in not even thinking that I had to ask?
“I wanted our best friend to come join us.” I reply. “What’s wrong with that?”
If Atsuko wasn't angry before, she was now.
“What’s wrong is that tonight was supposed to be just the two of us.” she painfully exclaimed. “I wanted it to be a romantic evening where we would rekindle our fire of a relationship and it would lead to us having amazing, mind-blowing sex!”
I feel my cheeks burn from Atsuko's outburst and I can see Atsuko’s flush with anger.
“So I repeat, why did you ask Haruna to come?”
“I couldn’t leave her alone.” I say.
And this is the truth. How could I desert Haruna after she told me everything, how sad she had become and how dejected she had looked? How could I leave after my heart pulled towards her, hurt that she felt that way? All I wanted to do was to make her feel better. And when I saw Haruna’s resulting smile, I thought it was worth everything.
“Why?” Atsuko asked, not understanding how I felt.
“Because…”
I hesitate, remembering what Haruna confined to me earlier this afternoon. I couldn’t just reveal her secrets, especially about her and Yuko’s relationship. It was far too personal to share, even if it is with Atsuko. I couldn’t do that to Haruna.
However, Atsuko is quick to finish what I started.
“Because you’re the General Manager. You can’t leave anyone alone. You are the person everyone comes to for help and advice. Everyone’s needs come before your own. But then what about me? Am I not important enough for you? Does everyone come before me too?”
My heart wrenches as I see the tears build at the edges of Atsuko’s eyes. Why is it on these occasions that I notice how beautiful they are? I had forgotten how easily I could lose myself in them. However, this time I am truly lost and confused. I don’t know what to say. Is this how she feels about me being General Manager? I know that I put others needs in front of my own, but was I doing the same to Atsuko? Was I subconsciously neglecting her? Was I the bad guy?
“Everyone is important to you.” Atsuko chokes, myself feeling the same tightness in my throat. “Everyone but me.”
I stare at Atsuko who loudly slams the door. My body remains frozen, not even flinching at the loud noise. All I feel is cold and emptiness, now depressively becoming a more familiar sensation. However, I deserve to feel this way, maybe even worse. If I’ve made Atsuko feel so unappreciated, I should be punished. I just want to make things right. I want her to know that she is the most important person to me. Even though Atsuko should know this already, I know I don’t pronounce this fact frequently enough. This isn’t helped by our growing distance. A distance that I could easily cover if I just opened the bedroom door.
Yet, I am too ashamed to follow. Even if I did go after her, I wouldn’t know what to say. For all I know, I would make it worse. I am as clueless as ever. I need to give her space and time. I just have to pretend nothing is wrong. Even though I miss her; a little too much, a little too often and a little more each and every day.
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“Thanks for a wonderful night.” I say to Minami. “Bye Atsuko.”
I see Atsuko smile towards me, but knowing her long enough, I know it’s forced. Even though tonight was amazing, I knew that Atsuko felt uncomfortable the moment I arrived. I felt I was intruding on what must have supposed to be a romantic evening, and yet… I stayed. I’m not sure why I did but the more Minami talked to me and the more I laughed, the more comfortable I felt and the more I didn’t want to leave. The evening brought back memories of when Yuko and I first began dating. Everything was carefree and I only remember having a smile on my face every moment I was with her. I wanted that again.
However, it was going to be hard to trust her.
As I head to my apartment, keeping my eyes ahead instead of seeing if Minami waited in the taxi until I reached my door, my feet feel heavy. An anxious dread suddenly makes my chest twinge. Uncertain questions begin to flood my mind; ‘What if Yuko was there?’ What do I say?’ ‘What if she wasn’t?’ ‘Where would she go?’ ‘Would Yuko come back?’ ‘Would she leave me?’
My body trembles as my distress piles, making the keys jingle in my hand extraordinarily loud. I wonder what I would do if Yuko really wasn’t there when I open the door. Then, I realise, beyond anything, that is my greatest fear.
When I open the door, I see Yuko directly in front of me. The biggest sense of relief filled me but then another reel of anxiety plays within me. What do I say now?
As we stop and stare at each other, the first thing I notice is the dark circles under her wide eyes and the same, but now crumpled, clothes Yuko wore yesterday. Even though I shouldn’t feel it, guilt makes me squirm and before I know it, I step in and close the door behind me. We still stand in silent. I stare at Yuko, someone who I have known for so many years, who I considered one of my dearest friends and more, as if she were someone new. Was this the same person who constantly declared her love for me for numerous of years? The same person who kissed another person, who kept it a secret, who lied to me? Suddenly another round of hurt makes me double back but then my heart is pulled back. I remember the desperate way Yuko grabbed onto me and the times where she held onto me even when I thought I was a lost cause. I shouldn’t give up on Yuko. It’s been too hard and long of a journey to give up now.
Uneasily, I take a step towards Yuko. Then, another, until I am just an arm’s length away from Yuko. So close that I could see the redness in her wide eyes and the remains of the dimple from a smile which I feel like I haven’t seen in forever. After a turmoil of feelings, a sense of longing suddenly fills me.
“I forgive you.”
I see the impact my words on Yuko, her eyebrows rising in the way they do. Was she that surprised that I would forgive her? However, considering my reaction, I would be shocked too. Yet, even knowing this, my uncertainty wouldn’t go away.
“But I don’t trust you.”
Again I see her react to my words, only this time I see the sadness glaze across her face.
“Haruna…” Yuko quietly begins. However, before she can continue, I interrupt.
“I want to take things slow.” I say, unable to fully throw myself back into the relationship. I couldn’t let myself be vulnerable again, completely opening up myself to another, someone who could make me so ecstatic one moment and then miserable the next. Not yet.
“At least for now.” I continue. “Please respect my wishes.”
Yuko hesitates, mulling over her answer. However, she soon looks at me with a determined gaze.
“Of course.” she confidently replies, like there is not a single doubt about her respect for me.
This makes me relieved. I’ve always admired that part of Yuko; she always respected others who deserves it.
Again there is an awkward silence that hangs over us and I don’t know what to do next. So, Yuko takes the lead, like she always has, and takes a tentative step towards me. I don’t move away and before I know it, she has her arms around my waist. When she hugs me, it surprises me. Not by the fact that she was holding me, so securely, but how I just recognise how much I have missed her warmth. An embrace that is so simple, something I took for granted.
“I love you.”
I hear those three words and the world doesn’t stop. Time doesn’t stand still. It keeps going and the revelation of Yuko’s infidelity continues to replay in my mind. It is a cruel reminder that love sometimes doesn’t conquer all and with that phrase, that it sometimes can be hard work and not all can be forgot or forgiven.
I put my chin on Yuko’s head, something I’ve done many times before. My sign of affection.
“I know.” I whisper.
Yuko’s grip tightens but I can’t bear to say the three words back because I know if I do, I would surrender myself, my resolve falling with my own words.
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If I were to compare myself with something, it would be the moon.
Some days, I am full, complete. Glowing impossibly bright even when surrounded by darkness, unlimitedly happy just from a simple glance from the one I fully love.
On other days, I can be half full. Simply content. Still seen for who I am, even with half of me stuck, while the other pushed on. The days then I feel the empty presence next to me on the couch, but forgotten soon later. Feeling empty, but wanting to be full.
Then, there were the days where only a diminutive part of me was left. Just a fragment of my former self, the inkling of hope that I desperately grasp. Myself made miniscule when Atsuko and I have a vicious fight and I am left with the faint wish that Atsuko would love me again.
And then there are the days when I just completely disappear, swallowed by the harsh darkness of despair and anguish. The days that were rare but crippling, where just getting up was hard. The days when Atsuko wouldn’t even look at me, when I feel like I have forgotten how it felt when her voice would resonate towards and within me. The days when I so yearn for her warm touch that it leaves me so cold that I can’t sleep. Hidden away from everyone, folded into myself, like an eclipse. Disappearing, as if I didn’t exist.
Today was the dawn of one of those days.
Atsuko left in the morning, way before I had awoken. I can tell because the bedroom door is ajar with the bed made and new dishes left to dry next to the sink in the kitchen. Frustratingly rubbing my fringe, I get ready for work, my body aching from an almost sleepless night on the couch. As I ready myself, dulling through the mindless tasks, my mind begins to clear from the fogginess. I think of last night.
During the sleepless period of the long night, after deliberating with my thoughts, I realised that it was not just me that was the cause of the fight and it was unfair to blame myself for everything. It may be because I know I am not strong to withstand the crushing weight of the responsibility but I know that Atsuko needs to take some accountability of the faults of our relationship. She can’t just storm off whenever she disagrees with something, she needs to voice her concerns and not just silently sulk. Though it is the same with me, I am no longer to shy away from a confrontation because it is what we need. We need to get everything off our chest. The sad thing is, I don’t even remember when the last time Atsuko actually said she loved me. My chest hurts at this but I need to persevere. I don’t care if I’m being stubborn or whatever, but I am not going to apologise. There is only so much I can take and I’m tired of being taken advantage of or having my feelings played against me.
With a self-assured nod, I head outside to the place where I know I am fully appreciated by at least one person.
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If I could describe Minami, she would be the sun.
When she rose, she would shine impossibly bright, making everything around her glow. With just the trivial details she would remember, like my favourite colour or give me my favourite sweet, Minami could lift my spirits. Relaying the insignificant snippets of my life that I didn’t think she had listened to and stored.
Then, I would get too close and become burned, remembering she belonged to someone else, her mark lingering for a moments that were longer than I wanted.
And when Minami is gone, I would miss her presence, my world turned dark. I would then fervently wait for the morning when I would see her rise once more, only to repeat the torturous cycle.
I sigh as I quietly sit at the table. It’s been a stressful morning, especially with Mariko messaging me so early. She had wanted to meet and talk, and with everything she had done, I couldn’t say no. However, when I sat up and saw Yuko laying so peacefully, her back to me and just a touch away, I felt regretful. I wondered what it would appear if we arrived at the theatre separately.
Yet, with just a single glance back, I headed out, making sure to be as quiet as possible, as if I had a secret.
When I met Mariko, I told her everything, from what I said to what I did.Yet, I don't undertsand why, but I leave the part about the dinner from last night. Something's tells me that I am going to regret it. Even so, Mariko said she was happy that I had returned to Yuko but had her doubts. I said I had shared her doubts but I couldn’t help but forgive her, especially after everything we’ve been through. Mariko understood.
Needing alone time, I sat by myself in the changing rooms while the others arrived and carried on with their own business. I just wanted to see one person.
And that person came through.
I watch as Minami progressed around the room, everyone exclaiming their excitement and happiness at her return. At first I smile as I watch her, glad everyone realised and appreciated the missing cog of our team, but as time passed I started to feel the inkling feeling of distaste. The feeling similar to when I was first told about Yuko’s budding relationship in her drama script.
When Minami sees me, she grins and I immediately return the gesture. She slips into the chair next to me with ease and I already feel the effect of her presence, my muscles slowly releasing their natural tension.
“Yesterday was fun.” she says.
“It really was.” I reply effortlessly.
“We should do it more often.”
“I think so.”
Suddenly I see Mii-chan heading towards.
“Look Mii-chan.” I wave over. “Minami has taken off her cast.” I excitedly point.
Mii-chan looks at me with a puzzled expression, and I realise my mistake. However, she doesn’t comment and instead turns to Minami, who either didn’t hear or chose to ignore my change of speech.
I wonder, when did I start addressing Takamina as Minami?
After catching up, Mii-chan soon heads away to talk to Mariko and I return to having Minami all to myself. Abruptly I see Minami raise her hand. My stomach jumps when I see Yuko.
“Yuko!” Minami calls, waving at Yuko to come over.
Instantly I am just wishing that we would head to practise already so we wouldn’t have to awkwardly connect, but not all the members had arrived yet.
I stare as Yuko brightly smiles, and begins heading to us. However, even though she is shining, I see the quiver in her hands and I know Yuko is nervous as much as I am. Minami moves against me, making room for Yuko to sit. I don’t know if it’s the sudden increase in body heat or that my body is jittering excessively but I feel extremely hot. Though I am glad Minami is sitting in the middle, keeping us at a necessary distance.
“I see you’ve got your cast off.” congratulates Yuko, beginning their animated conversation.
As Minami and Yuko chat, their focus only on each other, I sneak off to Mariko. I’m beginning to feel like a lone thief.
“Are you okay?” quietly asks Mariko.
I nod.
“Do you want me to say anything?”
“No, don’t. I just want to get through one day at a time.”
Mariko nods, respecting my choice. However, I wonder if I can abide by my own choice, or escape like the coward that I've become.
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finally you update XD
i know yuko should deserve it about her mistake
but haruna she don't love yuko anymore?
it's seem she like takamina and don't care about yuko feeling
it's kinda sad about their suitation. i hope it'll relieve soon
please don't make kojiyuu and atsumina so sad writer-san :(
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Thanks so much for the update! I love this fic :D
A great chapter like always :) Still a pretty tough situation though between the two couples, all of them are having such a hard time :( Seems Haruna may have feelings for both Minami and probably still yuko as well.
As for Atsumina, it's pertty tough, poor Atsuko feels unappreciated but Minami def thinks highly of the girl. It's not really her fault she care about everyone but hopefully she can prove to Atsuko she loves her dearly still!
Thanks again. I look forward to finding out what happens next :)
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:shocked :shocked :shocked Ahhhhh... Is my eyes deceives me? An update :w00t: :w00t: :w00t:. I have been waiting forever for this moment. Ow~ I love you so much and I love how your story goes :heart: :heart: :heart:... please continue your amazing work :otomerika: :otomerika: :otomerika:. I will keep waiting for your fic :yep: :yep: :yep:
Please take care and have a nice day.
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Although Takamina is my oshi, I'm kinda angry at her for not realizing how Acchan feels. Anyone would feel upset over your lover caring about others more than they care bout you and I'm also a bit irritated at Haruna's intrusion on Acchan's birthday knowing full well that Takamina already has Acchan.
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What's going to happen to Atsumina relationship?
Would Atsuko be able to be more patient with Takamina?
What about Yuko and Haruna?
What's going to happen next?
Can't wait to find out
Thank you for the update
:twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs
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I absolutely love how you wrote this story so that the readers know clearly what the characters are thinking
it makes that story that much better :)
Atsumina are really not understanding each other circumstances
hopefully they can open up more to each other and work things out
I understand that Haruna doesn't want to dive into things too fast
but she really should give Yuko a fair chance
I know Yuko loves her very much
Thanks for the update!!
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Hm, to me it feels like everything is still up in the air. The uncertainty is rather unsettling.
But thanks for the update! I really hope you post again soon. I really do enjoy reading your writing :)
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@ ptrd3009: Yes I did, finally updated haha. I'm trying my best to update but it seems like it's not working out haha. I'm sorry but it seems like the four are going to suffer a lot more :gyaaah:
@ arrow27: Thank you haha, you really are a loyal reader :lol: Well, you no longer have to wait keke
@ heomagic: Awww thanks~ Thank you and hope you've had nice days :heart:
@ Tanchan: Yep, it's anger all around. I know for sure I would be pissed if my partner didn't notice me and if I can became the third wheel
@ cisda83: So many questions but can't answer them yet writer privilage keke But hope this chapter also answers some other questions you may have
@ KojiYuu44: Thanks, I sometimes find it difficult to word the feelings that I want to portray but I'm glad so far it's working well haha. Yes, let's hope things work out :ding:
@ kurumi: Yes it certainly is uncertain. And thank you for reading and hope you enjoy this chapter :D
Thank you everyone for the comments!
I've taken a while to update again but this time I've made it a bit longer because as you may tell from the chapter, history is going to come out and be explained hence the slightly bias amount to Atsuko
I hope everyone enjoys this chapter once more and comments again :)
14 – Running from the Past
Dance practice came and went and it was already time to go. Even though it’s been awhile since I’ve come to the theatre, it doesn’t excuse the amount of mistakes that I made. Even Takamina took me aside to ask if I was alright. However, how could I explain to her everything that has happened, even if she is one of my best friends? She wouldn’t understand because she’s the most trusted person I know. Whereas me, the one person I care about the most can’t even look at me properly, let alone begin to trust me again. Like they say, trust takes a lifetime to build but a second to collapse.
As I change, I let my gaze wonder to Haruna, who was changing across the room. Once again, I steal a glance while she almost blissfully talks to Mii-chan. This reminds of the time, which seems so far away now, when I used to always catch myself looking at Haruna. I was like an adolescent boy trying to sneak a peek into the girls changing rooms. However, I can’t help but admire her. Her sweat makes the vest top cling to her even more, with her leggings shaping around her lower half ever so nicely. That slim waist, her flat stomach, those voluptuous curves and silky skin, it is all enough to make me drool.
How long has it been since I’ve seen Haruna like that? How long has it been since I’ve prised her like this?
“I told you to tell her.”
The voice snaps my attention back and I turn to see Mariko gazing at me, disapproval on her face. I suddenly feel guilt and an anger warp inside me, swirling into an ugly mess. Without realising, my eyes are squinted into a glare, my brows scrunched with frustration. Even though Marko is one of my closest friends, I want to spite her.
“I know I made a mistake.” I mutter. “But you don’t have to rub it in.”
“But I do because it’s like you don’t realise what you could have lost.” she almost hisses. “Don’t you remember how long it took for you to actually win her over, how many tears you cried to me because you didn’t have a clue about Haruna’s feelings? Well it seems like after all this time; you still don’t know anything about her.”
Mariko’s words were like a whip, striking me quickly and repeatedly until my spirit was covered in bleeding blisters. However, even though the pain is intense, I know it’s true. Of course I knew that. But I never for once took Haruna for granted and I knew that keeping everything a secret could have possibly made everything worse. However, if she didn’t find out, it would have saved Haruna from becoming so much more hurt than she needed to be. It was obvious how she felt about my onscreen romance. So, I would have picked the latter any day. If it didn’t back fire on me, we would still be happy together. However, now that it has happened, all I wanted to do was forget about it. But it seems Mariko wasn’t going to let me go so easily. So, again, I’m going to have to run away like the coward I am.
“Look I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”
In a rush, I carry my things and escape from the dressing room. However, not before I glance back and see Haruna not noticing, too preoccupied in talking with Minami. Again, I feel the unknown twist in my heart that was becoming more frequent. Yet, without putting a name to it, I retreat to the outside. Even if I may be about an hour early, I decide to head to the set to get ready for my next job.
How could I explain to Mariko that I only knew how to exist when I was with Haruna, wanted only by her? That I don’t have a clue on how to even normally live when I am not wanted. That feeling of lost and wonderment which leaves me suspended as if I am hanging on the edge of a cliff only by a piece of string.
It is far too complicated that even sometimes I don’t understand.
When two people love each other, shouldn’t that be enough?
But I already know the cruel answer to that question.
It isn’t.
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It’s only been a day since my awful ‘fight’ with Minami but I already feel like my heart has been all but entirely consumed by guilt and regret. Above all else, what frustrated me the most was that Minami didn’t even fight back. Most of our fights involved me just yelling my thoughts, while she stayed silent, listening. Some may say that is a great quality to have, being an intent listener, but they don’t know how irritating it is to be letting your anger pore out into an emotionless block. It wasn’t that I purposely argue with Minami, but some type of reaction would be enough. I don’t want to feel like the bad guy all the time. Yet, even so, I do. This remorse was enough for me to feel bad about anything.
I drive my concentrate back on my script, wanting something to take my mind off this exhausting sensation. So much so that I find myself whispering the script to myself so I can take my mind off that Minami has my feelings wrapped around her finger.
“Can you please stop muttering?”
I turn to face Mizuki who was busy fixing her makeup that the makeup ladies had just finished. Ever since the other day, I have noticed her lessened hostility to me. This morning there were no snide remarks or obvious signs of sabotage. I wonder what happened. It couldn’t be that this was her sign of gratitude for when I saved her from losing face.
“You say it as if I have a choice.” I answer, testing her.
I can’t help how she is so much different than Minami. So argumentative and insulting that it has become more astounding how well she comes back, then how hurtful her actual words are. Usually when I retorted, Mizuki was quick to spit back her response. This is what I’m expecting.
However, I am almost shocked when Mizuki simply scoffs. Even though I am looking at my script, I can’t but wonder if Mizuki is too tired or really has less hatred towards me.
I then think of the forgotten past and remember it wasn’t always like this.
It was during my middle school days when I was met Mizuki. Being a mere thirteen year old teenager, before I auditioned for AKB48, I was cold and always said to be emotionless. Almost from the first day, I was labelled an outsider, with my joyless face. It wasn’t that I wasn’t content, at that time; I just thought there was no need to show it. There were those girls in my class that tried to involve me into their group but when they saw how unresponsive I was, those attempts soon dwindled until no one bothered. Rumours began to spread to spread about my dark aura, people saying that I was a witch. With my lifeless hair and my blank eyes, bullies found a new target. However, with the small school, they found it hard to find a free time to hurt me, especially with the constantly roaming and monitoring teachers. But when they did, though I was a terrible runner, I could hide easily. I soon learned of hiding places that the bullies knew nothing of and I soon spent my breaks and lunches in those places, my school life even more isolated than before. Yet, I didn’t mind. In fact, it was much calmer, without the constant glances and hushed whispers about my mysterious existence.
However, that secluded time was soon to end.
“This is Itaki Mizuki. She’s your new classmate so please treat her nicely.”
I remember I had blankly stared at the entrance of the new girl, not feeling much of anything. With her overgrown fringe and rather untidy uniform, plain appearance, she was quick to be labelled as an outsider. Like me.
Around me I already heard the beginning of malicious whispers and it was even more unlucky for her when she was sat next to me. However, like to others, I ignored her existence. Even when I could clearly see her nervousness and stutters, even when I knew what was going to happen to her, I ignored it. She wasn’t someone I had to be concerned with.
Then it happened during a gym lesson. The teacher asked us to split into pairs. This type of exercise I always hated since before the addition of Mizuki, I was never paired with anyone. Then seeing this, the teacher would force me into a group and even though I never reacted, I saw the looks I would receive from the pair when I invaded their bond, their apprehensive and almost accusing eyes. As if to say,
‘Why are you with us? We didn’t want you. How dare you join us. This is such a pain. Why did you have to exist in this class? Without you, we would be so much happier.’
However, even though my insides turned until there was a tight knot, I never showed it. That day began like any other lesson, as I watched everyone around get into their desired pair, I was gradually becoming alone. No one wanted me.
“Erm… Maeda-san…”
I remember spinning my head with surprise towards the source of the tiny voice. It was Itaki Mizuki. With her thick hair, I couldn’t even see the top half of her face, but I didn’t need to, to know that she was nervous. Her whole body was trembling. However, even then I was unforgiving. I just stared at her with dead eyes, not expecting much.
“…I was… wondering… if you’ll like to… be partners… with…me…”
Immediately I was struck by shock. What was this timid mouse of a girl saying to me? What others have never done, she was holding her hand out to me. And all I had to do was grasp it.
I nodded before I realised what was happening. Nevertheless, I still proceeded with caution. She might have just come to me because there was no one else. She doesn’t yet know of my true self. However, I suddenly saw her surprised expression turn into one of relief and happiness. A genuine expression that I have rarely seen.
That lesson was the most memorable and fun lesson I’ve ever had. Even though I never voiced it out loud, I was happy to be part of something. No matter how much I denied it, in my heart, I knew I was lonely. However, it was short lived. The hour lesson was over and again, we would return to just being classmates. That was what always happened. They try once, and never try again. At least, that was what I thought. Yet, at lunch, Mizuki came to me once again, seeking my lonely self.
“Can we… have lunch…together?”
From then on, we were inseparable. Soon, my emotionless and callous self, opened and in came a trickle of sensations that I had long thought had been numbed. Unreserved happiness and frank sadness, I felt it all. It was not only me that felt the change, also the people around me, their comments of my new positive attitude made my parents finally smile and feel less worried about their once quiet daughter. Mizuki had also changed. Gone was the timid, shy girl but instead a more confident and self-assured person. And it was all thanks to her. I remember when I first saw her hair parted and when I saw those eyes, so bright and lively, I realised she was much cuter than I initially thought. And I felt privileged for being the sole person in the school to realise this.
However, with our friendship came consequences. It seemed, when seeing their prey grow stronger, it only urged the bullies to increase their pursuit and harden their torturous resolve. However, thanks to my instincts and my hiding places, even with Mizuki, it was easy to avoid the conflicts. With Mizuki, it made hiding less cowardly and more fun than ever before.
One day, after mustering some courage and switching on my bluntness, I asked Mizuki something that I’d wanted to know a long time.
“Mizu-chan, why did you come to me?”
“On the first day, when I first walked to school, I saw you help that kitten. And I just thought, someone who helps others can’t be a bad person.”
My mind registered her words and my heart saved them. Mizuki was the first person to breach my dark shell and see who I really was, grasping my potential.
“Mizu-chan.” I said, clasping her hands in mine. “Let’s promise to be best friends forever.”
From Mizuki’s emerging beam, I already received my answer. “Atsu-chan... let’s promise.”
As our pinkie fingers twirled around each other, I felt the unmistakable strength of friendship. Even though we weren’t invincible, together we could be strong and our bond would eternally entwine us. I would be Mizu-chan’s best friend forever.
However, the naïve me didn’t know that some people can be incredibly cruel.
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I sit in my dressing room, rather nervously waiting for the call to come onto the set. It’s been three days since I’ve met Hayami-senpai and I feel extremely nervous. Too be honest, it is more fear than nervousness. I still clearly remember the sound that resonated through me when Hayami-senpai slammed his hands against the wall; that tremor that shook my core. His eyes… it was as if they belonged to a wild animal. It was so different from his usual tranquil self.
I remember the first time I ever met Hayami-senpai.
After my long hiatus from acting, I was extremely nervous about my first major supporting role on a mainstream morning drama, a timeslot that was unbelievably popular and demanding. It made me even more anxious that I would be working alongside veteran actors and actresses, as well as a well-known and successful director. On the first script reading that was to be held with the entire crew, I arrived first to the room, my hands clinging to each other to keep them from trembling. My mind swarmed with worrying thoughts, questions like; ‘Will they like me?’, ‘Will I be able to act properly in front of them?’, ‘Will I ruin my image if I do something wrong?’ Their noise so loud that I didn’t hear the approaching steps.
All of a sudden, I jumped when I felt large, warm hands lightly clap onto my shoulders. I remember my scream was short but brash. Immediately I spun round with a pounding heart and saw, for the first time, it was Mokomichi Hayami. From the screen, I finally saw Hayami-senpai in real life, and he wore a rather shocked expression. My heart then exploded. I stood stunned for a moment, before bowing quickly and repeated, apologising with haste.
“Oshima-san, its fine. It was my fault for scaring you.”
When I looked at him, I gazed at the tender smile and the image imprinted in me. From then on, I knew he was someone I could depend on. He was kind, gentle and reassuring. I soon began to feel an attachment to him. He reminded me of my older brother, someone who I missed dearly. After being independent for so long, taking care of others, it was nice to be nurtured once in a while. Even though other senpais treated me kindly and taught me many things, none of them seemed to have as much of an impression as Hayami-senpai did on me. He influenced my acting decisions and pushed me to greater heights. He was someone that I could finally depend on.
When I learned that Hayami-senpai and I would have a romantic line, I was tense. Could I act amorously with someone who I felt like was my brother? I felt it was almost like incest. However, I knew it would be a great test for my acting abilities and if I overcome this hurdle, I could finally trust my own capabilities. Even if it did cause some arguments with Haruna, I felt it was worth it. And with the support of Hayami-senpai, I knew I could do it.
However, when I learned of Hayami-senpai’s feelings towards me, I realised that this sibling affection I felt was one-sided. He wanted more. I didn’t. However, I couldn’t reveal that I was already in a relationship, especially with a female and a member of AKB. It would be scandalous. At the beginning, perhaps I would have trusted Hayami-senpai to something like that a secret, but then doubts began to form. I couldn’t hurt Haruna like that, especially after how I hurt her already. Just that thought makes me go crazy. Now with Hayami-senpai’s feelings, there was definitely no way that I could reveal anything to him.
Then, when he kissed me, almost forcing himself on me, it was the first time I felt such a negative feeling towards Hayami-senpai. An instinct that warned me to keep my distance. A sense of betrayal that couldn’t be easily overcome. Perhaps this was what Haruna was feeling, except for her, I bet it is ten times worse. I never loved Hayami-senpai.
I wondered if I should tell anyone what happened, the kiss that ruined my relationship with my adored senpai. I was going to tell Haruna, but then the ‘that’ happened. Just thinking of it makes my cheek twitch.
However, with the events that occurred in this short period of time, it made me think. After deliberating over it, I may have been too swift. Instead of being repelled by his actions, maybe I should feel flattered. It’s not every day that someone I highly respected has feelings for me. Although his approach may have been wrong, he doesn’t know about Haruna and me. Thinking of it, I did the same thing to Haruna, the only difference being was that we were alone in her living room. So, there is only one question really left.
Can I forgive him for what he did?
If he didn’t kiss me, I wouldn’t have felt Haruna’s wrath and feel this guilt cling to my heart like a spider’s web. However, it wasn’t his fault because he acted on an impulse while thinking I was available. These decisions were becoming all the more difficult and my head is hurting just from thinking of it. If only I could rely on someone again to give me advice. Someone like Hayami-senpai.
Suddenly there is a knocking at the door.
“Come in.” I call.
Then, as when the opens, I see who it is. Hayami-senpai stands at the only entrance and exit of the room, as if he was summoned by my thoughts. I immediately wonder if he can read minds.
“Hi Yuko-chan.” he greets, before closing the door.
Again he greets me in such a casual way that it sends shivers through me. I feel that unconscious fear cling to my shoulders, tensing them. The image of his wide eyes flashes in my mind again and I can’t help but feel anxious as I clench the handles of my seat. Nevertheless, I have decided to let the past go and forgive him. He’s done so much for me, with this, I feel we are even.
As he slowly approaches, his movement reminding me of a predator, I stand and force a smile.
“Good afternoon Hayami-senpai.” I politely greet.
“Now, now Yuko. What did we say about you being so formal? Didn’t I tell you to greet me casually? We’re friends aren’t we?”
His questions seem to be more opinions than queries, his sharp tone not going unnoticed by me. Instinctively I step back as he steps forward. The fear is building within me and I remember this feels like the other day, when Hayami slammed his hands against the wall. I notice my breath is coming in short gasps. I feel trapped.
“Yuko, I want to talk about the other day.” he begins, suddenly stopping in front of me. “I’m sorry about everything. I know I acted rashly. I just hope I didn’t ruin our relationship and hope you can forgive me.”
Seeing his sincere expression, I am less frightened. Although I don’t let my guard completely down, my heart has stopped burning. I think he really is sorry. Then, I remember even though I hurt Haruna severely, she had forgiven me. I should do the same.
“I’ve already forgiven you Hayami-senpai.” I say, letting my hand lightly pat his arm.
All of a sudden, his hands are on my arms, gripping them tightly. Panic immediately overwhelms me. Like an ensnarled animal, I attempt to free myself, frantically fighting back with my best efforts.
“Hayami-senpai! Let me go! Hayami-senpai.”
I stare at him and my insides instantly feel like they are frozen. His eyes are a steely gaze, one that held my heart with an ice grip, rimmed with a madness that I didn’t dare grasp. His head suddenly ducks towards me and I quickly avoid it, as if my life depended on it.
“Please Yuko. Just one more kiss and I’m sure you’ll feel it too.”
Tears of terror form in my eyes. I didn’t want this. I don’t want him to be like this. I want his hands off me. I want him away from me. I want him gone.
“Stop it!”
Then after my yell, a slap resonates through the quiet room. Hayami-senpai instantly freezes, as if he snapped from a trance. It happened so fast that the only inclination that I did such a thing is from my stinging hand and the pulsing red mark on Hayami-senpai’s cheek. He suddenly lets go and steps back, shaking his head as if he was denying what had just occurred.
“I’m sorry.” he whispers.
“Get out!” I cry.
Hayami immediately flees the room, as if running from a crime he committed. When the door closes, it’s as if all the air was pushed back in and I can finally breathe. I grab the nearest chair and collapse into it. I don’t know why but the chair is shaking. But then, when I look at my hands, I realise it is me who is shaking.
What is this feeling? This penetrating instinct? Oh right, its fear. I am quivering with fear.
And just like that, the hot tears roll down my cheeks. My sobs come out in trembling breaths and my chest feels like it has a thousand elastic bands constricting it. There is only one person who I wish was here with me, just her silent presence being the comfort I needed. But at the same time, she was the sole person who I never wanted to see my weak and vulnerable self, who I hoped would never see me the way I see myself. Her name comes out in a whisper that even my own ears could barely sense.
“Haruna…”
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I stare at Mizuki, her eyes staring at me with dismay and disbelief.
“How could you do this to me?” she raised, unshed tears brimming around her eyes.
“Please, let me explain-”
“No! You let Subaru-kun kiss you? You know full well of my feelings and you still let him do it.”
“Kana please-”
“Just stop. I knew you couldn’t be trusted. I thought you were my best friend. I thought you loved my brother. How could you betray us? How could you betray me?”
I don’t answer. The frown on my face is enough to show how remorseful and despondent I am.
“Just leave.” Mizuki mutters. “I can’t look at you anymore.”
On cue, I turn away from her, closing the door on our onscreen friendship.
“Cut!” shouts the director. “That was wonderful. Good work everyone.”
Finally, it is the end of the busy day of shooting and I can finally go home, even though a part of me doesn’t want to. I’m not sure on how to face Minami since our fight. One side of me was even glad to be working, my mind being kept elsewhere. However, now I have to face the music. If we are to continue this relationship, we have to jump this hurdle, even if it is the highest one so far. I know I shouldn’t blame Minami for being so caring, since that is one of the qualities she possesses which made me fall in love with her in the first place, but I wish, even if it is incredibly selfish, that she would only pay attention to me.
When I leave the set, entering the dressing room, I immediately check my phone. Immediately my heart sinks when I see there are no missed called from Minami. Not even a single message. Again the awful thought enters my head. Maybe Minami doesn’t love me as much as I love her.
However, rather gratefully, I’m not allowed to dwell on that distressing idea because Mizuki soon enters the room. I simply glance at her, which is returned with the same briefness. She easily settles down on her seat, obviously not weighed down by worries such as mine. Though, it isn’t long before Mizuki makes me realise that my unknowing thought would be proven wrong.
“You never answered my question.”
I look at Mizuki, her sudden statement catching me off guard and confusing me. I see her turn to me, giving the first earnest look she had ever aimed at me since nearly ten years ago.
“How could you do that to me? I thought… Why did you leave me?”
Her questions strike me, unexpected. It brings back memories that I wish I could forget. It was years ago but I remember like it was yesterday. This is because it still haunts me to this day.
It had been half a year since our friendship blossomed and I truly thought we were inseparable. We spent nearly every waking moment with each other, talking or in comfortable silence. Speaking on my behalf, I even thought of Mizuki even when I slept, about how grateful I was to find a friend like her.
That was until I was reminded that our bond was just as delicate as a new flower. It only took a few tramples to crush it.
It was a new season, a new term, a new year and we were finally third year middle schoolers, the most senior students in the school and just one year from attending high school. It was like any other school day, but I was older, wiser and looked at each day with a brighter approach because of my one friend. There was also one other difference. My younger sister finally started middle school and she joined us when Mizuki and I walked to and from school. The three of us, blissfully happy in our own world, that I thought no one could disturb.
With the changes, there was still one thing that didn’t change. Mizuki and I were still isolated from others. Some things cannot be changed so easily. And the old routine began of us avoiding the bullies, our secret hiding spots never discovered. Again, I thought we would persevere. If we could last one more short year, Mizuki and I would be finally free of this place and we can start anew, our friendship unhindered by other influences. Just the thought made us excited for a new life outside the walls of our current school.
However, that dream that we so easily built, crumbled just as quickly.
I was waiting outside the toilets for Mizuki, thinking of what we could do during the weekend. Perhaps we could go pre-cherry blossom watching, or shopping or-
“Hey.”
Instantly I recognise the voice, the one that made my palms sweaty and dangerously increased my heart rate. Hitomi stared at me with her cold eyes and menacing sneer, her lackeys intimidating. Even though I can only recall her first name, but I can clearly remember the fear that encased my heart every time I saw her.
“What you doing all alone Maeda?” she jeered. “Aren’t you always together with the Mouse? Where is she? Did she also decide to ditch you because she found out you’re really a witch?”
Her deriding questions made my fists clench in defiance, my jaws clenched with subdued anger, but my legs quaked with the impulse to escape. If I had run, when it was unexpected, they wouldn’t be able to catch me. However, I suppressed the instinct to retreat because I couldn’t abandon Mizuki to face the hyenas in the lion’s den alone. So, I remain silent, enduring the ridicule. Soon I felt the loom of her body, her shadow casting on my face and courage. Yet, I stare straight up at her, meeting her dark gaze with my own. I’ve finally had enough of their constant harassment. There was no turning back. My mustered braveness did not go unnoticed.
“Well, Maeda you seem to be rather brave, or rather foolish. Are you trying to pick a fight? But I guess with the support of your girlfriend, it would be expected. Maybe I need to beat the both of you to get rid of the freakiness from your body.”
I remain silent at her threatening remarks. I continue to face her, even if my body felt cold from all the evaporating sweat.
“Maybe this freakiness is contagious. I don’t want to catch it.”
My heart slightly dropped with relief. Perhaps Hitomi was going to leave her alone since I wasn’t giving her much of a reaction.
“Or maybe, it runs in the family. Maybe your family is full of witches and Mizuki is your pet. You have a sister right Maeda?”
Instantly my blood runs ice cold.
“Yeah you do. She just started in first year. Even though it seems she’s normal, maybe she needs a lesson to teach her to know her place. She deserves to be alone for having a freak of a sister. Maybe she’s the true witch but is hiding it.”
Even though I tried to respond, to defend my sister, my throat had closed with intense fear.
“But then again, she might be normal. It might just be you. You’re the only one that needs to be alone. I have an idea. We’ll leave your sister alone, if you take her place.”
I am about to quickly agree but then Hitomi must have sensed my willingness.
“Actually, no that’s too easy. We’ll leave your sister alone… if Itaki takes her place.”
My pounding heart suddenly drops, motionless and I processed what I heard.
“You tell us all your hiding places and you keep to yourself, like all witches who have to be alone, and we’ll spare your sister. How does that sound?”
It was either my beloved younger sister, who remained by my side knowing my personality, or Mizuki who was my first true friend who reached out to me in spite of everyone else. I had to choose.
No one can describe the turmoil of feelings and responsibility that I felt to each of them. The hurt I felt from every nerve of my body knowing if I chose, one would suffer because of me. That immense guilt still haunts me. However, as Hitomi cruelly hovered, I was forced to make a decision.
I had chosen.
I left without a single look back, even when I heard the toilet doors open, even when I heard the familiar yelp of surprise, I kept walking ahead, petrified to turn back, too ashamed to hide the sobs that escaped from my lips.
I purposely avoided Mizuki, with great efforts. I left early to school and left late to avoid her, not letting my sister know what was wrong. I left as soon as the bell rang, escaping her earnest gaze and finding a new place to hide that could not be found by anyone. I was alone again and I had never felt so lonely in my life. I ignored Mizuki’s endless calls and messages, even though I would look at them soon after, making myself suffer further because that was what I deserved. I had lost weight from not eating, my body became lifeless as I stayed awake with sleepless nights and thought haunting days, and my parents thought I was sickly. Then, because of that, I was excused to attend gym lessons, secluding myself from everyone, especially Mizuki, even further. I thought there was no way that I could sink lower, the grief and shame consuming me like a tar pit.
Then, it happened. That fateful day when I’m sure caused Mizuki to rightfully hate me with all her might.
It was lunch and I was heading to my new spot. It had been two weeks since Hitomi’s despising compromise and Muziki had long since given up. Then, as I was passing an abandoned garden, I heard the dull sounds of punching and kicks. I froze when I heard the sound of Hitomi and her gang’s taunting, followed by a faint whimpering. I don’t know what possessed me to head towards the sounds, but I had peeked around the corner, stood there as I watched them attack a single girl who lay defenceless in the dirt. They didn’t notice me but I saw who they were harassing. And she saw me. Her stare broke my trance and I quickly turned away. However, as I walked, I couldn’t help but want to confirm what I saw.
When I looked back, I felt my heart break and that soul-ripping urge to go back. The tears that streamed down her stained face, her small cries as they kicked at her curled body, the outreached hand that wished I would grasp, it all tore into me. However, what imprinted on my memory and my nightmares was Mizuki’s gaze. I watched as the glimmer of hope faded from her stare, until it was a blank stare, when she finally accepted her fate. It was as if all her optimism and happiness was seeped from her body, until she was left with nothing. An empty shell, which would only be filled with negativity.
I was a coward.
When I auditioned for AKB, it was during that time when I thought I had nothing else to lose. Then, when I succeeded and began to gradually sink my time further and further into this new place, a home which accepted me unconditionally, for my flaws and all, I slowly began to forget the pain and push the memories and guilt into a place where I could survive. I met the one girl who turned me into a woman, one who loved me for who I was and who took my reciprocated feelings and held them as close as I held the secrets of my past to my heart. I moved on with my life, burying that school and the people into a place where I would only visit in the darkest times, when I felt the wonderment and pinch of regret. I didn’t deserve this happiness.
I look at Mizuki now, her hair changed, her face which I always found adorable was revealed and her personality is all different from the Mizu-chan I once knew. However, I still feel the lingers of our memories that remind me of the fondness we shared between us long ago. She deserves to know the truth.
“My younger sister had just entered junior high. They offered me a choice. It was either you, or my sister.”
I don’t need to continue because it is clear who I chose. I sniff as I feel the pricks of unwanted tears. I don’t want to seem weak now. I’m tired of hiding from the consequences. I gaze at Mizuki with purpose. I have to let the past go.
“Perhaps I should have said this sooner but… I’m sorry.”
A silence follows. I had expected to do something, scream or hit me, but Mizuki remains quiet. Her silence scares me more. Suddenly, she stands and I watch as she heads to the door. Then, when she opens it, Mizuki gives me one last look before leaving.
When the sound of the latch clicks, I still think of her eyes. Her gaze was as emotionless as that fateful day I turned away and ruined our precious friendship. The day that I broke our promise to be best friends forever.
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Finally !!!
An update... :bow:
That Hayami guy... :angry:
I want to kill him... :angry:
Can't wait for the next chapter..
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Finally you're back too! :heart:
awww whats going to happen to my kojiyuu :cry: :cry:
this fic is becoming sad :cry:
i hope kojiyuu will make up soon :cry:
PLEASE UPDATE SOON!! i really missed this :P :bow:
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Awesome as always :)
I hope you can update more frequent than now :P Just so in love with your fanfic. It's hard now to find a serious, drama-genre fanfic with Minami + Haruna's weird relationship. Can't describe how much exciting it is to read the next chap XD
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AWwwwww~ Thank you so much for this update. I really really love your fic and I read it a lot of time already. I've waited so long and it's really worth it. Thanks again!!! Please take care and update it sooner :P.
Thanks thanks thanks. <3 <3 <3
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AIR! AIR! I NEED AIR!
Whoaaah this is awesome, very awesome. :gmon love:
Mizuki and Acchan's friendship is really sad.
We can't blame the both of them. Cause it's the bullies!
(Well we can also blame the author. LOL joke iloveyouauthorsan) :mon kissy:
But well it's the story, waaaah so beautiful.
I can't stop reading it when I started until this chapter.
I got angry when my mother interrupted me lol. :ding:
Well then I think I need to wait for the updates like others doing.
I love it :heart: Thank you!
Ganbatte! :yep:
Ps: UPDATE'S A MUST :bow: :panic:
~also i now shipped AcchanxMizuki :mon wtf: :mikilaugh:
jaaa~ :cow:
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olive29: Totally, he's a bad bad man
Tam_atsu: Well, you're not going to like this chapter then...
bimbo: Thank you very much, and yeah, updating frequently didn't happen at all lol!
heomagic: Sorry about the wait!
yourockme: Thanks! :lol: Awww poor mum XD
I am back! I am so sorry it took such a long time to update, especially after I said in the last chapter I would update more frequently lol! I don't know what even happened, it's not even a long chapter, but I eventually got to it and here it is. Since I haven't got an excuse, I'll let you guys get to reading haha
Thank you to the commenters and likers and hope everyone enjoys this chapter :D
15 – Home is Where the Heart is
Practice came and went and it was already the end.
“The ramen was so spicy I thought my tongue was going to fall off!”
Giggles bubble in my chest and escapes from my mouth, my stomach hurting from Minami’s story. I easily remember when Minami ate the spiciest ramen in the world and how she literally blurted them out. It was hilarious and adorable. It is one of those memories that always bring a smile to my face.
Suddenly I remember, in the midst of my laughter, how I want Yuko to hear this story, how I missed the sweet sound of her chortles and the picturesque sight of her smile. At what seems like a memory now, my laughter dies down. I am sad again. As Minami talks, I sneak a glance at Yuko, who was changing across the room. Except from Mari-chan, it seemed no one noticed the tension between us, even in practice. Though we were professional when performing songs, smiling even when we were positioned closely, at the end we immediately drew apart, like repelling magnets. At least, I walked away, and when I looked, Yuko seemed to have been doing the same. It was difficult to say the least. Even now, as I watch her change, I feel the familiar yearning to touch her soft skin, to feel the slight shivers that only my touch could bring. However, I wasn’t the only one that wanted to touch her intimately. She was kissed by another. Immediately I flare with anger and I turn away.
Love is supposed to be patient. Love is kind. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. So why was it that I am impatient, spiteful, distrusting, uncertain and tired?
I glance at Minami as she changes and I look at her, closer than I have ever before. I realise how different she is to Yuko, only sharing their small height. Yuko had a voluptuous body, even with her short stature, while Minami was flatter but still as thin. Yuko wore decorative undergarments while Minami stuck to plain colours. Yuko carried herself with a childish and boyish confidence, especially while getting changed, while Minami was still timid and shy, changing with a speed that was incomparable. One I have complete faith in, the other I have lost all belief. Now when I’m even near Yuko, I feel awkward. With Minami, I feel the most comfortable.
Sometimes, I wonder, what it would to be with Minami.
To have her care for me like she did for Atsuko, the feeling of having complete trust in your partner. That concept is now a mystery to me.
Flipping on my shirt, I glance at Yuko’s direction. I stop when I see Mari-chan talking to Yuko, and I can instantly tell that Yuko is uncomfortable. I ponder what Mari-chan is saying. I know it must be something hard to hear because Yuko hastily rushes out of the changing rooms, without a single glance at me.
“Minami.” I say, her name slipping easily from my tongue, still gazing at the spot Yuko was just a moment ago.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want to go home.”
I hear Minami pause but then she answers. “Me either.”
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Haruna laughs as I explain and describe the spiciness of the ramen. As she laughs, I do as well. This is the most calm I have felt in a while. However, no matter how much I try to convince myself, it isn’t the same. I try to put on a false pretence, an image of bliss, that nothing is wrong with my life. If only they knew, that underneath each laugh and humorous story, my heart was crying with loneliness.
Atsuko left again without a word in the morning and I awoke from the couch feeling my back and neck ache and my chest painfully aware that she still hasn’t spoken a meaningful word to me. I know that perhaps I should be the first to approach her since I am guilty of making her utterly upset. However, just because I care for others as well as Atsuko, doesn’t mean I was in the wrong. It is in my nature to be caring and I don’t want to apologise for being kind. Therefore, just as stubbornly as Atsuko, I remain silent, even if the place I once called home isn’t comfortable anymore.
Yet, at the same time, I want to call her. I want to hear her voice. I want to hear her say ‘I love you’. Even though we live together, she’s not there. I miss her.
I take my mobile phone out. No relevant messages or missed calls. I think about calling her, but I don’t. I don’t want to bother her, especially at work, where she would probably have blunt words towards me since I would be disturbing her.
Suddenly, I feel myself look at Haruna, who is still smiling to herself. Carefree and easy-going, our personalities just click. I could so joke and mess around with Haruna, but at the same time, know that I could fully depend on her when need be. She is always there for me.
Unlike Atsuko, who is sometimes too serious or too careless, that she would frustrate or worry me. What makes me more aware of Atsuko and I, of us, is when she’s not even around. When her presence is missing and I am alone. When I remember the times when she used to always be there for me, and quick to notice the void that she has left.
Not for the first time, I wish that my relationship with Atsuko was just as blithe and easy as my friendship with Haruna.
My eyes are still on my phone, when Haruna’s voice suddenly brings my attention back.
“Minami.” she says, my name that usually only Atsuko calls me, as if it was only reserved for her.
I’ve noticed before that Haruna had started using my proper name but I chose to ignore it. I thought it was probably just the slip of the tongue. However, as the times passed, and the more frequent Haruna addressed me in such a way, I’ve grown fond of it. Now, it I think it is stranger when she calls me ‘Takamina’, rather than ‘Minami’.
When I glance up, I see Haruna staring at Yuko, her girlfriend. I wonder what this feeling that bubbles in my chest is.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want to go home.” she continues.
I look at the blank phone.
I answer. “Me either.”
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The afternoon came and went and before long, it was late evening. After an enjoyable day out with Minami, walking by the river, clothes shopping, having later lunch, it was all too much fun. However, all good things have to come to an end, so after bidding farewell, I entered a taxi to get home. Even if I didn’t want to, if I am going to overcome this issue in our relationship, I am going to have to face Yuko some time. Especially since I made the decision myself to give her another chance, even if it was extremely difficult.
When I open the door, I immediately see Yuko sitting at the kitchen counter top, her profile still as defined as beautiful as ever. She turns to me and I almost gasp when I see her face. Dark rings circle underneath her eyes, as if she hadn’t slept for days, and red lines run map her eyes, as if she had cried for hours.
“Haruna. We need to talk.” she croaks. “Please.”
Yuko speaks to me so gently, as if she were touching something fragile, as if I would break. However, I wasn’t someone who would crack that easily. How can you break something that’s already been shattered? Yet, it seemed like she was the one that was going to collapse, so at least I should hear her out. At least I owe her that.
I lean against the back of the sofa in front of Yuko while she sits on the counter chair, her back straight and her trembling hands in her lap. I wonder what is it she going to say. She takes a deep breath, like someone who was just about to blow a secret. What else could Yuko have possibly kept from me?
“Today, after rehearsals, I went to the drama set.”
I nod, knowing this.
“And there, while I was getting ready...”
I can tell she is quite distraught and I wonder what happened. I hope she didn’t get hurt. Instinctively, I reach out my hand and place it on Yuko’s. I feel her familiar and comforting warmth, her smooth skin, as well as the slight tremors of nervousness run through me. What on earth happened?
Yuko breathes again but this time it looks like she’s calmed down.
“I was getting ready in my changing room and Hayami…”
As soon as Hayami’s name is mentioned, my ears perk by themselves. I gaze at Yuko with sudden intensity, concentration replacing the initial concern. She gulped and I could feel the pressure between us.
“He came in my room and… grabbed me and-”
I immediately draw my hand back as if I had been burnt. I feel my face contort with disbelief and disgust. I feel myself retreat, shaking my head, unable to accept this reality.
“You’re telling me he touched you again?” I exclaim.
Pure rage fills me to the brim. My patience has snapped. This is unbelievable. Outrageous. I actually can’t believe it. How could this happen?
“You let him do it again?”
How could she do this to me again? How can she let him touch her again? I thought Yuko told him she wasn’t interested. Did he not listen or did Yuko do something to invite him? He has no right to touch Yuko, but she has no right to allow his advances. I knew this would happen. I knew he wasn’t any good. But how can Yuko… I just can’t.
It looks like she is about to retort but I don’t let her. I don’t want her to continue. I’ve had enough of it. Her words only cause me hurt and I’ve taken enough hits.
“Do you know how I feel?” I cry.
“Haruna please-”
“I can’t take this anymore.”
“Just listen-”
She reaches out to me but I snap back, retreating again.
“Every time I imagine that guy kissing you, I feel sick to my stomach, so much that sometimes I can’t even look at you.”
A hush falls and only the sounds of our rigid breathing can be heard. Incapable of words and frozen in place, I stare at Yuko with my tear-filled eyes and she stares back with a wide-blank gaze, one that is of shock and then finally, acceptance. I was wrong. A broken heart can be shattered twice. I was just stupid enough to try to fix it in the first place.
Yuko looks at me with those defeated eyes and I stare back with animosity.
“So what do you want to do?” she quietly asks.
“I don’t know.”
She takes a step forward and I feel myself shrink away. When I look up, I can see she’s hurt by it but Yuko has pained me more than everyone else who has, added all together.
“Didn’t you say that you still wanted to continue? Do you not love me anymore?” Yuko beseeches, her voice cracking desperately at the end, making me bite my lip with resistance. I just can’t look at her. “Tell me Haruna, is that it? You don’t love me?”
“I…”
I could never say that I don’t love Yuko. But how can I turn this hate that I feel into love? There is no way I can just set it aside. I was a fool for doing it once already. How can I do it again? I’ve lost too much strength to fight anymore.
So, to answer Yuko’s question, I just mutter:
“I don’t know.”
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I watched as Haruna entered the taxi and quickly disappeared from my sight. We had a wonderfully fun day together, while everyone around us rushed around, we slowly enjoyed each other’s company as if we were the only people. But all good things come to an end. I knew I had to return home at some time, and that time was now. Dreading the upcoming silent dinner, I wondered if I should just eat now before returning home. However, I know that we have to jump over this hurdle and finally have the talk that is much needed. How was I going to express how I feel when I’m not even willing to sit at the same table as my girlfriend? So, getting into my own taxi, I head to our apartment.
As I stare out of the window, my eyes glazing over the blurred outside, looking but not thinking about the darkness lit by the many colourful lights, I think about when I first knew I liked Atsuko far more than just a friend.
When I first knew I was in love with Atsuko, it was when I easily became jealous. I envied the morning sun, who was the first to see Atsuko and the glass of orange glass, who got to kiss her sleepy lips awake. Fire burned within my chest when I saw her touch others and she allowed others to touch her. I felt possessive and it scared me. It was a quality that I didn’t want to have and Atsuko was the one who created it. I blamed her for making me feel that way; even though it these emotions were probably already buried beneath my heart and she had only catalysed the effects. Even so, Atsuko was mine, and mine alone. When it was time, I realised I was not the only one that was jealous. I was Atsuko’s possession and I revelled in being hers alone.
Suddenly I realise, a eureka moment, that that was it. Atsuko was jealous. And I was too blind to notice it.
I realise that she wasn’t frustrated that I cared for others, or that I invited Haruna to the dinner, it was the fact that she wanted me to herself. Like when Atsuko invites me to dinner parties with her cast-mates, I accept but I hide the fact that I want to decline for the both of us so only Atsuko’s attention is focussed on only me. I desired what she wanted. Some may think that possession is something that is dangerous and degrading but they are the ones that don’t know what it means to be oneself because of the other’s existence. How knowing that you belong to someone else, that they depend and carry you, can lift your own esteem. How belonging to someone can emphasise your very own entity, solidify your existence. Even when you leave, you know you can return and they will be the beacon that safely guides you home. That’s how I feel when I’m with Atsuko and what I think she feels about me.
And I’ve neglected her. After so much time of comfort, I forgot about this scorching feeling. How could I be this foolish?
I have to tell her. I have to let Atsuko know that she is the one I truly care for and no one else can ever compare.
When arrive home, I open the door, anticipation in my heart. However, instead of the light I expected, there is a darkness from neglect. Atsuko hasn’t come home yet. I check my phone and my insides jump. I see one new message. It’s from Atsuko. I quickly click to open it.
I won’t be coming home until late. Having a meal with Mizuki. Have dinner without me.
Atsuko
A pang of pain resonates in my chest.
Mizuki? Wasn’t she Atsuko’s colleague? I remember seeing her in some episodes of Atsuko’s drama. She was Atsuko’s love-interest’s sister. Why was she having dinner with her? With someone I’ve never met?
Fiery envy quickly reels its ugly head and sudden bitterness envelops me. She would rather spend time with this Mizuki, rather than me? Just as quickly as the jealousy developed, sadness wraps around it, created a despairing swirl inside my body. In a flash, I am about to call Atsuko to rant, but then I stop. Was it really just me that felt this selfish attribute? Did I rely on Atsuko feeling the same way far too much? Did we truly understand each other?
As this doubt fed on me, my hand limply falls with defeat. I shouldn’t call her. Atsuko is still angry at me. I’ll wait until she comes home. At least then, I can explain everything.
Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll sit on this very couch, which was my bed for the previous night, and wait with expectation. I hope Atsuko comes home soon.
A/N:
- I am expecting some heated comments from this chapter lol
- Love is patient, love is kind, etc. is from the quote by Corinthians
- When they talk about Takamina eating the spicy ramen, I’m talking about this moment (http://melon-lover.tumblr.com/post/40061563707/takamina-eats-the-universes-spiciest-ramen)
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Oh.. I miss your last update...
so I enjoyed reading this two updates instead...
AH... so Atsuko has very interesting past with Mizuki...
Both Minami and Atsuko are possessive over each other...
Why did Atsuko want to have dinner with Mizuki...?
I thought she broke and betrayed her friendship with Mizuki over her sister safety...
Would Mizuki take revenge on Atsuko?
Ah.. Poor Yuki for nearly being raped by Hayami-san...
Why did Haruna jealous over that....?
She should be concerned about Yuko safety than making Yuko even more sad...
What's going to happen next to Atsumina and KojiYuu?
Can't wait to find out
Thank you for the update
:twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs
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Did Atsuko and Mizuki make up with each other already or that was just an excuse? I smell cheating on the way.
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Someone will most definitely cheat.
The question is who is it gonna be?
It'd be better for them to just break up, before the cheating happens.
Minami is lonely and Atsuko is jealous over Haruna, while Haruna doesn't know whether she still loves Yuko or not, and Yuko has Hayami who keeps messing up her relationship with Haruna.
If they don't clear things up it will be over for both of the relationships!
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pity yuko
haruna if you don't love yuko anymore so let's break up
and realize your love to minami then
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YESSS! NEW CHAPTER!! :cow: :cow:
It´s so dramatic! but i like it!
Yuko and Haruna... them relation ... could be restored?
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@ cisda83 : This should hopefully answer some of your questions XD
@ Tanchan : Maybe... ;)
@ TakaminaBG : Very true. Misunderstandings, left alone, can cause unnecessary hurt for both sides. Hopefully they will sort it out... :P
@ ptrd3009 : TakaHaru shipper? :lol:
@ Minami-chan : Glad to like the drama because there's definitely going to be more on the way :D
HELLO EVERYONE AND HAPPY 2014! Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas and New Years.
Finally it's time for my update which took way too long to complete, I'm sure all of you will agree with. I apologise for that but I shall move on because it seems late updates have been my thing since last year. However, I have made new revolutions with myself which hopefully will cause faster updates, but I don't want to promise anything.
For now, I'll just say thank you everyone for the likes and comments and hope you'll enjoy this chapter. Feel free to drop your likes and comments :twothumbs
16 – Friends and Fame
I wring my hands as I wait for Haruna to come home. I am still shaken from what happened in the changing rooms. I lost count on the amount of times I looked over my shoulder as I headed straight into the taxi, even asking for the driver to go the long way to make sure I wasn’t being followed. Then, I ran home, ready to jump into Haruna’s arms even if they weren’t open. However, I couldn’t even attempt this because she wasn’t even there and she wasn’t answering my calls. All I wanted to be with her, but she wasn’t there. All I could do was wait and thoroughly wish for Haruna to return quickly from wherever she went.
My tears have long since stopped but my skin still feels dirty. After a burning shower, my skin is red raw and my face is sensitive to touch, but I still feel his hands on me. I stare at the mirror, my reflection looking nothing like myself. The bags under my eyes are deep and dark, while the frown is frightening and the eyes are dull. I would wonder who that tired and scared looking girl was, if I didn’t already know it was me.
I nervously sit at the kitchen counter, running my fingertips over the smooth surface, thinking it was what Haruna’s felt. I’ve forgotten what she feels like. It’s been that long since I’ve touched her. She was right all along. About him. About everything. If only I listened to her.
When I hear the door unlock I can’t turn to the door. A sudden shame catches me and I can’t bear to face her. However, out of the corner of my eye, as Haruna walks in, I already know she’s had a good day. I bet she was with Mariko or Minami. That lingering smile makes me boil with jealousy. But like all other times, I subdue it because it’s misplaced and I have more pressing matters. Haruna notices me sitting on at the counter and I see the surprised expression. I know I look awful.
“Haruna.” I croak, my voice damaged from all the crying. “We need to talk. Please.”
After everything that has happened, Haruna looks concerned. I had wanted this, for her to show some sign of care for me, but I wish there wasn’t anything to actually be concerned about. She leans back against the sofa, watching me as I try to gather my courage to speak. I wonder how Haruna would react. Would she instantly throw a furious tantrum and demand Hayami’s blood or sob for the pain I’ve been through? Either way, I want to tell her because I don’t think I could handle this.
“Today, after rehearsals, I went to the drama set.” I say, which she nods to. “And there, while I was getting ready…”
The images of what happened just over an hour ago flash through my mind, making me experience the terrifying sensation all over again. It makes me want to curl up in a ball. Suddenly, I feel Haruna’s hand over mine. A rush of warmth and comfort runs through me. So this is what it felt like. I’ve longed for this so much; I hope she doesn’t move from me. I want her to keep running her thumb over my skin, sending sparks to the tips of my hair, making my scalp tingle. I take deep breaths because this, and Haruna, calms me. I need to do this. I need to get it out. Just spit it out Yuko.
“I was getting ready in my changing room and Hayami… He came in my room… and grabbed me and-“
I felt Haruna’s hand snap back and I look up. I am shocked to see Haruna’s utterly disgusted face. I didn’t think her reaction was really going to be this strong.
“You’re telling me he touched you again?” she exclaims.
I know it’s not really the right feeling, but I somewhat feel glad for her reaction. At last I know she’s finally going to support me.
“You let him do it again?”
…What?
I am just astounded. What is Haruna saying? I am about to retort but Haruna is quicker.
“Do you know how I feel?” she snaps, un-benevolent to my bursting feelings.
“Haruna please-“
“I can’t take this anymore.”
“Just listen.” I plead.
I want to yell at her to stop, for her to listen to me. How I just want her to believe me. However, her next words stop me.
“Every time I imagine that guy kissing you, I feel sick to my stomach, so much that sometimes I can’t even look at you.”
Shock immobilises me. I make Haruna sick? A despair that I have never felt makes my stomach turn, myself feeling nausea from Haruna’s harsh words. It burns and stirs within me creating a mix of bitterness and pain in my heart. I love her so much but why does she keep doing this to me? The constant mistrust and the instant doubt, I can barely take anymore. I’m too sad to even defend myself anymore. After all, Haruna knows all.
Perhaps deep down, I already know nothing can be done. Maybe, I have given up. Instantly tears fill my tired eyes, even though I had thought I was all cried out.
“So what do you want to do?” I quietly ask.
Haruna’s face relaxes, but only because she is looking away from me.
“I don’t know.”
Her reply makes me frustrated. I take a step forward but when I do, she is like a autumn leaf, crinkling and shrinking into herself. When Haruna looks up, I am struck by how hurt she looks. However, I’m no longer sympathetic. I am in far more pain.
“Didn’t you say that you still wanted to continue? Do you not love me anymore?” I say, when I truly mean to say is don’t hate me. “Tell me Haruna, is that it? You don’t love me?”
“I…”
Haruna’s hesitation is so painful I feel like I’m dying. My face contorts as I try to hold back my tears. I grit my teeth and inhale deeply, when I hear Haruna’s ultimate reply.
“I don’t know.”
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When the tide of my past memories finally subsides, I am able to stand. It’s late and I should go home. I’m hungry and tired and all I want to do is have a relaxing dinner. And if Minami is home, maybe I’ll ask her to join me…
I open the door to leave but I jump when I see someone standing outside the set. I realise it’s only Mizuki. She is standing there, as if waiting for someone. With her easy posture, her back leaning against the wall, I notice Mizuki really has changed. From the small dumpy, cute girl, she is now a taller, slimmer mature young woman. Both versions equally beautiful. However, I cannot say that for their personalities. I would pick the past Mizuki over the present one any day.
“I thought you went home.” I say, just as I am about to pass. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow."
However, she suddenly steps in front of me. “I want to talk.” she replies. “Let’s go to dinner.”
I am shocked. How can this woman be the same girl that had so nervously asked me to lunch when we were mere girls? I must have still been dazed because I find myself agreeing without thinking.
About twenty minutes in a taxi, about the same amount of times my stomach had growled, we arrive at a restaurant. I don’t even know what type of cuisine it is and I don’t care, as long as it is nice and filling. Thankfully we are seated within five minutes - being a celebrity does come in handy sometimes - and I quickly began scanning the menu, to find it to be Italian. One of my favourite cuisines. It doesn’t take long before I decide to have carbonara pasta with a side of cheesy garlic bread. Luckily Mizuki is as quick to order as I am and before we know it, I am ravaging on a delicious steaming hot meal. As my stomach is no longer crying to be fed, I finally realise in all that time Mizuki and I had not exchanged a single word. For the first time since eating, I find it hard to swallow my food. Awkwardly, I gulp down the pasta in my mouth and lightly sip at my apple juice before summoning the courage to talk.
“So, what made you decide to want to have dinner with me?” I ask.
“Curiosity.” she simply answers.
Again I am surprised. Since opening the door, the past has been constantly creeping up on me, asking me to compare it to the present. How can she act so cool? What happened to the skittish Mizu-chan?
Suddenly, Mizuki puts down her fork and at last looks at me. Again, I am unable to read what she is thinking, her face shows nothing. It is a shield rather than the window to her true feelings. I am forced to realise that the past Mizu-chan is gone and instead Mizuki is someone I have to deal with. As they say, the past is history. Just think of the present, the now.
“Was what you said earlier… true?”
I stare at Mizuki and for the first time I feel like I’m really looking at her. What pain, what resentment, she must have gone through to completely transform her into this confident, cold and brash person. However, not only that; she is far more vulnerable than anyone I’ve ever met. Her pretence of strength, even during her weakest moments, could probably compete with Minami’s. I wonder what she is feeling right now. I acknowledge that curiosity is the correct answer for our situation.
“Would I have said it if it weren’t?” I answer.
“How would I know? You’re an actress.”
“What has that got to do with anything?”
“You’re a professional liar.”
Again, Mizuki momentarily stuns me.
“It’s true.” I say.
Mizuki gazes at me, like she’s deciding my fate, before she nods and returns to her dinner. We fall into another silence. However, this time it seems the tension has gone between us. I don’t put much faith in this temporary ceasefire because I know Mizuki must not have completely forgiven me. However, it is nice to have a rather comfortable dinner with an old friend. I find myself smiling as I taste again the delicious pasta.
“So are you nervous for tomorrow?” Mizuki suddenly inquires, like a normal companion.
“Tomorrow?”
“Are you an idiot?” Mizuki exclaims, making me raise my brow with incredulity. “The announcement for the Jemmy Awards is tomorrow. But knowing the entertainment business, our managers will probably know before we do.”
My mouth automatically drops open. I had completely forgotten. Japanese Drama Awards, also known as the Jemmy’s. Japan’s most prestigious and famous award ceremony revolving around Japan’s best dramas of the year. Tomorrow morning would be the televised announcement of the nominees, and then in a month's time, at the end of the year, it would be the live showing of the award ceremony. Even though our drama ‘How Long Does Love Last’ is still being filmed, it is eligible to be nominated as it has been running for two months, with less than half of the episodes to be filmed. In my head I think that the drama will be nominated for the romance category, showing my support even though no one can hear me, but as for myself I don’t let my hopes get too high. Even though it’s not my first time as a lead actress, and though my skills have improved, there are so many better actresses.
All of a sudden, Mizuki’s phone rings. She excuses herself from the table. In that time, I decide to check my mobile. No messages. I swallow down the disappointment. I shouldn’t let it bother me. But it does. Inhaling, I just type my text.
I won’t be coming home until late. Having a meal with Mizuki. Have dinner without me.
Atsuko
Before I could even think about how cold I might have sounded, I had already sent the message. I sigh and just allow myself to not wait too desperately for a reply that probably won’t come.
Closing my phone, I simply eat my dinner, waiting for Mizuki to return.
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I sit on the bed edge, remaining in the same position since I retreated into the room. It isn’t until two hours later, since our confrontation, did Haruna reappear in the bedroom. It’s obvious I’ve been crying but Haruna doesn’t say anything. I see that she red pupils showing that she also has been crying but I too don’t say a word. Instead, we just allow the heavy silence crush us. At least we would die together.
“I’m going to stay at Mii-chan’s.” I finally say.
I watch her for a reaction but Haruna does nothing. Again I have the rapid and vicious thought flash through my mind.
You didn’t even try to save me.
It is spiteful but at the same time, I know deep down it was true.
“I think it’s for the best.” I add, knowing that surely I will turn horrible. “At least for now.”
Haruna nods, agreeing that it’s the suitable action. Then, Haruna slips back into the living room. I heave a heavy, heavy sigh. Even though I’ve done nothing wrong, I’m the one that is leaving. However, I guess it’s for the best. I know if I stay, I’ll probably say something that is malicious, untrue and I would deeply regret.
I heave my rucksack onto my back, but it is light compared to my disappointment. My despair is much heavier than any weight my body has ever carried. When I walk into the living room, Haruna is still sitting on the sofa. Her face is desolate of any emotion except from sadness, much like my heart is empty of any compassion. I just want to leave. However, I can’t restrain myself from giving her one more chance.
“I’m leaving.” I say.
She looks at me and I see the flicker of unease. She looks as if she about to say something but she can’t. Haruna just stares until I force myself to break away with the vision of her tears still in my mind. I bite my lip to muffle the sob that threatens to escape. I go the door and finally close it behind me. Haruna was at the door and all she had to do was push it open to reach it. But now it was too late. My heart is closed and locked and she lost the key.
It doesn’t take me long to get to where I wanted to go. I just hope she’s home. I knock on the door I instantly hear shuffling from behind the door.
“Who is it?” she calls.
“It’s me.”
Instantly the door flies open and Minegishi Minami gazes at me with shock, a piece of dried squid still dangling from her mouth.
“Is it okay… if I stay the night?”
It was one hour before I gathered the courage to tell Mii-chan what happened. It took another hour for me to finish. Mii-chan sat in silence, listening to every word I said. Her reactions were so animated, as if she were watching a film. However, I appreciated her attention. It was the most anyone had given me for a while.
“Mii-chan, what do I do?” I mutter.
“First you have to tell the director. Or at least your manager. I know it will be difficult and it's going to be a tough road ahead but everyone will support you. He deserves everything he's going to get. We can't let him get away with it. And..."
I instantly know why Mii-chan hesitates. "Go on." I say.
"You have to tell her.” Mii-chan says exasperatedly. "Haruna has to know. Do you want her to view you in that way?”
“Of course I don’t. But she won’t listen. She never listens to me anymore.”
“You just have to talk until she does listen. You know Haruna; she’s a ditsy girl who doesn’t get anything unless it’s all laid clearly on a table in front of her.”
Mii-chan looks at me and I know must have a depressive expression because she hugs me for a moment. She must feel really sorry for us, for me.
“Just give her another chance.” she says, supporting me with a smile.
I want to agree because that option is most tempting. However, every time I give her a chance, the more disappointed I am at the result. She used to be the one who was always by my side. Now she is someone who I can’t hold on to. And yet, I can’t let go.
Suddenly my phone rings and I jump. Before I can stop myself, I answer it with a pounding heart.
“Hello?” I hesitantly say.
“Yuko!”
My heart instantly drops when I hear my manager’s voice.
“What do you want?” I almost snap.
“Have you forgotten?”
“What?”
“The Jemmy Awards!”
I turn to Mii-chan with wide eyes while she looks at me with confusion. So much has happened that I had completely forgotten about the nominee announcement for the annual Jemmy Awards. If my manager is calling it must mean our drama ‘Forever Love’ has been nominated for Best Daytime Drama or…
“You’ve been nominated for Best Supporting Actress!”
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The taxi drops me off in front of our house - different from Haruna’s apartment - and I step out. I don't even feel the winter coldness because I am content. The dinner with Mizuki finished much like the actual event, calmly. It turns out Mizuki was nominated for Best Supporting Actress and surprisingly I had sincerely congratulated her. And like I thought, I didn’t receive a call from my manager or from Minami. It was expected. But I know which upset me the most.
When I open the door, it is dark like I knew it would be. Even though I hoped Minami would have been awake, it was late and knowing Minami’s schedule, she would be tired. When I look, again it’s what I expect. Minami is already asleep on the couch. Everything is meeting my expectations so why do I still feel surprisingly disappointed.
Suddenly my phone rings. I quickly rummage through my bag, see it’s my manager, and quickly answer it. I glance at the sofa and see that Minami has unmoved. Rather relieved, I go to the bedroom.
“Hello?”
“Acchan, I have great news.” my manager quickly says.
“What is it?”
“I received a massive tip.”
He loves to leave me hanging. “And?”
“You’ve been nominated!”
“Nominated?”
“For a Jemmy! You’re one of nominees for Best Leading Drama Actress.”
My hand cups over my mouth to stop the squeal of surprise and delight.
“Really?” I gasp.
“Yes! Congratulations Acchan!” he cheers, popping what sounds like champagne, even though he lives by himself. “Okay, I’ll let you sleep since I know you have an early shoot tomorrow and I’ll see you later. And again, well done!”
“Okay. Thank you and goodnight.”
I close my phone and hold it against my pounding heart. I wonder if I had held it then, would my manager have heard my excitement. I can’t believe it. It seems out of my expectations, there was a surprise. I’m so happy that I need to tell someone. Like my manager, I wish to celebrate. It’s too late to call anyone but I could tell one person. I walk out of the bedroom, around the sofa and look down at Minami. She is still asleep. I stare at her sleeping face and my heart flutters. Not because of the excitement or nervousness from the nomination announcement but because it is one of the moments that I find Minami absolutely adorable.
I wonder if I should wake her, but what would I say. How was your day? Would you like to sleep next to me? I missed you? Too casual compared to the true conversation we need to have. And it is too late for something so heavy. For both of us. However, I think maybe it is time for us to talk. I reach out my hand to touch her, but suddenly she makes a sound between a grunt, sniff and snore, and then she rolls over to have her back to me. I cup my mouth but this time to stiffle my laughter. She really can be cute. I just want to jump on her and hold her against me. This urge overwhelms me and even I am overtaken by it. However, I compose myself.
In the end, I just leave Minami to sleep. She’s probably tired.
When I enter the bed, I cannot sleep even though my eyelids are heavy. One of the reasons is because my heart is too unsteady and my head is filled by who I am against, who else of the drama has been nominated, and many more awakening thoughts. But when I stare at the empty side of the bed, I know what the main reason is.
I wonder, if Minami was beside me, what I would tell her. Would she congratulate me? Would she hold me? Would she kiss me? Beside myself, I smile at that thought. I reach over and lightly stroke the cold covers, reliving the way I would tickle Minami’s glowing skin, feeling her back quiver under my feathery touches, remembering the times where even though we were two bodies, our minds, hearts and souls were one. It’s a wonderful memory and I can’t help breathing a sigh of longing.
Finally, I close my eyes and hope my dreams are as nice as my memories.
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oh my gosh kojiyuu is getting worse :banghead: :banghead:
please fix it already pleaseeee :bow: :bow: :(
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:twothumbs thx for update author-san....
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Yeah.. an update... a long one at that....
Ah... Kojiyuu relationship....????
Yeah... Atsuko is being nominated
What's going to happen to Atsumina?
What about Mizuki?
Can't wait to find out what's going to happen next
Thank you for the update
:twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs
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The relationship between Haruna and Yuko is getting worse....
Too bad Haruna didn't listen to Yuko's explanation.... If they end their relationship it'd be because of Haruna's failure to recognize Yuko's true and honest feelings.
And i don't think you can call Atsuko and Minami's relationship.. well... a relationship at all. They look like roommates with no particular deep conection.. and that;s is because Atsuko is neglecting Minami.
And now how will the friendship between Haruna and Minami progress? Will they leave their slowly dying relationships and start something new together?
Can't wait to find out!! Thank you for this update!
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woah.... melon-san. thanks for the update
My kojiyuu :'( I hope they will get better soon >.<
please update soon. i'm curiooouuussss >.<
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this fanfic so.......... :cry: :cry: :cry:
update soon :bow:
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How is this...
Acchan and Yuko both forgot about the awards XD
Acchan gets closer to Mizu-chan (now I'm starting to have doubts if she's a.... b. or not)
Yuko went to one of her confidantes for help, which is Mii-chan... though I don't think that would make a diff much???
Now to wait for the moment when Yuko and Acchan meets in the Jemmy's. ._. (just realized that they haven't met again in the story yet)
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why so difficult for them to say I love you, I miss you, I need you, :gyaaah:
it's so painful for me..... :fainted:
please author san....don't make me like this...
btw, your fic is so interesting make me want to die... :imdead:
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Great as both atsuko yuko are nominated, that's good! since under ... their relationships whenever it going worse.
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Kojiyuu :pleeease:
What will happen? :cool2:
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ouhh God..! I Love this fic....!! :jphip:
kojiyuuuu :cry: :cry:
please update :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:
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It's so complicated, and I love it. Pls update soon author san.
Btw, i'm newbie here :cow:
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there is lots of conflict in this story
and sad moment :(
i wonder how its will be going in the end :?
hope u will update its soon XD
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Drama, drama, drama! To much drama!!! XD
u know, at first I was looking for a story with a lot of drama because I love a story full of sad, hurt feelings and then a happy ending.
But your story is even too much for me ^^!
They are all sad... that's why I'm also sad... ;_;
but enough be a emo! XD
your story is really great! I'm looking forward to see from you again!
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It's ... it's .... it's just amazing! With each new chapter of the number of versions "who to whom changed" increases. I want to know the truth soon. Very sorry that the author has not updated for a long time this story.
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@ Tam_atsu : I knoooow, KojiYuu is going through so much atm. But you know what they say, you have to climb the mountain before you can see the sunrise (I just made that up lol)
@ ifzhaa : Thanks for reading :twothumbs
@ cisda83 : So many questions and so many upcoming answers. Stay tuned to find out ;)
@ TakaminaBG : Yes, if only Haruna did listen but due to her character she chose not to and has deeply affected the KojiYuu dynamics. And yes, AtsuMina has now turned to roommates, and the type which don't even talk to each other and just manage to live together. While TakaHaru, their relationship is as stable as ever in comparison. Let's see how they turn out ;)
@ amachan48 : Fingers crossed they get better!
@ Akira ryusen sora : Updated! :P
@ AshuraX : I would like to think that one day Atsuko and Yuko will be recognised for their talent :D And yeah, I actually just realised that Yuko and Atsuko haven't met :lol: But I guess due to their separate schedules, with Yuko also still being in AKB, there has been little time for them to meet which is kind of sad.
@ love angel : "I love you, I miss you, I need you."... why does it sound like lyrics that's I've heard before? XD I'm sorry but not sorry, I'm glad my fic is making you feel all the emotions, even if they are bad :P
@ Minami-chan : For sure, finally something good has happened for them. Now, if only they could share it with their loved ones....
@ KaoriChan : Who knoooows~ apart from me keke
@ imjovanka : And I love you for loving my fic :inlove:
@ ubulubulbilu : Hello there and welcome! I'm glad you love the drama, and hope I can provide you more :D
@ takeshi77 : Angst is really a difficult genre to read isn't it? If only their suffering will end soon but I'm not going to let it, at least for now, mwahahahaha
@ iLeo221 : LOL! There is no such thing as too much drama XD
@ Drakon : Oh thank you, I made it different POV's each chapter so you can get the full amount of detail each character is dealing with and as a reader, you can decide who to support (and receive quadruple the amount of angst and drama XD) And sorry againuoong, but hopefully this chapter answers some questions for you :)
Ohhhh Myyyyy Gooooosh!!! I'm so sorry everyone! It's been way to long to updated and I don't want to bore everyone with all the details as of why I haven't done so. The important thing is that I have now and I've fallen in love with writing again so hopefully will be able to update more frequently, but I won't promise anything
Anyways, thank you all for the comments, and seeing as jphip has been updated, I don't know who liked the chapter, but thanks anyway :D
To those that haven't abandoned me (although I deserve since I'm shamefully left for so long), hope you all enjoy, like and comment~
17 – The Unspoken Announcement
I don’t know how long Yuko has been in our room for, but a part of me wants her to stay in there forever, while another part of me wants to join her. One half hates her for what she’s done to us, how she could have thrown our love selfishly aside. The other half wants to demand if it was something I did to drive her to another person’s arms, to make her love me again. Once, Yuko was the one person who made me the happiest person in the universe. How can I stay close to someone who used to make me feel glad to be alive, when all I want to do now is kill them?
I’m not sure what I want, but I know that I feel truly empty because, even though parts of me are colliding, Yuko has taken my entirety away.
It takes all my power to lift my body to its feet. It takes even more resolve for me to go into our bedroom. As soon as I enter the doorway, I see Yuko sitting on her bed, her shoulders slumped and back hunched over. With the little light, I see the shimmer of tears on her cheeks. Immediately, my willpower that took so long to build crumbles at my feet. It would just take one word for me to run over and take Yuko into my arms, to feel her body pressed into me. A rush of longing runs through me. Just a few steps and I could do just that.
“I’m going to stay at Mii-chan’s.”
A sharp pain spreads through my chest. If I wasn’t already in a state of disbelief, I am now. Does this mean Yuko is running away? Even though I want to talk, discuss our current feelings, dealing with my confusion and the situation, I can’t bring myself to open my mouth. I am already too mortified by her betrayal, disloyalty and her cowardly acts. I begin to ask myself if this really is the same person I fell in love with. Is she really the Oshima Yuko I once had known?
Yuko faces me and all I can do is mask my true feelings.
“I think it’s for the best.” she quietly mumbles.
Perhaps space is really what we need because I know if we stay within close proximities, I will eventually release my full anger. Even I know I can be hot-headed, so perhaps this time will help me put things into perspective. There must have been a reason as to why Yuko kissed Hayami, again at that. This period of time will allow me to remove my emotions and focus on the bigger picture.
So, I nod, agreeing with Yuko’s proposal even if part of me almost wants to beg for her to stay. However, this conflicting feeling only reinforces the fact that I need to stay away. At least for the moment.
Yet, as soon as I turn to go back to the living room, I hear Yuko’s heavy sigh and I’m just about turn around. My resolve cracks again, but I have to walk away because I know if I stay, I can only be hurt. I know it’s selfish, but self-preservation is a selfish act. And my heart can only take so much. So, even when I hear Yuko begin to pack away her things, I remain rooted on the sofa.
This is it. This is the beginning of recovering our relationship. With this time apart, I’m sure we’ll be able to put things into perspective and realise how much we mean to each other.
Yet, why do I feel like this is the end?
When Yuko comes from the room, I can’t bear to look at her. I know if I do, I would break and that’s just something I can’t do. It’s for the best, for the both of us. I feel her linger, looking at me, but I can’t do it. I can’t look at her. Even though it burns, I know this pain is something I have to bear.
“I’m leaving.” Yuko says.
Before I can stop myself, I feel my head turn to her. My gaze catches hers and I feel my chest aching. My eyes feel sore and dry, but again I feel like crying. The image of Yuko, with her rucksack, leaving, was the last image I would have pictured in our future. Yet, here she was, leaving me behind. My mouth can’t help but open, about to spew thoughtless words in order for Yuko to stay. However, I swallow them because it is what we need. I just have to remind myself it isn’t forever. It’s just a break. Nothing more.
However, we stare at each other for a few more moments. Sadly, it’s probably the most time we’ve actually just looked at each other in months. How different it was to the times when we first started dating, where we would simply look at each other from across the table, dwelling in each other’s company. Yuko is the first to break our contact. It’s just as painful as her leaving but I force my body to remain still, instead of running up to embrace her. Finally, she leaves and closes the door behind her.
It takes a few minutes before I turn away from the door. I switch on the TV to fill the scarily empty space and to preoccupy my whirling mind. The noise does nothing but cover the sounds of my quiet sobs.
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When I wake up, it’s early afternoon. It’s the latest I’ve ever slept until. The ongoing stress and the frequent late nights must have finally taken a toll on my body. Thankfully it’s a Sunday and my schedule only involved a late shooting for the show I host.
From the open bedroom door, I know Atsuko’s already gone to work. So much for conversation. As I rub the crookedness from my neck, I turn on the television. I start my daily routine – at least from when I can - when I hear the entertainment news.
“So what do you think of this morning’s results?”
“Well I didn’t expect any much difference. However, it would be a lie to say I wasn’t surprised to have two former AKB members to be nominated.”
“Yes it definitely was unexpected to hear both Oshima Yuko and Maeda Atsuko to be nominated.”
I jump when I hear Atsuko’s name, my teeth sinking painfully into my toothbrush. Running out, I watch the remaining news.
“Oshima Yuko for the Best Supporting Actress and Maeda Atsuko for Best Leading Actress in a drama series. It will be interesting to see how it turns out. And in only a week no less. Let’s hope for the best for them.”
As the two go on to discuss the other nominees, I sit on the sofa. Even though the toothpaste is drying around my mouth and burning on the tip of my tongue, I can only think of two things.
Atsuko was nominated? How come she never told me?
Because you guys are fighting.
That’s right. Of course she wouldn’t have told me. We haven’t seen each other properly, so how would she have told me. Has it really only been two days since I’ve spoken to Atsuko? It feels like a lifetime. I’ve only gotten up, but already I want to lie back down.
Even though it was expected, I was still hurt. I know how the entertainment world works, and I am certain that Atsuko would have heard about the nomination last night. Couldn’t she have woken me up and told me? She used to wake me up at 4am just to tell me about her dream. I can’t even imagine the look of excitement Atsuko might have worn, her exclaim of disbelief, the sparkle of passion in her eyes.
I bite down on my toothbrush again, but this time voluntarily. It’s so frustrating. I just want to lie in my own bed, pray for emptiness. I don’t want to think or feel anymore. This ache is too much. I just want to sleep, become numb, until it was all over. However, it isn’t going to be over until one of us makes a move. A move that we are both reluctant to make. Yet, deep down, we know that we have to for our relationship. However, I don’t either of us even know when to begin.
Finally heading back to the bathroom, I spit out the white paste, wash my mouth of my own bitterness, and wipe my face. I stare my reflection, my uneasy eyes gazing back at me. Like Atsuko – and many others – said, I make a great leader. I am not modest enough to deny that. Yet, why was it that I can make inspiring speeches, but couldn’t say a single word to the person who’s supposed to be the love of my life. Why was Atsuko the one person I couldn’t communicate with? Why is it, that even though I want to do something, I just can’t? Why is it, that I’m even asking these questions in the first place?
Ever since that argument, I feel like I’m only taking wrong turns. Maybe we are just both introverts when it came to each other or both betas desiring to be the alpha, so leaving things unspoken due to pride and stubbornness. Considering how long it took us to form a relationship, it’s no wonder I find it difficult to speak. It’s still fragile. However, there is no mistaking; I love Atsuko to the deepest parts of me. That’s probably why these two days have hurt so much.
We have been together for nearly 11 months now, and it was nearing our one year anniversary. New Year’s Day. A mile stone is about to appear and I can’t help but think one of us is going to slip.
However, I won’t let it happen. Suddenly, last night’s determination fills me. I find my reflection smiling at me. Tonight. Tonight I will finally speak to Atsuko.
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When I wake, it is to the sound of the recapped announcement of the Jemmy Awards. There’s a crick in my neck from falling asleep on the couch and my body feels itchy from falling asleep in clothes other than my pyjamas. It’s late afternoon already. Crying really does take a toll on the body. However, as an avid follower of dramas, I watch and listen carefully. I can’t believe I missed the live announcement. But then again, considering what happened yesterday, who could blame me.
I see Acchan’s face appear on the screen and for a moment I feel happiness. Finally, Acchan is being recognised. I’m so proud of her. I need to make sure to congratulate her. As time passes, other names and faces fly by and I am about to get up, when suddenly Yuko’s face appears. I freeze but then, in a moment, she’s gone. I want to congratulate her. But I can’t. All because we are fighting.
The pain in my chest feels infinite. I miss her. I just miss her so much. So much that it displaces my feelings of anger, guilt and regret. Does Yuko feel as much hurt as I do? Love is when someone else’s happiness is your happiness. So, if my pain is her pain, is that hate?
Maybe I jumped the gun. Surely I should trust Yuko enough to know that she didn’t do anything. From the look on her face, Yuko looked like she had something else to say. And yet, I can’t shake off this heavy feeling of doubt. It’s crushing and I don’t have the strength to free myself from it. Trust is like glass, it can easily be broken but almost impossible to fix. And once it has taken shape again, it’s still not as strong as it once was. If only Yuko could reassure me. But we’re not talking.
If only I were stronger.
Thankfully I don’t have anything scheduled today. I can’t bear to face anyone. Even though I know Yuko wouldn’t be at the theatre due to filming, I don’t think I even have the energy to set foot outside the apartment. Instead I just mindlessly watch the television and wait for everything to subside.
However, of course the day passes slowly. I try to mindlessly carry tasks such as cooking and cleaning, doing my best to keep my mind of Yuko. Yet, my brain connected everything I sensed to a memory of Yuko. It ranged from where Yuko sat eating the cereal I prepared to remembering when we moved in the new sofa and managed to scuff the floor near the front door. I guess I still loved her because when you love someone, thinking of them is like breathing. You do without thinking and you do it all the time.
When it eventually becomes too much, I step outside to the small balcony. I gaze at the quickly darkening sky. Night is beautiful when you’re happy, a vast opening for great possibilities; yet a horrible abyss when you are lonely. This is the time when I miss Yuko the most. When everything is quiet and the silence reminds me that I am not sleeping next to her.
And when the darkness spreads, when I return to the bedroom and I rest my head against the cool pillow, I hope for one thing. It is that I get to sleep quickly because when you sleep, things just don’t seem as bad anymore.
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I sit quietly on the set’s sofa, briefly going through the outline of today’s script. I see the name of our guest – Itaki Mizuki. For some reason, the name sounds familiar but I’m already to nervous to think straight. My co-stars are busily chatting amongst themselves, but I can only smile and give half-hearted reactions. Even though my resolve is unshaken from this morning, the promise with myself still makes me nervous.
I am such a hypocrite. I tell everyone else to keep holding on, that everything is going to be fine, that’s there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, here I was, barely holding on. Fear is something many underestimate, but I think they don’t know what true fear is. It’s the gripping cold that freezes your movements. It’s the horror that everything you choose will end in disaster. It’s the feeling of completely uselessness as you have no control over your life and where you’re going. Fear was something I embraced and fought to conquer. However, at this moment, it was neck and neck.
When Itaki Mizuki arrives, I immediately recognise her. She was the one that is in Atsuko’s drama. Suddenly, something clicks in my head. She is the Mizuki that Atsuko went out to dinner with last night. She was the person that took away the time I should have spent with Atsuko, sorting this whole situation out. Even though this is the first time I met her, I can’t help but feel disgruntled. However, I hate to admit it; she was even prettier in person. Plus, she greeted everyone happily, even going as far to say she admired me. It was definitely a surprise to hear; especially at Itaki Mizuki was the up-and-coming talent to watch out her. She is surprisingly humble, a quality with I appreciate. Perhaps I can let my guard down slightly. Besides, I have something of higher priority.
The director gives the signal that the show is about the start. It begins smoothly, with Mizuki-san starting off great, even though my heart is pummelling against my chest. It’s as if time has slowed since the filming began. The five minutes since we went live, felt like an hour. I am completely on edge, but I put on a strong front. I’ve made a career of putting on a steady face, even when I was trembling inside. Then, I sense my co-host is about to ask the question about the Jemmy’s.
This was it. My statement. From what I am about to say, it may seem like nothing to others. However, to Astuko, it might mean everything.
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finally an update~!! :cow:
well, KojiYuu is going worst and worst... my heart sunk deep to the dark...
glad to have Miichan there, help Yuko sort the things out.
AtsuMina in a big gap to.. wondering when will they make it up, both KojiYuu and Atsumina :cry:
thankyou melon-san, hope to see the next soon :D
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yeay i've been silent reader,
but i cant hold it anymore to make a comment hehehe
i just wanna say, please keep writing & continue this fic melon-lover! :hip smile:
arigatou gozaimashu :bow:
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Finally u update this, but pls put some more dialogue, sometimes it's just too silent. But again, I love ur fanfic very much. Arigatou.
Update it more next time :D
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one of the bests!
All is good about this fanfic, thank you for the update! I didnt happen to see until now.
I always like when the worse happens, and I hope it happens here :D
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Hope you update soon :)
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18 – Untold Scandals
I don’t need to apologise for my feelings. My feelings are rea. I am allowed to feel my feelings. Even if those feelings are nothing but disappointment.
Yet, why do I feel guilty?
Initially, I was so happy to hear about my nomination. However, sitting here as everyone on set talks about the recent announcement, I wonder if Minami had heard the news. I wonder how she reacted. I wonder if she is thinking of me. Again, I realise, only Minami’s opinion truly matters to me.
“Congratulations.”
I look up and see Mizuki in front of me.
“Same to you.” I say.
She takes a seatt next to me and we both silently watch as the staff continues to flock together, tweeting their joy.
“You seem rather excited about your nominations.”
I know she is being sarcastic and I don’t have an answer.
“How did you feel when you heard the nominations?” I ask instead.
“Excited. Scared. Honoured. It’s like; finally, I reached a point in my life where I can be proud of myself. But, I’m terrified at the same time. What if I let myself get carried away, what if this is it? I can’t let my guard down.”
I look at Mizuki. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt that way. Excitedly frightened. Nervous yet impatient, looking forward to the next obstacles and figuring out how to conquer them. When was it that I hit this plateau of passion?
“It just means we need to work harder than before.”
Mizuki turns to me and I see the corner of her lips carefully rise. “You’re right.”
Again silence shrouds us, but it is a comfortable veil. It’s strange to think, truth could so easily bond enemies.
“I’m leaving early.” Mizuki says after a few moments. “I have a show to appear on.”
I flash of jealousy goes through me. I remember the time when I used to frequently be sent love-calls to appear on a variety of programmes. Now, my number has dwindled to about 3 schedules a week. The rest of the time is taken up by filming. I don’t miss being exhausted every day but I enjoyed meeting other people, a change of environment. It's strange, because when I was younger, I used to dread appearing on those shows. But now when I think about it, they were one of the happiest times, the place where I made most memories with my members. Although I love acting, it’s hard being in the same studio for most of my time. That’s probably why I chose to graduate. I’m a bird that has to keep migrating.
Mizuki begins to leave and I find myself calling out her name.
“Mizuki.”
She stops, gazing at me.
“It’s really good to talk to you. I miss it.”
It’s not well lit where we are, but I think I see Mizuki’s cheeks darken with a blush. Her eyes dart down, and before she leaves, she nods. A quiet emotion takes me. It’s a melancholic feeling. It reminds me back of our school days, when Mizuki used to be shy and quiet. I used to be the same. Now, we are all grown up and have reached a place where we can be awarded for our talent and skills. It’s astounding and just a bit nerve-wracking. Time is flying by frighteningly quickly.
Suddenly my thoughts go back to Minami, where most of my memories reside. I met Minami when I was 14, and now at 22, I can’t imagine my life without her. Unlike Mizuki, and unlike many of the people I’ve met along the path called life, there has only been one person who has completely turned my world around. Minami keeps me spinning on my axis, unpredictably making me love her and hate her and everything in between. We’ve shared dreams and thoughts that I have never told anyone else. We are strong in front of others but in front of each other, we cry, letting our faces contort with our pain and anguish. We can be ourselves and there is no worry.
Other memories are foggy to me, but everything with Minami is clear and vivid. Things like songs, sights and notes, which may seem insignificant to others, becomes treasures that I cherish in my heart. In her presence, colours seem brighter, but her absence is more noticeable than anything else. Before, manga did not seem like anything I would like, but when she spoke about each character, each story, it brought it to life. There wasn’t a single boring moment with Minami. Even when we were just sitting silently, each reading manga in silence, it was comfortable, never boring.
First, before anything else, Minami is my best friend. That single person who I could share anything with. It just so happens, we fell in love. If something wonderful happens, Minami is the first person I want to tell, sharing the excitement. It’s just such a shame that I can’t even speak to her. No one told me it was going to be this hard to be angry at your soul mate.
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Alone. I think that’s the most horrible word in any language. That is what I am, as I sit in Mii-chan’s living room. Mii-chan left for her schedule while I had the morning off. As I sit, I think about what she said.
I turned to Mii-chan, still in disbelief.
“What?” she asked, worried about me again.
“I’ve been nominated for a Jemmy!” I exclaimed. “Best Supporting Actress!”
“Yuko!” Mii-chan cheered, grabbing me into a ferocious embrace that nearly crushed my bones. “Congratulations!”
Suddenly Mii-chan’s smile diminished. She stared at me with a rare serious expression.
“Yuko you can’t tell anyone.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. Mii-chan was suggesting to keep what Hayami did to me a secret, even after everything. All the support she had offered was taken away in a second and I have never felt so betrayed. However, even without her saying, I knew what she meant.
“If you tell anyone and it goes public, the scandal can be twisted so it damages your reputation and your nomination might be withdrawn.” Mii-chan explained.
As twisted as it was, that was a reality. That’s how much reputation and the public eye matters, especially in this current age. In this society, even if you did nothing, even if it was not your fault, once enveloped in a scandal, especially one involving romance, sex, or harassment, then it’s over. It’s awful but that is our industry, a jungle that we have to try to survive in.
“What should I do?” I said, feeling the despair slowly creep back up.
“Do you think you can wait until the end of the ceremony?” Mii-chan wondered.
“That’s a month away.”
“Okay. We are going to need to take extra precautions. Call me any time you feel troubled no matter what. And I think maybe we should tell your manager. With a clear explanation, she will probably understand. But make sure it doesn’t get to Akimoto-sensei or anyone from the press. You know how they are.”
Mii-chan knew about the harshness of idol life. Her hair was now a nice styled bob, different from that crew-cut she had earlier in the year. I still remembered watching that video and crying with my fellow members.
However, I still felt frustrated at the situation. What was the most spectacular moment in my career is tarnished by Hayami. I hate how he has been affecting my life and wellbeing, even without being present.
“Yuko, do you think you can do this?” Mii-chan checked. “If not, then we can go with the original plan and reveal Hayami as the sleaze-bag he really is..”
“No. Let’s hide it for now. I can be strong. But if he does something again, then that’s it.”
Mii-chan had agreed with my decision and we put the topic aside and celebrated my nomination that night. However, when I think of that moment, I can feel my body tremble uncontrollably. It’s horrid. I thought I was one of the one’s who could hide her emotions like a deck of cards, but I guess I am more sensitive that I thought. I feel weak and defenceless.
Nevertheless, I can prove to myself I am strong. It’s just until the ceremony and then I can expose Hayami to be the true monster that he is. I can do this. You can do it Yuko. You can win.
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It's early evening when I return home. Far earlier than usual, but I feel more tired. After all the congratulations and thanking everyone, my body is more fatigued than a full day of shooting. I’m so exhausted, I collapse on the sofa. With my last strength, I reach for the remote and turn on the television.
Suddenly, I find myself face to face with Minami. An even tinier version. Through the screen, Minami smiles at me as she hosts Shin Domoto Kyoudai. She stares at me with a look that can mean anything.
“So you must have heard about the Jemmy news. Both Oshima Yuko and Maeda Atsuko have been nominated. It’s amazing that both your teammate and former teammate have come this far.”
“It definitely is.” Minami agrees, professionally.
“Do you have any words for them? They might be watching.”
Minami laughs, not thinking that either of us would be watching. Even I find this coincidence ridiculous. However, I am sitting up straight, my fatigue vanished. I gaze at the screen, like how I stared at Minami last night – without her knowing.
Minami first addresses Yuko. “Yuko, even though you’re still performing with AKB, you successfully accomplished not many can do. I’m sure you’ll do your best.”
She beams at the camera, but then her smile disappears. Minami pauses, her gaze towards, faltering. My heart beats roughly against my ribcage. Even through the television, I can see her inhale a trembling breathe. She is nervous. I don’t know why. Is she bracing herself to address me? Is it that hard to talk to me, even when I’m not there? It is something simple, but it still hurts.
Anger bursts through me like a furious wasp, and I am about to turn off the TV. Suddenly, there’s a change. I stare at the screen, Minami staring straight back. I’ve seen that look before, but never on a live broadcast. It’s an expression that I’ve only seen before a performance or when she speaks with me. A look of pure determination and burning passion that could barely be contained, so much so that even her eyes sparkle. It’s not often you can pinpoint the exact moment a person falls in love with another, but I imagine that the first time I saw that expression, was the first time that made my heart skip a beat.
“Atsuko.”
My heart skips a beat again. Minami never refers to me by my full name on live television. That’s what keeps our reality and our idol personas separate. However, it feels as though Minami is in the room, her presence filling my senses.
“I’m sincerely happy for you.”
All of a sudden, with her words alone, a blossom of happiness blooms inside me. Minami smiles. Another feature of hers that I fell in love with.
“Let’s talk tonight.”
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I stare at my phone. My message stares at me.
Can we talk?
There are no new messages underneath. I put my phone on the dressing table. Recently, a storm has made its home in my heart. However, I’m tired of waiting for Haruna to answer. When someone doesn’t let you in, eventually you stop knocking.
Suddenly, someone does knock on my door, who I’m sure is not Haruna.
“Yuko, are you ready?”
“Yes, I’ll be right out.”
Quickly, I get up. However, due to my haste, I trip and hit the table, shaking everything on the dresser. I hiss, rubbing my knee to lessen the sharp pain. Suddenly I hear something hit the floor which must have fallen from behind the mirror. A container rolls onto the floor, rattling until it taps my shoe, like a sign. Picking it up, I realise that inside are tablets and when I turn it over, I see it has Hayami’s name on the label. Is he sick? My heart starts pumping.
“Olanzapine?” I read aloud.
Using my phone, with my curious personality intent on finding dirt on my tormentor, I check for the details of fluoxetine. I read the list of the drug’s indications.
Schizophrenia.
Mania.
Agitated and disturbed behaviour.
Bipolar disease.
“Yuko, we need you on set now.”
I am shaken. Quickly I lock my phone and without thinking, throw the container into my bag. As I am heading towards the set, I see Hayami preparing for our short scene together. When he sees me, he smiles, as if nothing has happened between us. I find myself returning the smile, kindly reciprocating the wave. I realise, I actually am happy. There was definitely a reason for my glee.
I’ve hit the jackpot.
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Thank you for updating this. :twothumbs
This is one of my favorite fanfics, so i'm really happy that you updated
I'm really excited to see what will happen next. :D
Keep up the good work~ :cow: :cow:
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Aha! You finally updated! I really wish KojiYuu will be okay. Thanks for the update! :twothumbs
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Would Minami and Atsuko be able to get together at last?
What's going to happen next?
Would Mizuki come between them again?
Can't wait to find out
Thank you for the update
:twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs
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oh !! yes!
New chapter!! thanks a lot!!
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THIS! :panic: :panic: You finally updated this!! *throws confetti* :gmon flowers:
I thought you'll gonna leave this hanging, but as you said you will not abandon this fic so i hold onto that promise. Even though its been a year, and i already forgot to check if there is an update to the point that it got completely out of my mind, thanks to my old SD card for remembering me this story :mon sweat: ehehe sorry. :kneelbow:
Soooooo.. Yo! I'm one of your silent readers silently lurking and reading this fic.. (i've started to follow this when it's already at the 9th chapter) but hey i've finally made an account now so i must leave my piled up thoughts and opinions for this story throughout these years.
First of all, you're such an amazing writer with such an amazing style of writing. Seriously, it was like the scenes where really happening right before my eyes every time i am reading this, like i am watching them live but they're not seeing me. Another is, I can feel too what they are feeling so when they are heartbroken, so am i too. Plus, add those detailed narration.
Secondly, this is a one of a kind angsty fic. Sad and dramatic stories are what i like the most but.. HELL YEH! this story takes on another level! :wahaha: :on GJ: There are no roller coaster feeling because the tension on the story already build up since the beginning.. it is straight to the point. It was like fluff is not allowed, so.. GIVE THE CHARACTERS ALL THE SADNESS AND PROBLEMS OF THIS WORLD!! *insert evilish laughs here* :mikilaugh:
Third, THE CHARACTERS!!! They are the one who's making me swallowed into frustrations.. not the story itself! (did i make any sense in that statement? Lol)
so this is the time i am finally making the character's evaluation hahaha :shakeit:
I'll start with AtsuMina
They are really the 'Baka' couple. They are just mis-understanding each other and the root problem of that is because they are lacking on the communication department. There's Acchan thinking to herself that Takamina doesn't love her as much as she loves her, then the same thinking with Takamina. REALLY AN IDIOT COUPLE!! And please Acchan, don't pity on yourself just because you think you're the weaker between you two. Remember that Takamina has her weaknest too and she's just waiting for you to confide herself. Remember too that every couple is made to be balance so there will be a reversal of roles every now and then. And please become reasonable every time you'll get angry, same with Takamina. *pats both of them on the head*
And one thing, unlike the another couple, they are the one who is sure deeply both in their heart that they truly love each other, no second thoughts.. but they're just having a problem regarding to expressing it. But as i read from the latest update, i think they will finally have a perfect time to talk with each other, express what they truly feel and finally slowly work up the mess. But it's too early to make conclusions so I'll just going to wait for the update nyaaaaa~ :mon hanky:
As of the KojiYuu, they are really in a complete mess. A REALLY COMPLETE MESS~ :twisted: :shakeit:
Honestly, Kojiyuu is my main OTP so i'm truly affected with their situation. As for this couple, they are more 'Baka' than the first one. Their stupidity is somehow on the high level, and add the pride overflowing from both of them. They are lacking some communication too and the trust issues.. oooohh the trust issues tsk tsk!
Yuko says that she loves Haruna so much but how can she say that when trusting her is so hard for her to do. They are a couple so confiding and sharing their worries and secrets is a must. If she only confess to Haruna what happened, then there's no problem.. but if that happens, there will be no more angst! And we came here for the angst!! Right? :cow: So the author didn't do that and instead make their life a mess.
Lol Melon-san was like: FEED THEM THE ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! :wahaha: (peace yow author! XD)
On the other hand, because Yuko is the one who didn't give her trust first.. so at the end she finally got a taste of her own medicine by Haruna now not trusting her back. But as the story progress, i kinda hate Haruna here (don't get me wrong coz I'm a Kojiharu oshi). 'What's with that pride huh?' 'Can that make your relationship better?' --> I wanna ask those questions to her. I hate it when she doesn't let Yuko even explain herself. :mon fire: She(Haruna) deserves all the explanation but she, herself, keeping it away from her. Yuko is now giving the trust to her but it is all too late. I'm really pulling up my hair because of how troubled they are now. They are like the most complicated and as of the latest update, i can't see any progress with their relationship (BECAUSE PRIDE IS GETTING ON THEIR WAY!! AAAAHHHH!). But I guess that "Can we talk" is from Haruna, right? right?? :mon cry:
Another thing. For me.. I think Haruna still loves Yuko with all her heart. She's not indecisive. She's just confused with what she feels towards Takamina. Even though she's always saying that they are not so much alike besides their height, she sees Yuko at Takamina at their early days. A girl who makes her laugh, who makes her happy in just simple things, who makes her world bright, who gives her some thoughtful advices.. and lastly, the girl who she can trust and talk with all her thoughts and problems. She's just longing for Yuko, so much that those longings are redirected to her closest friend, which is Takamina.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! *scream like a mad woman* SOOOOOOO COMPLICATED!! :err: :frustrated:
But I'm still hoping the best for this couple, and for the AtsuMina too.
Ah! Btw.. how dare you to make me get angry to a hot guy like Hayami! I'm really cursing him every time he will appear at the story. I reallyyyyyy hate him! :on voodoo:
And about Mizuki.. my radar sense something from her. Despite my wants for them to clean their mess, somehow i want some AcchanXMizuki.. can i have it in the near future? ehehe :mon misch:
Uwah! I got carried away and didn't notice that It already turns out as a long comment.. gomen. Please bear with my nonsense outburst.. I just get excited because you finally updated! Wieeeehhhh!
So.. update this please! And i hope some progress, a good progress to my dearest Kojiyuu at the next update. :mon hanky: Thank you and Good job! :mon thumb:
P.S. It feels like i wrote a short one-shot fic hahaha
P.P.S. I read the prologue again.. and shit! who are those two??! :yuki: i completely forgotten about that!!
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@yamanbaaaa: Thank you! It's always blows my mind when someone says my fic is their favourite. I can't imagine being someone's favourite haha. But I love it XD So, please enjoy and keep the comments coming :D
@ChibiRine: Yeah~ After long I updated. Terrible me for taking so long. But thank you for taking your time to read, comments like yours give me such motivation. Keep it up :P
@cisda83: Ohhhh~ Who knows (except from me XD) Hopefully this chapter will answer some of your questions. Enjoy!
@Minami-chan: You're welcome! And thank you for reading and actually sticking with this story despite me rarely updating haha
@NyanNekkoNyan: Oh my gosh! Well I should give you an official welcome! :welcome Thank you for your attention and love! Your comment really made my day, I loved reading it :D One on the things I wonder is about my writing style, and if I go into too much detail, like with the narration and stuff. But in my head it's like a play or tv scene, so I'm glad you like the style and that you see it that way too haha. I have to say, I'm quite happy in making you feel all those emotions :lol:. Keep it up and I'll enjoy reading your next comment (or short fanfic :P) :twothumbs
19 – The Jemmys
When the show finishes, I head to my dressing room, bidding everyone a goodnight. My steps are light. I feel elevated. I don’t know if Atsuko saw the message, or even understood what I meant, but hopefully she will be at home waiting for me. Then, when I arrive, we can finally lay everything on the table and talk.
As soon as I close the door, someone suddenly opens it. I am surprised to see it is Itaki Mizuki. Without a word, she closes the door behind her and looks at me. Itaki-san stares, analysing me. Her gaze is so intent and strong that I feel nervous. From the interview, I already know she’s intelligent, well-spoken and logical. However, unlike in the interview, right here she doesn’t seem as friendly. With her straight stance and forward expression, I can tell she’s serious. Nevertheless, I can’t imagine what she’s here to talk to me about, especially to me.
“I’m going to be blunt.” Itaki-san’s soft voice says. “Are you in a relationship with Atsuko?”
Instantly, my heart jumps and my body turns cold. Fear takes me so quickly I can’t breathe. What did she mean? Did Atsuko say something to her last night? Was she someone in Atsuko’s life for her even to divulge such information? If she is, why have I never heard of her? And who was she to call Atsuko, ‘Atsuko’? I thought only I addressed her by her true name.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Itaki-san suddenly says. “And no, Atsuko did not say anything.”
There’s a touch of relief. But not enough for me to feel less tense. I am still speech impaired.
“I could practically see the hearts you were shooting from your eyes. Even if it’s through a camera, you should try to make it less obvious to the people actually sitting next to you.”
I begin to sweat. If Itaki-san could decipher our relationship from that statement, even though I addressed both Yuko and Atsuko, then who else could draw similar conclusions? I can’t even begin to imagine the consequences of my thoughtless actions. I could just kick myself. I need to fix this.
“What do you want?” I demand.
Itaki-san’s gaze changes and suddenly she’s laughing. It’s like she’s mocking me. I’ve never felt this vulnerable and ridiculed, even during my middle school days. It’s humiliating. At this point I decide I really don’t like her.
“Don’t look so scared. I don’t want anything and I’m not going to tell anyone.”
She says that, but it doesn’t reassure me anymore than before.
“But you can answer a few of my questions.” she states. My eyes automatically narrow in suspicion. “For example, how long have you two been seeing each other?”
This is not the first time a stranger has asked me a personal question. However, I’ve never felt this invaded. Maybe it’s because this is the first time someone who I didn’t know, was asking about mine and Atsuko’s relationship. It is too close for comfort.
“You don’t have to answer.” Itaki says. “I’m just curious. But let me give you a piece of advice about dear Atsuko.”
I forgive a lot, but I never forget what’s been said or done.
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I’m not good at relationships. From my first relationship in middle school, to all the ones to come after, they never lasted more than a few months. I always found flaws, sometimes in others, but mostly in myself. I magically foresee the ending of each relationship and then I create the problem to end it. To save myself, I ended up alone.
It wasn’t until I met Yuko that that changed. I realised that those relationships weren’t a waste of time. They taught me what I wanted, and what I didn’t want. Then, when my flaws revealed themselves, Yuko opened me further to see how much more of me poured out, how much more she could love, faults and all. However, at the beginning, even though we understood each other to hold deep feelings for each other, I was still hesitant in becoming officially. Being officially held so much burden. What if I predicted the end again, and then I was the one who made Yuko not love me anymore. How could I live with myself? So even though she pursued, I withdrew. It wasn’t until after years of chasing, and growing love, I jumped into the depths of unpredictability, with Yuko holding my hand. Since then, I’ve been trying to stay out of trouble, to not let myself think too much. However, there’s always a war in my mind between my logic and instinct. My instinct is to run away, while my logic tells me to stay and face my fears.
However, it seems my fears have been fulfilled because I’ve self-destructed another relationship.
I stare at the text message.
‘Can we talk?’
I think I’ve been staring at the message for the last half hour, instead of getting ready for Ariyoshi AKB Kyowakoku. My thumb hovers over the keypad but no words form. I want to talk. I want to talk so bad. However, why will my mind not put it down into words?
Yuko was one of the people who I could endlessly talk to or sit in comfortable silence. She is one of those people who make conversation easy. However, even with her not here, I can’t talk to her. I know what the main thing that’s stopping me from replying. Again, it’s my damn fear. I don’t know what Yuko wants to talk about but I’m scared. I’m terrified because Yuko means more to me than any other person. She is everything I think about and everything I want. What if she truly wants to end things? I brought this upon myself but I don’t want us to end. It’s too upsetting to even think about.
But then again, this could be a sign of hope. If Yuko took the time to message me, maybe she does miss me. What if Yuko wants to talk to sorts things out? I haven’t seen her in 48 hours and already I’m having withdrawal symptoms. I miss her so much I can’t focus. People get addicted to things that take away the pain. Yuko is my drug and her love fills my veins. I just want to consume her until I am overwhelmed with just Yuko, until I am drowning in her essence, so deep that I can’t see or feel anything else but her. She’s the one who makes me the happiest person, but she is the one who huts me the most. If I were to write this in a text message, would she understand? Would she feel the same way? If I told her everything, how I really felt, would it ruin everything? Can she save me from this fear?
People always say that in a relationship, there’s always a person that loves more. I know people would assume Yuko loved me more, but I think it’s the other way round. I’m sure Yuko isn’t suffering as much as I am. Like I said, she’s independent and strong, unlike me. I’m insecure and infinitely selfish. It’s just that Yuko’s brightness outshone my darkness. Now with her gone, anyone could see the shadows that hover over me. And no one knows my darkness more than me.
Maybe… Maybe I should just reply. I should just take the plunge again. Who cares if it ends up being the end? It will be better than always floating in limbo. I can’t be immature about this. I need to grow. Just because she kissed someone else, doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. I know I love Yuko to the moon and back. And if she were to ask, I would go further. The most important thing is to give someone your attention. So after the show I’m going to reply and we are going to set a time and date, and we are going to meet and I’m going to give her my full and undivided attention.
When I come to this decision, I close my eyes. Like this, I take a deep breath. Like this, it seems like nothing has changed at all.
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People’s minds change like the weather. It is unpredictable.
When I arrive home, I am nervous. Well, nervous is putting it lightly. Very lightly. It’s strange, when I left, I missed home. Yet now that I’m here, I don’t want to step inside.
However, I need to do this. I’ve started this and I need to finish it.
I open the door and instantly I know Atsuko is home. I easily spot her shoes and her coat. My heart pulses quickly and heat rises to my face and rushes to my hands. I’m sure Atsuko heard me come in but she doesn’t say anything. She’s probably as anxious as me. At least that’s what I would like to think, if she had nearly the same amount of feelings I held for her, for me.
“I’m home.” I call, though my voice trembles.
I step towards the living room, and finally, I meet Atsuko. She is sitting on the sofa, and she turns to me. A small smile forms on her face and then she greets me.
“Welcome home.”
Her sweet voice is enough to calm me. We take a moment to relish this moment before I sit next to Atsuko. It feels unusual. I wonder how long it’s been since we’ve sat like this.
Atsuko looks at me to start and so I do.
“Itaki Mizuki knows about us.”
I don’t think those are the words that Atsuko expected to come out of my mouth.
“…What?” Atsuko looks away from me, gathering her thoughts. “Mizuki knows about us? How?”
“I’m not entirely sure but I think it’s mostly my fault. From the message I said during the show, Itaki-san said that she could basically see the hearts.”
Despite the situation, I see Atsuko’s mouth slightly raise into a smile. It shows how much power Atsuko has over me, because I feel myself mirror her small grin.
“But she did say she wouldn’t say anything.” I continue. “Can we take her word for it?”
She thinks and I see a scurry of emotions go across Atsuko’s face. I wonder once more who Itaki is to Atsuko. However, I don’t bring it up. I’ll save it for another time. One hurdle at a time.
“I’m not sure.” finally confesses Atsuko. “But we’ll just have to take her word for it. You can’t change what’s already happened. There is no time to waste on thinking about it. We just need to figure out a way to conquer this problem.”
There’s another moment of silence but it’s not awkward. We are too busy contemplating to be occupied by the notion of awkwardness.
“I think we should lay low for a bit.” I say. “Maybe when you go to the Jemmys, we should go there separately. Stay in separate rooms. Haruna must be going to support Yuko. Maybe I could get a room with her, and say that we’re going to support you two because you invited us. No one would expect a thing if we are together.”
“So you’re coming?”
I look at Atsuko and she is gazing at me earnestly.
“Of course.” I say. “This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Unless… you don’t want me to come?”
“No!”
I think Atsuko’s burst even shocked herself.
“No.” she says again. “I think what you said is a good idea.” Atsuko admits, but I hear her mutter. “But I would have liked to spend the night together.”
Those words, make me so ecstatic that it catches me off guard. I can’t help myself but I take her hands into my own. Suddenly, Atsuko looks at me and it feels like my life is already a brighter.
“Atsuko, you don’t know how happy it makes me to hear you say that. But we need to think realistically. If Itaki-san knows, how many other people could catch on? We can’t risk it. Especially with you building you’re acting career and I still being in AKB.”
I can’t read her mind and I bet there’s a storm going in Atsuko’s head again. She glances down at her hands, and then back to me. It makes my heart skip a beat.
“Okay.” Atsuko agrees. “Let’s do it.”
I nod. “I’ll talk to Haruna tomorrow.”
Organically, like it was meant to happen, I kiss Atsuko. Its light and brief, but I feel her swallow all my trepidations. In just that touch, one of the most intimate signs of contact, I let her know that I want her to stay with me. I want Atsuko to stay with me so I can just look at her for a very long time. Simply and plainly, I just want to be with her.
“Atsuko, I said we should talk. Can I start?”
Atsuko stares at me, her attention fully on me. I take her silence as agreement. Now all I can do is hope my words touches her in places where my hands can’t.
“I didn’t believe in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. However, I think there are a few lucky people, who can find that one people who are exactly right for them.” I don’t know how or when I started to cry, but through my sobs, I continue. “They’re not perfect, and it’s not because you are, but it’s because combined together, they fit. Ever since I met you, I think I’m one of those lucky people. You’re my one and only.”
Atsuko cries openly as she holds my hand, her thumbs stroking my skin.
“I love you so much Atsuko and I don’t want to ever lose you.”
For a minute, we both choke on our tears. However, Atsuko pulls herself together, even though she’s grimacing with the effort.
“Minami.” Atsuko begins. “I love you with all my heart sometimes it hurts more than you can imagine. I know time has passed and people change but memories don’t. I still remember the first time I laid eyes on you, how short and cute I thought you were. But then, when I got to know you, I realised how deceiving your image was. You are strong and brave. You take on everyone’s burdens, as well as your own, and still manage a smile. That’s only one of the qualities I love about you. We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain. You’re my drug Minami. And no matter what anyone says, I’m not going to give you up.”
We embrace deeply and finally I say the delayed message.
“Congratulations Atsuko.”
I feel her embrace tighten and I let myself enjoy the assurance of Atsuko’s present. I think this is the beginning of our recovery. It’s not going to be easy to fix things, but this whole event will help us grow. We just need to communicate.
However, I have other words in my mind. I don’t know why, but I don’t tell her what Mizuki said to me.
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I stare at the chat.
‘Okay. When?’
There is no reply to my message. I check the time sent. 01:12. Read at 06:48.
I give Yuko the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she wasn’t awake to think. Maybe she hasn’t had time to reply. Maybe she needs time to pull herself together, to check when she is next free. However, it was now 5pm. It’s been nearly 12 hours. And still she hasn’t replied. I dread to think it, but maybe it really is too late.
Shaking my head to myself, I put my phone away. It’s too hard to think right now, especially having practiced for one hour straight. I feel the sweat seeping through my shirt as I sit against the mirror. A fifteen minute break is all we get before we are going to start practice again. However, I welcome this work. Even though it’s for a short moment in the day, it keeps my mind off everything.
“Haruna.”
Mii-chan looks down at me. Out of nowhere, she hands me a bottle of water.
“Thanks.” I say.
I sip at the cold water, greeting the refreshing taste. However, from how Mii-chan is acting, I know she has something to say. However, I don’t push her. When she’s ready, Mii-chan always has something to say. Suddenly, she squats in front of me.
“I know it’s not my place to say.” Mii-chan says in a low voice. “But try to understand Yuko. Give her a break. Talk to her.”
I stare at Mii-chan. I know Yuko is staying at hers, but I wonder what she knows. What has Yuko been saying? I suddenly feel a blaze of anger. I would like to say that I would also like to talk to Yuko, but she’s the one who’s ignoring me. Am I supposed to keep smiling even though I’m dying inside?
Before I can even retort, Minami suddenly appears. Taking that as her cue, Mii-chan moves back to the other side of the room to talk to other members.
With a heavy exhale, Minami collapses next to me as I try to bring back my composure.
“How’s your ankle?” I ask, knowing it’s the first time since her injury that Minami has practiced.
“It’s okay.” she answers. “Even though it was only for a bit, I feel out of practice. Thanks for asking.”
“Just take your time.” I warn, not wanting Minami to be out of commission again.
She agrees. Then, she nods towards the other side of the room, where Mii-chan is.
“What were you guys talking about?” Minami asks.
“Nothing.” I reply. I don’t think I have enough to challenge myself in talking about Yuko again. Besides, it’s not Mii-chan’s fault that she’s become involved in our rocky relationship.
Minami nods, not taking much notice. She always knows when not to pry. It’s like Minami’s sixth sense. She sits next to me and my gaze catches on a single bead of sweat that was making its way down her Minami’s collar bone and slowly making its way downstream. Quickly I look away. I suddenly feel hot again. I take a swig of my water.
“Haruna, you’re going to the Jemmys right?”
I almost choke.
I completely forgot about the Jemmys and Yuko’s nomination. It’s strange how it was announced the other day and I have yet to congratulate Yuko. I’m probably the last person that will. Before I would have been the first person to praise Yuko, even though she didn’t need it. She’s amazing and I already knew how well of an actress she would be. We used to talk about how she would be nominated for these acting awards and I would attend the event as her date. We knew it wouldn’t come true, at least in the foreseeable future, because none of us can take that risk of revealing our relationship. However, it was joyous for us to just imagine. It was just a simple dream that I had an honour of sharing with Yuko. I almost laugh at the irony of it. The fantasy has now become a reality and I don’t think I’m anywhere near the picture.
“I’m not sure.” I answer.
“What do you mean? Aren’t you going to support Yuko?” asks Minami.
“I don’t know. She hasn’t asked me.”
“Are you guys still not okay?”
I inwardly sigh. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
“You could say that.” I reply. “How about you and Atsuko?”
Minami has never mentioned about her relationship, but I remember that night we confided in each other, how easily she could relate to my problems. It was another connection we could share. However, from the way Minami’s face lights up, I know they are in much better position than Yuko and I. I wish I was as blissful as her right now.
“It’s good.” Minami says. “It’s really good.”
I nod. “I’m glad.”
At least someone’s relationship is working out. I feel envious. And for some reason, deeper than that, I feel something negative that I label as disappointment. I didn’t know I could be this petty.
“Then why don’t you go and surprise her?” Minami suddenly states.
I didn’t think of that option and I already think it’s a bad idea. She isn’t even talking to me so I can’t even imagine how she would react if I just showed up at the award ceremony, unannounced. And I was the one that asked for space, for time to think. To add to my faults, I’m now a hypocrite.
“I don’t think I should.” I reply.
“I’m sure she would be so happy to see you there.”
“Would she really though? Our last fight… it wasn’t pretty.”
“It can’t hurt to try.”
Minami suddenly moves so she is sitting in front of me. It’s like we formed a sharing circle, with just the two of us. That’s how suddenly personal it became, like we are the only two in the room.
“Look. Atsuko and I have to lay low at the moment, but I want to go and support her and I’m sure you want to do that same for Yuko. So, let’s share a room and go together. That way you don’t have to exactly be in Yuko’s face, but you can show that despite everything that’s happened, you do love her.”
I don’t know if it’s the sharing circle, but Minami makes sense.
“I guess so.” I hear myself admit.
“Right? And then we can just treat it like a sleepover. We haven’t had one of those in a while.”
This time I laugh. Minami knows how to make me smile, even if she is a complete.
“Okay.” I say. “You’ve convinced me.”
“Yay!” happily exclaims Minami.
Then, she suddenly grabs my shoulders and pulls me into a rough embrace. Even though we’re still moist with sweat and it’s sticky and uncomfortable, I don’t mind it. I feel her breathe and it makes my own chest beat. I don’t know why but this embrace, with its clumsiness, feels similar to Yuko’s sudden hugs. The familiarity is like a blanket, warm and full of security, despite it only being a thin veil. I wonder when I am going to be able to actually hold Yuko in my arms. Well, for now, I guess Minami is just as good.
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Eh... you are describing Yuko and Minami giving off similar trails that made Haruna's heart beat
Would Mizuki keep her promise not cause any troubles for Atsumina?
Would Haruna and Yuko get to set their differences?
Would Atsumina be able to keep the scandal of their relationship off the media?
What's going to happen next?
Can't wait to find out
Thank you for the update
:twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs
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Yey! An update!! Thanks for the warm welcome :cow:
Okay.. honestly, I don't know what to feel right now. I'm happy for Acchan and Takamina because finally they are in good terms now and they already have their talks but still, I have this unsettled feelings within me because i know that there's a thing they left behind.. and that is Mizuki's conversation with Takamina. I hope that that matter will not affect them on the future.. but knowing this story, sure it will hahaha
Another is Haruna and Yuko's relationship that still in not-so-good terms. Oh! That "Can we talk" is from Yuko? I thought it's from Haruna hahaha, sorry my bad.
Hmmm.. I really don't know what to think. From Haruna's POV in this chapter, I can see that she truly loves Yuko, the only thing is that because she's in great fear. Fear of ruining the relationship. But knowing their situation now, their relationship is already ruined and it's already in the verge of breaking up if they're still not going to make any right moves. I wanted to know Yuko's POV for the clarification why she's not answering Haruna's reply to her. And I'm fearing that Haruna will make something that she's going to regret in the future because of her closeness to Takamina. I hope not. *Cross fingers*
But all in all, a great chapter (for the AtsuMina couple), I hope it will continue up to the future updates. I'm still waiting for KojiYuu's reunion. Please~ :bleed eyes: :nervous
Thanks for the update, and good job! :twothumbs
P.S. I still want some Acchan x Mizuki action hahahaha :shakeit:
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I re-read your fic, because I really love it ... :mon lovelaff:
I love how you arrange the words to tell the story of this fic ... :mon inluv:
thanks for your nice fic .... :mon XD:
pliiiiissssshhh update soon .... :mon cute: