CHAPTER 18
It’s the slamming of a door that woke her up. Rena fluttered her eyes open, wondering who could be making such unusual and unpleasant noise. After all, she lived in a quiet building. And it was definitely not her 70 year old neighbor who could be at the origin of it. The woman was the quietest person on earth. Sometimes, it was even hard to believe there was truly a human being living next door.
Rena felt sleepy, and she understood why when she noticed that her head was resting on her desk. She had taken an involuntarily nap. Straightening up, she rubbed a little her soaring neck, until her eyes widened in surprise when she noticed a red small packet and a matching envelope on her desk. Rena frowned in perplexity at the discovery. Who could have placed them here? Curiosity got the best of her, and she grasped the red envelope.
A smile moved to her lips when she recognized Jurina’s handwriting on the letter inside. She had no idea whatsoever what could have prompted the young girl to write her a letter. After all, they saw each other yesterday, and Jurina had not mentioned anything about it. Despite that fact, she was pleasantly surprised. And very curious about it. The older Matsui adjusted her glasses on her nose, and started to read.
“Rena,
Times passes by so fast, don’t you think? When people tell me it’s already been eight years since I entered SKE48, I look at them in surprise. It clearly doesn’t feel like it. I need to see a picture of myself at eleven year old to fully realize it. And it always embarrasses me when I see such a thing. I was so young back then. I almost don’t recognize myself. I’ve changed so much over the years. Physically and mentally. The environment around me has also changed a lot. So many members have left SKE48. It always feels strange when I look at what is left of the 1st generation. Somehow, it makes me sad that so many founding members are gone.
However, one person has been my constancy throughout all these years: you. Since I entered SKE48, you have always been by my side. I have to admit: a few times, I feared of losing you. It happened when you joined Team E, or when you accepted a kennin position in Nogizaka46. In the end, my deepest fear didn’t come true. Yes, we saw each other less. I didn’t like it. I still don’t like it when you have to leave for Tokyo and Nogizaka46’s related works. But you are still in the group; by my side. And that is all that matters to me.
A few months ago, you told me you wouldn’t have been able to make it so far without me. That my presence brought you well needed motivation when times were hard, especially during the first years. At first, I didn’t understand your words. How was it possible that the very young girl that I was back then could have accomplished such an extraordinary thing? You never said anything about it. You put up with all the moments of hardships so bravely, that I never realize I had played a role in your determination.
I remember people used to say we were too different. Some staff members even doubted our duo would work. Despite their beliefs, it worked. Because we were complementary. You calmed me down effectively when I was bursting with too much energy. I know I wasn’t always an easy kid to deal with for you. I often got over-enthusiastic over things, and I’m very stubborn.
However, there’s one thing I’m certain of. I wouldn’t have stayed in SKE48 if it wasn’t for you. The young girl that I was wouldn’t have been able to deal with the pressure without your reassuring presence.
Do you remember how we used to ask ourselves why they decided to pair us together? Apart from our names, we had not much in common. Now, I think I understand better. Somehow, the people who made that decision knew we would support each other. Apart, we would have given up a long time ago. Together, we were a force that nothing could stop.
I’m sure you must be wondering why I’m writing you all this. You don’t know what today is, do you? It’s January 30. A year ago, you did something I could never have foreseen. You reciprocated my feelings. Not a day passes by without me being thankful for that day. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have been able to stay in SKE48 any longer. Standing everyday by the side of the object of my affection would have been too hard. Unrequited love is such a painful thing.
But all this is now in the past. I’m happy. I’ve never been happier than this last year by your side. And it’s all thanks to you.
When you will read this letter, I’ll definitely be by your side watching your every reaction. I’m well aware that you’re not anymore the over-emotional girl that you were when you first entered the group. But I’m pretty sure I’ll see a tear or two rolling down your cheeks.
I hope you will like your present. I had a really hard time finding it!
Love you.
Jurina.”Rena chuckled softly at Jurina’s insight. She wiped away a few budding tears. Oh how much she hated crying. She had done it so much the first years she joined SKE48… But maybe she could let it go for once. After all, they were tears of joy.
Rena placed the letter back on the desk, her attention now on the present. Just as she was about to start unwrapping it, her fingers halted midway. Wait. Didn’t Jurina write in her letter that she would be present?
Rena turned around, only to meet the silence of her bedroom. She stood up in confusion, tilting her head in the direction of her living room. “Jurina?”
No answer. Her apartment was still as quiet as the moment before. Nevertheless, she decided to check the rest of the apartment to make sure. Who knew, maybe the young girl was playing a prank on her? It would be unusual, but it would explain her current absence in the bedroom.
Rena entered the living room, and her gaze wandered around the place. No sign of the SKE’s ace anywhere. A quick look at the entrance told her Jurina was definitely not present. Her jacket and shoes were gone.
Rena frowned a little, trying to understand the reason behind the girl’s absence. Maybe Jurina had decided to leave when she discovered that she was sleeping? In a way, it could make sense. But in her letter, the young girl seemed very decided to be present. Somehow, Rena believed Jurina’s stubbornness would have prevented her from leaving and missing such a moment. Moreover, Jurina had a few belongings here: books, games, and movies. She could have easily occupied herself in the meantime.
Finding no plausible explanation for Jurina’s absence, Rena decided to call her. She retraced her steps back to the bedroom, finding her Smartphone placed on the right corner of her desk. Her fingers were dialing Jurina’s phone number, when her attention suddenly got caught by another letter laying on the desk next to Jurina’s. A letter she was writing before unexpectedly falling asleep.
Apprehension immediately built up inside her as she remembered what it was. Rena placed the white device back on the desk, and took the letter to read it. She was feeling so sleepy while writing it, that she didn’t remember exactly its content. Moreover, she was having such a hard time finding the right words. What did she write?
Rena scanned the letter, really hoping she didn’t write what she thought. It was only a draft, and she had crossed so many words, out of dissatisfaction. Most of the sentences didn’t even make sense. Her deepest fear came true when she stopped on a certain word. It was written in black and white.
Graduation. Rena’s heart stopped, and the paper trembled between her fingers.
She tried desperately to convince herself that Jurina had not read this. That she had left her apartment for another reason altogether. For another, simple reason she wasn’t aware of. Jurina was going to come back very soon. And Rena was going to tell her how much her beautiful letter moved her. Yes, she was coming back.
A memory suddenly submerged her mind and put an end to any doubt she still had. The slamming door that had woke her up. It wasn’t just any ordinary apartment’s door. It felt too close to have been a neighbor. No, it was her apartment front door. Which meant… Jurina was here just a few minutes ago. And had left as soon as she stumbled upon that letter. That letter she should have never read.
The sheet slipped between her trembling fingers and landed on the desk. Without wasting another second, Rena turned on her heels and stormed out of her bedroom. Her heart was hammering inside her chest when she put her coat and shoes on in a haste. Jurina had discovered the truth. And in the worst possible way. No, this wasn’t happening. She had prepared everything in her head: the day and the way she would announce her graduation to Jurina. Why didn’t things go according to her plans?
Rena searched in alert a familiar face when she stepped on the sidewalk in front of her building. She looked left, then right. No sign of Jurina. No, she couldn’t be too late. Jurina had only left a couple of minutes ago. She had to explain herself to her.
Her feet moved forward in the direction of the taxi waiting line, in the hope that the young girl was not already gone. She sped up, knowing she had a few minutes’ walk to arrive at her destination. She completely ignored the startled looks she received on her way from a few bystanders. Yes, it was most definitely unusual to see the non-sporty Rena Matsui running down the streets.
Rena didn’t care how she must have looked to others. The only thing that mattered right now was to find Jurina. And prevent her from leaving. Relief filled her chest when she saw her waiting for her taxi a few meters away. Rena slowed down, and waited until she was a few feet away to call her name. “Jurina…”
The designated young girl who was typing a message on her phone paused at the sound of her slightly erratic voice. But she didn’t turn to look at her. Rena immediately noticed that Jurina was avoiding her gaze when she approached her. Yes, she was more than glad that she had arrived in time. But Jurina’s current attitude was worrying her more than anything.
“You… read the letter, didn’t you?” Rena asked tentatively. Somehow, a part of her still hoped she was only imagining the worse. The fact that Jurina didn’t bother to look at her or reply put an end to her last shred of hope. “I’m sorry you had to learn it this way,” Rena continued. Her words were still met by silence.
Jurina was still looking the other way when Rena tried to reach for her arm. If she refused to speak, then she would look into her eyes to discover how she felt. However, something completely unexpected happened. Just as she was about to touch her, Jurina pulled her arm away quickly.
Shock plastered Rena’s features at her reaction. Until hurt replaced it progressively. Rena was not naive: she knew Jurina would not take the news lightly. But this cold behavior? Her refusal to speak with her? She had not foreseen that kind of reaction at all. In fact, never in her life Jurina had acted this way with her before. Yes, they sometimes fought in the past. Their last unpleasant fight during the shooting of
Majisuka Gakuen 4 was still imprinted in her mind. Jurina had shouted at her, something she very rarely did.
But this heavy silence? It was completely unsettling. And the fact that she was unable to look into her eyes wasn’t in the least helping.
“We have to talk about this,” Rena pleaded. She was lost. Jurina was being completely uncooperative. For the first time, she didn’t know how to act around her. What to say, or what to do.
From her peripheral vision, Rena noticed a taxi approaching. Jurina had noticed it as well, and was now taking a step forward. Rena pondered over what to do next. She couldn’t let Jurina go. Not like that. Not after what she just accidentally discovered. In a last desperate attempt, she caught her arm in a haste. This time, Jurina didn’t oppose any resistance to the gesture. But she didn’t react much for all that.
“Please let me explain myself,” Rena stammered.
Nothing was going according to her plans. She was supposed to sound strong and convincing when she would have this particular conversation with Jurina. She was doing the complete opposite. Her voice quivered in fear of not being listened. Of having made a terrible mistake by not telling Jurina the truth sooner.
Rena swallowed nervously when Jurina finally turned to look at her. Her eyes were so cold. Her face void of her typical joyful smile. Never Jurina had looked at her before in such a way. Not even during their fights. This reaction was something completely new to her. And it was terribly unsettling.
“What is there to talk about?” Jurina’s voice pierced through the chilly air of January. Her tone was icy. “You already made your decision.”
Rena wanted to reply, but no words managed to come out. Instead, she let go of Jurina’s arm, and watched her getting in the taxi powerlessly.
Tears were forming in her eyes when Rena stepped in the elevator of her building. She kept thinking back to her short encounter with Jurina. The few words that had been exchanged. The cold look Jurina had given her. It hurt so much. How did they come to that?
A few days ago, Jurina was still laughing and harboring the brightest smile ever. Why was she having the feeling she wasn’t about to see it anytime soon? Many emotions were currently spreading through her chest, but the dominating one was frustration. The fact that she had not been able to stop her was frustrating her to no end. Her words had no effect whatsoever on Jurina. She completely disregarded her pleas.
When Rena entered her apartment and removed her coat and shoes, she felt the tears rolling down her cheeks. Except this time, it was out of deep sadness. She let them fall in silence. Her unsteady steps led her to her bedroom, and she let herself fall into her chair in front of her desk. Her glistening eyes fell on the letter addressed to her producer. The object that had provoked the anger of the young girl she loved so much.
Rena was feeling completely despondent. On one hand, she wanted to believe she had tried everything in her power to stop Jurina. On the other, she kept wondering what more she could have said to convince her to come back with her to the apartment.
Rena took her phone that was resting on the corner of the desk, and noticed that Jurina’s phone number was still displayed on the screen. That’s right. She had meant to call her earlier on. In a last attempt, she pressed the “call” button and placed the device against her ear. It rang again and again. Jurina never answered. Instead, Rena heard the voicemail a few seconds later.
A helpless, feeble murmur left Rena’s lips as she placed the phone back on her desk. “What have I done?”
It had already been six hours since Rena last spoke to Jurina. In the end, the young girl never called her back. When the day started, Rena had planned on finishing her graduation letter during the afternoon. But now, she was completely incapable of touching it. She was conscious she had many things to do now that her mind was made up about her graduation. A future to plan. However, Jurina was currently monopolizing all her thoughts.
More than anything, she wanted to see her and explain herself. But after their latest very tense conversation, she feared Jurina wouldn’t want to speak with her at all. Even less broach that touchy subject with her.
It was 8 PM when Rena heard a knock on her door. She looked up slowly from the kitchen table, not in the mood for any talking. She had currently her plate full of pasta, but she had barely touched the food. Rena seriously considered not answering. She wasn’t expecting anyone tonight. It was probably just a neighbor who came to ask her for a favor.
When she heard a second knock soon after, she got up from her chair much reluctantly. She really didn’t want to have any sort of conversation right now, but her conscience was preventing her from ignoring the visitor any further. She was definitely not in a good emotional state right now, and figured would need to try hard to greet her unexpected visitor with a polite smile on her face.
Rena opened the door, and was left speechless when she saw Jurina standing on the other side. A few seconds passed by without any word being exchanged. This time, Jurina was looking straight into her eyes. And her expression had considerably softened. Gone was her previous coldness. Rena was glad not to see such a deep, negative emotion into her eyes. But she hated as much the new emotion that now filled her eyes. Despair.
“Why?”
Words stayed stuck in Rena’s mouth at the sound of Jurina’s trembling voice. Right now, there was no word strong enough to describe how terrible she was feeling inside. This situation. Jurina’s attitude. Her feelings. She was at the origin of everything.
Rena knew it was time to explain Jurina her decision. She never expected the young girl to come around so fast, but she was thankful she did. Jurina deserved to know what had motivated her decision. Now, she was sure of it: she had made a mistake by not telling her sooner. The harm was already done. There was nothing she could do about that. Somehow, she guessed this terrible day was far from over.
Rena didn’t know how long she had been talking. Jurina had listened to her during her whole monologue, without interrupting her once. To be honest, Jurina’s quiet behavior startled her. She really expected her to stop her at some point, and try to change her mind about her decision. She didn’t. Not once.
Rena placed tentatively a hand on Jurina’s thigh, waiting for a reaction. The young girl wasn’t looking at her anymore, but staring right in front of her without saying anything. This silence didn’t suit her well. Rena couldn’t tell what was on her mind. And she definitely hated feeling so powerless.
Without warning, Jurina got up from the sofa. Rena watched her in surprise, until seeing her moving towards the entrance and putting her shoes on. That’s when it hit her. Jurina was leaving. Again.
“What are you doing?” Rena stood up at once from the sofa, unsettled by her actions. Was she really going to leave without expressing her feelings? Not, it was out of the question. She needed to let it out. To say what was on her mind. She couldn’t keep things to herself.
Jurina had already her hand on the handle of the front door when Rena embraced her from behind. She felt the young girl struggling against the gesture, but she held tight nevertheless. She certainly wasn’t about to let her go again. Jurina had come back because she needed answers. She had provided them, and now she wanted to hear Jurina’s thoughts.
“Let me go,” Jurina protested, trying to break free. Despite that, hope spread through Rena’s chest when she felt her struggle lacking its previous determination. She was starting to give in. But she needed to put an end to any last shred of resistance she had.
“I won’t,” Rena replied on a soft, but decided tone. “You need to talk to me.”
The struggle stopped and Rena saw Jurina’s fingers leaving the handle. Albeit that fact, her request was not met. No words left Jurina’s lips for a while, and she didn’t move either. Rena kept her arms around her waist. Somehow, she couldn’t help but fear the young girl would change her mind and leave abruptly. She didn’t want to take any chance.
All of a sudden, she heard it. At first, it was soft and subtle. Then, the sobbing became a bit louder. Rena shut her eyes, feeling the body against her trembling slightly. Jurina was finally letting it out. It was so painful to hear Jurina’s helpless crying. Rena tightened her hold around her waist.
Rena checked the time on the alarm clock: 1.30 AM. The young girl in her arms and laying in bed with her was finally asleep. But it was only the result of her physical and emotional exhaustion. Rena had listened Jurina crying for hours. She had done everything in her power to calm her down, but her comforting gestures and soothing words had little to no effect on her.
They didn’t eat at all. After Rena had managed to convince her to stay, they went straight to bed. Rena wasn’t hungry anyway. She didn’t even believe she could eat anything in her current emotional state. The knot in her stomach had not left her once since Jurina came back to her apartment.
Jurina’s never-ending crying had prevented the young girl from uttering a single word during the whole time. In the end, she did express her feelings. And it had been terribly painful for Rena to hear the sorrow she was causing her.
Rena guessed her earlier monologue wasn’t the end of this. Soon or later, when Jurina would finally be feeling a bit better, she would express her feelings with words. She’ll just have to patiently wait for that time to come.
Rena felt some movements in her arms, and she saw Jurina gazing at her. “I’m really sorry, Jurina,” Rena murmured. Albeit the fact she couldn’t see her because of the dark, it wasn’t hard to imagine the pain still present in her eyes. The sadness she had placed in her usually cheerful brown orbs. She knew she was going to see it again for the following weeks.
“Why are you apologizing?” Jurina replied in a small, weak voice. “You want this. No one is forcing you to graduate.”
No, Rena surely didn’t miss the slight bitterness in her tone. Nevertheless, she didn’t blame her for still being mad at her. Somehow, she half expected that kind of reaction. Plus, Jurina hard learned the truth in a terrible way. She had every right to be angry at her.
“Yes, I want to leave SKE48,” Rena answered, choosing her words carefully. “But I never wanted to hurt you. I love you, Jurina.”
Rena waited for a reply or any kind of reaction. She got none. In the end, Jurina didn’t add a single word. Nor did she reply to her declaration of love.
The fact that Jurina had come back and listened to her should give her hope that everything was going to be fine in the end. However, apprehension refused to leave her. She was feeling terribly insecure about their future. After all, she had now broken Jurina’s heart twice. Would she ever be able to forgive her for that?
TO BE CONTINUED
Topic: Heartbeat (20/20) + Partners (23/23) + Destiny (41/41 END) [WMatsui] - REPLIES (Read 318518 times)