I'm afraid I still think of my comment as nothing more than me expressing what I like and dislike about a fiction. (Though I hardly find things I dislike unless it's about a specific character or two, lol.) After getting through the second day of another school week, I finally have time to settle down and type my comment. Keep in mind that as you read through the post, you'll notice that my comment is entirely based off from my live reading. So I apologize ahead of time for any ridiculous questions that sprout from here. I'm sure it'll be immediately answered the more I read throughout the update.
A N Y W A Y
I find it unique of the two notice before the start of Chapter 1.
The story blocks are in chronological order, but not necessarily on the same day, as you will see while reading on
Some words have links for you to click on so you can get the reference needed
Interesting how the story will progress in chronological order, but it won't occur on the same day. Most fictions follow the formula of A
C in regard to time. Time and setting plays a huge role in creating the atmosphere, so I look forward to seeing how this will be executed in this first chapter so far. I also have high hopes once again that this won't stumble and fall into a direction where unnecessary confusion greets us readers. And alright, I will hand it to you, the first link I clicked on created a louder response than I had thought from myself. Good for the fanboys/fangirls, great for the visualization aid, and awesome for the one-time shock factor of references for us readers to indulge in. I literally went:
"Oh, so this is the mentioned links. Is it going to be about a definition or some kind of--"
"..." sees Miyuki dressed and posed in such way from the link
"Wow... Totally did NOT see that coming."
The transition is smooth between Tomomi's (Itano) and Miyuki's mischievous adventure. It wasn't so wordy to the point I would've fallen asleep nor is it so fast that I was forced to reread the beginning part of the chapter. It gets straight to the point, and that delivery is appropriately made. When they got out of the car, that written part about grabbing Tomochin's hand gave me some serious flashback of "The Handmaiden (Korean)" movie for some reason... But that might just be me. What kind of mischief are they up to?
A loud crack ripped the air in the forest and a flock of birds flew up from the trees.
What is this? This is quite a shock. Abruptly slapped in between the two larger text... What is this suppose to mean? I'm theorizing that there's a possibility someone is getting whipped... then again, I might be watching and reading too many horrific tales from history and novels. I doubt it could be someone breaking their bones. Never recalled reading up on a situation where cracking even the strongest bone in your skeletal system would terrify the birds from the trees. (Keeping in mind that it's more than one tree too!) Prayers that someone isn't getting whipped so hard that multiple birds had to fly away from the loud sound. In a more innocent sense, it could be a tree having cracked from some supernatural occasion... or a random noise production from an unidentified source. Ah, I feel like I'm going nowhere with this sentence alone. Maybe even overthinking it in the wrong direction. However, your choice of placing the isolate sentence and mysterious atmosphere that emits from it is really poking the curious side of my mind.
Moving onward, this is going to be a bit more difficult for me to swallow since I see new members' name popping up. I'm going to assume that the Yui here with the last name of Kojina is originally Yokoyama Yui, right...? Or could it just be a new member, lol?
Probably is a new member, silly LF.
As for the others, I'll drive forward with their names temporarily stuck to my memory bank. I apologize about this. Nana being the girl scout leader is somewhat an amusing role. I foresee something bad happening even if a leader is hanging around... Interactions between the female characters are natural. Ignoring the fact that I don't know the new members at all, you wrote it in a way that if the actual members repeated the written dialogues, there would be no abnormality. Now here's where the fun part starts. First of all, the birds. I wonder if they're following the same birds that flew away from the earlier single-sentence? Second, there's Tomochin who is... drenched? Time to put on the thinking hat... What in the world is going on? She's by herself, wet (probably from being in the river), and is in a state of shock. It didn't help that she uttered Miyuki's name. I'm going to predict that something happened to her sister, she witnessed it, and got terrified.
Did Miyuki die. plz tel me.
Talk about first-time confrontation for the girl scouts...
Shinoda Mariko and Haruna? Like... Kojima Haruna? (I'm so rusty on the members' name, oh my gosh.)
Shipping goal accomplished! They're married and have two beautiful daughters... or, well... I suppose this isn't the right time to be celebrating when we have Miyuki missing. Sad to see that the police investigation resulted in bad news only. Good way to shift the atmosphere from a mischievous trip that could be light-hearted (or cruel) to something tragic. Though there's a couple standing by the river and watching the process. Judging by the mentioned name of Minami and black-haired female that accompanied the
shorter female, can I assume that this is Atsuko we're reading about? Quite heartless to wish for a deceased young girl to burn in Hell. Maybe Miyuki and Tomochin weren't so nice after all... or maybe there's some sort of resentment coming from the couple? I'm sure there a some incidents in reality where people resent children of individuals they despise regardless of their association. Guess if you're related by blood, you're pretty much screwed! Now there's another enigmatic character that entered the scene... Snapping pictures of the scene, and she's not from the police squad or government justice force? Seeing her reaction and quietly moving away from the premise after doing what she wanted to do gave me some sort of image that she's a blogger. For whatever reason, I immediately thought of Chaos;Head when I thought that she might be one, lol. I could be wrong though.
So Miyuki got buried. Or, well, I suppose the correct way to say that sentence is adding the quotation for "buried". Doesn't seem to be awkward since missing victims who were gone for far too long can be proclaimed deceased and "buried" in the same manner as this girl here. Aha, a tip of the boat makes everything worse. Honestly, if you drop something in the river, I suggest it's best to think of it as being gone forever. Then again, if it's an important possession... That might just make everything more complicated than it needs to be. Poor Miyuki though. Doing what's best for her sister. Here we have the gears turning for another exciting, but puzzling part of the story. Tragedy brings about change, and sometimes that change isn't for the better. I get the feeling that it's going to get busy now that we have the arrival of the black car.
Ohohohoho, Matsui Jurina enters the fray! Matsui Yuki? Could this hint that Jurina's parents are YukiRena? Well, either way, it doesn't seem to end quite well thanks to this:
“Plus, it's the only piece of property in my name and not your papa's.” Her mama said, a slight edge in her voice.
Yikes. Divorce (I'm going to assume), I see? Looks like the relationship between Yuki and her spouse didn't sail as smoothly as most of us shippers desperately hope for. I wonder how Jurina feels about it?
Speaking of Jurina, this was in the text and I immediately came to a screeching halt:
Jurina simply watched, feeling weird and yet knowing she will be introduced soon. She knew it was her mother’s family butler and she had to admit the female so far looked harmless and pleasant to the eye.
...she had to admit the female so far looked harmless and pleasant to the eye.
...harmless and pleasant...
I don't know if you were using it in a way to describe the female butler, but usually seeing the two key words "so far" really set up the alarm bells in my head. It's not ringing yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if the young Matsui had any indication of being suspicious towards the woman. She felt weird too. Maybe adolescent's hormones are kicking in, but there's no point in feeling this way. Could something have happened with a past butler they once had? Their backgrounds are noted to be those from the high class family lines, so maybe having that status created problems in regard to finance or power? Argh, I'm not sure. I'm just blabbering what I think that pops to mind.
“What is a Sakae Sunshine Shoppe and why does it sell gross bread?” Jurina asked, feeling her stomach flip just from the words banana and mayonnaise in a one sentence.
This made me laugh. I felt grossed out too with the strange combination of banana and mayonnaise. Not sure if my corrupted brain is making everything worse than it seems, but I'm having a slight notion that this is euphemism for something disgusting. (You know... maggots... flies... exposed flesh-- Oh, nevermind.) Despite what I thought of, the reaction her mother and the butler gave is kind of strange. They didn't bother to answer Jurina's question. Is it simply because they view her as a young girl or is there something more to it?
Ah, that link. Got to reference an AKB48 song or this wouldn't be a true fiction dedicated to the fandom, lol! I must thank you for showing that image of Kato Rena. First, it clarified to me that it wasn't Matsui Rena with the family name switched for the sake of this fiction's plot. Second, I almost mistaken her for Takahashi Minami. I need serious help here.
Miyazawa Yui? Dang, is this the Yokoyama Yui? Like... THE Yokoyama Yui? Either way, focusing on the characters themselves, I love the close relationship between Kato and Shimazaki Haruka here. Description of their actions, even when they're minor to the whole story, tells so much about their personality. And Y E S, one of my three hardcore ships for Yui is going to sail because why not. Though the text makes it sound like Yui rarely puts on anything nice. I'm imagining her to be like me in terms of daily style. (Sweatpants/jeans & t-shirts & sneakers.) Please allow me to secretly cheer on for YuiParu. Then again... since this is a harem series for Yui, looking forward to see how their relationship will be shaken in the near future.
“Tonight, you must ask her to Kuchibiru ni Be My Baby.”
Go go, Paruru~
Not much for me to say about the next part other than some nice casual conversation between Yui and Haruka. Best friends, huh? I bet you Haruka is going to be third-wheeled-- I mean, in a worse-case scenario, that is. (Thanks K-drama.) Anyway, it looks like Haruka's internship went well judging by the tone and immediate change of response to match her excitement. Then there's Yui's turn, in which she worked for her father. An observation worth noted based on her friend's curiosity:
Her best friend used to be one of the most unfashionable people in town, who had a big heart and pure soul, and seeing her now, all prepped up, made Haruka even more curious to find out about the reason for her friend’s change in style.
Everything seems to be going fine and dandy. A stark contrast in comparison to the beginning of this first chapter! This sudden shift would turn off some folks, but honestly, in my personal opinion, this seems to be going well. Actually, it's implemented well in this case. Forcing us readers to go through one phase can and will wear us down. (That's probably why I feel so exhausted after a movie from Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean series.) Love the basketball reference for some reason. I've always seen Sae (I'm really hoping this is the Miyazawa Sae we're talking about) as a sporty and athletic person both in reality and in the fictional realm. So that's a nice tip of the hat towards it.
At first Yui was paying attention to what her friend was saying but as her eyes accidentally slipped past Paru’s shoulder into the Shoppe’s area, her mind blanked out and her mouth went agape. A beautiful girl walked into the Shoppe, her black dress flowing around her long legs as her dazzling smile took Yui’s breath away. She didn’t even notice that Paru stopped talking and looked at the new girl and then back at Yui in disbelief.DANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG
girl, what the heck were you doing!? Haruka literally spilled out her feelings and realized that, oh goodness, someone's trapped Yui in a lustful state. Man, I bet drama is going to happen. I knew it! I KNEW IT. Poor Paruru is going to be third-wheeled! She's going to be! I bet one of my fictions that it's going to happen!
“So good.” The black-haired girl nearly drooled out, and Paru wasn’t so sure if what was on Yui’s mind was food at the moment. She was not content with the way Yui stared at this new girl.
I laughed. I legit laughed out loud. Holy goodness, Yui, you're digging a deeper hole if you continue doing that around Haruka. Someone please get Shimazaki out of here! The interactions between Jurina and Yui were pretty sweet, and Paruru being the poor friend who really wanted to convey her true emotions towards the oblivious and rather dense Yui, ha. Can't believe we've already gotten a love triangle (sort of) in the making here!
Overall, I like it. It's been a while since I've typed a comment, it's been a while since I've typed a comment that didn't involve hardcore critiques, and I truly relish the sensation of reading a series that makes me go "Wow, I can totally enjoy this." The new characters, the interesting romantic relationships that are springing up from the ground, and the plot from earlier in the update still gnaws at my brain on what it's going to be about. I'm sure you aren't just switching to something close to slice-of-life for no apparent reason. There's got to be a bigger story here! Though seriously, thanks for writing this. Yui really needs some love here, and I'm glad she plays a large role in this series. Please, let me know ASAP when you have the next update up!
P.S. I have no clue why I keep typing "Shimakaze
" instead of "Shimazaki". Curse Kantai Collection for ruining me!