Dear Friends,
I hope you enjoyed the previous chapter. As promised, I come back with another one
I am feeling quite productive this week. Let's hope that it will persist until at least another week
@Miniju: Thank you. Hope I didn't make you wait for too long for this chapter
@Haruko: Was it really? I wonder what you think about this one then. I tried to fulfill your wish... Well, kind of. I'll see what I can do in the coming chapters
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MORNING LIGHT ( 8 )
“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. You had probably heard the name before.”
I still stayed silent. She turned her gaze back to the sea.
“Something bad happened a long time ago. But, it still comes and haunts me through recurring flashbacks. Sometimes they come when I am asleep, sometimes when I am wide awake. They tend to get worse at a specific time of the year, around the anniversary of the incident. When that happened, I can barely function. I lost control of some things. Emotion is just one of them.”
I tried to process what she was telling me.
“After knowing this, won’t you be worried to leave your son in my care, Shimazaki-san?”
“Should I be?”
“Well, it is not the kind of state which will make me hurt anyone. But, it may still create some confusion or scare some people. So, although I seem to get better over the years, when it happens, I prefer to take a leave from the school until it passes.”
“Then, I do not need to worry.”
“No. But, some parents may still be. That is why I don’t usually talk about this with others, especially parents.”
“But, you are telling me this.”
“Yes, Ma’am. I was kind of gambling on what your reaction might be,” she chuckled. “I am sharing this because I want to assure you that there’s nothing to apologize for when you lost control of your own emotion. I don’t know what happened in your life, but I kind of understand. It must be something big if it could bother you that much.”
I did not admit or deny her words.
“I am also sharing this to explain why I was being rude to you before. I am not proud of what I did. But, it was that time of the year and I really wasn’t in the condition to be a proper host. I deeply apologize for that.”
I let a second passed before responding with, “I’m sorry. But, I cannot accept your apology, Sensei.”
“…I see.”
“Because there is no need to apologize,” I tried to give her a smile. “If my losing control over my emotion was not something to apologize for, then your inability to entertain an uninvited guest was not a mistake which need apologizing either.”
She looked stunned for a moment. But, then, she responded with a smile of her own. Right at that moment, I felt like we had both come to an agreement. We had revisited and accepted everything that had happened in the recent past. We had let them go, and we had moved on.
“Thank you for your understanding,” she said.
We let some time passed in silence while we finished our
dango. It was not an awkward or uncomfortable silence at all. It almost felt like we were just two old friends sitting in front of a seaside shop in an unplanned reunion. Surprising. But, not unpleasant. It was interesting how an exchange of a few words could turn a situation around.
“Shimazaki-san…,” she said at last. “May I ask you a question?”
“Yes?”
“It may make you feel uncomfortable. So, it’s all right if you don’t feel like answering.”
I turned my gaze from the sea to her face.
“When I came for the home visit, did I… Was it because of something that I did? Did my presence trigger a bad memory?”
I knew that this kind of question would come up. When I strengthened my resolve to see her, I had also prepared myself to explain what happened at that time. But, I never imagined that she would ask with such an expression. It was as if she was embarrassed… or ashamed. It was as if she felt guilty of a mistake she never made.
“No,” was my answered.
But, she did not seem convinced.
“Well,” I said as I tried to form better words in my mind. “It was not because of you, Sensei. It was not what you did. It was what you brought back.”
She looked confused for a moment, but then her expression changed.
“The money.”
I tried to smile. But, even to me, it felt bitter. Very bitter.
“It was not my money. I didn’t want it back.”
I could feel my chest started to tighten. I did not like this feeling. I felt like throwing up. But, I understood that I needed to explain this. I did not know what the future held. But, there was always a chance that I would need to explain this to someone else. To some other people. So, I needed to be stronger.
“It was given to me by someone.”
My eyes felt hot. They were brimming with tears. I tried to hold them back.
“Ten years ago, … It was given to me so I could… So I would…”
Why was it so hard to say the word? That stupid word.
“It was given to me so I could go to a clinic to…”
I tried again and failed miserably. Hikaru’s face flashed in my mind. I could not hold back my tears any longer.
A handkerchief was handed to me. Again. I took it in silence and buried my face in it.
“Hikaru’s father?”
I could only give her a nod. I tried to hold back a sob. But, again, I failed miserably.
I hated this. I hated when I felt like this. It had been ten years for God’s sake. Why did it still hurt so much? Why did it still feel so hard to talk about it? Shouldn’t I feel angry? Wouldn’t it be better if I could just spit it out? Wouldn’t it be all right to talk about this and curse him? Talk badly about him and his stupid decision? About the decision he forced me to make? He had ruined my life after all.
Then, why? Why was it that after ten whole years, the only thing that I could feel was pain? Why couldn’t I let go? After all, he didn’t love me. Although he said that he loved me. I thought he loved me…
I felt my body shook as I continued sobbing. Then, almost immediately, I felt an arm went around my back. I was pulled into a warm embrace where I stayed until the very last of my silent sobs.
Yes. She was a friend. I never needed to lay myself bare. She already understood. She did not judge. I felt accepted. I felt safe.
“I’m sorry about that,” I finally said. “It seems like, each time we meet, I always end up ruining your handkerchief.”
She laughed.
“Don’t worry about that. I still have some spares at home.”
It made me laugh a little as well.
“How many handkerchiefs do you actually have?”
“Hmm…,” she acted like she was silently counting. “Enough?”
We laughed again. This time, my tears were no longer of misery. I dried them with her handkerchief.
“Thank you…,” I whispered.
“No, Shimazaki-san,” she shook her head. “Thank
you for sharing. It’s never easy to share something like this with others. Pain, however small, will always come along when we try to recall an unpleasant memory.”
Yes. She did. She understood completely.
“To be honest, the money made me feel very uncomfortable as well. There was time when I was disappointed and furious because I thought that you left it for…,” she seemed like she was trying to choose her words carefully. “For what happened between us that one morning…”
“No! it’s not like that at all!” I tried to explain as I felt my face flushed. “I just didn’t want to hold onto that money and I thought… I thought…”
“You thought that I might need it more than you did?” she smiled.
“Yes…,” I quietly admitted. “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t make such judgment either.”
She shook her head.
“No, you shouldn’t. Now that I know where that money came from, I kind of understand. But, at that time, I didn’t know anything and I felt humiliated. The fact that you were already gone before I woke up didn’t help either. Some explanation might have spared us some misunderstanding and discomforts. But, although I tried to look for you after that, I couldn’t find you. I couldn’t get that explanation.”
“I’m sorry…”
She shook her head again.
“I am not telling you this to make you feel bad or to get your sorry, Shimazaki-san. I am just trying to explain the situation from my point of view, to let you know why I kept the money all this long despite my resentment toward it. There were times when I thought that I would never see you again so I should probably just give the money to charity or something. But, each time I tried to do just that, I couldn’t. Perhaps…”
She stopped.
“Perhaps?”
She took a deep breath and sighed.
“Perhaps, somewhere in the back of my mind, I still believed that I would see you again someday.”
She did not look at me as she said that. Her gaze was fixed to the sand beneath her feet.
“And, suddenly, here I am.”
She chuckled bitterly.
“Yes. It was really a sudden. Right when I was about to lose all hopes, too.”
I studied the side of her face as she said that. How deep had I actually hurt this woman? How big was the pain that I left without knowing? Did that morning mean that much to her?
“I’m sorry. I know that we barely knew each other. I didn’t even know your name,” she tried to laugh. “And it was just one morning…”
But, I felt like I’ve known you forever.Somehow, I kind of expecting her to finish it off with that sentence. But, she just sat there, biting her bottom lips with her eyebrows drawn, forming a squint. Her eyes never left the sand beneath her feet.
“When I saw you again at the school, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was really you,” she smiled. “But, it had been ten years. You must have met many different people in life. So many different faces to remember. What were the chances that you would recognize a taxi driver who appeared in your life for just a blink?”
“But, I did recognize you.”
“Yes,” she smiled again, “Yes, you did. That was when I thought that I might have the chance to return what was yours and get my closure.”
“Then, I dragged you into my mess.”
She laughed.
“It’s not a bad thing, though,” she looked at me. “Otherwise, we might not have the chance to explain and hear each other out. Thank you, Shimazaki-san.”
I shook my head and replied with, “Thank
you.”
She smiled. Then, she got up to say thank you to Yamada-san before asking whether I was ready to walk back to the car. I looked at the time and realized that we should really get going or I would be late to pick up Hikaru from the language school.
“Sensei,” I said when we were already on our way back. “Since you asked me a question, may I also ask you one?”
“Eh? Sure.”
“The reason you haven’t been coming to the cliff to watch the sunrise… Was it because of the bad thing which left you traumatized?”
“No,” she replied while looking straight ahead. “It was actually one of the reason I started waiting for the sun to rise.”
I raised my eyebrows. But, I did not say anything. I just made the turn to exit the highway.
“The flashbacks used to happen a lot more frequently,” she continued. “During the first couple years, they happened almost every day. They also tended to come at night. So, I had trouble sleeping and feeling very exhausted almost all the time that I couldn’t even attend school. My aunt was a psychologist and my uncle was a teacher in a local school. They saved me…”
Her voice quivered. From the edge of my vision, I could see her turning her head to look outside the passenger window. Yes. It was not easy to share one’s past to someone else.
“My aunt and my uncle adopted me. I was home-schooled. My uncle always tried to get home early from school so he could have the whole afternoon tutoring me. Meanwhile, although I was treated by a psychiatrist, my aunt also had an important role in my healing and recovery. She walked with me through every step of the long process. When I couldn’t sleep, she stayed up with me and we would talk about any random things. One morning, after staying up all night, she took me to see the sunrise. She showed me that, no matter how dark the night might be, the light would eventually shine through. I started developing the habit of watching the sunrise after that.”
She looked at her hands now. There was a smile on her face. It still seemed a bit lonely. But, it did not seem forced.
“Wonderful people,” I commented.
“Yes. They really were,” she responded.
“So, you stopped watching the sunrise after your aunt and uncle passed away?”
She shook her head.
“They passed away a few years ago. I stopped even before that.”
I raised my eyebrows again and made another turn before continuing with, “May I ask why?”
“You may,” she smiled. “But, we’re here.”
I pulled a stop in front of the school. She mentioned earlier that she still had some things to take care of before going home. So, I agreed to drop her at the school on my way to pick up Hikaru.
“So, I guess it’s a story for another time,” she said as she unbuckled her seat-belt.
“I guess so,” I gave her a smile.
She said her thanks before going out of the car. I replied with a similar thank you and waved her good bye. I caught her reflection in the rear-view mirror as she walked away. I started to drive away soon after.
I did not pursue further for an answer. I
could not pursue further. Part of it because I knew that it was not easy to share personal details of one’s life to others. The other part is because, somehow, I felt like I already knew the answer for my own questions.
To be continued...--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Topic: DeNight's YuiParu Delusions [Chapter Update: ML Final Chapter-Nov 22, 2022] (Read 58328 times)