Ever felt like it would actually hurt, physically, to write something?
I sometimes find myself a poor writer because of that. I need to be able to write anything in order to show that I can be professional about my writing. Unfortunately, there are some things I find so difficult to write that I would sooner smash my head into the nearest wall than write it.
The worst thing? It's not even a bad thing. It's a completely happy and fluffy topic
and it hurts me to write it because I had something like that and lost it. Lmao. I can't bear to write best friends-turned-lovers pairings because I'm too bitter to do so. So sorry, TakaGaki and RihoKanon are out of the picture for me. Actually, TakaGaki isn't too bad, I can actually write them because, well, they work and I don't see them as the typical best friend type pairing, even if they give off similar vibes. I simply cannot write SayaSuzu (or RihoKanon) though, because it cuts too close to the bone and I have an automatic gag reflex and my mind starts flashing burglar alarms and wailing sirens when I see SayaSuzu in any potentially romantic situation. My mind goes NO NO DON'T DO IT RIHO IT'LL HURT YOU STOPPPPP. My prejudices are showing.
I wonder if past trauma contributes to this internal reaction. I'm trying very hard to curb it in order to challenge myself to write something I can't. But I identify too strongly with Riho -- the kid reminds me of myself, before I was broken from a number of traumatic experiences in my life. I remember being as smug as her, as confident, and as capable (but at different things). I see the girl and am reminded of myself before I got hurt and embittered in life. That's why she's my oshi, really. I love her because I miss the me that was. That could have been. Wow, self-identification much?
And yes I'm a narcissist I know this.
Loving myself too much *bricked*
But yeah. I can't do it to Riho. Like, wow, I don't you to get hurt. I'VE BEEN THERE AND IT'S SHIT. GIRL, JUST BE ALONE. IT'S SAFER. REALLY. Some people aren't really meant to date. We make excellent friends and good listeners. I found it highly hilarious that Riho's classmates go to her for advice with friends or relationships
Just like how people approach me for help with things they can't solve. Riho has that kind of presence. That she'll listen to you seriously and advise you as best as she can. That's the type of person she is. She's not the person that you go to first for fun and games (that would be Eripon
), but she's the person you end up complaining to about the shit happens in your day, when you need someone to listen seriously and give you advice. She's that friend you won't look for first when you have a party, but the first person to call when you have a problem. I don't want to identify with the kid, but I do. I really do. That need for perfectionism within, the stoic demeanour outside, the way she likes to tease people but can't really handle it when they turn the tables on her. That she can be completely serious and professional and totally derpy at the same time. I get that girl. She's bipolar, just a little, but she's great fun if you know how to get to her. I like how she's shy, but once she gets comfortable with you she's all silly and stuff despite coming off as being too serious when you didn't know her. That she actually really wants to be more outgoing and brighter in personality the way Eripon is all social and stuff, but can't work up the guts to be, so she ends up lurking at the sides instead, until someone notices and invites her in. But if she's comfortable around you she'll be all kittenish and will initiate physical contact randomly (ie, with Kanon). I don't even have to think to put on her skin. I'm already there, just older and bitter and broken in a few unseen places and I have to turn off my older self and reach for that younger, still hopeful part of my past personality in order to write the kid. It's wonderful and painful to wear that skin again. Because I can see pain if the wrong steps are made. That's why I can't write her into any pairing properly. I will screw it up because all my relationships have been screwed up.
Well, technically I can write a relationship that works for her. As a writer I can do it. I know I can. It's easy to write something that works. But a little voice at the back of my head wants to spare the kid all that. Just let her be alone. YOUR SANITY, GIRL. DON'T DO IT. BAD IDEA.
Wow. Too much identification going on here. I was an Ai-wota, and I wrote Ai into so many fucked up situations, but it has always been a challenge to put on her skin. It's harder for me. We have similar interests, Ai and I, but I have always seen her as someone different, very radically different in personality from me. I would have done different things if put in her position. When I write her doing things, I write what I think she would do, not what I think I would do, because our ethos are very different. But when it comes to Riho...that line between her and I is blurred to the extreme. Riho, in my headcanon, is like a cross between Reina and Ai, and if anyone has read NR, I used to say that the whole ReinAi relationship there felt like a hybrid of myself in totality. I am neither Reina nor Ai in there, I am the relationship itself. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but basically if ReinAi had a kid it'd be Riho (and me
). Hence MSF?
But yeah.
There ARE significant differences between me and Riho, of course. We're not the same person. I know this. But personality-wise there are enough similarities to chill me, and I don't want to identify with her, because I grew up to be kinda fucked in the head, and I'm pretty sure I don't want anyone to become anything like me.
For one thing, I never oversleep, I'm never late, and I tend not to forget stuff (only sometimes...). Of course, I can't dance, my singing sucks (wait...
) , and I can't really do calligraphy. Well, actually I can, but it's been years and I might have forgotten how to. Yes, I have taken lessons before.
Gee.
It's funny. I like Riho because she's a possibility. I enjoy her professionalism. I want to see her grow up to be an amazing person. It feels like living vicariously. She's my favourite because I identify with her, but it's becoming a liability when I write fic because I identify TOO MUCH with her.
Pros and cons I guess.
I'll work on it. Got a couple of SayaSuzu thingies to work with recently, but need to get over internal blocks first. Help meeeeeee!!!