Title: Moving On
I shouldn’t be out here. I know how dangerous a city is late at night and honestly; I have no clue where I’m going. The weather isn’t any better either. It’s raining so hard tonight. The streets are slick and slippery for cars to easily lose control and hit me, but I didn’t think about the conditions when I rushed outside. I had to get away. I just had to! I couldn’t stay home and I can’t go back either. At least, not when she’s there. It isn’t her fault though for me leaving so sudden. It’s mine, really. It’s my entire fault. I’m not ready. I never will be ready. I don’t know if she can understand that and I don’t want that her to beat herself up because I left so quickly. I know she must be feeling so stupid for her actions and there’s no need for it. I didn’t mean to cause her any pain. I run with my head down as I make my way through the crowd and I ignore their glares and looks as I run crying like some lost child. And I kind of am like a lost child. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’ll go. I shouldn’t have just run out, but it was the only thing I could think of, even if I don’t know where to go. I sniffle a few more times and wipe away several of my tears. I’m completely soaked. And it’s starting to get cold. I have no jacket or an umbrella with me. I’m not worried about getting sick. That’s something that isn’t important right now. I hear my feet smack against something soft and soggy. It isn’t the wet concert; it’s something else. I snap out of my sad state and realize where I am. I feel my body sink a little as I look around me. Of all places, why did I have to stop here? I shouldn’t be here. This would make it worse. How will this help me? How can visiting my ex help me in any way? I fall down to my knees in front of a familiar gravestone. I stare at it for a while. I start to hyperventilate. My hands, on their own lift from the wet dirt and go up to trace the craved-in letters of her name. I think I know why I’m here now. It’s because I feel that I’m betraying her; that I’m crushing and forgetting all the love we had and shared for one another. That I’ll forget all the moments we shared, all the things she did for me. She loved me so much and I was so crazy about her. We were drunk in each other’s love. I could never picture my life without her, until now. One hand leaves her tombstone and my fingers press to my lips. They still tingle from the kiss I had briefly. The kiss was different. It wasn’t from the person I’m standing before right now. This person is different. This is someone I never expected to love me. The kiss we shared is still fresh in my head. It was so soft and loving, something I hadn’t felt in such a long time. It felt good. It made my whole heart swell and my body overflow with such warmth inside. I felt happy and alive from a single kiss! I snap back from my thoughts and just burst into tears hysterically. I’m not entirely sure why. I shouldn’t be sad. Something that made you feel so good shouldn’t make you cry, right? I lean in and press my face against the cold and wet stone. I don’t care anymore about the mud I’m standing in or the rain that’s falling heavily around me. All I care about is not letting go. I keep crying as I hold the tombstone like my life depends on it. This isn’t right! I’m not being faithful. I’m not showing how much I love her, how much she meant to me. She meant everything to me. She’s someone no one can ever replace. But even though she meant so much she still went away. She slipped from my grasp forever. Why did you have to die?! Why did you have to get hit by that car a year ago?! If only you stayed home that day with me like I asked; you would still be here with me. You would still be holding me and kissing me and I wouldn’t be this confused or hurt. I wouldn’t be in this stupid spot. If only…you didn’t leave and if I didn’t break that promise we made.
***
“Eri?”
“Yeah?”
“Now that we’re together can you promise me one thing?”
“Yes, anything.”
“Promise me we’ll be together forever, ok? That nothing will ever break us apart and that you will always love me, until the end?”
“I promise.”
***
She said it like those words meant everything to me. Like I was her light and hope to keep her sane and going. She sounded so scared of losing me and I was just as scared too. She loved me then and there. And I would love her back just the same. She smiled at me when I agreed and kissed me ever so gently on the lips. It was the same kiss that I had at my house tonight, but it wasn’t her who kissed me that time. It was someone else and I liked it. I enjoyed it and I even kissed them back. I had feelings that I only was supposed to have towards her. I broke our promise! I wasn’t loyal! I’m such a bad person. I take a sharp gasp of air to control my sobbing. I don’t know if you can forgive me. I can’t forgive myself. How can I if I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to her properly? I never got to tell you, that I loved you so much. We were only dating for five months and then you just disappear from me like that! It isn’t fair! Life isn’t fair! Why were you taken from me? And even a year after your death, it still hurts me. But if it still hurts me, why did I kiss someone else? Why do I have feelings for them now? I still can’t let her go, but I know I’ll have to. I have to say goodbye.
“I’m so sorry.” I mumble.
I sniffle a few times and wipe away my tears. I squint through my wet hair that sticks to my face. I hope you can understand. I need to do this to be at peace, to no longer feel this guilt. I lift my head up and look at the writing again.
“Forgive me Reina.”
This is my farewell. This is me; finally letting you go and moving on with my life. I know you would want me to be happy and I’m going to be. I have to do this first. Try to understand.
“Eri!”
I stand up, but don’t turn around. How did she know I was here? I hear you run, smacking your feet against the mud. You stop running and stand there. I can feel your stare. We both don’t know what to say. One of us has to say something.
“I’m sorry!” she blurs out.
I turn around. Her fists curl up tight and she gulps waiting for what I have to say. She’s covered in rain too just like me. She ran through this dangerous night to look for me? She doesn’t have to be sorry. It was never her fault. I look at her. As I don’t speak she continues to talk.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you! It-it was a big mistake. Let’s just forget about it ok?”
I shake my head. She opens her mouth to try and say something else, but this time I stop her.
“Ai, I…” How can I say this? I take a deep breath to gather my words. “I can’t forget and I don’t want to.”
She stares at me in surprise, “W-what are you saying?”
Slowly I walk over to her. She stands still and watches me coming closer to her. This is it. This is now or never. I have to tell her how I really feel. I have to take this huge step to break free of this chain that’s wrapped around me. To do that, I have to forget Reina. I have to let the past be the past. I wrap my arms around Ai’s neck and hug her for a moment. She hugs me back firmly understanding I need this comfort. I start crying a little again and I bury my face into her neck. When I’m calmer I move my head to her ear so she can hear me.
“I’m ready.” I whisper, “I love you.”
She looks at me shocked, “Eri…a-are you sure?”
I nod. She smiles at me and kisses me, passionately. I close my eyes and kiss her back. My body sinks into hers as I kiss her with everything I feel for her. One of her hands rests on my cheek, bringing me closer. We stop kissing to catch our breath and look at each other. Our lips touch a few times as we pant to catch our breath. We’re only an inch apart. Slowly, I can feel myself smiling back at her as I look into her bright eyes. I’m ready. As long as I have Ai by my side now, I’ll be ok. I’ll be finally at peace and in love once again.
Topic: Moving On[One-shot] (Read 3853 times)