How Long Does Forever Last? - Chapter 19 (AtsuMina & KojiYuu) 10/09/2015

[Minami-chan]

YESSS! NEW CHAPTER!! 
It´s so dramatic! but i like it!
Yuko and Haruna... them relation ... could be restored?

[melon-lover]

@ cisda83 : This should hopefully answer some of your questions 
@ Tanchan : Maybe...
@ TakaminaBG : Very true. Misunderstandings, left alone, can cause unnecessary hurt for both sides. Hopefully they will sort it out... 
@ ptrd3009 : TakaHaru shipper? 
@ Minami-chan : Glad to like the drama because there's definitely going to be more on the way


HELLO EVERYONE AND HAPPY 2014! Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas and New Years.
Finally it's time for my update which took way too long to complete, I'm sure all of you will agree with. I apologise for that but I shall move on because it seems late updates have been my thing since last year. However, I have made new revolutions with myself which hopefully will cause faster updates, but I don't want to promise anything.
For now, I'll just say thank you everyone for the likes and comments and hope you'll enjoy this chapter. Feel free to drop your likes and comments



16 – Friends and Fame

I wring my hands as I wait for Haruna to come home. I am still shaken from what happened in the changing rooms. I lost count on the amount of times I looked over my shoulder as I headed straight into the taxi, even asking for the driver to go the long way to make sure I wasn’t being followed. Then, I ran home, ready to jump into Haruna’s arms even if they weren’t open. However, I couldn’t even attempt this because she wasn’t even there and she wasn’t answering my calls. All I wanted to be with her, but she wasn’t there. All I could do was wait and thoroughly wish for Haruna to return quickly from wherever she went.
My tears have long since stopped but my skin still feels dirty. After a burning shower, my skin is red raw and my face is sensitive to touch, but I still feel his hands on me. I stare at the mirror, my reflection looking nothing like myself. The bags under my eyes are deep and dark, while the frown is frightening and the eyes are dull. I would wonder who that tired and scared looking girl was, if I didn’t already know it was me.

I nervously sit at the kitchen counter, running my fingertips over the smooth surface, thinking it was what Haruna’s felt. I’ve forgotten what she feels like. It’s been that long since I’ve touched her. She was right all along. About him. About everything. If only I listened to her.
When I hear the door unlock I can’t turn to the door. A sudden shame catches me and I can’t bear to face her. However, out of the corner of my eye, as Haruna walks in, I already know she’s had a good day. I bet she was with Mariko or Minami. That lingering smile makes me boil with jealousy. But like all other times, I subdue it because it’s misplaced and I have more pressing matters. Haruna notices me sitting on at the counter and I see the surprised expression. I know I look awful.

“Haruna.” I croak, my voice damaged from all the crying. “We need to talk. Please.”

After everything that has happened, Haruna looks concerned. I had wanted this, for her to show some sign of care for me, but I wish there wasn’t anything to actually be concerned about. She leans back against the sofa, watching me as I try to gather my courage to speak. I wonder how Haruna would react. Would she instantly throw a furious tantrum and demand Hayami’s blood or sob for the pain I’ve been through? Either way, I want to tell her because I don’t think I could handle this.

“Today, after rehearsals, I went to the drama set.” I say, which she nods to. “And there, while I was getting ready…”

The images of what happened just over an hour ago flash through my mind, making me experience the terrifying sensation all over again. It makes me want to curl up in a ball. Suddenly, I feel Haruna’s hand over mine. A rush of warmth and comfort runs through me. So this is what it felt like. I’ve longed for this so much; I hope she doesn’t move from me. I want her to keep running her thumb over my skin, sending sparks to the tips of my hair, making my scalp tingle. I take deep breaths because this, and Haruna, calms me. I need to do this. I need to get it out. Just spit it out Yuko.

“I was getting ready in my changing room and Hayami… He came in my room… and grabbed me and-“

I felt Haruna’s hand snap back and I look up. I am shocked to see Haruna’s utterly disgusted face. I didn’t think her reaction was really going to be this strong. 

“You’re telling me he touched you again?” she exclaims.

I know it’s not really the right feeling, but I somewhat feel glad for her reaction. At last I know she’s finally going to support me.

“You let him do it again?”

…What?

I am just astounded. What is Haruna saying? I am about to retort but Haruna is quicker.

“Do you know how I feel?” she snaps, un-benevolent to my bursting feelings.

“Haruna please-“

“I can’t take this anymore.”

“Just listen.” I plead.

I want to yell at her to stop, for her to listen to me. How I just want her to believe me. However, her next words stop me.

“Every time I imagine that guy kissing you, I feel sick to my stomach, so much that sometimes I can’t even look at you.”

Shock immobilises me. I make Haruna sick? A despair that I have never felt makes my stomach turn, myself feeling nausea from Haruna’s harsh words. It burns and stirs within me creating a mix of bitterness and pain in my heart. I love her so much but why does she keep doing this to me? The constant mistrust and the instant doubt, I can barely take anymore. I’m too sad to even defend myself anymore. After all, Haruna knows all.
Perhaps deep down, I already know nothing can be done. Maybe, I have given up. Instantly tears fill my tired eyes, even though I had thought I was all cried out.

“So what do you want to do?” I quietly ask.

Haruna’s face relaxes, but only because she is looking away from me.

“I don’t know.”

Her reply makes me frustrated. I take a step forward but when I do, she is like a autumn leaf, crinkling and shrinking into herself. When Haruna looks up, I am struck by how hurt she looks. However, I’m no longer sympathetic. I am in far more pain.

“Didn’t you say that you still wanted to continue? Do you not love me anymore?” I say, when I truly mean to say is don’t hate me. “Tell me Haruna, is that it? You don’t love me?”

“I…”

Haruna’s hesitation is so painful I feel like I’m dying. My face contorts as I try to hold back my tears. I grit my teeth and inhale deeply, when I hear Haruna’s ultimate reply.

“I don’t know.”

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When the tide of my past memories finally subsides, I am able to stand. It’s late and I should go home. I’m hungry and tired and all I want to do is have a relaxing dinner. And if Minami is home, maybe I’ll ask her to join me…

I open the door to leave but I jump when I see someone standing outside the set. I realise it’s only Mizuki. She is standing there, as if waiting for someone. With her easy posture, her back leaning against the wall, I notice Mizuki really has changed. From the small dumpy, cute girl, she is now a taller, slimmer mature young woman. Both versions equally beautiful. However, I cannot say that for their personalities. I would pick the past Mizuki over the present one any day.

“I thought you went home.” I say, just as I am about to pass. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

However, she suddenly steps in front of me. “I want to talk.” she replies. “Let’s go to dinner.”

I am shocked. How can this woman be the same girl that had so nervously asked me to lunch when we were mere girls? I must have still been dazed because I find myself agreeing without thinking.

About twenty minutes in a taxi, about the same amount of times my stomach had growled, we arrive at a restaurant. I don’t even know what type of cuisine it is and I don’t care, as long as it is nice and filling. Thankfully we are seated within five minutes - being a celebrity does come in handy sometimes - and I quickly began scanning the menu, to find it to be Italian. One of my favourite cuisines. It doesn’t take long before I decide to have carbonara pasta with a side of cheesy garlic bread. Luckily Mizuki is as quick to order as I am and before we know it, I am ravaging on a delicious steaming hot meal. As my stomach is no longer crying to be fed, I finally realise in all that time Mizuki and I had not exchanged a single word. For the first time since eating, I find it hard to swallow my food. Awkwardly, I gulp down the pasta in my mouth and lightly sip at my apple juice before summoning the courage to talk.

“So, what made you decide to want to have dinner with me?” I ask.

“Curiosity.” she simply answers.

Again I am surprised. Since opening the door, the past has been constantly creeping up on me, asking me to compare it to the present. How can she act so cool? What happened to the skittish Mizu-chan?
Suddenly, Mizuki puts down her fork and at last looks at me. Again, I am unable to read what she is thinking, her face shows nothing. It is a shield rather than the window to her true feelings. I am forced to realise that the past Mizu-chan is gone and instead Mizuki is someone I have to deal with. As they say, the past is history. Just think of the present, the now.

“Was what you said earlier… true?”

I stare at Mizuki and for the first time I feel like I’m really looking at her. What pain, what resentment, she must have gone through to completely transform her into this confident, cold and brash person. However, not only that; she is far more vulnerable than anyone I’ve ever met. Her pretence of strength, even during her weakest moments, could probably compete with Minami’s. I wonder what she is feeling right now. I acknowledge that curiosity is the correct answer for our situation.

“Would I have said it if it weren’t?” I answer.

“How would I know? You’re an actress.”

“What has that got to do with anything?”

“You’re a professional liar.”

Again, Mizuki momentarily stuns me.

“It’s true.” I say.

Mizuki gazes at me, like she’s deciding my fate, before she nods and returns to her dinner. We fall into another silence. However, this time it seems the tension has gone between us.  I don’t put much faith in this temporary ceasefire because I know Mizuki must not have completely forgiven me. However, it is nice to have a rather comfortable dinner with an old friend. I find myself smiling as I taste again the delicious pasta.

“So are you nervous for tomorrow?” Mizuki suddenly inquires, like a normal companion.

“Tomorrow?”

“Are you an idiot?” Mizuki exclaims, making me raise my brow with incredulity. “The announcement for the Jemmy Awards is tomorrow. But knowing the entertainment business, our managers will probably know before we do.”

My mouth automatically drops open. I had completely forgotten. Japanese Drama Awards, also known as the Jemmy’s. Japan’s most prestigious and famous award ceremony revolving around Japan’s best dramas of the year. Tomorrow morning would be the televised announcement of the nominees, and then in a month's time, at the end of the year, it would be the live showing of the award ceremony. Even though our drama ‘How Long Does Love Last’ is still being filmed, it is eligible to be nominated as it has been running for two months, with less than half of the episodes to be filmed. In my head I think that the drama will be nominated for the romance category, showing my support even though no one can hear me, but as for myself I don’t let my hopes get too high. Even though it’s not my first time as a lead actress, and though my skills have improved, there are so many better actresses.

All of a sudden, Mizuki’s phone rings. She excuses herself from the table. In that time, I decide to check my mobile. No messages. I swallow down the disappointment. I shouldn’t let it bother me. But it does. Inhaling, I just type my text.

I won’t be coming home until late. Having a meal with Mizuki. Have dinner without me.
Atsuko

Before I could even think about how cold I might have sounded, I had already sent the message. I sigh and just allow myself to not wait too desperately for a reply that probably won’t come.
Closing my phone, I simply eat my dinner, waiting for Mizuki to return.

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I sit on the bed edge, remaining in the same position since I retreated into the room. It isn’t until two hours later, since our confrontation, did Haruna reappear in the bedroom. It’s obvious I’ve been crying but Haruna doesn’t say anything. I see that she red pupils showing that she also has been crying  but I too don’t say a word. Instead, we just allow the heavy silence crush us. At least we would die together.

“I’m going to stay at Mii-chan’s.” I finally say.

I watch her for a reaction but Haruna does nothing. Again I have the rapid and vicious thought flash through my mind.

You didn’t even try to save me.

It is spiteful but at the same time, I know deep down it was true.

“I think it’s for the best.” I add, knowing that surely I will turn horrible. “At least for now.”

Haruna nods, agreeing that it’s the suitable action. Then, Haruna slips back into the living room. I heave a heavy, heavy sigh. Even though I’ve done nothing wrong, I’m the one that is leaving. However, I guess it’s for the best. I know if I stay, I’ll probably say something that is malicious, untrue and I would deeply regret.

I heave my rucksack onto my back, but it is light compared to my disappointment. My despair is much heavier than any weight my body has ever carried. When I walk into the living room, Haruna is still sitting on the sofa. Her face is desolate of any emotion except from sadness, much like my heart is empty of any compassion. I just want to leave. However, I can’t restrain myself from giving her one more chance.

“I’m leaving.” I say.

She looks at me and I see the flicker of unease. She looks as if she about to say something but she can’t. Haruna just stares until I force myself to break away with the vision of her tears still in my mind. I bite my lip to muffle the sob that threatens to escape. I go the door and finally close it behind me. Haruna was at the door and all she had to do was push it open to reach it. But now it was too late. My heart is closed and locked and she lost the key.


It doesn’t take me long to get to where I wanted to go. I just hope she’s home. I knock on the door I instantly hear shuffling from behind the door.

“Who is it?” she calls.

“It’s me.”

Instantly the door flies open and Minegishi Minami gazes at me with shock, a piece of dried squid still dangling from her mouth.

“Is it okay… if I stay the night?”



It was one hour before I gathered the courage to tell Mii-chan what happened. It took another hour for me to finish. Mii-chan sat in silence, listening to every word I said. Her reactions were so animated, as if she were watching a film. However, I appreciated her attention. It was the most anyone had given me for a while.

“Mii-chan, what do I do?” I mutter.

“First you have to tell the director. Or at least your manager. I know it will be difficult and it's going to be a tough road ahead but everyone will support you. He deserves everything he's going to get. We can't let him get away with it. And..."

I instantly know why Mii-chan hesitates. "Go on." I say.

"You have to tell her.” Mii-chan says exasperatedly. "Haruna has to know. Do you want her to view you in that way?”

“Of course I don’t. But she won’t listen. She never listens to me anymore.”

“You just have to talk until she does listen. You know Haruna; she’s a ditsy girl who doesn’t get anything unless it’s all laid clearly on a table in front of her.”

Mii-chan looks at me and I know must have a depressive expression because she hugs me for a moment. She must feel really sorry for us, for me.

“Just give her another chance.” she says, supporting me with a smile.

I want to agree because that option is most tempting. However, every time I give her a chance, the more disappointed I am at the result. She used to be the one who was always by my side. Now she is someone who I can’t hold on to. And yet, I can’t let go.

Suddenly my phone rings and I jump. Before I can stop myself, I answer it with a pounding heart.

“Hello?” I hesitantly say.

“Yuko!”

My heart instantly drops when I hear my manager’s voice.

“What do you want?” I almost snap.

“Have you forgotten?”

“What?”

“The Jemmy Awards!”

I turn to Mii-chan with wide eyes while she looks at me with confusion. So much has happened that I had completely forgotten about the nominee announcement for the annual Jemmy Awards. If my manager is calling it must mean our drama ‘Forever Love’ has been nominated for Best Daytime Drama or…

“You’ve been nominated for Best Supporting Actress!”

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The taxi drops me off in front of our house - different from Haruna’s apartment - and I step out. I don't even feel the winter coldness because I am content. The dinner with Mizuki finished much like the actual event, calmly. It turns out Mizuki was nominated for Best Supporting Actress and surprisingly I had sincerely congratulated her. And like I thought, I didn’t receive a call from my manager or from Minami. It was expected. But I know which upset me the most.

When I open the door, it is dark like I knew it would be. Even though I hoped Minami would have been awake, it was late and knowing Minami’s schedule, she would be tired. When I look, again it’s what I expect. Minami is already asleep on the couch. Everything is meeting my expectations so why do I still feel surprisingly disappointed.

Suddenly my phone rings. I quickly rummage through my bag, see it’s my manager, and quickly answer it. I glance at the sofa and see that Minami has unmoved. Rather relieved, I go to the bedroom.

“Hello?”

“Acchan, I have great news.” my manager quickly says.

“What is it?”

“I received a massive tip.”

He loves to leave me hanging. “And?”

“You’ve been nominated!”

“Nominated?”

“For a Jemmy! You’re one of nominees for Best Leading Drama Actress.”

My hand cups over my mouth to stop the squeal of surprise and delight.

“Really?” I gasp.

“Yes! Congratulations Acchan!” he cheers, popping what sounds like champagne, even though he lives by himself. “Okay, I’ll let you sleep since I know you have an early shoot tomorrow and I’ll see you later. And again, well done!”

“Okay. Thank you and goodnight.”

I close my phone and hold it against my pounding heart. I wonder if I had held it then, would my manager have heard my excitement. I can’t believe it. It seems out of my expectations, there was a surprise. I’m so happy that I need to tell someone. Like my manager, I wish to celebrate. It’s too late to call anyone but I could tell one person. I walk out of the bedroom, around the sofa and look down at Minami. She is still asleep. I stare at her sleeping face and my heart flutters. Not because of the excitement or nervousness from the nomination announcement but because it is one of the moments that I find Minami absolutely adorable.

I wonder if I should wake her, but what would I say. How was your day? Would you like to sleep next to me? I missed you? Too casual compared to the true conversation we need to have. And it is too late for something so heavy. For both of us. However, I think maybe it is time for us to talk. I reach out my hand to touch her, but suddenly she makes a sound between a grunt, sniff and snore, and then she rolls over to have her back to me. I cup my mouth but this time to stiffle my laughter. She really can be cute. I just want to jump on her and hold her against me. This urge overwhelms me and even I am overtaken by it. However, I compose myself.

In the end, I just leave Minami to sleep. She’s probably tired.

When I enter the bed, I cannot sleep even though my eyelids are heavy. One of the reasons is because my heart is too unsteady and my head is filled by who I am against, who else of the drama has been nominated, and many more awakening thoughts. But when I stare at the empty side of the bed, I know what the main reason is.
I wonder, if Minami was beside me, what I would tell her. Would she congratulate me? Would she hold me? Would she kiss me? Beside myself, I smile at that thought. I reach over and lightly stroke the cold covers, reliving the way I would tickle Minami’s glowing skin, feeling her back quiver under my feathery touches, remembering the times where even though we were two bodies, our minds, hearts and souls were one. It’s a wonderful memory and I can’t help breathing a sigh of longing.

Finally, I close my eyes and hope my dreams are as nice as my memories.

[Tam_atsu]

oh my gosh kojiyuu is getting worse 
please fix it already pleaseeee

[ifzhaa]

  thx for update author-san....

[cisda83]

Yeah.. an update... a long one at that....

Ah... Kojiyuu relationship....????

Yeah... Atsuko is being nominated

What's going to happen to Atsumina?

What about Mizuki?

Can't wait to find out what's going to happen next

Thank you for the update

 

[TakaminaBG]

The relationship between Haruna and Yuko is getting worse....
Too bad Haruna didn't listen to Yuko's explanation.... If they end their relationship it'd be because of Haruna's failure to recognize Yuko's true and honest feelings.
And i don't think you can call Atsuko and Minami's relationship.. well... a relationship at all. They look like roommates with no particular deep conection.. and that;s is because Atsuko is neglecting Minami.
And now how will the friendship between Haruna and Minami progress? Will they leave their slowly dying relationships and start something new together?
Can't wait to find out!! Thank you for this update!

[amachan48]

woah.... melon-san. thanks for the update

My kojiyuu I hope they will get better soon >.<

please update soon. i'm curiooouuussss >.<

[Akira ryusen sora]

this fanfic so.......... 

update soon 

[AshuraX]

How is this...
Acchan and Yuko both forgot about the awards
Acchan gets closer to Mizu-chan (now I'm starting to have doubts if she's a.... b. or not)
Yuko went to one of her confidantes for help, which is Mii-chan... though I don't think that would make a diff much???

Now to wait for the moment when Yuko and Acchan meets in the Jemmy's. ._. (just realized that they haven't met again in the story yet)

[love angel]

  why so difficult for them to say I love you, I miss you, I need you,
 
  it's so painful for me.....

  please author san....don't make me like this...

  btw, your fic is so interesting make me want to die...

[Minami-chan]

Great as both atsuko yuko are nominated, that's good! since under ... their relationships whenever it going worse.

[KaoriChan]

Kojiyuu 
What will happen? 

[imjovanka]

ouhh God..! I Love this fic....!! 
kojiyuuuu   
please update 

[ubulubulbilu]

It's so complicated, and I love it. Pls update soon author san.
Btw, i'm newbie here 

[takeshi77]

there is lots of conflict in this story
and sad moment 
i wonder how its will be going in the end 
hope u will update its soon 

[iLeo221]

Drama, drama, drama! To much drama!!!
u know, at first I was looking for a story with a lot of drama because I love a story full of sad, hurt feelings and then a happy ending.
But your story is even too much for me ^^!
They are all sad... that's why I'm also sad... ;_;

but enough be a emo!

your story is really great! I'm looking forward to see from you again!

[Drakon]

It's ... it's .... it's just amazing! With each new chapter of the number of versions "who to whom changed" increases.  I want to know the truth soon. Very sorry that the author has not updated for a long time this story.

[melon-lover]

@ Tam_atsu : I knoooow, KojiYuu is going through so much atm. But you know what they say, you have to climb the mountain before you can see the sunrise (I just made that up lol)
@ ifzhaa : Thanks for reading 
@ cisda83 : So many questions and so many upcoming answers. Stay tuned to find out 
@ TakaminaBG : Yes, if only Haruna did listen but due to her character she chose not to and has deeply affected the KojiYuu dynamics. And yes, AtsuMina has now turned to roommates, and the type which don't even talk to each other and just manage to live together. While TakaHaru, their relationship is as stable as ever in comparison. Let's see how they turn out 
@ amachan48 : Fingers crossed they get better!
@ Akira ryusen sora : Updated! 
@ AshuraX : I would like to think that one day Atsuko and Yuko will be recognised for their talent  And yeah, I actually just realised that Yuko and Atsuko haven't met  But I guess due to their separate schedules, with Yuko also still being in AKB, there has been little time for them to meet which is kind of sad.
@ love angel : "I love you, I miss you, I need you."... why does it sound like lyrics that's I've heard before?  I'm sorry but not sorry, I'm glad my fic is making you feel all the emotions, even if they are bad 
@ Minami-chan : For sure, finally something good has happened for them. Now, if only they could share it with their loved ones....
@ KaoriChan : Who knoooows~ apart from me keke
@ imjovanka : And I love you for loving my fic 
@ ubulubulbilu : Hello there and welcome! I'm glad you love the drama, and hope I can provide you more 
@ takeshi77 : Angst is really a difficult genre to read isn't it? If only their suffering will end soon but I'm not going to let it, at least for now, mwahahahaha
@ iLeo221 : LOL! There is no such thing as too much drama 
@ Drakon : Oh thank you, I made it different POV's each chapter so you can get the full amount of detail each character is dealing with and as a reader, you can decide who to support (and receive quadruple the amount of angst and drama  ) And sorry againuoong, but hopefully this chapter answers some questions for you 



Ohhhh Myyyyy Gooooosh!!! I'm so sorry everyone! It's been way to long to updated and I don't want to bore everyone with all the details as of why I haven't done so. The important thing is that I have now and I've fallen in love with writing again so hopefully will be able to update more frequently, but I won't promise anything
Anyways, thank you all for the comments, and seeing as jphip has been updated, I don't know who liked the chapter, but thanks anyway 
To those that haven't abandoned me (although I deserve since I'm shamefully left for so long), hope you all enjoy, like and comment~


17 – The Unspoken Announcement

I don’t know how long Yuko has been in our room for, but a part of me wants her to stay in there forever, while another part of me wants to join her. One half hates her for what she’s done to us, how she could have thrown our love selfishly aside. The other half wants to demand if it was something I did to drive her to another person’s arms, to make her love me again. Once, Yuko was the one person who made me the happiest person in the universe. How can I stay close to someone who used to make me feel glad to be alive, when all I want to do now is kill them? 

I’m not sure what I want, but I know that I feel truly empty because, even though parts of me are colliding, Yuko has taken my entirety away.

It takes all my power to lift my body to its feet. It takes even more resolve for me to go into our bedroom. As soon as I enter the doorway, I see Yuko sitting on her bed, her shoulders slumped and back hunched over. With the little light, I see the shimmer of tears on her cheeks. Immediately, my willpower that took so long to build crumbles at my feet. It would just take one word for me to run over and take Yuko into my arms, to feel her body pressed into me. A rush of longing runs through me. Just a few steps and I could do just that.

“I’m going to stay at Mii-chan’s.”

A sharp pain spreads through my chest. If I wasn’t already in a state of disbelief, I am now. Does this mean Yuko is running away? Even though I want to talk, discuss our current feelings, dealing with my confusion and the situation, I can’t bring myself to open my mouth. I am already too mortified by her betrayal, disloyalty and her cowardly acts. I begin to ask myself if this really is the same person I fell in love with. Is she really the Oshima Yuko I once had known?

Yuko faces me and all I can do is mask my true feelings.

“I think it’s for the best.” she quietly mumbles.

Perhaps space is really what we need because I know if we stay within close proximities, I will eventually release my full anger. Even I know I can be hot-headed, so perhaps this time will help me put things into perspective. There must have been a reason as to why Yuko kissed Hayami, again at that. This period of time will allow me to remove my emotions and focus on the bigger picture.

So, I nod, agreeing with Yuko’s proposal even if part of me almost wants to beg for her to stay. However, this conflicting feeling only reinforces the fact that I need to stay away. At least for the moment.

Yet, as soon as I turn to go back to the living room, I hear Yuko’s heavy sigh and I’m just about turn around. My resolve cracks again, but I have to walk away because I know if I stay, I can only be hurt. I know it’s selfish, but self-preservation is a selfish act. And my heart can only take so much. So, even when I hear Yuko begin to pack away her things, I remain rooted on the sofa.

This is it. This is the beginning of recovering our relationship. With this time apart, I’m sure we’ll be able to put things into perspective and realise how much we mean to each other.

Yet, why do I feel like this is the end?

When Yuko comes from the room, I can’t bear to look at her. I know if I do, I would break and that’s just something I can’t do. It’s for the best, for the both of us. I feel her linger, looking at me, but I can’t do it. I can’t look at her. Even though it burns, I know this pain is something I have to bear.

“I’m leaving.” Yuko says.

Before I can stop myself, I feel my head turn to her. My gaze catches hers and I feel my chest aching. My eyes feel sore and dry, but again I feel like crying. The image of Yuko, with her rucksack, leaving, was the last image I would have pictured in our future. Yet, here she was, leaving me behind. My mouth can’t help but open, about to spew thoughtless words in order for Yuko to stay. However, I swallow them because it is what we need. I just have to remind myself it isn’t forever. It’s just a break. Nothing more.

However, we stare at each other for a few more moments. Sadly, it’s probably the most time we’ve actually just looked at each other in months. How different it was to the times when we first started dating, where we would simply look at each other from across the table, dwelling in each other’s company. Yuko is the first to break our contact. It’s just as painful as her leaving but I force my body to remain still, instead of running up to embrace her. Finally, she leaves and closes the door behind her.

It takes a few minutes before I turn away from the door. I switch on the TV to fill the scarily empty space and to preoccupy my whirling mind. The noise does nothing but cover the sounds of my quiet sobs.

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When I wake up, it’s early afternoon. It’s the latest I’ve ever slept until. The ongoing stress and the frequent late nights must have finally taken a toll on my body. Thankfully it’s a Sunday and my schedule only involved a late shooting for the show I host.

From the open bedroom door, I know Atsuko’s already gone to work. So much for conversation. As I rub the crookedness from my neck, I turn on the television. I start my daily routine – at least from when I can - when I hear the entertainment news.

“So what do you think of this morning’s results?”

“Well I didn’t expect any much difference. However, it would be a lie to say I wasn’t surprised to have two former AKB members to be nominated.”

“Yes it definitely was unexpected to hear both Oshima Yuko and Maeda Atsuko to be nominated.”

I jump when I hear Atsuko’s name, my teeth sinking painfully into my toothbrush. Running out, I watch the remaining news.

“Oshima Yuko for the Best Supporting Actress and Maeda Atsuko for Best Leading Actress in a drama series. It will be interesting to see how it turns out. And in only a week no less. Let’s hope for the best for them.”

As the two go on to discuss the other nominees, I sit on the sofa. Even though the toothpaste is drying around my mouth and burning on the tip of my tongue, I can only think of two things.

Atsuko was nominated? How come she never told me?

Because you guys are fighting.

That’s right. Of course she wouldn’t have told me. We haven’t seen each other properly, so how would she have told me. Has it really only been two days since I’ve spoken to Atsuko? It feels like a lifetime. I’ve only gotten up, but already I want to lie back down.

Even though it was expected, I was still hurt. I know how the entertainment world works, and I am certain that Atsuko would have heard about the nomination last night. Couldn’t she have woken me up and told me? She used to wake me up at 4am just to tell me about her dream. I can’t even imagine the look of excitement Atsuko might have worn, her exclaim of disbelief, the sparkle of passion in her eyes.

I bite down on my toothbrush again, but this time voluntarily. It’s so frustrating. I just want to lie in my own bed, pray for emptiness. I don’t want to think or feel anymore. This ache is too much. I just want to sleep, become numb, until it was all over. However, it isn’t going to be over until one of us makes a move. A move that we are both reluctant to make. Yet, deep down, we know that we have to for our relationship. However, I don’t either of us even know when to begin.

Finally heading back to the bathroom, I spit out the white paste, wash my mouth of my own bitterness, and wipe my face. I stare my reflection, my uneasy eyes gazing back at me. Like Atsuko – and many others – said, I make a great leader. I am not modest enough to deny that. Yet, why was it that I can make inspiring speeches, but couldn’t say a single word to the person who’s supposed to be the love of my life. Why was Atsuko the one person I couldn’t communicate with? Why is it, that even though I want to do something, I just can’t? Why is it, that I’m even asking these questions in the first place?

Ever since that argument, I feel like I’m only taking wrong turns. Maybe we are just both introverts when it came to each other or both betas desiring to be the alpha, so leaving things unspoken due to pride and stubbornness. Considering how long it took us to form a relationship, it’s no wonder I find it difficult to speak. It’s still fragile. However, there is no mistaking; I love Atsuko to the deepest parts of me. That’s probably why these two days have hurt so much.

We have been together for nearly 11 months now, and it was nearing our one year anniversary. New Year’s Day. A mile stone is about to appear and I can’t help but think one of us is going to slip.

However, I won’t let it happen. Suddenly, last night’s determination fills me. I find my reflection smiling at me. Tonight. Tonight I will finally speak to Atsuko.

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When I wake, it is to the sound of the recapped announcement of the Jemmy Awards. There’s a crick in my neck from falling asleep on the couch and my body feels itchy from falling asleep in clothes other than my pyjamas. It’s late afternoon already. Crying really does take a toll on the body. However, as an avid follower of dramas, I watch and listen carefully. I can’t believe I missed the live announcement. But then again, considering what happened yesterday, who could blame me.

I see Acchan’s face appear on the screen and for a moment I feel happiness. Finally, Acchan is being recognised. I’m so proud of her. I need to make sure to congratulate her. As time passes, other names and faces fly by and I am about to get up, when suddenly Yuko’s face appears. I freeze but then, in a moment, she’s gone. I want to congratulate her. But I can’t. All because we are fighting.

The pain in my chest feels infinite. I miss her. I just miss her so much. So much that it displaces my feelings of anger, guilt and regret. Does Yuko feel as much hurt as I do? Love is when someone else’s happiness is your happiness. So, if my pain is her pain, is that hate?

Maybe I jumped the gun. Surely I should trust Yuko enough to know that she didn’t do anything. From the look on her face, Yuko looked like she had something else to say. And yet, I can’t shake off this heavy feeling of doubt. It’s crushing and I don’t have the strength to free myself from it. Trust is like glass, it can easily be broken but almost impossible to fix. And once it has taken shape again, it’s still not as strong as it once was. If only Yuko could reassure me. But we’re not talking.

If only I were stronger.

Thankfully I don’t have anything scheduled today. I can’t bear to face anyone. Even though I know Yuko wouldn’t be at the theatre due to filming, I don’t think I even have the energy to set foot outside the apartment. Instead I just mindlessly watch the television and wait for everything to subside.

However, of course the day passes slowly. I try to mindlessly carry tasks such as cooking and cleaning, doing my best to keep my mind of Yuko. Yet, my brain connected everything I sensed to a memory of Yuko. It ranged from where Yuko sat eating the cereal I prepared to remembering when we moved in the new sofa and managed to scuff the floor near the front door. I guess I still loved her because when you love someone, thinking of them is like breathing. You do without thinking and you do it all the time.

When it eventually becomes too much, I step outside to the small balcony. I gaze at the quickly darkening sky. Night is beautiful when you’re happy, a vast opening for great possibilities; yet a horrible abyss when you are lonely. This is the time when I miss Yuko the most. When everything is quiet and the silence reminds me that I am not sleeping next to her.

And when the darkness spreads, when I return to the bedroom and I rest my head against the cool pillow, I hope for one thing. It is that I get to sleep quickly because when you sleep, things just don’t seem as bad anymore.

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I sit quietly on the set’s sofa, briefly going through the outline of today’s script. I see the name of our guest – Itaki Mizuki. For some reason, the name sounds familiar but I’m already to nervous to think straight. My co-stars are busily chatting amongst themselves, but I can only smile and give half-hearted reactions. Even though my resolve is unshaken from this morning, the promise with myself still makes me nervous.

I am such a hypocrite. I tell everyone else to keep holding on, that everything is going to be fine, that’s there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, here I was, barely holding on. Fear is something many underestimate, but I think they don’t know what true fear is. It’s the gripping cold that freezes your movements. It’s the horror that everything you choose will end in disaster. It’s the feeling of completely uselessness as you have no control over your life and where you’re going. Fear was something I embraced and fought to conquer. However, at this moment, it was neck and neck. 

When Itaki Mizuki arrives, I immediately recognise her. She was the one that is in Atsuko’s drama. Suddenly, something clicks in my head. She is the Mizuki that Atsuko went out to dinner with last night. She was the person that took away the time I should have spent with Atsuko, sorting this whole situation out. Even though this is the first time I met her, I can’t help but feel disgruntled. However, I hate to admit it; she was even prettier in person. Plus, she greeted everyone happily, even going as far to say she admired me. It was definitely a surprise to hear; especially at Itaki Mizuki was the up-and-coming talent to watch out her. She is surprisingly humble, a quality with I appreciate. Perhaps I can let my guard down slightly. Besides, I have something of higher priority.

The director gives the signal that the show is about the start. It begins smoothly, with Mizuki-san starting off great, even though my heart is pummelling against my chest. It’s as if time has slowed since the filming began. The five minutes since we went live, felt like an hour. I am completely on edge, but I put on a strong front. I’ve made a career of putting on a steady face, even when I was trembling inside. Then, I sense my co-host is about to ask the question about the Jemmy’s.

This was it. My statement. From what I am about to say, it may seem like nothing to others. However, to Astuko, it might mean everything.

[atsukojiyuu_C]

finally an update~!! 
well, KojiYuu is going worst and worst... my heart sunk deep to the dark...
glad to have Miichan there, help Yuko sort the things out.
AtsuMina in a big gap to.. wondering when will they make it up, both KojiYuu and Atsumina 
thankyou melon-san, hope to see the next soon 

[sastio13]

yeay i've been silent reader,
but i cant hold it anymore to make a comment hehehe
i just wanna say, please keep writing & continue this fic melon-lover! 
arigatou gozaimashu