@mo-chan: Oh dear... Then this fiction isn't for the faintest heart I'm afraid. It's going to be like... 90%-95% sad/depressing/(insert all of the words that relates to sad) and 5% of other emotions put within this piece. *gives a tissue and a cookie* Please don't cry. *gives even moar cookies!?*
@jell_o_jello: Actually...... Ayame was just a name that popped into mind randomly when I'm trying to decide who Mayu's and Yuki's second daughter should be, LOL. I suppose yeah, Ayame from Gouriki Ayame or something. (Feel free to insert your own thoughts on who exactly 'Ayame' here is.)
I guess I forgot to warn you readers that this fiction will mainly focus on sadness, loss, courage, trials, liars, cheaters, murders, bonds, relationships, yada yada yada realistic situation. (I'm a person fond of realistic-like genre.... type of stories)
SO. What I'm trying to say is that this fiction is purely based on sadness. So yeah. Make sure to keep a tissue box nearby
just in case tears leak out (which I don't know since I'm obviously writing and planning the story, so I have no clue, LOL)
Now this unfinished second chapter is complete, I shall forever delay this (or not. Depends on my motivation) and focus on my other two fictions. If I'm bored, I'll return to progressing with this fiction. If I feel sad, I'll come back. If I want to come back, I will come back.
Enjoy it~ (or am I suppose to say: "Enjoy crying/becoming depressed over it"?)
*Note: This is NOT a genderbender fiction! All of the members will be female (yes yes, I'm sorry if you don't like that idea) and males... are usually just other random made-up characters.
*Note #2: I recommend listening to this on repeat for this chapter:
(Painful Memories - Heavy Rain OST)
[2 years later]
Raindrops fell upon my small body, the sound of thunder storming through the sky from above. My black bangs were matted against my forehead and clumps of strands were attached to the side of my face tightly. Wearing a casual white t-shirt underneath the black jacket that Yuki long ago gave to me was accompanied with lousy blue torn jeans and sneakers. Standing outside of my car, I leaned against the compartment door with my back. I was soaked to the bone, shuddering at both the numbness and chilliness of the environment.
"You're finally here dad," the tomboyish girl Jurina grumbled. The tall, 11 year old figured girl that, surprisingly, became much taller than me approached from her school's entrance. Wearing her dull, brown colored backpack that doesn't spark any sort of girlish aura, she immediately passed by me without a second glance. She too was soaked through her black jacket over her blue t-shirt and I felt bad.
"Sumimasen," I replied in a quiet voice, knowing that she wouldn't forgive me anyway. The younger girl had waited for nearly a full hour for me to pick her up. All of the students had already left and possibly the teachers too. Tired, I took one more look at the depressing gray cloudy skies from above and opened the door for Jurina. She entered inside of the car and slammed the door shut just as fast as I had opened them. Silently, I slowly made my way to the front driver's door and got in.
I clicked on my seatbelt and adjusted the rear mirror. From the mirror, I saw Jurina looking down at her lap without much emotion. Water droplets dripped down from the ends of her black short hair. As much as my heart is pained from the loss two years ago, it pained me even more to see my other daughter be like this. Hoping to lighten up the mood just a teensy bit between the two of us, I offered a lame suggestion. "Jurina, we can stop by the gas station and pick up some snacks if you would like-"
"No thanks, dad," she replied in a cold tone. I ceased further talking and focused on the view in front of the car. Raindrops were pouring down and hard against the glass surface, causing difficulties for me. My hand inserted the key into the car and started the engine. Sound of rumbling and vibration from the engine was felt in the car. Then we were off and on the road.
Ever since that incident from two years ago, my life crumbled slowly and painfully as though God was enjoying me suffer through agony. To entertain him if I wanted to say more. Although I had attempted to lighten the damage to Ayame from the car crash, it was only I that survived the event. It wasn't... surprising. For a little 5 year old, that's just enough damage to severe her life line short. I was in a coma for three full months. And once I had awaken, I was slammed with the news that Ayame didn't make it. Diagnosed with brain damage and concussion afterward, I recently had major fainting episodes to the point I had to reduce my time at work and work in a different section of the hospital.
The relationship between me, Yuki and Jurina were now strained. It's so strained to the point that I even wonder to myself if I can ever fix the ties we had together. Or maybe it's already too late. Both Yuki and I broke up and divorced after a couple months from the incident, barely meeting each other. Even during work, we tend to avoid each other and only came to chat to each other about who's keeping Jurina for the month. We both live in separate household and had to take turns into caring for Jurina. As much as I still love the two of them, Yuki and Jurina placed the blame on me on the death of Ayame.
I can't blame them though. I too hate myself for causing the death of our daughter.
We soon came upon my house and once we entered in, took off our wet jackets and hung them on a nearby holder. Jurina quickly dashed off to the living room, leaving me behind in the entrance all alone. Sighing quietly, I took off my shoes and neatly placed them near Jurina's. Stepping out of the entrance and into my small house, I saw Jurina from across me laying on the sofa as the television screen brightened the somewhat dark room.
Squeezing the ends of my hair in order to rid of any excessive water from the rain, I took a step into the main room. To my left was a staircase leading to three rooms: The bathroom we both share, her room and mine. Then to the right, there was the kitchen connected with a dining room. Well, not really since there’s the cheap dining table located right in the center of the kitchen. The entire house didn’t need to have the lights turned on at the moment. With the glassed windows drizzled with rain droplets and the heavily cloudy sky outside, there was enough light to shine inside. It provided enough light for another depressing afternoon with Jurina.
An exhale left my lips as I entered into the same occupied room as my daughter. "Jurina," I spoke. "Do you want some snacks or dinner? I can make you some."
"No dad, I don't want any," she sharply replied back to me, her eyes still glued on the television screen. Flashes of soccer players ran across the screen, a cheer barely heard from the system. One of the players seemed to have made a goal, the soccer ball heading right into the net.
Jurina still retained her love for sports. I’m glad it didn’t die away just as her love towards me or her emotions in general. Though she was in middle school where sport opportunites soon began, Jurina didn’t participate in any. She chose not to. Maybe because she too was too sad other than watching others play in the games. After staring at the screen for a couple minutes in silence, I sighed gently under my breath for the third time. “If you don’t want to eat, don’t you want to start on your homework?”
“Can I do them after this show?” Jurina didn’t bat her eyes away from the screen as her mouth moved. “Just give me fifteen more minutes. It’s almost over.”
Not the type of person who wants to push their kids with what they don't want, I respected her wish. Then leaving her alone, I then walked over to the kitchen. I’m somewhat hungry. From what I have remembered, I only had half a bottle of beer for breakfast.
I was never an alcoholic. No, not at all. Until Ayame’s death that is. Ever since she left this earth, I fell into depression and just drank my emotions away. I know drinking excessively is bad for my health. But it would only give me a small sense of numbness to my emotions in order to escape from reality. Just for one moment. One small part of the day. Being surrounded by a daughter who will always blame you and a use-to-be wife never forgiving you along with your deceased daughter’s death hanging over your head doesn’t seem to leave me with any choice.
I also always had the thought of killing myself. Suicide could be my answer. I could be free from this pain. This torture and nightmare I have to live through. But I love my daughter, Jurina and now-Kashiwagi Yuki so much. What would they say or do if I were to leave them? How can they cope with it? They already have enough on their plate, so why should I add more?
The small white fridge’s door opened to show some leftover pizza and pasta we ordered from the restaurant last night. There were also a pack of beer bottle; three brown glass bottle still standing upright in the cold compartment. Apple and orange juice boxes were seen standing in packs near a pack of Pepsi soda cans. Overall, there was nothing that was special to be made.
‘I wonder what I should eat? Honestly, I don’t feel that hungry and have the urge to drink some more beer again…’ No. I resisted that temptation to grab another beer bottle and drink from it. Jurina and Yuki always hated me for becoming alcoholic, so I should try to keep it to a minimum. At least while Jurina is awake.
I decided to go ahead and take out one of the five slices of leftover pizza from the fridge. Quietly closing the white door into its place, I turned back around to see an empty table with four wooden chairs standing in the middle of the kitchen. Four chairs. Four chairs meant for four family members. Four family members. Instead of being filled with tears, I felt nothing and walked on toward the microwave on the kitchen’s clean counter. The silver sink on the right side was filled with a plate and two cups that I have yet to have cleaned from this morning. Dried yolks and some grains of white rice were seen stuck against the surface of the white plate. Orange juice remains and some beer were seen on the tall glass cups.
‘I should clean it up once I reheat and eat this pizza,’ I thought to myself and opened the microwave with a push of a button. The inside of the microwave greeted me with emptiness as I placed the cheese pizza inside. I closed it shut and pressed about a minute. While waiting, I crossed my arms. My eyes slowly trailed itself from the green digital timer slowly ticking away on the microwave to the white cold floor beneath my two feet. A long depressing sigh came out of my system.
More thoughts entered through my mind while I had time to wait for the food.
I honestly wanted to stay close to Jurina but I made myself unable to. Why? Because she viewed me like a murderer. Of course. Siblings have a much stronger bond than even the parents themselves. I knew exactly how it feels when my sister, Watanabe Miyuki, was with me before she moved out of the country with her ‘husband,’ Yamamoto Sayaka. ‘Speaking of Miyuki, I wonder how she is doing right now?’
I haven’t heard from her in two years. No, that wasn’t right. I forcibly haven’t heard from her in two years due to avoiding her. The last contact I had with her was over the phone when she was informed of the death of her niece (my daughter) and I was in the hospital with a fatal head condition. She wasn’t angry at me. Rather, she was upset at the sudden turn of events that happened right after Ayame’s death. Miyuki wasn’t able to come back to Japan due to her job, so she promised me that she would be emailing, mailing, texting and calling me monthly just to check on my status.
Truth be told, I didn’t want to talk to her. My younger sister. My only sister in the whole world and here I am, ignoring all of her phone calls and messages. Was it because of my selfishness? The need to punish myself for such situation I am being placed in right now? I probably was hurting her too. I heard it from Yuki herself before we had the divorce that Miyuki was worried to death about me. Worried so much that even Sayanee by her side was worried that I would drive my sister; her wife, insane.
Then there was both Haruna and Yuko.
They were devastated when they saw exactly what had happened at the scene with their own eyes on that very cursed day. Both were very sympathetic. It was as though they had completely understood the situation and never placed the blame on me just like my wife and my only remaining daughter. Haruna always stopped by Yuki’s home and Yuko with mine when we both had our divorce. It was a very rough time for the two girls also. Yuko especially. She was worried about me just as much as Miyuki did. Maybe because she cared for me just as I am her younger sibling. Either way, I didn’t feel comfortable with her around. I never felt comfortable when I received help. I don’t deserve this at all. I never will. So I pushed her help away, irritated at how resistant she can be.
The beeping of the microwave signaling that it has completed its destined heated time. I snapped my consciousness back to the present time. Without thinking twice, I popped open the microwave’s door and took out the now-hot pizza. Juggling it with both of my hands due to the heat emitting from the plate, I managed to place it on top of the table. Then pulling out one of the brown chairs, I seated myself on it. I soon found myself staring at the piece of food in front of my face. Just staring at it.
Staring… Staring… Staring…
I didn’t make an attempt to reach out to touch my lunch. Didn’t even lift up a finger. My eyes just kept on staring straight at the pizza. Steam lazily wafted up into the air from my heated lunch. Suddenly, I didn’t become hungry. No. I lost my appetite. Instead of eating, I got up from my seat. Taking the plate with the food, I walked over to where Jurina was once more.
“Jurina? I reheated some cheese pizza for you.” My words didn’t seem to have reached into her ears for she didn’t even flick a glance at my direction. I tried again. “Jurina, you know you should try to eat even if it’s just a little bit. Best to gain some energy to do your homework later.”
As though my words finally made sense to her, she turned her attention to my figure. Standing to the right side of the sofa where she sat with the food at hand like a father that spoils their kids too much. The look in her eyes. There was a flash of emotion behind her eyes before it returned back to becoming emotionless. She heeded to my advice and took the pizza from my hand, thanking me in a mumbled voice.
Glad to see that she finally is eating, I wanted to sit by my daughter’s side. But I resisted it. Instead, I reached out hesitantly to touch her right shoulder. Upon contact with my finger and the surface of the shirt she’s wearing, she flinched. Her shoulder retracted away from my hand and it tensed. Pain hit within my heart when I saw her reaction but stayed quiet.
Silently I moved away from her till we both were at a good distance away from each other. It still seems that Jurina has yet to accept my care. The hatred must be strong towards me. After all, the two of us are distant now. Closing my eyes, I tried hard to keep my heart from aching any more than it is right now.
‘Maybe I should go upstairs and prepare the bathtub for my daughter… She can take a bath before doing her homework.’
And so I did. Leaving Jurina alone, I made my way to the front of the small house and up the flight of stairs. One step, two step, three step, four step. Each and every step I took had the wooden board creak due to its oldness. The sound.... It's awful to my eardrums.
Once I reached to the top of the staircase, I walked forward in a straight direction till I came upon a brown door. Turning the golden knob, I pushed the door forth to be met with a somewhat medium-sized bathroom. The cold, blue and white colored tiles beneath my feet and the just-turned on lights gently illuminated the room with a yellow color. The color that would remind one of home. A bathtub was seen on the left with the sprinkler hovering above the area. Blue background with fishes designed curtain and was bunched on the far left of the white tub. If it were to be unraveled neatly, it would calm a child's nerve with their first time bathing in such foreign object by themselves.
As I walked over to the tub, I saw the sink that resided in between the tub and toilet against the wall. It was accompanied with two toothbrushes; one red and one blue in two small rinsing cups. Two toothpaste was in the cups also, noting that both Jurina and I have our own personal cleaning toiletries. Then there was the square-shaped mirror that reflected my tired face.
The face that once always had a smile was now exhausted. My lips was in a straight line. A stiff straight line as though someone had drawn a line with a pen horizontally below my nose. No matter how much I wanted to curve it up, the most it can do is form a curve downward; the opposite direction to where I wanted it to go. Though I must admit, my hair surprisingly still retained its usual perfect shape despite the mess I've been through. Shadows were seen underneath my pair of dark eyes, warning my body that I'm not sustaining enough rest. I felt bad. Not at me, no. I felt bad about the girl in the mirror staring back at me. Such physical state is a pity.
Shaking my head, I turned my attention back to the tub and began filling it up with warm water. Steam and heat rise from the water. It began to make the bathroom’s atmosphere much more warming that it already is. As the water level rise, sudden dizziness attacked my head. The world around my small body was slowly tilting counterclockwise through my vision. My eyes squinted as I reached my hand out to the edge of the bathtub. I unconsciously bent forward, leaning all of my body's weight onto the tub. The dizziness then stopped.
"I don't want another episode please..." I whispered to myself. Then ignoring the small event that just happened, I reached over to the faucet's handle and turned it to the left till the running water coming from the object cease to continue. The drain from below was seen covered in order to keep the water from escaping sneakily by a slip into the drain.
I stood up in a careful and slow motion, hoping that I wouldn't slip into another dizzy spell caused by my own head and possibly faint. The eyebrows on my face scrunched together as the right hand of my reached out to touch the cold, white tiled wall nearby. My left hand came up to the side of my head and just stood on my spot without moving; just staring at the ground beneath my feet. It took nearly half a minute to reassure myself that I'm mentally stable at the moment.
"Jurina?" I called out to my daughter as I stepped right outside of the bathroom. "Jurina."
"What, dad?" Her voice, which sounded like it was being stuffed with food, was heard from down stair in the living room. The television static could be heard along with her voice, telling me that she was still watching TV. "The bath is ready."
"One moment!" The static sound was cut off within seconds following after her sentence. Footsteps entered into the kitchen and the sound of plate colliding together loudly. Oh. Her action had just reminded me to clean up the plates. I forgot to do that. Jurina soon came into my view from the bottom of the stairs. She looked up at my direction but immediately lowered her head afterward. My heart noticeably began to beat painfully against my chest when I saw her avoiding contact with my eyes.
"You know," she began to speak to me again once she reached up to the top of the stairs and standing right by my side. "I'll handle the dishes if you can't dad. The dishes have been there since this morning, so don't push yourself."
That was it. That was all she said before entering into the warm atmospheric room where one would wash and cleanse themselves. I turned my body around to face her as she entered in.
"I can help wash you up, Juri-"
"I don't need it, dad." She noticed my silence right away and quickly added a couple extra words to soften her harsh statement. "Thanks for the offer though. I can take care of myself."
'No you can't. I know how vulnerable you can be.' But I nodded. "I understand. I'll clean up the dishes then."
The door that was once opened now closed between the two of us. It was like a barrier. A barrier that blocked off our physically connection with each other. Another sigh. How many times had I sighed? I lost track of it once I've reached to about fifty-seven since I woke up this morning. Funny how I even passed the time by counting the number of exhales I have made in order to relieve my lungs from the slow activity.
I decided to follow through with my words and was just about to walk away from the door when I heard sniffles. Those sniffles; they belonged to the one and only other household member. Jurina.
Alarmed, I returned my attention to the door. I wanted to open the door, but I can't. Well, one, I knew Jurina wouldn't allow me to be inside the same room with her aside from assisting her with her homework and school projects. And two, the door was locked either way. So there was no way for me to enter in other than slamming the door down with what little and useless strength I have been decreased to over the harsh two years.
I knew Jurina was crying. She would always cry to herself when there was no one or in private. My daughter is a strong girl. Always putting up a cool, emotionless expression on the exterior surface. But deep inside, I knew she was a gentle, tender and sensitive girl that wanted to be free from the pain. I would do anything to get rid of her pain and make her happy just like two years ago. Yet I couldn't do anything. And I felt useless. So very, very, very useless.
My so-called 'cyborg' face became my mask now as I tried hard to hide the emotional pain that was beating against my chest. My heart. My scarred and torn heart. I swallowed, now resting my forehead against the cool wall. My hands reached up to the center of my t-shirt and gripped it tightly. I bit the bottom of my lip to hold in my cry of anguish and frustration.
God really likes to torment me and those remotely close.
I could feel my eyes becoming watery. Becoming wet and the need to shed the liquids out of my eyes' sockets. But I couldn't and can't.
'I should clean up the dishes. I shouldn't make Jurina clean it up since she just got home from school.'
With that thought pounding inside of my mind, I then removed my forehead that has grown attached to the wall from the weight I've placed on it. I could feel that it might leave a red mark from pressing against the wall for a long period of time, but I didn't care. When Jurina's sniffle died down, I then turned my back to the room and descended down to the first floor.
Into the kitchen I went and saw the dirty dishes and cups where I had last seen them. Except there was an additional plate of course added to the pile. Squeezing my eyes shut for one moment and opening them the next, I soon got to work with the objects that sat on the bottom of the metal sink.
Fifteen minutes has passed and I’m on the last dish. They were all on the right side of the sink, all sitting in the now-wet rack. Water droplets seen sliding down on a couple and showed proudly their cleanliness. Cold water from the faucet ran down my skin as I rubbed a yellow sponge against the white surface of the plate. Squeaky sound effects were produced. A squeak with every scrubbing movement. A squeak with the pressure between the sponge and the plate. Remains of soap covered the object at hand once I neatly put aside the cleaner. Water then washed the remaining off; the white bubbles and substance circulating downward to the filtered drain. Once finished, I inserted the last of the dishes with its fellow companions.
After cleaning my hands, I rubbed my left eye. ‘I’m so tired.’ The thought just kept bouncing around inside of my skull. “Maybe I should just rest…” I was planning to go lay on the couch in the living room and take a short nap. Maybe. Or if I have enough strength, I can go walk up the stairs and sleep inside of my room.
I shook my head. Too lazy. I guess the sofa might do it then. But just when I made my way into the living room, the room began tilting to the right. Confused, I squinted my eyes only to find myself suddenly down on the ground with my knees. Then on my right side, the side of my head coming into contact with the carpeted floor. The fatigue was catching up to me as my eyelids slowly covered my two eyeballs. Once my eyelids has closed, my mind immediately ran away from reality and into the familiar darkness.
Topic: How Far Are You Prepared To Go? [Mayuki] - Chapter 25 [Update: 07/16/14] (Read 61937 times)