I guess I have to explain my train of thought. Just because it's fiction doesn't mean the dialogue has to sound like some hack job from a really bad 70's B-movie.
I'm not saying that the fanfic itself is bad, I'm just saying that the dialogue is unrealistic. Take a look at TV shows and movies, for example. The really good ones have characters that talk and act in a manner that's
believeable (i.e. they talk just like people do in real life). Good examples of fiction are the ones where you read them, and you can honestly believe that they
could happen in real life. The first 2 and most recent Batman movies were awesome because even though the settings were pretty outlandish and the costumes/outfits rather campy, the dialogue and interactions between the various characters in the movies were honest and believeable (except maybe for the part about Bruce Wayne becoming Batman).
Batman: Forever and ESPECIALLY
Batman and Robin completely sucked ass because the characters got too hokey, too lame, too "over the top" if you will (remember Ahh-nold as Dr. Freeze? *shudders violently*).
The first four chapters of this particular fanfic illustrate my point very well. The characters, the settings, the way you describe the locations, and especially the dialogue, are believeable. I'm not saying that you totally need to re-write certain parts or anything like that. On the contrary, you should continue on with what you've already established. I'm just saying that your characters are human beings living in 2005, and that thus you should try to be a bit more mindful of how modern human beings live/talk/and just how they ARE in today's society. For example (this is just my little opinion, mind you, feel free to disregard it), with your conflict between Jordan and Mike, considering the fact that they're basically fighting over a girl, I would have had a LOT more swearing/cursing (especially during the parts where they were physically fighting). But, like I said, that's just me.
And in total seriousness, how often do you hear your typical person say things like:
"I tried to kill you once and failed, I tried again to burn you all and I failed. Well this time I won’t fail!!.” or
“Very well, I’ll take much pleasure in killing a treacherous friend like you.” in REAL LIFE??? If people really talked like that in their everyday dialogue, I'd be shittin' my pants from LAUGHING AT THEM!
Anyway, that's why I said what I said. Hope it clarifies it better.
Topic: Nono and Friends visit Canada (Read 5938 times)