@arrow27: Thank you for the support and I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter 
@O r i g a m i: Omg I am sorry! 
@riderchick: I'm glas you're loving the drama 
Liking your comment and ;oving the animation for Hayami 
@anonymousdowner: Gasp! How could you?! 
I'm just joking 
There really is no rush to comment but I do enjoy reading them haha. Ahh the joys of studying and working. I'm glad you liked the smut 
Oh no~ Not your Yuko river! And yes you did make sense and of course I enjoyed reading your rambles and I hope this meets your heartbreaking expectations Woo I'm glad you liked the Rainie movie, I love her so much 
Oh my! Thank you for the threat haha but it's cool, commenting is free will so if you guys want to comment, go ahead, if not then I won't be hurt much And LOL about the Hayami comment 
you loser 
@yuksun: Wow, I'm glad you like my fic so much 
And don't worry, your English is fine
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Hi everyone. I’m glad to tell you I haven’t disappeared form the face of the planet. I’ve just been EXTREMELY busy. Sorry for the late update but unfortunately university and exams beckon. Le cries.
Anyways, I'm happy that not everyone abandoned me and that many of you commented, which is very much appreciated as always 
I'm hoping with the Christmas holidays coming up, after my exams, I will be able to do more writing, fingers-crossed.
But as of now, hope you guys enjoy this chapter and comment away 
-
11 – Wordless Calls I don’t know when I fell asleep but when I wake up, I am in Mariko’s bed. I sit up, my throat parched. As expected after crying for hours. I glance to the side, hoping to see a glass of water but instead, there is a note.
Gone to work
Breakfast is on the table
Beside what has happened, I smile. Is this what it felt like for Minami, someone always there to take care of her. I am forever grateful to Mari-chan. I slip off the bed and pad through the small home until I am standing at the kitchen counter, staring at the covered plate of tasty breakfast morsels. Grateful once more, I pick a small stick of asparagus and put it into my mouth. Chewing, I remember why I don’t come to Mariko’s for any meal. It tasted like hospital food. Grimacing, I put the dish into the microwave, hoping that heating it will make it better.
There was only one time I have been in the hospital for myself.
It was a warm spring day and I was walking to the park to meet my friends. I was fourteen and naïve.
I was hit by a bicycle.
It doesn’t sound like much. However I was standing by a large tree and I was what cushioned the cyclist against it when we both crashed, with me slamming into the unforgiving tree trunk. After the immense, blinding pain from my chest, I completely blacked out. When I awoke, I just remembered doctors saying I had three broken ribs. After, I faded out again. The next time I awoke, it was before my urgent surgery.
And I think that was one of the happiest moments of my life.
Pumped with morphine, I was dazed and blissfully unaware of my surroundings, smiling up at my sobbing parents. Then, as I was rolled down the white corridors and anaesthetised while they cut me open, I wished I could always be like this. Invincible to pain. Yet the next day, I felt the full effects of the operation, when it hurt to even breathe.
That was what I had felt, walking through the dark streets, heading to only one destination. Calm, my mind blissfully blank and unaware of the piercing pain that was shrieking through my body when Yuko finally told me the truth last night. It wasn’t until Mari-chan opened her apartment door that I finally let go. I jumped into her unsuspecting arms, sobs retching through my body as she just silently held me, not asking a thing.
As if my body hadn’t had enough of crying yesterday, I feel my sore eyes well with more tears. Suddenly ‘Heavy Rotation’ plays and I jump. The count of Yuko’s voice makes me wipe my tears and pick my phone from my jacket thrown onto the kitchen stool. I make a mental note of changing my ringtone. Seeing the caller ID my heart pangs agonisingly against my chest, just like the bike accident when my heart collided against the ribcage when I collided. I watch as Yuko’s name continuously flashes on my phone, her photo smiling up at me. When it stops, I check the times she has called and see it is the umpteenth time since last night. Even though I told her not to call. All of the sudden, the phone rings again and once more I see Yuko’s grinning face. I bite my lip with indecision and resentment. A sound doesn’t exist if it can’t be heard. So I ultimately turn my phone on silent and ignore the flashing screen, pretending that the problem doesn’t exist. I flip the phone over for good measure and head to the living room, leaving the vibrating phone behind.
I sit down, with the warm plate on my lap, turning the TV on. Instantly a cooking programme shows in the screen and I mindlessly watch and eat the less than mediocre food filled with Mari-chan’s care.
However, I pay no attention, my full focus still on the phone in the kitchen. I don’t want to call her, but the constant urge to hear her voice plays in the back of my head. Yet, stubborn, I subdue it. Instead I think of yesterday’s events, which really isn’t that much better.
Truly, I am not angry at Yuko. At least, not anymore. I just can’t believe she lied to me. And for so long. Hurt and disappointment riddles through me at just the thought. I never expected Yuko of all people to betray my trust. Then, the image of Yuko sobbing at my feet hits me. Glancing at my hand that currently held the pair of chopsticks; I feel the imprint of Yuko’s cheek guiltily painted on my palm. With a deep exhale and a defeated shake of my head, I drop my hands to my lap. What was wrong with me? I really want to forgive Yuko. From the state she was, and from what she told me, it seems she was telling the truth.
However, can I forgive her when I can’t even bring myself to look at her photo on my phone? I am too scared. If she can do this once, what is there to stop her from doing it again? Am I still the naïve teen who expects to never get hurt? I don’t know. I need time to think.
But I know one thing for sure.
The next time I see Hayami, I am going to break his balls.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor’s hands are cold on my foot as I swirl my ankle around as if I was warming up for dance practice. The freedom from the choking cast is exhilarating and I don’t want to stop moving my now free and painless joint. However I find the doctor’s hands starkly contrasting against the warm hand that held mine. I feel Atsuko give me a squeeze and I smile at her reassuringly, even though I am nervous myself. Then, with a final examine, the doctor looks at me, his eyes smiling.
“I think you’re ready to go solo.”
Instant happiness and relief fills me at the doctor’s words. Atsuko makes a sound of happiness and I grin as she holds my shoulders.
“Your ankle has healed nicely and I don’t think there will be problems from now on. However, I suggest that you take an easy for at least one more week. This means no dancing and standing for prolonged periods. And if there are any problems, come back straight away.”
I nod along as if I am going to comply with everything he says, even though I already have a schedule for today. But I don’t tell the doctor this, I know he will disapprove. However I need to get back out there before I lose my entire capability of performing.
“Now, I am going to collect some forms which you will need to sign and then you are free to go.”
I happily thank the doctor until he leaves the room. When he closes the door, I face Atsuko.
“Thank you for coming but you didn’t have to.” I say.
This morning Atsuko had insisted on coming to my appointment. I didn’t know if it was because of what I said yesterday about us spending more time together or of Atsuko wanted to know the verdict of my ankle, but I was thankful for the company even if I acted reluctant. Atsuko said that she called in to the set and said there was a family emergency which she had to attend to. I am not happy that she lied, but I am secretly glad. But thinking about it now, it was wrong of me to cause Atsuko to miss a shoot. Especially since her career means so much to her.
I see Atsuko relieved expression change to a cute pout.
“Are you saying you don’t want me here?”
“You know that isn’t what I mean. I’m over the moon that you’re here. But I don’t want you to get into trouble with work.”
“I told you, you don’t have to worry. Everything is sorted. They already said that they would postpone my scene. Besides, I want to spend as much free time I have with my girlfriend.”
Glee fills me at her words and I joyfully accept her soft kiss on my lips.
It is amazing what words can do. How anxious I was waiting for the doctor analysis. What Akimoto Yasushi’s opinion means to me. What people comment about me on fan-sites. Words can make or break me. They can be beautifully or skin grippingly painful. They can build someone’s confidence or completely crush their reputation. Words can even be transformed into lyrics, becoming any type of song that can be sung. The basic foundation of communication and my career.
And yet, how can this woman who sat next to me, bestowing me with the honour of her love, can sometimes make me speechless.
“Let’s go celebrate tonight.” smiles Atsuko.
I nod, exampling my loss of words, my lips still tickling with her brief contact.
“Well, I guess I should go now since you had to remind me that I had to go.” she playfully moans. “Are you going to be alright?”
“Yes.” I smile, giving her my own kiss. “I’ll see you later.”
“Later.” Atsuko bids, standing up.
She doesn’t let go of my hand until she has to and I watch as she heads to the door. All of a sudden she hesitates when she opens the door.
“And Minami.”
I face her, waiting.
“Take an easy.”
Atsuko closes the door and once again, her words make my heart melt.
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Patting down the skirt, I look at the mirror, checking my provided outfit. Finally out of yesterday’s clothes and satisfied with the costume, I sit. I wait for Takamina to arrive, Miichan too busy hosting her variety show to be here, realising I got to the studio earlier than I expected. I quietly mutter the words of our new song, practising the somewhat unfamiliar lyrics.“I dream of when my voice reaches you
When will you turn and face me
And realise I was always there”
Suddenly my soft hum is interrupted by another song. ‘Junai no Crescendo’ plays into the dressing room as my phone rings and without checking I know it is Yuko again. Yuko has been constantly ringing my phone at an hourly rate. My ringtone might as well be my theme tune. Yet I don’t answer. I just let it ring. Even though it annoys me hearing the same song over and over again, knowing that Yuko is on the other end hoping that I will forgive her, I can’t bear to turn my phone on silent. After the first time I did, I immediately turned back on the ringer. As pathetic as it is, the sound reminds me that Yuko still cares about me. It ensures that she is still mine. And being pathetic, I need this reassurance.
Just as the phone stops, as if on cue, the door opens. Instantly I gasp as the figure walks in.
“Takamina!”
She smiles and opens her arms in response as I hug her with my excitement.
“You’re out of your cast.” I state the obvious, smiling at Takamina’s recovered state.
“Yeah, we went to the doctor’s today.” she elatedly grins.
“We?”
“Atsuko came with me.” she replies offhandedly.
I feel my smile automatically twitch downwards, even though I don’t know why. Perhaps it just reminds me that my relationship isn’t as wonderful at theirs. I sit quietly as Takamina settles, telling me about everything the doctor said, her voice blending with the background as my problems scream forwards.
“Haruna is something wrong?”
My eyes snap to Takamina, surprised by her question. I am about to oppose her concern, when I see the expression on her face. I stop myself and release a heavy sigh that has built up in my chest over the past few hours. It’s amazing how someone can know me so well. But then again, this is Minami. There are few people who I could rest my life with, and Minami is one of them. Now the question is, is Yuko still one of them?
“It’s Yuko.” I finally say.
“Is something wrong?” Minami suddenly exclaims.
She is obviously worried for the health of her familiar sized friend. She is always the worrier. One of the many qualities that I esteem to obtain.
“No nothing’s wrong. At least, not with her specifically.” I mutter. “It’s us. She-” I pause, unable to continue. Even after everything, I don’t want to soil Yuko’s name with what Hayami did. “…We had an argument.”
I glance as Minami to see her reaction. There isn’t much to see, just her intent expression. An expression which I am familiar with, seeing it from a distance and personally experiencing the gaze before. It is the expression which displays her full attention. And for some reason, I feel my cheeks burn under the concentrated stare. I look down to my lap but Minami waits patiently, letting me prepare myself for what I am about to voice.
“Yuko can be stupid sometimes.” I quietly begin. “Sometimes she makes me so angry. Sometimes she makes me want to tear my hair out.”
I feel the bitter anger creep its way up my throat, but I haul myself out of my self-pity. Instead, a memory plays on my tongue.
“But...”
I think to the time Yuko first found me crying.
It was during back in the days where AKB48 had debuted and the second generation members were preparing to debut. We had some dance lessons together and we were somewhat familiar with each other, but at this time I was still sceptical. However, everyone had to live with the change. And like the times before, we were practising together.
That day was not the first day I cried, but the first that I felt so awful about doing so. It was not because I was stressed about AKB48 or the group’s uncertain future. That morning I received a text from my close friend from high school to discover that she was graduating soon and she was accepted into the prestigious Tokyo University. A normal friend would have instantly congratulated her, feeling proud and excited for her achievement, who had worked hard to get to where she was. However, with me, unexpected emotions emerged. Jealousy and anger swept over me and filled me until I was bloated with despair. I forced myself to send a congratulatory text, half-hearted at best. Then, even though the lesson was yet finished, I quietly left. I went straight to the corner of the messy changing rooms and squatting down, curling into myself as I self-loathed. Despicably, I wept.
At the time, I didn’t know why I did such a thing. But now I know it was because it could have been me. I could have stayed in school and studied and got a degree. I could have experienced everything a young woman should have; life-long friends, education leading to a steady career and a normal yet wonderful romance. However, this couldn’t happen to me. Giving up school and boyfriends, I threw myself in abnormality and uncertainty. I thought I was going to sparkle like a diamond and dazzle everyone with my brilliance. However, though alone I may glitter, when grouped together with other diamonds like on a necklace, I lost my shine, becoming something that couldn’t be distinguished against the other jewels. And as I watched everyone else, I came to realise I was the weak link of the AKB chain and all I could do was allow myself to slowly vanish into the background as the animosity of becoming part of a famous girl group disappeared as it grew larger and I became less important. I began to regret my choice.
I don’t know when I stopped crying but I remained in that same spot, the theatre’s costumes draping over and hiding me. I lightly sniffed the remains of my tears and woes.
“Is someone there?”
The voice made me jump but I stayed where I was. I didn’t even notice someone had come into the large room and I definitely didn’t want anyone to see me in such a state. I heard the light steps that began searching and I begged that she wouldn’t find me, whoever it was.
“Kojima-san?”
I mentally cursed and looked up through my red eyes. Oshima Yuko, one of the new generation members. When I first saw her, I didn’t think much about it, except she looked exceptionally like a squirrel with her large eyes and toothy grin. However, like the scurrying squirrel, she was quick and energetic. It was no wonder people were drawn to her, even though she was new, a stranger. Even I was one of them and I didn’t know when, but I started to watch her during practice. She even looked bright when she smiled through her sweat. One of the diamonds that I envied.
Yuko stared at me with her massive eyes that shone with genuine concern.
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t know why, even to this day, but when she asked me that simple question, I burst back into tears. Perhaps I was touched by her worry, even though she was practically a stranger. Then, unlike myself, I told her everything. To the girl who I didn’t know anything about, besides her name and age, I completely surrendered and laid myself bare.
After pouring out my guts, the next thing I knew I was being embraced.
“You’re special Kojima-san.”
Her words made my tears and my heart stop. When I pulled back, feeling the weight of her speech, I was captured by Yuko’s earnest gaze and small smile.
“But you should remember that a necklace is connected and without that single diamond link, the whole chain will fall apart. You may sparkle when you’re alone, but you radiate when you are with everyone else. And when together, you all shine the best.”
And that night, I repeated the same thing over and over again until eventually I too began to believe those words and I fell asleep, with Yuko’s voice being the last thing I heard.
Hauling myself out of the blissful past, I stare at the current knot of my fingers.
“She always knew how to make me smile. Anything she said, whenever I was down, would bring me back up so high that I felt like I could fly.”
I look at Takamina, seeing her stare at me with sadness that makes my lips twitch into a weak melancholic smile which quickly disappeared.
“But now everything she says or does just… makes me sad.”
There is a silence where none of us speaks, the room heavy with my words. I realise the honeymoon period of our relationship is over and I now have to deal with issues which I thought I would never have with Yuko. Though I held back the details, I want Takamina to tell me what to do.
“I know what you mean.”
My eyes meet Takamina’s, whose painful gaze matches own. I wonder if something happened between the perfect couple and if so, what. However, before I have time to question Takamina, the door opens.
“We are on in five minutes.” announces the staff member.
When he disappears, Takamina stands. The lonely gaze is gone as if it wasn’t there and she smiles at me. She stands in front of me and clasps my hand which makes my heart warm.
“You are special Haruna. And you can always confide in me.”
Again before I can say anything, she leaves me and I just stare after Minami, remembering the words that made my heart stop. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweet relief runs through me as I rest my feet on top of a chair. Perhaps I overdid the performance, putting extra effort in to fill in Mii-chan’s spot. It also didn’t help that for most of the programme, we had to stand. However I don’t regret it. This is the most amount of fun and exhilaration I have felt in what seems like forever. Haruna closely follows me and closes the door. On turning, she notices my tired state.
“You should take an easy Takamina.” she says, sitting in front of the dressing table and touching up her make up in front of the mirror.
My eyes follow Haruna, watching as she delicately powered her nose. Her words immediately remind me of Atsuko’s and I acknowledge how lucky I am to have so many people care about me. I smile, standing when I feel the ache fade from my soles. I stand behind Haruna, meeting her reflected gaze and grin, lightly patting her head.
“Thank you Haruna, I will.”
Haruna jokingly slapped my hand away, making a tease about my height as the only time I can reach Haruna’s head was when she was sitting down. While Haruna continues to sort herself out, I take this as a chance to change. I barely got over my fear of changing in the same room as others members, but I still make sure that their attention is elsewhere before I start stripping, my chronic shyness still keeping me caged. Though I am confident in most areas, my body is my weakness. Even though Atsuko has always praised me on the way I am, I just can’t like myself as much as she wants me to. However, I think this is what every female thinks of their own body. At least that is what I imagine to make myself less self-conscious.
When I finish I turn. But then my heart jumps straight up my oesophagus when I see Haruna looking at me. I am about to exclaim my embarrassment when I notice Haruna’s soft frown. Her eyes are troubled, as if she wanted to say something but is holding back. I don’t know why, but I feel anxious by Haruna’s contemplating expression, one that she rarely shows.
What she told me before the show made me realise that I wasn’t the only one having troubles with my relationship. Even though I don’t know specifically what the problem was, Haruna told me in confidence and I appreciate it. Having never really spoken about our relationships, initially it took me by surprise to hear that the great ‘KojiYuu’ couple were going through difficulties. However, I wonder if it was something similar to my problem with Atsuko and me not spending enough time together. As Yuko is also acting in another drama, did Haruna also miss her presence as greatly as I did with Atsuko? Did she feel the same heart wrenching tug every time she watched the time tick away while she waited for Yuko to return? Did she sometimes feel to indeed, ask for her partner to stop acting and just stay with her? Does she want to turn back time to the days when it was much simpler?
Because I do.
Then without expectation, the next question comes from my mouth.
“Do you want to come with me for dinner?” I blurt before I have time to think.
And seeing Haruna’s eyes sparkle, I can’t take it back. And honestly, I don’t want to.
Topic: How Long Does Forever Last? - Chapter 19 (AtsuMina & KojiYuu) 10/09/2015 (Read 71096 times)