PART 20
MAKI - JULY 2002
I still remember that meeting.
To this day, I can still feel the draft coming in from the window on the left side, see the fluorescent light bulb trying to flicker back to life in the corner, hear the words echoing in my head.
"Unacceptable"
"A bad example for the younger members"
"Must stop immediately"
"Graduation"
I can still feel myself smiling politely, nodding, apologizing. I walked out of the room and told no one.
I'm still not sure why. Maybe a small part of me thought that if I didn't say anything, it wouldn't really happen. Maybe I just wanted to pretend for a little bit longer that nothing would change. Maybe I was just a coward.
We managed to meet up a week or so later at my place. I said nothing, choosing instead to lose myself in her kisses. I wanted to forget everything else. I just wanted to forget everything. Even just for a moment. I wanted nothing else to matter but the two of us in that moment. I didn't even notice she was being more aggressive than normal until I felt her hand slip into my jeans and her fingers gently slide along under the waistband of my panties. I stiffened in surprise and pulled away from her.
"Yossy?"
"I want you," she said quietly, her eyes dark and serious. My cheeks began to burn and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. She leaned down and kissed me again. My mind racing, I gently pushed her away and sat up.
"Yocchan, I... " I looked away from her so she couldn't see my face. "I don't think I'm ready yet," I lied. I was ready. I wanted her so badly it hurt. But... if I had her like that, if I was able to be with her like that... I'd never be able to let go.
I'm still not sure if it's the smartest or stupidest thing I've ever done.
"Ah well, it was worth a try," she laughed. I looked up and she grinned at me. Shit. I had to tell her. Right now. "So, what do you want to do then? Movie?"
"We can still make out," I laughed, trying to stall as I mustered up the courage.
"Mmm, yeah, not a good idea right now," she replied. "I'd probably jump you, so... movie?" Her eyes sparkled as she smiled sheepishly at me. I lost my nerve and just nodded in agreement.
About two weeks later, I decided I was finally going to tell her. Tonight. No putting it off again, no falling prey to those eyes, no distractions. I looked at myself in the dressing room mirror and nodded. You can do it, Maki.
The dressing room door opened and I glanced behind me. Yossy was leaning against the door with her eyes closed.
"Hey!" I said happily, turning around in my chair.
She opened her eyes and looked at me. Her eyes were ice cold, angry, hurt. I almost physically flinched as her stare bore right into me. I couldn't take it anymore and looked down at my lap.
"You've heard," I said softly.
"Yes," she said sharply. I bit my lip.
"I'm sorry."
"Were you planning on telling me?" she demanded. Without looking up, I turned my head away from her.
"I knew I had to, but I just..." I trailed off helplessly.
"Yeah," she snorted.
"I - "
"So when's the happy day?" she cut me off, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "When do I get to stand in front of thousands of screaming fanboys and proclaim happily 'Gocchin! Congratulatioooons!!'?" I looked up at her sadly.
"Don't be like this," I said quietly.
"Like what? Do you really think that we can sneak around with you off on your own tours? How often do we see Nakazawa anymore? A handful of TV tapings and the group concerts? You can't sustain a relationship on that, can you?" she snapped.
Of course not, I wanted to scream, that was the whole point. But what can you do? What can I do?
I didn't say anything.
"How long have you known?" she asked finally.
"...a month," I admitted.
"A MONTH!?" she practically screamed. There was a knock at the door.
"Goto! 20 minutes!" a stagehand called in. I sighed.
"Can't we talk about this later?" I asked, standing up to grab the hat for my costume.
"Couldn't we talk about this before?" she snapped.
"I didn't want to hurt you."
"Uh, too late?" she rolled her eyes. I'd never seen her like this before.
"Why are you so angry at me? This isn't my decision!" I protested, trying to fight back the tears threatening to fall.
"I know,"she sighed. "Just... tell me honestly. Is there any chance of this still working out when we can't ever see each other? Is there?"
I looked away from her, looked all around the room, anything to avoid those pleading eyes. I wanted to grab her hands and tell her of course, we could work through anything. But... it's not like defying management would get us anywhere except fired. Wasn't it better to end this now, cleanly, before even stronger feelings got into the mix? ...before anyone fell in love?
"Ok," Yossy spoke so suddenly, I jumped a little. "If you could, um, go through your apartment and find my things, and I'll do the same, and, um... yeah..." She spun around and left the room.
"I'm so sorry..." I whispered as the door shut. I sank down into my chair and knew.
It was too late. I was already in love.
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Would this be a good time to mention that I'm going out of town on Thursday and won't be back until late on the 29th? *ducks*
Topic: [END] memoir III: memory (I SLAYED THE BEAST!) (Read 156063 times)