I’ve had this chapter scrawled out over multiple random scraps of paper, and on the noteapp of my phone for a few days now – but I’m finally back home and with access to my lovely laptop, and so I can type it out properly, yay!
Control
If there’s one thing Mion prides herself in, it’s the amount of control she has.
For a teenager, she’s a strange anomaly in that she always has some semblance of an idea as to what she’s feeling and why. It doesn’t seem like much at first, but amongst hundreds of hormone ridden pubescent girls, it’s the one thing that gives her an edge. It’s this smidgen of emotional certainty that allows her to be confident in going after what she wants.
If she wants something, then she’d put her all in figuring out how to make it a reality. Getting into AKB, landing acting roles in movies, getting into Mogi-san’s pants, ranking in the sousenkyo – Mion is quite adept at getting what she wants. In her opinion, the only thing one really needs to do is stand firm, feet dug in, and not give up until the desired thing rolls into grasp.
Initially it’s innocent enough, when Mion first meets Mogi, she’s kind of terrified.
The older girl makes her nervous, she averts her eyes on instinct and looks down at the wooden floorboards when she notices Mogi’s wandering eyes fall on her. She easily pinpoints the nerve-wracking fluttering feelings in her gut immediately – attraction. She likes Mogi. She likes her senpai’s eyes, her smirk, her smile, her height, her jawline, her well…everything, Mion take one look and decides ‘I like’.
Judging by the way Mogi’s scrutinizing stare seems to peel back her walls and peer into her very soul, Mogi has at least some modicum of interest. Good. It’s so much more reassuring when it’s reciprocated. Now she just needs to get Mogi’s attention. Not her wandering glances, or her curious once-overs, she wants Mogi’s utmost undivided attention, and she may have an inkling or two about how to get it.
During the interlude of their stage, Ayana follows the usual script and asks the newbies what they think of their senpais. There are the usual answers of admiration and respect for the big names like Oshima Yuko and Maeda Atsuko, a few aspirations to be like Takamina and Mayuyu, and then some comments about how hard working members like Paruru and Yuihan are.
Then Mion blurts out, “I’m afraid of Mogi-san,” with an impish giggle, and predictably, Mogi steps out of line looking a little indignant.
“Why? I’m not scary!”
The taller girl turns her full attention on Mion, those sharp eyes smiling down t her questioningly, “Why..?”
“Okay, you’re not…” Mion concedes teasingly as Mogi sends her a playful version of a death glare, and Mion is quick to exclaim, “I’m scared!”
Ayana quickly regains control of the interlude before they monopolise it too much, and says, “Mogi don’t tease Mion-chan,” and moves on with the MC script.
Mogi hasn’t taken her eyes off of Mion since her first outburst, and while it’s what she wants, it still makes her jittery. It’s the good kind of jitters though, tinged with a pleased shy satisfaction that one gets when their crush is paying attention to them.
“Mion-chan, let’s try to be good friends, okay?” Mogi offers, and Mion can’t help the elated grin that stretches from ear to ear on her face.
“Okay.”
Of course, when she has Mogi’s attention, Mogi starts to needle her on stage more. Single her out for teasing, and Mion is one part insanely thrilled, and two parts embarrassed to hell because Mogi can be ridiculously cheesy.
“Mion-tan is pretty,” Mogi declares, and Mion fights the urge to hide her heated up cheeks.
Hikari-san doesn’t help when she encourages Mogi, “What colour suits Mion-tan?”
Mogi makes a show of peering over the lineup and looking Mion up and down before claiming, “Mion-tan is cute with any colour.”
And yup, Mion is definitely red, as an uncontrollable giggle erupts from her throat.
“How cute,” Mogi coos, and that appears to be the breaking point for her peers, because Yuiri slaps Mogi on the arm and demands, “What’s the matter with you?”
“I’m sorry, she’s just so cute,” Mogi says apologetically, “I got fished.”
Mion realises then and there that her initial ‘I like’, is definitely ‘I want’ right now.
Mogi isn’t just pretty to look at. She’s charming, and kind, and she dotes on Mion and is it a wonder that Mion wants her?
********
They’re teenagers, and they’re attracted to each other.
Mion might have great control in identifying her emotions – actually controlling them…well…in her defence she is still a hormonal adolescent, and Mogi isn’t any better. There’s only so many ways that a night at a hotel can go.
When it’s all said and done, Mion’s jellified legs collapse against the side of the bath tub, her hands grip the edge, knuckles white and trembling as she struggles to catch her breath, heart thundering in her ears. She feels strangely empty, vulnerable, exposed – and for the first time, Mion thinks that maybe her single-minded zealousness for pursuing what she wants might not be such a good idea. When she stumbles out of the bathroom, freshly showered, but somehow feeling dirtier than ever, she’s not quite sure what to do.
Does she stay? Is she welcome to stay? Is that a thing? Mogi had left the bathroom rather quickly when they were done, and maybe she doesn’t want Mion to stay? Where should she go though? And as her thoughts spin around and round, her heart feels lodged in her throat and –
“Hey, what are you doing all the way over there?” Mogi’s smiling at her from the bed, and almost like magic, Mion feels her chest relax, tension evaporates from her shoulders as she ambles over to the bed, bare feet padding along the carpet.
She’s barely within arm’s reach of the bed when Mogi pulls her in, throwing the duvet over her.
“Jesus you’re shaking. Shit. Mion what’s wrong?”
Belatedly Mion realises that she’s crying, and she’s got no idea why. Everything feels off. For some reason she’s scared, and disconsolate, and why does everything seem so heavy?
“Hey hey, you’re okay. I got you, you’re okay,” Mogi’s hands seem to spark tingles as they run over her arms repeatedly, and every stroke calms her down, slows her heartbeat and soothes her inexplicably anxious thoughts.
Mion snuggles into Mogi, who is warm and very much cuddly as arms wrap around and pull her close, and Mion feels safe, wanted, and a little silly.
“Sorry I…I don’t know what happened, I just…” Mion trails off because she has no idea what just happened.
“Feel sad? Angry? Afraid?” Mogi asks, hitting the nail on the head, and Mion starts in surprise.
“Yeah, how did you-?”
“It happens sometimes, you’ll be alright,” Mogi says gently, tracing patterns into the skin of Mion’s thigh, “Can’t remember what it’s called, but basically you just feel weirdly sad or angry after sex. Happens to most people at least once in their life.”
“Oh,” Mion’s relieved to hear an explanation. She’s not used to not knowing what she’s feeling.
“One of those things they don’t teach in sex-ed,” Mogi says wryly.
“They don’t teach a lot of things in sex-ed,” Mion smirks against Mogi’s chest, and she can feel the rumble as Mogi laughs.
“Am I a good teacher?”
“The best.”
It’s the first time Mion loses control – and that kind of sets the tone for her relationship with Mogi – intense, confusing, inexplicable, and completely out of her control, yet at the same time, warm, comforting, and completely as natural as breathing.
********
It’s after a late night at the theatre, when Mion is so damn tired, her legs feel like lead and probably about to drop off, that Mion realises she’s doomed.
Mion crashes onto a bench in the dressing room. Sweat drenched hair clinging onto her face, breathing still laboured, and she might be seeing double. Or perhaps the room is just spinning. But she’s the youngest – the most junior in terms of the AKB hierarchy, being from the 15th generation and all, and thus is last on the roster for showers. So she might as well just lie down and take a nap while everyone else – whoa, okay, now the room is really spinning, and that’s no good, and why does it feel like she’s being lifted up?
“Huh? Mogi…san?” she belatedly adds the honorific, remembering that they are still in a somewhat semi-public area, “What are you doing?”
Because Mogi is half dragging, half carrying her arse off the (not very) comfy bench, and Mion would very much like to die there.
“Shower time,” Mogi announces.
“It’s not my turn –
“—no, it’s my turn, and you’re coming with me,” Mogi says in a matter-of-fact voice. Like the sky is blue, Paruru is salty, and Mion is showering with Mogi.
There’s nothing untoward about this shower. They’re both exhausted and they’re literally just cleaning themselves, but for reason it’s then and there, in this completely unsexy moment when they’re washing off all the sweat and dirt and grime built up from the day – that Mion realises, fuck, that ‘I want’ has somehow become ‘I love’, and fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
She’s in love with Mogi Shinobu. She’s in love with her senpai. She’s in love with her fuck buddy. Fuck could she be any more of a shitty romance novel cliché?
********
Mion is normally out like a light when they’ve finished. She’s not exactly known for her stamina, but sleep is the furthest thing from her mind at the moment.
As she lies there, naked and cuddled against an equally nude Mogi, Mion has one line of thought running through her head like a mantra.
‘I love Mogi. I love Mogi. Oh god I love Mogi. I can’t love Mogi. What the hell. Am I insane –
“I can hear you thinking,” Mogi’s voice jolts Mion out of her internal panic, and perhaps out to an external panic – before she realises that Mogi is being abstract, and there’s no way she can actually hear Mion’s thoughts.
“It’s nothing. Just too worked up to sleep.”
“I can help with that,” Mogi says before sliding a hand down between Mion’s legs, and then Mion is too busy to think.
She does sleep rather well after that. Still doesn’t make her problem go away though.
The problem is that Mion’s finally run into something that she can’t out-stubborn. She knows very well that it doesn’t matter how resolute, or patient, or enduring one is – it’s impossible to make someone love you if they already don’t. And that terrifies Mion. Because finally, there’s something that Mion would give anything to have, and it’s entirely out of her control.
********
It’s not until they’re preparing for their stage at the Eve wa Adam no Abarabone concert that Mion finally figures out what to do.
For some reason, Koasa Shunputei, the setlist director, really wanted to see Mogi and Mion perform together, and they’re all too happy to oblige. Neither of them get many opportunities for duet stages, and so they enthusiastically agree. Mion doesn’t think much except ‘I need to memorise the lyrics’ when told that they’ll be performing Kinjirareta Futari.
Then they’re rehearsing the lyrics to each other, and it hurts.
It almost physically feels painful to be singing this song with Mogi, and just why the hell did Koasa-san want to see them (and very specifically the two of them) perform this?
As if I threw a pebble into a lake,
My heart ripples in the water,
I don’t want anyone else,
Is this wrong?She wonders if Mogi can tell that Mion is singing this to her? Wonders if the words on the page ring a little too true to her as it did for Mion. Or perhaps it’s just words for her, and Mogi is just performing a song like she’s supposed to? The thought makes her sick to her stomach.
And if I hadn’t been born like a woman,
We wouldn’t have to be apart.And perhaps it’s wishful thinking on her part, but why does it feel like Mogi is also singing to her? God, she’s starting to become delusional. It’s one part a relief, one part bittersweet, and one part pure agony for Mion to sing,
“I love you,” to Mogi, knowing that to the elder girl, Mion is just singing lyrics off a sheet of paper.
It feels like Mogi reaches into her chest and tears out her raw beating heart when she finishes the last verse with:
So let’s leave in the lake’s boat,
And if we get tired of rowing,
Sleep in my arms. Because in this dream,
We can love each other forever.The song fades into the background, but all Mion can hear is static, and it takes her a moment to realise she’s crying – and oh shit, she can’t be crying – and Mogi is in front of her, a thumb wipes away at her tear stained cheeks, and Mogi’s eyes are red, and in that moment the noise disappears, and it’s just them. A silent understanding passes between them. It can’t be said, but they understand.
“Whoa! That was intense. Good job, but you two need to dial it back a few notches for the performance. Sadness is good, but tears will unbalance your voices,” Koasa says, killing any emotion left in the room.
“Right, yes,” Mion quickly wipes her eyes, “Got carried away.”
They rein it in during the actual stage. In fact, they rein it in so much that they’re then told it looks too robotic. Like they were just going through the motions, and unfeelingly following the choreography and repeating the lyrics.
Well, it was either that or break down entirely because that song hurts too much to perform. The emotions hit too close to home, feel too raw, and Mion refuses to do it again.
If one good thing came from it though, it’s that at least now she knows Mogi is on the same wavelength as she is. They have each other, and that’s enough to get through anything. Kinjirareta Futari makes Mogi and Mion’s relationship. Highlights and reveals their hidden feelings to each other, and cements it into what it is. Gives them control over a budding relationship that could’ve dissolved into a hot mess.
On the other hand, Oshibe to Meshibe to yoru no chouchou breaks Yuiri and Nana, and sends their seemingly stable relationship spiralling entirely off its axis.
Nana has always been ruled by her emotions. It’s a constant battle to prevent them from controlling her every action, a struggle that almost seems impossibly uphill at times. A little unnatural, like fighting herself. Understandably, sometimes, just sometimes, she just wants to give in.
When one of the theatre managers, Hosoi Takahiro approaches Nana about a performance for the Seijin concert, Nana is happy to agree with whatever. After all, it’s a great opportunity to have a solo, or even a unit stage in concerts, especially ones with confirmed DVD releases.
“It’s a duet performance,” he says and Nana is even happier about being able to choose her partner.
She picks Yuiri without a second thought, because who else would she do a duet with? Well…she supposes there’s always Megu and Mako-chan, but Mako has enough on her plate lately, and she just really wants to do a stage with Yuiri.
“You’ve got to make it unique. Many units have done this stage before,” Takahiro is saying, “You’ve got to make it fresh.”
Nana nods seriously, she’s always been up for the challenge of making old stages new. At this point it might as well be their calling card since AKB hasn’t had a new set list in…well a while.
“Of course, whatever it takes.”
He nods in approval, “I knew I count on you. We were talking about incorporating something controversial at the end of the performance.”
That gives Nana a pause, “Controversial?” she supposes her image thus far was not exactly quite ‘controversial free’, with the break and the documentary and the...fondness for women, but in general, it’s rather conventional controversy free, and she’d rather keep it that way.
“Oh nothing we haven’t done before,” Takahiro says dismissively, “Just not to this extent. Like, usually, we shut the lights off at the end of Oshi Meshi, so this time we keep the lights on and show whatever skit you two decide to do in full lighting. Something like that.”
“Oh okay,” Nana agrees almost on instinct.
A second passes.
Then it sinks in.
“Wait, I’m performing Oshibe to Meshibe?”
Nana doesn’t have a problem with performing Oshibe to Meshibe, in fact, she’s always wanted to perform that song. No, the problem is Yuiri probably won’t want to do it, and Nana just volunteered her.
Oops.
After she made a promise to ‘spice it up’ too.
Double oops.
Yuu-chan is going to kill her.
********
“Alright let’s do it,” Yuiri says when Nana brings it up over the next lunch they have.
“Wait, really?”
That isn’t what she expects.
“Yeah,” Yuiri says, taking a nonchalant sip from her latte.
Nana blinks, trying to decipher Yuiri’s rather blank-looking face, “…you want to do this?” she clarifies again to be sure.
“It’s a good opportunity. A duet stage at a DVD concert like this doesn’t come by very often,” Yuiri reasons, and Nana still can’t read a single emotion on her face.
That’s a worrying sign.
********
“I don’t like the performances of Oshi Meshi,” Yuiri admits when they’re in the midst of studying their senpai’s past stages. After all, you’ve got to know what’s been done in order to do differently.
“We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. I’m sure Takahiro-san won’t mind if we do another song instead,” Nana says immediately. She never wants Yuiri to feel like she has to do something she doesn’t want to. Their careers have a little too much of that intertwined already.
“No, I don’t mind the song. It’s just…all the performances so far have been…weird,” Yuiri says slowly, as if trying to find the right words to use, “They either treat it as a joke, or it feels like one person is taking advantage of the other ‘innocent’ one. I don’t like it.”
Nana considers it for a moment, and can easily see what Yuiri is talking about. She kind of figures it’s just the way the song is, but she supposes they’re supposed to make it fresh, why not change it then? “Well that’s an easy problem, we just do it our way.”
The dance steps essentially stay the same, but the way they execute them changes everything. Nana deliberately makes her advances less forceful, more coy than aggressive, and Yuiri responds with more eagerness and less terrified fear. The results make the number look more like a back and forth waltz, push and pull, both wanting, both nervous, neither afraid, and Nana is quite satisfied with it.
Takahiro is too – only he has another suggestion to throw in.
“You two should kiss on stage!” he exclaims after studying their rehearsal stage, “Yes, yes! Yuunaa – the popular couple performing Oshi Meshi and sealing it with a spotlighted kiss!”
********
It’s early-morning-O’clock and Nana and Yuiri are the only two left in the theatre. Both sitting on the ground, backs on the mirror, silent with a million thoughts running through their minds.
“We don’t have to – ” Nana begins at about the same time as Yuiri says, “We should really – ”
“—do it,” they finish in unison.
Nana has to chuckle and even Yuiri cracks a smile. Sometimes they’re in sync, even when they’re not. Their amusement fades fast though. Because the situation is just as ridiculous as it was a minute ago, as it was hours ago when manager Takahiro springs that lovely idea onto them after an otherwise great rehearsal. The sheer amount of hypocritical double standard in this performance is so far beyond funny, it’s actually kind of humorous. In a depressing black comedy kind of way.
They aren’t allowed to date, both management and fans would rake them over the coals for it, but singing love songs to each other and kissing each other on stage is not only perfectly acceptable, but encouraged. What kind of…Nana doesn’t have words to describe the absurdity of it all.
Yuiri is the one who breaks the silence, “I don’t want to kiss you on stage. In front of all those people.”
They’re essentially masters of conveying more behind their words at this point, and Nana reads what Yuiri is asking for loud and clear. It’s the first time Yuiri has ever asked anything of that nature from her, and Nana is conflicted.
On one hand, they’re not allowed, Nana herself has said that the reason the 48 Group have been unable to move forward is because of all the scandals – she has no right to indulge in this. But on the other…it’s Yuiri. Yuiri who holds her together while she breaks, Yuiri who listens without judgement, Yuiri whose very presence both calms Nana down and makes her heart race, and her palms sweaty, and awakens those fluttery cliché butterflies in her stomach. Yuiri who has done everything for her, and asks nothing in return.
Yuiri who has never asked Nana anything before. Yuiri who understands Nana enough to never ask.
Until now.
The conflict probably shows on Nana’s face, and Yuiri’s eyes cast down, guilt passing through her expression, “Sorry. I – sorry.”
It stabs at Nana’s chest, because she’s the idiot that put it there. And in that moment Nana doesn’t care about the group, she forgets about the rules and their rules, and all she wants to do is take the pain from those eyes, and wipe any hint of doubt away. Because Yuiri should not be feeling guilty for asking for something so simple. Something that everyone should be allowed to have.
“Don’t be sorry,” Nana says, a hand cradling the side of Yuiri’s cheek, tilting it so that Nana can see her eyes, “I love you.”
It physically hurts to see the resignation settle upon the other girl’s face, like she’d already seen this coming, and is steeling herself for the disappointment, and the last of Nana’s fortitude vanishes because she’s not that kind of person. She can’t keep hurting Yuiri like this, she can’t anymore. So she doesn’t.
“Yuu-chan,” her voice trembles a little, and she can see the curiosity flare up in Yuiri’s eyes.
“Yes Naa-chan?”
“Can I kiss you?”
She can feel Yuiri freeze up. Literally. As in her jaw muscles lock up underneath Nana’s hand. She supposes it’s a bit of a shock. It’s actually a little sad, how much of a shock such a simple request from someone you love can be. Speaks volumes for their relationship really.
Yuiri is looking for something – perhaps trying to figure out if Nana is serious, and Nana is very much serious. So she decides to prove it by leaning in –
“N-No,” comes Yuiri’s shaky and choked reply.
Nana stops, blinking as the answer registers in her brain, “What?”
“I said no,” Yuiri says softly but firmly, while gently disengaging herself from Nana’s hold.
“But I thought…” Nana for her part is entirely bewildered and unsure of what exactly is happening, “You asked…” had she been reading the whole situation that wrongly? Yuiri had asked her first, she’d been a hundred percent sure of it.
“I asked, yes,” Yuiri admits, and Nana is relieved that she’s not that off base, but is no less confused.
“…then why-?”
“You said no, and then you had a moment of weakness. You’ll regret it if you do,” Yuiri explains with a shrug.
“No I won’t,” Nana denies immediately.
“I know how important the group is to you. How important your word is, and if I let you break it, you’ll regret it.”
“Never,” Nana states adamantly, “Not when it comes to you. I’ll never regret you.”
“Answer’s still no. You can have your moment of weakness. I can be strong for you.”
“Yuu-chan, you had a point. Let’s not have our first kiss be in front of thousands. As part of a performance. Let me – ”
“—no,” Yuiri interrupts, eyes closed, sounding on the verge of tears, “Stop asking please. I’m trying to be strong for you, but we both know I’m not the strong one. If you keep asking I’ll give in, so please stop.”
Nana pulls Yuiri close, and wraps her arms around her tightly, “You’re not weak. I’m sorry, I’ll stop.”
********
The day before the Seijin concert, they have costume rehearsals, and Nana decides to try again.
Because after Yuiri brought it up, Nana couldn’t stop thinking about it. Something about sharing their first kiss – a supposedly intimate moment – with thousands of strangers rubs her the wrong way. They’ve always had a very publicised friendship. They decided on it all those years ago, capitalized on it because ships sell. But the majority of their relationship – the moments that count, the topics of their conversations, the nights they spend awake with one another, the tears, the joy, the pain – have always been behind closed doors, and Nana is very reluctant to share such an occasion with prying eyes.
“We should practice properly,” Nana says with a cheeky grin, “Give it our a hundred percent.”
Let me kiss you here, now, without anyone watching. Well technically with a few staff, and some members milling about, but that’s still better than a crowd of strangers.
Yuiri quirks an eyebrow and gives her an exaggerated roll of her eyes, message received loud and clear.
“How many times would I have to do it if we practiced properly?” is what Yuiri says. In other words, no.
“Yuu-chan –”
“Naa-chan is a pervert,” Yuiri abruptly changes her tone to a light teasing one, “I’m going to tell everyone you asked to ‘practice properly’.”
Nana smiles at her fondly, “Find, but that means I’m promoting one of my other ships at Myao’s Request Hour.”
It’s almost like a game to them at this point. To turn parts of their private relationship into fun public consumption – a way to lighten the otherwise depressing situation Nana supposes. If they can’t have a little fun while selling a quasi-real version of their very much real and forbidden emotions, then the situation would be a little too bleak.
But this time Yuiri is essentially using it to get around Nana, and that only makes Nana more determined. So it seems like their first kiss will be public. But that doesn’t mean it has to be their only one. If they’ve broken their rules once, what’s one more time?
********
Kissing Yuiri is all well and good in theory.
When the time comes closer, Nana is a little embarrassed to admit she’s panicking. How is she supposed to do this? How the hell is she supposed to kiss Yuiri in front of all those people? Oh god, she’s going to be kissing Yuiri.
Like that isn’t nerve wracking in itself.
“Do you have a mint?” she asks a passing staff member because what the hell did she just eat? Probably not something appropriate to then be kissing Yuiri afterwards.
Oh god, she’s going to be kissing Yuiri.
The only thing that keeps Nana from having a complete meltdown is the look of absolute befuddled confusion on Takahashi Juri’s face.
“What’s with you today?”
“Nothing,” Nana denies, steadfastly ignoring how her voice rises by several octaves, “Nothing at all.”
The former captain of Team 4 shoots Nana a look of pure disbelief, “Right. Okay. Nothing’s wrong, that’s why you look like you’re about to pass out. I’ll go and get Yuiri –”
“No!” Nana exclaims, before clearing her throat, “Er…I mean don’t bother her. I’m sure she’s busy.”
Juri stares at her, eyes scrutinizing her expression as if searching for a sign, “Did you two fight? Is that why you’re so weird right now?”
“No, no fight. We’re not fighting,” Nana says. Not in the conventional sense anyway. Yuiri is just being stubborn. Probably a bad habit she picked up from Nana.
“Alright then. Are you going to be okay?” Juri never did drop her mother henning tendencies.
Nana offers her what she hopes to be a reassuring smile, “I’m fine. Just pre-stage jitters.”
“…I haven’t seen you have pre-stage jitters this badly since your first stage. Well, whatever it is, sort it out. You’re on in twenty.”
Twenty minutes until her performance with Yuiri. Twenty minutes until she has to kiss Yuiri on stage. Oh she is so doomed.
********
The actual performance passes like a blur and before Nana knows it, the stage is drawing to a close, and the spotlight quite literally shines on them, and it’s now and her brain is on autopilot as she pulls Yuiri to her. The (slightly) older girl closes her eyes, and it looks like she’s holding back a laugh, and Nana supposes at least one of them finds this kind of funny, and then finally, her lips touch Yuiri’s. It’s a little disappointing when it’s all said and done. Nana’s too nervous to do much, Yuiri does a remarkable impression of a statue, all the while trying not to laugh – and then it’s over.
When they’re hurrying down backstage, Nana keeps one hand on Yuiri because she can’t let go of her now – and the interviews speed by. Before she knows it, she’s got another costume on and she’s on stage for the MC component, wherein Juri is making fun of her for being nervous backstage, and Yuiri’s tsundere persona is on full-blast, and Nana feels like she’s sleepwalking.
The rest of the concert flies by, and then they’re finally alone backstage without all the teasing and the prying eyes – Nana notices that Yuiri still has her fingers to her lips, like she still can’t believe what they’ve done. Honestly Nana doesn’t think it counts. Their eyes meet, and Nana can see the emotions flitting through Yuiri’s eyes. Want and desire like age old friends, accompanied by the usual guilt and conflict, and Nana decides that’s it – no more.
No more dancing around the invisible boundaries, no more toeing the line, no more guilt, no more shame, she’s done with controlling her wants. She gives her everything to the group because of how much joy and happiness it gave her back when she’s just a mere fan, but she’s done reining in her heart, because that belongs to someone else now. She’s done being in control.
So she lets go.
Starting with that kiss. Yuiri sees what she’s about to do the millisecond she decides to do it, and Nana expects a fight – so she’s completely caught off guard when Yuiri surges forward, a hand slides around the back of her head and pulls, and their lips come together for the second time that night.
They take their time, savouring the feel; Yuiri’s lips are soft, thin, a little smooth; she tastes like mint, probably from the lipgloss because she hates sweets and all those confectionary and fruity flavours, and so it’s no surprise that when her scent washes over Nana, she smells warm and woody, sort of like pine.
Nana is the one who pulls away at first, breathing heavy and head light.
“Told you I’ll give in if you keep asking,” Yuiri murmurs, and Nana chuckles, and then Yuiri cracks a giggle, and then they’re both in full blown laughter because what else can they do, when they both know they’ve done it now.
They’ve crossed the line. All those years of careful dancing, and reining in their baser desires and they’ve lost it.
Now what?
Next chapter preview: When their ‘double date’ Instagram live is over, Mogi drags Nana aside because something changed.
Sure, Nana and Yuiri flirt – it’s almost infamous how flirty they are – but that was a whole other level. It’s like they were magnets, literally drawn to each other physically, unable to stop playing with one another’s hair, or fingers – like Mogi and Mion back in the day.
“What happened to you two?”
Nana stares at her, first instinct to deny deny deny, but she pushes the reflex down because it’s Mogi. No one quite understood their situation like she did. She could trust Mogi.
“Are we that obvious?”
“You might as well be broadcasting ‘newlyweds on honeymoon!’ What changed?” Mogi all but demands, and there’s a hunger behind her zealous demand, and Nana feels a pang of sympathy, because she knows all too well of what that longing want feels like.
Happy reading, tell me what you liked, tell me what you didn’t like, what worked, what didn’t, what you’d like to see in the future, and maybe link me to some shippy moments for plot-bunny fuel xD
I’m really surprised at how much response I got for last chapter, I wasn’t expecting much, so thank you to everyone who left a comment, because those really are the bread and butter for writers, I live for them.
Topic: Hamartia | OS collection | yuuna mogion | chapter 2 'Control' 2/12/2018 (Read 5984 times)