OK! Here it is by popular demand.
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PART 15
MIKI - AUGUST 25TH
I sat on the couch and stared out the window, much like I'd been doing for the past few days. It was strange for me to be thinking so much. I'd always been one to act first, think later.
But, I couldn't do that right now. I didn't even know why anymore.
At first, I was trying to protect her. That first night, when she told me that she'd... done that, she looked so hurt, so lost, so disgusted. I didn't want to add to that; I couldn't do that to her no matter what she'd done to me.
But now... I didn't know anymore. Logically, I knew I was angry. Logically, I knew I was hurt deeply. But, I couldn't feel it right now. The phrase 'beside myself with anger' finally made sense to me. I was so upset, I wasn't even feeling it anymore.
I was just calmly looking out the window, almost in awe of how pissed off I was.
Calmly looking out the window, unable to stop thinking about her and Goto having sex.
Calmly looking out the window, watching Yossy's car drive up and park out front of the building.
Wait, what?
I sat up a little and peered out the window. Sure enough, she stepped out of the car and headed inside. I leaned back and sighed. I didn't even move when I heard the door open. For some reason, I wasn't even surprised.
I could feel her eyes on me, studying me. I knew I looked like hell. I'd barely been sleeping the past few days. Every time I closed my eyes, I'd see them together. Finally, I turned and looked at her. We stared at each other silently for a moment.
"Yossy, what are you doing here?" I sighed, turning back to look out the window.
"We need to talk." Her voice was steady, determined.
"I told you. I can't talk to you right now," I replied.
"Then hit me."
"What!?" I exclaimed, turning to gape at her.
"Hit me. Punch me. Kick me. Throw something at me. I don't care." Her serious eyes searched mine.
"Yossy, I'm not going to hit you," I replied, rolling my eyes.
"You're not going to do much of anything are you?" she challenged. My eyes narrowed and I stood up to face her.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded.
"It means you're refusing to deal with this," she replied. I rolled my eyes. "You're hiding here at Aya's refusing to see me or talk to me or do anything. You can't just keep bottling this in, Miki. I know you're pissed and I know you don't want to hurt me, but I deserve it at this point. So, if you can't talk, just hit me."
I looked down at the floor and didn't reply. Yossy, I can't say anything to you because I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I rebuilt my entire world around you and it crumbled at my feet. I need you near me, but I can't even look at you right now.
"So that's it?" she said quietly. I walked past her and started rearranging the figurines on Aya's bookshelf.
"You should go," I replied, fighting back the tears behind my eyes that were threatening to fall.
"Dammit, Miki, don't fucking do this" Yossy yelled.
She grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around to face her. I looked at the floor, trying to compose myself. Even now, even like this, her touch was gentle, like I was her most prized possession.
Did you touch her like that?
"I know, okay?" Yossy continued. "I know you're trying to hold back. I know you don't want to hurt me, but this is killing you. I'm not worth it, okay?!"
Then you don't know. Don't say you're not worth it. You're worth everything to me.
"I fucked up. I didn't believe in you. I got stupid. I got drunk and I cheated on you. I'm a complete and total jackass."
"And?" I asked, wondering why she was saying all this. What did she want me to do exactly? What did she expect from me? Am I supposed to agree and that's it. All happy shiny rainbows? Take me right here, right now on the floor? Are you kidding me?
"I'm sorry," she said after a long pause. I started laughing almost hysterically. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
"'Sorry'?" I mocked, looking up at her. "You're sorry?! You go off and fuck Goto and all you keep saying is 'I'm sorry'?"
"It's true!" she protested. "What do you want me to say?" That it never happened. That you didn't really throw us away for one drunken night with her. That you've still never touched anyone like that but me.
"How about why? Don't you trust me by now? Haven't I proven over and over again that I'd do anything for you?!" She sighed.
"Miki..."
"Don't 'Miki...' me," I mimicked. "You're apparently the holy child who can do no wrong." I grasped my hands together and put on a high-pitched voice. "Oh! Yossy and Fujimoto have had a fight! Fujimoto must have cheated on her!"
"Ok, that's not my fault. You apparently left them crazy messages - "
"Yeah, I did!" I cut her off. "I was panicked trying to find you. Of course, I didn't know that you'd lost your fucking mind and run off to bang Maki." Yossy sighed.
"I walked in on you making out with Aya - who I had just said had a crush on you. Yes, I should have trusted you or at least stuck around long enough to find out what the hell was going on. And, no, that's not an excuse for what I did, but I mean... what was I supposed to think?"
"Oh, I don't know - something besides 'I'm gonna get drunk and go visit my ex who likes to touch her boobies'?" I retorted.
"I didn't go visit her."
"Drunk dial?" I guessed. "'Hey, Gocchiiiiin, can I check out your boob job?'" Yossy gave me a look.
"No, we ran into each other at the bar or something. I kind of remember her suddenly appearing next to me." I raised an eyebrow.
"Wait. You 'kind of' remember?" I stared at her in disbelief. "Yossy, do you even remember what you did!?"
"Only bits and pieces," she admitted.
"Only... so, what, you remember running into her and then being up-close-and-personal with her Some Boys! Touch?" I snapped.
"I don't remember that part at all," she replied quietly.
"What?" My jaw dropped and a tiny bit of hope flickered in my chest. "Are you sure you even slept with her?" Maybe she hadn't. I mean, this IS the same woman who had no idea I was the same girl she'd violated in a closet all those years ago.
...Damn, that was hot.
"Yeah, I mean...." she sighed heavily, drawing my attention back to reality. "Miki, I just do, ok? You don't want to hear about this."
"Quite frankly, I don't think there's anything you could say that would be worse than what I see in my mind every time I look at you," I replied honestly. She gritted her teeth in annoyance.
"fine." She stalked over to her purse and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. She shoved it into my hand. "Happy?" she practically spat out. I unfolded the paper, smoothing it out a little. My eyes scanned over the writing.
"...'trouble walking'? What the hell, did she sodomize you or something?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Very funny." I grinned despite myself.
"Thanks....'I won't tell Miki'... yeah, I bet you won't... 'Korea'... oh that's where she went... 'spare keys'" I paused while my brain tried to put two and two together. "...huh." I handed the note back to her. She threw it into her purse like she never wanted to see it again. "That doesn't really prove anything," I pointed out.
"I woke up naked in her bed, Miki,." she replied quietly. I flinched as my tiny ray of hope vanished. "And I remember enough..." I shook my head.
"That bitch," I muttered.
"What?"
"I can't believe she would do this." I shook my head. "I knew she still had a thing for you, but to take advantage of you when you were like that..."
"Wait, you're blaming all of this on Maki?!"
"Oh, not completely," I conceded. "You shouldn't have been drunk off your ass. You shouldn't have been willing to sleep with her. But she sure as hell shouldn't have fucked someone who didn't know what the hell they were doing."
"Miki!" She sounded so shocked, I almost wanted to pat her on the head. Poor innocent, naive little Yocchan. So trusting.
"Please, it's true. She was sober, you were smashed. So, yeah, I do blame her. And when she gets back from wherever the hell she's crawled off to now - "
"She's sick," Yossy interrupted me.
"Oh, right. With Nono's fake 'I'm pregnant' illness. Right. She probably just didn't want to come back and own up to what she's done," I rolled my eyes.
"Ok, you know what?" she snapped. "You need to get off your high horse. You're not completely blameless in this mess."
EXCUSE ME?!
"Yeah, I shouldn't have gotten drunk."
Shut up.
"Yeah, I sure as hell shouldn't have slept with her."
Shut up!
"But, you shouldn't have been off with your tongue in Aya's mouth! Don't act like you had nothing to do with this!"
Shut up shut up shut up!
Before I knew what I was doing, I'd slapped her full across the face. She stumbled back a little and hit the couch. To my horror, I realized I was crying.
"Don't you fucking blame this on me," I choked out. "I'm an idiot, but you should have trusted me."
"You're right," she admitted, rubbing her red cheek.
"Damn straight, I'm right!" I angrily swatted away my falling tears. "You -"
"I'm sorry," she quietly interrupted me. I looked at her through my tears.
"I know," I replied. We stared at each other silently. There was nothing left to say.
"Can we work through this?" she asked quietly.
"I don't know," I admitted. I sniffed again. Stupid crying. "I... God, I want to." I don't think you'll ever know how much. "I just... every single time I think about you, I think about it. Every time I see you, I..." I trailed off and looked up at her. God, she was so beautiful. "It would be easier if I could just hate you and be done with it."
"Ok, I'll... " she trailed off and sighed. "I'll leave it up to you, then. I don't want to push you, but... I love you and I miss you." What? She reached down and picked her purse up off the floor. No...
"Don't..." I couldn't get the words out.
"What?" The worry clouding her eyes made me cry harder. I couldn't stop. Don't leave me. Don't go. I need you.
Please, don't go.
"Just... don't..." I choked out. I stepped towards her, leaned my forehead against her warm chest, and cried.
After a moment, she hesitantly put her arms around me, like she was afraid of breaking me. My fists balled up the edge of her shirt and I clung to her, almost unable to move. She tightened her embrace and slowly moved backwards until I found myself on the couch, half-laying on top of her sitting figure. She leaned back against the corner pillows and rubbed my back softly. She kissed the top of my head as I cried harder than I've ever cried before.
"I love you," she said softly.
"I love you, too," I replied, my voice distorted by my tears.
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