My notes:
- "Normal sentences" are talks. "Italic sentences" are thoughts, imaginations, or dreams.
- Before you read this, I would like to say that I'm sorry if you find some mistakes in this fic or this fic doesn't work the way you've expected. I don't want to use this as an excuse, but I admit this fic is a product of rushed work overnight.
- I don't know what to say again. The atmosphere in AKB's fandom is sure still full of angst and horrors, though it is (probably) slowly reducing now.
Temporary Missing LinkPairing: W Matsui (Matsui Rena x Matsui Jurina) “Rena-chan! Rena-chan!”I turned my head to your familiar sound calling me, right in the middle of Team S’s training, and effectively breaking the dynamics of the session that evening. The accompanying music from the speakers was still there playing, but only to accompany the clueless standing people because of me suddenly stopping.
I wasn’t aware of the broken flow, as I turned my head everywhere, to every direction where your voice was most likely to come from. I even needed to be snapped out several times by Kumi-chan’s shake on my left shoulder.
“Rena-chan, why did you stop?” I could see Kumi-chan’s confused, but worried expression.
“I heard Jurina-chan calling me! Did you see her?!” I squeezed her shoulders with my hands, desperately wanting the answer of your whereabouts.
“Jurina? What are you talking about, Rena-chan?”
Honestly, I was surprised when Kumi-chan said that. How could she be so ignorant about your presence in SKE? Had she been stop caring about you?
“What did you say, Kumi?! How dare you speak like that!” I shook her shoulders even harder. The other members immediately ran into us to break my outburst.
“Calm down, Rena-chan! Don’t hurt Kumi!” I heard Yuria-chan begging me to stop, but I brushed her off.
“Please stop, Rena-chan!” this time it’s Kana-chan’s voice. Still, brushing it off.
That outburst was surely to be getting more intense, if only I didn’t hear someone saying..
“Jurina is not here right now!”
I froze at my spot, my hands still attached to Kumi-chan’s shoulders.
“Jurina is in Tokyo now. She’s in Team K now!” Yuuka-chan’s words reminded me. Simple, but sharp.
I looked at Yuuka-chan’s direction. She looked sad, as if she understand the angsty atmosphere inside the whole training room. It was the atmosphere created by our major angst since your temporary departure to our sister group. Dark.
“Okay, why don’t we have some rest?!” suggested Rika-chan in the midst of this breakdown. “We’re surely tired currently. A little bit of rest should make us better.”
And so, the training session was forcefully dismissed. But most of the people were still not leaving as they surrounded me.
“Gomenasai~” my voice cracked. “... Kumi-chan.”
Kumi-chan didn’t show me any signs of being offended. She even held my hands tight.
“It’s okay, Rena-san. Let’s sit somewhere there, shall we?”
“Can I.. have a moment on my own? I want to.. sit alone for a while.”
“Wakatta~” Kumi smiled understandingly, and let me sat down on an empty bench.
Shortly later, Mizuki approached me and passed a bottle of water, while saying..
“If you need something, just call us Rena-chan.” she sounded so reassuringly, before she and Kumi walked away from this single-occupied bench.
I was always glad of the fact that I’m surrounded by such caring friends like them. Maybe because we, as well as you, had been together since day one in SKE that the camaraderie had been solidly built for the lengthy time of 3.5 years approximately. Yes, it was solidly built... until Day 2 at the SSA concert.
「Matsui Jurina from SKE48 Team S is to join AKB48 Team K」
No words spoken from me the moment the announcement came up in the middle of our fatigue after our string of performances.
Just tears and a broken heart.
-----||-----
「Matsui Jurina from SKE48 Team S is to join AKB48 Team K」
Those words were still ringing so loud inside my mind, even after multiple days.
Yes, Team S still got the joys. We still had the laughs. We still had the strong bond.
But it’s definitely not the same anymore.
Though my agitations and anxiety had been calmed when knowing that you would fill two posts, AKB and SKE, this fact undoubtedly also created a new pair of those nouns. A new wave of anxiety slowly but sure filled me in the form of anxious wonders about how long would you be in Team K. Because I knew the decision of moving you temporarily could also change in the future.
Would you return to SKE? Or ~I was afraid of this possibility~ would you keep being in AKB?
You had no idea how I was so afraid of the latter option. So afraid that I tend to get agitated each time I thought about it.
I was weak, wasn’t I?
I looked around the training room once again from where I sit. I could see the others right there, some of them were sitting on the floor, some of them were playing around chasing each other. The amount of serious faces was in balance with the amount of the unserious faces.
All Team S, except you, were present this day: Kumi-chan, Yuria-chan, Yukko-chan, Kana-chan, Yuuka-chan, Akisun, Haa-chan, Rumi-chan, Mizuki, Akarin, Shiitan, Rika-chan the captain, and me. Almost all personnel of our team.
I could see your shadows between the people right there, hugging and kissing randomly like you always do in our spare time. So random that it sometimes made me so deadly jealous of it.
Unconsciously, my own fingers touched my cheeks, tracing the surface you had sneakily pushed your lips onto. I knew I often avoid your kisses until recently.
But I didn’t know why, I felt so horrible when I think about it. It’s strange for me to say this, but I regretted all of those avoidances I did. If only I knew you would finally move, I would offer these cheeks as much as you wanted.
Unconsciously, those fingers also met on the lips of mine, the very same lips that you’ve planted a kiss on it years ago. For precisely, a surprise attack known as my first kiss. Stolen for good by you. I should be blushing now if I remember that, but I couldn’t. The reddish color that was supposed to spread on my cheeks, was spreading on my eyes.
Now I sat with my arms wrapped around my legs. I buried my face on my knees. Without I became unaware of it, drops of tears had marred this face of mine. I cried again, thus explaining the red eyes.
You see, Jurina-chan? The anxiety had crawled up into myself again. I couldn’t stop it... the anxiety rubbing on me, as well as my flowing tears.
I... missed you already.
-----||-----
I remembered... I tried to embrace you as tight as possible right after that announcement.
I couldn’t think of anything but the fear of losing you. It’s all about being afraid again...
Deep down, my heart was shouting protests.
“Why did you let Jurina-chan go?!!” -
“Why did you break Jurina-chan and SKE?!!”But most importantly...
“Why did you separate Jurina-chan from me?!!”For a while, I felt very down.
I was sure the other SKE members also felt the same that they approached us later, forming a tight circle that surrounded us as the origin. I felt we, your fellow teammates, all shared the same feelings towards you and the announcement.
We’ve already seen with our own eyes since the start that you always rocked the stages as SKE’s center, a position that most of us wanted so much. We’ve long realized you’re one of the very dominant forces that determined the big steps SKE had done. Surely, we knew that most of us wanted to fill the void you made and we would be hypocrites if we said we didn’t want that position. On the other side, we would also be such hypocrites if we said we wanted you to go.
No one! No one in SKE wanted you to go! I could guarantee that, Jurina-chan.
This, my mind believed that, as well as believing you would leave SKE for good.
And this put me again in a flood of tears. Again, I mumbled about me crying. I was really weak indeed.
Yes, sometimes being a non-hypocrite also hurts, especially if there was a serious change of tides coming to you.
But somehow in my eyes, you looked so ready. When you finally, gently, untied the embrace from all of us, that moment I thought you had found a way to cross the changing tides. Seriously, in my opinion you looked so cool, yet in the same time that coolness of yours saddened me a lot more.
Because that coolness was emanating more from your leaving figure. You walked away from us, showing us your tough back that followed your stepping feet.
I needed someone that I could hold, so that I didn’t fall after watching you. Finally hugged the also brokenhearted Akane-san though, and both of us didn’t stop crying that time. I believed that fallen tears we had had just shown the people out there of how special you were to us.
You stepped forward without hesitation, and without further ado you greeted the audience by saying...
「as Team S and Team K member」.
Jurina-chan, why did you accept it so readily? Were you that ready to leave us?
Were you that ready to leave me here?
Again, I finally knew this would be temporary, but the shock was still too great for me to bear. I would repeat this.. I was really weak indeed.
I couldn’t imagine what would you do if you see me like this?
Would you scold me? Would you look down on me?
I was sorry if I ever led you to the thought that I was stronger than you.
Maybe most of the time I was strong, but not this certain time.
I rubbed my eyes to wipe all the tears right now, in vain.
Gomenasai~ Jurina-chan.
-----||-----
It’s strange.. your shadow in the middle of the other members hadn’t vanished. Your shadow looked solid as if it was the real you over there. Strange, odd.
You suddenly looked at myself sitting here. You permitted to everyone there and separated yourself from that group of people. You walked towards me, with a confused expression on your face.
“Rena-chan, what are you doing here alone?”I lifted my head up to you and broke the hug on my knees. Ah~ now you could see my wet face, I was so embarrassed. For the umpteenth time I should say gomenasai again to you.
But you kept getting closer to me, then lowering your body, and then reaching out your hands to cup my sticky cheeks. This inevitably made me blushing so hard, even harder when your left and right thumb rubbed those eyes respectively. Your touch was so soft, yet strong that it succeeded holding back the runny tears.
“Please don’t cry anymore.”Those simple words resonated deep in me. I knew all along you didn’t like seeing me getting tearful.
“Yet you’re worrying about me, don’t you?” you asked suddenly. I only stared at you, not knowing the right words to answer you.
You initiatively sat right beside me on the same bench, then leaned your head to my shoulder. I grabbed both my lap with my hands, my head hung down. I saw the cold floor.
“You’re worry because you’ve seen my recent condition. You’re worry because you’re afraid of me collapsing again, don’t you?”I still didn’t answer, but you could read my mind. You’re so sharp.
“I’ve been chosen for this opportunity.” you started speaking up your mind.
“I admit it’s bewildering at first, but now I’m more than willing to grab the opportunity laid down in front of me. I knew the extra burden that would come, but no... I won’t give up.”Sugoi~ Jurina-chan. You’re definitely ready from the start. Hontou ni sugoi. Amazing.
“Anyway, I’m sure my senpais in Team K would treat me properly. They’ve known me as well as I knew them before this decision, so it’s going to be okay. After all, it’s just me filling two posts at the same time, also temporary only..”You reminded me that you’re also still in Team S. How forgetful I was.
“Shortly said, in between us... it’s just a temporary missing link.”A temporary missing link...
”You know Rena-chan, the more I think about it, I realize there shouldn’t be any reason for you to cry like this, isn’t it?”That question took me aback for a while. Yes, that’s true.
“And above all that... yes, I love SKE’s Team S, that’s certain! Nothing can change that. Definitely. Don’t you question that anymore.”That’s so reassuring. We in Team S also loved you, that’s also certain. You too, don’t you question our feelings for you anymore.
We took a long pause. I enjoyed the remaining seconds when you leaned on my shoulder.
And in a sudden you stood up from your position, ready to leave me again. Oh Kamisama, I suddenly panicked again that my lips opened itself again with an impromptu question.
“Wait, Jurina-chan! How about me? How do you feel towards me?”You stopped when I could only see your back. You turned around once again, stepping back to my front. Without wasting any more time, your face slowly moved closer to my face. Eh~? I was asking for your answer, not this.
In anticipation, I closed my eyes, awaiting if you would finally do that to me.
I could feel the proximities between us are closing. Getting so close that our foreheads finally touched each other, as well as our breaths that finally crashed each other. Your breath was so warm, Jurina-chan.
Three inches... two inches... one inch...
.
.
No! Nothing happened but you cupping my left cheek with your right hand. But your forehead still sticking onto mine! Within that distance, you only said this,
“Let’s have a proper talk next time, Rena-chan. Let’s do our KataFai scene again in the future. Or you would prefer us doing KumiNon’s scene, or MatsuChuri’s scene?”You... jailbait!
My eyes bugged out of surprise.
Kids today.. were so dangerous indeed. Sometimes I forgot that I’m in love with a 1st grade highschooler.
You ran from me with the same naughty smile that had been always hanging on your lips.
“Jaa ne, Rena-chan. Ittekimasu!” that was your last sentence.
I chuckled myself looking at the space she occupied just before she vanished for real. What could I say about this? Jurina-chan, that person.
I was sunk into the next long pause after that, thinking about you and the spirits you’ve just resonated straight to me.
It was until someone reached out her hand to me. I lifted my head. It’s Kumi-chan!
“Rena-chan. Let’s practice again.” asked her. I could see the smile on her face, pretending that she didn’t know all the outburst I did earlier.
From the center of the training room, I could see the other members looking at me with hope in their eyes and welcoming smiles on their lips.
“Rena-chan.. practice is about to start. You’re joining us, aren’t you?” asked Rika-chan.
I must respond them. I must not make them disappointed. Yes, I also knew Jurina-chan won’t be happy seeing me disappointing our original teammates.
“Mmm...” I nodded, then walked to their direction, guided by Kumi-chan’s hand that held me.
We’re not alone, just as same as you in Team K, Jurina-chan. This was the fact.
The fact that made my smile appeared again, along with my renewed spirits.
So let’s work harder together, Team S!
Let’s work harder together, Jurina-chan!
-----||-----
Heads up, Jurina-chan.
Maybe you’ve seen it in my blog, if you ever stumble onto it.
But even though, I want Jurina to know that when she will come back, I will greet her with a smile 「Welcome home」,「Thank you for coming back to us」.
That sentence, truthfully, was still incomplete. An incomplete, toned-down sentence.
But definitely not a mistake.
I just didn’t write the rest of the sentence because I wanted only you to know these words. Not other people, not even our teammates. Just you... and myself.
I might have texted you or write you a letter, in which the completed sentence was supposed to be written like this...
But even though, I want Jurina to know that when she will come back,
I will be the first one to greet her with a smile 「Welcome home」, 「Thank you for coming back to us」.
But even though, I want Jurina to know that when she will come back,
I will be the first one to tighten the embrace to her 「We miss you so much」, 「Thank you for being here... for us」.
But even though, I want Jurina to know that when she will come back,
I will be the first one to throw away the deprivation of her warm lips. 「I love you so much」, 「Thank you for being here... for me」.
... but no. I still didn’t have the courage to do so right now. Maybe next time.
Bitter, it’s bitter.
Ah~ speaking about those completed lines of words earlier... they sounded unprofessional, weren’t they?
Gomenasai~ Jurina-chan...
-----< E N D >-----
The story is based on the translation of Rena’s blog entry found in this link...
http://sakaeandfrog.tumblr.com/post/19864588985/rena-morning-entry-march-25th-about-jurinaAll credits to
sakaeandfrog. Thank you very much!
So on a more darker note, I took the idea from Jurina's rental transfer news. It was surely shocking for us, but now apparently it really really pales in comparison with the news that most of us believe to be the biggest shocking news in the whole AKB fandom: the true center (read: Acchan)'s graduation. Most of my thoughts have been well delivered by other authors (in their respective threads) that also feel this huge loss.
So I would just write this:
"To other authors that are still currently working on their ongoing AtsuMina fics or fics with Acchan as one of its characters, please don't stop midway. You're free to mourn Acchan's departure as long as you want, but I believe most of us, as well as me and yourselves (as readers) still want to see your stories end in a proper way. If you want to, you can still keep Acchan in your works as many as you want it to be in the future. Fanfics are basically our written fantasies, so I believe we're free to write everything in it, if we want to. Minna ganbarou!!"I'm sorry. My words aren't that good, are they?
I don't mean to patronize anyone. They're just what I want to say at the moment. Sorry again.. and thank you so much...
Topic: aruka's OS Collection | Various pairings (Read 97922 times)