CHAPTER 23
Churi opened her eyes slowly as she distinguished the light, familiar sobbing behind her back. It was the middle of the night and she was feeling awfully tired, but Churi couldn’t hold it against the other girl for unconsciously waking her up. A small, helpless sigh escaped her lips as she listened quietly to the heartwrenching manifestation of Jurina’s sorrow. It had already been two weeks, and Churi still couldn’t conceive what Rena had dared to do.
That Sunday morning of early April was still vividly imprinted inside her head, and she didn’t believe she would ever manage to erase that dreadful day from her mind. How could she? Without notice, Jurina had appeared on her doorstep, shaking like a leaf and tears streaming down her face. Deeply worried, Churi had listened intently as Jurina opened her mouth a few times to speak, but her speech was slurred and barely comprehensible.
When the revelation had finally left Jurina’s quivering lips, Akane had stared at her in incredulity for a few long seconds, before hugging tightly the girl who sought solace from her grief in her arms. When they entered her apartment, many questions piled up in her head. At some point that morning, she had texted Airi in search of answers, but the latter had remained strangely very silent.
Was it because she didn’t know either anything about it and was discovering the facts through her message? Or was she already well aware of them but refusing to say anything in order to protect the other party involved? In the end, Churi chose to leave her interrogations momentarily aside, focusing her attention instead on consoling the devastated twenty years old ace.
As the day went by and Jurina proved to be completely inconsolable, Churi felt it wasn’t wise for her to resume her activities on Monday as planned. She just had her heart shattered into pieces; she was emotionally too fragile. Nevertheless, she thought it best to keep her thoughts to herself, knowing in advance Jurina would never accept to take a break anyway.
When they both went back to work on Monday, she kept a close eye on her. One thing was for certain: Jurina’s moral was at its lowest when the SKE members arrived at Roppongi in Tokyo, and entered one of the dressing rooms belonging to TV Asahi.
The whole time they got prepared for the performance, Churi couldn’t help stealing worried glances in Jurina’s direction. Before leaving her place, Jurina had already cleverly covered her red and swollen eyes with makeup but she still made her sure her appearance gave nothing away when she checked herself in the mirror, not hesitating to apply a little more here and there when needed.
The illusion was perfect. Not only members failed completely to detect Jurina’s distress, the performance went on smoothly, a fake smile plastered on Jurina’s face while she danced in rhythm with the energetic song, and assumed her leading role effectively when she answered politely after that to questions asked.
As the week went by and Jurina never showed or expressed her suffering in public, the truth always emerged once they reached Churi’s apartment and found themselves alone. That Sunday, Churi had invited her to sleep at her place as long as she wished, and Jurina had taken up upon her offer. As soon as the door was closed and she was confronted with her darkest thoughts, tears would inevitably spill from her eyes. Tears she didn’t bother to brush away or hide in front of her.
Churi was always careful not to pronounce a certain name in Jurina’s presence, aware of the great deal of pain this person was already causing her.
No matter how many times she mulled it inside her head, she still couldn’t fathom the reason why she had suddenly decided to put an end to their relationship. A few months ago, she had witnessed clearly in Rena’s eyes her deep concern when she had come unannounced at her apartment to see Jurina. As soon as the pictures were released, the actress hadn’t waited nor hesitated to come back from Osaka to be by her girlfriend’s side and support her.
Undeniably, Rena wasn’t the most expansive person in the world but her actions spoke louder than words. That day, when she let her come inside her apartment and saw her walking towards the bedroom, her love for Jurina made absolutely no doubt to her.
It is true to say they had had a few disagreements in the past. More than a few times, Churi had been truly bothered by certain decisions Rena had made. For reasons she still didn’t understand, the latter had a bad tendency to keep certain things secret from Jurina, involuntarily hurting her in the process. Why didn’t she straight away inform Jurina of her decision to graduate? Why did the poor girl have to discover the truth through a graduation letter placed on her desk?
Not once in her life, Churi had ever expressed the slight resentment towards anyone. Human beings had qualities and flaws; they made mistakes. You couldn’t expect them to be perfect. Moreover, she believed to have a very forgiving nature. It simply wasn’t like her to hold a grudge against someone. In the light of the recent events, she could feel her opinion about the SKE’s ex-member changing. Little by little, she was losing the respect she always had for Rena Matsui.
Churi released another sigh when Jurina’s crying showed no sign of stopping, and she slowly turned around. As her eyes bored into Jurina’s back, she pondered over what to say to alleviate her pain. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the first time she heard the younger girl weeping during the night, even if it had diminished a little these last few days. Again, she was thinking about
her. And again, Churi feared her words would only have a limited impact.
Her sole desire was to help her go through this difficult time, but there was no miracle cure. Not only had she no idea how long it would take for Jurina to recover from this, she deeply hoped it wouldn’t leave permanent scars. Rena had always been a constancy in her life, and now she was completely disoriented without her. After losing her WCenter, she had now been separated from her lover. A lover she had cherished and remained utterly devoted to for two long years.
It wasn’t an act of thoughtlessness; the unfortunate consequence of an honest mistake on Rena’s behalf. This time, Rena was fully aware of what she was doing. Aware of the consequence her terrible words would provoke. No, Rena had absolutely no excuses for causing Jurina such pain.
Refusing to hear Jurina’s painful cries any longer, Churi scooted closer to her in the bed, and slipped an arm around her waist. “I’m here… Try not to think about it.”
The body against her tensed a little in reaction, but the sobbing thankfully ceased after a little while. “I’m sorry I woke you up…” Churi wished so much she could erase the culpability she easily detected in Jurina’s trembling voice. “I should have slept on the couch. Yes, I should-”
“No, don’t worry about it.” Churi tightened her hold when the other girl tried to move away. “I don’t mind if you wake me up. I told you I would be here for you, and I meant it.”
Jurina didn’t protest, and stopped resisting the strong arms that were keeping her in place. Once Churi was sure she wouldn’t attempt to leave the bed she loosened her grip, finding Jurina’s fingers to lace them together. They stayed in that position for a little while, and Churi was relieved when she felt the other girl relaxing.
Even if she had apparently managed to calm her down, she remained cautious. Considering Jurina’s small movements inside the bed, she knew she was still awake, and experience had taught her a moment of relapse was always possible. One second Jurina was smiling and looked perfectly fine; the next she could be crying her heart out.
These last two weeks, she had witnessed so many times those changes of mood. When she thought she had succeeded in putting an end to her tears, they would roll down her cheeks a few minutes later without warning. That’s why she refused to close her eyes before being sure Jurina had fallen asleep again.
All of a sudden, she felt the other girl breaking the embrace, and she gazed at her in curiosity as Jurina slowly turned around to face her. “Thank you for letting me stay at your place.”
Churi lifted a hand and cupped her cheek tenderly. “You don’t need to thank me. You know you’re welcomed to stay here as long as you wish. I’m your friend. You can always count on me.”
“I know…” Jurina’s throat constricted. “Thank you. Thank you for not letting me down. I don’t know what I would do if you… if you weren’t…”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Churi wiped away a tear with her thumb.
When Jurina buried herself deep against her chest, she slowly wrapped her arms around her body, longing to bring her the necessary warmth and comfort. Jurina’s breathing was shallow and fast, and she knew she was doing her best to control her emotions and prevent new tears from falling. Churi dipped her head down to hers, kissing the hair on the top of her head. Jurina needed a friend by her side; a shoulder to lean on. And she was going to be that person, no matter how long it would take.
If only she could find a way to take her pain away, then she would gladly do it.
It had taken a few days and a lot of reflection for Jurina to finally decide to go back home. These last two weeks, she had spent every night at Churi’s apartment, and mostly communicated with her mother through texts, and short phone calls. When she had informed her mother of her desire to stay with Churi for a little while, the latter hadn’t protested, not that she expected her to. These last years, she had slept quite a lot at Rena’s and Churi’s apartments; her mother was obviously pretty much used to her sleepovers by now.
To be honest, she still felt a little nervous when she entered her home, not knowing how she was going to face her mother. Since she was a child, she had always been very close to her, and there were very few topics that they didn’t discuss together. Her mother had always been her greatest ally; encouraging her to enter SKE and supporting her unconditionally these last eight years.
However, when her relationship with Rena took an unexpected turn and they ceased being simple co-workers, she never managed to find the courage in her to admit the truth to her mother. It wasn’t because her mother disliked her WCenter; quite the contrary. Each time the girl who shared the same surname was mentioned in a conversation, her mother always had very nice things to say about her.
Her mother appreciated Rena sincerely; Jurina never had an ounce a doubt about that. Nevertheless, she feared her opinion about her would change altogether if she discovered the true nature of their relationship. Maybe it was a mistake on her behalf; maybe she should have trusted her mother more and believe in her capacity to accept and embrace their relationship. In the end, she would never get answers to those questions.
Because she didn’t have anything to admit, anymore.
As she turned the key inside the lock, she prayed her appearance was appropriate enough. These last two weeks were pretty restless, and she knew her lack of sleep was definitely showing when she didn’t wear any makeup. Obviously, her mother would immediately notice the bags under her eyes, but she hoped she wouldn’t interrogate her too much about it.
“I’m home,” Jurina announced her arrival, removing her shoes and putting on the blue slippers waiting for her at the entrance.
As she progressed slowly inside, she swept the place in search of her mother, her feet stopping on the floor when she arrived in front of the kitchen, and saw the one she was looking for wearing a black apron and just about to open the fridge. At her approach, the warm smile of her mother greeted her instantly. “Welcome back. I was going to prepare your favorite for dinner.”
“You were?” Jurina’s eyes lit up in surprise. “Let me help you, then.”
Jurina detached the blue apron from the hanger and passed it around her neck, before tying the knot behind her back. Jurina always praised her mother for being a great cook; she had learned so many things by simply watching her in action. Much as she was pretty much used to cooking alone by now, she still enjoyed doing it with others, most especially her mother. Taking a deep breath, Jurina opened a cupboard to retrieve her favorite pasta, hoping secretly the activity and presence of her mother would enable her to take her mind off things for at least a few hours.
“How is Akane-san?”
Jurina looked up from the TV screen, watching her mother who had just arrived in the living room, and recognizing instantly the familiar red rectangular box inside her left hand. Well, it appeared her mother truly had every intention of pleasing her this evening, Jurina mused as the latter placed the brand-new box of Pino on the coffee table in front of her. Those small vanilla ice creams covered with chocolate had always been her favorites.
“She’s fine,” Jurina replied, scooting a little further away on the sofa when her mother manifested her intention to sit by her side. “She’s busy with SKE and her extra activities. Her scenic pictures are now featured in a magazine once a month.”
“Really?” Jurina’s mother’s voice pitched up in surprise. “It seems like things are really going well for her. It’s true she has always been passionate about photography. Maybe she’ll want to seriously continue on that path after SKE?”
“Maybe.” Jurina leaned forward to take a red plastic pick from the box. “Photography is not her only passion. She can do so many things; but I don’t believe she’s thinking about graduating quite yet.”
After that, they both quietly watched the movie playing on the screen, Jurina eating a few ice creams before leaning casually her head on her mother’s shoulder. Unconsciously, her thoughts drifted to Rena a few times, and she hated the pain the mere thought always provoked deep inside her. She couldn’t help it; it was stronger than her. Much as she wished she could forget about the girl who had broken her heart, she refused to let her mind in peace very long.
During the day, her work for SKE and extra-activities were thankfully keeping her busy enough to not think about anything else, but it was a complete nightmare once she had a little spare time, or when she reached Churi’s apartment at the end of her day. Under normal circumstances, a small respite would enable her to physically and mentally rest. Lately, Jurina dreaded those specific moments. Not only did they serve to make her brain even more active, she could never prevent a familiar face from invading her mind.
Rena wasn’t by her side anymore, but she remained constantly in her thoughts. Her simple image provoked fresh tears with incredible ease. Each time she cried over the girl she had lost, she desperately wished she had the power to go back in time. A part of her still stubbornly refused to accept the possibility of not having the other girl in her life anymore.
Some days, when the pain became unbearable, the thought of running back to Rena’s apartment crossed her foolish mind. Maybe if she demonstrated all the love she had for her, then the other girl would come back on her decision and give her another chance. When the idea grew to the point where she almost considered taking action, Rena’s words submerged her mind once again.
Rena had broken up with her because she had fallen out of love with her.
There was nothing to repair anymore.
It was already too late.
“I’ve always loved that ring on you.” Jurina came back to reality at the sound of her mother’s delicate voice, looking down to her hand when she felt her mother lightly brushing her ring finger. “It’s simple and elegant at the same time. How is Rena-san doing? You haven’t spoken about her all evening.”
Jurina tensed. For a short instant, she found it a little curious the way the conversation had suddenly switched from her ring to Rena, almost as if her mother was making a connection between both. She was only being paranoid, Jurina quickly brushed it off as a figment of her imagination. Her mother believed this ring to be a simple gift she had one day bought for herself at Shibuya; she knew nothing about the existence of the matching rings.
“I don’t know,” Jurina replied, keeping her eyes glued on the screen as she refused to meet her mother’s inquisitive gaze. “We haven’t spoken in a while.”
“You haven’t?” Her mother sounded genuinely surprised. “Did… something happen between you two?”
“Things have changed between us.” Jurina made sure her voice stayed steady, but she could already feel her eyes moistening. “We’re not as close as we used to. I don’t think we’ll spend much time together in the future.”
“Oh…”
Jurina’s chest tightened, hoping deep down her answer would satisfy her mother, and she would finally drop the subject. As she pretended to be interested in the movie playing on the television, she was suddenly caught off guard when her mother slipped her hand inside hers. “I’m so sorry to hear that. I know you were very close but sometimes, people drift apart. It doesn’t mean they forget about you or stop caring.”
Jurina felt tears springing to her eyes and she slowly slipped her fingers away from her grasp, mustering her best smile when she stood up from the sofa. “I’m a little tired. I think I should go to sleep.”
Jurina didn’t wait for her mother’s reaction and left the living room, relief filling her chest once she was safely inside her bedroom. Leaning her back against the door, she didn’t try to suppress her tears anymore, letting them fall down her cheeks freely. As she lifted her shaking hand and stared at the silver ring circling her ring finger, she cursed the object for inadvertently triggering this whole conversation. She had so desperately wished her mother wouldn’t mention Rena tonight.
Since that day of July she had exchanged matching rings with Rena in Kyoto, she had never removed her ring once. How could she? It was too meaningful; it symbolized her love and eternal devotion to Rena. But there was no more Rena and she. So why was she still wearing that ring? Tentatively, she tried to slid her ring off her finger, but stopped when she simply couldn’t find the strength within her to go all the way.
When Airi arrived that evening at Rena’s apartment for dinner, she couldn’t help feeling a little apprehensive at what she was going to see on the other side of the door. These last two weeks, she had visited her friend quite often, willing to stand by her words and be by her side to support her. After that dreadful day, she had never shed tears in her presence again, but Airi knew her all too well.
In eight years, Rena’s perfect polite and graceful smile – the one she loved to show in public or for magazines - never managed to trick her in the slightest.
Even if she didn’t manifest her pain verbally or physically, it literally transpired on every inch of her skin. The dried tears she would sometimes witness on her pale face betrayed her true feelings. They indicated with absolute clarity what she had been doing behind closed doors, out of sight and away from prying eyes.
Tonight, when Rena opened the door and they faced each other for the third time this week, Airi was admittingly a little relieved not to witness the usual signs of distress. Yes, her friend still looked awfully pale and tired, not to mention quite thin. However, her face didn’t show any sign of crying. Maybe was she only catching her on a good day… Nevertheless, the reassuring sight still managed to be of small consolation.
The state of her apartment; that was another matter altogether. As long as she remembered, Rena had always been a very organized person, who made a point of maintaining everything neat and tidied around her. Lately, she had never seen her place so messy. Dishes forgotten in the sink. Magazines and DVDs scattered all over the floor. Clothes piling up in the washing basket.
If she didn’t know any better, she could easily believe she had stepped by mistake in a complete stranger’s apartment.
Airi never dared to say a word about it, knowing perfectly well what had triggered those abnormal changes in Rena’s habits and routine. Her breakup with Jurina had devastated her, and turned her life completely upside down. Yes, the person standing in front of her technically looked and spoke like her best friend, but she wasn’t the same anymore. That Sunday of early April, something had broken inside her.
And she didn’t know when she would finally be able to see the light returning inside her eyes again.
Dinner was nearing its end as they were both finishing eating the profiteroles Airi had brought for dessert. Since her arrival at Rena’s apartment, they had mostly engaged in small talk, talking about how their day went, and a few shows and movies they had watched lately. Now, they had both fallen quiet, and Airi couldn’t help stealing a peek now and then at her friend eating the French patisserie made of vanilla ice cream opposite her, wondering what could be going on inside her head right now.
Of course, Rena’s calm appearance gave nothing away of her feelings and thoughts, and her eyes fell absent-mindedly on the necklace she was wearing. When she had spot for the first time the silver chain around Rena’s neck, it was merely a few days after her breakup with Jurina. It was a new piece of jewellery Airi had never seen before, and that Rena wore each time she visited her. More than once, she wondered why her friend didn’t make the pendant visible, but constantly kept it carefully hidden underneath her clothes.
“I’m happy to see you.” Airi looked up from the mysterious necklace when Rena addressed her. “But you really don’t have to come and see me so often.”
“I was just passing in the neighborhood,” Airi answered, but she had always been a terrible liar. A fact that got confirmed once again when Rena gave her a knowing look. “Alright, I was not. But I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m fine.” A faint smile formed on Rena’s lips. “Actually, I’ll soon be leaving Nagoya for a little while. I’m shooting a drama next month in Tokyo.”
“How long will you be gone?” Airi asked, a little surprised by the revelation. Yes, she remembered Rena mentioning being offered an interesting, new role recently – something about a pair of detectives investigating a series of murders - but she had no idea she had accepted it.
“I’m not quite sure,” Rena replied thoughtfully. “The total number of episodes has not been established yet, but I would say for at least a month. Do you want to take a look at the script of the first episode?”
“Of course.” Airi nodded, the other girl standing up from the table and moving in the direction of the living room. Unfortunately, her search proved apparently much fruitless as – after checking the coffee table, shelves and even the sofa a few times – she ended up turning towards her with a puzzled expression, and very empty-handed. “I was sure I had left it there. It has to be in the bedroom.”
Airi watched her silently until she disappeared around the corner and inside the bedroom, her attention soon drawn to the vase of forget-me-not placed on the table. Airi recognized them instantly: it was the exact same blue flowers she had seen on Rena’s table two weeks ago. After all this time, the water had turned yellow and cloudy, and the petals that were once a beautiful light blue had faded long ago…
Airi didn’t know why her friend still hadn’t thrown them away. Another time, Rena wouldn’t have waited to dispose of them as soon as the flowers would have lost their colors and freshness. In the end, she deduced it went along with the general bad state of her apartment. Maybe Rena had noticed, but didn’t bother to take care of the problem. Or maybe she hadn’t even paid attention to the flowers at all.
When Rena appeared still busy searching her script in the bedroom and showed no sign of returning immediately, Airi decided to put her time to good use. Rising from her chair, she gathered their empty plates from the table, and carried them away with the vase of faded flowers to the kitchen.
Opening the door below the sink to access the bin, she slipped the faded flowers inside. They looked really beautiful when she first saw them, Airi had to admit as she closed the door, and emptied inside the sink the water from the red, crystal vase. Unfortunately, fresh flowers only had a limited lifetime. They couldn’t bloom eternally.
“Where are the flowers?”
Startled, Airi jumped a little at the sound of Rena’s voice. She had been so lost in her own little world that she had completely failed to hear her friend leaving the bedroom and approaching. Placing cautiously the empty, cleaned vase on the counter, she turned around, noticing the other girl standing next to the living room table, the found script in hand.
“The forget-me-nots?” she asked for clarification, receiving an immediate nod in reply. “I threw them away. They had faded.”
“You… threw them?” Rena repeated.
“Wasn’t I supposed to?” Airi had only meant well, but Rena’s upset look was a clear indication that she had made a mistake. “We can buy new ones if you like. I’m sure I saw them at the flower shop at the corner of the street.”
“I don’t want new flowers,” Rena murmured back. “I liked those. I just liked… those.”
Airi stared at her in perplexity, not knowing what to make of Rena’s declaration. Her behavior was making absolute no sense to her, and she failed to grasp why her friend seemed so strangely attached to those forget-me-nots in particular. Even if it was a present from someone – a beautiful one indeed - they had faded long ago. Who would keep faded flowers in their home?
Unless…
That’s when realization hit her. Wait, that was it.
Those flowers were a gift from someone.
But not just
anyone.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know,” Airi stammered. “I didn’t know they were from her.”
Airi swallowed in unease, waiting in apprehension for Rena’s reaction. Why on earth didn’t she put two and two together when she came by Rena’s apartment two weeks ago? It would have prevented her from making a colossal blunder just now. Rena hadn’t simply forgotten to throw those flowers away as she initially believed, she had left them here on purpose.
Rena didn’t say anything.
After a little while, she slowly took a seat at the living room table, her fingers tracing absently the space where the flowers were previously placed. “Between the two of us, Jurina has always been the romantic. She constantly liked to shower me with affection and presents. I told her more than once that she didn’t need to do all those things, but she never listened. No one could stop Jurina once she had something inside her head.”
With empty eyes and a melancholic smile, Rena fixed the blue petals that had fallen around the vase on the table.
“When she came by that evening for dinner, I almost considered cancelling at the last minute. I was feeling so terrible; I doubted being good company. But the simple view of those flowers managed to put a smile on my face. For a short instant, it brought me back to the past. To a time when we were so happy.”
Airi walked out of the kitchen and took a seat opposite her, reaching out for her hand when she distinguished tears gathering in her eyes. “Maybe leaving Nagoya for a little while will do you some good,” she tried to sound reassuring.
A weak smile was all she got in return, and Airi gave her fingers a comforting squeeze. She couldn’t help blaming herself a little for her unfortunate mistake, hating being the indirect reason for Rena’s tears. However, this incident also served to reinforce one of her deepest convictions. Yes, they avoided mentioning Jurina when they were together, and Rena was careful never to show her tears in front of her.
She remained completely inhabited by the memory of the love of her life.
TO BE CONTINUED