Chapter 1: The hilarious (and epic) beginning (
or first strike of the “Egubitch”, and introduction of the endlessly running joke “Yuuchan, language!”)
As promised, my review of your story! I've said it before, but I must say it again: A military themed AKB48 fanfiction, complete with military ranks, is a brilliant idea! A school-type setting, or something such, is the best way to manage a large cast like this one. But the fact you tied it in with the mission featured in RIVER makes it double-awesome. This story takes you in right from the beginning. I read all the chapters in one sitting, and still wished there was more.
So, to business...
Kojiyuu is an enduring favorite among all the AKB48 pairings. I loved how you characterized the two of them, especially the “Yuuchan, language!”. That's the biggest fan favorite joke in this whole fic. I love Yuko's swearing, and how she only lets her Nyan-Nyan school her language. And the way Kojiharu doesn't let anyone make fun of her Yuko.
The flirtatious insults between Captain Yukirin and the grenade-happy cyborg are perfect as well.
Also, the perfect teamwork between
Captain Major Takamina and ace Acchan is spot-on. I really can imagine the two of them coordinating their attacks perfectly. Also, is sunglasses-wearing Mariko a reference to Iiwake Maybe? Because I can't recall her wearing sunglasses in the RIVER PV.
As others commented, this is the first time I've ever seen Eguchi Aimi featured in a fanfiction. And she's a monumental bitch.
Since all of your major cast are AKB/SKE, using her for the mean character is pretty genius (because it doesn't hate on any real member, and it still uses someone who's actually part of the AKB universe). Now, no matter how elite our sixteen member unit is, they can't be expected to abide by the will of Egubitch and complete the objective. But it did make for one brief, emotional moment as the group huddle together for support and reassurance.
Also, Jurina's real-life attitude makes her seem like she would make a very “gung-ho” soldier who wouldn't back down from even an impossible challenge. But your characterization of her showing fear at the appropriate moment is better – she is, after all, the youngest among the AKB team. In addition, I loved how you both began and ended the chapter with “Yuuchan, language!”
One noticeable grammar error I saw was in this sentence: “Kasai Tomomi bit her lip as she took sent a few branches falling to the ground, hitting soldiers underneath”. It probably should be “Kasai Tomomi bit her lip as she took aim and sent a few branches falling to the ground, hitting soldiers underneath”.
My favorite quotes:
' A nod from Takamina signaled to Yuko that it was time to advance. The squirrel prodded Miichan and Kojiharu and gave a quick jerk of her head. “Here’s for hitting my hair earlier, mother fuckers,” Yuko growled as she shot one last time at the enemy.
Kojiharu raised her hand to give Yuko a quick bonk on the head. “As much as I treasure your hair too, you really need to watch your language, Yuuchan.”
Miichan opened her mouth with a devious grin, but before she could make any comments, Kojiharu sent her a smack as well. “No making fun of my Yuko.” '
' Jurina gripped her rifle tightly, fear evident on her face. Yuko moved next to her and quietly put a reassuring hand on the youngest girl’s shoulder. Despite this, Yuko herself was scared although she hid it by gripping Kojiharu’s hand tightly.
Chiyuu discreetly looped her arm through Tomochin’s. Instead of pulling away as she usually would, Itano merely pulled the other Tomomi closer. The rest of the group also visibly shifted closer to each other for support. '
' “Weeeeellllllllll…” Yuko dragged out, “FUCK.”
There was a dull smacking sound.
“Yuuchan, language!” '
(There is more review to come! I didn't have many suggestions for this chapter, because this fic is just so perfect.)