Having spent the better part of the morning melting my brain at
no site in particular, it has occurred to me that there are still a few people out there that don't understand how to produce quality criticism. As a public service, I am here to set the record straight.
First you need to decide if you like the show or not. If you like it, it gets a 10/10. If you don't, it gets a 1/10.
These are your only options. Let me explain.
Giving a score like 7/10 will just make you seem wishy-washy. All good reviewers know that in order to be taken seriously, you must first pelt your audience into submission with a sweeping sense of authority. An all-or-nothing score is like a paddle to the reader's head.
How can someone not take you seriously when you're paddling their head?Remember, this is a review, not a math test. Leave the complicated equations to the graphing-calculator set, i.e. nerds. Median scores are soft and girly, like fluffy pink pillows, and have no place in the arsenal of a serious reviewer such as yourself.
Note: If you've never seen the show before, make your decision based entirely on how hawt the cast members are.
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Now that you've decided on a score, your review needs a body. Here's a few things to keep in mind:
- The number one reason people read drama reviews is because they want to know how 'kawaiiiii~' the stars are. Don't waste precious bytes rambling about useless crap like story or music, no one cares.
- The best reviews needn't exceed two sentences. Elaboration is a communist conspiracy and should be avoided at all costs. What's the point of giving a head-paddling score if you have to waste a bunch of time explaining it?
- At least 50% of the adjectives in your review should be Japanese words. It's okay if you don't know what these words mean, it's far more important to demonstrate your attunement with the source culture by observing that Ueto Aya is 'cho-kawaiiii!' or that Attention Please was 'cho-okashiiii!' or that One Litre of Tears made you feel 'cho-issankatansochuudoku!'.
- If the show features a prominent musician in an acting role, take into account whether you like their music. "NEWS SUCKS 1/10" is a perfectly acceptable and well-formed review for Kurosagi.
- Punctuation is optional, except for tildes~ which should be inserted~~ after random~~~~~ words throughout.
- If the show has a lot of shameless, unnecessary moralizing, be sure to note how it "change my life~" and how much it matured you. Even if you hate the show, you need to let everyone know that underneath that tough, authoritative exterior is a person who was previously unaware that money can't buy happiness or that murdering people is wrong.
- Bonus points if you end your review with either "arigato~", "ganbare~" or "gomenasai~", typed just like that. Whether it makes contextual sense is irrelevant.
Now, let's look at some examples from the masters, copy/pasted directly from
some unknown site:
[Rating: 10/10]
ryo-chaaaaan~~~
Really, what more needs to be said? This tells me everything I need to know.
[Rating: 1/10]
this is bullshit
The master of subtlety. With a little effort, this reviewer may be able to reduce the text even further, perhaps to a simple "fuck you".
[Rating: 10/10]
i cannot stop crying , and " TAK KERING GUSI " :(( , i dont want to live anymore after watching this jdaroma.
Wow, that really makes me want to watch it!
[Rating: 10/10]
i buy this story recently and i,m enjoy wacthing it but i dont really like yamap hair style n i feel like i want 2 cut some of his hair and i think maki is so busy body kind of person but i give 10 because i like yamap so much.
Truly profound, I know that when I was watching the show I couldn't stop thinking about taking a sharp object to Yamapi's skull either.
[Rating: 10/10]
metcha sugoiiii
Don't you feel like you've learned a lot from reading this? I am so grateful that this person took eight seconds of their life to tell me absolutely nothing in poorly-formed romaji. ganbare, reviewer-san~~~
[Rating: 10/10]
aww this movie was the cutest movie ever. i liked erika the best. she's so cute and adorable! especially when she smiles. and i love her haircut!
No sense in wasting words on meaningless stuff, this review gets right to the point. Erika's hair is clearly the make-or-break factor here. I mean, I guess it was nice of them to write a script around it and all, but no one really cares about that kind of shit, do they?
[Rating: 10/10]
our life is so meningful. after i watched this drama, i see that we must appreciate our live.
Seeing Sawajiri in a bikini makes me feel the same way, brother.
[Rating: 10/10]
WATASHI WA SAYURI DESU YORoPpiku OnEgaiShimAsu nee XD
PERU KARA KITE moOu---6 nEn KuRai TACchimasUUu KEDOOOOoO AnnMAri"""NIHONGO""YOuuZu De Wa ArimAshEnnNn XSSS
DRAMA suGoiDEsuU nEe....MiTeru TO SuGgOiiiii KANDOU shimAsUshiiiii!!!(L)(U)
HOnTOu ni AyA-Chan KAWaiSOoOO!!!NAnDE ByoUkI Ga chouDO AYa ChAn ni kEmTA nO KAnAAa¿?S0Re Wa.......(N)
Ahh!!!!TORRENT?????kAna :S ????DOuuuYatTee DOWloAnD suRunDesu-ka???MAE kaRA ZuuuuuuuuuuuuTtO SoRe wO kikiTakuTe....:S:S HonTOw ni PC De miTaI Desu!!!!!
DaKARa DaRekAAa oShieTE kuRemASenkAAaa???OnEGai onEGaiii.......PlEASE!!!!!!!!!
(((((YARiKATa oShiETe kuDAa Saii!!!!!!!!!)))))))))))
DEWa DEWa...MinnA kYoUSuKETEee!!!
bai bAiiChUUUUUU!!!!!!
I saved the best for last. Stare in awe, friends, this is probably the greatest review ever written for anything ever. I wish I knew the Japanese word for 'epic' because if I did I'd type it in alt-caps followed by about a dozen exclamation points and then vomit up some random emotes to make it as unreadable as possible.
It's especially impressive that this person saw fit to include a review score while suggesting that he hasn't even seen the show, indicating that besides being a Japanese language authority he is also a clairvoyant. Psychics make the best reviewers because they're awesome and can do card tricks like Mistress Cleo.
There you have it. I hope you've learned something. Maybe we can at last put an end to all these sickening nerd reviews with their useless plot analysis and relevant commentary, and return to what really matters: Yamapi's hair.