I can't believe you made me think the words "Aya" and "bitch" in the same sentence... and look, now I even typed them!!!
This... is the highest compliment. Hahaha! Thank you, I guess.
Aya's kind of turning out to be the "villain" of this story. I didn't mean for that to happen. Remember, she's also very confused and doesn't know what she wants. Well, deep down inside she does, but she's terrified to admit it.
In short, everyone in this story loses! Hahaha. But yes, I think Keita comes out as the one who realises how it's going to end, and perhaps the one we feel sorry for most because he's been dragged into something so crazy. It's one of those "wrong place, wrong time" things.
Anyway, here's Miki:
3.4I've stopped bothering to comfort myself. After recent incidents, I'm pretty sure why I feel what I feel, so I stop telling myself that I'm just going through a phase or that I'm just a bit crazy. That's what I've been doing for months now.
At the moment, it's a matter of keeping it all nice and covered up. A big, big secret that nobody can know. Not even my best friend. Especially not my best friend.
I'm sitting beside her watching a stupid television drama that we adore. We're at her place.
I'm filled with all sorts of crazy thoughts. There's so much I want to say to her, but it'll have to wait. A couple of million years ought to do the trick. By then, nothing will surprise the girl, and then I can tell her that I really like her, more than a friend, more than anybody I've ever liked before. We're talking love, here.
I focus on the drama. The main character just got kissed by her childhood friend who's been gone for four years, and I spazz out.
"Oh please!" I yell out. "He's not even cute!"
I wouldn't touch that guy with a ten foot pole. The lawyer on the second floor, though. Yes, I would touch him. Very much.
Aya hits me as if to remind me that she's here, and I feel guilty for lusting over TV characters. Then I remind myself that she doesn't even know what I feel, so she doesn't care if I want to drool over someone who is not her.
"If I was her, I'd go for the hottie that works on the second floor," I say.
"Miki, you're ruining it," she hisses at me.
It's cute how she gets so into these dramas. I cross my arms and give her a challenging look, which she just starts to laugh over. How insulting! Here I am trying to be all intimidating, and all she can do is giggle. But it's cute, so she's forgiven.
"Why are you looking at me?" she asks between giggles.
"Because you're not listening to what I'm saying," I insist. "This childhood friend of hers is sketchy."
He really is.
"What's so sketchy?" Aya asks me, crossing her arms and trying to look intimidating just like me.
"He's been gone for four years," I point out to her.
She should have been able to figure that one out.
"He was at university," she shoots back at me.
"Hah, we don't know that!" I cry out, and she laughs as I try to make a point. "Second of all, he's ugly."
She frowns at me, and I wonder what I've said wrong. It's the truth, and she knows it.
"Okay, yeah," she agrees, "but that's not very nice to say."
She looks at me disapprovingly, and suddenly all my resolve crumbles. She's right, so now I have to explain myself.
"But Aya-chan, in these dramas, it's never the ugly guy that gets the girl. I mean, just look at him."
He really is not good looking, and you can tell that he's only going to be in a couple of episodes before he's booted out so that the heroine can pursue the other love interest at work.
Despite my good reasoning (I can recite the formula for TV dramas like poetry, so I’m very good at predicting what will happen in your typical drama), she still keeps frowning at me, and she looks like she's dying to say something,
"So you wouldn't date a guy if he wasn't good looking?" she asks.
Wow. That came right out of left field. I think about the question carefully. Sure I'm attracted to people who are actually good looking, but he doesn't have to be movie star material to keep me interested. But the question is really obsolete right now because I'm in love with someone who's really very hot.
"Well," I say. "I wouldn't want him to be hideous..."
"Well, what if he was a gorgeous man until he got his face burned off in an accident? Would you still love him?" she asks me.
"Of course," I say immediately.
I just imagine that it happened to the person I love... Nope, nothing could make me stop feeling the way I do.
"You don't sound so sure," she says.
What is she talking about? Of course I'm sure. I just don't think about these things.
"Well, I don't really think about it," I tell her. "I've never met a burn victim before."
Hah. I hope she gets a kick out of that answer.
"So you wouldn't date someone who was different? Like, too different? Out of the norm? Someone others wouldn't approve of?"
Why is she asking me all of this? She can't possibly want to know, right? And what do I say? I really haven't thought about it because I've always fallen in love with someone without meaning to. It sucks, but it's true. That's what love is. That's how love happens. Or at least I think so.
"I've dated my fair share of guys that nobody - especially my parents – approved of," I remind her, smiling as I remember the good old days.
Since when did I get so mellow? I used to go after bad boys. Ones that would skip school and smoke out in the open. Now I'm pining after a well-bred, by-the-rules, angelic girl. No. Princess.
What the hell, me? What the hell?
"What would you do for love? Or what would stop you from loving?" she asks me, and I gulp.
"I, uh..." my voice cracks as I try to find a way to phrase my answer.
What would I do? Anything. What would stop me from loving? Nothing short of death.
I look at Aya and she has this intense look in her eyes. She wants to know my answer right now. She needs to know it for some purpose I don't understand.
I take a deep breath.
"Love is love. Who am I to decide what to do and not to do?" I ask her. "I'll just do whatever it takes 'cause I can't control myself."
I keep looking at her as I say this. Maybe I'm playing with fire because I want it to seem like I'm talking with her in mind. I want her to catch me and ask me if I'm in love with her. Then that way I don't have to say it voluntarily, which I think is much more difficult.
She seems to think very hard about my question. I wonder what she's going to say in response. Maybe she thinks my answer is dumb. Maybe she's going to make fun of it.
"Anyone in particular in mind?"
I swallow hard. She had to ask. I can't tell her. Absolutely not. Not yet, anyway. Not at this moment.
I look at her and try to imagine what would happen if I did say "you."
I suppress a shudder and move my thoughts along. Whatever I say, I have to cover up the truth.
I let myself smile.
"Plenty of people," I say. "My parents, my friends, and the ranchers that raise the tasty cows I eat when I go for yakiniku."
I rub my tummy and lick my lips, thinking of the delicious meat that I love so much.
But you know what I would love even more? If I could lick her lips and rub her tummy. Now that would be interesting.
And very, very scary for her, so I won't do it.
"So what about you?" I ask, turning the tables on her. "What would you do for Tachibana?"
I don't want to know. I want her to tell me she hates his guts as much as I do.
"I don't know," she mumbles with a shrug.
It gives me hope.
"Oh, so now you're evading my questions? And you get mad at me when I do that?" I tease her.
She pushes me, her hand only touching me briefly.
Oh, no. Do stay... I invite it, but it's gone before I can regain my balance.
"It's not that. I'm just not sure. He's not really, um..." she trails off.
Not really smart? Not really cool?
"He's not really your type?" I ask, trying to mask the hope I feel.
If she tells me she's going to break up with him, I just might not be able to control myself. This whole day has been a test of my ability to restrain myself from doing or saying anything to scare her away. If suddenly she becomes single...
"No. He is. He is," Aya assures me firmly.
I stare at her to see if she's telling me the truth. She's worried me just a bit because she's changed from wishy-washy to secure in a matter of seconds. I don't want her to hide the truth from me, especially since I might really want to hear it.
"I'm just not sure yet what I'd do for him. We're still getting to know each other."
What? There is definitely something wrong if they're still there.
"Getting to know each other? I think you're beyond that stage at this point. How many months has it been?" I ask her.
I start to count the number of months they've been going out. It depresses me to see finger after finger marking month after month. Then the unexpected happens. She grabs my hand, squeezing it shut so that I lose track of my count.
"No, I mean... you can't know everything about a person in such a short time. Even after two or three years, you still don't know everything..." she trails off.
And for that one moment, I think she's talking about me. About us. About how even though we're close after a few years of friendship, we still don't know everything about each other. I don't know what she's thinking right at this moment, and vice versa.
But maybe she does want to find out all of the things she's supposed to know about me. I could tell her everything. I would do it right now. I'd whisper every single one of my secrets to her without hesitation, saving the big one for last.
She lets go of my hand, and I start to lean forward to declare animatedly to her that we should have no secrets between us, when she looks at her watch.
"Hey, you know what? Actually, I asked Keita to come over this evening. He'll be here in about half an hour," she says in a businesslike manner.
I feel physically ill.
Keita. She invited Keita to come over? And we were just having an amazing conversation about love and getting to know people. I was about to start us on some new level of friendship where we truly had little or no secrets between us. I was about to maybe begin to work up enough courage to tell her the things I feel because she seemed to be opening up to me by bringing up the subject in the first place.
But no. My hopes and dreams have been shattered.
Who the hell am I kidding?
Aya's a supremely awesome, shining goddess who can do anything.
Me? Well, I'm hot, but I'm a bit of a disappointment to people. I'm really just ordinary.
So why would Aya want to have me as her one confidante? As that one person who would know everything about her and be trusted to keep all her secrets?
Exactly. She wouldn't. Not when she has Mr. W-inds. Tachibana Keita, the guy that all the girls from elementary to high school are in love with. The guy that all the boys emulate and style their hair after.
She has gone and ruined a perfectly wonderful day by inviting him over at the end. And so late. It'll be at least half past nine when he gets here. I shut the doors in my mind so that I stop imagining what they'll get up to so late in the evening. Alone, unsupervised... No. Don't think about it.
I thought we were getting somewhere. I thought she didn't like him. I guess I've been wrong about it. Everything I've said today could be taken back and she probably wouldn't even notice.
"Great," I speak in a monotone, standing up without complaint. "I'll see you later, then. I'll let you two have your alone time."
It makes me sick. Sick sick sick. Alone time. Aya and Keita.
I want to push him in front of a speeding train.
Aya walks me to the door, but I barely notice her presence. She's essentially just kicked me out.
"Mail me when you get home safely," she says with a wave.
As if she cares if I get home safely or not. She'll be too busy with Mr. Spectacular. I bet he won't be able to control himself and she'll come crying to me tomorrow complaining about what a pig he is and how he undressed her when she told him not to.
And then I would actually go and kill him. I'd hunt him down and tell him never to touch her again. I'd punch him in that pretty face of his and make him bleed.
"Right, because you'll come to my rescue if I've been kidnapped and can't mail," I reply to her concern.
I say it sarcastically. Maybe she'll take it as a joke. Probably.
She does. She looks a bit amused. I mumble good night to her and leave.
I walk down the hallway. I really don't want to hurt her with my bitter words. I'm too upset to be very civil, but I still try to keep my anger at a minimum.
I think about my definition of love.
Love is love. I really can't decide what to do and what not to do. The feelings just take me over and make me do things. That's why I would hit Keita if he ever threatened the person I love. That's why if there ever was an opportunity and I got desperate enough, I would let Aya know how I feel.
I can't control this feeling in me. Nobody can.
So while I am very angry, I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at myself. I got myself into this situation. I'm the one who can't get out of it.
Love hurts, and that's the simple truth.
Topic: Friday's Children are Full of Woe (a continuing story) (Read 40283 times)