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So, please enjoy and keep the comments coming 
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Thank you for your attention and love! Your comment really made my day, I loved reading it One on the things I wonder is about my writing style, and if I go into too much detail, like with the narration and stuff. But in my head it's like a play or tv scene, so I'm glad you like the style and that you see it that way too haha. I have to say, I'm quite happy in making you feel all those emotions 
. Keep it up and I'll enjoy reading your next comment (or short fanfic ) 
19 – The Jemmys When the show finishes, I head to my dressing room, bidding everyone a goodnight. My steps are light. I feel elevated. I don’t know if Atsuko saw the message, or even understood what I meant, but hopefully she will be at home waiting for me. Then, when I arrive, we can finally lay everything on the table and talk.
As soon as I close the door, someone suddenly opens it. I am surprised to see it is Itaki Mizuki. Without a word, she closes the door behind her and looks at me. Itaki-san stares, analysing me. Her gaze is so intent and strong that I feel nervous. From the interview, I already know she’s intelligent, well-spoken and logical. However, unlike in the interview, right here she doesn’t seem as friendly. With her straight stance and forward expression, I can tell she’s serious. Nevertheless, I can’t imagine what she’s here to talk to me about, especially to me.
“I’m going to be blunt.” Itaki-san’s soft voice says. “Are you in a relationship with Atsuko?”
Instantly, my heart jumps and my body turns cold. Fear takes me so quickly I can’t breathe. What did she mean? Did Atsuko say something to her last night? Was she someone in Atsuko’s life for her even to divulge such information? If she is, why have I never heard of her? And who was she to call Atsuko, ‘Atsuko’? I thought only I addressed her by her true name.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Itaki-san suddenly says. “And no, Atsuko did not say anything.”
There’s a touch of relief. But not enough for me to feel less tense. I am still speech impaired.
“I could practically see the hearts you were shooting from your eyes. Even if it’s through a camera, you should try to make it less obvious to the people actually sitting next to you.”
I begin to sweat. If Itaki-san could decipher our relationship from that statement, even though I addressed both Yuko and Atsuko, then who else could draw similar conclusions? I can’t even begin to imagine the consequences of my thoughtless actions. I could just kick myself. I need to fix this.
“What do you want?” I demand.
Itaki-san’s gaze changes and suddenly she’s laughing. It’s like she’s mocking me. I’ve never felt this vulnerable and ridiculed, even during my middle school days. It’s humiliating. At this point I decide I really don’t like her.
“Don’t look so scared. I don’t want anything and I’m not going to tell anyone.”
She says that, but it doesn’t reassure me anymore than before.
“But you can answer a few of my questions.” she states. My eyes automatically narrow in suspicion. “For example, how long have you two been seeing each other?”
This is not the first time a stranger has asked me a personal question. However, I’ve never felt this invaded. Maybe it’s because this is the first time someone who I didn’t know, was asking about mine and Atsuko’s relationship. It is too close for comfort.
“You don’t have to answer.” Itaki says. “I’m just curious. But let me give you a piece of advice about dear Atsuko.”
I forgive a lot, but I never forget what’s been said or done.
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I’m not good at relationships. From my first relationship in middle school, to all the ones to come after, they never lasted more than a few months. I always found flaws, sometimes in others, but mostly in myself. I magically foresee the ending of each relationship and then I create the problem to end it. To save myself, I ended up alone.
It wasn’t until I met Yuko that that changed. I realised that those relationships weren’t a waste of time. They taught me what I wanted, and what I didn’t want. Then, when my flaws revealed themselves, Yuko opened me further to see how much more of me poured out, how much more she could love, faults and all. However, at the beginning, even though we understood each other to hold deep feelings for each other, I was still hesitant in becoming officially. Being officially held so much burden. What if I predicted the end again, and then I was the one who made Yuko not love me anymore. How could I live with myself? So even though she pursued, I withdrew. It wasn’t until after years of chasing, and growing love, I jumped into the depths of unpredictability, with Yuko holding my hand. Since then, I’ve been trying to stay out of trouble, to not let myself think too much. However, there’s always a war in my mind between my logic and instinct. My instinct is to run away, while my logic tells me to stay and face my fears.
However, it seems my fears have been fulfilled because I’ve self-destructed another relationship.
I stare at the text message.
‘Can we talk?’
I think I’ve been staring at the message for the last half hour, instead of getting ready for Ariyoshi AKB Kyowakoku. My thumb hovers over the keypad but no words form. I want to talk. I want to talk so bad. However, why will my mind not put it down into words?
Yuko was one of the people who I could endlessly talk to or sit in comfortable silence. She is one of those people who make conversation easy. However, even with her not here, I can’t talk to her. I know what the main thing that’s stopping me from replying. Again, it’s my damn fear. I don’t know what Yuko wants to talk about but I’m scared. I’m terrified because Yuko means more to me than any other person. She is everything I think about and everything I want. What if she truly wants to end things? I brought this upon myself but I don’t want us to end. It’s too upsetting to even think about.
But then again, this could be a sign of hope. If Yuko took the time to message me, maybe she does miss me. What if Yuko wants to talk to sorts things out? I haven’t seen her in 48 hours and already I’m having withdrawal symptoms. I miss her so much I can’t focus. People get addicted to things that take away the pain. Yuko is my drug and her love fills my veins. I just want to consume her until I am overwhelmed with just Yuko, until I am drowning in her essence, so deep that I can’t see or feel anything else but her. She’s the one who makes me the happiest person, but she is the one who huts me the most. If I were to write this in a text message, would she understand? Would she feel the same way? If I told her everything, how I really felt, would it ruin everything? Can she save me from this fear?
People always say that in a relationship, there’s always a person that loves more. I know people would assume Yuko loved me more, but I think it’s the other way round. I’m sure Yuko isn’t suffering as much as I am. Like I said, she’s independent and strong, unlike me. I’m insecure and infinitely selfish. It’s just that Yuko’s brightness outshone my darkness. Now with her gone, anyone could see the shadows that hover over me. And no one knows my darkness more than me.
Maybe… Maybe I should just reply. I should just take the plunge again. Who cares if it ends up being the end? It will be better than always floating in limbo. I can’t be immature about this. I need to grow. Just because she kissed someone else, doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. I know I love Yuko to the moon and back. And if she were to ask, I would go further. The most important thing is to give someone your attention. So after the show I’m going to reply and we are going to set a time and date, and we are going to meet and I’m going to give her my full and undivided attention.
When I come to this decision, I close my eyes. Like this, I take a deep breath. Like this, it seems like nothing has changed at all. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People’s minds change like the weather. It is unpredictable.
When I arrive home, I am nervous. Well, nervous is putting it lightly. Very lightly. It’s strange, when I left, I missed home. Yet now that I’m here, I don’t want to step inside.
However, I need to do this. I’ve started this and I need to finish it.
I open the door and instantly I know Atsuko is home. I easily spot her shoes and her coat. My heart pulses quickly and heat rises to my face and rushes to my hands. I’m sure Atsuko heard me come in but she doesn’t say anything. She’s probably as anxious as me. At least that’s what I would like to think, if she had nearly the same amount of feelings I held for her, for me.
“I’m home.” I call, though my voice trembles.
I step towards the living room, and finally, I meet Atsuko. She is sitting on the sofa, and she turns to me. A small smile forms on her face and then she greets me.
“Welcome home.”
Her sweet voice is enough to calm me. We take a moment to relish this moment before I sit next to Atsuko. It feels unusual. I wonder how long it’s been since we’ve sat like this.
Atsuko looks at me to start and so I do.
“Itaki Mizuki knows about us.”
I don’t think those are the words that Atsuko expected to come out of my mouth.
“…What?” Atsuko looks away from me, gathering her thoughts. “Mizuki knows about us? How?”
“I’m not entirely sure but I think it’s mostly my fault. From the message I said during the show, Itaki-san said that she could basically see the hearts.”
Despite the situation, I see Atsuko’s mouth slightly raise into a smile. It shows how much power Atsuko has over me, because I feel myself mirror her small grin.
“But she did say she wouldn’t say anything.” I continue. “Can we take her word for it?”
She thinks and I see a scurry of emotions go across Atsuko’s face. I wonder once more who Itaki is to Atsuko. However, I don’t bring it up. I’ll save it for another time. One hurdle at a time.
“I’m not sure.” finally confesses Atsuko. “But we’ll just have to take her word for it. You can’t change what’s already happened. There is no time to waste on thinking about it. We just need to figure out a way to conquer this problem.”
There’s another moment of silence but it’s not awkward. We are too busy contemplating to be occupied by the notion of awkwardness.
“I think we should lay low for a bit.” I say. “Maybe when you go to the Jemmys, we should go there separately. Stay in separate rooms. Haruna must be going to support Yuko. Maybe I could get a room with her, and say that we’re going to support you two because you invited us. No one would expect a thing if we are together.”
“So you’re coming?”
I look at Atsuko and she is gazing at me earnestly.
“Of course.” I say. “This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Unless… you don’t want me to come?”
“No!”
I think Atsuko’s burst even shocked herself.
“No.” she says again. “I think what you said is a good idea.” Atsuko admits, but I hear her mutter. “But I would have liked to spend the night together.”
Those words, make me so ecstatic that it catches me off guard. I can’t help myself but I take her hands into my own. Suddenly, Atsuko looks at me and it feels like my life is already a brighter.
“Atsuko, you don’t know how happy it makes me to hear you say that. But we need to think realistically. If Itaki-san knows, how many other people could catch on? We can’t risk it. Especially with you building you’re acting career and I still being in AKB.”
I can’t read her mind and I bet there’s a storm going in Atsuko’s head again. She glances down at her hands, and then back to me. It makes my heart skip a beat.
“Okay.” Atsuko agrees. “Let’s do it.”
I nod. “I’ll talk to Haruna tomorrow.”
Organically, like it was meant to happen, I kiss Atsuko. Its light and brief, but I feel her swallow all my trepidations. In just that touch, one of the most intimate signs of contact, I let her know that I want her to stay with me. I want Atsuko to stay with me so I can just look at her for a very long time. Simply and plainly, I just want to be with her.
“Atsuko, I said we should talk. Can I start?”
Atsuko stares at me, her attention fully on me. I take her silence as agreement. Now all I can do is hope my words touches her in places where my hands can’t.
“I didn’t believe in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. However, I think there are a few lucky people, who can find that one people who are exactly right for them.” I don’t know how or when I started to cry, but through my sobs, I continue. “They’re not perfect, and it’s not because you are, but it’s because combined together, they fit. Ever since I met you, I think I’m one of those lucky people. You’re my one and only.”
Atsuko cries openly as she holds my hand, her thumbs stroking my skin.
“I love you so much Atsuko and I don’t want to ever lose you.”
For a minute, we both choke on our tears. However, Atsuko pulls herself together, even though she’s grimacing with the effort.
“Minami.” Atsuko begins. “I love you with all my heart sometimes it hurts more than you can imagine. I know time has passed and people change but memories don’t. I still remember the first time I laid eyes on you, how short and cute I thought you were. But then, when I got to know you, I realised how deceiving your image was. You are strong and brave. You take on everyone’s burdens, as well as your own, and still manage a smile. That’s only one of the qualities I love about you. We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain. You’re my drug Minami. And no matter what anyone says, I’m not going to give you up.”
We embrace deeply and finally I say the delayed message.
“Congratulations Atsuko.”
I feel her embrace tighten and I let myself enjoy the assurance of Atsuko’s present. I think this is the beginning of our recovery. It’s not going to be easy to fix things, but this whole event will help us grow. We just need to communicate.
However, I have other words in my mind. I don’t know why, but I don’t tell her what Mizuki said to me.
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I stare at the chat.
‘Okay. When?’
There is no reply to my message. I check the time sent. 01:12. Read at 06:48.
I give Yuko the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she wasn’t awake to think. Maybe she hasn’t had time to reply. Maybe she needs time to pull herself together, to check when she is next free. However, it was now 5pm. It’s been nearly 12 hours. And still she hasn’t replied. I dread to think it, but maybe it really is too late.
Shaking my head to myself, I put my phone away. It’s too hard to think right now, especially having practiced for one hour straight. I feel the sweat seeping through my shirt as I sit against the mirror. A fifteen minute break is all we get before we are going to start practice again. However, I welcome this work. Even though it’s for a short moment in the day, it keeps my mind off everything.
“Haruna.”
Mii-chan looks down at me. Out of nowhere, she hands me a bottle of water.
“Thanks.” I say.
I sip at the cold water, greeting the refreshing taste. However, from how Mii-chan is acting, I know she has something to say. However, I don’t push her. When she’s ready, Mii-chan always has something to say. Suddenly, she squats in front of me.
“I know it’s not my place to say.” Mii-chan says in a low voice. “But try to understand Yuko. Give her a break. Talk to her.”
I stare at Mii-chan. I know Yuko is staying at hers, but I wonder what she knows. What has Yuko been saying? I suddenly feel a blaze of anger. I would like to say that I would also like to talk to Yuko, but she’s the one who’s ignoring me. Am I supposed to keep smiling even though I’m dying inside?
Before I can even retort, Minami suddenly appears. Taking that as her cue, Mii-chan moves back to the other side of the room to talk to other members.
With a heavy exhale, Minami collapses next to me as I try to bring back my composure.
“How’s your ankle?” I ask, knowing it’s the first time since her injury that Minami has practiced.
“It’s okay.” she answers. “Even though it was only for a bit, I feel out of practice. Thanks for asking.”
“Just take your time.” I warn, not wanting Minami to be out of commission again.
She agrees. Then, she nods towards the other side of the room, where Mii-chan is.
“What were you guys talking about?” Minami asks.
“Nothing.” I reply. I don’t think I have enough to challenge myself in talking about Yuko again. Besides, it’s not Mii-chan’s fault that she’s become involved in our rocky relationship.
Minami nods, not taking much notice. She always knows when not to pry. It’s like Minami’s sixth sense. She sits next to me and my gaze catches on a single bead of sweat that was making its way down her Minami’s collar bone and slowly making its way downstream. Quickly I look away. I suddenly feel hot again. I take a swig of my water.
“Haruna, you’re going to the Jemmys right?”
I almost choke.
I completely forgot about the Jemmys and Yuko’s nomination. It’s strange how it was announced the other day and I have yet to congratulate Yuko. I’m probably the last person that will. Before I would have been the first person to praise Yuko, even though she didn’t need it. She’s amazing and I already knew how well of an actress she would be. We used to talk about how she would be nominated for these acting awards and I would attend the event as her date. We knew it wouldn’t come true, at least in the foreseeable future, because none of us can take that risk of revealing our relationship. However, it was joyous for us to just imagine. It was just a simple dream that I had an honour of sharing with Yuko. I almost laugh at the irony of it. The fantasy has now become a reality and I don’t think I’m anywhere near the picture.
“I’m not sure.” I answer.
“What do you mean? Aren’t you going to support Yuko?” asks Minami.
“I don’t know. She hasn’t asked me.”
“Are you guys still not okay?”
I inwardly sigh. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
“You could say that.” I reply. “How about you and Atsuko?”
Minami has never mentioned about her relationship, but I remember that night we confided in each other, how easily she could relate to my problems. It was another connection we could share. However, from the way Minami’s face lights up, I know they are in much better position than Yuko and I. I wish I was as blissful as her right now.
“It’s good.” Minami says. “It’s really good.”
I nod. “I’m glad.”
At least someone’s relationship is working out. I feel envious. And for some reason, deeper than that, I feel something negative that I label as disappointment. I didn’t know I could be this petty.
“Then why don’t you go and surprise her?” Minami suddenly states.
I didn’t think of that option and I already think it’s a bad idea. She isn’t even talking to me so I can’t even imagine how she would react if I just showed up at the award ceremony, unannounced. And I was the one that asked for space, for time to think. To add to my faults, I’m now a hypocrite.
“I don’t think I should.” I reply.
“I’m sure she would be so happy to see you there.”
“Would she really though? Our last fight… it wasn’t pretty.”
“It can’t hurt to try.”
Minami suddenly moves so she is sitting in front of me. It’s like we formed a sharing circle, with just the two of us. That’s how suddenly personal it became, like we are the only two in the room.
“Look. Atsuko and I have to lay low at the moment, but I want to go and support her and I’m sure you want to do that same for Yuko. So, let’s share a room and go together. That way you don’t have to exactly be in Yuko’s face, but you can show that despite everything that’s happened, you do love her.”
I don’t know if it’s the sharing circle, but Minami makes sense.
“I guess so.” I hear myself admit.
“Right? And then we can just treat it like a sleepover. We haven’t had one of those in a while.”
This time I laugh. Minami knows how to make me smile, even if she is a complete.
“Okay.” I say. “You’ve convinced me.”
“Yay!” happily exclaims Minami.
Then, she suddenly grabs my shoulders and pulls me into a rough embrace. Even though we’re still moist with sweat and it’s sticky and uncomfortable, I don’t mind it. I feel her breathe and it makes my own chest beat. I don’t know why but this embrace, with its clumsiness, feels similar to Yuko’s sudden hugs. The familiarity is like a blanket, warm and full of security, despite it only being a thin veil. I wonder when I am going to be able to actually hold Yuko in my arms. Well, for now, I guess Minami is just as good.
Topic: How Long Does Forever Last? - Chapter 19 (AtsuMina & KojiYuu) 10/09/2015 (Read 71020 times)