Love is awesome. But OTN-style AM love is a bit bumpy. Ah, c'est la vie.
Again, music set the mood for me.
Chapter 4
Plane ticket - check.
Baachan - check (but have to pick up last pay cheque tomorrow afternoon).
Parents - check and check.
Rest of family - check.
Hiroshi - check point five (one more talk).
School - x (call next week).
Aya - x (check e-mail now).
My mental checklist looked good. Much better, in fact, than I ever thought it could. Several things had been accomplished in the space of half a day: I had gone to the travel agency and booked myself a plane ticket for - and I couldn't believe it - the afternoon of the first of January; I had gone to Baachan's and gotten her enthusiastic blessings for my journey (old people were so grand that way); I had made peace with my parents after a reasonably long and calm talk with them (more like I listened to my dad lecture on and on about Tokyo being dangerous for a girl on her own and what kind of men to look out for); and Hiroshi had come back from his solo mountain hike. It was decided that he would stay the night since it was late and he'd come all the way to visit. My mother was the one who insisted on his staying, and I knew that some part of her was scheming to get us back together. But no matter. He would sleep in a different room, and I was resolute in my decision to end things with him.
All that was left to do that day was to get in touch with Aya. I had e-mailed her earlier, but I had gotten no response yet.
Late that evening, we finished a delicious dinner. My parents were washing dishes together (my dad actually did help with the housework), and Hiroshi was in the bath ("Guests first," said my mom). I was in my room with my phone. I had still not received a reply from Aya. I was gripped with an icy and ridiculous fear that the things she'd said hadn't been heartfelt and that it had all been a bout of temporary insanity that had made her say and do the things she had. Maybe she'd said them to get rid of me. Maybe she-
My phone started ringing. As I was receiving mail, I all but tore the screen off flipping it open to read.
I sighed with relief. It was from Aya. Her flight had been delayed and her phone's battery had died. She'd just gotten home that minute. She'd read my mail about my flight, and she said that it sucked that we couldn't spend New Year's Eve together. I blushed at the thought of spending such a family-oriented holiday with her. She also wrote that she missed me, which made me bury my face into my pillow and squeal in giddiness and mortification. I quickly stopped that and composed myself. Acting like a fifteen year old girl with a massive crush on Kimutaku was probably not an attractive quality on me. So "un" Fujimoto.
I wrote back and, while sucking in a big breath of air and clenching my jaw out of embarrassment, said that I missed her, too, and that at least we could celebrate the first day of the brand new year together. I said good night, and that was that.
It took so little to make me feel so happy. So excited about the future.
I lounged around until Hiroshi got out of the bath. I took mine and then got into my pyjamas, ready to hit the sack a little earlier than usual. I was about to slip under the covers when I had a change of heart. I padded out of my room and made the trek over to the guest room Hiroshi was staying in. I knocked, asking if I could come in.
"Yeah," Hiroshi called out.
I walked in and saw him sitting on the bed playing a video game. He looked up as if he had to check who I was and then quickly paused the game, putting it down and giving me his full attention.
One of the reasons why I liked him. A guy who would pause his precious video game for me? A winner.
When he looked at me, though, his eyes were still full of love. Maybe a bit of hope, too. Hope that I'd take him back. I felt sorry for him because he had to be around me and not act like we had up until that very day. If he really was uncomfortable, though, he could have left. There were several polite ways to decline an invitation.
"Playing games, huh?" I asked in a mock-scolding voice.
He grinned like a little boy.
"I remember a certain someone who came over to my place last summer and wouldn't let go of the game controller for two days straight."
I scoffed at him, but then laughed and sat beside him on the bed.
"Thanks for being so understanding, Hiro-kun," I said, shifting gears and expressing what I'd come by to express.
He looked down at his knees.
"As long as you're happy, I can't complain. Just... whoever he is, be careful."
I tried not to react too much to that because it was so much more complicated than I cared to explain. I sighed
"I'm not leaving you for someone else. I'm doing it for me. And you. You can do better than little old me," I said in a light tone.
He looked up at me, eyes wide with longing.
"But all I want is you."
I shook my head.
"I'm sorry."
He looked back down and then up again (I was getting dizzy watching him), a silly smirk gracing his face.
"I know you hate weak men, Micchan," he said. "I'll stop with that whiney crap."
"Stupid," I said, bonking him on the forehead. "I know you're strong. It's okay for you to have feelings."
He grinned back at me, and it felt like old times when we'd sit around and flirt harmlessly. Only now, it didn't mean the same thing. It would lead to nowhere.
Out of habit, I fixed his bangs, which I had displaced with my scolding tap. I stroked the soft strands of slightly damp hair gently back into place and then took my hand away.
"You're a good man, Hiro-kun," I said in a moment of pure, unguarded honesty. "Keep being good."
We shared a smile, and for a moment I thought that he was going to lean in and kiss me. But he knew we were over. He knew he'd upset me if he did anything. I could see him restrain himself. Very admirable. But also fearful. He knew I could throw quite a punch when I wanted to.
I stood up and walked to the door.
"Good night, Hiro-kun."
"Good night, Micchan."
I left.
Closure.
I sighed in relief.
I got into bed and checked my messages one last time. Aya had written back to me while I'd been off chatting with Hiroshi.
Love you and good night!
Added on the next line were musical notes, a smiley face, and a heart.
I snapped my phone shut and turned the light out to try and lower the temperature of my face.
What a girl.
I had never expected in a million years that she could feel something like that about me. It never would have occurred to me in the past two months we'd been hanging out.
Well, okay, no. I admit that sometimes I wondered why she acted so familiarly with me, but I really had no proper inkling of her true feelings. I chalked it all up to her friendly personality. Not until last night had I had any real idea how strongly she cared for me.
I lay back and tried to remember every detail of the previous night.
I started to cry when we got to her hotel room. It was something I hadn't done in front of another person for years. But I desperately wanted her to stay. My life became exciting because of her.
To try and let her know how truly grateful I was to her for being my friend, I reached out and hugged her. She stood there stiffly for a moment, during which I was filled with the fear that maybe I'd been too presumptuous as to get close to her when she didn't want to have a friendship like that. Maybe I'd crossed some sort of line that I didn't know was there.
But then she relaxed completely and hugged me back.
"Don't worry. I'll visit again."
Liar, I thought through my tears.
I forced myself to stop crying, though, because it was humiliating. Even in front of Aya, who I'd grown to trust more than some of the people I'd been friends with since elementary school, I couldn't stand being so weak.
I sensed something in that quiet moment, and before I knew it, she kissed me. It was like a blunder. One of things you couldn't help. There was a tear on my lip, and she simply wiped it away with her own lips.
But to me, it felt like more. The way she did it was so full of adoration that it initiated some sort of urge in me. Suddenly, I wanted her to do it again. And I wanted to do it back. I just wanted to stand there and hold her and maybe kiss her so that I wouldn't have to lose her so quickly. Maybe by doing so, our friendship would deepen. I didn't really understand, but it seemed exciting to me. It felt right because it was different. And she cared. I could tell from that moment when our faces were so close together and her warmth became mine and vice versa. It was something I had never felt, not even from Hiroshi. It confused me, but made me happy.
I felt this overwhelming need radiating from her in that split second after she did what she did, but she controlled herself and forced me away from her. She pushed a speechless me out the door. I was about to allow myself to be shut out because I was in such shock, when my brain snapped.
This was what I wanted. This moment and this situation. I needed someone who understood me. Aya was the only one who knew how I didn't like the direction in which my life was headed. She knew I needed excitement, and she understood and supported me.
So I stopped her from closing the door.
"You know, I've never tried that before..." I propositioned her indirectly.
She snapped back without taking the bait, so I dug into her. I got angry. How dare she start something like that - give me the tiniest, briefest taste of excitement - and then yank it all away? I wanted to see where she wanted to take that slip of the lips.
It seemed as though I angered her with my words, but quite the opposite turned out to be true. She grabbed at me with needy hands, pulled me back into her apartment, and shoved me hard against the wall
They say there is a fine line between love and hate. For a moment, I believed that the same was true for beating someone up and sex. The way she dove into things with me was a shock to my system. She seemed so desperate that she was almost rough with me, and she went much further than I thought she would ever have had the mind to.
But letting her take the lead, I grew courageous, and whatever desperation she felt was transferred to me through her kisses.
She seemed to know me so well. Maybe even better than Hiroshi did. She teased me. Every minute we went at it, she would dangle something in front of me and laugh at how I couldn't get it. She'd push and push and then retreat a bit, push some more, and then pull back. It infuriated me in a completely animal way, and a primal side of me that I'd never known about came out to play. I didn't even know what I was doing. I had never even touched a girl like this before.
Well, actually, I was kissed by one once when I was in my second year of high school, but we were at a party and she was drunk. She threatened to take off all her clothes in a room full of twenty-five boys and girls unless she got to kiss every single person in the room. We figured letting her kiss each of us was the best thing, since she was a notoriously rowdy drunk who liked to run around outside. Being completely naked while doing so would attract much more attention. Small towns were not good for this sort of thing.
But it was time to stop reminiscing about my high school days while I was being... attacked.
The more she pushed me, the more I reciprocated. We probably generated enough energy to heat all of Siberia for the entire month of January.
It had been a long, exhausting day. I'd done school work in the morning, driven my sister to the hospital, and then gone immediately to work. After work, I'd had to pick my sister back up, drop her off at her house, and then go on a hike with Aya to look at the night sky, where she dropped her bomb - she was leaving in less than twelve hours. After that emotionally draining event, we'd gone back to her hotel room, talked, and then suddenly ended up in bed.
It grew very late - or rather early in the morning - and I could barely hold myself up anymore. Aya was merciful, and she let me go to sleep. As I lay there, drowning in waves of bliss and exhaustion, I felt her hand on my back. I made a sound to acknowledge it. She then drew a shape on my back. A heart. I groaned out loud, trying to tell her that it tickled and that I was too drained, my nerves too frayed, to deal with more of her teasing. She put her hand flat on the left side of my back. She was feeling for my heartbeat. She wanted to feel the thing that was keeping me alive, pumping warm blood through my body. Blood that she had just lit on fire.
It was a loving gesture that I would never forget. Even if the next day we woke up and awkwardly parted with regret coursing through our veins, that one gesture would still mean something. Millions of words. She cared.
I tried to mumble something, but I was far too sleepy to even take a deep enough breath. I fell asleep while hoping beyond hope that this all meant something.
The memories were vivid in my mind. As I recalled them, I started to feel the pressing need to see her. To repeat last night. This desire built up in me, and I started to fidget.
What could I do? She was almost one thousand kilometres away from me. I held my breath, counted to twenty, and let it go. I took another deep breath, and then counted to fifteen before letting that one go, too. I forced myself to be still, and I took deep, calming breaths in an attempt to put myself to sleep.
It worked eventually, and my dream... was lurid.
In it, I got out of my bed. I could sense with that mysterious sixth sense in dreams that Aya was nearby.
It was the dead of night and the neighbourhood was asleep. Not a creature was stirring. Not even a sheep.
I left the room and tiptoed past my parents' bedroom, slipping through the next door. My sister's old room. In the bed, basking in the moonlight that peeked in brightly through the thin curtains covering the window, was Aya, her skin looking smooth and inviting in the pale light. I walked quietly and stood over the bed, studying her.
I reached out a hand and touched her cheek. Her eyes opened slowly. She smiled at me. I looked down, serious, desperate.
"One more time," I whispered softly.
I demanded.
She looked surprised.
"Now? You sure?"
I didn't reply. She'd heard me. I got onto the bed on my hands and knees and hovered over her. I slowly lowered my face to hers. Soon, we were clawing at each other's pyjamas, and I recall thinking in my dream that she looked so cute in pyjamas that it almost saddened me to take them off of her. Almost.
But as we undressed in order to touch as much skin as possible, something about her felt different. Familiar, but different. The handful of X-rated dreams I'd had in my life paled in comparison to this one. This one felt real. Like she was actually there underneath me, doing things that made me shudder and gasp out mindless phrases. Uttering them quietly, softly, muffling my sounds in her neck. My parents were right next door, and in my dream, it was just as important as in real life not to subject them to play-by-plays of my sex life.
"Miki, I..." she whispered into my ear.
The chills I felt were not because of her warm breath hitting and tickling my ear, but because she sounded different.
I tried to pull back a bit, but things were spiralling forward, and I couldn't stop them. Part of me pulled back, but part of me needed that release that was so near. So I kept going.
Then two things happened.
One was that I felt impossibly good. The other was that I felt the world come to a disastrous end.
The moment I was about to gasp out something - maybe her name, but most likely miscellaneous nonsense - I woke up.
The moment I opened my eyes and looked down, I realised that Aya was nowhere to be found. I was not on top of her. Instead, the person I was clutching to me as waves of ecstasy crashed through my body was Hiroshi.
The breath left my body, leaving me numb, unable to move. He didn't seem to notice as he kissed me and then pushed me onto my back, continuing to move above me and then eventually muffling his own groan in the pillow under my head. He fell (carefully) on top of me, both of us breathing hard, sweating, trembling.
He rolled off to the side and caught his breath while I lay there, stone still, trying to catch my own breath and figure out what was happening.
I was awake and in bed with Hiroshi. Once again.
But I hadn't meant to come here. I had been dreaming. And not even about him!
What have I done? I thought in fear.
For the second day in a row, I cried in front of someone.