GagThere is desire, and there is madness.
Red pushes at the edges of my vision.
Kiss her. I fling my limbs in wild abandon, losing myself to the dance.
Touch her. Every move is crisp, edged with passion and flair.
Take her. The music ends, and I hold my position, chest heaving with more than simple exertion.
"Well done, Takahashi. That's the kind of expression you need."
Lust? Frustrated desire? Unfulfilled passion? Such a cruel expression, but apparently so very right for stage. The irony is striking, and I let out a helpless chuckle, flushing at the praise --
not at the reflection of a familiar form in the mirror before us.
Gaki's watching me with a hint of concern. She knows something is up; she always can tell when something is up. No doubt she will attempt to meddle again. Maybe I'll tell her. Or maybe I'll just brush it off, and then we can end up arguing again. A good argument might take my mind off things. Operative word being 'maybe'.
Sayu is also watching. That's nothing new. She's always paying attention to everything, behind that self-centered facade. Telling her might be less stressful. She would be less likely to judge. More likely to try and 'help' me, but I'm not sure if I'll survive her help. I think I rather do without this time.
Then the...other two. As usual, they are just hanging out casually, talking about god-knows-what. I wish I could make conversation as easily, but I'm not very good at starting conversations. I can follow one well enough, but starting one always feels a little awkward. I never know how to begin.
As if sensing my gaze, they look up. Well, Reina looks up, and gives me that look again. Cocky, knowing, challenging...a surge of the old anger rises within me, bringing a familiar haze over my eyes, and I can sense dimly the instant wariness that crept into those yankii orbs. She averts her eyes, not daring to meet my stare. Of course she wouldn't dare. Reina, no matter how tough she pretends to be, is easily frightened. If she meets something she can't handle, she backs off and bolts like a bat out of hell. And then continues strutting around like she owns the place.
I'm not like her. I'm frightened of lots of things, and it shows. I cry too much, rely on others too much, and obsess over things too easily. But deep down I know, no matter what happens, there's a part of me that is untouched, a part of me that stays calm, stays certain, stays locked up and inert no matter what comes my way. Even when I'm screaming or crying on the outside, there's a part of me that is unaffected, watching, always watching.
I wish that part had always stayed as it was. I might not like being a weak crybaby, but it's still better than dealing with...this. I can deal with being frightened of things outside. I rather not have to deal with being afraid of myself.
Perhaps the anger has always been with me. It shows in the littlest things; the way my temper flares when provoked just a little too far -- like the way I kicked down the door to my own room when it got jammed, for instance --, the cold rage when people annoy me. Little things.
I don't deal very well with anger. So I react by not getting angry whenever possible. I accept whatever I can, becoming placid and forming a protective shell around my temper. Sure, I get into explosive arguments with Gaki-san pretty often, but I find that those are great ways to destress before I actually hit boiling point. I think she understands too, because she doesn't hold a grudge (much) after those are over. In a way, that's how we communicate. I can't
tell her things, but at least I can vent on her. Not completely, mind, but it definitely helps.
I must be spacing out again, because there is a gentle tap on my arm, and I snap back to reality to find the youngest of our much-reduced lineup right next to me.
When did she get this close?! My inner voice panicked, though outwardly I maintain calm. Control, I need control.
"Ai-chan? Are we still up for lunch after this?"
We are? I search my recent memory. Oh, we are...the vague memory of the invitation floats into my recollection, tinged with a plethora of emotions, colored predominantly in warm hues.
It helps that we are right out here with others in the room. I am able to suppress the crazy voice
not and speak normally.
Just push her against the wall, it urges. No. I'm not an animal, I can do better than this.
Take her to lunch, then pin her against the table!Not helping! I wanted to smack my forehead, but settled for rubbing my flushed face with the towel around my neck instead. I made a non-committal sound and idly made plans with her about our impending lunch outing with a straight face. The minor details helped to push back the incessant urging for inappropriate action, giving me something else to focus on.
I'm not sure how this happened. Well, it's not the first time, but I had thought that...well, I had thought that it was over. After the first time it reared its head...I knew it was too hard to control. But control it I must, because letting it out is worse. I might actually hurt someone. I actually
had hurt someone. The wary look in Reina's eyes is a constant rebuke to me. It's also why we don't usually get anywhere near each other anymore, unless we absolutely have to. She doesn't trust me. I don't trust myself either, although it hasn't come back in a while, even when Reina's close. I had taken that as a good sign.
Unfortunately, it seems to have chosen a new target.
I'm still not sure how it had happened. It had been just another day. Aika was just sitting next to me, talking. I was watching her, listening and paying attention, and then I looked. Really looked at her, and realized something.
She's grown up.The thought had filled me with a sisterly kind of pride, even if it had made me feel old at the same time -- a lot of things do now, actually. I hadn't given it much thought at that point, but
something must have struck me, because that damnable red haze started invading my vision not long after. Clouded my better judgement, it did. The voices didn't start immediately, but they did eventually, making a triumphantly (evil) gleeful return to my psyche.
I had known for a while that I find girls attractive. Attractive, but I never felt compelled to do anything about it. I am quite content to just appreciate beauty from afar. Besides, the contract that came with the job was pretty specific about things like this. Well, they didn't exactly have a clause that said "Do not date/screw your fellow members, especially if they're younger than you", but still.
I would know. I checked. More than once.
They did, however, imply that whatever we did, we had better not get caught. Especially not by the media. It's one thing to get caught by the company; they'd just issue warnings, talk your ear off, and then stick you in the nearest fridge for a while (as for how long, that depends on how much you're worth to them). If the media got hold of it -- and if the company didn't get there in time to do something about it -- well, there'd be hell to pay.
I
was pretty lucky the last time shit hit the fan for my case. Well, it helps that the higher ups really really liked me (and I didn't even have to sleep with them!), so everything blew over without a fuss. And no, the media didn't even get a whiff of it. Yes, we are that good at hiding things. It also helps that I was also pretty discreet for a crazy bitch at the time.
I don't deny it, I went pretty much off my rocker for a short while back then. It didn't look like much if you were watching me on shows and the like, because I kept it pretty well hidden, but the people who really knew me knew that I wasn't...all there. Withdrawal symptoms, I'd call it. I got better though, after it all got sorted out. Sort of. It generally involved a lot of avoiding the person in question, and never
ever talking about it.
Some people say that avoidance doesn't solve anything. I beg to differ. Personal experience shows that it
does help...somewhat.
It's back though, but I wouldn't say it's back full blast. I'm not quite obsessed yet, thank heavens, but the old dread was painful to bear. Knowing what
could happen was almost as bad as having it happen all over again. There are lines to be crossed, and I'm working on making sure they aren't. We can't quite have a repeat of what happened back then. I
do have responsibilities as leader.
That's probably why I finally pushed myself to make the decision to graduate. Of course, Tsunku had suggested it to me, but he had graciously left it up to me to decide when it would happen. I might have stalled for longer if only to make sure the 9th gen are all settled in, but with the possible relapse occurring, I couldn't afford to wait longer than a year. I was already pushing it by setting it so many months from now, but I figured that the company would keep me busy during those months, trying to milk as much profit they could out of me before the inevitable. And that kind of activity would distance me from the rest, which would save my sanity more than anything else could.
Yeah, I think too much sometimes, but I like to imagine all that overthinking is helpful in this case. Distracting myself with pointless details prevents me from going mad otherwise. I sometimes think my mind is way
too well-compartmentalized though.
Case in point: Somewhere along my ruminations, I somehow managed to make it through the rest of rehearsal with half my brain turned off, get changed, and headed off to lunch with the little devil that has been tormenting me for the last few weeks. Or more. I think I lost track.
Note to self: avoid one-on-one interactions with the person you're on the verge of becoming obsessed with. Of course, it's a little late to be making a note at this point, but for future reference...
...why am I even hoping that there will
be a future reference at all?
Bad brain. Bad,
bad brain. It doesn't help that she's looking so adorable today. Agh. Normal! Have to pretend to be normal! Right, let's take photos so I can blog about this, yes...who the hell am I kidding with this anyway? And the girl has
got to stop leaning into me. Too much body contact! I sometimes wish girls aren't so touchy with each other. I'm about to jump out of my skin here. Maybe the real solution here is to
stop bringing her out with me so much, but I can't help it. She's the only one who really understands the stuff I like. And good grief, not the puppy eyes!
Just kill me now. I'll even pay you to do it. This has got to
stop.
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I love how whacked out Ai is here. Of course, I was pretty warped at the time, so the stuff that came out was pretty...hmm.
Less morbid, more crazy. All's good!
Topic: Estrea's Sandbox [6/4 - Treat] (Read 201341 times)