Title: Letting Go
“Are you ready to go home?” I ask
I lean in to give Reina a kiss, but she turns her head so that I kiss her on the cheek instead. I feel my heart throb when she does that. She’s been very distant with me for a few months. I don’t understand why. I mean I do, but…I thought we looked past that already. I’ve forgiven her.
Why hasn’t she stopped? She promised me she would never do it again. She said she would never cheat on me, but the more she acts like this, the more I think she hasn’t stuck to her word. I know she’s still doing it. She’s still…going over HER house late at night.
She tries to hide it, but I know. She can’t lie to me. I’ve known her for too long to not see.
And I see them. Sometimes the two of them flirt, right in front of my eyes. They try to keep it as a friendly thing, but I’m not as slow or dumb as everyone says I am. I know what’s going on. I know that she’s sleeping with her. And it hurts me.
It kills me inside. Sayumi asked me one time why am I still with Reina even though I know she’s doing God knows what with Ai. And to be honest…I’m not entirely sure why. I guess it was because she was very convincing that night when she begged me to take her back. I caught them in the act the same night she asked me to forgive her and like an idiot I gave in to her tears and sobs.
I gave in like any other nice person would do. I gave her a second chance. I thought she could change, that she could stop doing the things she is with Ai, but I guess that’s just too much to ask from her. I don’t know why I don’t end it now for the final time. I probably should, but I can’t.
She means so much to me. We’ve done and been through so much together. She was my first crush, my first love, even my first time. She has so much value to me. She has such a large part of my heart I’m sure I can never get back.
I’m afraid to let her go. Even though I know I should. I know she’s only hurting me more. She’s killing me inside, but I don’t think she can see that.
“Not this time Eri. I have something important to do. I’m sorry. You don’t mind do you?” She says.
She puts on her cute smile she knows I love. And I can’t help, but melt every time I see it. Her smile is so innocent, so charming. She has a smile that lights up her face. It’s a type of smile that anyone could fall in love with. I know I did.
I smile back the best I can and agree. The moment I say yes, I feel my heart sink just a little lower. She doesn’t notice though. She just smiles bigger and hugs me. Then she plants a small and quick kiss on my lips and leaves.
The farther she walks away from me, the more I feel myself fill with sorrow and dread. I know that she’s not really leaving for business. And I know she has nothing important to do either. She’s going to see Ai, but I don’t tell her I know that. I don’t even stop her from walking away.
I don’t yell at her or confront her. Instead, I do nothing. Like always. My body is paralyzed in place and my mouth can’t seem to work either. I just let her slip through my fingers to do her dirty little deed. She won’t stop.
I’ve figured that out after about the fifth night. Sometimes she doesn’t return home or just leaves in the middle of the night. I just wish she wouldn’t do it anymore. Sayumi tells me I’m in denial, but I don’t like to consider that. It would only kill me more inside if I agree with her. I walk down the street returning to my house alone.
It’s raining outside heavily, but I don’t care. I don’t feel like calling a cab. I need this walk to take my mind of things. I have no idea when she will come back home. Sometimes she doesn’t come back at all and I wake up alone.
Sometimes she comes back at dawn and sleeps next to me, acting like everything is normal. And like the idiot I am, I accept her. I even hold her as I sleep. Inviting her into our bed with opens arms. I know she’s been touched in ways that only I’m supposed to do.
She’s supposed to be for me. For my hands to touch and claim, I’m supposed to be the person that makes my Reina feel good and cry out only MY name. Instead of Ai’s. At least she washes herself before she comes into bed. Then I don’t have to smell her.
I don’t have to smell another girl’s scent that clings to Reina’s hair or her clothes. Sometimes the fresh clean out of the shower smell helps me get through the thought of how she must have really smelled before she left Ai’s place. I remember when I used to be able to smell our scent together after we made love. She would always ask me to stay still as I hold her so she could smell it and relish it.
Now, she barely lets me hold her after we have sex. I’m home in about thirty minutes and I’m soaked completely from the rain. I didn’t have an umbrella with me and the hood to my sweater didn’t supply much protection. I don’t care if I catch a cold. I’m so numb right now.
I still can’t get my mind off Reina. Maybe I should take a bath. That always calms me down. I walk straight to the bathroom after I take my shoes off. Tiny puddles of water trail from the door to the bathroom on the floor as I walk.
My body shivers from the cold water from my wet clothing. I should just say something. I should tell Reina we’re over. That I can’t take anymore of this, but the harsh fact is, that I still love her. I still love her with all my heart even if she doesn’t return even half the feelings I give her.
I decided to stay in ignorance to what she’s doing. But who cares about what she’s doing. Reina will be home in a few hours and we’ll be ok again. She’ll hold me and kiss me, tell me I’m sorry and how much she loves me. So that’s a big lie, but it helps me get by to think like that.
I know I shouldn’t. It’s not healthy, but I do it anyway. I sigh and remove my wet clothing quickly. I throw them to the side and hear them fall with a loud squishy ‘splat’ and turn the taps on. The hot water fills the tub rapidly and the room begins to fog.
When it’s warm enough I carefully go in and submerge my whole body under the water. I hold my breath and water starts to fill my nose and ears. I can’t hear anything and all I can see is darkness. My eyes are closed tight as I lay there. The sound of silence is somehow comforting to me.
The whole world is flushed from my head when I’m under here, hiding. It’s like all my wounds wash away. All but one, this wound is just too deep to get rid of. And no matter how much I try to patch it back up, the wound opens again and it’s deeper than before. So all I could do is ignore it and hide it.
Rather than fix it for good. I hold my breath as long as I can and then I reach the surface for a gasp of fresh air. I wipe the water from my eyes and push back my wet dark tresses. The bathroom is surrounded completely with fog. I can’t see anything farther than the length of my arm.
It’s like I’m completely alone here. I take comfort in that though, the feeling of being totally secluded from the rest of the world is pleasant. Why did everything have to turn out this way? I thought she loved me. She told me she loved me!
Was it…a lie? Would she just throw away almost a year of our relationship and move on to someone else? She held such promise to me. She told me she would never let me down. She promised me the world.
And yet she gave me nothing, nothing but pain and suffering. Was this supposed to be my gift? Is this really what she promised me? Are you supposed to feel this way when you’re in a relationship with someone THIS long? Do our feelings for one another suddenly die out?
That can’t be all it is. I refuse to think that’s meant to happen! That’s not how relationships work! That’s not…that’s not how WE’RE supposed to work. You can’t just STOP loving someone, can you?
I turn to the full view mirror against the wall on my right and realize that I’m crying. The replica of me matches my expression perfectly. My eyes look dull and dead. The life that once dwindled inside me is gone. I stare at myself for a few seconds.
Taking in my true emotions. I refuse to acknowledge the pain I’m feeling. Everything is fine! Reina and I are in love! She’s loves me.
Reina loves ME! Not Ai. It’s me, me and only me. I’m all she wants! I’m all she’ll ever need. I’m…someone she’ll never care anything about. I wipe furiously at my tears, almost in an angry manner.
Why am I crying?! There’s nothing to cry over! We’re ok! We’re happy together. These aren’t tears of pain.
These are tears of joy. But the mirror tells me a different story. I’m so happy that my heart burns and feels that it’s about to break clean in two. I’m just so happy that it feels like I’m dying. I’m just so damn happy!
I dive back into the water again with my eyes closed to not think about this. I have to stop thinking. If I just stop thinking I won’t feel this way. If only I just stop thinking. Stop caring.
When I’m submerged once again inside the water I open my mouth and scream. I scream as loud as I can and as many times as I could even though my mouth floods with water and I swallow it unintentionally. Sometimes screaming into the water helps. Sometimes. I come back up and cough violently several times. When my breathing is under control and I go back under the water. I still felt no release.
I still feel stuck even when I screamed numerous times and that normally does the trick, nothing will work this time it seems. So I decide to stay under longer not caring if I run out of air and can’t breathe. I need to make this go away. I need to try and ignore this. As I lay there my eyes start to flicker. My mind is thinking on it’s own after I’ve told it not to. As I think visions and images come to me. They’re flashes and glimpse at first, but as I continue to think the flashes get more clear and vivid. Through all the lights I see a image of Reina moaning while Ai’s on top of her doing things that I should be doing. I open my eyes and shoot out of the water panting.
Water splashes everywhere. I cough the water that got into my mouth and try to push such thoughts from my head. I run my fingers through my hair slowly. I sit there, staring into space. I don’t know what to do. I’m running out of options. I can’t ignore this anymore. I can’t pretend or hide it. What do I do?! How can I put a stop to this? The sound of my cell phone brings me back from my minor panic attack. I don’t answer it straight away though. Instead, I stare at it on the bathroom door for a few seconds. Should I answer it? What if it’s Reina? Should I not pick it up? I choose to answer it and look at the display screen first. It’s Sayumi. Why would she be calling this late at night? I flip it open.
“Hello?”
My voice sounds hollow, but there’s no point in hiding how I really feel anymore. Everything I do is pointless.
“Eri? Are you ok? What’s wrong?!”
I contain myself from crying then and there at the sound of her voice. I suck in a large amount of air to gain some of my strength back. I have to have some sort of control.
“It’s nothing Sayumi. Don’t worry about it.”
“Is it Reina again? Do you want me to come over?”
“No, Sayumi please. Just…just leave me alone ok?” I beg my spirit broken. I’m in no mood to fight back. I want to be left alone.
“Eri, you have to stop doing this to yourself. You have to leave Reina. Can’t you see she’s hurting you?!” She insists
“I…just don’t call me anymore, Sayumi.”
I hang up before she can say anymore. And I shut off my cell so I won’t hear it ring when I don’t pick it. I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I can’t take it anymore. This needs to stop. If Reina can’t stop what she’s doing then let ME stop the pain I’m feeling. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to bear it. I can’t. It’s asking for too much. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried! I wanted this to work. I love her so much. She’s my world. She’s everything I could ever ask for, but all I am to her is her nothing. I’m her spare, her victim who was stupid enough to fall for her lies. I won’t be the victim anymore. I’m going to end this tonight. I throw my phone across the room. No more. I don’t want this anymore. I fall back into the tub and lie there. I close my eyes tight and let the water swirl around me. This is the only way I can make it stop. I can’t carry these feelings anymore. I can’t lie to myself. I can’t deny the truth that’s right here in my face all along. My chest begins to burn, my lungs scream for air, and my head throbs as if about to explode.
I close my eyes tighter as my lungs feel like an invisible fist is squeezing them together. I let out the air in my mouth and it makes the pressure go away for a while, but it builds up again. My whole body is begging for oxygen. I don’t give in though. Instead, I lay there. I stay there until the need for air goes away and I feel my body beginning to finally relax. My whole body feels light. My mouth opens slightly and water immediately goes into my throat and fills my lungs. I’m starting to feel dizzy. Now I can sleep forever, in eternal peace. My body can finally…rest. Just as everything begins to slip away I’m ripped clean out of the water. I’m too weak to take my first breath of air. I’m too weak to move. Someone shakes me and calls my name. I can’t figure out who it is. I’m so tired. Why can’t they let me rest? Let me be.
“Eri?! ERI!? Oh god, no, please don’t die on me!” They start smacking my face “ERI!”
I try to open my eyes, but they’re too heavy to move. My whole body feels heavy. They start to cry and I can feel drops of tears fall on my face as they stand over me. They push my head up into a tilt, pinch my nose, and press their lips against mine. Warm air goes straight into my lungs a few times and then they start pumping at my chest. It hurts as they pound on my chest. But I can’t do anything to fend them off. I’m totally defenseless. Air goes into my mouth again and they beat at my chest again a few more times. I start coughing up water a moment later. The person sighs as I spew out water and open my eyes.
“S-Sayumi?”
She covers her mouth as she cries and then suddenly just hugs me. I’m still dazed to move or take in what just happened. She moves me so my head is resting on her lap and strokes my hair. She takes a towel and wraps it firmly around me.
“Thank god you’re ok! Oh god, Eri, what were you doing? Why would you think such a thing!?”
She’s crying constantly that I can barely hear what she’s saying. I didn’t mean to scare her. I don’t want to put her through the pain that I’m in. She doesn’t deserve it. I look up at her in aw. She wipes away the tears from her eyes and continues to hold me. She looks at me in such agony.
“I-is this how you’re going to make everything better?! You just drown yourself and it’ll be ok! What about me Eri?! How would I feel if I heard you killed yourself! You’re my best friend Eri. I would…if you were gone I wouldn’t know what to do!”
I sit up and pull away from her. She looks at me trying to figure out what I’ll do next. I glare at her. I don’t know why, but I’m angry with her. I’m mad that she saved me. That she’s letting me live through this.
“You don’t understand.” I whisper
“I don’t understand?! Eri then MAKE me! You’re supposed to talk to me. I’m your friend. I only want to help you.” She demands
I mumble something under my breath.
“What?” She asks, not quite hearing it.
“I said you should have just let me die!” I turn around, and lock eyes with her shocked face.
Then she gets angry. She goes over to me standing above me. I’ve never seen her this angry before.
“Is that what you really want?! Would that make you happy?! Do you think that will make everything all better?! Then you got everything all wrong!”
I stand up and meet face to face with her, holding on to the towel wrapped around me.
“Why do you care?! I would be doing everyone a favor! I would be doing Reina…a favor.” I look down to my feet in defeat
“Is this who it’s about? Reina?! Eri she’s not worth it! Forget her! Find someone else. Can’t you see what she’s doing to you?! Eri she’s…killing you. She’s taking you away from me.”
She starts crying again. I just look down not knowing what else to say. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand how much I love Reina. How she’s the only one for me. I can’t live without her no matter how much she’s hurting me.
“I…she’s the only one I want. I love her.” I meekly say
Do I really love her? Do I love her the same now as I did the first time we dated? I can’t feel anything right now. All I want to do is end my miserable life.
“Stop lying to yourself Eri! Open your eyes!”
I turn at her, glaring.
“Yeah and why do YOU care if I open my eyes or not! If you’re so much of my best friend then you’ll leave me alone like I said.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I love you!”
My eyes open wide and my heart dropped to my feet. She looks away this time too shy to look at me. She…what? When?! She doesn’t. She never has.
“H-how,”
“I’ve always have, Eri. But that doesn’t matter anymore, ok?!”
Her eyes begin to tear. This isn’t supposed to happen! No one is supposed to love me, but Reina. She’s the one that I want. She’s my world. She’s…she can never return the love I want or deserve. I gulp. What do I say to Sayumi?
“Sayu,”
“Don’t Eri. It doesn’t matter anymore, ok?”
She won’t look at me. Why won’t she look at me? I step forward and put a hand on her face caressing her soft fair skin. Gently, I turn her head to look at me. She doesn’t fight it. I look deep into her dark teary eyes. I brush my thumb over her plush bottom lip a few times and I feel her take a sharp intake of breath. I don’t know what I’m doing. I stopped thinking a long time ago. I just let my instincts and emotions take over. I kiss her softly as soon as our lips touch.
She presses her lips back with mine and I pull her closer against my body to feel more of her. I haven’t had anyone kiss me this passionately in such a long time. I forgot how it felt to be kissed like this. I miss it. I lick her bottom lip asking for entrance, which she so willingly gives. I explore her warm mouth with my tongue as much as I can. I want to remember the taste and feel of her mouth. This might be our only time together. She moans and sends her tongue into my mouth. My hand slides from her waist to the front of her pants. In one quick motion I unbutton it and then pull down the zipper. I continue to kiss her as my hand goes in to her pants and to the elastic band of her underwear. She moans out loudly into my mouth when my fingers slip into her panties. She pushes me back a few inches and catches her breath.
“We should probably…go to your bed.” She whispers
Her eyes are thick with desire. I agree and lead her towards my room. When we reach the bedroom she goes really shy. I can understand. This is probably her first time. She’s also in love with me so she would want to do this right. This means more to her than just sex. I pull down her pants and start to tug at her shirt.
“Eri, maybe this isn’t a good idea. I mean you,” She rambles
I silence her with a kiss. When I feel her relax against me I pull away and start kissing along her neck. I lick along the base of her neck up to her jaw line slowly. She shivers and groans. I put my mouth up to her ear when I’m done taking off her shirt completely.
“I want this.” I say
She lets a gasp when I bite firmly at her earlobe. I get rid of her pants just as quickly. I unhook her bra from the back and pull the straps down. She takes it off and I pull her underwear off in a second. I move back her dark locks and place another kiss against her soft skin. She feels so soft around me. She has such perfect skin. I hold on to her scared she might go away. She can’t leave. I need her. I need her to make me feel good again.
“I want you to touch me.” I whisper into her ear
I wouldn’t normally be this demanding. I’m usually the submissive one. I don’t know why I’ve suddenly changed. Why I’m taking everything into my own hands. Sayumi looks at me unsure. I take her wrist and lift her arm up from her sides. I place a delicate kiss on her wrist before I place her hand on my breast. Her hand closes around my breast firmly and I close my eyes overwhelmed. A moan slips out of my mouth. She relaxes and moves her hand on her own accord. She first removes my towel and travels her hands down my body and settles to my waist. I can tell she’s nervous about this. I’ll have to try and calm her. I give her a few kisses and push her backwards on my bed. When she’s lying down I go on top of her, locking my legs around her waist. I stroke her cheek with my right hand studying her expression. She shouldn’t be afraid. I will never hurt her unlike someone I know who has hurt me. But I don’t want to think about Reina. All that matters right now is this. Sayumi is all that matters to me. I kiss her hungrily, trying to remember every part of her I touch and taste. I pull away looking into her swirling lustful eyes as my hand wonders down her body and pushes her legs apart. When I touch her thigh her muscles twitch for a second. I stop my hand and look at her. She’s so nervous. I smile softly at her.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be ok.” I promise her
***
For hours we were, touching, kissing, learning, and exploring each other’s bodies. I didn’t want it to stop. I didn’t want the feeling of being loved and wanted to go away. I loved that she craved me. I loved that she wanted only more and more of me and I had no problem giving myself to her every need. She couldn’t stop touching me. Every second she had to keep touching my skin with hers. She was driven with lust. She was hungry for me and I was just as hungry for her. We were drunk in each other’s love. Eventually, we stopped. Our bodies couldn’t take it anymore. We need to finally rest. She lies on top of me, listening to my steady heart. And I held her tightly, never wanting to let go. This was just too perfect. She was perfect, in every way. She moves so she could look me in the eyes and I look back at her in question. Her brows scrunch together as she thinks. What is she thinking? Is something wrong?
“I love you.” She says faintly
I feel strange when she said those three words. My stomach turns and I stare at her in shock. Did she mean what she said? Or was she just messing with my head? I couldn’t tell and I certainly didn’t know what to say back. She bites her bottom lip and looks away trying to hide the tears that are about to fall. She’s taking this the wrong way! I have to say something! But what CAN I say?! Do I love her? Or do I love Reina? I don’t understand. Reina’s my love. She’s supposed to be my ONLY love. We’re together and I should only have feelings towards her. But why is it that my stomach starts doing flips and somersaults when Sayumi told me she loved me? I…I have to say something to her! I’ve been quiet for too long. I turn her head towards me and wipe away the one tear from her eye. She sniffles and swallows her sobs. I have to tell her. She needs to know how I really feel for her. I need to tell her something.
“I love you too.” I repeat
She puts her head against my chest and starts crying. This time it’s not tears of sorrow it’s tears of happiness. She can finally be at peace, with me. I hold her close to let her know I’m here. I think it’s time that I forget Reina. That I move on once and for all. I’m done being hurt, tricked, lied to, and I’m done feeling like I’m someone who can be easily disposed. I want to make this work. Whatever Sayumi and I have now, I want it to turn into something more. I want to be only with her. She’s all I want now. I hold her until she stops crying. When she finally settles down and falls asleep, I do too. I can finally feel at peace. I can finally, be happy.
Topic: Letting Go (One-shot) Eri/Sayumi Eri/Reina mention of Reina/Ai (Read 5836 times)