Searching for Happiness #6 - "Gemini"
What words should I say?
What thoughts are you immersed in like that?
You and I remain here
Full of anticipation, your whispers
Like a dream we’ve drawn together, you and I
Will we be able to love?
Come to me baby
Come come to me baby
Us of the glorious past days
Oh remember, we liked
We cried and also laughed
So we can go back to that time in the beginning (You)
We were always together, we became alike
I can’t even imagine fogetting you,
We were one, me and you
You you you, yeah, oh yeahThat is just it — Rena left and I stayed for quite some time really. I had my doubts at first… whether I should keep on going, wonders if this hotel away from civilization is really for me.
Actually, doubts is something that keeps on following us wherever we go: either it is about feelings/love, job choice, friendships… come on, sometimes we even have doubts if there is any point of waking up in the morning.
Only the constant responsibilities reminds us about it and get us going. So it is understandable that I had a short breakdown when Rena left. Honestly, she became a part of my daily routine, like a friend you get to see every day and it is weird when you don’t have that chance anymore.
One more thing that I have to notice is how familiar we become after so much time spend together. We shared the same views about the important stuff, same opinions about small and insignificant daily routine questions, same dreams about the future and finding something that will keep us going for the rest of our life and gives us strength.
It was not only that but also the thing where we started doing things in the same way. And yes, I mean small things: like the way you pick up tea, how many sugar you put in your coffee, when it is the time for a short break and so on.
It was our co-worker Churi who even noticed that we started laughing in the same manner, or how we kept telling and retelling her same jokes that we shared between us.
Maybe all of this, and because we sort of became like one, was the reason why I managed to keep on fighting even when Rena left. Why I didn’t feel empty when I saw her face in TV while talking about her new upcoming movie. Why I realized that at some point I’ll manage to face the world again, just like before, but this time — more prepared. More positive. More… hopeful.
Our eyes that always looked at the same place,
It keeps becoming disjointed
Even though you’re nearby, I can’t see your heart
Like how the moon quickly blooms when the sun sets,
I hope you’ll return to me as if nothing happened,
The painful now will disappear afar like a dream
Come to me baby
Come come to me baby
Come to me like a shooting starAnd I did… I finally got back home. I reconnected with some of my friends, after all this time, I get a better understanding which of them cared and missed me, and which forgot about me altogether.
I reconnected with my family, realizing that I need to show emotion too. I can’t expect them doing anything for me, it can’t be one sided, and all this time…I was at fault too.
Is it weird to say that I feel that Rena was still the reason that kept me going. At the very start, when I haven’t met the girl, only saw her in music videos and movies, I already felt the connection…I saw her hidden sadness.
Now… whenever I got a chance to see her in my computer screen or on TV, I saw her smiling eyes, I noticed honesty, I noticed how she changed during this time and became a fighter… just like me.
When in the past, I looked at her sad eyes — I felt depressed and broken. When I looked at her now and saw happiness — I couldn’t help but answer that smile too. Only now I realized that older Matsui was always a part of my life, whether she wanted this or not.
Also, I have realized that she will always stay in my life. It doesn’t matter if I don’t get to meet her again. She has already won a place in my heart for the eternity and beyond.
Like the beginning, me and you
You you you, yeah, oh yeah
In the sky, like a star with anticipation,
Kiss me
Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me
If it’s not each other,
This light will disappear, yeah yeah
Warmth that remembers even small atmospheres
When you disappear,
The season is cold, my breathing becomes faint
Warm heart, small gestures (My only)
Before your breathing becomes faint,
(It becomes faint) Turn your footsteps (You)
Your star light that passes by me once
Two meaningless stars, if it’s not one
Forever, me and you
You you you, yeah, oh yeah
Baby, ooh, yeah
Should be me and youLife can play trick on us humans. It has been a year since the last time I saw Rena, in person, and I learn to live without her in my life. I accepted the reality that we won’t meet again and honestly, I was fine by that.
I never expected to meet Rena accidentally, in the middle of the street with some paparazzi probably hiding in the bushes, since they did follow every older Matsui move.
“Jurina?”
“Rena?”
She smiled so brightly while looking at me. Brighter than in the mountains, even brighter when I saw her on TV and she told the world about exciting news from her life and career.
She even surprised me with a hug. Strong grip around me and a short laughter.
“I thought I’ll never see you again! Why didn’t we exchange numbers or something?”, she asked reasonably, still smiling when she pulled away, just so she could look straight into my eyes.
I haven’t thought about this before… maybe I thought that Rena wouldn’t want to see me again ‘in the real world’, I’m not sure why we haven’t kept in touch. We could have written emails to each other, we could have talked on the phone before either of us falls asleep. We could have reached out to each other whenever we felt like it.
“You’re not escaping me this time”, she took my hand while walking slowly to a cafe near by. I haven’t been here before, but from the moment after walking inside, I knew that I’ll want to come again and again.
“I will give you my phone number, email, fact, Instagram, twitter, Tumblr, LINE, what else there is?” she asked excitedly after we finally found the place to sit and talk.
I couldn’t help it, but smile back. It was the same Rena that I met in the mountains, just happier one, more excited one. I forgot all the times when I avoided the girl, because of my stupid feelings that got in the way, and just listened to her. Gosh, I could listen to Rena for the rest of my life, just sitting in silence without saying the word.
She could tell me about how slow turtles are and I would still find it fascinating. That’s why I agreed to meet her whenever she wants to see me again and promised to keep in touch.
That is also why I kept up with the promises and started seeing Rena whenever she was free from her schedule, usually in this small cafe that I learn to love.
That is probably the reason why… few months later… when Rena stopped her stories and smiled waiting for my reaction, I accidentally blurt out without giving a second thought about my words:
“I like you”.
Rena’s answer surprised me though. I haven’t imagined her saying it back (not even in my dreams). “I like you too. Actually… I started liking you back in the mountains, but… maybe it wasn’t the right time”.
We became similar like that. Like ‘Gemini’… holding our feelings inside since we felt that the timing wasn’t right, and expressing it to each other only now, when we managed to get better without relying on other people.
We found our happiness and when we succeeded with that… we also managed to find a way into each others heart.
[THE END]
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