JPHiP Forum
The Hello! Project Fanfics => Writers' Cafe => Topic started by: Estrea on April 29, 2009, 11:04:23 PM
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Because I felt like ranting about writing, and ranting =/= discussion, so I figured we might as well have an official rant thread. Heh. XD
Ok, right now, I'm really just irritated with my current stories. Just, super irritated for some reason. I like them, but at the same time I'm irritated. They're just like my children, so even though I do love them, I occasionally feel like choking the life out of them. Yeah. I know I'm weird.
I'm strongly attached to both Gegenschein and Nocturne right now, and I know exactly how they will end and how to lead up to it (well, Nocturne more than Gegenschein XD because Nocturne is getting towards that final stretch XD), but at the same time I can't help but feel strongly dissatisfied with how both stories have turned out. o_O I don't know why, but something about about both of them makes me unhappy. Like...they're just not good enough. It doesn't make me happy. Like something's missing. Something lacking, so to speak.
Just rereading through them, something keeps telling me "ah, this is not good enough". It's just not memorable. It doesn't feel like something that would last. Something that would make an impact. It doesn't feel like it'll do anything to me or to anyone else as a person. And that irks me for some reason. Yeah, I know I have really strange standards.
A story that has impact...to me, here in JPHiP, that's OTN1's Lovex2 universe. That's the one that leaves the greatest impression on me. It's the kind of story that bears rereading. Something that makes you think. I want to write something like that. But every time I end up writing something, it becomes too...I dunno...drowned under its own hubris? My writing isn't humble enough. I'm not humble enough. That's what I think. I lack connection. My stories feel false and unreal. I hate it. Hate them and hate myself for not doing better.
I always feel like a kid in a sandbox, playing at building story castles. And sometimes I could grow to hate that part of myself, because I feel like I don't care enough about what I'm doing to the characters, to the people inside. Like everything's sort of like an experiment, kind of like "what will happen if I do this?" in a mad scientist sort of way. I don't feel enough. I can't express feelings well enough. It's like a glass wall that I pound and pound at but can never get through. Like, it's right there, but I can't do a damn thing about it. Like I can't connect at all. Like I failed somehow.
I guess right now I'm just angry. Angry with myself for not writing better. For not being better. I almost want to quit writing and never come back, because I suck so bad. Like...this is as far as I can go, and I can't make it any better. Like I've reached my limits. Me, who prides myself on being able to do anything as long as I really want to. Realizing that this is as far as I can go, in something so important to me, makes me feel like everything I've done so far is pretty much worthless. Like I can only come so far after trying so hard. I guess this is how people feel when they find that they just can't do it at all, no matter how hard they try. So this is what reality feels like.
I hate this. Lol. Hope my incoherent rant isn't too off-putting. Feel free to ignore. I just wanted to put this somewhere. I'm just so...argh. hate this. Hate myself for being like this. It just doesn't get better or worse huh. It just is.
I can't do better. I want to, but I can't seem to write anything that I could approve of myself. Something that I could look at and feel really proud of. Something that would make me feel that it's all worth it. Ugh.
*digs a little hole and hides inside*
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hey easy now Estrea. I personally think you're writing is amazing and will for sure leave an impact on many readers. I can understand what you mean about something missing or lacking, but I really think there is nothing to add. Everything in your stories both Nocturne and Gegenschein is coming out smoothly. It helps a lot to not be so hard on yourself. I used to be hard on myself a lot in everything I did wither it be writing, drawing, or school work I felt that I could have done better. And that can be good but doing it too much and being just too tough on yourself can lead to a lot of stress. I would love to have your writing skills I think they're very good. And that you shouldn't change it. It's fine just how it is. I think all the stories you write are great. Even though I don't comment. I'm a bit of a lurker sorry. :sweatdrop: but i do read just about everything you write.
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I know I haven't even introduced myself to this section of the forum, but honestly? The one post (http://www.intlwota.com/2008/04/blogs-wayside-wanderings-gets-deep-into-takittys-head/) of Estrea's on her LJ that made it on to Intlwota led to me discovering JPHIP, through the fanfic section.
I've read and reread a lot of the stuff here and on RenaiRev, because the fics on H!O are just unsatisfying for me. Which isn't to say they're not well written. But I think it might touch on what you're feeling. The fics on H!O are largely "Let's fulfill X pairing".
Here in contrast, which in part I think is because of the examples of the "Titans", the writers tend to write deeper, either letting romance play second string to plot and character development, or underlining the romances with deeper nonromantic issues. RenaiRev's drabbles from the early stages personify the latter type best, I think, as well as Goosefish's "Sun" here.
Hell, Lovex2 is like the epitome of the second category bordered with a smattering of the first. The best chapters, by literary standards, were the sections where he delved into who the characters were, those huge introspectives that didn't necessarily advance the plot. One of the parts that had the greatest impact on me was in the "10 chapters of fluff", where there was this HUGE digression on Rika. He didn't even go anywhere with that line of thinking, it was just kind of there. :lol: Character development wasn't just the way the people changed over the course of the story, since they stayed largely static after Story 3, but more of an exploration of their identities, letting us in on the way their minds worked. So, development in terms of letting us see them more clearly.
It might be presumptuous of me, but I think you're looking for the same kind of revealing in your stories. Would I be correct in assuming then that you feel more satisfied with your one-shots? That's what short stories are for.
In AA, because the pacing wasn't so fast, the changes in the characters would occur gradually enough that they could be explored in the meantime. AA Sidestories did that, and I loved the section on Miki's (lack of a) heart in Ch. 26. That, I think, is the kind of impact you're looking for?
If on more than on the character level, AA also had some kind of a political commentary as well, during the Berryz sections. The Maiha chapter and the parts dealing with Captain vs Government, were like Battle Royale actually XD, dealing with issues like the effect of violence on minors, how power structures reinforce their power by various means, from propaganda to blackmail, the different forms of complicity, etc. How's about that for impact?
However, Gegenschein and Nocturne are plot driven rather than character driven, so while you can and have written those introspectives in, ultimately things will be about how the characters change because of the story, not who they are. But you yourself said that Nocturne isn't supposed to be ultimately substantial anyway. BTW, you promised no Emofag Takahashi, and what's this? AHA EMOheterosexualRY IN FILE 22 :lol:
Just to clarify things, though, I still like everything you write. Can't write this much about things that don't fascinate me.
And, um, my friends will be leaving for dinner about now, so I'll have to cut off my word vomit. Did I come somewhere near the point though?
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I agree with a lot of the things Rayle stated. If I recall correctly it was Estrea's AA side stories that led me over to JPH!P because I had to hunt down the original thread. And girrr, if your stories weren't so awesome I'd still be a lurker around here.
Seriously, you're just like Aichan in that sense. We've had this discussion before. You know how you wanna just grab her by the shoulders, shake her, and tell her how awesome she is? Yeah, don't make me do the same to you lol. Be more proud of your stories. If you're not satisfied, hell, write more! Writing also takes practice and is built over your foundation and skill. You've got plenty of talent for writing, and you're doing a mighty fine job. Where else am I gonna go to find work like this? You've heard me rant about my bleeding eyes when accidentally got them burned out of their sockets after stumbling upon some other...stuff, and get all frustrated. XD
However, Gegenschein and Nocturne are plot driven rather than character driven, so while you can and have written those introspectives in, ultimately things will be about how the characters change because of the story, not who they are.
And that's what I adore most about the stories. The PLOT. THE MOTHERFUCKIN' SUSPENSE. Keeps us HOOKED. LIKE FEESH. Waiting for BIGGER FEESH (epic chapters) to come bite us in the ass later.
But yeah, you should continue. Because I like to sabotage pimp your threads. It's fun. Don't take away dinny's fun, pls. She cannot be entertaining if you do. :|
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Thanks for your kind comments people. :) I was in a really bad mood when I ranted, but after a few hours of sleep I sort of feel better now. :)
@writerjunkie: Yeah, I know I'm too hard on myself sometimes...I just want to do better, you know? A bit of a perfectionist streak somewhere in there. I can be pretty extreme sometimes...either I'm the best or I won't even bother to try. Haha. Bit of an ego too I suppose. Thanks for lurking too, I guess. XD
@Rayle: Words cannot express my gratitude for your extremely insightful post. You've pretty much just explained the things that I didn't mention in my own rant. Yes, I do like my short stories a lot better. Even though nothing really happens in my one shots sometimes, it feels like "ah, I've done something worth looking at" when I finish a character introspection piece. And thank you for making me feel better about AA...I always thought that I sold out too much for fanservice in that story...but I guess when you look at it that way, there are a lot of issues to ponder over in that story. I guess since I wrote it myself, I tend to take certain things for granted. So there are things that I can't see from where I am, and I'm really grateful to have people remind me sometimes. Also, yes, you're right that Gegenschein and Nocturne are heavily plot driven, so the characters respond to the changes there instead of it coming from within...that's just how the story goes, and sometimes I rather write something more introspective, which is why I have my sandbox. Lol. AND THE EMOheterosexualRY IN FILE 22 WAS A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS! ...either by me or by Ai, that's up for intepretation. XD I'm glad you like what I write...and yes, yes you came very close to what I was thinking about. Thank you for the word vomit. It helps that someone gave it some thought too. :) Thank you so very much.
@dinny: SO that's how you came over. I was wondering about that. XD I guess I should be proud for delurking you. XD Yeah I guess I shouldn't give up, I should work harder and do even better. That's what Aichan would have done. And since she's my favorite idol, I should do as she would have done! :3 Yeah I like plotting...but I also like looking at the characters as people. Hmm, I need to find a balance to make myself happy. Lol. Yeah, continue pimping my threads, because god knows I'm having just as much fun as you are when you do it. XD Don't worry, dinny is plenty entertaining even without the pimping....but funnier with it. :lol:
Hmm, somehow this kind of turned into a "Let's Counsel Estrea!" thread. lmao. I guess I just have a lot of personal issues to work through. Haha. I'm glad that I can be here on JPH!P where the community is just so...awesome. :D As dai himself would have said, we a big family YO. XD Thanks to you guys! You're the best. :)
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However, Gegenschein and Nocturne are plot driven rather than character driven, so while you can and have written those introspectives in, ultimately things will be about how the characters change because of the story, not who they are.
And that's what I adore most about the stories. The PLOT. THE MOTHERFUCKIN' SUSPENSE. Keeps us HOOKED. LIKE FEESH. Waiting for BIGGER FEESH (epic chapters) to come bite us in the ass later.
And that's exactly why I haven't tried reading your long stories. Seriously, I'd rather wait for you to finish them. That way, I don't have to wait for an update. :lol:
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Ok another rant from me because I need it. XD
Argh, minor block for Nocturne. I know how I'm gonna end it but getting there is a problem. I need to give it a rest a bit, because the Reina arc has some iffy details I need to iron out before I feel comfortable enough to write. Haha. Rawr. I hope everyone doesn't mind waiting...
And for Gegenschein. I actually deleted parts of chapter 14 and rewrote it from scratch because the first version was mega-crap. So yeah. It's still a work in progress. I'm having fun but it's taking a while. A lot of loose ends to gather together so that everything will turn up when it's supposed to. I'm anal like that. Haha.
@Amarghetta: So that's why you haven't been commenting. You haven't been reading! Lol. It might be a long wait if you wanna wait for them to be finished. Haha. Nocturne will end earlier, but Gegenschein...it's gonna be a long series. Seriously. Lots of stuff coming up. XD
Well, I'll need a short break before going back to writing. Ta~
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*pokes head into thread* Uh, hello? I know it says rant, but so far, only Estrea-sama has ranted and I feel a little like an intruder.
Oh well, that's not really going to stop me.
I just felt like I had to get this off my chest before I could be calm again. I've been writing again, like non stop, on a bunch of different stories and I find myself falling into the mentality that I had way back when, before I went all emo and stopped getting on here. I always try to do more than I'm capable of at once. Whether in real life or in my stories, I plan and plan and then find myself over whelmed.
I swore that I would start small and work my way up, but I finally found a plot that I really don't think is absolute crap (only a little crap) and I truly fear that I won't be able to finish it. One of my worst flaws is my inability to see forward and plan ahead for any length of time longer than tomorrow. I think that it has to do with my being too easily distracted, even as I write this, I have to keep stopping to just stop.
Everything just seems like it could work out in my head and when I try to put it into practice or down own paper, I just can't sit still long enough to get my ideas out at once. The longer I wait, the more fuzzy the idea get, even if I take notes on it, when I look back later it has become illegible. It's a constant pattern in my life, the reason why I dropped out of school my senior year and the reason I never went to college.
I hate my brain and sometimes, I really despise myself for my failings. How can I write about the things I do when I can never finish them. My greatest fear is disappointing the people that actually read my ramblings and the last thing I want to do is make myself feel bad and then lose my inspiration to write and end up not finishing yet another story. Vicious circle, vicious cycle.
Also I hate how I feel that I make no sense sometimes. It's like, I write how I talk and I never make sense when I speak so I feel that I'm not getting my point across. I'm too sarcastic, too cynical and at the same time, too naive and trusting.
See, not making sense now. How is this supposed to be a rant about fanfics? Writers block is almost never my problem, except for middle parts and connectors and such. ADHD is my nemesis in life!
:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: I'm stupid. Though I feel oddly better and yet like I deserve to be flogged...
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^ :(
You know, if you have trouble with planning and stuff, it might be good to find someone to talk the idea out with instead of just scribbling on your own. Having a different person to bounce ideas off really helps, since they can help you focus and think about things you might not have considered. It's also nice to have encouragement, so yup. My two cents. :) Hope it helps.
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Honestly, the only people I can talk to about this stuff is you guys, the other fanfic writers on here. My friends just don't understand writing for fun or they don't get why I write about these girls.
Y'all are my peers, though all of different experience levels and first languages, and I learn from all of you.
So thank you, Estrea and everyone else who has given me kind words and encouragement. It always means a lot to me.
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Okay, enough being sad, I'm not a whiny teen anymore. Now sleep! Work! And writing later tomorrow!
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Haha yes, sleep is good. If you ever feel the need to talk to someone about writing, look us up on IM! XD I know that I bounce my ideas off Sai, Fenfen and rokun a lot. :) Join the club! :lol:
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Thank you!
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*tip-toes into thread*
Just wanna get it off my chest...I have so many incomplete stories and so many others to read and NO FUCKING TIME!!!! :angry:
*sighs* Well, I feel a little better now. :D
*sneaks back out unnoticed*
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^*grabs by scruff of neck*
Oi, I noticed! *shakes you*
XD
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*dangles quite high above the ground and flails limbs*
XD
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:P
*twirls you around and bear hugs* :D
You be one of our babies here. XD Feeling bad is normal, just don't dwell on it.
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*peeks in*
Hehe, I'm just gonna show up for a second. I'm not really that much of a poster other than fics and occasional commenting on other fics. :sweatdrop: Damn me for being so shy.
But I figured I give in my two cents too to rndmnwierd.
I can understand what you're going through. I have the same problem. I tend to think of more ideas than I can write and right now I have so many fics I doubt I'll be able to finish them all or even start to write them. I just can't focus on one thing for long. It goes the same way with my drawing or with any writing and reading that I have to do for my English class. I also feel that all my my stories is a piece of crap and the only fic I consider decent is This Thing Called Love, but even then it can be fixed to be better.
I always aim for things that are more goals that are higher than where my skills are either for writing or draw, because those are the two things I enjoy the most. Those are the two hobbies I'm so passionate about. I always want to get better. I always want to make the best fic and my readers mean so much to me. Yes that's good, but it can start to be a bad thing. I've noticed since now I'm in a rut and I can't even fix it. I'm stuck and becoming so highly stressed at my lack of updates.
But it helps to just take a break or try to gather your thoughts with writing notes or yes like Estrea said, talking to others about your newest idea. I've done it a few times and a fic that I was struggling on to be funny turned out to be extremely funny because I shared my ideas with a few friends. It doesn't work for me sometimes and I still become too hard on myself. I still am. I haven't written anything for weeks.
I know it's tough for you though, but if you can try to relax first and go over it slowly with others and try not to panic it will help. Don't be harsh on yourself like me or you'll end up where I am now. I can relate to ADHD in a way also, because I have ADD and it can be both a good thing and a bad thing, but if you can balance it out and keep it in check you should do fine. It isn't easy though.
Ah, well, I think I've said what I could. *slips back out*
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*sticks head in and looks left then right before stepping fully in*
Just gotta post my thoughts to rndmnwierd,
Girl, ya got support here and believe me when I say that because no one that I converse with face-to-face understands the joy I have in reading and writing fics nor do I see that they want to understand. I only started writing myself because of the great writers, in which I have had the pleasure of reading their works, and finally I got advice as to pace, length, proper dialogue structures etc (thanks lil hamz).
So if ya ever need to bounce ideas and if I am of use, feel free!!!! :thumbsup
Don't let your past actions affect your future because the past is out of your hands now but you definitely have the hand in creating your future. Don't worry too much about not finishing something in the past, get help in trying to finish in the future right? GanbaReina!!!!!
PS You make more sense than I do hun and that's good enough for me :lol:
*salutes and marches out hup-two-three-four*
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Aww, thanks a lot guys. Your comments really make me feel better about stuff. I was just telling my friend tonight how proud I was of myself for maturing so much in the past two years, it's almost as if my deeds don't haunt me anymore. Which is awesome because I hate looking into the past.
I made it a goal for myself to try and write a little bit every day. A few sentences to a paragraph or two before work in the morning, after morning shift and when I get home at night. It's slow going, but I'm doing alright now.
Whenever I get sick of writing or just need to stop, I surf the web for a while and then get back to whatever I was doing before. I've also started trying to talk to my friends in terms that apply to them. And when I start to panic about my self imposed deadlines, yet another goal, I force myself to take a break. I believe in you guys and I know my readers and fellow authors will still be here to support me.
Wow, I feel as if I should have started this reply with, "Hi, my name is rndmnwierd and I'm an alcohol- erm, I mean, a writer."
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^ That's good to hear rndmnwierd. You're getting some writing done and going somewhere at a steady pace. I've never thought of that. I just stop writing for weeks or months and hope something comes up, but I am starting to make some notes now. Yes, you have plenty of supporting from many people as I can see so don't worry. Besides if you panic well that's what friends are for to be there and listen to you rant and run around in circles. lol But don't rush yourself. Do you're best. ^_^
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Am I late for this discussion? *feels bad*
I can understand rndmn's rant. ADHD is, after all, a cancer for all writers (a little exaggerating, but yeah :D) and it is frustrating when your mind keeps telling you to get on with it but your body is too lazy to listen to it. Not to mention having an attention span of three seconds doesn't help too when you are easily distracted by something as trivial as an ant walking in front of you :lol:
There will a point of time you will reach your stumbling block in connecting your ideas and having someone to talk to you will definitely help a lot. For me, even though my family and close friends know about my fangirling on MM (due to the fact I blast their songs at home and in the office XD), I can't discuss my stories with them without having them thinking that I'm crazy to write a fanfics on girls. So yeah, it can be a little lonely sometimes
Sometimes, it is choosing the right words that can cause frustration. Like, how do I portray the feelings/ideas to the readers. When you just can't get the ideas across, you tend to get very frustrated and that's when ADHD kicks in, and you just gave up.
The fact that you were able to write quite a few stories and completed a few of them are amazing. Even if there comes a point where you need a break, we will understand and still love you for it. If you need to get something off your mind, I'm sure all of us (including me) will be more than happy to listen to you :D
Wow! That's a long one. Brain fuel dangerously low...
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Good to hear that you're getting back in the groove rndmn! :D I always stop to play Solitaire when I get stuck in my writing. ^^; I'm a little strange like that. Don't worry too much about deadlines, this is why we're in fanfiction, cos there are no publishing deadlines to meet. :P
Speaking of writing, I should get back to my own stories. So many....@_@
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Self imposed deadlines give me the pretense of a goal. So if I'm like, "Okay, I wanna finish this chapter in a week.... Oh look! I haven't seen this concert yet! Must write, write write. Uhp, that's finished downloading! Oh noes, I'ma miss my deadline....I'll extend another week."
Kinda.
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*pokes head in and looks around* ok i wanna put my 2 cents in too ^^
well 1st i wanna tell rwndy that i understand how she feels, i write fics on H!O and i'm always in the delema of focusing/lazy-ness. with school constantly slaping me i barely get anything done cus after all of the school drama and school work i just get creativly braindead>.< but now i just try to take if one day at a time and write a bit a day which leads me to my rant now^^; i hope noone minds it^^;
ok.. so as i said earlier i write on H!O and i have been debating if i should post my stuff up on here as well. i asked other people what they think but i still get the unsure-ness nomatter howmany times i say that today will be the day that i'll post up my fics and oneshots,but i just get the chiken-ness and not do it.
i mean i know that my work isnt the best,my spelling fails(eventhough english is my best subject) and my descripton of thisng never come out the way i want them to but i still post stuff up cus someone likes my crapy writings..
i'm always trying to write longer chapters and be more descriptive but the brain and the pen and paper/computer never comes out right..
I'm always asking myself why i even bother continuing cus there's somany stories that are in my head that i want to come out but i always end up forgeting them...
gosh i'm probably making nosense out of my frustrated-ness/unsureness so i guess i'll stop now^^; sorry if i annoyed anyone>.<
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^ It just takes time to get things or to get them how you want them. Just keep writing you'll get there. I know writing long chapters are hard and so is writing description. It's tough for me, I never get my point across on what I want the readers to see that's in my head, but it takes time. I've noticed I've gotten better with writing and description and that's because I continued to write no matter what. So take your time and just keep on writing it doesn't matter. You learn from your mistakes and maybe when you're better you can go back to your old writings and fix them. I've been thinking about doing that with Chosen and The Calm Before The Storm. Don't give up just keep practicing or take a break. It helps to read books also. I used to do that, but I got tired of reading the same book over and over. I'm not sure if this helps, but it has with me.
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^Reading real books definitely helps. If nothing else, you learn proper grammar and syntax.
Practice also helps. Then again, doing the same thing over and over again might sometimes be counter-productive. It definitely helps to read good writing, hence where the real books come in. Though not everything out there that is published is necessarily "good writing". But then it really depends on how you define good writing I suppose. I'm more stringent about that qualification so a lot of books don't pass my judgment, but that's my own problem lol. XD
Making the connection between what you picture in your mind and what comes out through your writing is often one of the more difficult parts in writing. That's where "practice" comes in. In the early stages you might want to ask for help from a third party to look over your work, and ask them what they see directly, so you know if you managed to get your point across. Once you reach the point of knowing instinctively whether or not what you've just written is what you actually want to be said, half the battle is won. XD Yes, only half. But I won't get further into that today. :lol:
As for how to improve descriptive writing, let's just put it this way: practice isn't just by writing alone. Thinking about descriptions in your head while you're out doing other stuff also works. Look at the landscape outside a window, how would you describe it? Try different ways and use different words. See a person passing by? Think of how you would describe them. Little things like that all play a part in honing the mind to think of description in words, rather than them remaining merely in visual memory. That's my advice on descriptive writing. ;)
Ok, it's either really late or really early for me now, so I shall go sleep. XD
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thanks you guys^^ u actualy modivated me to actualy make the thread XD i know that i still have alot to learn but i'll just have to do it little by little^^; i hope that i can write a epicly as you all do oneday^^
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Wow, I'm late, but I couldn't just not say something and since everything has already been said, I guess I can only reiterate that you have support here. We love you and definitely want to read your stuff. :D
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Ok time for my own rant. :D
I'm really annoyed by my writing process. Half the time I just sit there and stare blankly. Then I type some, delete some, type some more, delete some more....
A lot of the time it's like two steps forward, one step back. Sentences don't flow right, paragraph lacking balance, a poorly turned phrase. Not to mention the flow of action needs to be exactly right or I'll be so pissed off that I'll delete the whole paragraph (or more).
What needs to happen vs what happens on the spot. Too many spontaneous moments. Spontaneity has its place, but too much drives the plot out of control. >_> It slows me down like a trainwreck...
And then there are times when I look at the finished product, and I'm like 'GOD I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT'. Which is then followed by the standard 'WHY WHY WHY DOES IT SUCK SO MUCH ARGH'. Then more self-hate, which leads to brooding. And less writing. Hmm.
I need to be less of a perfectionist...but if I'm not, I'll be more disappointed with myself. D: I need to find a balance...D:
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*Pats Estrea* There there. You may think it sucks, but isn't that what most great writers think about their works? And you are definitely a great writer. I think maybe your perfectionism, even if it bothers you, is what helps to make you constantly work to improve. Hmm, is this comforting at all? It's kinda late for me and I've been a little off lately.
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same here! ur writing is truely epicX3 it is good to have a bit of perfectioism but too mch of it isnt good^^ i'm kinda the same way^^;
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Awww, you da man, Es.
Hrrrmmm. You're lucky you can evaluate your work that quickly. It takes me at least a few months to look back at what I've written and go "GOD I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS". Hehe.
You are "too much" of a perfectionist, but we'd have you no other way. That's why we get quality work out of you.
The writing process is like weather. You get droughts, flash floods, spitting rain, hailstorms, sunny and clear, cloudy and dark... (and sometimes even that effect where the clouds part and the sun shines through as a chorus of angels sing to Handel). Roll with it.
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Essy, we love your writing~ D: But I understand what you mean by just staring blankly and typing something up and then just deleting it anyway. x_x I often do that myself. That's why I get almost nowhere when I start writing. ^^;;
Well you know what they say...you're your own worst critic. I look back at some of my own things right now and I wanna smack my head on my desk. Blah.
I know I'm been MIA for ages, including commenting on people's fics... I do still read everything, I just lack the will/time to comment. Damned college applications. T__T Plus my shitload of regular homework. I'll be back to writing as soon as I can. D: (Probably the wrong place to be posting my 'pologies, but I can't be bothered to care. *gets her hand bitten by AP Biology book* GAWDAMMIT LEMME GO. *runs off trying to free her hand*)
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Meh, I'll just start ranting here too, I hope you guys are okay with that. (What the heck am I saying? Ignore that. XD)
I'm actually irritated by how short my chapters are. I try to keep them lengthy, but whenever I post it, I go, "IT'S TOO FREAKIN' SHORT!" in my mind. Then again, I don't know what else to add to the chapter. :thumbdown: Which is the main reason why Rondo's recent chapters are short, and that's why I think the plot's going nowhere if I keep this up.
Also, being on writer's block sucks, I sit at the computer on weekends, staring at a blank WordPad and I'm on Dictionary.com, but I feel...empty. (I guess I'm referring to Essy-can I call you that? XD-'s rant here too.) There's school on top of that too, so...yeah. There are times where I feel like writing, but then I can't think of anything at all. GAH, this sucks. XD
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Awww thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. :) Yeah I know I can be too hard on myself, but hey, you guys benefit in the end. :P
@Commie: I :heart: you. XD Yeah it takes me a few days (or a few weeks) to finish writing, so usually by then I'll be like "omg fail" at whatever comes out in the end. But at least I don't take months? ^^; :P Still love your stories though. <3 When 'chu gonna write again? ;_; XD
@Hotaru: Length doesn't make content. I've read chapters that are several thousand words long, and manage to say nothing (I'm guilty! Guilty! XD) of any significance. I think the important thing here is to learn how to put what is significant down, then you can start working on details later. Oh and you can call me Essy. Everyone can. XD If you can't write your established stories, just go write something different for a bit (and this is why I never finish anything....>_>; )
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^Thank you for the advice Estr- Oops, I mean Essy! XD (This is going to take me a while. ^^; )
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I'm really annoyed by my writing process. Half the time I just sit there and stare blankly. Then I type some, delete some, type some more, delete some more....
A lot of the time it's like two steps forward, one step back. Sentences don't flow right, paragraph lacking balance, a poorly turned phrase. Not to mention the flow of action needs to be exactly right or I'll be so pissed off that I'll delete the whole paragraph (or more).
What needs to happen vs what happens on the spot. Too many spontaneous moments. Spontaneity has its place, but too much drives the plot out of control. >_> It slows me down like a trainwreck...
And then there are times when I look at the finished product, and I'm like 'GOD I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT'. Which is then followed by the standard 'WHY WHY WHY DOES IT SUCK SO MUCH ARGH'. Then more self-hate, which leads to brooding. And less writing. Hmm.
I need to be less of a perfectionist...but if I'm not, I'll be more disappointed with myself. D: I need to find a balance...D:
Hey Essy :P
I hear you. I've been writing for 10 years now, and over those ten years I've probably spent more time aching and brooding over writing than actually writing. GOD I love writing, and I'm sure all of you guys do too, but the thing with writing is that it requires so much persistence and a truckload of patience. AND, you have to learn how to cope with your own cynicism - don't let it get the better of you.
I'm a bit of a perfectionist too - always having to make sure everything sounds good before moving on. Maybe this is the point of our downfall. Because everything has to sound perfect, we lose sight of the actual story and end up getting frustrated over mere words and description. Just keep in mind that we're writing fanfiction - it's not the end of the world if a sentence doesn't seem to flow in a paragraph... you know, feel free to write at StephMeyer-fanfic-standard writing :D The most important thing is the story, the characters and the feelings you bring across. And most of the time, less is more. Definitely.
I've read countless fanfiction and my favourites have always been the ones that make me feel. Funny thing is, the writer of my favourite fic ever happens to be learning English as a second language. Spelling almost non-existent, grammar all over the place... some things didn't even make sense to me until I got her to explain. BUT, the feelings that she was able to put across made me fall so madly in love with her story. Contrasted with the really professional-sounding fanfics I'd read at the time, it was WORLDS better.
What I find really helps is this:
- Write and write and write. Do not even look to see if it sounds good - let your thoughts pour out. Forget about finding the right adjective, or structuring this sentence a particular way. If you stop like that too often, you'll begin to feel drained. Adjectives and adverbs are just the flavours of writing - this you can add in later, so don't dwell on them. Nouns and verbs are much more important, but the thing YOU need to do is make sure you get your main points out first. Then, you can begin to decorate and pretty up the writing later. It's so much easier that way!
I found this advice really good too:
"The most familiar trick for ensuring a continuing hold on your material is to end work each day just short of what is in your mind to write, to leave for the next day a significant development, a scene you have quite clearly in mind. Many writers do this, so that they are eager to get started on the next stint, without the anxiety that may come if they are not sure of their direction or wonder which step to take first." -- Hallie & Whit Burnett
"McHugh's rule of writer's block: Writer's block is not the inability to write, it is the feeling as you are writing, that what you are writing is shit. The only way through it is to give yourself permission to write shit. (You may replace 'shit' with colorful euphemisms like 'cow dung' or even boring ones like 'crap.')" -- Maureen McHugh
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EVERYBODY NOW:
Maybe, to take some stress off all of you who are writing, you guys can create a combined fanfic - somebody starts off, then other people join in (writing paragraphs at a time, not just a sentence, though you can do that too). I've done it before at another forum and it had a great, spirited group feel to it, and it was something that didn't put any pressure on any of us because other people were always joining in to continue it.
:twothumb
Don't give up, guys. :heart:
P.S I'd love to read all your stories since I'm a fanfic maniac, but maybe a little later, when my IshiYoshi love isn't eating me whole. If any of you have IshiYoshi stories, PLEASE PLEASE do share! :otomerika: :yossi:
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^
Have you read tru's Runaway From The Past? That is VERY Ishiyoshi, since tru is a major fangirl. I THINK I have an Ishiyoshi story somewhere in my one-shot thread but don't feel compelled to go look for it, it's not very good. :nervous
Whoa...for the first time in a while, I tried to write yesterday. Disastrous. :sweatdrop:
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Estrea I think all the stuff you write is amazing and very good. Try not to be so hard on yourself all your readers/fans love anything you write including me. It's good that you want to write properly, but try to not be so harsh on yourself. When I do that I just end up damn near depressed and so frustrated that I just step away from my computer and go to bed. Also, it helps to do something that helps you feel less stressed you know like a bath? When I take a hot shower it usually works because of the sound of running water clears my head and I'm ready to write again.
Besides you write a hell of a lot better than me! That's for sure.
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Haha thanks guys. Oh and writerjunkie, I always think in the shower. A lot of my story ideas grew out of long showers...XD
Ok another minor rant...well, not so much a rant, but a grumble. >_>
I lack ReinAi. D:
That's it. XD Sometimes I feel like I'm writing three quarters of all that exists of ReinAi fanfic. So when I want to kick back and enjoy reading something not written by me, I find that I already read all of the other quarter that wasn't by me. >_> I mean, I was desperate enough to trawl Japanese fanfic message boards as well, and so far I've only found a grand total of ONE. Yes, just one ReinAi fanfic. And it was comedy. Granted, it was worth reading (and laughing) over, but really...
Not to mention, all the Chinese H!P fanfics I read that have Reina and Ai in them inevitably have Eri there as part of a triangle. And it almost always ends up as TanaKame. I have nothing against TanaKame really, but why do they have to put Ai into it then? D: It's so depressing to read. Lol.
And then back to English fandom, and I see a grand total of 3 people who write ReinAi on a semi-regular basis. Me, rokun, and peti-chan. (If I left anyone out, please forgive me, it's almost 4 in the morning and I'm not thinking clearly) And rokun isn't writing any more ReinAi lately. >_> *bricks him just because* XD
Sigh. I'll just go to sleep...
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Since the topic is close to my heart I will also grumble and rant a bit XD Yes, there is definitely not enough ReinAi writers and.... I join Estrea in bricking rokun :P
I think that because we, meaning RenAi fans, don't actually get many RenAi moments in the real life(and maybe that's also the reason why there is so few fics about them...), we are on a bigger 'hunger' than fans of other pairings, that's why we desperately crave for more RenAi fanfics but still even here we are a minority :( It isn't maybe that depressing but definitely, it's a shame that there is so few of us :( Come on people!It's such a great fun writing about them! XD
And I'm even in a worse situation than Estrea, cause I know only English and there is no fanfics about MM in polish :sweatdrop: So anyway, I started dragging people from my university into Momosu hoping that maybe someone will join our team and improve our fanfic statistics XD
Ok enough of ranting now off to sleep XD
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Since we're grumbling about pairings, I want to mention a new fav of mine. Tanagaki. Now, I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. I think I've seen maybe four fics with this pairing in it and I've written one of them, but it's just as plausible as any other pairing, like Renai or JunAi or even KohafreakinGaki. There's not a lot of TanaGaki moments IRL either, but just when I think maybe I should give up on the pairing, I find a video of them goofing off together and bam! My interest is back up.
There's a plethora of Takagaki and Gakikame and Tanakame and Kameshige, but where's more love for the rarer pairings? I think maybe we need to issue a challenge, if anyone wants to come up with rare Momusu pairings with a challenge word, I would be happy to participate.
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^ Haha, I think my first ever fix here years ago was Tanagaki centered, but like all my other stuff it never got near finished.
I've tried toying with the idea of unlikely pairings in the past but I guess because they are a bit weird they never pick up much interest, Another one I had going was JunMiki which I haven't seen anyone else do but yah, wasn't too much interest.
I'd be up for seeing some unique pairings though so I for one encourage you to do it!
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Another one I had going was JunMiki which I haven't seen anyone else do but yah, wasn't too much interest.
*raises hand* XD It was a bit small but... hey, JFC coined me for creating that, although it is not one I claim. :P ReinAi......... I do *ducks multitude of bricks thrown at him*
Us poor ReinAi fans... what are we to do? Essy dear, you must only think you write 3/4 of them because of all your one-shots :P Which is something I just don't do for whatever reason... What I would do... if I was starving for ReinAi... is just reread Odyssey over and over >.>; But I may be a little biased.
I actually find it a bit fascinating I'm not writing ReinAi lately really. I think it was because it felt like I was writing too much of it? Lol. Felt like I should be doing other things. But then I get people like Essy and peti-chan throwing bricks at me. -.-; What am I to doooo?! I'd say I'd write a new pure ReinAi fic, but I just started another new one I had no business doing. What I should really just do is one-shots... hmm.... :huhuh I dunno :P
As for rndm's TanaGaki, I don't deny it might be hot, mostly since Reina is involved, but honestly... I think my problem with it... is just that I don't really like Gaki. XD Although she is fun to write in fics sometimes. I remember when I started playing with her in Curse of the Dragons, she was one of my more enjoyable characters...
Weird.
As far as unusual pairings go, you all should know I'm all for that. In my opinion so far nothing beats Reina/Chisato. XD (except perhaps Yuko/MaiMai... which if you haven't been around enough, yes, did happen...)
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Another one I had going was JunMiki which I haven't seen anyone else do but yah, wasn't too much interest.
*raises hand* XD It was a bit small but... hey, JFC coined me for creating that, although it is not one I claim. :P
I did? I suck at remembering. :lol:
And just for the record, I usually personally refer to/identify pairings via seniority; hence I'll say "AiJun" when most others will say "JunAi".
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Actually, now that I look, I don't think you did. :lol: I did write it that once though, and perhaps I should expand it some more.
And... omg you are still here! I KNEW it! You're just hiding. >.>
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@peti-chan: Aww poor you. Now I feel slightly luckier that I know other languages in which to read more MM fics. ^^;
@rndmn: I think I might have seen some Tanagaki fics in Chinese, not many though. Just a spot or two at the very most. Chinese fandom is overwhelmingly Takagaki, Tanakame, GAM, and Ishiyoshi. Lol. There are assorted other pairings of course, but the trend is definitely towards those 4 pairings I mentioned. Japanese fanfic trends towards the old generation, although there is a growing percentage of "new gen" fics, but like I said, most of it still goes towards "orthodox" pairings. Oh well. XD
rokun! There you are! :D I knew bricking you would get your attention, and the only reason why I don't reread Odyssey over and over again is because its too painful for light reading (you know what I mean :P). And I agree with you, we just don't like Gaki as much, but she can be fun to write...>_>; *avoids Gaki fans like the plague*
Unusual pairings hmm...I'm so Ai-centric that I can only see around her (just kidding...or not), but I would like a Maki/Ai (which I have written...or rather, implied). Oh and oddly enough I want a Rika/Ai as well. Blame a rewatching of Ribbon no Kishi the other day. :lol:
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I think my problem with it... is just that I don't really like Gaki.
And I agree with you, we just don't like Gaki as much,
:doh: Two of the best writers don't like my second fav? Guess I'm shit outta luck on requesting any Gaki pairing fics, huh? :lol: That's okay, I don't really like Reina that much, though she is my #3. Doesn't say much on my opinions on the other girls.
I think I like Gaki cause she always seems like she's riding that fine line between excitable and on crack and the image of her smoking a pipe and popping pills just amuses me to no end, for some odd reason.
Hmm, I think I feel inspired...
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Yeah... I have the same problem as rokun and Estrea :sweatdrop: can't help it...wonder if it's actually something that all of us RenAi lovers suffer from :lol:
But anyway, as for the unusual pairings Maki/Ai sounds definitely good XD and also Miki/Reina anyone? :lol:
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Ok another rant from me...these seem to be more frequent than usual eh?
I've been seriously discouraged about my writing lately. The quality is still kind of there, but I can always do better (when do I not say that? actually when I stop saying that, I'm in trouble, so let's hope I never stop saying it). People tell me they really like it, but recently I've been questioning myself about that.
Do I write because I like to write, or because I just wanted to hear the compliments? Let's be honest now, comments, especially nice ones, are always very flattering. It's always nice to receive comments, and god knows that I love them. People who chat to me on IM might have noticed that. But yeah, this concerns me. I don't want to write just for the praise. It's...not ethical somehow. It feels cheap. I don't like the feeling. It makes me feel like I'm disgracing what it means to be a writer.
I've been thinking about it all day, and this really bothers me. I don't want to be something I don't like to be. I know I enjoy the comments, but I feel the need the question my own motivations. I shouldn't be writing because of praise, and really, I need more criticism if nothing else. It's making me very discouraged about this whole fanfic business. I feel like I'm doing nothing with myself in the end, even though technically I'm practicing a lot about writing. Not enough, but it's there.
Sigh. I don't have any faith in myself. Maybe I should just quit and never come back. :/
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*grabs estra by the shoulders and shakes her* GIRL YOU'RE CRAZY!
i understand what you mean but at the same time think about it. it's pretty much human nature for us to want to get praise.if we didnt alot of people wouldnt be motivated. i could be wrong but that's what i think. plus i'm truely envious of your writing, and it's honestly true. my writing is an extreame epic fail even if it's cus of my newbie-ness of writing, but dont let that get you down. dont doubt yourself to much and put urself down cus that isnt good and also....
DONT U DARE EVER QUIT AND LEAVE!!!
where will my love of a playa ai go? XD
*finaly stops shaking her*
sorry about that^^;
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Ok another rant from me...these seem to be more frequent than usual eh?
I've been seriously discouraged about my writing lately. The quality is still kind of there, but I can always do better (when do I not say that? actually when I stop saying that, I'm in trouble, so let's hope I never stop saying it). People tell me they really like it, but recently I've been questioning myself about that.
Do I write because I like to write, or because I just wanted to hear the compliments? Let's be honest now, comments, especially nice ones, are always very flattering. It's always nice to receive comments, and god knows that I love them. People who chat to me on IM might have noticed that. But yeah, this concerns me. I don't want to write just for the praise. It's...not ethical somehow. It feels cheap. I don't like the feeling. It makes me feel like I'm disgracing what it means to be a writer.
I've been thinking about it all day, and this really bothers me. I don't want to be something I don't like to be. I know I enjoy the comments, but I feel the need the question my own motivations. I shouldn't be writing because of praise, and really, I need more criticism if nothing else. It's making me very discouraged about this whole fanfic business. I feel like I'm doing nothing with myself in the end, even though technically I'm practicing a lot about writing. Not enough, but it's there.
Sigh. I don't have any faith in myself. Maybe I should just quit and never come back. :/
kawaii got to it before i did lol, IMO I think you should not force yourself to write, as a reader i have learned to be patient about people's fics, because it is not worth any time to force one out. Maybe you just need to brew your ideas together and rest my mind. Praise is a great thing and I feel indifferent about it, it helps motivation but I always want more in the end which is sort of greedy of me. I would step back from the writing for a while to control the emotions you have right now, when you feel ready go back and open a new page so you don't look at the previous writing.
I hope you don't leave it all together b/c you are part of a foundation for all of the present and new writers to stand on, without it we can't see the bench marks we need to aim for
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Do I write because I like to write, or because I just wanted to hear the compliments? Let's be honest now, comments, especially nice ones, are always very flattering. It's always nice to receive comments, and god knows that I love them. People who chat to me on IM might have noticed that. But yeah, this concerns me. I don't want to write just for the praise. It's...not ethical somehow. It feels cheap. I don't like the feeling. It makes me feel like I'm disgracing what it means to be a writer.
Who exactly decides what it is to be a writer? If you write for comments then so what? Everyone writes for their own reasons and so who's to judge you if this is yours? I'm not saying it is but hell, if it bothers people that much that that's what you're after then I'm sure they'll stop commenting, that's one easy way to find out.
It would be stupid to say that comments don't mean anything becase like you say, they're always nice to get, but why worry about it if you don't get them? I can't really explain very well because I haven't got much of an idea why I write myself...because I can? If it was for comments then I probably wouldn't be happy with my current track record but it really shouldn't bother you.
I'll be hoenst and say I'm only just about to go looking around in this seciton of the forum for a very long time and I don't know whether you're int he middle of a story while debating this or you feel like starting one or whatever else it may be. Why did you get thinking about this?
I've been thinking about it all day, and this really bothers me. I don't want to be something I don't like to be. I know I enjoy the comments, but I feel the need the question my own motivations. I shouldn't be writing because of praise, and really, I need more criticism if nothing else. It's making me very discouraged about this whole fanfic business. I feel like I'm doing nothing with myself in the end, even though technically I'm practicing a lot about writing. Not enough, but it's there.
If getting praise is your biggest worry then you should be happy, though I can see where you're ocming from, I myself much prefer getting criticism. It's difficult to understand exactly what a reader is thinking if they simply say that they're enjoying something but when they criticise parts of it then it's usually much easier for them to go into depth and tell you why exactly they felt that way and it's much more beneficial. Nobody is a perfect writer and nobody is ever going to be, that's because different people like different things.
Sigh. I don't have any faith in myself. Maybe I should just quit and never come back. :/
That would be stupid.
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Thanks for the support (?) guys, I appreciate it.
Who exactly decides what it is to be a writer? If you write for comments then so what? Everyone writes for their own reasons and so who's to judge you if this is yours? I'm not saying it is but hell, if it bothers people that much that that's what you're after then I'm sure they'll stop commenting, that's one easy way to find out.
I don't intend to define what it means to be a writer for everyone, just for myself. I guess I didn't say it very well there. I'm trying to hold myself to somewhat higher standards, but the problem is that, well, I'm still an "amateur" in everything that counts, so pooh to that. And as you read on, of course you realize that it's not a lack of comments I get, it's the lack of thinking comments that give me useful input, but I always appreciate reaction comments as it does help me gauge whether I achieved my intended effect with the writing.
I'll be hoenst and say I'm only just about to go looking around in this seciton of the forum for a very long time and I don't know whether you're int he middle of a story while debating this or you feel like starting one or whatever else it may be. Why did you get thinking about this?
Well, since you don't seem to know, I have been writing for a while here and have several as yet unfinished stories. The reason why I was thinking about it because I was doing some self-examination on my own personality (something that most people don't do consciously enough, or if they do, they don't do it often enough, me included) and I was concerned about getting complacent about this whole business. I've had bad episodes in the past where I got too smug about things, and it always turned out badly, so I rather not get too arrogant about any kind of ability I might have in writing, because it would impede progress in that area. However, I'm rather bad at finding a balance between pride and hubris, I guess. I just don't want to get ahead of myself, and I don't expect people to understand it. It's part of my own personal battle with my own ego.
Sigh. I don't have any faith in myself. Maybe I should just quit and never come back. :/
That would be stupid.
Of course it would be stupid, I wasn't very rational when I wrote it. But I thank you for your candor.
I guess this is just one of those moods I get. I don't know if I'll ever find an answer to all the questions I have, but I certainly am going to try. Doesn't help that most people don't take what I'm doing as seriously as I do. By all means though, have fun with the writing. I'm just in that minority who suffers doing something they like. Big deal. The world has better things to do than care.
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Gomen ne, Essy...I saw your thing (not away message...idk what it's called lol) on AIM yesterday and I wanted to talk to you but I was kinda stuck in my own little emo rut. :nervous
I think you should keep trying...I mean, you know how writing can be a good release. I also know that you have that "worry" about getting too...cocky, if you will. Now, I'm not going to pretend that I know you any better than I do but please Essy, ganbatte.
Do it for...anyone or anything. Just try.
And yeah...lame attempt at consolation. :sweatdrop: *disappears back to her APUSH book*
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Wow, the one time I don't check this forum for 24 hours or so...
Well Essy, I know you have your own standards when it comes to your writing, and I think I can see where you are coming from... But I guess the way I look at it is... going back to your question, why do you write? Why does anyone write? It's always good to love to write, because if you don't love what you do, I don't think you can do it very long. There's gotta be something else though. You're wondering if you write for the comments... or in other words, the praise. Even if you're the best writer in the world, what's wrong with that? After all, what is good writing worth if it's not enjoyed?
We actually put so much effort into writing here, but we basically get nothing for it. People have to be rewarded for what they do, or they'll feel like it isn't worth anything, and no matter how talented you might be, it's still true. Talent is what gets you writing in the first place... the reward is what keeps it going. We don't get paid here (even though most of us are silly for that considering the amount of work we put into most of these things), but the rewards we do get are the comments... the praise... that people like what we do - that it affects someone outside ourselves. I've always said that I write for myself and because I enjoy it, but the comments make me feel part of something too. So I guess... If you write for comments? So you want it to mean something to someone. It just shows you're human. :)
Apart from all this, people still have other reasons for writing. Chaucer may have begun writing in English because people commissioned him to do so, but it allowed him to express how he saw people of the day. Edgar Allen Poe's story is even more well-known - he wrote because he had no outlet for all his complicated feelings, a lot of which were dark, and there are countless writers who have done the same. If we have some small talent for it, writing is our outlet for expressing those thoughts and emotions... something which we may not be able to do otherwise... something that may make us feel isolated from everyone else. I read a great article in my school newspaper over the summer about how "to write is to be alone". People can't understand what it takes to get us to write... and yet writing is also our way of relating to others. It's our refuge in a way. What's wrong with seeing that connection come to fruition in something as small as a short comment of praise? Or cold hard cash... they're both expressions of people appreciating what you do.
What does all this mean? It shows we're human... and it reflects how we need one another as well. I know I wouldn't have likely met you all except for my writing, and yours... It surely means something different to everyone, but I'm happy how it turned out, and it makes me feel welcome and comfortable. If that's the reason why I keep writing and keep reading everyone's comments... then I don't mind it at all.
Okay... done rambling >.>;
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Hm it's been a while since this rant hole has been used for anything.
Guess I might as well put it to use, since, well, I have a problem.
Writing just isn't so fun anymore.
Well. I love to think of new ideas, of telling stories in my head and word craft. But I don't want to share any more. It's too tiring to balance with work and all my other commitments. I have a ton of ideas, some of which I want to follow up on, but some will probably never ever see light of day. Yet even with those I want to follow up on, when I want to write, either something interrupts me (gah, responsibility sucks), or I pause and go "why would anyone care?".
The first is inevitable. Work is a necessary evil, and it's the only thing keeping me alive and sane, sadly. I've turned into a workaholic to avoid getting depressed. Lol.
The second though, seems to go a great deal deeper. Let's face it, I'm not very good with finishing stories. I have a ton of unfinished stories out there, as anyone who has been around the fanfic section for the past couple of years probably knows. The only thing I've officially completed is Nanchatte Renai, and it's still my favorite baby that actually grew up, even though it makes me sad when I reread it. And oddly accomplished, since it's over for good. Lol.
But with all my unfinished stuff, I feel like I should get back to them, but they all seem so lacking. I've changed in the time I've been away from those stories, and the perspectives and themes I've held for them when I began writing are now...not the same. Going back feels different, and may change the direction of the stories entirely. Which I could reasonably still do and retcon away, but the whole business just tires me out.
I guess it's because I've lost a support group in the whole fanfic business here. Writing is less fun without a sounding board, especially with the fun stuff and crack. The best crack I've ever written was spawned out of crazy convos with equally nutty people at ungodly hours that sends my brain on overdrive. Shared excitement makes the whole experience more entertaining, and it's a genuine source of motivation. It's hard to come up with perfectly insane and hilariously funny things on a consistent basis unless you're just crazy like that, or on a phase (or on drugs, who knows). Inspiration comes from life and living. And living usually means other people.
I don't really have that anymore. My usual group moved on. Of course, they're growing up and/or getting more involved with either real life or other fandoms. I feel like I'm trapped on a sinking ship and it just feels so hard trying to bail all the water out. And then there's a new ship with new crew out there. Not my generation anymore, for sure. I feel oddly out of place, an antique in a changing fandom that doesn't need an emo who doesn't update regularly. So even if I have something new, something I genuinely like, I don't feel the motivation to post. I feel kinda silly getting excited about something, but everyone around me is like "oh, you're still at it?" and just making me feel weirdly trivial. Comments are nice and all, but I miss my old dynamic relationships with a few close confidants.
I feel like I'm missing something when I don't write. けど、それでいいかも。
だって、所詮中に何が壊れているだもん。
And now I return to my usual mode of silence. Please ignore.
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^ I can understand you with writing. With work maybe a little, all I have to do is look at my mom and see how much work runs her into the ground to the point that she's barely home to see my sisters and I. But as for writing, I know how it can be hard to do when you have to do important things first. Then as you continue with work it just changes you. It seems to me as if it takes away the kid in someone and the creativity. I feel like that's happening with me in college which is why I'm starting to hate it.
I know how it's even harder to want to write because the people who were your motivation to write and make fun or crazy ideas are either going away, changing, or just not as interested anymore. I've made a few ideas myself by talking with a friend of mine in IM and it made me feel happy and excited to write any fic. Now, she's taken away from work, is no longer into MM, and that makes me kind of sad that we can't have those fun and crazy thoughts. Especially since she was the only one to talk to about KameShige related ideas. Since there aren't many people for me who like that pairing.
I think you shouldn't give up and try to find other ways to help make fanfic writing fun when you get the time to of course. I know you'll feel misplaced with new people, but just give it some time to warm up to them and know them more. And I know that change is a scary thing. I personally don't like it, but I'm trying to get used to change because as an artist if there weren't no change then art would be how it is today. A media with endless forms that gives an artist so much room and materials to mess with. I don't know if it is the same for writing, but I find that writing is like art just in word form.
I know it's tough, but you shouldn't give up on a fic. Just write it down to get it out of your head and go over it when you feel like it. Don't even think about who will like it or who will care. Just get the picture out of your head. I guess you can see this is like free-writing, where a person just writes and doesn't even think about their thoughts they just put it on paper.
I hope this helps. ^^; I'm not good with advice, but I try. And I wouldn't mind talking with you on ideas just for fun.
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sounds like a case of burnout. In any case, life is really more than working and the internet (like I'm one to talk).
Waning interest in a fandom is something we've all experienced- it doesn't mean we love it any less, we just end up being less involved in it. It doesn't sound like you want to stop writing, though. If you did, you wouldn't have even bothered to rant here.
At least you have identified what you feel you miss, or lack to write. Seems like the solution is clear- you just have to gather what you need and make it happen. Writing should be fun, Essy. It should be fun for yourself. Who cares that you have a million unfinished stories you feel lacking. Fanfic is your expression of love for the fandom and a generous dose of self-indulgence. Do whatsoever you wish, take however long you want. Who cares if 15th-gen auditions for MM comes along? Freeze this moment in time, disregard relevance and context and just write what you love best.
Move on only on your own terms. Come on, realistically, we all can't be 30-somethings and still fangirling the same thing we used to a decade ago. So, as long as you still love it- don't miss the chance to show your love for it in your own way.
If your way is to lurk and imagine stories in your head, so be it. If you want to keep starting new threads, with new stories and not finish them, that's perfectly fine. If you want to delete every story you've ever written to start afresh, let me know first so I can save 'em somewhere on my harddrive.
Do whatever you want to and damn the consequences.
(By the way, I attempted to read it away in the metaphorical sense you meant for it to have been read, but to no avail: did you just refer to yourself as an antique in my 28-year-old presence?)
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Essy, the best thing is to take a deep breath, because that is all what you can do, step away and just let everything spill out. I think taking a break would be essential for many of us. You are an incredible writer and sometimes you just have to soak in some things and maybe do something different. You should determine what is the next move and just go with it, many will still be waiting, for your writing and even if you don't at least get the newbies to see your work because you may not teach but give them insight. Just be calm and let every thing flow
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sounds like a case of burnout. In any case, life is really more than working and the internet (like I'm one to talk).
Ah yeah, burnout. That always sucks. I just feel so incredibly unenthusiastic about everything. Sigh.
Waning interest in a fandom is something we've all experienced- it doesn't mean we love it any less, we just end up being less involved in it. It doesn't sound like you want to stop writing, though. If you did, you wouldn't have even bothered to rant here.
Well that's true. I really want to continue, but there just isn't anything left in me to continue. I need a break. Haha.
At least you have identified what you feel you miss, or lack to write. Seems like the solution is clear- you just have to gather what you need and make it happen. Writing should be fun, Essy. It should be fun for yourself. Who cares that you have a million unfinished stories you feel lacking. Fanfic is your expression of love for the fandom and a generous dose of self-indulgence. Do whatsoever you wish, take however long you want. Who cares if 15th-gen auditions for MM comes along? Freeze this moment in time, disregard relevance and context and just write what you love best.
I think I really needed to hear that. Or technically, read that, see that, however you want. I need to feel in love again. Excitement. Perhaps a break will be good to recharge my senses.
Move on only on your own terms. Come on, realistically, we all can't be 30-somethings and still fangirling the same thing we used to a decade ago. So, as long as you still love it- don't miss the chance to show your love for it in your own way.
A decade ago I was obsessively lurking on FFnet and reading everything from slash to badly written straightfics. I was also into Neopets. *facepalms* Not an episode I'm proud of. :P But things haven't really changed that much...at least not between 5 years ago and now. Lol. One thing though, I still love to read even after all these years. :P
If your way is to lurk and imagine stories in your head, so be it. If you want to keep starting new threads, with new stories and not finish them, that's perfectly fine. If you want to delete every story you've ever written to start afresh, let me know first so I can save 'em somewhere on my harddrive.
Lmao at the last one. I'm not sure if I should be mildly horrified or just flattered. Possibly a combination of both. :lol:
(By the way, I attempted to read it away in the metaphorical sense you meant for it to have been read, but to no avail: did you just refer to yourself as an antique in my 28-year-old presence?)
I was referring to in fandom terms. 4 years and counting in H!P fandom (I'm sure rokun and others can boast a longer record) makes me feel old in comparison to the new incoming fans. Regardless of real age. XD Besides, antiques are charming! It isn't too bad to be...quaint. :P
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Honestly, I don't know much about your real life situation. I don't know the things you're going through at home or work, so on that subject I can't really comment. But I do understand when you say you feel like your support group has moved on.
Having someone say, "Oh, you're still doing that?" makes me shrink back more than anything. Makes me feel like they're really saying, "Oh, you haven't grown out of that phase yet? Ho ho ho." Though I never really had a sounding board until recently, I don't know now if I would be able to go back to not having that person around for me to toss ideas at. Everything around here is changing, everyone is leaving and new people are coming in all the time. I'm always so awkward at getting to know new people, even in the anonymity of the internet.
I'm just ranting. What I'm trying to say is I understand your feelings, about writing, about posting, even if I'm not doing a very good job of being clear about that.
Ultimately, though I have always felt that writing is something that you do for yourself. I know I started so that I had some outlet on my feelings, some happy place I could go to when things got tough. Whether we say we want you to continue writing or we don't care if your stories are finished(though I would definitely like them to be >.<), we could say it a hundred times and never get through to you how awesome we think you are.
You start a story and have this idea and you spend months writing it, but in the process, you change, grow, your story doesn't seem quite right the way it used to. As a result of your ever changing human mind, new ideas are constantly going through. Gah, not making any sense! My head has been all jumbled recently.
I'm not going to tell you to keep writing. I'm not going to tell you to stop writing. What I am going to say is I'm your fan, Essy, so whatever you decide to do, I'll support you from my side of the world.
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I won't say too much here, because I think the other very caring people before me have already said things very well...
or I pause and go "why would anyone care?".
T____________T
I guess Essy hasn't read any of my fangirly posts in her fanfic threads. :sweatdrop: Time to CAPSLOCK!!!!
Shared excitement makes the whole experience more entertaining, and it's a genuine source of motivation.
SO TRUE.
For a writer yes, but for readers too. :heart:
(e.g. Ropychan + Bee = FANGIRLING BONANZA ; grac joins, gets FANGIRLED LIKE NUTS AND BECOMES HIGHLY MOTIVATED - I hope. xD).
I feel like I'm trapped on a sinking ship and it just feels so hard trying to bail all the water out. And then there's a new ship with new crew out there. Not my generation anymore, for sure. I feel oddly out of place, an antique in a changing fandom that doesn't need an emo who doesn't update regularly.
If Essy needs this kind of motivation and the feeling of immediacy with a support group, I'm sure a lot of us here would be happy to join. We can all help to bail out the water with you, captain. Us new crew on our diamond-finish sparkling new ships aren't so cold-hearted as to leave a sinking ship when we see one, not when the captain of that ship happens to be somebody so well-loved and... legendary. XD Actually, if you're feeling that insecure, how about you get off that irreparable ship of yours and come join us on ours? Don't be afraid! We ARE very cute and friendly, aren't we? :mon cute: And we sure do need the experience and guidance that only somebody of your calibre can provide. ^__^
And just like Morning Musume; we still love and adore the OGs, don't we? We want to see them all the time, with each other, and especially with the new generations. So no matter what generations any one of us members fall under, we support each other. I hope we can all do the same for you. :heart:
I feel like I'm missing something when I don't write.
You're a writer, plain and simple.
You just need to clear your head, don't get so caught up in worries and troubles about this and that and everything; I get this impression that you're a bit of a worry-wart, Essy. It's never as bad as you make it out to be in your head. NEVER.
You might need to take a bit of a break, you might need to form new goals for yourself, or find some of us on IM (and I mean, you will need a whole MASS of us, your situation is that dire :lol: kiddings) to talk to. Have a bit of fun on the side like this, and it will be very healing. :P
Do whatever you want to and damn the consequences.
I'm not going to tell you to keep writing. I'm not going to tell you to stop writing. What I am going to say is I'm your fan, Essy, so whatever you decide to do, I'll support you from my side of the world.
I AGREE!!!!!!
I love your work, I have always loved it and will always look forward to what you are willing to share with us. <333
Whatever you decide to do, Essy. It's your call.
Ganbatte! :love:
:onioncheer: :onioncheer: :onioncheer: :onioncheer:
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Well, this post may do more harm than good, and I'm not sure I'll necessarily address Essy directly (since she gets enough of me on IM), but I'm gonna say my piece anyway.
I know I'm not great at keeping things updated, and in that sense could maybe be one of those ancients Essy describes herself as (although I don't consider myself that emo normally :ph43r:). However, I'm still a H!P fan, and especially with how I've reacted to the new blood (S/mileage, 9th gen), I don't really see that changing anytime soon. I guess maybe I just have a different view of a "fandom".
Perhaps it's natural to categorize us into "generations" as Yuuchan and others have in the past, since it's a way of imitating the idols we love so much, but I don't really see that it has to be "new fans" and "old fans" or anything in between. As far as that, I'm an "older" fan than most anyone in our little forum here, but I know plenty here and in other places who have been around a lot longer than me even - in general, I consider myself a rather "mid-range" H!P fan. But when it comes down to it, there really aren't that many differences among us.
As a fan for several years now, including my own lifestyle, I've had the opportunity to see a lot of the girls' history (including almost all of Berryz/C-ute's, etc.), and even the chance to see many of them in concert while I was in Japan, and at AX in 2009. There are many people who have been around longer than me who haven't gotten the chance to see them, or perhaps as much at least, even though they've been around for more of the "history". On the other end of the spectrum, I'm continually impressed by how much knowledge the "new blood" around here manages to obtain in a relatively short period of time. Today with all your youtubes and lightning-fast torrents and everything, new as well as old material is more easily accessible than ever before - it wasn't quite like that when I first joined, and there are spots I even lag with things I've perhaps never seen.
My point is we're all fans, and that's just who we are. The few of us here desire to show and share our fandom through fanfics, which I feel is a very strong bond that unites us. It's weird to hear people talk about "moving on", or "taking a break" or something like it's a structured life event like job or school that you need to graduate from. Again, perhaps it makes sense we'd think that way since it's yet another imitation of our idols, but to me it's just something you like, and want to use to help you enjoy life.
This goes for fanfics too - like others have said, it's really in the beginning a selfish activity for our own enjoyment, and our preferred way of sharing our fandom. It doesn't matter who you share it with - new fans, old fans, fans who might be more interested in something else now... We all still love the same girls, have read many of the same stories whether over years or a few months, and just want to share that love with others we recognize as like us.
I've enjoyed talking to everyone I've gotten the chance to around here, and as time goes on hope to do so with many more :) be they 9th gen readers/writers/fans, 10th gen, 15th gen, or beyond... There's plenty of Momusu love and Berryz love and love of everything else to go around :heart:
And that... is one reason I :heart: being just another fan.
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To summarize my response to all the kind comments...
I :heart: you guys. XD
It's not that I'm any less of a fan of H!P...or rather, MM, since that's where the majority of my fandom lies. I like Berryz and C-ute, but I don't love them the same way. I love MM and all its history, and I believe I'll continue supporting the group even after Ai graduates (she'll just take a piece of my heart with her when she leaves the group, and then make me follow her solo career too because of that XD).
I think my whole jaded reaction comes from the whole writing process. Somehow, it became more like a job than something done for fun. I guess I get tired too. Burned out, as drac put it. I invest so much of myself into it, but somewhere along the way, I lost sight of having fun and was trying to create something perfect to match my sense of aesthetics, and that can really wear down on a person. I never like making anything less than exactly as I want it, otherwise I feel like I betrayed something important to myself. I forgot how to make it fun for myself too, I guess. Then again, the people who made it fun for me are mostly gone anyway. Rokun you don't count, because we tend to do things a little differently sometimes. :P I miss Fimmy...
Then again, even if the people who used to be there suddenly come back, I doubt it'll ever be the same. All of us have changed, and I'm not sure that they'll give me what I need anymore. We'll still be friends, but friendships evolve too. I have friends from junior high that stuck with me even after all this time, and the way we relate to each other has changed completely. We're no longer adolescents, and I guess...things don't stay the same.
I think what I miss is having chemistry with someone. Not in the romantic sense, but being on the same wavelength...I haven't really had someone who could strike up a good tempo for conversation in a long time. I have different types of conversation with the people I do talk to, and I appreciate those as they are, but they don't really inspire me to have more fun with my fandom (and thus, my writing...). Ah, the good old days where crazy conversations lead to equally crazy dialogue and plots that are so warped, it could outdo a wormhole. :lol:
It rather seems like once I get attached to a particular concept, the shadow of it lingers even after the person that inspired them leaves. I never properly loved another person after my first "adult" relationship (not THAT kind of adult...). I never really could connect well with someone else after the one who was on the same wavelength with me left. I stick to an ideal...sometimes I wonder if I should let go and be more acceptive of new things. But then again, nothing else impresses me the same way, and until then...?
Ok, got totally off track. Haha. What does it matter, I never could stay on track for anything. For my life, my writing....heh. XD The more things change, the more I stay the same. :P
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The timezone difference might be a bother, but I'd be up for chat spazzing/convos about H!P. I'm kind of in the opposite boat -- I've found a great group of SNSD/Kpop fans to meta about but none of them got into H!P like I have so when I want to make all these references and analyses they don't care. :lol: (Well, opposite in that I'm technically "into a new fandom") That and I've kicked around writing impulses for a while now, never gave into them because SCIENCE is way too time-intensive for me to do the ideas any justice, but it would be nice to be able to at least spazz about the concepts to someone else instead of just myself. That and it's the easiest way to get rid of plunny urges, although I've had to make do with fanart sketches. :nervous
But this also means that I've been able to talk characterization and pairing stuff about the Kpop girls all over the place(even betaing for a fic writer) but I kind of want to see if my internal characterizations of the H!P girls and their interaction dynamics are correct. Not to mention some of the more interesting conundrums about the idol system itself, from identity issues to promotion tactics. Kpop has those, but not as fucked up as Jpop can be. :lol:
And hey, if chat doesn't work out I'd be fine with a PM/posting/comments back and forth thing to. That actually gives me the time to research/confirm and develop my points and iron out the useless bits. :P
BTW I'm arbitrary_greay on LJ, I saw you comment on greywing's before. You still reading our word vomit?
Finally, and I hope I don't offend anyone here with what I'm about to say, but I'm also relieved that your reasons for burnout weren't along the lines of "where are the comments D:", because there is so much of that bullshit going on at SSF right now with diva/o authors shutting down their stories to spite the people who aren't commenting,(despite 67 pages for 20 chapters!?) and thus screwing over the people who have been following them. IMHO, the writers here not only tend to aspire to higher standards of writing but are more mindful of their followers. And on the other side, the readers are also much more helpful than "____ pairing squeeee write moar~!" one-liners, forming a much tighter community instead of a mudpit of mediocrity. I know that all writers crave feedback, but you this topic right here proves that you guys know not to let that produce any bullshit. When you post something like that in here, we know that it's not just another call for feedback but that there are real issues causing the burnout. /rant
BTW one of these days I'll have to comment in your oneshot thread again, gracula. Especially because hellz yeah, Charmikitty and drunkenSage!Nakazawa.
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@Rayle I be honest I was one of those so I am guilty of it however I have a lot of shit to do lately to care too much about that issue. I think it is a great idea that you brought up, just pick who you want to speak to and there is your support group XD I mean whatever rocks your boat just go with it.
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The timezone difference might be a bother, but I'd be up for chat spazzing/convos about H!P. I'm kind of in the opposite boat -- I've found a great group of SNSD/Kpop fans to meta about but none of them got into H!P like I have so when I want to make all these references and analyses they don't care. :lol: (Well, opposite in that I'm technically "into a new fandom") That and I've kicked around writing impulses for a while now, never gave into them because SCIENCE is way too time-intensive for me to do the ideas any justice, but it would be nice to be able to at least spazz about the concepts to someone else instead of just myself. That and it's the easiest way to get rid of plunny urges, although I've had to make do with fanart sketches. :nervous
Kpop is fun. XD I don't dislike Kpop, but I'm too lazy to follow another group at the moment. Besides, Kpop fandom has way too much unnecessary drama in it for me to absorb. :lol: I remember being really into Kpop during my early teens, but now I just like being a casual fan. :D Less stressful, and I still get to watch and listen to good music and performances. And I appreciate the offer. ^_^ Yeah it kinda sucks when you want to make references that only make sense if one is involved in the material referenced, and most other people don't actually know...or care to know for that matter. That's why any piece of writing is actually funniest for the author, because we know where ALL the in jokes are (we put them in after all XD).
But this also means that I've been able to talk characterization and pairing stuff about the Kpop girls all over the place(even betaing for a fic writer) but I kind of want to see if my internal characterizations of the H!P girls and their interaction dynamics are correct. Not to mention some of the more interesting conundrums about the idol system itself, from identity issues to promotion tactics. Kpop has those, but not as fucked up as Jpop can be. :lol:
Kpop has really "grown up" as a fandom. 10 years ago fanfiction there was still really in prototypical budding stages. You had fanfic back then, but it was hard to find something that wasn't either 1) school days based or 2) Real Life simulation. Now people really put more thought into them as people, instead of just taking the character, horribly mutilating the personality to fit into an archetype, and then posting them into weird fantasies. :lol: Jpop, on the other hand, has had some crazy meta fandom for ages, which can lead to incredibly strange things. Or it could be just that the Japanese are strange. After all, this is the nation that gave us tentacle rape. *coughs*
And hey, if chat doesn't work out I'd be fine with a PM/posting/comments back and forth thing to. That actually gives me the time to research/confirm and develop my points and iron out the useless bits. :P
BTW I'm arbitrary_greay on LJ, I saw you comment on greywing's before. You still reading our word vomit?
I'll be happy to add you to chat. :) PMing is fine too, especially due to aforementioned time zone problems. XD Oh so you're that person! XD Yeah I still habitually lurk around greywing's LJ. You guys really go indepth there. It's kinda like WALL OF TEXT and if I'm too tired, my eyes kinda glaze over. :lol:
Finally, and I hope I don't offend anyone here with what I'm about to say, but I'm also relieved that your reasons for burnout weren't along the lines of "where are the comments D:", because there is so much of that bullshit going on at SSF right now with diva/o authors shutting down their stories to spite the people who aren't commenting,(despite 67 pages for 20 chapters!?) and thus screwing over the people who have been following them. IMHO, the writers here not only tend to aspire to higher standards of writing but are more mindful of their followers. And on the other side, the readers are also much more helpful than "____ pairing squeeee write moar~!" one-liners, forming a much tighter community instead of a mudpit of mediocrity. I know that all writers crave feedback, but you this topic right here proves that you guys know not to let that produce any bullshit. When you post something like that in here, we know that it's not just another call for feedback but that there are real issues causing the burnout. /rant
I know what you mean. I mean, I want more comments from around here, but which writer doesn't? XD Then again, one meaningful comment (from the likes of our commenting stars here Bee and ropy for example) beats out 10 comments that have no substance whatsoever. XD While I miss the days of AA where I can get anything up to 20 comments that actually involve people thinking about what they put in, I suppose we just have to make do with what we get now. (Where are youuuuu JFC??? XD) Not that I don't appreciate what I have, it's just us old timers longing for the "good old days". :P
Maybe for once I should just write something, anything, without planning anything at all in advance. Just jump into headfirst and eyes closed like I did with AA. And then just make things up as I go. :lol: That might lead to another epic. After all, I did write the H!P version of Pirates of the Carribbean without knowing a single thing about the fandom (thank you wiki). XD
That might make it fun again. Even if it would probably border on ridiculous. But crack seems to be in vogue again, no?
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Kpop is all about hitting my talent kink, especially in the dancing department. No wonder Ai loves it. :lol:
Now people really put more thought into them as people, instead of just taking the character, horribly mutilating the personality to fit into an archetype, and then posting them into weird fantasies.
Actually, I think those are the writers than have migrated over from Jpop. :lol: Or have contact with Jpop migrant authors.
Jpop, on the other hand, has had some crazy meta fandom for ages
Yes! If it weren't for me discovering Cult of Pop and finding out that it's okay to analyze idols like that I don't think I ever would have gotten as deep into idol fandom as I have.
Heh, that's why I broke up my WALL OF TEXT track record with a boobies post on ffa yesterday. :lol: :9
Isn't that what you were going to do with Nocturne? :P
So then the remaining question is of course your optimal chat times.(I have a pretty flexible schedule)
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^I tend to be available between midnight to somewhere like 3-5 in the morning, GMT+8 timezone. XD And then on again at around 11am for a couple of hours.
You can always PM me your contact. :D
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My life, the fanfic.
As most people on my AIM list have probably known for the couple of days, MY LIFE HAS TURNED INTO A FANFIC. Is this like, some kind of occupational hazard? I don't know. There were just so many well-used cliches that I couldn't believe that it was really happening. orz.
On the bright side, my epic meltdown would someday make an excellent scene in a story. On the not-so-bright side, I am now officially totally uncool. Sigh.
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^ This does totally sounds epic, though I'm not sure if it's epic good or epic bad. Tell me, has your life turned into a crack fic or an angst drama?
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^My meltdown was crackfic worthy. As I told Kuji, we're now at a cliffhanger and it could either turn into a Nanchatte Renai or a Destiny Love. Which is...infinitely scary. Lmao.
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Gawd, angst drama/crackfic is bad enough irl, but adding romance, too? But I'll keep my fingers crossed for a Destiny Love for you. *sends you mental energy* :badluck: :prayers:
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Well no matter which way it turns out, I intend to fic-ify it! So if you see any new stories coming from me, you can tell how things went in my life by the mood of the story. :lol:
Does fiction imitate reality or is it the other way round? I feel like I predicted what was going to be happen 2 years ago with Nanchatte Renai. Parts of it anyway. It was eerie rereading it and comparing what happened and what's going on now. XD
It really sucks being Reina.
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Write what you know and know what you write? *pats*
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Given how much of yourself you put into your fics, it's no wonder there's similarity there, Essy. You would tend to write your own reactions into a certain situation anyway.
I hope to god my life does not mimic my art in any damned way.
It really sucks being Reina.
Well, can't help you there. I can only hope your Ai counterpart is worthy enough of her role.
Write what you know and know what you write? *pats*
hmmm... *goes off to reread rndy's fics*. :lol:
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Given how much of yourself you put into your fics, it's no wonder there's similarity there, Essy. You would tend to write your own reactions into a certain situation anyway.
I hope to god my life does not mimic my art in any damned way.
I hope for your sake it doesn't either. Crack might damage real life worse than it does in fiction. :lol:
Well, can't help you there. I can only hope your Ai counterpart is worthy enough of her role.
She's much better than Ai ever was. And I cannot believe I just said that. :lol:
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hmmm... *goes off to reread rndy's fics*. :lol:
I'm not a violent psychopath(much). I just like guns... And sex...
She's much better than Ai ever was. And I cannot believe I just said that. :lol:
Well, then I hope it will be a Destiny Love. :P :wub:
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She's much better than Ai ever was. And I cannot believe I just said that. :lol:
:shocked i can't believe you said that either. this is starting to be essy crack.
but i am chuffed for you. i'd give you a thumbs up, but that would be in bad taste since this is about an actual girl and not fanfic.
( :fap wasn't appropriate either.)
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I've got it bad for her. And I'm getting drunk right now because I'm not quite depressed. The alcohol keeps me calm.
Also, I can't seem to write anything recently. Too much on edge. Let's see if I can do something about it while buzzed on alcohol. Should be interesting to write crackfic while buzzed. XDDDD
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For me, I can never write drunk/buzzed/whatever. I could probably bang my head against the keyboard sober and come out with something more coherent. :lol:
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You may not want to know how much stuff I wrote whilst drunk. There may have been a comment or three, even.
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Don't drink so can't say too much about it but somehow with the crazy schedule between parents and work, something f'd up is always up for grabs, no inspiration but I need to write more weird stuff out of my comfort zone :rofl:
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Alright, different rant this time, not emo. XD
Kind of wanted to rant about Reina's character in fics. It's partially inspired by grac's comment on MSF, where she observed that the convenient route that most writers pigeonhole her into (sadly, including myself sometimes) that staple tsundere character. It's easy to make her that tsundere character because she seems to have invented it herself. XD Besides, it has great comic value even if she isn't the main character.
To be completely honest, I don't read quite as many H!P fics as some of the veteran readers around probably have, mostly because I'm picky and lazy. I get an instinctive sensation of horror when encountering fic I simply cannot read. It's not that I don't want to...it's like a mental block that sends me (figuratively) running away screaming. While possibly pulling out my hair. XD I might be exaggerating on those, but I definitely do get mental screeches of agony when confronted with material that offends my sensibility.
But I digress. Anyway, since I tend to read rokun's work quite frequently, I haven't really found much fault with his portrayal of Reina, since he does give a lot of thought to his favourite MM girl. XD So I'll have to just take grac's word at face value. Which does make sense since when I first wrote Reina in AA, she was the tsundere character. Who had epically bad luck with turtles. And a bad temper. XD Fun times...
There's no doubt that she does have tsundere characteristics. With her aloof nature (not really hanging out with other members outside of work etc), she can easily come off as standoffish, which translates to ficdom's convenient exaggeration of the "tsun" side. Fanfic's all about exaggeration, and certain qualities are just easier (and more fun) to exaggerate. I mean, just look at Sayu's narcissism. I'm pretty sure she's not really that bad IRL, and most fans probably know it too, but it's fun to play it up in fic.
I've been...accused...of being a tad too realistic with my fics. Thanks for telling me Kuji... But I find that I want my characters to be very much believable, so that the readers can forge an emotional connection with them and what they experience. I will also take this opportunity to apologize to everyone for the excessive amounts of sorrow/misery/angst/tragedy that tend to occur in my fics. Doesn't help that I'm a pessimist and tend to take a dour approach to the concept of happy endings. I'm trying very hard to change that, really. I just need to learn to be more optimistic. ^^;
Ok, but yeah, back to Reina. I didn't realize it until recently, and grac definitely helped with her insightful comments, that I do really enjoy writing Reina. She's probably my favourite character to write because she's so complex (Ha, surprised you guys didn't I? everyone would probably have said that Ai was my favourite). My next favourite is probably Sayu, since she's also incredibly complex (if done right). I still want to write a Sayu-as-villain story someday. Maybe that Sherlock Holmes-inspired fic. But that's for another time.
Surprising, isn't it? I would have rounded up with Eri to collect the full set of Rokkies as favourite characters (I never think of Miki as a Rokkie...she's like only nominally one, I tend to associate her with 4th gen if anything else). But for some reason Eri always frightens me. She can be incredibly simple to write...or very very difficult, given my tendency to over-analyse everyone. She's unpredictable, which makes her a good wildcard in any writer's repertoire, and she's funny and crazy to boot, if you want her in crack-y situations. But for some reason Eri unnerves me as a character in a way that none of the Gorokkies have. Don't ask me why. I tend to chalk it up to paranoia and maybe a bit of instinct.
Side note about Ai: She's my favourite MM girl no doubt, but she's such a pain to write that I want to go hit my head against the nearest hard surface repeatedly whenever I'm obliged to think like her. I'm still trying to grope around for the right fit for her personality, since most of my fics are AU and so will affect her differently. I have a core idea of what she's like, but trying to juggle things around to make sure that she makes sense while still appearing credibly herself as a character is challenging to say the least. I admit to idealizing some parts of her at times, but hey, fanfic! I try my best to make sure people really get to know her. The best part about this whole gig is that I seem to be eerily accurate about certain parts of her personality. I mean, I invented emo!Ai before she confirmed it herself on Bijo Houdan (all those years back!). It makes me feel somewhat justified (and has me patting myself on my own back for it, and I don't even have to wrench an arm since mine is long enough!).
Ahem. Back on topic. Reina fascinates me because she's always strikes me as a very proud character. This image is doubly reinforced when I finally got round to watching the Rokkies audition (yeah, I never did watch that, so sue me). She has a great deal of pride, but she will lay it aside if given sufficient motivation. I would say her ambition is even greater than her pride. She seems like the type who would sacrifice almost anything to succeed in her goals. I mean, she even entered the 5th gen auditions despite not making the age cutoff (might have gotten in too, if she hadn't been disqualified, methinks).
But yeah. Pride, ambition. Even when she lays her pride aside to learn, she doesn't grovel. She's not the type. I like her better for that. I always did like the proud ones. XD Sure, most of them get stuck into the "arrogant" category, which I suppose is a fair assessment. But Reina comes by her arrogance honestly. She works hard to maintain an air of superiority. I've always been particularly struck by a couple of comments she has made on both video and her blog, about how she hates to have people see her working hard at something. She doesn't mind letting them know that she did in fact work on something, but she rather not be observed while doing it, I think. It's part of that pride, you know, doing the unglamorous work behind the scenes so she can do stuff well out in public. Maybe it's part of idol training, I wouldn't know. Though given how Japanese TV (or TV in general, really) seems to love embarrassing their celebrities, perhaps not.
Another thing about Reina is how concerned she is about appearance. It could be chalked up to vanity, but I'm not merely talking about physical appearance. She's image-conscious, and very self-aware ---> other members have spoken about that, particularly Sayu and Ai. She knows what she wants, and who she is, very clearly. Sure, she's kinda dumb in that she's not book-smart, but I think academics was never an interest for her. She's not stupid, she just has different priorities. I figure that if Reina had been genuinely interested in school she'd have done pretty well for herself (and never become a celebrity, which would not lead to me micro-analysing her down to her warts...if she has any). Still, the average fan has to concede that she's fairly street smart, even if lacking in practical knowledge about the world. We'll forgive her for thinking that Europe was a country. XD Or that Paris and France are separate countries. XD
So the Reina I have described here is proud, ambitious, self-aware, and more than a little driven. That's a lot more than a simple tsundere description can encapsulate, but it does work as a simplified explanation. After all, she is standoffish because of her pride, and because of her kitten image, the "dere dere" side immediately leaps to mind. I have to admit, a smiling Reina (not that practised stage smile, the smile that Sayu occasionally manages to sneak a shot of sometimes) is like, the most adorable thing ever. It just makes you want to cuddle her. XD Sayu regretfully notes that Reina only ever shows that smile off backstage, when they're with the other members. She even discusses it with Eripon (I think it was Eripon) on her radio show (or was it Kanon? I dunno, one of the Kyukkies), and it led to them concluding that Reina needs to smile like that more often.
Which leads me to another conclusion (which Reina herself often implies in her blog posts): Being an idol is just a job for her. I'm not entirely sure why she wanted to become part of Morning Musume to begin with, but judging from bits and pieces of info from over the years, she 1) wanted to be famous, 2) get close to other famous people, 3) liked being in the limelight and 4) liked to perform. I guess over 9 years in the industry has tempered her considerably, because she simply treats this as a job...and the other girls are simply colleagues. This is true, because you don't see her hanging out with them after work. I mean, she even admits that she has never gone out privately for a meal with Sayu during one concert (or was it a show), which led to a host asking if they're actually friends despite being in the same generation. Ok, if I think about this too much I might actually write a story about this. XD Now you know why I have a seemingly inexhaustible amount of ideas. It comes from thinking too much about the characters of the girls. XD
It might be a rash statement to make, but I advance the theory that Reina doesn't really love Morning Musume as much as, say, Gaki or Sayu. Or even Fukuchan (who is probably THE H!P wota in the group now XD). Reina was never a wota, and never will be. Maybe she does genuinely like them (she admired Maki back in the day). She wanted to be in the group after all. But we have to remember that at the time of her auditioning, Momusu was THE female idol group. If Reina had been asked to choose which group to audition to right now, I think mini-Reina from back then would have gone to AKB. Or maybe not, because AKB is fricking huge and it's hard to stand out of so many girls unless you took some pretty extreme steps to define yourself with a unique character. But Reina was ambitious, and probably still is, and would definitely choose the option that would allow her to stand out best and become popular.
That's not to say that Reina doesn't love the group now. But I can't really tell. There are some parts of her I can never read accurately, so I'm relying on logic and some guesswork. I mean, if you come right down to it, Ai's first choice was Takarazuka, and she was devastated at being too short to ever become an otokoyaku, so if you want to be technical about it, Momusu was her second choice. XD I do sincerely believe that Ai grew to love the group, or more likely, the members that formed the group. She probably views the group as her responsibility, which is why she takes being leader so seriously, even though, well, she doesn't really have to be so serious about it. I mean, both Yossi and Iida were kinda laidback about things, though they did handle everything competently, more or less. Ai is all SRS BIZNESS about it. But that's just the way she is. She takes everything seriously. XD
Of course, this is probably why I tend to not write any of the girls in a real-timeline based fic. Except for one shots, since I can get away with those. XD Reina is too difficult to pair with anyone but a guy if you stuck to the facts. She's like, the very definition of a straight girl (with the occasional exception, which is fun to dissect whenever it happens). XD Since we stalwarts here in JPHiP love our yuri, that's obviously a no-no for the general audience. It's not impossible to pair her with another girl in a real-world-type fic, but it would be a lot more challenging (or you could just maul her character, why not, most people do that anyway).
I took the chicken way out: I put her in a different world, with different backgrounds that would facilitate her to be more receptive to the idea. And well, the writers here in JPHiP have a tendency to follow the Everyone is Gay/Lesbian (I'll be nice and not link to tvtropes, unlike a certain crack dealer...) trope, even myself (or especially myself, but I'm trying hard to make it believable in context).
But well. Reina is never easy to write, but then again, no one is easy to write in my opinion. XD I love how I over-complicate everything and everyone. Which leads to the heavy degree of realism (even in my crack!) in my stories. Ironically I find (exaggerated) Sayu the most fun and relaxing to write. I mean, in MSF, all I have to do is let myself be as narcissistic and offhandedly bitchy in every little way possible and voila! I'm probably mauling Sayu a great deal, but hey, it's all in the name of good fun. Plus she has complexities that don't show immediately. Yes, even there. Did anyone notice?
I could go on forever, but I suppose I must stop somewhere. XD If anyone is interested to hear me rant further, you are welcome to request specific people for me to rant about. XD I'm curious to know what you guys think of my interpretations though, and what else you have observed. I'm open to new ideas, because I'm still formulating my opinion (and revising them whenever something else pops up). That's part of the fun of studying real people. You learn new things all the time, because they don't stay static. XD
And off to bed because I have work in the morning. All this ranting about Reina has given me more insights...hm...how to apply...
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Good lord! ....Feel better now? XD
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Actually, I do. XD I was bored and there wasn't anyone to talk to. And I needed some time to consider the next chapter of MSF, which has a few interesting things that need to be thought through carefully. Writing in Reina's POV isn't always easy. It doesn't come naturally to me, so I have to put myself in the right frame of mind.
And yes, next chapter of MSF is Reina POV. Not much of a spoiler, since I'm not telling you what it's about. :P
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Hmmm, there will be thoughts of Ai in it! :lol:
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I feel frustrated sometimes because while I do get what my characters are about, they are pretty damn stubborn and like to do whatever the hell they want. XD Which kinds of screws with my best laid plans. I mean, MSF took a completely different route from how I imagined it to go, because SOMEONE decided to be spontaneous. But well, it seems to work out well in that direction so I just follow along.
EDIT: Also to add that while I know how a character is THIS or maybe THAT, showing it in narrative is more difficult than it looks. Mostly because I don't like to resort to people commenting directly that a person is "SOMETHING", which is kind of lazy to me because that's just the author directly telling the audience what to think. I tend to take the roundabout way and let every character be entitled to their opinion....which may or may not be correct...and then letting the readers be the judge themselves. XD Sometimes it works, sometimes it has an entirely different effect from what I expected, which is why I like knowing what people think after I write something. It helps me gauge whether I hit my target or not. XD
Lol I must also apologize for the WALLS OF TEXT. I think too hard and write too much. :P
Also, rndy, that isn't even a guess. It's a given. :P No cookie for you!
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essy i actually dont mind your walla of text XD your ways of thinking....eventhough you think its quite complex i wish i could be as descriptive like that XD i mean i over think alot but i can never form the words right...hence why my comments to fics and oneshots are always lame. bad and short ^^; anywho since you talked about requests for cheracter/ppl analisis....yes i just spelt that /said that wrong XD i shall request for gaki~ :3 eventhough you dont like her so much XD plus what you said about being able to read like certian stuff, but at the same time it makes me sad....since you've never commented mine XD oh well i hope one day i can make something to hook you in lol
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Aww waiwai, don't be sad. ^^; I'm just too lazy to go read. Besides, not many people write the kind of stories I like. The only stories I follow currently are rokun's and grac's...and maybe one or two more that I don't remember because they don't update often. XD
I'll do Gaki's analysis when I get home. XD And when I'm free of course. ^^; A bit busy this couple of days, because I'm moving (again!).
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Well, it's not really an analysis, but I wanna hear about Emo!Ai on Bijo Houdan. That show would have been awesome subbed since it was so deep. :farofflook: I never bothered to dl the lot of them since my understanding of Japanese isn't that complex. And probably never will be... :sweatdrop:
I love your walls of text Essy. :wub: :wub:
Also, you made me sweatdrop for reals with your "Everybody is Gay" comment, since I tend to do that a lot. I tried so hard for B&B to have only one couple and not even a single hint of romance, but it kind of ran away with me and now....I (hate it >.<) am totally blocked.
I also think I have a tendency to abuse fiction for my own evil pervy purposes. I can't help it, though every thing turns out like crap later. I really wish I couldn't see sex in every situation...
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^Again, I have to get home in order to rewatch the damn thing. XD I remember bits and pieces, but not enough to give a good summary. So you'll have to let me rewatch in order to refresh my memory. XD
I've written friendship fic, but those are mostly one shot. My mini Duelist saga can tentatively be considered to have no romance, but it's a tossup over there. I find it easy to write story without romance, if I really want to. I specialize in huge plots and character interaction (which doesn't even have to be romantic!). I guess my inner perv is satisfied by pestering rokun to write everything :D Outsourcing is a wonderful thing! :lol:
Also, on the Everybody is Gay phenomenon, I try to avoid it by having a couple of straight people around to balance things. In MSF the token straight characters are tentatively Konkon and Mako. Gaki is married to her job (for now...). And Riho is too young to know anything better (except to avoid pedo!Sayu, which she has been doing XD).
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I decided to do the Bijo Houdan first. :D Well, I'm an Ai fan, so it was to be expected!
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Ai: Is there something you really like about yourself? (or, do you like yourself?)
(Ai commentary: Something like a feeling of confidence? As for myself I never seem to have any confidence in myself, so I thought I'd ask)
Osokawa: This is the first time in my life someone has asked me this. I have never thought about this but...I do like myself. Don't you like yourself?
Ai: I hated the me who just joined (Momusu) the most. When I first joined, I couldn't do anything right, and it was the first time I took a step back and saw myself in a different light, and I suddenly hated what I saw. Even though I've come this far in 8 years and have improved in some ways, I am still unable to accept myself. I still have too much I dislike about myself. I'm quite bad at expressing myself with words, and sometimes I get so frustrated that the tears just come. Even so I tried to hard to get the words out, only the tears would come.
Osokawa: Tears of frustration were very common?
Ai: Even though I know sometimes there were times I just shouldn't cry, I still did. When I first joined with 5th gen, all the senpai had very strong characters and us 5th gen ended up huddling together and crying together. It was like no matter what we did, we couldn't get it right. And we were just so sad and frustrated....even now.
Osokawa: Even now? Oh you mean you still have a lot to learn.
Summary of Osokawa comments for this section: Thinks Ai cries out of frustration so often because she tries so hard and when things don't work out the way she wants, that's why she's so frustrated, and perhaps her aspirations are too high. Says that Aichan should accept what she is already able to do, and not focus on what she is still unable to achieve. She wants to praise this Aichan who keeps on trying so hard.
~*~*~ Discussion about marriage ~*~*~
Ai: About marriage...do you think it's something that we all have to go through? When I was around 13/14, we used to talk among our friends about when we would get married, and we sort of decided that maybe around 23? But I'm 23 now and I still have so much I want to do that I can't even really think about or even imagine it.
Osokawa: Maybe you can't think of it now, but what about the future?
Ai: I think that maybe I might get end up getting married someday, but I don't have any aspirations towards marriage...... *LONG AWKWARD SILENCE*
Osokawa: I think you should get married. (Me: SHUDDAP. XD)
~*~*~ Aichan talks about her family/parents ~*~*~
Ai: My parents are of the same age, and maybe because of that, they fight a lot.
Osokawa: Like friends?
Ai: Yeah, but my dad's always the stronger one.
Osokawa: Well obviously!
Ai: So when I look at my mother, I feel sorry for my mother. And I end up thinking that I want to be the stronger person (even after I get married).
(and then Osokawa preaches to her about being more like a traditional wife. :<)
~*~*~ Ai on being leader ~*~*~
Ai: Well, I'm the leader (of Momusu), but I don't really have a vision of how a leader should be like. Is there some kind of image a leader should project? I've been leader for 2 years, but I've always been worried about it. I keep on watching the previous leaders and trying to learn what to do, or what not to do. I keep thinking how I'm not like a leader at all, with no leadership skills, and I really have to shape up to become a better leader. But I feel like I'm not dependable at all, and I feel like I'm relying on everyone else instead. The other members are always going on about how "aw, there Aichan goes again". I'm always messing up at critical points, but the others always step in to help me out when I need it...instead of being dependable, I'm depending on them instead.
Osokawa: But aren't you quite the fine leader as you are now?
Ai: But I thought that wasn't how it was supposed to be.
Osokawa: But not everyone can't be the same type of leader. You should be a leader the way you are, and not by copying others. There's no need to hold yourself back or become anything other than yourself, and I think a group of girls would prefer your kind of gentle leadership, and would follow you wherever you go. (Me: This is true!)
~*~*~ On dreams! ~*~*~
Ai: Have you achieved your dreams?
Osokawa: My childhood dream was never accomplished, but I've achieved most of the rest (she wanted to go into space as a kid XD). What about you? Do you have any dreams now?
Ai: I want to go abroad to study. Originally I wanted to be in Takarazuka, because I wanted to be on that beautiful stage, to wear those beautiful clothes, and sing those songs, but when I saw the Momusu auditions I ended up going for that. I still really love Takarazuka, and not just that, musicals in general, and I kept on loving those things, then suddenly I got to do a collaboration with Takarazuka as part of Morning Musume, it seems to have even surpassed my own initial dreams. I was able to do all the things I wanted, that it felt like it was too good to be true.
Osokawa: So since you've gotten this far, what's the next step?
Ai: Next step...Broadway? But that's a really big dream isn't it? But I really want to work towards that stage someday.
~*~ skipskipskipskip ~*~*~ XD
Osokawa has a long speech about treasuring the sanctity of life and how humanity, how life, is connected, and that we should treasure ourselves in order to be able to treasure the people around us. That to do anything less than that is to be too selfish, if we can only focus on how depressed we are, or only on our own pain.
(I'm just skimming and picking out the important parts XD)
People are here on earth to be happy. We should be happy merely that we are born, and we are alive. That we should build our own happiness with our own hands.
Humans can't live alone, so we need to help each other out. That to be able to help each other out is one of the greater happiness in the world.
Osokawa tells Aichan to be more positive and be grateful for the things she has, and the people she has around her. And that to work hard and be the best leader of Morning Musume she can be, and to not let down the responsibility given to her.
~*~*~
Osokawa thoughts on Ai: She's a very pure, innocent sort of person. Very honest about her desires. I look forward to how she continues to develop.
Ai's thoughts: That there is worth in simply being alive. That even though everyone has their own complexes/insecurities, if we take a step back and look at things, we realize how small our worries are in comparison. I'll try to remember that in the future.
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Ai isn't so much emo as she simply takes everything too seriously, and is too hard on herself. She sets unrealistic expectations and beats herself up when she falls short, focusing what she failed to achieve rather than what she did manage to achieve. That's why she doesn't like herself, that's why she doesn't have any confidence. She's too critical of herself and the things she has yet to be able to do, to be truly content.
I think now though, she might have adjusted to that. She's stubborn as hell still, so it might still bother her how she has to rely on everyone and isn't a dependable leader (or so she thinks XD). What she doesn't realise is how she is, in fact, relied on, except that she doesn't see it, only seeing when the other members step in to help her when she fumbles her lines or stuff like that. But she seems to have mellowed a great deal, so she isn't quite as stiff and serious-faced about the whole leadership business, even though she constantly worries about everyone. It's kind of obvious. Morning Musume has given her more than she ever imagined, and she does love the group, which is why she is so hard on herself for not living up to the legacy passed down to her.
The part with the marriage discussion amused me. Especially when Ai's conclusion after seeing her mother on the losing side during arguments with her dad is to conclude that she would rather be the stronger one in marriage (interesting, wouldn't you think?). As a fanfic writer it presents such wonderful opportunities. The fact that she cant seem to form any kind of image or vision of what marriage is supposed to be like is interesting. I mean, it's not like she doesn't have a family herself, but it's clear she doesn't subscribe to the typical subservient wife with dominant husband model. :D In yuri goggle world, she just set herself up perfectly to be gay. Seriously lol.
But yeah. This Bijo Houdan episode validated all my emo portrayals of Ai. I'm not sure how I picked it up, but I became a full-time Ai fan somewhere in 2007 when she became leader, and I've always been watching her very closely.She always struck me as incredibly self possessed, yet nervous and awkward, with high standards for herself. This, coupled with being incredibly self-critical, made her easily frustrated and thus open to being depressed about how she just isn't good enough. Then Ai comes along and repeats everything I've already laid out in various one shots. I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad to be correct in this case. It's hard to live like that. She makes life unnecessarily difficult for herself. I feel for her. ;_;
But yeah. XD I understand her pain. Because I'm also too hard on myself and while I don't cry very often, I feel frustrated and angry a lot, and sometimes hurt myself to express that frustration. I felt a kindred soul in her, and I guess that's the real reason why she's my favourite, not just because she sings and dances so well. :) How many people can truly strike that chord with me? And have me care? She does, I do, and that is why I continue to write about her.
It's why I don't think anyone can really surpass her in my sight, unless they can connect to me on an entirely different level...
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I srsly :heart: you, Essy. Not only do you give me a great translation, but also a thoughtful bit of your own insight at the end.
Now I'm really looking forward to your thoughts on Gaki!
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Alright, different rant this time, not emo. XD
Kind of wanted to rant about Reina's character in fics. It's partially inspired by grac's comment on MSF, where she observed that the convenient route that most writers pigeonhole her into (sadly, including myself sometimes) that staple tsundere character. It's easy to make her that tsundere character because she seems to have invented it herself. XD Besides, it has great comic value even if she isn't the main character.
To be completely honest, I don't read quite as many H!P fics as some of the veteran readers around probably have, mostly because I'm picky and lazy. I get an instinctive sensation of horror when encountering fic I simply cannot read. It's not that I don't want to...it's like a mental block that sends me (figuratively) running away screaming. While possibly pulling out my hair. XD I might be exaggerating on those, but I definitely do get mental screeches of agony when confronted with material that offends my sensibility.
But I digress. Anyway, since I tend to read rokun's work quite frequently, I haven't really found much fault with his portrayal of Reina, since he does give a lot of thought to his favourite MM girl. XD So I'll have to just take grac's word at face value. Which does make sense since when I first wrote Reina in AA, she was the tsundere character. Who had epically bad luck with turtles. And a bad temper. XD Fun times...
There's no doubt that she does have tsundere characteristics. With her aloof nature (not really hanging out with other members outside of work etc), she can easily come off as standoffish, which translates to ficdom's convenient exaggeration of the "tsun" side. Fanfic's all about exaggeration, and certain qualities are just easier (and more fun) to exaggerate. I mean, just look at Sayu's narcissism. I'm pretty sure she's not really that bad IRL, and most fans probably know it too, but it's fun to play it up in fic.
I've been...accused...of being a tad too realistic with my fics. Thanks for telling me Kuji... But I find that I want my characters to be very much believable, so that the readers can forge an emotional connection with them and what they experience. I will also take this opportunity to apologize to everyone for the excessive amounts of sorrow/misery/angst/tragedy that tend to occur in my fics. Doesn't help that I'm a pessimist and tend to take a dour approach to the concept of happy endings. I'm trying very hard to change that, really. I just need to learn to be more optimistic. ^^;
Ok, but yeah, back to Reina. I didn't realize it until recently, and grac definitely helped with her insightful comments, that I do really enjoy writing Reina. She's probably my favourite character to write because she's so complex (Ha, surprised you guys didn't I? everyone would probably have said that Ai was my favourite). My next favourite is probably Sayu, since she's also incredibly complex (if done right). I still want to write a Sayu-as-villain story someday. Maybe that Sherlock Holmes-inspired fic. But that's for another time.
Surprising, isn't it? I would have rounded up with Eri to collect the full set of Rokkies as favourite characters (I never think of Miki as a Rokkie...she's like only nominally one, I tend to associate her with 4th gen if anything else). But for some reason Eri always frightens me. She can be incredibly simple to write...or very very difficult, given my tendency to over-analyse everyone. She's unpredictable, which makes her a good wildcard in any writer's repertoire, and she's funny and crazy to boot, if you want her in crack-y situations. But for some reason Eri unnerves me as a character in a way that none of the Gorokkies have. Don't ask me why. I tend to chalk it up to paranoia and maybe a bit of instinct.
Side note about Ai: She's my favourite MM girl no doubt, but she's such a pain to write that I want to go hit my head against the nearest hard surface repeatedly whenever I'm obliged to think like her. I'm still trying to grope around for the right fit for her personality, since most of my fics are AU and so will affect her differently. I have a core idea of what she's like, but trying to juggle things around to make sure that she makes sense while still appearing credibly herself as a character is challenging to say the least. I admit to idealizing some parts of her at times, but hey, fanfic! I try my best to make sure people really get to know her. The best part about this whole gig is that I seem to be eerily accurate about certain parts of her personality. I mean, I invented emo!Ai before she confirmed it herself on Bijo Houdan (all those years back!). It makes me feel somewhat justified (and has me patting myself on my own back for it, and I don't even have to wrench an arm since mine is long enough!).
Ahem. Back on topic. Reina fascinates me because she's always strikes me as a very proud character. This image is doubly reinforced when I finally got round to watching the Rokkies audition (yeah, I never did watch that, so sue me). She has a great deal of pride, but she will lay it aside if given sufficient motivation. I would say her ambition is even greater than her pride. She seems like the type who would sacrifice almost anything to succeed in her goals. I mean, she even entered the 5th gen auditions despite not making the age cutoff (might have gotten in too, if she hadn't been disqualified, methinks).
But yeah. Pride, ambition. Even when she lays her pride aside to learn, she doesn't grovel. She's not the type. I like her better for that. I always did like the proud ones. XD Sure, most of them get stuck into the "arrogant" category, which I suppose is a fair assessment. But Reina comes by her arrogance honestly. She works hard to maintain an air of superiority. I've always been particularly struck by a couple of comments she has made on both video and her blog, about how she hates to have people see her working hard at something. She doesn't mind letting them know that she did in fact work on something, but she rather not be observed while doing it, I think. It's part of that pride, you know, doing the unglamorous work behind the scenes so she can do stuff well out in public. Maybe it's part of idol training, I wouldn't know. Though given how Japanese TV (or TV in general, really) seems to love embarrassing their celebrities, perhaps not.
Another thing about Reina is how concerned she is about appearance. It could be chalked up to vanity, but I'm not merely talking about physical appearance. She's image-conscious, and very self-aware ---> other members have spoken about that, particularly Sayu and Ai. She knows what she wants, and who she is, very clearly. Sure, she's kinda dumb in that she's not book-smart, but I think academics was never an interest for her. She's not stupid, she just has different priorities. I figure that if Reina had been genuinely interested in school she'd have done pretty well for herself (and never become a celebrity, which would not lead to me micro-analysing her down to her warts...if she has any). Still, the average fan has to concede that she's fairly street smart, even if lacking in practical knowledge about the world. We'll forgive her for thinking that Europe was a country. XD Or that Paris and France are separate countries. XD
So the Reina I have described here is proud, ambitious, self-aware, and more than a little driven. That's a lot more than a simple tsundere description can encapsulate, but it does work as a simplified explanation. After all, she is standoffish because of her pride, and because of her kitten image, the "dere dere" side immediately leaps to mind. I have to admit, a smiling Reina (not that practised stage smile, the smile that Sayu occasionally manages to sneak a shot of sometimes) is like, the most adorable thing ever. It just makes you want to cuddle her. XD Sayu regretfully notes that Reina only ever shows that smile off backstage, when they're with the other members. She even discusses it with Eripon (I think it was Eripon) on her radio show (or was it Kanon? I dunno, one of the Kyukkies), and it led to them concluding that Reina needs to smile like that more often.
Which leads me to another conclusion (which Reina herself often implies in her blog posts): Being an idol is just a job for her. I'm not entirely sure why she wanted to become part of Morning Musume to begin with, but judging from bits and pieces of info from over the years, she 1) wanted to be famous, 2) get close to other famous people, 3) liked being in the limelight and 4) liked to perform. I guess over 9 years in the industry has tempered her considerably, because she simply treats this as a job...and the other girls are simply colleagues. This is true, because you don't see her hanging out with them after work. I mean, she even admits that she has never gone out privately for a meal with Sayu during one concert (or was it a show), which led to a host asking if they're actually friends despite being in the same generation. Ok, if I think about this too much I might actually write a story about this. XD Now you know why I have a seemingly inexhaustible amount of ideas. It comes from thinking too much about the characters of the girls. XD
It might be a rash statement to make, but I advance the theory that Reina doesn't really love Morning Musume as much as, say, Gaki or Sayu. Or even Fukuchan (who is probably THE H!P wota in the group now XD). Reina was never a wota, and never will be. Maybe she does genuinely like them (she admired Maki back in the day). She wanted to be in the group after all. But we have to remember that at the time of her auditioning, Momusu was THE female idol group. If Reina had been asked to choose which group to audition to right now, I think mini-Reina from back then would have gone to AKB. Or maybe not, because AKB is fricking huge and it's hard to stand out of so many girls unless you took some pretty extreme steps to define yourself with a unique character. But Reina was ambitious, and probably still is, and would definitely choose the option that would allow her to stand out best and become popular.
That's not to say that Reina doesn't love the group now. But I can't really tell. There are some parts of her I can never read accurately, so I'm relying on logic and some guesswork. I mean, if you come right down to it, Ai's first choice was Takarazuka, and she was devastated at being too short to ever become an otokoyaku, so if you want to be technical about it, Momusu was her second choice. XD I do sincerely believe that Ai grew to love the group, or more likely, the members that formed the group. She probably views the group as her responsibility, which is why she takes being leader so seriously, even though, well, she doesn't really have to be so serious about it. I mean, both Yossi and Iida were kinda laidback about things, though they did handle everything competently, more or less. Ai is all SRS BIZNESS about it. But that's just the way she is. She takes everything seriously. XD
Of course, this is probably why I tend to not write any of the girls in a real-timeline based fic. Except for one shots, since I can get away with those. XD Reina is too difficult to pair with anyone but a guy if you stuck to the facts. She's like, the very definition of a straight girl (with the occasional exception, which is fun to dissect whenever it happens). XD Since we stalwarts here in JPHiP love our yuri, that's obviously a no-no for the general audience. It's not impossible to pair her with another girl in a real-world-type fic, but it would be a lot more challenging (or you could just maul her character, why not, most people do that anyway).
I took the chicken way out: I put her in a different world, with different backgrounds that would facilitate her to be more receptive to the idea. And well, the writers here in JPHiP have a tendency to follow the Everyone is Gay/Lesbian (I'll be nice and not link to tvtropes, unlike a certain crack dealer...) trope, even myself (or especially myself, but I'm trying hard to make it believable in context).
But well. Reina is never easy to write, but then again, no one is easy to write in my opinion. XD I love how I over-complicate everything and everyone. Which leads to the heavy degree of realism (even in my crack!) in my stories. Ironically I find (exaggerated) Sayu the most fun and relaxing to write. I mean, in MSF, all I have to do is let myself be as narcissistic and offhandedly bitchy in every little way possible and voila! I'm probably mauling Sayu a great deal, but hey, it's all in the name of good fun. Plus she has complexities that don't show immediately. Yes, even there. Did anyone notice?
I could go on forever, but I suppose I must stop somewhere. XD If anyone is interested to hear me rant further, you are welcome to request specific people for me to rant about. XD I'm curious to know what you guys think of my interpretations though, and what else you have observed. I'm open to new ideas, because I'm still formulating my opinion (and revising them whenever something else pops up). That's part of the fun of studying real people. You learn new things all the time, because they don't stay static. XD
And off to bed because I have work in the morning. All this ranting about Reina has given me more insights...hm...how to apply...
Phew. Wow. I did enjoy this, as Reina is one of my favourite members, and when you have anything to write about Reina (and rokun~) it's always a must-read for me :D
I rarely visit this part of the fanfic forum, so only I came across this today, but hey. I was only a week or so behind XD
I agree with many of the points you have made about Reina in your eloquent analysis :D
Though, I think the tsundere character came more from the gap of character, that you point out, Reina often portrays rather than her own invention, a lapse between her proud, haughty(?) image and her soft, pet-like image she often plays on. It is such a strong contrast, that it is now established as a characteristic that has become a description of Reina as a character, IMO. Plus, how she is supposedly warm-hearted and very caring that betrays her cold exterior XD
I always wished Reina could be a bit more relaxed and be more at ease. Mainly because I used to get so sick of reading how she is the odd one out in the group, how she doesn't seem to mix in as well etc.
I guess it could be a good quality, to be so proud and sure of oneself. I remember Aichan talking about this quality of Reina as a point she is envious of, of how Reina could be so sure of herself and how she is could be very straightforward about it.
Speaking of Aichan, this could just be my own observations, but Aichan seems to have a nullifying effect on Reina. I just find Reina to be a bit different when she is around Aichan (I know I made this comment in your fics before) which is very endearing. And that Reina has pride in their partnership(?) as the two main frontgirls. Reina seems to be feeling the pressure of the gap left behind from Aichan's graduation, and she is very disappointed in losing Aichan as someone she was able to trust in the group (from the hotexpress interview Aichan, Sayu and Riho did; apparently Reina quietly bemoaned Aichan's graduation when Aichan wasn't around, which led Sayu to think this is probably how Reina honestly feels).
I do think Reina is smart, or at least is quick-minded. It does make me cringe when she openly exposes her lack of general knowledge ^^; but as you say, she never seemed to have been interested in school. Again, here is an example of how sure Reina is of herself, that she didn't feel the need to continue her education beyond what was compulsory once she graduated from junior high school. From what I observed over the years, if Reina put her mind to do something she would do it well. She is the quickest to learn their dance moves for a new single (doesn't necessarily mean she is the best dancer ^^; ), she has a fair talent in drawing and illustrations (the other members felt their portraits would be safe if it was in the hands of Reina XD), her stab at voice acting wasn't all that bad, and of course, she is vocally talented. I always wanted to see songs written by members themselves, just as a measurement of the extent of their musical talents, particularly Aichan and Reina. It would be interesting to see what kind of music would be produced if songs were written by them, or just to see how capable they could be.
Though, I slightly disagree with the paragraph of how she simply views MM as a job. Sure, I would agree she probably doesn't love the group like Gaki or Sayu does, but like Aichan I feel she has developed a sense of responsibility of what it means to belong to Morning Musume, and being part of its history. Reina is very proud of her fellow Rokkies, and while she may not maintain the closest ties to Sayu and Eri, she places huge significance on the three of them together being the 6th generation of Morning Musume from their audition, and treasures their bond of having gone through the highs and lows together right from the beginning.
This could just be me, but I always found Aichan and Reina to be so similar yet so different, which is what made me pay attention to this pairing in the first place. They were both touted as the ace of their respective generations, they both seem to hold an air of aloofness, they are both very serious when it comes to work and especially music....but they are so different in how Reina is so feisty while Aichan is more reserved, and their interests couldn't be more distinct from each other (in terms of fashion, music and so on).
I guess I should stop now, I'm losing track of what I'm saying :lol:
I almost feel like I shouldn't be posting here because I'm not a fic writer ^^;
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Don't worry aussie, your input is always appreciated! As a fan and a reader, I'm sure you've picked up enough impressions to form an opinion too! We all have a right to our opinions. :) You don't have to be a writer in order to post here. ;) XD
Also, I enjoy your ReinAi-ist view of things. :lol: I was sort of cynical while typing up that Reina analysis, and I guess it shows in my pessimistic predictions. Reina is a lot more introverted than she appears to be. Sure she can be straightforward and sure about herself, and she often portrays herself as outgoing, but if you pay attention to her blog, there is a higher incidence of her keeping to herself and the majority of her trips out are usually made with family. I'm guessing she's a very private person, and only lets her guard down around the people she are really familiar with.
It reminds me of a blog post where she said how after not seeing the other members for an extended period of time, she felt all awkward and even a little shy about talking to them again, because it felt strange. That incident said a lot to me, because it shows that Reina is very conscious about her interactions with others, and is very sensitive and observant to things. The fact that she seems kind of aloof is usually just a sign of her hanging back to get a gauge on things. The fact that she felt so awkward around the other members after not seeing them for a while speaks of how insecure she actually is with other people. She might be confident about herself, but I'm not so sure if she's confident with others. XD She might put up that facade, but she only gets comfortable after being assured that she's on good terms with them, usually by observing how they react to her, I bet.
About how Aichan and Reina are similar, I have to agree. XD They are both so very serious about their work. If you watched the latest HaroPro time with Sayu-cam on the set of Only You, Sayu was talking about how they had to be veeeeerrrry quiet when looking in on Reina doing her photoshoot, because Reina actually gets pissed off if people interrupt her concentration in any way. So Sayu sneaks in, and even though she is very quiet, Reina was like "I can see you clearly, Sayu" without a change in her expression as she continues posing. :lol: Reina's terribly sensitive, whereas someone like Aichan is more...oblivious. XD They're both serious, but Reina is more aware of her surroundings. Aichan is so often looking inwards on her own performance that she can be blind to whatever's going on around her. So that's one of their similar-yet-different things. Reina focuses on how things and people relate TO her, Aichan works on how SHE can change to relate to others. Interesting, no?
I also get the feeling that Reina really does respect Aichan, because as you've pointed out, Reina takes her work seriously, and Sayu has said how Reina scolded her for not doing things properly. Aichan might be the slowest at picking things up, but you don't hear any stories about Reina getting pissed off at Aichan for that --- then again, it could have happened but Aichan would never mention it, because she probably felt like she deserved it, knowing her. :lol: As you said, they're both the front girls, and they more than likely have to coordinate more together, and take the responsibility of being front and center all the time. I always like how Reina (and also Gaki) always have to watch out for their oblivious leader, like in that one Music Fighter episode where they were on promoting Kimagure Princess, and Aichan stood up to show how their pants had holes in them, and when she turned, her butt was facing the male host and Reina immediately reached out to cover for her and was like "they can see it!" because Aichan had like, what, two holes right over her butt cheek. :lol: I always found that moment cute over how protective (and observant) Reina is over the others (or rather, Aichan in particular, since Aichan just blunders into things all the time XD).
I get the feeling that Reina is attached to Morning Musume the same way Aichan is. They both grew to love it in their own way, though neither of them were wota to begin with (unlike Gaki, Sayu, Eripon, or Fukuchan). I'm sure they both feel responsible for the group, even more so as the face of the group. I'm just not sure how to define her relationships with the rest, since we just don't hear about her going out with the others on a private basis that much, though there was a time where she went out with Aika very often, for example. I mean, TakaGaki goes out together, Aika goes out with Aichan for movies and meals, assorted members of 9th gen head out together (Eripon and Kanon went to a buffet together XD), and Sayu goes out with either Aichan or even Gaki on some occasions. Hell, Sayu still goes out with Eri (though sadly, there are no pics :/). Reina usually stays home when she has no work, and when she heads out, it's with her mother or her brother. She does go out on her own occasionally, but she has said that she doesn't like that (and commented over how she envies Aichan on how independent she is about heading out and meeting new people). So, in the end, there is a possibility that instead of Reina being the outgoing one, she's actually a lot shyer to begin with? XD I'm sure she gets outgoing once she familiarizes herself with new people, but to begin with...well, Aichan is equally awkward, but somehow she still ends up going out anyway. XD Someone just has to help Reina make that first step, otherwise she'll just stick to people she already knows lol.
But yeah, that's kind of what continually fascinates me about ReinAi. How they're just so different, yet so similar at the same time. They are more compatible than we think, though there are huge potentials for conflict as usual. I mean, there is bound to be friction between two people, once you get past the honeymoon period. XD Most people tend to forget that lol. I might be a realist (or a pessimist), but I really do like things to be down to earth (even if I get flights of fancy sometimes). I rather have a couple who knows how to weather the storms in their relationships rather than one who just coasts through everything because they are perfect in every way for each other (and there is no such thing XD).
And yes, I'm starting to rant too. ^^; I do love my ReinAi, even if SOME people *coughrokuncough* like to make me depressed over them. There are some things I just can't forgive in a relationship, and well, perhaps I shouldn't keep applying my own standards to my characters, but there has to be lines drawn somewhere. I rather they break up if they cross certain lines, because let's put it this way, if you force that happy ending, it feels like it trivializes the whole conflict and the problem doesn't feel properly resolved. I'm picky about things like that, because unless the conflict is properly resolved, the happy ending just isn't happy enough. I rather take a longer time to fix the problem from the roots than just apply a slap-patch over it and pretend that everything's fine and dandy. Because, y'know, things don't work like that.
So I'm a pessimist, which makes my stories grimly real. Well, I hope they are. There might not be anything special about my writing, but I like to feel like I've done justice to myself and what I've created. A certain responsibility, you know, to your own creations. There's just so much more I feel like I could do, but am still unable to, because I feel like I've reached a plateau in my writing and nothing seems to improve. I really need to do something. I don't know. Take classes maybe. The people around me are incapable of helping me. I need help. I need people to be genuinely interested in what I write, but I don't know how to make them care, because if my writing isn't compelling enough on its own, then clearly I'm not doing it right.
I feel so lost somehow. Haha. Praise might be nice, but what I really need is....questions. People who genuinely care about what I write and ask the difficult things, forcing me to think on my feet and make my story that much better. kitaoji I miss you! we need to talk more often!
But I have to work with what I have. Reality sucks, but hey, it could be worse. At least there are people who are willing to tell me I suck. But y'know, it's not just enough to tell me I suck. So I have a problem. I need solutions. There's not much point in repeating a problem without providing a solution, or at least, helping to point in the right direction of one. If I can't help someone provide a solution, I rather not discuss the problem unless they aren't even aware of it themselves. That's provided I care enough to discuss the problem, of course. XD I can usually work around problems...except my own.
Hmm, need to think what I can do...
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I am so frustrated.
Nothing remotely original or interesting comes from me. I'm just a pretentious hack with delusions of grandeur. I know nothing, and I don't even have a voice of my own. I only pretend to write, borrowing the creative genius of those I've read, and come up with nothing that is mine. I despise myself. >_<
I'm worth nothing if I cannot be. I hate the things I do to survive, and have no dreams, no ambition for more. I hate this life of mine, not daring to dream, not even knowing what to dream of. How I envy those who know what they want, those with the courage to dream, to work towards those dreams; whilst I cower, fearful of myself, fearful of the future, unable to conceive of anything beyond the immediate and the present.
What am I? I don't know. I can't even look in a mirror without being filled with loathing. I see nothing in there. Useless.
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I really feel the same way about my self more often than not. All of my dreams are selfish wishes. I really have no talent at all, nothing I can even be remotely good at, and I'm just constantly drifting through life from paycheck to paycheck, looking for a way out. My only solace is in writing and music, of which I have no talent for either, but can easily lose myself in. It's hard to stay positive at all.
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*huggles both essy and rndy* gah~ dont feel down you two!!! i know its not much comming from me but you guys are two of the best writers i know! i can understand that life's pretty sucky right now but dont feel too down over it! it might be hard to try to get back up but staying depressed and being sad wont help! i'm probably worse of from both of you being younger and having like no social life what so ever doesnt really help with ideas and such in genneral. i get most of my ideas from songs and pvs(mostly akb atm but that doesnt matter right now lol) and i kinda wish i could be more original but i cant. with the stuff i write i barely know about it. i've never been in a relationship, or a date, and i wish that i kinda knew more about life in general but with how things are in life right now i probably wont get to do anything for a good while. i overthink stuff, which is probably the reason why i'm stuck on so much stuff and i loose my modivation to write so quickly lately due to just being at home all of the time.
idk if it sounds like im being a silly/nive person about it but no matter what you guys are by far the best of the best here to me, no matter what you two think XD...i feel like i made no sense in that huge bunch of words just now but idk any other way how to put it :sweatdrop:
and rndy knows i'll always be there to cheer/nagg her on XD i cant let my master go sad on me! >3<
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Well, in reality it is close to impossible to be original because many things have already been done in literature. That's something that I've accepted, but that doesn't stop me from writing. It shouldn't stop you either Estera and you too Rnd. The only thing that now can be done is putting a different spin on what you make. When people write it's almost as if...they're talking and everyone has a distinct voice, everyone has a distinct way of writing. That's what also makes the story different.
I know that people always aim to be original. That's something that's always talked about and pushed upon people here in America, to be original, to be an individual. I try to aim for that too, but what I find the most happiest with me is when I write and I'm able to set goals for myself and just try to make my stories feel realistic rather than it be original. Every genre has been done, every style of writing has been done, but that didn't stop some of the best writers we have now. Stephen King for example, he's a very good with horror, and before that was invented Edger Allen Poe was the creator of it. He originated it, but that didn't stop Stephen King from writing and making enjoyable horror books that everyone loves. He put his own spin on it and his own dream was to be a writer I'm sure. It wasn't easy of course, but he still did what he loved as should everyone else do.
Estrea, you mention having dreams, any dream is worth giving a try to see what happens. My own dream is to become a manga artist and I know how difficult that is and I'm aware that my drawing skills are not that great yet, but I still try. I still want to try and make a manga. I love to draw. It what's I like to do and it keeps me calm when I draw. It's almost like I'm meditating and because of that I want to keep that dream. I want to keep it just because it's something I love. Isn't a dream itself basically something you love? That's what fuels them and keeps them going. It's like a personal goal and goals help people going. Maybe you should find a simple goal too and don't put too much high expectations into them? That might help.
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meeh. why? why did i click on this thread first to catch up on my 2-page list? now i want to go :mon cry:
will it suffice if my only comment for all of this angst is: 'take it easy- life gets better past 28'*?
Regarding the writing thing- to look at this with simplicity, nothing we write will ever be original- that is the very essence of fanfic itself. there's no point pretending that being a fanfic writer is anything other than just a bunch of fans (with differing levels of talent and imagination) writing about something they love. there is no need for pulitzer-level skills or original ideas for the next cannes award. we write, good or bad, original or not, and we love it.
It is very admirable to want to strive to better yourself- i hope you find your muse and a way to resolve your frustrations with life. I find that time is always the best solution. Nothing wrong with despairing either- that is your prerogative as an artist (and a twenty-something). Angst was my favorite form of self-indulgence and the best muse ever. I have a pile of embarrassing poetry to show for it (not that it will ever see the light of day).
I may not know all of you, but I can say with every confidence that if you care enough about your craft and you have enough passion for it- essy, rndy, waiwai and junkie- you can only get BETTER at whatever you do. Level of talent is no match for sheer hard work.
*source:personal experience
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*grumbles about getting so few comments*
I guess that's what I get for disappearing for so long.
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*grumbles about getting so few comments*
I guess that's what I get for disappearing for so long.
*huggles* Then the obvious solution is to get back in here. :P
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eventhough i was away on vacation and didnt write for 3 weeks i still havent been really all that motivated to write. like i did open word today the 1st time i've been back but like after a few senteces i felt like it sucked 20times more than before resulting me on just closing the file. like i have so many ideas in my haed but the motivation to get it out and express it into words is so hard ;3;
plus it seems like the fanfic threads bith normal and pervy are like in a drought. i guess it has to do with school and work starting again but still it feels more empty than usual :cry: i know that hopefuly with some good chapters or oneshots that my juices will get flowing again.
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I can relate. It's very frustrating. I sometimes don't write for weeks or for months because of that, but from what I realized. What helps me write more is if I have someone to bounce off ideas with and not just someone who says things like: "Oh, don't worry you'll get it."
That doesn't do anything for me. The ability to write again is when someone can add to the fic like give suggestions and from there I change it and sprout my own ideas. I need to speak to someone that is very active. That might help you too Kawaii. Then just write down some notes if you rather have notes and once you feel that you have enough, just write. It's best if you don't think about it. That's what I do. I just write and don't look back until the spark is gone. Then I just carefully go over what I wrote and add more to it. That has helped me a lot. It's just best to write and not think about what you're making just yet. Every idea you have just throw it on the paper.
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i do have a few ppl (mostly rndy lol) but sometimes i still have that "gah this sucks" thought with no matter what i write ^^; it just surprises me when people call me the "quean of fluf" or say that my writing's so "realistic" when i've never really even had that experience lol. i'm sure there is quite a few people who are in teh same boat as me for teh experience department but i still feel like idk it would never happen to me, or that i'm not writing it right D: idk if i'm making sense anymore XD
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I have just been Josh-ed!
In my current fan fic in the third season I am going to be bringing in Mano Erina doing a character from Kamen Rider Deno.
I just found out that Mano is going to be in the next Kamen Rider movie as Kamen Rider Nadeshiko (and will be the first female Kamen Rider).
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i serously want translations to the 12 smart album :panic: i know most of them would give me huge ideas lol especially that takagki duet~ :deco: its sound of fluff, along with the sayumizupon duet ^^; i need some insperation, eventhough im writing up something now lol
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Back to the rant hole after a long absence.
I'm writing again, but there's a familiar sense of isolation and helpless frustration. Not because the writing isn't going well (it is going, and well at that XD). There's the towering frustration of knowing, just KNOWING, that all the research, all the thematic expressions, all that MEANING, in the story is just going to be overlooked by enthusiastic shippers who are just in reading for the sake of their ship. I'm not dissing shippers, no. I'm a shipper myself, and I admit that a pairing has a great impact of my choice to read certain stories. There are rare exceptions where I actually read a story despite it having a pairing I dislike, because the story was just that good. Because it was worth it, and that's a compliment to the skill of the writer. But most of the time I tend to stick to the pairings I like, because that's what fanfics are all about.
And I'm not complaining about that. It's just that...for me, pairing alone isn't enough. I'm honest enough with myself to know that while I enjoy romantic plots/subplots/wholedamnstory, I want it to be...y'know, meaningful. To have some kind of purpose. Not just "yay I like you, you like me, let's make out and live happily ever after...after we angst and have issues and break up and make up half a dozen times in between as character development". Admittedly though, Nanchatte Renai follows that setup. And I won't apologize for that. I like that type of story, but I don't want to only read that...or write that.
I miss writing epics. I should get back to my ongoing work, like Gegenschein. Or even Nocturne. I could finish Nocturne. I already did the epilogue. I know how it will end. Lol. But the thing is...I've moved on from fantasy. I seemed to have advanced to science fiction. Military science fiction, to be honest. I read historical epics of conquerors and military history and non-fiction. My taste has changed, and it reflects in the things I want to write. I have things I want to say, insights I want to share...but it feels like a waste. A damn waste, because it's like throwing diamonds at poultry. It's just shiny rock. It means nothing. Is worth nothing.
Times like these makes me want to give up fanfic altogether. I should really focus on writing real stories, and work to get myself published. Annoyed. Too arrogant, not good enough, I'll never get anywhere. Why do I bother. Ugh.
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^
well essy if it helps i think you putting so much effort isnt a waste. there's always going to be some ppl who will only read just cus its a pairing and others that will for what's behind it as well as a mixture of both^^ for me i know that there's a bunch of stuff that i dont notice when i read a story mostly cus im either in a rush cus of life or just cus i dont really see it. other times it takes another person's comment for me to notice what i missed and i go back and re-read it again and a whole new meaning wakes up in me than what i 1st thought. i kinda felt the same way with one of my oneshots. i had put so much effort into it and i had a feeling that EVERYONE would see the little hints i set up to make it all mesh together but ofcourse some didnt notice and some did^^; i felt a bit sad over it but it made me realize that everyone will see and read the fics we put up difrently.
and though i totally agree that you should continue (and finish so my heart can be eternally happy lol) with gegenschein and or nocturne its understandable if your not into fantasy all we can do is hope or wait that you will go back to it and be interested again^^ and this might seem like a silly complement but to me whatever and anything you write is epic. you could put your own twist on the phonebook and i'll read it! XD and you are good enough, no matter what! it makes sense that we have our deperssed moments but we have to get out of that rut eventually^^ :deco:
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^^Dude, I would so want to read a military scifi story from you. Holy crap, I'm drooling just thinking about it!
Yeah, I can see your stress about shippers, but there will always be a few who are like you and enjoy a well written story. Granted, I used to be one of those shippers... But I think I've mature quite a bit since AA.
Whatever you write, though, I'm sure will be awesome, since I've come to expect no less from your perfectionist ways. XD
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I apologize in advance for the terrible writing of text. I write badly, but there are no problems with reading. I would like to say a few words to support you. I do not know does it help. Well...
I perfectly understand your feelings, your desires. Yes, interesting story it is good, favorite pairing it is good too. But if not what else, besides this, the story is hardly long be remembered. Your stories have this that the something else. It makes not just read another chapter, but more than once return to her, thinking.
I do not want to offend anyone... Yes, this is your story and your right to do with it whatever you want. Adapt to the reader may be well , but above all you must do what you like. Writing primarily should bring pleasure to the author, imho.
Maybe you should play with familiar images, adjust them to you at the desired reality, the era or genre... try something new, practice before making a final decision. I think it's a good place to polish their ideas to put them in something else. Stupid idea? ^^
Mood changes, maybe tomorrow everything will appear in a different light.
I have a lot more different thoughts are about this, but I'm not sure I could write them in English. Sorry.
P.S.: And yes, you are to blame for what I has become your a constant reader.
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Estrea, I'm not going to lie. There are readers who only read fics because of the pairing and that's all that matters to them. I'm pretty sure a large part of the fanfiction fandom is made up of those readers. But, they still are not what makes up the entire fanfiction fanbase, while I'm partly interested in pairings, I really do appreciate great writing. I may not show it, being that comments are a bit awkward to me and so I don't comment that much, but I really do enjoy fics that put so much time into detail. I notice the small details first actually, even if that doesn't show it's what catches my eye first. So don't think that there are people who don't care about that extra work you put into a fic because there are people out there.
You've mentioned that you want to try a military theme? I've always loved that as a kid. I like to mix that with the scifi genre. I think they go well together and I would like to see that from you. I think it will be cool. I'm also going to encourage you to write your own stories as well. I used to do that as a child as well and it was so much fun, of course I didn't see it as my way to get published, but I still liked having my own world to make. Why don't you give that a try as well and see if you like that more? There's nothing wrong with that either.
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Hey guys, thanks all for the encouraging comments. I was having a really crappy night before and I guess I just felt hopeless and needed to lash out. >_< Sorry...
I am writing a military themed story at the moment. Lmao. I even bought a book to research and stuff (because I'm a geek like that). I also have an awesome world idea with a futuristic/gritty kind of setting that I thought of one rainy night while thinking about radios. Lmao. I might show up soon with something fascinating once I get my act together -- currently all I have are characterizations and plot points scattered everywhere and I haven't put them together. This will be a fic...though the fanfic aspect allows me to explore a dimension (and intriguing challenges) of having a mostly female cast even though the world tends to be male dominated. So there might be some sociological aspects on top of the psychology and action of military science fiction. XD
I'm thankful to have readers at all, really. Thanks for being so patient with me even when I have major hissy fits, even when I take super long to update, when I ditch stories by the wayside because I'm too whimsical, and I'm glad that I was able to really develop as a writer here. :) I wouldn't have gotten much of anywhere if you guys hadn't supported me with your thoughtful comments. It helps that I can bring some small measure of joy with my writing too (and tears XD). Hehe. Thanks everyone!
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I feel a bit awkward jumping in this conversation, but I must admit I am an ardent reader of your stories, Essy :)
When I read fanfics, yes I do care a lot about which pairings are featured and my interest in a story may be piqued more simply because my favourite pairing(s) is/are featured, but I also look at the genre and story itself. Even if a story features my favourite pairing, if the setting isn't what I'm usually interested in (for example, I'm not a huge fan of fantasy or sci-fi), or if the plot loses its flow and the story falls apart altogether, I tend to stop reading.
But even if a story features a pairing I'm not usually so keen on, if it gets me hooked I would read it and appreciate the good writing, and then begrudge a thought why one of my pairings couldn't be involved in such an excellent storyline :lol: Or even if it is set in a genre I would normally skip I could get hooked by one small detail to keep me going and find myself pleasantly surprised to be reading and enjoying a story I didn't expect. And that would be a reflection of how much I managed to enjoy the story, purely thanks to the strength of the writer's ability, and I would have found myself a writer to keep an eye out for regardless of pairing/genre etc, and trust the writing, so that I would be willing to give any story written by that writer a try.
It saddens me to see some of my 'favourite' writers, so to speak, stopped writing (mostly because their fandom drizzled away and their interests moved on, which is fair enough) and I often go back to read their old stories which brings back a sense of nostalgia.
I'm glad you continue to write, Essy (since you said it was ok for me to call you this :D), even after a long break, and you even surprise us by adding a bonus chapter to fic which was considered to have been concluded. It's always refreshing to read your stories, and I look forward to your updates, and while I did say sci-fi isn't one of my favourite genres I do have a weakness for epics, so I can't wait till you're prepared to roll out what you're planning :)
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I want to briefly respond to your earlier post regarding shippers, Estrea - even though it seems like your frustration has eased a bit. I feel a bit responsible given my comments in regards to your latest work.
I was mostly stoked that you were even writing a certain pair at all (and very well, at that), so that is where my comments gravitated. I will continue to follow your fic regardless of you who decide to ultimately feature, however, because I think your writing is excellent and I'm really digging getting to read some decent content. I'm really hungry for something with depth in the AKB48 arena.
Your kind of writing is going to appeal to a different crowd than the instant gratification shipper fluff fics- and yeah, it will be their fault if they over look your fic due to the lack of pairing they are interested in. I just wanted to reassure you that your efforts are not going completely to waste.
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I think I am hitting a snag with the fics, I am writing, I cannot seem to get anything straightened out anything, but I guess I feel that the time issue has been playing a key. The, I feel that it has snowballed to some other stuff and just trying to place the pieces together as it once was before, then the feeling is that I am trying too hard in forcing out stuff that for the many times I read it over, I feel less confident in putting it out that I have trashed so much paper over a period of time. I even have thought of just forgetting about writing chaptered fics, to concentrate on certain other aspects that I haven't had a hard time doing but less gratification in doing so
I do want to get a critique by anyone who is willing to help, just to get the ball rolling, because the time issue I can fix but the writing I feel has become crappier the more I try to get to the point of improvement
I know it is not a rant but it seems to weigh on me lately :nervous
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^ I actually like your premises and the situations you seem to churn out of nowhere with such ease. Perhaps its hard getting into your fics because the characterizations can get a little tenuous- its a quite different from the personalities we already know and love. But at the end of the day, there's no hard and fast rule with fanfic, right? You can make em be whatever you want- that's the beauty of fanfic.
Sorry, nothing helpful from me. :( I'm in a bigger snag than you seem to be in.
I miss living here. Just came by to say that.
RL sucks balls.
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^ you are right about it, but that won't change because I am set that way but thank you for your reply
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Probably a semi-wrong thread to post in, but it's still writing related, so into the rant hole it comes!
The common logic out there is that we are influenced by what we read. Hell, what we write tend to be heavily influenced by what we're into, or what we're feeling, at any point in time. But I have this really weird situation going on within myself. It's like this really weird dynamic going on within my psyche and what actually manifests in my writing.
The short version: I'm actually feeling self destructive and nihilistic to the core, but look at what I'm updating. MSF. The story on crack. And I'm not angsting it up like Nanchatte Renai. I mean, what the hell? How does that even work? And I still am fully committed to giving it the happy (if crazy) ending it deserves. Despite all the pent up negativity caged inside, I wake up every day smiling and laughing and fully determined to be as crazy as possible. Because I might be insane. Yes. That might be it.
But I have no words for the cognitive dissonance this is causing me. I feel somewhat unhinged by the extremes in emotion that are coexisting simultaneously within my mind. Together. At the same time. What the hell. I don't give a shit about anything or anyone, but damn if I let myself be emo. Lmao. I must laugh, I will laugh. That's it, Essy is officially mad. :lol:
I'm finding all of this hysterically funny, and I'm not even sure why. I don't want to hurt myself with a story like NR again. That was BAD on an epic scale. I cut myself so deeply with the original events that it took me TWO FUCKING YEARS to recover enough to give it the happy ending I wanted when I first started out. Yeah, didn't you know NR was meant to have a happy ending? Until I went batshit insane and fucked everything up. Lmfao. This is nuts.
On a slightly unrelated side note, I've been reading a dark Russian fantasy series. The Watch trilogy, starting with Night Watch. The movie is hilarious, the book considerably less so. But the book appeals to my senses a great deal more. Anyone who wants to see a Utilitarian morality playing out like it's supposed to should go read this book. Immediately.
The Light must deceive with beautiful lies, while all the Dark has to do is lay out the harsh truth. I cannot sufficiently express how much I love this line. And it can be taken out of context so beautifully! It cannot be appreciated until you read it.
And I conclude with this:
I believe. I stand tall and embrace the Dark, but I believe. I acknowledge that humans are capable of great evil, but I believe. There is no good nor sense nor reason to this chaotic world, but I believe. There is no purpose or meaning to life, but still I believe. I will not sacrifice myself, nor will I subordinate myself, and yet I believe. I want my freedom, and I give you yours. I believe that you will live as you will. I do not think you will let me live as I am, but still I believe. If that makes me a fool, then so be it. Because to believe is to live. Be, and live.
That is all.
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I will rant… rant because it’s the only way… I’ll be honest and say that I’ve been trying to word out the reason for this rant for about an hour and the words are gone from my mind. What I write lacks life…period. It lacks a reason for being written and most of all it’s a ghostly manifestation of the soulless being which thinks of said things to write. It’s lacking…lacking more than actually showing and that ephemeral ray of inspiration that tries to liven up my writing is just that: ephemeral… if not: non-existent.
This marks the realization point; the point that proves: that all the unfinished works that have made up most of my life are certainly that: unfinished.
A plethora of unfinished work that has been gathering along the years waiting for the right time to come crashing down and destroy everything that lies below. But strangely I feel ready… ready to witness said destruction that is sure to come since by now; fear has left alongside hope and I’m left here once again to witness everything that surrounds me. Studying and observing, yet never once creating. That is the fate the universe has bestowed me; the fate of the historian who beholds history in the making yet rarely creates a history of their own. But these rare times when I can create: I will because history has never given up.
But for now, I will rant. Rant because to be heard is the double edged knife that we witnesses must carry every day. Rant because there is no because. And there is no because since because is always unfinished: a question never answered as a result of never being asked and never being asked as a result of thoughts that were created yet never developed. 300
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Reply will be short since I'm on my phone and on a vacation.
It will get better. There were times in my life where there was no discernable future, no purpose, no meaning in the things I was doing or the life I was leading. It's part of why I write, or suddenly stop writing at times. Why do I write? Because there is something to be said. I guess you understand that well enough. It is enough to know that despite your status as Watcher you continue to have some small faith. You will not be beaten. And I am the same, standing in my small corner of the world.
Just remember, amidst all the pain and despair and suffering released by Pandora's box, the last small voice at the bottom was Hope. :) ganbare! There is always a tomorrow, and as we still must live as we are until the day we die. So never give up! We're all in this together. :)
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I just thought I would get something off my chest. (Remember, it's just my opinion.)
I don't approve of the way that h!p fanfiction writers abuse the word "Canon".
Canon does not mean "I found a clip online of member A and member B exchanging glances so AB is Canon."
Canon does not mean "Member A provided some provocative fan service in a concert with member B so AB is Canon."
Canon does not mean "Member A talks about member B all the time in her blog so AB is Canon."
Canon is when member A and member B appear together on the cover of some lesbian magazine, or if H!P announces that member A and member B are in a relationship (don't hold your breath).
Canon (which does not even have to be truthful) is something that is verified by official sources. For example, if you went to a h!p representative and asked them "Were Iida Karoi and Abe Natsumi once roommates?" the representative would be happy to tell you that they were, when they first moved to Tokyo.
On the other hand, some magazine like Friday is NOT an official source so just because something is in Friday doesn't make it Canon.
I wish that people would use "better" terminology. For example, maybe "well documented" for pairings that people feel there is a lot of "evidence" for, "thinly documented" for pairings that there doesn't seem to be much "evidence" for, and "crack" for parings that people feel there is a lot of evidence to the contrary, or pairings that people feel have no evidence at all supporting it.
There could also be an alternate term for a pairing describing it's popularity, such as "popular, not followed, and unpopular".
For example: "On a particular website, the pairing GakiKame was unpopular even though it is well documented because it clashed with another well documented pairing (TakaGaki) that was popular."
Now, again, this is just my opinion. On the other hand, if people have better terms to use I would be happy to hear them.
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Lol I understand your frustration. The only time anything can be legitimately claimed as canon is in drama or anything that isn't real life. Real people fiction (or RPF) treads a murky line in that we are dealing with real people here so unless they come out and tell us they are dating so and so, nothing is for real. Part of why I prefer to write them into crazy AUs so they're basically acting in an idol drama, just on paper. (for real world counterpart to this line of thinking, please see Suugaku Joshi Gakuen: that is basically H!P making it's own fanfic, because there sure as hell isn't much acting going on, they are all themselves! :lol: )
The usage of terms like canon is probably out of habit , and out of convenience. It might not be contextually appropriate, but as long as the fandom knows that it means "well documented", that's alright. Unfortunately you are right, the fandom doesn't really do that. I'm never quite so carried away to believe that my idols are all gay and secretly dating each other, even though it does make for a nice fantasy. Plus, it's fun to make shit up and just explore possibilities. That's what stories are for, to me anyway.
But you're right, we can do better haha. I'm too starved to think of better terminology right now so I'll get back to ya on that!
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^^I had suspected you had a problem with the term XD
Until other words come into popular use, I will continue to abuse the word canon. Apologies. :kneelbow:
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*scratches head* well, good point. But I think the misuse of 'canon' is just something we'll have to live with. Anyhow, the very word 'canon' out of the context of the internet does not even mean 'IRL accurate as documented by official sources'. 'Canon' is internet culture- which means we are all bound to abuse it all the time.
If it bugs you that much, think of it as a racial epithet or the word 'alot' and the charming mixup of they're/their and you're/your. Also, long run-on sentences. And Twilight.
But I digress. Facts are very important to me when writing- whether I choose to bend it or not is my prerogative, but before I bend it, I must know what the real story is.
Shipping information is not important- because this is where we ALL bend the facts in our fandom. So i use 'canon' often, like rndy. But mostly to make an exaggerated point, especially in threads belonging to people I'm comfortable with enough troll. Maybe I'd say "JunRei is practically CANON!" or "and so I declare it canon" for dramatic effect.
Would you rather me go "haha theyre fucking" or "lol eyesex" every time I want to talk about a ship as I am wont to do on tumblr with most irritating frequency? Ha- i'd do that in our shipping threads if I didn't think I'd get banned. (Maybe I should go troll other stickier forums.)
Anyhow...
Here: http://www.wikihow.com/Create-a-Made-Up-Word (http://www.wikihow.com/Create-a-Made-Up-Word)
I vote for the terms to be based on genre: "crck pairing", "flff pairing", "srs pairing", "emofg pairing", etc. as a way to describe ships. Who's with me?
For example: "On a particular website, the pairing GakiKame was unpopular even though it is well documented because it clashed with another well documented pairing (TakaGaki) that was popular."
For example:-
"In a particular fandom, the as-yet-popular crck pairing GakiShige was created out of the need to sink popular ships."
or
"Essy created an interdimensional bar in her efforts to perpetuate the wildly popular emofg pairing of NR!ReinAi in other people's fanfics."
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I vote for the terms to be based on genre: "crck pairing", "flff pairing", "srs pairing", "emofg pairing", etc. as a way to describe ships. Who's with me?
For example: "On a particular website, the pairing GakiKame was unpopular even though it is well documented because it clashed with another well documented pairing (TakaGaki) that was popular."
For example:-
"In a particular fandom, the as-yet-popular crck pairing GakiShige was created out of the need to sink popular ships."
or
"Essy created an interdimensional bar in her efforts to perpetuate the wildly popular emofg pairing of NR!ReinAi in other people's fanfics."
Maybe "emerging" could be used for "as-yet-popular"? (tee hee hee)
But, I like it. Three ways to describe a pairing is better than two.
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I discovered a fragment of a rant I wrote in my notebook sometime ago. It really resonated so I'm posting it here!
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Write something of value. Even if you bear no faith in all things, write, so others may see. Write, if you may not speak. Write, because there is no other value, no other worth, in your meaningless and ephemeral existence.
Write to capture reality. Write to give form to the formless thoughts in your mind. We are greater than the sum of our parts.
Thoughts flow into words that demonstrate intent, intent precipitates action, or it does not. Both culminate into effect. And so the cycle continues. A chain of cause and effect. Does the act influence intent, or does the intent precipitate the act? Double feedback. There is no self contained experiment, for so long as there is intent, there is will, then there is self. Even through inaction events continue. We are all players on this great stage.
Write something that matters to you. You see distraction to avoid thought, but writing is no distraction. It forces you to sharpen your inner world into focus. When you are writing, everything is clear. Painfully so. Even then you seek escape. You dream up worlds apart to live out your hopes and dreams. Even your worst nightmares. Even now you continue speaking to yourself, obfuscating reality in a tangle of logic and theory. You escape thought with thought. You defeat introspection by losing yourself in the minutiae. You are not smart, merely brutally honest and self defeated. Not defeatist, but defeated, by consigning yourself to a null value, and everything hence comes out stillborn. Even your despair is hollow, your joys and triumphs empty. You burn out all too quickly without substance. You are no longer staring into the void, for you have become it.
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My rants are so cheery, don't you think? XD
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That moment when a burden is put down, metaphorically speaking, in writing.
Writing is cathartic for me. I expel my fears and hopes, half formed dreams and thoughts. That they entertain other people is a pleasant side effect. A bonus. I write primarily for myself, not for others, and if that makes me selfish and whimsical, so be it.
Letting go is a relief, especially when it's symbolically set down in writing. Skimming across the surface of life, describing the depths I glimpse, the expanse of skies ahead, but never lived. It's an easy way to live. I can be happy like this, somehow.
私、幸せだよ。だってあなたに出会ったんだなもの！ずっと生きて、私のこと覚えててね。
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Ever felt like it would actually hurt, physically, to write something?
I sometimes find myself a poor writer because of that. I need to be able to write anything in order to show that I can be professional about my writing. Unfortunately, there are some things I find so difficult to write that I would sooner smash my head into the nearest wall than write it.
The worst thing? It's not even a bad thing. It's a completely happy and fluffy topic and it hurts me to write it because I had something like that and lost it. Lmao. I can't bear to write best friends-turned-lovers pairings because I'm too bitter to do so. So sorry, TakaGaki and RihoKanon are out of the picture for me. Actually, TakaGaki isn't too bad, I can actually write them because, well, they work and I don't see them as the typical best friend type pairing, even if they give off similar vibes. I simply cannot write SayaSuzu (or RihoKanon) though, because it cuts too close to the bone and I have an automatic gag reflex and my mind starts flashing burglar alarms and wailing sirens when I see SayaSuzu in any potentially romantic situation. My mind goes NO NO DON'T DO IT RIHO IT'LL HURT YOU STOPPPPP. My prejudices are showing. :lol: I wonder if past trauma contributes to this internal reaction. I'm trying very hard to curb it in order to challenge myself to write something I can't. But I identify too strongly with Riho -- the kid reminds me of myself, before I was broken from a number of traumatic experiences in my life. I remember being as smug as her, as confident, and as capable (but at different things). I see the girl and am reminded of myself before I got hurt and embittered in life. That's why she's my oshi, really. I love her because I miss the me that was. That could have been. Wow, self-identification much? :lol: And yes I'm a narcissist I know this. :lol: Loving myself too much *bricked*
But yeah. I can't do it to Riho. Like, wow, I don't you to get hurt. I'VE BEEN THERE AND IT'S SHIT. GIRL, JUST BE ALONE. IT'S SAFER. REALLY. Some people aren't really meant to date. We make excellent friends and good listeners. I found it highly hilarious that Riho's classmates go to her for advice with friends or relationships :lol: Just like how people approach me for help with things they can't solve. Riho has that kind of presence. That she'll listen to you seriously and advise you as best as she can. That's the type of person she is. She's not the person that you go to first for fun and games (that would be Eripon XD), but she's the person you end up complaining to about the shit happens in your day, when you need someone to listen seriously and give you advice. She's that friend you won't look for first when you have a party, but the first person to call when you have a problem. I don't want to identify with the kid, but I do. I really do. That need for perfectionism within, the stoic demeanour outside, the way she likes to tease people but can't really handle it when they turn the tables on her. That she can be completely serious and professional and totally derpy at the same time. I get that girl. She's bipolar, just a little, but she's great fun if you know how to get to her. I like how she's shy, but once she gets comfortable with you she's all silly and stuff despite coming off as being too serious when you didn't know her. That she actually really wants to be more outgoing and brighter in personality the way Eripon is all social and stuff, but can't work up the guts to be, so she ends up lurking at the sides instead, until someone notices and invites her in. But if she's comfortable around you she'll be all kittenish and will initiate physical contact randomly (ie, with Kanon). I don't even have to think to put on her skin. I'm already there, just older and bitter and broken in a few unseen places and I have to turn off my older self and reach for that younger, still hopeful part of my past personality in order to write the kid. It's wonderful and painful to wear that skin again. Because I can see pain if the wrong steps are made. That's why I can't write her into any pairing properly. I will screw it up because all my relationships have been screwed up. :lol: Well, technically I can write a relationship that works for her. As a writer I can do it. I know I can. It's easy to write something that works. But a little voice at the back of my head wants to spare the kid all that. Just let her be alone. YOUR SANITY, GIRL. DON'T DO IT. BAD IDEA.
Wow. Too much identification going on here. I was an Ai-wota, and I wrote Ai into so many fucked up situations, but it has always been a challenge to put on her skin. It's harder for me. We have similar interests, Ai and I, but I have always seen her as someone different, very radically different in personality from me. I would have done different things if put in her position. When I write her doing things, I write what I think she would do, not what I think I would do, because our ethos are very different. But when it comes to Riho...that line between her and I is blurred to the extreme. Riho, in my headcanon, is like a cross between Reina and Ai, and if anyone has read NR, I used to say that the whole ReinAi relationship there felt like a hybrid of myself in totality. I am neither Reina nor Ai in there, I am the relationship itself. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but basically if ReinAi had a kid it'd be Riho (and me XD). Hence MSF? :lol: But yeah.
There ARE significant differences between me and Riho, of course. We're not the same person. I know this. But personality-wise there are enough similarities to chill me, and I don't want to identify with her, because I grew up to be kinda fucked in the head, and I'm pretty sure I don't want anyone to become anything like me. :lol: For one thing, I never oversleep, I'm never late, and I tend not to forget stuff (only sometimes...). Of course, I can't dance, my singing sucks (wait...XD) , and I can't really do calligraphy. Well, actually I can, but it's been years and I might have forgotten how to. Yes, I have taken lessons before. :lol: Gee.
It's funny. I like Riho because she's a possibility. I enjoy her professionalism. I want to see her grow up to be an amazing person. It feels like living vicariously. She's my favourite because I identify with her, but it's becoming a liability when I write fic because I identify TOO MUCH with her. :lol: Pros and cons I guess.
I'll work on it. Got a couple of SayaSuzu thingies to work with recently, but need to get over internal blocks first. Help meeeeeee!!!
:lol:
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I've been writing a lot of crack lately.
This is an observation. Haha. Neighbours is full of crack. I haven't had to touch on my so called dark side in a while, although I recently discovered that no, I haven't forgotten how to write that way. I still know how to spin a dark tale if I have to -- which I have, but I'm not releasing that just because (commitments! posting means expectations that I have to continue >_>).
It's odd that I find myself oddly incomplete if I don't tap all my senses when I write. I have been dwelling on the good things so much that I've insulated myself from Bad Things. Which is mostly an attempt to protect the children from my unique form of torture. They're a bit young for it. :lol: Riho in particular is in grave danger simply by being my oshi. We always put our favourites through the most shit. XD I guess it's a form of love?
Need to get the dark parts of me out again. I haven't felt this intense in a while. Man, I can't post anything I write if I go that route. :lol: Damn restrictions. Maybe I should get a blog and organize everything there. Or something. >_>
Meh.
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I was breezing through makistar's DA MAN fic yesterday and I wondered what it would be like if its scenario was applied to today's current H!P (legal girls only) :lol:
The only one I can think of as DA MAN is Harunan. Probably one of the reasons why Sayu calls her gross. :lol:
Imagine she's got 6th gen, Dawa, Berryz, C-ute(-1), DIY in her harem...
nope, I don't have a d-girl fetish... :mon trudge:
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^Dawa would probably be jealous and probably threaten to castrate Harunan though :lol:
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I love writing too much to ever really quit it, but sometimes I want to go "fuck this" and stop. Though of course people are used to (or more likely, resigned to) the fact that I update once in a blue moon. Life sucks as you grow up and get a job and have to balance everything else in between.
I'm just so tired though. I'm really happy that when I write, I can always count on my regulars to read and comment (shout out to rndy and Shiawase! Thanks guys!), but it feels like the whole fan community has gone stagnant fic-wise. I miss the old days where you could feel the energy of the place. But now we're just limping along, and it feels like even if I up my output and write a lot like I used to, it's like preaching to an empty congregation. It's oddly disheartening since I love the girls now, but it feels like not enough of other people do, and even if they do, all they're doing is lurking and not standing up to be counted.
I really shouldn't be whining, but I'm tired of being nice all the time. So yes, I'm sick of feeling utterly unappreciated except by the few stalwarts (rndy, shiawase, kuji, grac, and if I miss anyone else I'm sorry!). But it can't be helped, can it? Not everyone who likes the group reads fic, and I can't make them. It's sapping my own desire to write, even though I have so many ideas. It all comes down to "so what if I do?". No one is going to seriously care. Even if I produce something good, it's like winking in the dark: no one knows, and I don't benefit from it. Writing fanfic is a labour of love, and I know that I love the girls and writing itself too much to quit entirely, but it sure makes me grumpy at times. Plus, I get sick of not finding anything I want to read in English. These days, I read fic only in Japanese. What is my life coming to?
/embitteredrant
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Owh..i dunno the rant hole exist here..
i love ranting..that somehow it becomes nonsense when i let my imagination runs wild..beforehand i have write a very long rant about how i know aya matsuura and toma ikuta in their respective well known forum from which consume at about 5 pages (in words format) using century gothic, size 11 fonts..yeah i got that bad when it comes to ranting.
since this is the fanfic rant hole, i will put all my words on the fanfic as the subject itself. first, pardon me on my very bad english and laughing stock grammar. as i come from the country where the eigo language comes second.
yes i will talk about fanfic in general..not the title of the fanfic i like neither the one i currently wrote (because i never ever wrote one!)
and this make me remember to apologize to the topic starter, eastrea that i already going to the opposite direction from the way you heading this thread for. im sorry~~
lets get me started, i know about fanfic 3 years ago back in 2010. which made me one of those people who never know the existance of this kind of writing (fan fictional genre) . my stumble upon this item call "fanfic" is kinda funny. i like to tell about it tho :D
here the story goes... i start actively exploring about japanese entertainment at the yr of 2010. the sudden interest get into me when my heart got fully capture with some adorable and coolness act from johhnys talents. these kinds of entertainment (jpop style) is totally opposite with the one in my country. upon found it strange at first, i get addicted unconsciously. then while i still in full swing in getting know about jpop world (johnny in particular), i found this article that tell a long story about my favourite group in that time (hey say jump-i am yamachii shipper back then)..it was worth 4 pages story of about their daily lives and even details information on how they had a relationship to each other. once finish reading those long story my heart and mind goes blank..ehh..does the story is true?how does the writer or so called reporter knew every details about these johnny talents lives..is it jpop world become so open when the artist doesnt care anymore when their private lives being intrude like that? so i scroll back the whole page from the beginning and later found, at the very top of the page it does stated something like: hey say jump fanfic, writing by xxxx, pairing xxx, rating xxxx.... (still confius) in whole situation i get mr google help me found the fanfic definition..and there is the moment i know the real meaning behind it... and what i read before is not even real because it just a story from someone imigination that convert into some kind of imaginary story depend on who their favorites are..so there it goes, the first information about fanfic i had..upon knowing this , i dont pay so much of attention on it because i not really a fan..i rarely read ones since my first discovery about it..
the times run until march 2013 where the word of fanfic does have some meaning in my life. march 2013 is the exact time my new discovery about Hello project world begin..(its kinda sad isnt???).. this is time where i literally knew about most of them...my full interest to johnys talents just beforehand exchange it paths fully to these direction of HP girls....the only thing that i lost helplessly towards the fact which most of them already graduate being idol and some of them doesnt even active as an artist anymore (namely aya matsuura_sadly the one i being madly fall in love with until currently)...having this sort of disappointment towards what i have been left for so many years, my unconscious act lead me searching the fanfic of my fav HP talent with the intention to displace this bad feeling into something else. and then there's i found one that i treasure greatly wrote by this one person (O_ n1) which made my heart ride into these kind of crazy roller coaster of emotion. from this moment my thought about fanfic suddenly change..because of this person great writing style, i continue searching some good fic material within HP radius which was worth reading. affected by this that is one thing that ive done recently which is so out of character of me when i start writing my own fanfic as the final result consist me failing miserably.. (i let the story hanging at the 15th sentence and never wrote ever since, because i have no idea how to do plot progressing) :D..but at least its encourage me doing something that i hate doing before which is writing.. (since my profession as engineer i rather do calculation and formulas ) :twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs
And then, from all these experiences i just realize how different is the level of fanfic writing between Johhny and HP...i mean in term of character and story progress...Most HP fanfic writer able to pull out nearly realistic situation and nearly realistic character compare to johhny fanfic (yes! i have done some reading of johnny fanfic for comparison purpose). As result, upon reading, we kinda agree and approved of the nearly similar character behaviour describe in the fic..so we get the chance enjoy the fic more.
i still have a lot of thing going on my mind now..but since im no good in words arrangement and ability throw out something good yet simple to understand statement, i guess i would like to stop here. but hey~ at least i wrote something right??
kinda hope for those who read my rant is able to understand what i really meant..
sorry again estrea ...to think that i already messed up you thread :panic:
ja~~
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Short rant because this would never get posted if I actually ranted.
So a H!P Pacific Rim fic would be fun to do. It's a franchise that lends itself well to fusion AUs, with the Drift Compatibility thing on top of the cancelledincoming Apocalypse being an excellent setting to explore character dynamics.
Fucking hell, it's only a couple steps away conceptually, but a H!P Simoun fic is way too fucking difficult to even consider.
DAMMIT, PLUNNIES. :bleed eyes: (I mean, just think of the hilarity that is Reinai trying to decide who's going to be the guy when they go to the spring together. Also, gorram Floef has all of the game, so I can't help but think Rika would be the cheeky rascal to Yossie's elegant lady. And then RihoZukki bros4lyfe.)
Maybe I'll settle for doing fanart instead...? :panic:
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I wonder if they are building a new level of Hades just for me for slashing members of the Kyuukies with members of the Sailor Senshi?
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Here is some idle speculation on S/Mileage. It has more to do with pairings that fan fics, but I will put it here anyway.
When you look at the current groups in H!P it is apparent that most of the H!P members either "spend enough time providing service to the fans with other H!P members to convince fans that they are in love lover relationships" or "are in love lover relationships". Hey, this is what the fans want so H!P is happy to provide it.
However, when one looks at S/Mileage, almost every member is in a "well documented" pairing or a one or two emerging pairings. However, none of these pairings are among themselves. I wonder how this could be?
Maybe S/Mileage, due to the fact that they have to practice and perform together in micro-skirts, are suffering from TMI and deal with it by being strictly professional with each other?
Or, maybe S/Mileage is kind of "old school" and believe that they are supposed to be each others rivals? I hope not. This is old school because inter-group pairings probably significantly help sales. It also can take some of the sizzle off of a PV where the girls shove each other around dance provocatively.
Or, maybe the S/Mileage girls inside of H!P are thought of as being super hot and the reason they don't hang out with each other is because they are fielding dozens of other admirers at a time?
What do you guys think? Is there some other reason that should be considered?
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Can I rant too? No one knows me or what I write haha but this thread spoke to me. It wanted me to find it.
The past months, I've been writing a lot. Like, seriously. I've written 17 oneshots and an 8 chapter fic in four months. That's a lot for me.
But now I've come to some kind of point where I don't like anything I try to write. I have ideas and I really want to write them but when I try they just turn out really really bad. At least I think so. It's a bit like... I don't have a reason to write. My ideas obviously don't appeal to me as much as I think they do, since they don't even end up being decent. It might be because I don't get much feedback on anything I write, but I'm also used to writing for myself and I don't expect comments and/or views, but. I wouldn't still appreciate it? Ah this makes me sound so whiny haha I swear I'm not like this all the time.
If anyone got tips or something, a way to get out of thinking that everything you create sucks, please tell me. I love writing. It just doesn't work at the moment. orz
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The only way to improve in your writing is to constantly read and write. You can judge later once you have a complete piece. A lot of the art students in my university refer to the first draft of writing or drawing in general as "Killing Your Baby" because you might be putting so much effort and time into a piece, but sometimes it doesn't work out. So, you have to be willing to kill the labor of love child you made for a better outcome.
It does help to also have a beta to bounce ideas with and to check for grammar mistakes. What helps me a lot is not just reading, but writing and cutting off that critical part of me. I also have a bunch of writer blogs and sites on tumblr that I follow. They help with advice in writing, some even give your prompts which can help a lot. I also have a beta.
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Not really a rant but more of an... observing? XD
There's been a slight revival in fans of the new gen variety...
So of course, by that logic... H!P is starting to get popular again...
So there's more people...
Yet, there's hardly any active fanfic writers... orz
Maybe it's my nostalgia hitting me hard, but it's hard to believe that we were so ridiculously active that we warranted an entire writing section all on our own, haha...
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Heyo, boss Yuuyami! There is a dearth of H!P fics in general. I remember when we were crazy active here. It kinda makes me sad. Before, every wave of new H!P members would bring in a wave of new members here and new writers.
I'm almost MM-exclusive now and I'm not happy about it because I KNOW the other groups' members would make awesome characters since H!P is just full of crazy people.
I hope to see more stuff. My initial revival wave has died down. I'm sorry I haven't contributed enough.