Hm it's been a while since this rant hole has been used for anything.
Guess I might as well put it to use, since, well, I have a problem.
Writing just isn't so fun anymore.
Well. I love to think of new ideas, of telling stories in my head and word craft. But I don't want to share any more. It's too tiring to balance with work and all my other commitments. I have a ton of ideas, some of which I want to follow up on, but some will probably never ever see light of day. Yet even with those I want to follow up on, when I want to write, either something interrupts me (gah, responsibility sucks), or I pause and go "why would anyone care?".
The first is inevitable. Work is a necessary evil, and it's the only thing keeping me alive and sane, sadly. I've turned into a workaholic to avoid getting depressed. Lol.
The second though, seems to go a great deal deeper. Let's face it, I'm not very good with finishing stories. I have a ton of unfinished stories out there, as anyone who has been around the fanfic section for the past couple of years probably knows. The only thing I've officially completed is Nanchatte Renai, and it's still my favorite baby that actually grew up, even though it makes me sad when I reread it. And oddly accomplished, since it's over for good. Lol.
But with all my unfinished stuff, I feel like I should get back to them, but they all seem so lacking. I've changed in the time I've been away from those stories, and the perspectives and themes I've held for them when I began writing are now...not the same. Going back feels different, and may change the direction of the stories entirely. Which I could reasonably still do and retcon away, but the whole business just tires me out.
I guess it's because I've lost a support group in the whole fanfic business here. Writing is less fun without a sounding board, especially with the fun stuff and crack. The best crack I've ever written was spawned out of crazy convos with equally nutty people at ungodly hours that sends my brain on overdrive. Shared excitement makes the whole experience more entertaining, and it's a genuine source of motivation. It's hard to come up with perfectly insane and hilariously funny things on a consistent basis unless you're just crazy like that, or on a phase (or on drugs, who knows). Inspiration comes from life and living. And living usually means other people.
I don't really have that anymore. My usual group moved on. Of course, they're growing up and/or getting more involved with either real life or other fandoms. I feel like I'm trapped on a sinking ship and it just feels so hard trying to bail all the water out. And then there's a new ship with new crew out there. Not my generation anymore, for sure. I feel oddly out of place, an antique in a changing fandom that doesn't need an emo who doesn't update regularly. So even if I have something new, something I genuinely like, I don't feel the motivation to post. I feel kinda silly getting excited about something, but everyone around me is like "oh, you're still at it?" and just making me feel weirdly trivial. Comments are nice and all, but I miss my old dynamic relationships with a few close confidants.
I feel like I'm missing something when I don't write. けど、それでいいかも。
And now I return to my usual mode of silence. Please ignore.