The Fanfic Rant Hole

[Estrea]

sounds like a case of burnout. In any case, life is really more than working and the internet (like I'm one to talk).

Ah yeah, burnout. That always sucks. I just feel so incredibly unenthusiastic about everything. Sigh.

Waning interest in a fandom is something we've all experienced- it doesn't mean we love it any less, we just end up being less involved in it. It doesn't sound like you want to stop writing, though. If you did, you wouldn't have even bothered to rant here.

Well that's true. I really want to continue, but there just isn't anything left in me to continue. I need a break. Haha.

At least you have identified what you feel you miss, or lack to write. Seems like the solution is clear- you just have to gather what you need and make it happen. Writing should be fun, Essy. It should be fun for yourself. Who cares that you have a million unfinished stories you feel lacking. Fanfic is your expression of love for the fandom and a generous dose of self-indulgence. Do whatsoever you wish, take however long you want. Who cares if 15th-gen auditions for MM comes along?  Freeze this moment in time, disregard relevance and context and just write what you love best.

I think I really needed to hear that. Or technically, read that, see that, however you want. I need to feel in love again. Excitement. Perhaps a break will be good to recharge my senses.

Move on only on your own terms. Come on, realistically, we all can't be 30-somethings and still fangirling the same thing we used to a decade ago. So, as long as you still love it- don't miss the chance to show your love for it in your own way.

A decade ago I was obsessively lurking on FFnet and reading everything from slash to badly written straightfics. I was also into Neopets. *facepalms* Not an episode I'm proud of. But things haven't really changed that much...at least not between 5 years ago and now. Lol. One thing though, I still love to read even after all these years.

If your way is to lurk and imagine stories in your head, so be it. If you want to keep starting new threads, with new stories and not finish them, that's perfectly fine. If you want to delete every story you've ever written to start afresh, let me know first so I can save 'em somewhere on my harddrive.

Lmao at the last one. I'm not sure if I should be mildly horrified or just flattered. Possibly a combination of both.

(By the way, I attempted to read it away in the metaphorical sense you meant for it to have been read, but to no avail: did you just refer to yourself as an antique in my 28-year-old presence?)

I was referring to in fandom terms. 4 years and counting in H!P fandom (I'm sure rokun and others can boast a longer record) makes me feel old in comparison to the new incoming fans. Regardless of real age. Besides, antiques are charming! It isn't too bad to be...quaint.

[rndmnwierd]

Honestly, I don't know much about your real life situation. I don't know the things you're going through at home or work, so on that subject I can't really comment. But I do understand when you say you feel like your support group has moved on.

Having someone say, "Oh, you're still doing that?" makes me shrink back more than anything. Makes me feel like they're really saying, "Oh, you haven't grown out of that phase yet? Ho ho ho." Though I never really had a sounding board until recently, I don't know now if I would be able to go back to not having that person around for me to toss ideas at. Everything around here is changing, everyone is leaving and new people are coming in all the time. I'm always so awkward at getting to know new people, even in the anonymity of the internet.

I'm just ranting. What I'm trying to say is I understand your feelings, about writing, about posting, even if I'm not doing a very good job of being clear about that.

Ultimately, though I have always felt that writing is something that you do for yourself. I know I started so that I had some outlet on my feelings, some happy place I could go to when things got tough. Whether we say we want you to continue writing or we don't care if your stories are finished(though I would definitely like them to be >.<), we could say it a hundred times and never get through to you how awesome we think you are.

You start a story and have this idea and you spend months writing it, but in the process, you change, grow, your story doesn't seem quite right the way it used to. As a result of your ever changing human mind, new ideas are constantly going through. Gah, not making any sense! My head has been all jumbled recently.

I'm not going to tell you to keep writing. I'm not going to tell you to stop writing. What I am going to say is I'm your fan, Essy, so whatever you decide to do, I'll support you from my side of the world.

[Beecubed]

I won't say too much here, because I think the other very caring people before me have already said things very well...

or I pause and go "why would anyone care?".

T____________T

I guess Essy hasn't read any of my fangirly posts in her fanfic threads.  Time to CAPSLOCK!!!!

Shared excitement makes the whole experience more entertaining, and it's a genuine source of motivation.

SO TRUE.

For a writer yes, but for readers too. 
(e.g. Ropychan + Bee = FANGIRLING BONANZA ; grac joins, gets FANGIRLED LIKE NUTS AND BECOMES HIGHLY MOTIVATED - I hope. xD).

I feel like I'm trapped on a sinking ship and it just feels so hard trying to bail all the water out. And then there's a new ship with new crew out there. Not my generation anymore, for sure. I feel oddly out of place, an antique in a changing fandom that doesn't need an emo who doesn't update regularly.

If Essy needs this kind of motivation and the feeling of immediacy with a support group, I'm sure a lot of us here would be happy to join. We can all help to bail out the water with you, captain. Us new crew on our diamond-finish sparkling new ships aren't so cold-hearted as to leave a sinking ship when we see one, not when the captain of that ship happens to be somebody so well-loved and... legendary.  Actually, if you're feeling that insecure, how about you get off that irreparable ship of yours and come join us on ours? Don't be afraid! We ARE very cute and friendly, aren't we?  And we sure do need the experience and guidance that only somebody of your calibre can provide. ^__^

And just like Morning Musume; we still love and adore the OGs, don't we? We want to see them all the time, with each other, and especially with the new generations. So no matter what generations any one of us members fall under, we support each other. I hope we can all do the same for you. 

I feel like I'm missing something when I don't write.

You're a writer, plain and simple.

You just need to clear your head, don't get so caught up in worries and troubles about this and that and everything; I get this impression that you're a bit of a worry-wart, Essy. It's never as bad as you make it out to be in your head. NEVER.

You might need to take a bit of a break, you might need to form new goals for yourself, or find some of us on IM (and I mean, you will need a whole MASS of us, your situation is that dire  kiddings) to talk to. Have a bit of fun on the side like this, and it will be very healing. 

Do whatever you want to and damn the consequences.

I'm not going to tell you to keep writing. I'm not going to tell you to stop writing. What I am going to say is I'm your fan, Essy, so whatever you decide to do, I'll support you from my side of the world.

I AGREE!!!!!!

I love your work, I have always loved it and will always look forward to what you are willing to share with us. <333
Whatever you decide to do, Essy. It's your call.
Ganbatte! 

 

[rokun]

Well, this post may do more harm than good, and I'm not sure I'll necessarily address Essy directly (since she gets enough of me on IM), but I'm gonna say my piece anyway.

I know I'm not great at keeping things updated, and in that sense could maybe be one of those ancients Essy describes herself as (although I don't consider myself that emo normally ). However, I'm still a H!P fan, and especially with how I've reacted to the new blood (S/mileage, 9th gen), I don't really see that changing anytime soon. I guess maybe I just have a different view of a "fandom".

Perhaps it's natural to categorize us into "generations" as Yuuchan and others have in the past, since it's a way of imitating the idols we love so much, but I don't really see that it has to be "new fans" and "old fans" or anything in between. As far as that, I'm an "older" fan than most anyone in our little forum here, but I know plenty here and in other places who have been around a lot longer than me even - in general, I consider myself a rather "mid-range" H!P fan. But when it comes down to it, there really aren't that many differences among us.

As a fan for several years now, including my own lifestyle, I've had the opportunity to see a lot of the girls' history (including almost all of Berryz/C-ute's, etc.), and even the chance to see many of them in concert while I was in Japan, and at AX in 2009. There are many people who have been around longer than me who haven't gotten the chance to see them, or perhaps as much at least, even though they've been around for more of the "history". On the other end of the spectrum, I'm continually impressed by how much knowledge the "new blood" around here manages to obtain in a relatively short period of time. Today with all your youtubes and lightning-fast torrents and everything, new as well as old material is more easily accessible than ever before - it wasn't quite like that when I first joined, and there are spots I even lag with things I've perhaps never seen.

My point is we're all fans, and that's just who we are. The few of us here desire to show and share our fandom through fanfics, which I feel is a very strong bond that unites us. It's weird to hear people talk about "moving on", or "taking a break" or something like it's a structured life event like job or school that you need to graduate from. Again, perhaps it makes sense we'd think that way since it's yet another imitation of our idols, but to me it's just something you like, and want to use to help you enjoy life.

This goes for fanfics too - like others have said, it's really in the beginning a selfish activity for our own enjoyment, and our preferred way of sharing our fandom. It doesn't matter who you share it with - new fans, old fans, fans who might be more interested in something else now... We all still love the same girls, have read many of the same stories whether over years or a few months, and just want to share that love with others we recognize as like us.

I've enjoyed talking to everyone I've gotten the chance to around here, and as time goes on hope to do so with many more be they 9th gen readers/writers/fans, 10th gen, 15th gen, or beyond... There's plenty of Momusu love and Berryz love and love of everything else to go around

And that... is one reason I being just another fan.

[Estrea]

To summarize my response to all the kind comments...

I you guys.

It's not that I'm any less of a fan of H!P...or rather, MM, since that's where the majority of my fandom lies. I like Berryz and C-ute, but I don't love them the same way. I love MM and all its history, and I believe I'll continue supporting the group even after Ai graduates (she'll just take a piece of my heart with her when she leaves the group, and then make me follow her solo career too because of that ).

I think my whole jaded reaction comes from the whole writing process. Somehow, it became more like a job than something done for fun. I guess I get tired too. Burned out, as drac put it. I invest so much of myself into it, but somewhere along the way, I lost sight of having fun and was trying to create something perfect to match my sense of aesthetics, and that can really wear down on a person. I never like making anything less than exactly as I want it, otherwise I feel like I betrayed something important to myself. I forgot how to make it fun for myself too, I guess. Then again, the people who made it fun for me are mostly gone anyway. Rokun you don't count, because we tend to do things a little differently sometimes. I miss Fimmy...

Then again, even if the people who used to be there suddenly come back, I doubt it'll ever be the same. All of us have changed, and I'm not sure that they'll give me what I need anymore. We'll still be friends, but friendships evolve too. I have friends from junior high that stuck with me even after all this time, and the way we relate to each other has changed completely. We're no longer adolescents, and I guess...things don't stay the same.

I think what I miss is having chemistry with someone. Not in the romantic sense, but being on the same wavelength...I haven't really had someone who could strike up a good tempo for conversation in a long time. I have different types of conversation with the people I do talk to, and I appreciate those as they are, but they don't really inspire me to have more fun with my fandom (and thus, my writing...). Ah, the good old days where crazy conversations lead to equally crazy dialogue and plots that are so warped, it could outdo a wormhole.

It rather seems like once I get attached to a particular concept, the shadow of it lingers even after the person that inspired them leaves. I never properly loved another person after my first "adult" relationship (not THAT kind of adult...). I never really could connect well with someone else after the one who was on the same wavelength with me left. I stick to an ideal...sometimes I wonder if I should let go and be more acceptive of new things. But then again, nothing else impresses me the same way, and until then...?

Ok, got totally off track. Haha. What does it matter, I never could stay on track for anything. For my life, my writing....heh. The more things change, the more I stay the same.

[Rayle]

The timezone difference might be a bother, but I'd be up for chat spazzing/convos about H!P. I'm kind of in the opposite boat -- I've found a great group of SNSD/Kpop fans to meta about but none of them got into H!P like I have so when I want to make all these references and analyses they don't care.  (Well, opposite in that I'm technically "into a new fandom") That and I've kicked around writing impulses for a while now, never gave into them because SCIENCE is way too time-intensive for me to do the ideas any justice, but it would be nice to be able to at least spazz about the concepts to someone else instead of just myself. That and it's the easiest way to get rid of plunny urges, although I've had to make do with fanart sketches. 
But this also means that I've been able to talk characterization and pairing stuff about the Kpop girls all over the place(even betaing for a fic writer) but I kind of want to see if my internal characterizations of the H!P girls and their interaction dynamics are correct. Not to mention some of the more interesting conundrums about the idol system itself, from identity issues to promotion tactics. Kpop has those, but not as fucked up as Jpop can be. 

And hey, if chat doesn't work out I'd be fine with a PM/posting/comments back and forth thing to. That actually gives me the time to research/confirm and develop my points and iron out the useless bits. 
BTW I'm arbitrary_greay on LJ, I saw you comment on greywing's before. You still reading our word vomit?

Finally, and I hope I don't offend anyone here with what I'm about to say, but I'm also relieved that your reasons for burnout weren't along the lines of "where are the comments D:", because there is so much of that bullshit going on at SSF right now with diva/o authors shutting down their stories to spite the people who aren't commenting,(despite 67 pages for 20 chapters!?) and thus screwing over the people who have been following them. IMHO, the writers here not only tend to aspire to higher standards of writing but are more mindful of their followers. And on the other side, the readers are also much more helpful than "____ pairing squeeee write moar~!" one-liners, forming a much tighter community instead of a mudpit of mediocrity. I know that all writers crave feedback, but you this topic right here proves that you guys know not to let that produce any bullshit. When you post something like that in here, we know that it's not just another call for feedback but that there are real issues causing the burnout.  /rant

BTW one of these days I'll have to comment in your oneshot thread again, gracula. Especially because hellz yeah, Charmikitty and drunkenSage!Nakazawa.

[kuro808]

@Rayle I be honest I was one of those so I am guilty of it however I have a lot of shit to do lately to care too much about that issue.  I think it is a great idea that you brought up, just pick who you want to speak to and there is your support group   I mean whatever rocks your boat just go with it.

[Estrea]

The timezone difference might be a bother, but I'd be up for chat spazzing/convos about H!P. I'm kind of in the opposite boat -- I've found a great group of SNSD/Kpop fans to meta about but none of them got into H!P like I have so when I want to make all these references and analyses they don't care.  (Well, opposite in that I'm technically "into a new fandom") That and I've kicked around writing impulses for a while now, never gave into them because SCIENCE is way too time-intensive for me to do the ideas any justice, but it would be nice to be able to at least spazz about the concepts to someone else instead of just myself. That and it's the easiest way to get rid of plunny urges, although I've had to make do with fanart sketches. 

Kpop is fun. I don't dislike Kpop, but I'm too lazy to follow another group at the moment. Besides, Kpop fandom has way too much unnecessary drama in it for me to absorb. I remember being really into Kpop during my early teens, but now I just like being a casual fan. Less stressful, and I still get to watch and listen to good music and performances. And I appreciate the offer. ^_^ Yeah it kinda sucks when you want to make references that only make sense if one is involved in the material referenced, and most other people don't actually know...or care to know for that matter. That's why any piece of writing is actually funniest for the author, because we know where ALL the in jokes are (we put them in after all ).

But this also means that I've been able to talk characterization and pairing stuff about the Kpop girls all over the place(even betaing for a fic writer) but I kind of want to see if my internal characterizations of the H!P girls and their interaction dynamics are correct. Not to mention some of the more interesting conundrums about the idol system itself, from identity issues to promotion tactics. Kpop has those, but not as fucked up as Jpop can be. 

Kpop has really "grown up" as a fandom. 10 years ago fanfiction there was still really in prototypical budding stages. You had fanfic back then, but it was hard to find something that wasn't either 1) school days based or 2) Real Life simulation. Now people really put more thought into them as people, instead of just taking the character, horribly mutilating the personality to fit into an archetype, and then posting them into weird fantasies. Jpop, on the other hand, has had some crazy meta fandom for ages, which can lead to incredibly strange things. Or it could be just that the Japanese are strange. After all, this is the nation that gave us tentacle rape. *coughs*

And hey, if chat doesn't work out I'd be fine with a PM/posting/comments back and forth thing to. That actually gives me the time to research/confirm and develop my points and iron out the useless bits. 
BTW I'm arbitrary_greay on LJ, I saw you comment on greywing's before. You still reading our word vomit?

I'll be happy to add you to chat. PMing is fine too, especially due to aforementioned time zone problems. Oh so you're that person! Yeah I still habitually lurk around greywing's LJ. You guys really go indepth there. It's kinda like WALL OF TEXT and if I'm too tired, my eyes kinda glaze over.

Finally, and I hope I don't offend anyone here with what I'm about to say, but I'm also relieved that your reasons for burnout weren't along the lines of "where are the comments D:", because there is so much of that bullshit going on at SSF right now with diva/o authors shutting down their stories to spite the people who aren't commenting,(despite 67 pages for 20 chapters!?) and thus screwing over the people who have been following them. IMHO, the writers here not only tend to aspire to higher standards of writing but are more mindful of their followers. And on the other side, the readers are also much more helpful than "____ pairing squeeee write moar~!" one-liners, forming a much tighter community instead of a mudpit of mediocrity. I know that all writers crave feedback, but you this topic right here proves that you guys know not to let that produce any bullshit. When you post something like that in here, we know that it's not just another call for feedback but that there are real issues causing the burnout.  /rant

I know what you mean. I mean, I want more comments from around here, but which writer doesn't? Then again, one meaningful comment (from the likes of our commenting stars here Bee and ropy for example) beats out 10 comments that have no substance whatsoever. While I miss the days of AA where I can get anything up to 20 comments that actually involve people thinking about what they put in, I suppose we just have to make do with what we get now. (Where are youuuuu JFC??? ) Not that I don't appreciate what I have, it's just us old timers longing for the "good old days".

Maybe for once I should just write something, anything, without planning anything at all in advance. Just jump into headfirst and eyes closed like I did with AA. And then just make things up as I go. That might lead to another epic. After all, I did write the H!P version of Pirates of the Carribbean without knowing a single thing about the fandom (thank you wiki).

That might make it fun again. Even if it would probably border on ridiculous. But crack seems to be in vogue again, no?

[Rayle]

Kpop is all about hitting my talent kink, especially in the dancing department. No wonder Ai loves it. 

Now people really put more thought into them as people, instead of just taking the character, horribly mutilating the personality to fit into an archetype, and then posting them into weird fantasies.

Actually, I think those are the writers than have migrated over from Jpop.  Or have contact with Jpop migrant authors.

Jpop, on the other hand, has had some crazy meta fandom for ages

Yes! If it weren't for me discovering Cult of Pop and finding out that it's okay to analyze idols like that I don't think I ever would have gotten as deep into idol fandom as I have.

Heh, that's why I broke up my WALL OF TEXT track record with a boobies post on ffa yesterday. 

Isn't that what you were going to do with Nocturne? 

So then the remaining question is of course your optimal chat times.(I have a pretty flexible schedule)

[Estrea]

^I tend to be available between midnight to somewhere like 3-5 in the morning, GMT+8 timezone. And then on again at around 11am for a couple of hours.

You can always PM me your contact.

[Estrea]

My life, the fanfic.

As most people on my AIM list have probably known for the couple of days, MY LIFE HAS TURNED INTO A FANFIC. Is this like, some kind of occupational hazard? I don't know. There were just so many well-used cliches that I couldn't believe that it was really happening. orz.

On the bright side, my epic meltdown would someday make an excellent scene in a story. On the not-so-bright side, I am now officially totally uncool. Sigh.

[rndmnwierd]

^ This does totally sounds epic, though I'm not sure if it's epic good or epic bad. Tell me, has your life turned into a crack fic or an angst drama?

[Estrea]

^My meltdown was crackfic worthy. As I told Kuji, we're now at a cliffhanger and it could either turn into a Nanchatte Renai or a Destiny Love. Which is...infinitely scary. Lmao.

[rndmnwierd]

Gawd, angst drama/crackfic is bad enough irl, but adding romance, too? But I'll keep my fingers crossed for a Destiny Love for you. *sends you mental energy*

[Estrea]

Well no matter which way it turns out, I intend to fic-ify it! So if you see any new stories coming from me, you can tell how things went in my life by the mood of the story.

Does fiction imitate reality or is it the other way round? I feel like I predicted what was going to be happen 2 years ago with Nanchatte Renai. Parts of it anyway. It was eerie rereading it and comparing what happened and what's going on now.

It really sucks being Reina.

[rndmnwierd]

Write what you know and know what you write? *pats*

[gracula]

Given how much of yourself you put into your fics, it's no wonder there's similarity there, Essy. You would tend to write your own reactions into a certain situation anyway.

I hope to god my life does not mimic my art in any damned way.

It really sucks being Reina.

Well, can't help you there. I can only hope your Ai counterpart is worthy enough of her role.

Write what you know and know what you write? *pats*

hmmm... *goes off to reread rndy's fics*. 

[Estrea]

Given how much of yourself you put into your fics, it's no wonder there's similarity there, Essy. You would tend to write your own reactions into a certain situation anyway.

I hope to god my life does not mimic my art in any damned way.

I hope for your sake it doesn't either. Crack might damage real life worse than it does in fiction.

Well, can't help you there. I can only hope your Ai counterpart is worthy enough of her role.

She's much better than Ai ever was. And I cannot believe I just said that.

[rndmnwierd]

hmmm... *goes off to reread rndy's fics*.

I'm not a violent psychopath(much). I just like guns... And sex...

She's much better than Ai ever was. And I cannot believe I just said that.

Well, then I hope it will be a Destiny Love.

[gracula]

She's much better than Ai ever was. And I cannot believe I just said that.

i can't believe you said that either. this is starting to be essy crack.

but i am chuffed for you. i'd give you a thumbs up, but that would be in bad taste since this is about an actual girl and not fanfic.

( wasn't appropriate either.)