PART 14
YOSSY - AUGUST 25TH
Miki was sitting on the couch, staring out the window. She seemed lost in her own thoughts. Her hair was tangled and messy. There were dark circles under her eyes. The setting sun coming through the window lit up her profile. She looked so tired and so beautiful, like a war-weary goddess.
I almost turned around and walked right back out.
She turned her head and looked at me. For a split second, I wanted to ask where Miki was. I mean... it was Miki, but it wasn't. She didn't have that sparkle, that fire in her eyes. I began to fear that maybe in that one stupid drunken bender, I really had destroyed everything beyond repair.
"Yossy, what are you doing here?" she said finally, turning away from me to look out the window again.
"We need to talk," I replied.
"I told you. I can't talk to you right now," she sighed.
"Then hit me."
"What!?" That got her attention.
"Hit me. Punch me. Kick me. Throw something at me. I don't care." She rolled her eyes.
"Yossy, I'm not going to hit you."
"You're not going to do much of anything are you?" I demanded. She stood up and faced me.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Miki asked, a edge of annoyance creeping into her voice
"It means you're refusing to deal with this. You're hiding here at Aya's refusing to see me or talk to me or do anything. You can't just keep bottling this in, Miki. I know you're pissed and I know you don't want to hurt me, but I deserve it at this point. So, if you can't talk, just hit me."
She looked down at the floor and said nothing. Shit. My mom was right. It was all or nothing now.
"So that's it?" I asked quietly.
"You should go," she said stiffly, walking away from me. She started fiddling with some knickknacks on the bookshelf.
"Dammit, Miki, don't fucking do this!" I exclaimed, stalking over to her. I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her towards me. She looked down at the floor. "I know, okay? I know you're trying to hold back. I know you don't want to hurt me, but this is killing you. I'm not worth it, okay?! I fucked up. I didn't believe in you. I got stupid. I got drunk and I cheated on you. I'm a complete and total jackass."
"And?" And?
"...I'm sorry," I said finally. She started laughing and looked up at me. The fire was back in her eyes.
"'Sorry'?" she mimicked. "You're sorry? You go off and fuck Goto and all you keep saying is 'I'm sorry'?"
"It's true! What do you want me to say?"
"How about why? Don't you trust me by now? Haven't I proven over and over again that I'd do anything for you?!"
"Miki..."
"Don't 'Miki...' me," she rolled her eyes. "You're apparently the holy child who can do no wrong. Oh! Yossy and Fujimoto have had a fight! Fujimoto must have cheated on her!"
"Ok, that's not my fault," I protested. "You apparently left them crazy messages - "
"Yeah, I did! I was panicked trying to find you. Of course, I didn't know that you'd lost your fucking mind and run off to bang Maki."
"I walked in on you making out with Aya - who I had just said had a crush on you. Yes, I should have trusted you or at least stuck around long enough to find out what the hell was going on. And, no, that's not an excuse for what I did, but I mean... what was I supposed to think?"
"Oh, I don't know - something besides 'I'm gonna get drunk and go visit my ex who likes to touch her boobies'?" she snapped sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
"I didn't go visit her," I sighed.
"Drunk dial? 'Hey, Gocchiiiiin, can I check out your boob job?'"
"No, we ran into each other at the bar or something. I kind of remember her suddenly appearing next to me."
"Wait. You 'kind of' remember? Yossy, do you even remember what you did!?" Miki stared at me incredulously.
"Only bits and pieces."
"Only... so, what, you remember running into her and then being up-close-and-personal with her Some Boys! Touch?" God, I wanted to kiss her so much right then.
"I don't remember that part at all," I admitted.
"What?" she gaped at me. "Are you sure you even slept with her?"
"Yeah, I mean..." I sighed. "Miki, I just do, ok? You don't want to hear about this."
"Quite frankly, I don't think there's anything you could say that would be worse than what I see in my mind every time I look at you."
"...fine." I walked over to where I'd laid my purse when I walked in. I pulled out that damn note and shoved it into her hand. "Happy?"
"...'trouble walking'? What the hell, did she sodomize you or something?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Very funny."
"Thanks. ...'I won't tell Miki'... yeah, I bet you won't... 'Korea'... oh that's where she went... 'spare keys'...huh" she looked a little thoughtful as she handed it back to me. I shoved it back into my purse. "That doesn't really prove anything."
"I woke up naked in her bed, Miki." She flinched. "And I remember enough..."
"That bitch."
"What?" I stared at her blankly. She was shaking her head and looking down.
"I can't believe she would do this. I knew she still had a thing for you, but to take advantage of you when you were like that..."
"Wait, you're blaming all of this on Maki?!" I blinked.
"Oh, not completely. You shouldn't have been drunk off your ass. You shouldn't have been willing to sleep with her. But she sure as hell shouldn't have fucked someone who didn't know what the hell they were doing," she snapped.
"Miki!"
"Please, it's true. She was sober, you were smashed. So, yeah, I do blame her. And when she gets back from wherever the hell she's crawled off to now - "
"She's sick."
"Oh, right. With Nono's fake 'I'm pregnant' illness. Right. She probably just didn't want to come back and own up to what she's done."
"Ok, you know what?" I snapped. "You need to get off your high horse. You're not completely blameless in this mess." She glared at me. "Yeah, I shouldn't have gotten drunk. Yeah, I sure as hell shouldn't have slept with her. But, you shouldn't have been off with your tongue in Aya's mouth! Don't act like you had nothing to do with this!"
Her eyes narrowed. I knew I'd gone too far. But I couldn't take the words back.
She slapped me across the face. Hard.
I stumbled back a little, bumping into the couch. Tears were slowly rolling down Miki's cheeks as she glared at me.
"Don't you fucking blame this on me," she said in a low voice. "I'm an idiot, but you should have trusted me."
"You're right," I replied, rubbing my cheek.
"Damn straight I'm right," she sniffed, angrily wiping away some of her still-falling tears. "You - "
"I'm sorry," I said quietly.
"I know." She took a shaky breath. We looked at each other silently.
"Can we work through this?" I asked finally, scared to hear the answer.
"I don't know," she replied, sniffling. "I... God, I want to. I just... every single time I think about you, I think about it. Every time I see you, I..." she trailed off and looked up at me. "It would be easier if I could just hate you and be done with it."
"Ok, I'll... " I sighed. "I'll leave it up to you, then. I don't want to push you, but... I love you and I miss you." I reached down and picked my purse back up.
"Don't..." She was crying harder now.
"What?" God, she looked so miserable. I wanted to hold her, to comfort her, to make this all go away.
"Just... don't..." she managed to get out.
She walked forward and leaned her head against my chest, her tears making damp spots on my shirt. I hesitantly put my arms around her. Miki grabbed the edge of my shirt and held onto it for dear life, leaning into me like she didn't have the strength to stand any more. I slowly maneuvered us backwards onto the couch and kissed the top of her head.
"I love you," I said quietly, rubbing her back.
"I love you, too," she sobbed into my shirt.
I opened my eyes when I heard the door unlock. Miki was asleep, still half laying on me, her face streaked with dried tears. I had my chin resting on the top of her head and was still absentmindedly rubbing her back. Aya opened the door and cautiously stepped inside.
"Tan?" she called. She looked over at me and a small smile appeared on her face. I put my finger to my lips. Aya walked over to us. "Fixed?"
"No," I said quietly, shaking my head. I looked down at the sleeping girl in my arms. "But it's a start."
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I'm quite nervous about this part since I built up to it SO much, so please do comment.
Topic: [END] memoir III: memory (I SLAYED THE BEAST!) (Read 155824 times)