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Author Topic: R I V E R (MaYuki) + Extra chapters (06/07/2013) - FANFIC DELETED  (Read 111688 times)

Offline Nyanoha

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #300 on: September 16, 2012, 09:04:13 PM »
I just reread this LOLOL

Omg ZuZu I love these so much.

 :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:
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Offline Calyrica

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #301 on: September 18, 2012, 04:13:37 AM »
As much as the shipper in my heart was looking forward to Atsumina the most, I found the Takamina and Miichan friendship to totally be the best part about this two part extra. You played them off of each other so well! XD Everything was so easy to picture with them.

Please look forward to more soon!

I totally squeed when I read this.
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Offline Majijo.Soul

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #302 on: November 13, 2012, 07:44:07 PM »
This is the one of the most brilliant AKB48 fanfictions I've ever read!  :thumbup Unfortunately, it was only yesterday that I discovered it.  :wub:

This story has it all: action, violence, the bonds of true friendship, humor, lots of swearing, running jokes, and love! Besides, I admire that (unlike most other AKB48 fanfics) you've used the AKB-universe to create your own original story rather than simply writing about the real girls themselves. I love the militaristic setting as well. My only problem is that there are no men or boys to be seen – anywhere! The only man I recall mentioned was General Akimoto. Are there no males in this world at all?  :lol:

I eagerly look forward to your next update! 
« Last Edit: November 13, 2012, 07:51:09 PM by Majijo.Soul »

Offline sakura_drop_

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #303 on: November 13, 2012, 07:55:34 PM »
I just now realized I did not leave a comment...

:on gay: an update~~~~

Thank you!!
I cant say much enough..
Im not good in explaining..
but all i know is
I really really really like your fic river!

 :hee:

me too~   :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: lol

I third this!!
Your update made me :mon angel:
"人間みんな変態だから" - 古川愛李, SKE48 新高柳チームKII 「シアターの女神」千秋楽公演, 2014.04.18 <"Because all people are perverts." - Furukawa Airi, SKE48 New Takayanagi Team KII [Theater no Megami] Last Stage, 2014.04.18>

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Offline Divine Vengeance

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #304 on: November 13, 2012, 08:42:20 PM »
My only problem is that there are no men or boys to be seen – anywhere! The only man I recall mentioned was General Akimoto. Are there no males in this world at all?  :lol:

Since this isn't too serious of a story and the focus is on our favorite girls, I didn't feel the need to bring in extra men. Rest assured, they exist somewhere in the world, just not "on screen," so to speak XD (I think I mentioned at least some male members of Takamina's family somewhere...) Who needs boys anyways?

Anyways, thank you for commenting! This goes out to all the other commentors as well.
Thank you for your continued support. Rereading your messages does bring back lost inspiration, so hopefully I'll have time soon to put said inspiration into words. Unfortunately, it might not be for the RIVER-verse that you all love so, but I hope you'll keep an eye out anyway :twothumbs
Clue: it's another extended series ;P
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Offline Majijo.Soul

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #305 on: November 13, 2012, 08:53:12 PM »
My only problem is that there are no men or boys to be seen – anywhere! The only man I recall mentioned was General Akimoto. Are there no males in this world at all?  :lol:

Since this isn't too serious of a story and the focus is on our favorite girls, I didn't feel the need to bring in extra men. Rest assured, they exist somewhere in the world, just not "on screen," so to speak XD (I think I mentioned at least some male members of Takamina's family somewhere...) Who needs boys anyways?

Anyways, thank you for commenting! This goes out to all the other commentors as well.
Thank you for your continued support. Rereading your messages does bring back lost inspiration, so hopefully I'll have time soon to put said inspiration into words. Unfortunately, it might not be for the RIVER-verse that you all love so, but I hope you'll keep an eye out anyway :twothumbs
Clue: it's another extended series ;P

I agree, there's not much need for male characters if our AKB girls are there... Who needs boys anyways?   :lol:


I'd be very happy to read another extended series, but I wish you would occasionally update this story even if only with one-shots. I was gearing up to write and post a long review of all your chapters. I hope that would fuel your inspiration to continue this series as well! AKB48 in a military academy is a genius idea. Not to mention that you (as other comments have said) really put a personal perspective on the "cool" RIVER PV with humor and the close friendships of the girls. :D

Offline Divine Vengeance

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #306 on: November 13, 2012, 09:03:45 PM »
No worries there! Although my next few updates will probably be for other things, I still have short things here and there planned for RIVER. I'm really glad you enjoyed the setting of this series, and I'm definitely happy that I didn't disappoint fans of the PV XD
I'm already looking forward to that review, so thanks for going through that effort!
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Offline Majijo.Soul

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #307 on: November 13, 2012, 11:05:22 PM »
Chapter 1: The hilarious (and epic) beginning (or first strike of the “Egubitch”, and introduction of the endlessly running joke “Yuuchan, language!”)

As promised, my review of your story! I've said it before, but I must say it again: A military themed AKB48 fanfiction, complete with military ranks, is a brilliant idea! A school-type setting, or something such, is the best way to manage a large cast like this one. But the fact you tied it in with the mission featured in RIVER makes it double-awesome. This story takes you in right from the beginning. I read all the chapters in one sitting, and still wished there was more.  :lol:  So, to business...

Kojiyuu is an enduring favorite among all the AKB48 pairings. I loved how you characterized the two of them, especially the “Yuuchan, language!”. That's the biggest fan favorite joke in this whole fic. I love Yuko's swearing, and how she only lets her Nyan-Nyan school her language. And the way Kojiharu doesn't let anyone make fun of her Yuko.   :heart:  The flirtatious insults between Captain Yukirin and the grenade-happy cyborg are perfect as well.  :twothumbs  Also, the perfect teamwork between Captain Major Takamina and ace Acchan is spot-on. I really can imagine the two of them coordinating their attacks perfectly. Also, is sunglasses-wearing Mariko a reference to Iiwake Maybe? Because I can't recall her wearing sunglasses in the RIVER PV.  :nervous

As others commented, this is the first time I've ever seen Eguchi Aimi featured in a fanfiction. And she's a monumental bitch.  :lol:  Since all of your major cast are AKB/SKE, using her for the mean character is pretty genius (because it doesn't hate on any real member, and it still uses someone who's actually part of the AKB universe). Now, no matter how elite our sixteen member unit is, they can't be expected to abide by the will of Egubitch and complete the objective. But it did make for one brief, emotional moment as the group huddle together for support and reassurance.

Also, Jurina's real-life attitude makes her seem like she would make a very “gung-ho” soldier who wouldn't back down from even an impossible challenge. But your characterization of her showing fear at the appropriate moment is better – she is, after all, the youngest among the AKB team. In addition, I loved how you both began and ended the chapter with “Yuuchan, language!”

One noticeable grammar error I saw was in this sentence: “Kasai Tomomi bit her lip as she took sent a few branches falling to the ground, hitting soldiers underneath”. It probably should be “Kasai Tomomi bit her lip as she took aim and sent a few branches falling to the ground, hitting soldiers underneath”.

My favorite quotes:

' A nod from Takamina signaled to Yuko that it was time to advance. The squirrel prodded Miichan and Kojiharu and gave a quick jerk of her head. “Here’s for hitting my hair earlier, mother fuckers,” Yuko growled as she shot one last time at the enemy.

Kojiharu raised her hand to give Yuko a quick bonk on the head. “As much as I treasure your hair too, you really need to watch your language, Yuuchan.”

Miichan opened her mouth with a devious grin, but before she could make any comments, Kojiharu sent her a smack as well. “No making fun of my Yuko.” '


' Jurina gripped her rifle tightly, fear evident on her face. Yuko moved next to her and quietly put a reassuring hand on the youngest girl’s shoulder. Despite this, Yuko herself was scared although she hid it by gripping Kojiharu’s hand tightly.

Chiyuu discreetly looped her arm through Tomochin’s. Instead of pulling away as she usually would, Itano merely pulled the other Tomomi closer. The rest of the group also visibly shifted closer to each other for support. '


' “Weeeeellllllllll…” Yuko dragged out, “FUCK.”

There was a dull smacking sound.

“Yuuchan, language!” '


(There is more review to come! I didn't have many suggestions for this chapter, because this fic is just so perfect.)

Offline Divine Vengeance

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #308 on: November 13, 2012, 11:20:20 PM »
Wow, you weren't kidding when you said you'd give a long review XD I really appreciate the effort you're making to do this because it helps me gain someone else's insight on all the different things going on while refreshing my memory on stuff written a while ago.

Also, thanks for catching that typo! As much as I proofread others' works, I tend to derp on my own :doh:

Regarding the characters, yes, I changed a few details like Jurina's slightly scared side and Yuko's potty mouth 'cause I feel that it gives them a different kind of depth more befitting soldiers than idols XD I'm not sure that Yuko would get away with all that cussing on national TV or something. As much as the characters are based on real life people, I wanted to give them a RIVER-verse twist  :lol:

And yes, Iiwake Mariko was just too badass to be left out XD
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Offline Majijo.Soul

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #309 on: November 14, 2012, 12:52:45 AM »
Chapter 2 (Where Yukirin is BLACK, Takamina's guns are “loaded”, and the Egubitch can't get any bitchier)

To start off, this chapter is even funnier than the last. With the mumbling'n'grumbling Takamina, and DJ Minegishi right off the bat. I swear, there is so much hilarity.

Matsui Jurina is again represented as slightly shy and less experienced than the others. It was so sweet seeing Tomochin cheering her up, and giving her some mentor-like encouragement. Even though I'm more accustomed to seeing Mariko/Jurina as a mentor pair. But so far in this story Mariko is sophisticated and aloof, and less troll-y than usual.  :lol: And I love all the Tomotomo that's happening, with the gruff Tomochin being flustered by her the “starry-eyed” Chiyuu clinging on her. And I can't even begin to describe how hilarious the exchange between Myao, Erepyon, and Kitarie is on the topic of Haruna's tsundere love for Yuko.

The entrance of the looming dark aura belonging to Yukirin was very sudden.  :lol:  The trio better be afraid, because her glare has all the force of a malevolent black hole! My favorite part of the conversation between the butt fanatics is the mention of “Takamina's loaded guns”. Speaking of which, Takamina talks too herself so much. I see Acchan's sexiness is a great point of worry for the midget. Its not Acchan's fault that she's hot!  :lol: Poor embarrassed Atsumina! And poor Yuuchan can't get in a swear word without being smacked, even when her darling Haruna isn't around.

On the topic of Atsumina, I love how you've transitioned their idol group Captain-Ace duo to official battle duo in this setting. And I despise Eguchi for overworking Takamina to promote her own name! The moment when said overworked Takamina broke down into tears was so emotional... But then Egubitch has to break in and claim that she'll demote Takamina if they fail in this totally impossible mission.  :angry: But again, its touching to see how the other members cheer up Takahashi... Encouragement from Sasshi, Sayaka, Erena, Miho, Kasai, Sae, her comrade-in-height Yuko, and of course Acchan. I love the relationships of friendship you describe in this story. :thumbsup

Offline Majijo.Soul

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #310 on: November 16, 2012, 05:51:20 PM »
I'm back with more chapter review!  8)

Chapter 3 (Where the Kojiyuu “tension” is actually resolved  :w00t: )

Just a quick question: When AKB48 lyrics are incorporated in an AU fanfiction, were are they actually surmised to be coming from? Other than in your awesome story, I noticed that in Majisuka Gakuen Yuko's character (also called Oshima Yuko, of course) sang an AKB ballad.

So much Kojiyuu in this chapter! And a sweet little bit of Atsumina. I really like how Takamina only allowed Acchan to sing.  :heart:  Yuko and Miichan tried to troll Atsumina, but the tables were swiftly turned on Yuuchan by master troll Mariko.  :lol:  And you sneakily incorporated a bit of Saeyaka. I loved how the cheerful Sae is oblivious to her teammates gossiping behind her back.

Speaking of AKB48 pairings, Chiyuu is so heartbroken when she thinks the other Tomomi said that they aren't close enough to be “put together” by their teammates. Itano needs to work on her people skills! Honestly, Chiyuu might seem like the type who is enamored by the first handsome face to come along (at least based on how hard she fangirls over almost everyone in danso  XD ). If you ever write anymore Tomotomo one-shots based in this setting, maybe you should explore Chiyuu finding someone other than her Tomomi attractive... And Itano getting possessive. It just seems like something the two might do.

The best part of this chapter was when Yuko's life flashed before her eyes (of course Kojiharu’s butt, skin, Kojiharu’s skin, Kojiharu’s chest are among the things she treasures most) and Kojiharu runs faster than she ever has to save her squirrel. Speaking of which, does Yuko only like lingerie when its on attractive women?  :lol: I also liked the way Yuko suddenly called Harunyan “Kojima-san” after the other saved Yuuchan.

And the Kojiyuu kiss!  :inlove:

By the way (even assuming this is nothing like the real military) 23 is a far too young age to be a Major.  XD

(P.S. Just noticed that you've ended every chapter thus far with the obligatory “Yuuchan, language!”)

Offline Divine Vengeance

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #311 on: November 16, 2012, 08:13:04 PM »
Thanks again for reviewing! This has definitely brightened my very tiresome morning XD

I dunno how it works in Majisuka, but in RIVER... let's pretend that Aki-P is still a lyrical genius aside from being a general and that our girls still sing songs every now and then? And even if they're not performing and living out the constant idol-life, they're still raking in some big bucks to help fund Mayu's explosions their military expeditions :nervous
Yes, this is a very shoddy answer because someone didn't put too much thought into that :sweatdrop: Sorry!

For the record, nobody out-trolls Maritroll :lol:

Also, thanks for the TomoTomo idea! I had intended to write a non-RIVER TomoTomo fic, but that died somewhere. Your idea seems nice though, so hopefully I'll have time/inspiration to get it out :thumbsup

And yes, age and ranking are very somewhat skewed here. I tried to portray the AKB military as more informal, so certain things aren't as restricted/regulated (and provides more literary freedom).
Also, I just wanted to make our wonderful General Manager (though this was written before that particular promotion XD) more epic and in charge by being a cut above everyone else :nervous
I hope further unrealistic aspects of this don't turn you off too much, so to speak :sweatdrop:

Anyways, I'm glad that you're enjoying all that KojiYuu at least XD I think it's more of Yuko liking women in general if some shows are anything to go by, but lingerie is a bonus :lol: Don't let Kojiharu catch her in any act of expressing that like though.

All in all, thank you again for taking the time to write this review. I really appreciate it! :twothumbs
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Offline Majijo.Soul

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #312 on: November 16, 2012, 08:34:20 PM »
Thanks again for reviewing! This has definitely brightened my very tiresome morning XD

I dunno how it works in Majisuka, but in RIVER... let's pretend that Aki-P is still a lyrical genius aside from being a general and that our girls still sing songs every now and then? And even if they're not performing and living out the constant idol-life, they're still raking in some big bucks to help fund Mayu's explosions their military expeditions :nervous
Yes, this is a very shoddy answer because someone didn't put too much thought into that :sweatdrop: Sorry!

For the record, nobody out-trolls Maritroll :lol:

Also, thanks for the TomoTomo idea! I had intended to write a non-RIVER TomoTomo fic, but that died somewhere. Your idea seems nice though, so hopefully I'll have time/inspiration to get it out :thumbsup

And yes, age and ranking are very somewhat skewed here. I tried to portray the AKB military as more informal, so certain things aren't as restricted/regulated (and provides more literary freedom).
Also, I just wanted to make our wonderful General Manager (though this was written before that particular promotion XD) more epic and in charge by being a cut above everyone else :nervous
I hope further unrealistic aspects of this don't turn you off too much, so to speak :sweatdrop:

Anyways, I'm glad that you're enjoying all that KojiYuu at least XD I think it's more of Yuko liking women in general if some shows are anything to go by, but lingerie is a bonus :lol: Don't let Kojiharu catch her in any act of expressing that like though.

All in all, thank you again for taking the time to write this review. I really appreciate it! :twothumbs

I'm very happy to have brightened your day! And actually, General Akimoto writing songs for the girls to preform at fundraisers is not a bad explanation. :yep: Its also funny how you wrote in your story of Takamina getting promoted from Captain to General Manager Major before her AKB promotion actually happened. You predicted the future.  XD  The unrealistic aspects don't bother me (and the other readers, I'm sure) at all.  :D

Iwake-Mariko sunglasses enchance the troll-effect.  8)2

The Tomotomo idea actually came to me because of the way the two are characterized in your story + combined with the way Kasai actually acts.

Kojiyuu in this fanfic is so entertaining. I love it!  :heart:




Offline cisda83

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #313 on: November 19, 2012, 12:34:05 PM »
Just Joining

Keep up the good work and looking forward to the next chapter

Thank you for interesting fanfic

Great Happy Ending for everyone :twothumbs :twothumbs :twothumbs

Offline Majijo.Soul

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #314 on: November 27, 2012, 08:58:50 PM »
Sorry for the long absence. I meant to post a few days ago, but got sidetracked.

Chapter 4 (New RIVER lyrics: Hey Gay Beeeees~ / Hate Bay Peeeeeps~ / Eight Cane Beeeeans~  To Fort Hate!)

I know I've said this before, but this chapter is hilarious right from the very beginning.  :lol:  Sayaka talking to herself really cracks me up. You know a fanfic is brilliant when it starts a chapter off with a sentiment like “mating feces!”. I can't stop laughing about the comments on Mayu and Yuki's relationship. But really this monologue is just Sayaka missing the others. She's the type of person who really cares for her teammates, one of the many qualities that makes her such an excellent Captain. Damn the management for taking away the captaincy of my team K oshimen.

But of course, the real highlight of this chapter are the nicknames which the rather incompetent enemy gives the AKB team. Although “Hey Gay Bees” is a pretty fitting name, I must admit.  :lol:  But I can't help feeling a little sorry for the dimwitted Private Derupu of the Marshmallow Squad  :? as she is swiftly dispatched by Sayaka. She'll never get that double shower time.

Also, I like how you characterize Sae's cheerful personality. Her energetic and slightly childish behavior is at contrast with her ikemen face. I love the way she calls Sayaka “Cap'n”. I find it endearing that she's using Akimoto's official designation in such an informal way. The way Sae gets Sayaka to lighten up with her exaggeratedly dignified imitation before the Captain can chastise her is a perfect characterization of the Team K duo. Twin Towers forever!  :heart:  May you long hide in the bushes together, if ya know what I mean.

Mayuyu admires the killer rack of Yukirin in the heat of battle. Takamina would so rather be in Acchan's vest, of course. These girls never stop flirting, do they? But you explained the reason why AKB team is so lighthearted even in tough combat situations – it's because they have the Major Midget to rely on, who takes the stress for them. Speaking of which, a lot of pressure is put on the real Takamina to carry AKB48. After all, she's been a top senbatsu member since the very first AKB single, not to mention the unofficial captain. And after becoming the official captain of Team A, she gets another promotion. I'm glad Takahashi didn't take Aki-P's offer to become a member of the management. As she herself said, Takamina is still an idol! And now they want to do the same thing with Yuko, making her the captain in Team K in addition to the center and top-ranked member. The management puts too much pressure on the shoulders of one or two members!  :smhid

Sorry for getting off track. Continuing with my review...

You gave a great description of Yuuchan's happiness at seeing Kojiharu. “Dimples appeared on her face” is short and sweet, but very cute. And how does Mariko manage to stay flawless when the others are caked in dirt and twigs? And why does Mari-troll have a tooth-pick?  8)2

This chapter almost ended with “Yuuchan, language!”. But not quite, since the grenade-obsessed cyborg intruded.

I'd love to see more Twin Towers one-shots! They really compliment each others personalities, both in real-life and especially in this story.   :deco:

Offline Divine Vengeance

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #315 on: November 28, 2012, 03:19:34 AM »
It's good to hear from you again! I thought you got bored or died because of idols or something :panic:

I'm really glad to hear that you really liked the Twin Towers in this chapter. I wasn't too sure what to do with their characterizations 'cause I didn't know them enough when I wrote this fic, so I just went with my intuition on their personalities. It's good to know that you like the dynamic I gave them here :twothumbs
I used to have a SaeYaka RIVER one-shot idea floating around, but it got scrapped because of a lack of inspiration, interest, and time, but we'll see if it decides to come back :nervous

Anyways, I don't think Private Derupu ever stood a chance against our lovely gay bees (I still can't believe I wrote that and it's been so long :banghead:). They're all just too skilled and under Takamina's leadership, there's no losing.
Unfortunately, like you said, management really likes piling on duties to specific members. WMidgets seem really tired to me lately :( Here's to supporting them and the burden they carry! If they ever want a personal attendant for free, I'm here!

Back on track, thanks again for writing such a detailed comment! I'm sincerely very grateful for the effort you're putting into this. It's always a great reassurance to know someone is picking up on all the things going on, especially in faster moving settings with so many characters. It seems none of the OTPs and their antics missed your eye :lol:
Thank you once more for this! :twothumbs

And... just don't question Maritroll's badassery.
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Offline mae

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #316 on: November 29, 2012, 06:49:21 PM »
great fic i love kojiyuu moment ;)

Offline Majijo.Soul

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #317 on: December 03, 2012, 09:05:49 PM »
It's good to hear from you again! I thought you got bored or died because of idols or something :panic:

I'm really glad to hear that you really liked the Twin Towers in this chapter. I wasn't too sure what to do with their characterizations 'cause I didn't know them enough when I wrote this fic, so I just went with my intuition on their personalities. It's good to know that you like the dynamic I gave them here :twothumbs
I used to have a SaeYaka RIVER one-shot idea floating around, but it got scrapped because of a lack of inspiration, interest, and time, but we'll see if it decides to come back :nervous

Anyways, I don't think Private Derupu ever stood a chance against our lovely gay bees (I still can't believe I wrote that and it's been so long :banghead:). They're all just too skilled and under Takamina's leadership, there's no losing.
Unfortunately, like you said, management really likes piling on duties to specific members. WMidgets seem really tired to me lately :( Here's to supporting them and the burden they carry! If they ever want a personal attendant for free, I'm here!

Back on track, thanks again for writing such a detailed comment! I'm sincerely very grateful for the effort you're putting into this. It's always a great reassurance to know someone is picking up on all the things going on, especially in faster moving settings with so many characters. It seems none of the OTPs and their antics missed your eye :lol:
Thank you once more for this! :twothumbs

And... just don't question Maritroll's badassery.

Again, I'm sorry for the long absence. I've been very busy lately, but hopefully I'll post my next chapter review soon.  8)

Your first comment made me laugh so hard.  :lol:  Also, I'm really glad that hearing from me makes you happy.

All the members have very unique personalities, but both of the Twin Towers are especially great. I love it how each team has a pair with a perfect dynamic (Atsumina and Mayuki as well as Saeyaka).   :heart:   I will be unbelievably happy to read a Saeyaka RIVER one-shot. I don't know what your original idea was, but maybe you should make it Super-woman Sayaka trying to train a younger cadet Sae to be less clumsy. After much frustration Sayaka finally gives up on a lost cause, but then Sae manages to truly impress her captain.  XD 

The idol world is an unfair one.  :(  All fans can do is love and support them (in the case of foreign fans, from afar!).

Thank you for the compliment. This fanfic is too good for someone not to review it in depth.   :twothumbs

By the way, if each character had an emoticon...

Maritroll:  8)2
Yuuchan:  :grin:
Harunyan:  Somewhere between :catglare: and  :cathappy:
« Last Edit: December 03, 2012, 10:35:51 PM by Majijo.Soul »

Offline Majijo.Soul

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  • In the eyes of an idol, shed tears turn to stars.
Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #318 on: December 04, 2012, 05:37:46 PM »
Chapter 5 (Where the real hardcore action begins!)

You've had some great chapter beginnings, but chapter 5 was undoubtedly the most memorable to me the first time I read this fic. You incorporated the RIVER lyrics perfectly into the dialogue. And I also love how adhere to the PV scenes, like the epic river crossing that is the song's focal point, but give it a more personal touch with the lively personalities of each girl.  :twothumbs

Seeing how the soldiers act under duress is interesting, but you always manage to put a cute little comment for each pairing (like Mayu clinging on Yuki, the way Kasai calls Itano 'Tomochin', and how Kojiharu worries for Yuuchan). Crossing the river is clearly a much greater challenge for the WMidgets, both of whom probably aren't tall enough to ride some roller coasters.  :lol:  Their poor ace, extrodinary as she is, may also not be up to the challenge. IRL Acchan said that she was scared of swimming after almost drowning once. Again, it's very interesting how you mirror actual personalities of the members but add special traits to make them seem more like soldiers. Also, all three Captains are really serious in these scenes. I can imagine their stony 'maji' expressions, especially Sayaka.

So it's the fault of Colonel Bitchzilla that the helicopter spotted our Gay Bees? A coincidence? I think not!  :angry:

This chapter shows some facets to your characters we haven't seen yet. For one, even the 'ever-composed' Mari-troll panics slightly. Secondly, the my-paced Harunyan unexpectedly stands up to put the Colonel in her place. I agree with Yuuchan: “Go Nyan-nyan!”  :twothumbs

These next few scenes have some intense action, and they also have the first time a character gets hurt. Some people were probably unhappy that their beloved characters got hurt, but I think it's rather more realistic than having AKB team come out completely unscathed. But the suddenness of Erena's near-fatal injury is a bit shocking. The blood flowing through the river makes for evocative imagery.

Another striking moment was when Takamina finally decided to retreat, and the Major and First Lieutenant Acchan called each other by their official designations. I would have also liked you to describe how they were staring at each other – and if Minami actually saw what Acchan was planning as she looked into the eyes of her ace. Atsuko must have done a great job hiding it if her midget didn't realize until it was too late!

Acchan going to finish the impossible mission by herself was really admirable. So far you had shown what excellent teamwork she had with Takamina, but nothing to indicate why the team considered her their top member. This really proved once and for all that Maeda Atsuko is the ace of of AKB48.
« Last Edit: December 14, 2012, 03:33:41 PM by Majijo.Soul »

Offline Divine Vengeance

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Re: [Complete] R I V E R – Extra IV - B – (9/13/12)
« Reply #319 on: December 05, 2012, 05:13:45 AM »
What's a RIVER fic without the song's lyrics showing up somewhere? XD And you definitely need a badass river crossing attempt :lol:

Once again, I'm really glad that you're picking up on all the little things like interactions between our soldiers. It's really a blessing to know that you're not missing all the little OTP things I snuck in XD I also like how you picked up that fact about Acchan vs water that I took from reality.
Overall, my goal in writing AU fics is to keep the basic cores of characters/people while seeing how the different setting would change them and their interactions with each other, which is why we get to see details from reality reflected in our idols while having some slight adjustments and twists here and there more befitting of RIVER :twothumbs

The ultimate goal of this chapter was to show that shiz was going down, so your reaction to poor Erepyon, everyone's increased panic/tension/stress, and the Major-Ace duo's change in attitude is well noted.
Regarding the latter's eye contact, Takamina probably anticipated that Acchan would want to do something to salvage the situation but hoped that the ace would obey her strict order. Too bad someone's future wife is more stubborn than the major :rofl: With that said, Takamina might have been able to see more during that staredown, but you don't exactly get to have an eye-argument when you have a bleeding comrade and the threat of returning choppers :nervous

Thank you once more for your insight and lengthy review. I really appreciate the effort and thought you have put into this, and I look forward to the next review! :twothumbs
If you're busy, no pressure at all XD

P.S. I apologize if I made little to no sense in this reply. As of right now, I am absolutely braindead and dying of exhaustion so my coherence is even more lacking than usual :bleed eyes:
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