..just had to comment on it. Good fucking lord, I so love ripping quotes like this:
BEWARE IT'S LOOOOOOOOONG!!!!
"History," declared Henry Ford, "is bunk." And yet, to paraphrase George Santayana, those who forget history and the English language are condemned to mangle them. Historian Anders Henriksson, a veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded, from papers submitted by freshmen at McMaster University and the University of Alberta, his students' more striking insights into European history from the Middle Ages to the present. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Professor Henriksson has now assembled these individual fragments into a chronological narrative that we present here.
A History of the Past: 'Life Reeked with Joy'
History as we know is always bias, because human beings have to be studied by other human beings, not by independent observers of another species.
I can figure a lizard writing an essay about the Secession Wars.
During the Middle Ages, everbody was middle aged.
And we thought we had demographic problems in our days.
Church and state were co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs.
And the Beach Boys were the most famous troveurs of the era!
It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.
just like we did in school with frogs and seafood, just to find out how did they reproduce, huh?
After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside. Mideval people were violent. Murder during this period was nothing. Everybody killed someone.
But, since they were all middle-aged, they were going to die soon or later...
England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing.
It was a tie! and then they decided in the PK, with Jeanne d'Arc as goalkeeper
The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular.
No comments here. Seriously. Any comment would ruin the hilarity of this masterpiece.
A class of yeowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras.
And 'cause they hadn't sex ed, they didn't know how to put on the condom...
It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
It was a sillicone plague!
The plague also helped the emergence of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.
OK, I feel cheated.. I thought I spoke a little french but now seems it's only a variation of english.. give my money back!
The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renascence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world thanks to northern Europe.
*looks at a map. Thinks. Head explodes.
Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll!
I thought those were the times of the French Revolution
It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
Hey, can I have a Renaissance merchant to decorate my garden please?
The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope thus enriching Catholic coiffures.
And then Luther refused to apologize for not sporting "Gackt" hair.
Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door.
And people laughed at those poor monks hanging from the Nuremberg Cathedral's door. People are so cruel...
Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic.
Usually.. but there's always an exception to the norm..
Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms.
And buried themselves in the ground.
The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France.
*looks at the map again.. head explodes twice*
The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation.
That's a great way to resume the times of Louis XIV. He feeds, he kills, he rows and he flirts. Genius.
In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people and built a new capital near the European border.
Where did accidental people come from? What if some noble decided to stay nude? Would Peter cry? man, so many questions..
Orthodox priests became government antennae.
The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called "Candy"
About a man who loved chocolate mints
that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great.
who was more into strawberry...
Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slighly confused with defeatism.
'cause Socrates, Plato, Aristoteles, Tales and so on are actually characters created by the great Hollywood industry. We've been cheated again, guys.
France was in a very serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. Their French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through monarchial, republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean. Napolean was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
Doctors told him to go invade some countries so that he could relieve his pain.
History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815.
Before that, there's the period known as Prehistory; that is: everything that an american student SHOULDN'T know because it's so damn unrelated to their beloved country
Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of one million people, two million able bodies were on the loose.
*does her maths... tries to think.. head explodes
Graet Brittian, the USA and other European countrys had demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.
mmmh.. since my head has exploded three times.. I'll leave it to you if you're willing to make a joke with "anal parliament"
A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north.
I detect a certain obsession with the North AND Italy.. what's wrong dude? were your people invaded by some angry Normands?
Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army.
No. I'm not going to look at the map again. Too many explosions and I still need the rest of my neurones to decide today's menu.
Napolean III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napolean III as a live extension of the late, but great, Napolean. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.
Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical." Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.
he wasn't ucranian?????!!!! man I've been cheated again.
he surely made his name up to look exotical..
World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed and then they aren't people any more, but friends.
Or at least, while you're dead you can't keep being in war. Genius, I say.
Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia.
No comments. Hey I suck at chronology too, this isn't so bad..
Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war "team colours" were red and white.
ATLEEEEEETI!!!Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly overexcited and unbalanced. Berlin bacame the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic movement arose.
Followed by the public burnt of thousands of dictionaries.
Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by governmental groups.
Yeah, really attractive! Why not try: "Death to all Cokes" Hey Pepsi buy me this!
Hitler remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on eight million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland. France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Hiroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage is us.
Which means we're at the end of humanity right now.
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