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FINALLY UPDATED! Thank you to those that have commented and liked, this chapter took much much MUCH longer than expected 
So thank you for everyone's patience. I think from now on I will reply to everyone's comments that are longer than four words since I truly appreciate every reader I receive.
Underneath is just a quick summary of what has happened so far for those that have forgotten, can't be bothered to read every chapter again, or is new to the fic and just wants the spoilers:
Haruna and Yuko are a couple but life has been started to become difficult for them, especially when it comes to their relationship. Haruna is still with AKB, while Yuko is also in AKB but is now in a day-time drama which requires her to be on set for most of the week instead of at the theatre. This causes a distance between Haruna and Yuko and it hit a massive bump when Yuko goes out with Hayami, her coworker and set boyfriend, makes a move on her. However, instead of telling Haruna what happened, she decided to keep it a secret not knowing how Haruna would react, even though Mariko had soon had her hunches. Yet, when Haruna decided to surprise Yuko at the set one day, after deciding that she needed to step up in the relationship, she discovered what happened between Yuko and Hayami. Feeling betrayed, Haruna confronts Yuko, causing her to slap Yuko and storm off to Mariko's. With all these conflicts, Haruna has gradually become more
dependant on her relationship with Minami, especially after talking to Minami about her relationships problems, while Yuko is becoming more distressed, especially with Hayami's continues advances.
Minami and Atsuko are also a couple, with Minami still being the General Manager of AKB and Atsuko now a full time actress. With Atsuko starring in her very own drama series, and Minami continuing with her duties within the group, their relationship has also been tested. Minami is feeling neglected, especially with her efforts to convey her feelings, which she feels Atsuko does not see. However, Atsuko feels the same way, especially with her new tormentor on the drama set, Mizuki. For some reason, the new actress seems to enjoy making Atsuko's life ever the more difficult, which isn't helped by the fact that Atsuko is started to feel rather jealous of Minami's relationship with Haruna, which seemed to developed further. However, after a talk, Minami and Atsuko decided to commit again to their relationship, hoping to build back to what is was once before, especially after Minami has her accident. Yet, after planning a romantic night for Minami's recovery and the hopeful rekindle of their lost intimacy, Atsuko is left truly disappointed and furious when she sees Minami bring Haruna to the dinner also. That is when Atsuko blows her fuse, and though somehow managing to save Mizuki at the set, she is still left with anger and anguish, while Minami is clueless.
Well, that's about it. So I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, especially after the long wait. I don't know when I'm next updating but hopefully soon.
Don't forget to comment 
P.S. Check out akb-melody. I've changed a rule which some people may be interested in and hopefully cause more people to become members13 – When to Say When I wave to Haruna as she leaves the taxi, making sure that she safely enters her apartment. I watch when she closes the door, somewhat comforted that she wouldn’t be alone, she would be with Yuko.
The night was wonderful. It was like the old times when Atsuko was still in AKB, the days when we would meet at least once a week, a time that now seemed so far away.
Except…
I flinch at the sound of Atsuko’s heels crashing onto the floor.
“You were quiet today.” I timidly say to Atsuko.
As soon as I entered the restaurant, even though she was beautiful in the same dress that she wore on our first date, Atsuko seemed to be distant, not her usual bubbly self. Every time I looked at her, the frown on her face made me upset and rather angered. I wondered why she was acting the way she was. I even wore this stupid dress; the first and only dress that I owned at that time which wasn't part of work, which I wore when I first took Atsuko out on her birthday.
Suddenly Atsuko spins round, her glare startling me, as if she sensed my building annoyance.
“What did you think you were playing at tonight?” Atsuko yelled. I jumped, stunned. Atsuko rarely raised her voice at me, and when she did it was when she truly was furious. “Why did you invite Haruna?”
I couldn’t help but gape at Atsuko. I thought I was being thoughtful for inviting our best friend to join us, but apparently this was not the case. Was I being too presumptuous for not asking Atsuko her opinion, assuming she would agree with me? Was I selfish in not even thinking that I had to ask?
“I wanted our best friend to come join us.” I reply. “What’s wrong with that?”
If Atsuko wasn't angry before, she was now.
“What’s wrong is that tonight was supposed to be just the two of us.” she painfully exclaimed. “I wanted it to be a romantic evening where we would rekindle our fire of a relationship and it would lead to us having amazing, mind-blowing sex!”
I feel my cheeks burn from Atsuko's outburst and I can see Atsuko’s flush with anger.
“So I repeat, why did you ask Haruna to come?”
“I couldn’t leave her alone.” I say.
And this is the truth. How could I desert Haruna after she told me everything, how sad she had become and how dejected she had looked? How could I leave after my heart pulled towards her, hurt that she felt that way? All I wanted to do was to make her feel better. And when I saw Haruna’s resulting smile, I thought it was worth everything.
“Why?” Atsuko asked, not understanding how I felt.
“Because…”
I hesitate, remembering what Haruna confined to me earlier this afternoon. I couldn’t just reveal her secrets, especially about her and Yuko’s relationship. It was far too personal to share, even if it is with Atsuko. I couldn’t do that to Haruna.
However, Atsuko is quick to finish what I started.
“Because you’re the General Manager. You can’t leave anyone alone. You are the person everyone comes to for help and advice. Everyone’s needs come before your own. But then what about me? Am I not important enough for you? Does everyone come before me too?”
My heart wrenches as I see the tears build at the edges of Atsuko’s eyes. Why is it on these occasions that I notice how beautiful they are? I had forgotten how easily I could lose myself in them. However, this time I am truly lost and confused. I don’t know what to say. Is this how she feels about me being General Manager? I know that I put others needs in front of my own, but was I doing the same to Atsuko? Was I subconsciously neglecting her? Was I the bad guy?
“Everyone is important to you.” Atsuko chokes, myself feeling the same tightness in my throat. “Everyone but me.”
I stare at Atsuko who loudly slams the door. My body remains frozen, not even flinching at the loud noise. All I feel is cold and emptiness, now depressively becoming a more familiar sensation. However, I deserve to feel this way, maybe even worse. If I’ve made Atsuko feel so unappreciated, I should be punished. I just want to make things right. I want her to know that she is the most important person to me. Even though Atsuko should know this already, I know I don’t pronounce this fact frequently enough. This isn’t helped by our growing distance. A distance that I could easily cover if I just opened the bedroom door.
Yet, I am too ashamed to follow. Even if I did go after her, I wouldn’t know what to say. For all I know, I would make it worse. I am as clueless as ever. I need to give her space and time. I just have to pretend nothing is wrong. Even though I miss her; a little too much, a little too often and a little more each and every day.
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“Thanks for a wonderful night.” I say to Minami. “Bye Atsuko.”
I see Atsuko smile towards me, but knowing her long enough, I know it’s forced. Even though tonight was amazing, I knew that Atsuko felt uncomfortable the moment I arrived. I felt I was intruding on what must have supposed to be a romantic evening, and yet… I stayed. I’m not sure why I did but the more Minami talked to me and the more I laughed, the more comfortable I felt and the more I didn’t want to leave. The evening brought back memories of when Yuko and I first began dating. Everything was carefree and I only remember having a smile on my face every moment I was with her. I wanted that again.
However, it was going to be hard to trust her.
As I head to my apartment, keeping my eyes ahead instead of seeing if Minami waited in the taxi until I reached my door, my feet feel heavy. An anxious dread suddenly makes my chest twinge. Uncertain questions begin to flood my mind; ‘What if Yuko was there?’ What do I say?’ ‘What if she wasn’t?’ ‘Where would she go?’ ‘Would Yuko come back?’ ‘Would she leave me?’
My body trembles as my distress piles, making the keys jingle in my hand extraordinarily loud. I wonder what I would do if Yuko really wasn’t there when I open the door. Then, I realise, beyond anything, that is my greatest fear.
When I open the door, I see Yuko directly in front of me. The biggest sense of relief filled me but then another reel of anxiety plays within me. What do I say now?
As we stop and stare at each other, the first thing I notice is the dark circles under her wide eyes and the same, but now crumpled, clothes Yuko wore yesterday. Even though I shouldn’t feel it, guilt makes me squirm and before I know it, I step in and close the door behind me. We still stand in silent. I stare at Yuko, someone who I have known for so many years, who I considered one of my dearest friends and more, as if she were someone new. Was this the same person who constantly declared her love for me for numerous of years? The same person who kissed another person, who kept it a secret, who lied to me? Suddenly another round of hurt makes me double back but then my heart is pulled back. I remember the desperate way Yuko grabbed onto me and the times where she held onto me even when I thought I was a lost cause. I shouldn’t give up on Yuko. It’s been too hard and long of a journey to give up now.
Uneasily, I take a step towards Yuko. Then, another, until I am just an arm’s length away from Yuko. So close that I could see the redness in her wide eyes and the remains of the dimple from a smile which I feel like I haven’t seen in forever. After a turmoil of feelings, a sense of longing suddenly fills me.
“I forgive you.”
I see the impact my words on Yuko, her eyebrows rising in the way they do. Was she that surprised that I would forgive her? However, considering my reaction, I would be shocked too. Yet, even knowing this, my uncertainty wouldn’t go away.
“But I don’t trust you.”
Again I see her react to my words, only this time I see the sadness glaze across her face.
“Haruna…” Yuko quietly begins. However, before she can continue, I interrupt.
“I want to take things slow.” I say, unable to fully throw myself back into the relationship. I couldn’t let myself be vulnerable again, completely opening up myself to another, someone who could make me so ecstatic one moment and then miserable the next. Not yet.
“At least for now.” I continue. “Please respect my wishes.”
Yuko hesitates, mulling over her answer. However, she soon looks at me with a determined gaze.
“Of course.” she confidently replies, like there is not a single doubt about her respect for me.
This makes me relieved. I’ve always admired that part of Yuko; she always respected others who deserves it.
Again there is an awkward silence that hangs over us and I don’t know what to do next. So, Yuko takes the lead, like she always has, and takes a tentative step towards me. I don’t move away and before I know it, she has her arms around my waist. When she hugs me, it surprises me. Not by the fact that she was holding me, so securely, but how I just recognise how much I have missed her warmth. An embrace that is so simple, something I took for granted.
“I love you.”
I hear those three words and the world doesn’t stop. Time doesn’t stand still. It keeps going and the revelation of Yuko’s infidelity continues to replay in my mind. It is a cruel reminder that love sometimes doesn’t conquer all and with that phrase, that it sometimes can be hard work and not all can be forgot or forgiven.
I put my chin on Yuko’s head, something I’ve done many times before. My sign of affection.
“I know.” I whisper.
Yuko’s grip tightens but I can’t bear to say the three words back because I know if I do, I would surrender myself, my resolve falling with my own words. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If I were to compare myself with something, it would be the moon.
Some days, I am full, complete. Glowing impossibly bright even when surrounded by darkness, unlimitedly happy just from a simple glance from the one I fully love.
On other days, I can be half full. Simply content. Still seen for who I am, even with half of me stuck, while the other pushed on. The days then I feel the empty presence next to me on the couch, but forgotten soon later. Feeling empty, but wanting to be full.
Then, there were the days where only a diminutive part of me was left. Just a fragment of my former self, the inkling of hope that I desperately grasp. Myself made miniscule when Atsuko and I have a vicious fight and I am left with the faint wish that Atsuko would love me again.
And then there are the days when I just completely disappear, swallowed by the harsh darkness of despair and anguish. The days that were rare but crippling, where just getting up was hard. The days when Atsuko wouldn’t even look at me, when I feel like I have forgotten how it felt when her voice would resonate towards and within me. The days when I so yearn for her warm touch that it leaves me so cold that I can’t sleep. Hidden away from everyone, folded into myself, like an eclipse. Disappearing, as if I didn’t exist.
Today was the dawn of one of those days.
Atsuko left in the morning, way before I had awoken. I can tell because the bedroom door is ajar with the bed made and new dishes left to dry next to the sink in the kitchen. Frustratingly rubbing my fringe, I get ready for work, my body aching from an almost sleepless night on the couch. As I ready myself, dulling through the mindless tasks, my mind begins to clear from the fogginess. I think of last night.
During the sleepless period of the long night, after deliberating with my thoughts, I realised that it was not just me that was the cause of the fight and it was unfair to blame myself for everything. It may be because I know I am not strong to withstand the crushing weight of the responsibility but I know that Atsuko needs to take some accountability of the faults of our relationship. She can’t just storm off whenever she disagrees with something, she needs to voice her concerns and not just silently sulk. Though it is the same with me, I am no longer to shy away from a confrontation because it is what we need. We need to get everything off our chest. The sad thing is, I don’t even remember when the last time Atsuko actually said she loved me. My chest hurts at this but I need to persevere. I don’t care if I’m being stubborn or whatever, but I am not going to apologise. There is only so much I can take and I’m tired of being taken advantage of or having my feelings played against me.
With a self-assured nod, I head outside to the place where I know I am fully appreciated by at least one person.
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If I could describe Minami, she would be the sun.
When she rose, she would shine impossibly bright, making everything around her glow. With just the trivial details she would remember, like my favourite colour or give me my favourite sweet, Minami could lift my spirits. Relaying the insignificant snippets of my life that I didn’t think she had listened to and stored.
Then, I would get too close and become burned, remembering she belonged to someone else, her mark lingering for a moments that were longer than I wanted.
And when Minami is gone, I would miss her presence, my world turned dark. I would then fervently wait for the morning when I would see her rise once more, only to repeat the torturous cycle.
I sigh as I quietly sit at the table. It’s been a stressful morning, especially with Mariko messaging me so early. She had wanted to meet and talk, and with everything she had done, I couldn’t say no. However, when I sat up and saw Yuko laying so peacefully, her back to me and just a touch away, I felt regretful. I wondered what it would appear if we arrived at the theatre separately.
Yet, with just a single glance back, I headed out, making sure to be as quiet as possible, as if I had a secret.
When I met Mariko, I told her everything, from what I said to what I did.Yet, I don't undertsand why, but I leave the part about the dinner from last night. Something's tells me that I am going to regret it. Even so, Mariko said she was happy that I had returned to Yuko but had her doubts. I said I had shared her doubts but I couldn’t help but forgive her, especially after everything we’ve been through. Mariko understood.
Needing alone time, I sat by myself in the changing rooms while the others arrived and carried on with their own business. I just wanted to see one person.
And that person came through.
I watch as Minami progressed around the room, everyone exclaiming their excitement and happiness at her return. At first I smile as I watch her, glad everyone realised and appreciated the missing cog of our team, but as time passed I started to feel the inkling feeling of distaste. The feeling similar to when I was first told about Yuko’s budding relationship in her drama script.
When Minami sees me, she grins and I immediately return the gesture. She slips into the chair next to me with ease and I already feel the effect of her presence, my muscles slowly releasing their natural tension.
“Yesterday was fun.” she says.
“It really was.” I reply effortlessly.
“We should do it more often.”
“I think so.”
Suddenly I see Mii-chan heading towards.
“Look Mii-chan.” I wave over. “Minami has taken off her cast.” I excitedly point.
Mii-chan looks at me with a puzzled expression, and I realise my mistake. However, she doesn’t comment and instead turns to Minami, who either didn’t hear or chose to ignore my change of speech.
I wonder, when did I start addressing Takamina as Minami?
After catching up, Mii-chan soon heads away to talk to Mariko and I return to having Minami all to myself. Abruptly I see Minami raise her hand. My stomach jumps when I see Yuko.
“Yuko!” Minami calls, waving at Yuko to come over.
Instantly I am just wishing that we would head to practise already so we wouldn’t have to awkwardly connect, but not all the members had arrived yet.
I stare as Yuko brightly smiles, and begins heading to us. However, even though she is shining, I see the quiver in her hands and I know Yuko is nervous as much as I am. Minami moves against me, making room for Yuko to sit. I don’t know if it’s the sudden increase in body heat or that my body is jittering excessively but I feel extremely hot. Though I am glad Minami is sitting in the middle, keeping us at a necessary distance.
“I see you’ve got your cast off.” congratulates Yuko, beginning their animated conversation.
As Minami and Yuko chat, their focus only on each other, I sneak off to Mariko. I’m beginning to feel like a lone thief.
“Are you okay?” quietly asks Mariko.
I nod.
“Do you want me to say anything?”
“No, don’t. I just want to get through one day at a time.”
Mariko nods, respecting my choice. However, I wonder if I can abide by my own choice, or escape like the coward that I've become.
Topic: How Long Does Forever Last? - Chapter 19 (AtsuMina & KojiYuu) 10/09/2015 (Read 71093 times)