Ch.11 Best Friend’s Feelings
I didn’t intend to tell Airin what was going on let alone cry, but I couldn’t help myself. I was devastated and heartbroken among so many other things. Part of me couldn’t completely comprehend what just happened and refused to accept the fact that Jurina sweet wonderful Jurina had been lying to me.
She as just so kind and charming it seemed impossible. But it was true. I saw it with my own eyes. I would have to be a fool to deny the fact. My sobbing got louder as I thought more of this and Airin gently guided me inside her apartment still holding on to me. I should have been embarrassed, but I was too upset to care about such things at the moment.
“You should sit down. Do you want some tea?” Airin asked her face full of concern. I nodded weakly and collapsed in her brown sofa. I just wanted to disappear. When did things get so mess up and confusing? I should have kicked her out. I know I should have. Anyone else would have, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I guess at the end I was too gentle to think of doing such a thing. Just the thought of putting Jurina in the streets for her to face the vicious paparazzi made me feel guilty. Not that Jurina thought much about my feelings though. I shouldn’t care, but I did and that was what hurt the most. That I care and she didn’t care at all.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I knew it was Jurina, but it was too late for her explanations. It was far too late for us. We were to the point of no return. The saddest thing was that our relationship didn’t even last very long. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so upset, but graceful that I saved myself an even worst heartache if that was possible. That, however, wasn’t very reassuring. It wasn’t reassuring at all. Airin returned holding two cups of tea in her hand. She took the seat next to me and handed me a cup. I gave her a small grateful smile as I took the warm cup. I took a sip feeling the soothing warm liquid calm my senses.
It wasn’t much, but it made me feel slightly better. I knew coming to Airi’s place was a good idea. She knew the best ways to calm me down and cheer me up. Airi’s face was suddenly serious and I knew what she was about to say something. “What in the world happened Rena?” Airi inquired. I could tell she was trying to give me space even though she was dying to know what was going on. She was worried. I could tell and it made me feel guilty.
I debated whether to tell her the truth or not, but decided to be half honest. If Airi found out what Jurina did I doubt she would help me keep her secret. I was a fool for helping Jurina keep her secret at this point, but I couldn’t help it. I knew that even though Jurina lied to me she really did want to start a new life. I couldn’t ruin it for her after watching her work so hard in keeping away from the public eye. No matter what she did it just didn’t feel right.
“I got two timed,” I mumbled while looking at the floor. Saying it made me feel ashamed almost as if I should have known better even though I knew it was illogical to think this way. It wasn’t my fault. There was no way I could have known. Especially since it seemed like Jurina didn’t even leave the house to begin with. There were no indicators whatsoever.
Airi looked very surprised her eyes the size of tennis balls. “E-Excuse me?” Airi blurted out completely taken aback by my sudden odd confession. I could tell she didn’t see it coming. I had never even told her I liked somebody let alone that I was dating someone. I hoped she wouldn’t be too angry because I kept this to myself. I responded with a nod and said, “I didn’t know she had a girlfriend and such…”
Airin instantly hugged me. I was taken aback since I expected her to be angry, but it felt nice and warm. I liked it. I felt like Airi was the sibling I never had. I knew I could always count on Airi to protect me and it made me happy. I was unsure of what to say to her. I wanted to thank her, but wasn’t sure how to word it. ”I-I didn’t even know you were in a relationship, but that’s awful. If I had you I would never do such a thing,” Airin whispered.
Her words were odd. My eyes widen as realization hit me. If I had you… Could it mean? No it couldn’t! Airi was like a sister to me! I shook the thought. I was going nuts. “I am sorry I didn’t tell you I just… It was recent. We weren’t together for long and then we bumped into her girlfriend in our first date. I would have told you. I would have…” my voice faded towards the end as guilt began to sink in once more.
Airi pulled away and clasped my hands. I began to feel nervous especially after her previous statement. I didn’t want to make much of it, but it was all pointing towards the wrong direction. Maybe it was because her touch seemed more intimate than normal or maybe it was the look in her eyes that I couldn’t decipher. Nonetheless something wasn’t right here and I didn’t know what to do or how to avoid what was going to happen next.
I guess I really couldn’t. Perhaps it was just inevitable. ”Look I been meaning to tell you and I know this is probably the worst timing possible, but I meant to tell you before when we had coffee, but then you took off… Well I guess that doesn’t mater anymore and I am just blabbering, but I really really really like you as more than a friend and I wish you would just consider that,” Airi stated her cheeks bright red and her eyes averted downwards.
Dread began to fill my body as I hear the words I hoped I wouldn’t hear from her. I love Airi. I do. Just not in the way she wanted me to and I could never play with her feelings. She wasn’t the one for me. I didn’t feel my heart beat faster near her nor butterflies in my stomach.
The thought of her smile didn’t brighten up my day nor did her eyes hold me captive once I took a look. She didn’t make me feel like Jurina made me feel even though I wanted her to. Even though it be better that way. She simply wasn’t Jurina. She was amazing in her own way, but she wasn’t the person I loved. Taking my silence as acceptance for her feelings she leaned in.
My eyes widen as I became aware of what she wanted to do and I moved back. Her eyes that seemed to have been in a trace awoken and they suddenly looked sad. She moved back. I resisted the urge in sigh in relief. It would seem to cruel, but I was relieved. I didn’t want to have to push her away. It would have been worst than this already bad predicament. This day felt like a bad joke.
“I am so so sorry Airin, but I don’t feel the same. I love you, but not in that way. Please understand I don’t want to hurt your feelings more than I have to. This is already painful enough knowing that I will never be able to return the feelings you have and that I am hurting you by not doing so,” I told her pain written all over my face. Airi seemed to sense this and gave me a sad smile. “I understand Rena,” She said.
Except I could see the pain in her eyes and I knew it wasn’t okay for me to stay there. I had to leave her by herself. I didn’t want her to have to pretend around me. Even though I didn’t want to face Jurina I had to leave. I stood up. “I am going home. I’ll text you later,” I told her. Airin looked panicked. “You can stay! I forget what I said! You should stay.” Airin blurted out. I smiled and shook my head. “I think it be best for you for me to leave and as your friend I want to do what is best.” With that said I left knowing that I would have to face Jurina back home.
…
I could hear Yuki knocking on my door, but I just didn’t have the strength to open it. I knew Yuki was worried, but the last thing I wanted to do was be with someone at the moment. I didn’t want anyone to see me in this moment where I felt so utterly humiliated. I didn’t want to have to explain my feelings or talk about them. I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry. That’s all. Jurina was cheating on me. I don’t think I really saw that one coming. I am not sure if it even crossed me mind. If it did it was something I dismissed right way. Jurina wasn’t like that or so I thought because now I knew that she was indeed like that.
I hugged my pillow tears escaping from my eyes again. The other girl was so pretty. So so pretty. Much prettier than me. I wondered if that was the person she was staying with. I wondered if the other girl knew I existed or if she was lied to by Jurina like I was. I don’t think she knew judging from her shock reaction. She seemed to be as much as a victim as I was.
Of course I couldn’t be one hundred percent sure, but her expression seem to mirror my own. I could instantly recognize the pain and betrayal in her eyes. Still I was envious of her. At least she wasn’t the one being replaced even though she was lied to. The fact that Jurina had another girl meant probably stopped loving me a long time ago and just didn’t know what to do about it.
It was more than just heartbreaking. It was as if my entire world was falling apart as the realization came to me. I wasn’t good enough. I would never be good enough. I knew this since the beginning though. How could I be suited to date not only such as beautiful, but such a wonderful person? There was nothing special about me other than my rich parents.
I suppose Jurina isn’t so wonderful if she cheated on me, but some part of me was still insecure. No all of me was insecure. I wasn’t good enough to be the only girl in her heart and it killed me so much. “Mayu let me in I am worried,” Yuki called from the door. I thought she left when I briefly heard the knocking stop, but I guess I was wrong.
I sighed. She even called me by my first name knowing that my mom might be around. She wasn’t going to go away. She was probably worried sick. I wouldn’t blame her. I hadn’t said a word since I yelled at Jurina and proceed to lock myself in my room after we got home. I got up my body feeling heavy and unlocked the door. I could tell Yuki was taken aback by my appearance. I was always so careful to look flawless even in the house, but know my eyeliner was straining my cheeks due to all my crying, my hair was all over the place, and my eyes were red. Yuki quickly closed the door behind her. I went back to my bed and got under my sheets.
I could tell Yuki was searching for the right words to say to cheer me up. When I saw her mouth open I thought she was going to try and cheer me up and tell me it will be okay, but instead she growled, “I could just kill her.” My eyes widen in shock surprised to be hearing such menacing words from a normally peaceful sweet girl. “Yuki?” I said in shock.
“I am sorry it’s just what she did it isn’t right! I just hate that she hurt you that way!” Yuki explained herself as if reading my mind. I gave her a small smile. “It was bound to happen though I mean we were already distant to began with and I mean I am not that great,” I said softly. Yuki looked frustrated for some reason and said, “Why are you excusing her after what she did?” I looked at her bewildered by her words.
Excusing her? I wasn’t excusing her. I was simply pointing out the facts which were clear: she was beautiful and I wasn’t. Beautiful people always dated equally flawless people. Of course I didn’t just mean it in a shallow way of course, but I wasn’t exactly very bright either or kind. I didn’t have much to often. If you removed the expensive clothing and make-up I was nothing, but a very normal dull girl. It was the facts. “I am not excusing her. I am just stating the truth. I am not that great. I am lucky she even agree to date me because I honestly have nothing to often nor in the beauty department nor in just personality,” I said her.
“I don’t know why you would think in such a way, but you deserve better Mayu,” Yuki told me clasping my hands. My heart suddenly began to pound under my chest. The look in her normally gentle kind eyes was intense and had another emotion I could quite pinpoint. Her eyes made me nervous. It almost felt like she could see my soul with her piercing gaze. Her eyes were beautiful though.
“Yuki…” her name slipped my lips as I looked at her slightly in awe. The look in her eyes changed almost as if reality crashed down on her and she looked embarrassed. Her hands slipped away from mine suddenly feeling cold with the lost of her warmth. She looked down suddenly not wanting to face me in spite the fact she been doing it before with no reserve.
I guess she had gotten embarrassed by her words and the matter in which she said them or just plain self conscious. I found it sweet though and touching. She really cared about me and just wanted me to be happy. She was the first person I met that didn’t just say she wanted me to be happy, but genuinely looked concerned and worried if it seemed like I wasn’t. She was always by my side making sure I was alright. I couldn’t be more happy to have someone like that in my life. If it weren’t for her I would still be sobbing alone in my bed. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel sad now, but I was no longer alone. And that was a lot.
“Thank you. You are really an amazing friend,” I said her voice grateful. She seemed to stiffen. I couldn’t quite see her face so I had no idea what she was thinking at all. ”I am not that great,” Yuki murmured her voice soft and sad. She sounded upset, but I couldn’t fathom why. I didn’t say anything that could upset her. At least not that I was aware of. I was only stating how important her friendship was to me. But then why did she look to heartbroken with my words?
“Why do you say that? You’re a great friend. You always stick by me in the hardest of times even when I haven’t been very kind to you. You are a good friend Yuki. Any friend that sticks with their friends through hard times is a good friend,” I reassured her. She was silent for a moment and then answered, “I don’t stick with you because I want to be a good friend or I am a good friend. I stick by you because I loved you. Before the entire meaning of her words could truly sink in she bolted out of the room leaving me stunned.
…
I knew it was dangerous to roam the streets this late regardless whether I was an ex model or not, but I couldn’t help it. I never felt so lost in my entire life. I know Rena told me that I didn’t have to move out, but I just felt like I was taking advantage of her at this point. I knew she didn’t want me around and that I hurt her, but she was too kind to kick me out. I suppose I should leave, but where would I go? I suppose I could go back home, but that would involve facing the media. I sighed. I guess I can’t keep running away.
Running away has only created a mess. I mean due to my cowardice I ended hurting both Rena and Mayu the only two people that had my back. I sighed and decided to head back to Rena’s apartment to get my stuff. I am moving out. Tonight. I couldn’t live with Rena and be in ease after knowing what I did to her. Maybe this was also me being a coward because I didn’t mind when she didn’t know what I did. I guess I was disgusting. I was walking back when I suddenly heard a shout.
“Matsui Jurina!”
I spun around to find myself surrounded by flashing flashes. For nearly half my life I was accustom to flashing lights, but now at this moment I had forgotten what it felt like. My hands instantly flew to cover my face. How in the world did they know?
“Matsui-san why did you quit?”
“Is it true you underwent plastic surgery?”
“Can we get a shot of your new look?”
I just froze unsure of what to do. I knew I should run, but my legs refused to move. I was bombarded with more questions, but it was all a blur to me. I thought I was going to faint. How did they find me? How? How? How? I worked in keeping my secret so hard. How did it get out? Is it possible Rena told somebody? No I refused to believe that. Rena was not like that.
She was not like that at all. Was she? I hurt her so much. Did she say something out of spite? Suddenly I felt a arm grab me and pull me away from the crowd of cameras that had surrounded me. I looked up in a daze. It was Rena. She was pulling me away saving me from the cameras.
She torn her jacket off and put it in my face covering my face. “Get really to run,” Rena whispered before we actually began running full speed.