JPHiP Radio (16/200 @ 128 kbs)     Now playing: WINK - Kitto Atsui Kuchibiru ~REMAIN~

Author Topic: "Transcendence" (testing waters, appreciate feedback)  (Read 2425 times)

Offline tenninquill

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
  • Independent Writer <3 WMatsui <3
"Transcendence" (testing waters, appreciate feedback)
« on: August 07, 2015, 03:03:13 AM »
Hello there! This story is a concept that I've been pondering over the past few months, and despite my experiences writing fan fiction, I've not had the courage to share them to the public until now. Any feedback is great! This story will not contain pairings, however the female characters in this will feature 48 group members - I know this may upset a few of you, however I hope that my writing will bring forth an open mind to appreciate something unique!



Prologue 1

Humans. We’re almost entirely made up of water and yet when we die, we turn back into the dust of the earth. Burning with hearts of fire, yet how is it that we can breathe while using an element as gentle and independent as air.  Water, Earth, Fire, Air. We are complex creatures that are living examples of the elements coinciding in complete harmony and display a partnership that is incomparable to anything else in existence.
We possess the power of choice and with an even greater possibility for considerable good, we also have the choice to succeed in deeds that are ominous and devastating. Such power - choice bestows upon us. For humans to procure the ability, to not only be the reason for peace and harmony, but also the cause of immense destruction and death, not even the stars can understand.

With power like that, we'd think we've got the world conveniently in our hands. But it all started with one person. One person who found out that at a special time when stars fell from the sky like diamonds to the Earth, it was unbeknownst to its earthly residence that the stars had made this small planet their final resting place. This was their end - their destiny... and none had any other choice in the matter.

But there's a lot a power in a star's body, this he found out all too well. Thinking that he would keep this great fortune to himself, he hid away learning their secrets. Until one day, a small boy caught one of these falling, dying stars in his hands and felt pity. The star offered him so much in exchange. Power, fortune, knowledge, and so much more in return that she could stay and allow their fates to intertwine. Yet the boy refused all that she'd offered and instead, he heard the pain in her voice. He seemed to want nothing more than to just grant her wish. He gave her the one thing that could allow her to stay, no strings attached: his heart.

Harmony of the elements existed and coincided in peace, until we found out about them. . . those miraculous stars. Still, humans aren’t meant to fall in love with stars because that would mean the destruction of life as we know it.  It’s unnatural, an abomination of its kind, a love that should never exist. But if one did, would it be worth risking and sacrificing harmony across the entire universe?   

That little boy only smiles. And what was his answer you may ask?

“One would endure the tortures of suffering and pain for a thousand life-times if for the sake of saving one fallen star.”


This is just a sedative to get you guys warmed up.  ;) But I hope you guys enjoyed it and are ready to hear about the character lineup. New or familiar, I hope that you will still be anticipating Chapter 1. Let the games begin!! ^^

Sincerely Yours,

Offline niineechan

  • BANZAI~~~~~~~
  • ecchi
  • Member+
  • Posts: 466
  • Just A Loner, Not A Loser
    • dwi.pratiwi.754
    • 108988907817535630336
Re: "Transcendence" (testing waters, appreciate feedback)
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2015, 07:49:59 AM »
Well, let's just give it a try, author-san! :D
I'm interested with the idea, tho.. :lol:
It sounds beautiful n a bit melancholy.. :shy2:
I'll look forward to chap 1 :grin:

Offline LoyalFlutist

  • clinical scientist
  • Member+
  • Posts: 324
  • DRG @ Sargatanas (FFXIV)
    • animeminafans
Re: "Transcendence" (testing waters, appreciate feedback)
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2015, 03:24:33 PM »
First and foremost, I must apologize if there are any errors on behalf of my part. (I'm typing this comment on a mobile device.)

Now that's out of the way, I'm genuinely excited to see the start of this! It has been so long since I've last read any fan fictions, yet when I decided to skim through what was offered here in the forum, lo and behold, I found a rough diamond! The idea that there is no pairings does not bother me once for, in my personal opinion, allows the writer to focus more on the plot and characterizations rather than who should be matchmaked with. Not to mention how refreshing it is to read from a potential male's perspective (perhaps genderbent or an original character?).

Excellent prologue; it's well written and the hook immediately caught my attention. The sentences that have been written weave smoothly with prose seemingly felt as if it's natural to you. I do not know how long you have written, but it appears to me that you are a knowledgeable and experienced individual in this field. Number of dictions and wise usage of bold fonts and underlines keeps my attention plastered to this short, but terrific, prologue.

Plus, I love the dialogue to end this prologue:

“One would endure the tortures of suffering and pain for a thousand life-times if for the sake of saving one fallen star.

It leaves readers (or maybe just me) craving for more of your writing without sounding too much of a "Lol, cliffhanger bruh! Psyche!".

Hope to see an update on this thread! (I'll be keeping my eye out on this thread.) I should thank you for sharing this to the public and courageously posting it up for others. I look forward to the adventure that will soon to come in reading your work.

- LoyalFlutist

"You'll come to treasure these scars."

HIATUS: The Virus | How Far Are You Prepared To Go? | Sanity | Hidden Truth | Disappearance (Season 2) *Tumblr-only* | Vengeance
ACTIVE: Majisuka Gakuen OS | OS | Idol Royale
REMAKE: Disappearance S1 | Wandering Ship | Hidden Truth
COLLABORATIONS: Phantom Pain w/Llyloo

Twitter: | AO3: | Discord Server:

Zine Projects: Our Future Days (The Last of Us) [Pre-order TBA] | IDOLIZED! (Love Live!) [Pre-order - Digital] | Eizineken! (Eizouken Ni Wa) [Packaging] | Tales from the Animal Forest (Animal Crossing) [Pre-order TBA] | Amor Fati (Fate/Grand Order) [Creation Period]

JPHiP Radio (16/200 @ 128 kbs)     Now playing: WINK - Kitto Atsui Kuchibiru ~REMAIN~