JPHiP Radio (14/200 @ 128 kbs)     Now playing: Elva Hsiao - Liang Ge-Ren Di Ji-Mo ~ Both Lonely

Author Topic: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)  (Read 15027 times)

Loser87

  • Guest
Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« on: July 15, 2008, 03:53:15 AM »
So, I bet you're wondering what is this thread exactly?
This thread is made up by Me (loser87) and Yuu-chan (Yuuyami) because we thought since we're in the Newbie Era, there is a lot of help needed to help those who wish to improve in their writing.

Basically, we've become Beta readers/writers..

To help our fellow younger generations here..(Any senior writers may help as long as they inform us first that they want to help.)

See, Me and Yuu-chan have been discussing the latest stories that have been popping up left and right lately due to such enthusiastic and imaginative writers here and that made us happy because it meant more activity in our humble little thread.

BUT...

We've also been noticing the lack of care, character developments, and most especially the feelings placed in the stories you've written.

We understand that you had this great idea and you want it out there immediately!
That itch to get that idea out into the world and out of your head for others to read and enjoy..
We've all been there, we weren't born perfect writers...(Except maybe Essy-chan..She's mad pro)

We all had bad stories but we saw our mistakes and improved from it.

Therefore, the purpose of this thread is to help you improve in your writing though be prepared, we can be very blunt and extremely brutal in our critiques if we do not like what we see.

We know everyone has potential to be a great writer.

Even though our critiques can be harsh, don't take it as a bash or flame because then you're not thinking as a writer should. You should see it as an explanation and a way of how to improve.

With us, we'll help you develop your ideas, pan out your story line, improve character development and interactions, check for grammar and spelling and research the characters you write about...

And soon, you'll be on your way in the l33t groups of writers with an epic story people from different H!P Forums would talk about for hours/days/weeks/etc.

So don't be shy!

Come one, Come all!!

Sign up and become an Elite writer~

You'll have people praising you and begging you for more.

That's a promise. >;D

signing out,

Loser87 and Yuuyami.


Offline jafeijai

  • Member+
  • Posts: 4930
  • Music is my life ♪
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2008, 04:02:54 AM »
I'd just like a small critique of a story I'm working on. It's not H!P related, but I'd still like to see what people think about my writing style and whatnot. Would that be alright?

Offline heyyouhiya

  • Yossisexual
  • Member+
  • Posts: 242
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2008, 04:19:21 AM »
I think this is a great idea =]
Especially since myself I do have that problem of wanting to get my idea out immediately so I hardly ever proof read. and when I do its already been posted and I just make very small changes...its something I've been trying to work on though haha

Offline mini*wheat

  • @Shell_Maree
  • ecchi
  • Member+
  • Posts: 3254
  • Mini<3sRina
    • shell_maree
    • shell_maree
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2008, 04:33:58 AM »
Oh! Cool idea!
I took a creative writing class that did something like this. What we did though was have a person submit their work, and then everyone wrote letters to the author stating what worked and what didn't. It was a pretty awesome process and it worked really well. Just a suggestion though.

I may have a couple of things I'll throw out here at later date.  :)


:::Twitter
::Rest in Peace, Jabs. You'll be forever missed. <3::

Offline Yuuyami

  • Hardhat? ( ¯ロ¯ );;
  • Global Moderator
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 1612
  • Prance. Do it. Now. N.O.W.
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2008, 05:15:07 AM »
Woo! Customers o_o

Welcome to the camp my pretties :B

Jafeijai, feel free to post whatever sample chapter on here so we'd take a look at it.

Heyyouhiya, lovely idea, yes? xDDDD

Mini*Wheat, Haha, my writing classes do that too xDDDD.

But yes, y'all, feel free to send in chapters (by PM if necessary xDD ) and we'll gladly do edit it and do a commentary on it xD.




Also, we're totally going to implement excercises from time to time. Like we give you a prompt and you write it, or you choose a character and you must write a random story about that character after some research xDDDD, those kinds of prompts xDDD. Of course, you can still PM them to us for privacy, but we would love it if you post it on this thread so we can also post our commentary on this. That way, an example can be set for everyone, yo xDDDDD….

In fact, let’s start these prompts now~ o_________o



Part one:
Character Prompt:
(Badass Instructor: Loser87)

Which idol are you interested in writing about? What do you know about her? Make a list of EVERYTHING you know about her. Now why do you want to write about her? What do you think she is like? What type of aura/feeling do you get when you see her? (Ex. Tough, funny, kind) What random facts do you know about her? (Little tidbits). Anything else you want to add about her? Please write a page or two answering these questions.


Part two:
Writing Prompt:
(Beauty Instructor: Yuuyami)

You have this magnificent idea in your head, but the problem is putting it down on paper (or in this case, a keyboard). When writing down your magnificent idea, you must absolutely always question yourself. “Is this the right way to phrase it?” or “Did what I just type achieve the effect that I want?” Since angsty stories are becoming popular, a good question to ask yourself is “Do I feel sad when I read this?” The common way to fix these questions (if you answer ‘no’ ) would be to change/add words to your sentences for the correct effect. With that mindset in mind, your objective for this prompt is to write your chosen character (from the above prompt) in a fluffy ( FLUFFY! Not perverted xDDD) situation with their lover and turn our insides into sugary goodness.




Of course, this isn’t just for those who want to improve their writing. We highly encourage everyone, new and old alike, to participate in these prompts. We’re curious damn it xDDDD!!!! So start sending them in!

Offline cool_kickin_dude

  • Member+
  • Posts: 5217
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2008, 05:30:16 AM »
can I ask if you can see my fanfics on here and tell me what I'm doing wrong?

good thing we have an American Idol judges for H!P fanfics :)

Offline Yuuyami

  • Hardhat? ( ¯ロ¯ );;
  • Global Moderator
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 1612
  • Prance. Do it. Now. N.O.W.
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2008, 05:33:20 AM »
xDDDDD Post your best chapter on here and we'll look at it.

Offline heyyouhiya

  • Yossisexual
  • Member+
  • Posts: 242
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2008, 05:44:25 AM »
xDDDDD Post your best chapter on here and we'll look at it.

^ I hope that applies to everyone XD

Okay so I usually hate to ask for help when others can see...but I'm pretty proud of this so I'm going to ask
its the prologue for my One Minute story and its something I actually took the time to edit. (because if you notice my earlier post in this topic I said thats the hardest thing for me; actually editing the piece before posting it.)

-----

I remember everything about that minute. Your sympathetic gaze as you set the small digital watch on the table counting down from a minute. The feeling I can only explain as cold slowly spreading throughout the room. How every move that was made seemed to take an eternity, while still passing all too quickly.

You finally turned toward me, the raw emotion in your eyes was bewitching and painful at the same time. You looked so fragile, like glass. It felt that if I even breathed you would surely shatter into a million pieces. You were in so much blatant pain that it hurt to look at you. It was as if you were reading my mind, for we both looked away at the same time.

You turned to stare blindly out the window, your long hair shielding your eyes like a curtain. I busied myself by staring at the numbers slowly going down on the small watch.

Thirty-two seconds

The air was thick. I could feel my lungs tensing and my heart beating louder. I was certain you could hear it. I don't even know why I was scared. But a cold feeling had spread around the room and left me empty.

It felt like hours before you finally spoke. I knew it hadn't been that long because my eyes never broke their gaze at the clock.

Twenty-five seconds.

"Goodbye"

Those words hung in the air between us. Strangely my heart didn't quicken; I think it just stopped. I looked up, you hadn't moved. It was almost as if you had never spoken.

"What? Going on vacation and you didn't invite me?" Joking was all I could think to do in order to stay calm. My own laughter rang in my ears.

You looked back at me with a sheepish grin before turning back to the window. I walked over and reached my hand out to touch your face, almost to make sure you were really there. To my horror, I realized I was crying.

I pulled back quickly and turned away trying to wipe away my tears. I don't know why or how, but my eyes found there way back to that damned clock.

Five seconds.

You slowly reached up and cupped my cheek in one of your hands. It was a warm and gentle touch; I was your most prized possession.

You managed to catch my eyes again. I think the world stopped for a moment under your calm, unflinching gaze. It seemed like I could see straight through your eyes and into your very being. Pain, confidence, fear, joy, understanding...and then I blinked and the moment was over. I felt a sharp pain spread from my cheek through my entire body, and I was alone.

I didn't need to look at the clock; I knew it displayed zero. I reached up to touch my cheek where your warmth had been moments before. I could feel my whole body becoming numb. I leaned my forehead against the cold forgiving glass of the window and laughed.

I understood everything now.

-----

So yea, its not supposed to be clear whats going on (I actually haven't reviled that fully in the rest of the story yet) but just overall the writing.

I'm grateful that you two are taking the time to look at this =]

Feel free to be as harsh as you would like to be.

Offline stefy

  • ecchi
  • Member+
  • Posts: 663
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2008, 06:13:53 AM »
Whoa... fanfic school...

O_O

Cool! Ganbare ppl!!

*sneaks away* (Maybe.. I come back for a lesson or two)

Offline Rei.rev.07

  • Reina's Bitch
  • ecchi
  • Member+
  • Posts: 1569
  • WonderGeneration
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #9 on: July 15, 2008, 06:28:45 AM »
I'm scared of knowing the truth, but I feel like signing up so I can improve :sweatdrop:.

-------[TANAKAMEI (blog) ]-[Graphix Box]-[RFT]-------

Offline lollipopgirl

  • Forever with us JABBY! <3
  • ecchi
  • Member+
  • Posts: 4698
  • It's all about the girl love!
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #10 on: July 15, 2008, 06:30:39 AM »
I think I shall sit in the back of the class, throwing things at everyone and setting traps for the teachers :twisted:

Offline ShikyoxYaiba

  • The Atomic Warhead of Foolishness!!
  • Member+
  • Posts: 554
  • TakaGakiKame. Yes.
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2008, 06:52:18 AM »
Actually, I think I could use some advice on the first chapter of a fic I just posted a little while ago. (Literally a minute or two...XD) I haven't been writing for 2-3 months, and I hope I'm not too rusty. The fic I'm writing isn't my usual type, but the idea was nagging at my brain. :sweatdrop: I myself think it's lacking description... But please, give it a look and fix anything...and give me criticism. I need it. XD Here's the link: ~My Apologies~ Chapter 1

Offline Rei.rev.07

  • Reina's Bitch
  • ecchi
  • Member+
  • Posts: 1569
  • WonderGeneration
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2008, 06:59:33 AM »
I think I shall sit in the back of the class, throwing things at everyone and setting traps for the teachers :twisted:
I'll just move to the back with you and nap XD (so don't throw things at me~~!).

-------[TANAKAMEI (blog) ]-[Graphix Box]-[RFT]-------

Loser87

  • Guest
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #13 on: July 15, 2008, 07:14:59 AM »
Okay, Heyyouhiya...
We read your story...and discussed it on MSN..
We were harsh but it was our honest opinion, don't let it get you down because we gave you advice on improving.
We are willing to help, you just need to endure criticism.

We're color-coded.

Loser87 is Green
and
Yuuyami is bright purple.

Okay, here we go!

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Whoa, he looked like he improved o_O


MoMo says:
hnn

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Alright, first parrie


MoMo says:
yeah okay...from what read so far...which is the first 3 sentence better choice in wording...

MoMo says:
repeating minute gets irritating

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xDDDD second sentence is a fragment

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It could have been combined with the first

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Wait, not really combined


MoMo says:
it could have


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Looking at the first three, I think he could have added more detail to it

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
paragraphs I mean


MoMo says:
there should be more detail..

MoMo says:
emphasis on feelings using italics, underlines and bolds should help too

MoMo says:
because right now, i feel nothing for this short

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He touches up on stuff, yeah, but I feel like he could have talked more about it rather than just brush against it

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Same

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Very emotionless


MoMo says:
it feels...rather very bland

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I see the effort strewn in the writing, but it's not the correct effect


MoMo says:
there's no emphasis on the desperation or anxiety he wanted

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm


MoMo says:
if he did he might get the feeling across...

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He merely described what was happening


MoMo says:
I didn't even read the whole thing and already right now i can tell this would be one of the things i'd stop and leave


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The same old "This happens. That happens." problem he has

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mm


MoMo says:
mmm my advice he needs to do our lessons

MoMo says:
and learn from the critiques we give him

MoMo says:
using examples and such

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
This is first person, so it's actually harder to write than third person


MoMo says:
i dunno, i feel the need to revise like a paragraph of this to compare and show him things

MoMo says:
yeah..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
'cause with first person, EVERY word has to count towards the character's mindset


MoMo says:
i wonder if he know the characters information

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And with this, it felt like an omniscent third person narrator


MoMo says:
it does..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
So it explains the bland-roboticness of it

MoMo says:
so its perfect that he NEEDS to do our lesson since that's what our 1st lesson is about!

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah! :V

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
:B


MoMo says:
lmao

MoMo says:
but we'll tell our critique now i guess? since we already wrote half of it, i don't know how brutal we'll get if we read the entire thing..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He said we can be harsh

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
So we can  


MoMo says:
well, when i looked at it, read the first paragraph, I have to be honest i didn't wanna continue reading it

MoMo says:
it was incredibly dull, didn't capture my interest at all, and I didn't give a damn who this mystery person was or who she was crushing on

MoMo says:
it held no feeling and so I just didn't care enough to continue, a skip story basically

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Same with me. It sounded like a rather cliched beginning.


MoMo says:
you got that too right? almost 0 creativity

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah


MoMo says:
to make the story attractive

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It must be have some spice like Emeril being so constipated he shouts BAM o-o

MoMo says:
it has a lot of potential though to be very..tempting/seductive to the reader, to become this very dark , harsh world

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD Edit out that joke


MoMo says:
LMAO

MoMo says:
NO!

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Or leave it in if you liked it that much o_O


MoMo says:
XD

MoMo says:
i'll leave it in because it shows how lame you are

MoMo says:
XD


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
LOL Oh gahh xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Alright, next paragraph xD


MoMo says:
-sigh- >_<


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I actually thought the description here was pretty decent. Good use of simile and metaphor.


MoMo says:
it was decent, he could have combined the sentences


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But the thing about this one is that I felt like he could have added more to it


MoMo says:
added more...i guess details, metaphors, feelings inside

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The last sentence's syntax could be rearranged though

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He describes the looks, but not the feelings behind them


MoMo says:
yeah


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next parrie

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
or not, you're still typing o-o


MoMo says:
lol its okay


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Uh.

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Not enough detail xD


MoMo says:
mmm the 3rd paragraph wasn't very interesting

MoMo says:
it was basically the whole "she sat there"

MoMo says:
"She moved here"

MoMo says:
"She looked very sad"

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It looks like he was attempting to make a transition to the Thirty-two seconds though


MoMo says:
yea but it felt really cheap and cheesy

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
What irked me is that he put details in the first two paragraphs, but not the third one

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He needs to be consistant.


MoMo says:
detail is important

MoMo says:
even in a prologue..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm


MoMo says:
he shoulda' bolded the 32 seconds thing

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I was thinking that too.


MoMo says:
emphasis it since it looked important

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next


MoMo says:
okay

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
"The air was thick"

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
............Lovely xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
With what?


MoMo says:
lol

MoMo says:
he could've said,

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I am currently idle.

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
-punts mouse-

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The air was thick with apprehension


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
That would have been nice


MoMo says:
"The air felt heavy with our anxiety"

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Or "The air was suffocating" in relation to the second sentence


MoMo says:
could've done that, used the 'air was thick' to express the two characters

MoMo says:
it'd would give us more understanding of their lack of turmoil/sadness >_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But it's boring D:

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Like "See Spot run" D:

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah xD


MoMo says:
mmm the 4th paragraph....


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I don't like that last sentence


MoMo says:
yea

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Oh, we moved on?

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD


MoMo says:
oh?

MoMo says:
no

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I was talking about the cold feeling part


MoMo says:
the air was thick is the 4th para

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It felt really out of place

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Oh xD


MoMo says:
yea that last sentence

MoMo says:
could have been better

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Could have been something different


MoMo says:
but instead it just sticks out like sore thumb...

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah


MoMo says:
in all its awkward glory

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next line? xD


MoMo says:
mm

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He's trying to express an eternity here, but it's not a very good job of doing it


MoMo says:
another this and that line...

MoMo says:
its very...

MoMo says:
repetitive

MoMo says:
its not something you want in your chapter..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And it does the complete opposite of the intended effect

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He wanted eternity, but these sentences went by super quick


MoMo says:
you want to emphasis it but if you repeat it over and over it loses its effect and just becomes annoying

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
the feeling is, I mean

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mm


MoMo says:
next one?

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Should have been bolded


MoMo says:
lol

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I am currently idle.


MoMo says:
XD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next one would have had a greater effect if it had proper punctuation... xDDDD

MoMo says:
XDXD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next one


MoMo says:
Oh gosh


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
" Strangely my heart didn't quicken; I think it just stopped. " Well thanks for stating the obvious xDD


MoMo says:
XD

MoMo says:
different wording, making the sentence longer

MoMo says:
And oh, DETAIL

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
This one doesn't have details o_o

MoMo says:
it needs detail..

MoMo says:
>_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
XDDDD It's like he got all detaily in the beginning but when he finally gets to the 'action' he just stops doing it o-o


MoMo says:
its...just..blargh..to me

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next~

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
o__O

MoMo says:
its hollow

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He just totally ruined the tension xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Next one after too


MoMo says:
you don't feel anything

MoMo says:
that's it

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The first sentence, with the sheepish grin, it feels like a fluff sentence


MoMo says:
the feelings that should be there are just all over the place

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Fluff doesn't belong in angst

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah


MoMo says:
its like he has no control of what feeling he wants

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah


MoMo says:
the timing is...well awful..

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
The sentence type clashes too much

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He's writing something angsty, but these sentences, the way they're worded, they don't belong here


MoMo says:
yeah, if he had different words or a diff. sentence that would compliment the others than it'd be fine

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
So far, I don't understand this character's mindset at all


MoMo says:
but..what i see is him adding something that just doesn't work like fitting a square into a circl

MoMo says:
circle*

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I don't know why he walked up to the girl and then walked back


MoMo says:
I don't understand what the hell is going on though

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He doesn't describe the feelings

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mm

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
He doesn't describe the intentions or anything


MoMo says:
usually in a prologue you do get..a small guess of whats gonna happen

MoMo says:
this nothing, its too scattered, has too many options of what it could be

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But with this one, we see things happening, but we don't know why

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Doing too many things at once


MoMo says:
all i know there is suppose to be angst

MoMo says:
but you just don't feel the pain


Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm


MoMo says:
reason why is because you don't know why you should feel bad for this character

MoMo says:
there is no reason to feel sympathetic

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I read the rest of it xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But I'm still left confused


MoMo says:
I'm guessing it might be because girl 2 is leaving somewhere or wants to break up

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah


MoMo says:
and girl 1 is all boo-hoo about it

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
But still, both characters are very unreadable


MoMo says:
i read it all too

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I don't know what they're thinking


MoMo says:
in all honesty the only way for me to get a feeling across in a 1st person writing

MoMo says:
is to be that character, how would they react, how would you feel if that happens

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mmhmm


MoMo says:
because in all honesty human emotion is all the same we just express it differently

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah


MoMo says:
i think that's the key in writing 1st person pov's

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It is


MoMo says:
just think how it would make you, the author feel and then express it in words

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
It's what Essy-chan stresses a lot when she writes

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And it's something she's told me a lot too

MoMo says:
lol, i figured it out

MoMo says:
things like describing love, you don't know what it is, how its suppose to feel, you can never find the right words for it

MoMo says:
so it's left usually as indescribable

MoMo says:
anyway, this 'short', its easily forgettable, it leaves me feeling like i want to avoid it..and...it just feels hollow

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I am currently idle.

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Indeed


MoMo says:
-punts your mouse-

MoMo says:
your mouse annoys me yuuchan

MoMo says:
>_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xDDDD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I get so involved when I talk with you like this, so there's no need for me to move it... xD


MoMo says:
LMAO

MoMo says:
anyway, what's your verdict?

MoMo says:
well, critique >_>

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Still the same "This happens. That happens." I want him to think about the characters' motives and use them to influence the writing


MoMo says:
yeah, i want him to think about how they would feel in that situation

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD You are going to post our above conversation in its entirety, right?


MoMo says:
this story does have a lot of potential

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Mm


MoMo says:
yes, lol

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Good xD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Edit out my lame jokes D<

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD


MoMo says:
I'll just copy and paste this and just color code it XD

MoMo says:
No

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
>______>;

MoMo says:
the world needs to see your lameness XDXD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
I'm sad xD You never once tried to make a joke

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
You were too serious D:


MoMo says:
I make jokes about people!

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
What happened to that gangsta, yo D<

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
xD


MoMo says:
>_>

MoMo says:
I'm not that ghetto

MoMo says:
I am still asian XD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Oh well just hurry up so I can sleep xD


MoMo says:
-rolls eyes- w/e

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
We totally did a good job today xD


MoMo says:
well, advice is given in our critiques and for extra help he should do the lesson we put up before

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
Yeah

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And he should ask us to beta often


MoMo says:
so all in all that should be it for tonight

MoMo says:
yes

MoMo says:
XDXD

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
So we can direct him in the right path... xD


MoMo says:
yessum and lead him to the golden stairs of us l33ts

MoMo says:
XD

MoMo says:
we get praises and coffee...plus cookies~

MoMo says:
okay, well then off I do to do the color coding >_>

MoMo says:
-sigh-

Lovely Yuuchan desu yo~ (  ¯ロ¯    );; says:
And god knows how much cheesecake we need to be satisfied xD


MoMo says:
XDXD


------------------------

Okay, that was our critique for Heyyouhiya.
It has a lot of potential but it needs to be worked on and thought out.
Don't rush things, you have to spend your time thinking about wondering if its just right.
Like, "This sounds weird to me" or "Is this really getting the point across"

You also need to choose your words carefully, sometimes a bad choice of words can make your sentence look awkward or out of place.
And what Yuuyami stresses, Details.

A story lacking details isn't really a story.
It doesn't give the readers imagination enough ideas of what's happening and there's no visual in their heads.

You also need to express the feelings of the characters.
In what we've read, it sounded very hollow, robotic and just emotionless.
There was nothing, it didn't leave us sympathetic or sad, or whatever you were trying to convey.
It is hard but its not difficult.

Usually the trick is thinking about how YOU, the author would feel if that happened.
Then, you imagine how that idol would feel.

Like I said, Human emotion is all the same, the only difference is on how we express it.

Hope this helps, not only does this apply in writing fanfic, it applies to writing in general also.
You have a lot of potential but it seems like you need help so we're willing to be your beta.

Anyway, do our exercises the one yuuyami posted earlier for practice.
Yes, it's like an assignment but it'll help so.

Anyway keep on coming you guys!
We'll help ya' knuckleheads out >;P

Loser87

  • Guest
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #14 on: July 15, 2008, 07:22:21 AM »
woah, didn't notice the 4 new replies before me and...that my green is so bright >_<;;

Sorry about that people, just highlight the whole thing to make it easier on the eyes ;;

Anyways, don't be shy about wanting our critique, we'll try not to be harsh..
But being a writer is also having to endure a little bit of honest criticism =T

Besides, its good lessons and honest opinions and you'll become a better writer no doubt!
don't be afraid to voice your opinions on your own work, it'll help us better understand what you were trying to do.

A good way to improve especially when you have help,
is to tell us what you wanted, what was going on your mind, expressing your opinions!
All in a constructive way of course.

so uh, yeah..that's it for tonight..
I will be going to sleep now and yuuchan (yuuyami) has already gone to bed!


Night y'all~

Offline heyyouhiya

  • Yossisexual
  • Member+
  • Posts: 242
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #15 on: July 15, 2008, 07:31:40 AM »
First a foremost: ...I'm a she...
lol not that you would know that.
I just thought I would throw that whole I am a female thing out there...

Then can I say, I love how you two critique. (even the random talking and lame jokes)
I hate when people don't tell me everything thats wrong because they want to be nice.
So thank you, this was awesome and amazingly helpful...and as soon as my test on wensday is over I will do one of your exercises.
And I promise to work on adding more detail because that seemed to be the thing you two commented on the most

But kind of in defense of my fic a little...(although obviously this isn't going to change much of your opinion but -shrug-) It was supposed to have a kind of feelingless feel to it...

But so yea...thank you =]
(especially for how quick that was. I expected it to maybe be tomorrow at the soonest)

Offline jafeijai

  • Member+
  • Posts: 4930
  • Music is my life ♪
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #16 on: July 15, 2008, 11:21:15 AM »
Alright, here's my little 'contribution' to the camp. ^.^;; Please note that this story is unrelated to H!P (for now, at least) and that I haven't really planned out anything with regards to storyline nor character development. I like to go with the flow. :)
____________________
Chapter 1: First Meeting
The sound of the first bell ringing reverberated through the otherwise quiet neighbourhood as a lone figure ran towards the school entrance. Dressed in the standard jet-black uniform of Aijou High School, the boy was thankful for the lack of flower petals flying into his face. With the trees just beginning to blossom, the falling flower petals would only serve to frustrate the boy as he continued his dash across the open school grounds. Reaching his shoe box just inside the main doors of the building, the sound of the school bell ringing a second time reached the boy’s ears, confirming his tardiness. Without any outward expression of recognition of his situation, he ran towards the closest flight of stairs and began the climb to his classroom.

Approaching his classroom door, the boy quickly reduced his pace to a tiptoe and listened carefully for any sign of his teacher having already begun homeroom procedures. To his unspoken delight, his classmates were still talking amongst themselves about various things: the latest scoop on the most popular boybands, the score of the game two nights before, the new drama series broadcast just last night, even news about the upcoming government dispute managed to make its way into the hallway. Judging himself safe from harm, the boy grabbed the door handle and flung the door wide open. In that instant, all noise coming from Class 3-B disappeared and 27 pairs of eyes quickly shifted their focus to the now open door and the smug-looking boy who had now stepped into the room. With a wide grin plastered on his face, the boy loudly exclaimed, “I, Yoshida Hiro (吉田宏), am not late!!”

Just as sudden as the boy’s entrance, another loud noise could be heard from the doorway: the sound of the boy collapsing onto the ground, clutching the back of his head in pain. A quick assessment of his injury resulted in no life-threatening damage (yet) and the boy quickly turned and directed his best death glare towards his assailant. To his horror, standing in front of him was none other than Miyamoto Yuuka (宮本優香); his homeroom teacher. Waving the wooden ruler in her right hand threateningly, she proceeded to her desk at the front of the room and picked up two small pieces of chalk from within her desk drawer. “Young man, I believe today is yet another late to add onto the ever-growing pile. Since the usual punishment doesn’t seem to work, let’s try something different. Normally I’d have you write lines in reflection of your behaviour. Now I’d like you to stand outside with these pieces of chalk in your outstretched hands until I tell you to come back inside. Maybe the numbing in your arms will help remind you to make it to class on time tomorrow morning.”

With his head facing towards the floor, the boy made his way to the wooden entrance. Closing the door behind him slowly as he exited the room, the boy gave a heavy sigh and slowly put his back to the wall to begin his punishment. To his surprise, someone else was already standing with her back to the wall across from him (he quickly noticed the lack of chalk in her hands). At first glance, all the boy could think about was how pretty this girl looked: shoulder-length black hair that slightly shimmered under the fluorescent lighting of the hallway and her skin gave off a healthy glow, all backed by the morning sun. A closer look revealed a cute dimpled smile directed his way, making him feel he was in the presence…of an angel. But before he had the chance to make any small talk with the girl, the voice of his teacher could be heard emerging from the doorway: “Now it might be a surprise to many of you as it is already so far into the term, but we have a transfer student joining our class starting today. Please give her a warm welcome; you may enter the classroom now.”
____________________
Thanks for taking the time to read this.  :kneelbow:

Offline ringo-hime

  • House of Byuntae
  • ecchi
  • Member+
  • Posts: 406
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #17 on: July 15, 2008, 11:59:24 AM »
oh, just read everything. wanna sign up too~  :D

Offline AmberSan

  • ecchi
  • Member+
  • Posts: 544
  • Always タカガキ L-O-V-E
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #18 on: July 15, 2008, 12:32:37 PM »
LOL your convo...  :lol:
but anyways realy liked the idea of this thread..
will sign up when i'll finish the next chapter... :sweatdrop:...

Offline cool_kickin_dude

  • Member+
  • Posts: 5217
Re: Writers Bootcamp! (YEA!)
« Reply #19 on: July 16, 2008, 12:12:40 AM »
well..here's my part from my working fanfic..do your brutal best! :lol:

Chapter 24: Plan A busted

"Nothing really," the person said.

"Are you sure?" Miki asked.

"It was nothing really," the second person said. "I gotta get going."

As Miki watched that person leave, her eyes shifted back to the attention to the person in charge. "Okay," she asked, "what do you want?"

"What are you talking about?" the person asked.

"You know, Maki."

"No, I don't. I was just talking to..."

"I know exactly what you were going to do."

"No, you.."

"Don't interrupt me!" Miki's voice raised to anger as she fixed her patented death-glare upon Maki. "You are not going to hurt Yossie, you understand?"

"If anybody's hurt her, it's you," Maki said.

"Really?" Miki pinned Maki's shoulders to the wall and leaned in close to her face, her breath inches away. "I believe you hurt her if anybody has. I can't decided who Yossie dates, but she's happy with Rika than she'll ever be with you."

"Don't cross me, Miki. You'll regret it."

Maki shoved Miki away as she went downstairs toward the floor level of the building. She left outside and hailed for a taxi to take her back to the apartment. She waited until she got home beforeshe called her friend she was talking to earlier.

"It's me," Maki said. "Meet me at my apartment in 30 minutes."

* * * * * * * *

Rika and Yossie walked arm and arm to the office as Yossie got a message on her phone. She stopped and read the message before she gave Rika a kiss on the cheek. "Miki just called me," she said. "I'll be back soon."

"OK, I'll be in my dressing room if you need me." Rika gave Yossie a quick kiss before she went upstairs. That was when she was stopped by a person working for Tsunku. "Excuse me, Rika?" the man asked. "Tsunku wants to see you."

"OK," Rika replied sadly. Her cheerfulness already was gone out of her face.

"He says he has a surprise for you."

"What is it?"

Minutes later, Rika was in Tsunku's office to hear the good news. "We want you to continue working as much as possible," he said. "Effective next week, you will be hosting Hello!Morning."

"Thank you!" Rika smiled.

Meanwhile, things were not looking good on Yossie's side...

JPHiP Radio (14/200 @ 128 kbs)     Now playing: Elva Hsiao - Liang Ge-Ren Di Ji-Mo ~ Both Lonely