The Lake
Part 1
10 years is long time, enough to face my demons and visit this place for the second time. My therapist told me that the best and the only possible way to move on is try to fight my demons where they started.
I was uncertain at first. Leaving my home. Leaving my safety blanket, job and other responsibilities behind. Yes, I’m going there only for three days. One weekend… but even during this short period of time a lot of things can happen.
Its not like I’m leaving people behind… actually, after everything that happened to me back then, I only had one friend that stayed by my side.
Sometimes one friend is enough if that’s a true one. Akimoto Sayaka stayed by my side through tick and thin but she doesn’t know that I’m going to the lake again.
I doubt she would agree or even if so, she would probably go there with me, giving unnecessary distraction. Its not holidays, I’m not going there to have fun, for camping, fishing or roasting marshmallows. That’s what people do when they are young… or when they go with a bunch of friends and relatives.
In my case… I’m going there all by myself without much of an expectations, only with hope that after this… life might turn a little bit better.
My therapist told me “You need to change the place you’re staying at. Just for a short time. Few days if that’s all you can manage. The best way to move on from something is going back to the same place where everything started. Nothing comes easy in this life. If you believe that you’re truly ready, its now or never. Be brave enough to move on”.
I remember something that Sayaka told me few years ago too. It didn’t have much influence to this exact moment but her words open my eyes back then… I wasn’t ready to change the way I deal with it, I kept doing things my way, but her words sting like a bee no matter what.
Till this day I can still recite her words in my head: “I’m trying to make you react. Show emotions. You have a lot of them. You keep them inside because its safe. You want to see people around you happy and you forget about yourself. When someone smiles you do the same. When someone’s sad you’re reminded to be sad too. But you don’t do these emotions yourself. You don’t chose how to feel. If you have a good day… you’re full of energy, you want to see the world dancing, you run around, you don’t stop smiling even if that’s a fake smile, after all no one knows the difference… because that’s the only smile you have. You get used to it. You don’t know how else to smile. You don’t know how to smile when your cheeks hurt and your eyes scream happiness. You forgot all about that. When you have bad days… you lock yourself in. You ignore your feelings by ignoring other people. The things they might see in you. You play it safe. You wait until its over and then you reappear. As if nothing happened at all. You keep on like this… but the truth is… at some point you’re going to explode”.
For myself, for my best friend who still believes in me… I need to find myself for the second time.
I took only the necessary stuff, mostly food and clothes that I will need during this short journey. I didn’t wait another second knowing that if I consider it long enough, I might not leave my home. That happened about a year ago… I was already considering the opportunity of going there… but I decided to sleep on it. Next morning all my courage from the last night disappeared.
This influenced me to rush this time. I went through the door knowing that when I get back, everything might be different, that’s a false hope maybe… but you know what they say about hope… if you’re foolish enough you might just make it.
I drove back to the lake with my own car, leaving it next to two more that stood in parking spot. You can’t drive your car next to the cottage so I had to carry stuff on my own. Now I’m glad that I hadn’t taken more stuff with myself.
This lake… and this place was always somewhat different… Through the years people came there because they wanted to get lost and hide from the rest of the world. I’m not exception… I did that ten years ago…I’m repeating it now.
There are no people running around you and asking if they can help you with your luggage or asking if you’re going to eat breakfast, if you need a wake up call in the morning. When you reach this place… you’re disconnected from the rest of the world. You might as well lose yourself and never come back. That’s how addictive it can be.
I know that there are few more people in this place because of cars but if I will see any of them… is a big question. Somehow people here rarely meet up. I remember it being more popular tourist place back in the day… overcrowded parking space and empty shore… even cottages are far away from each other…
If you were a criminal and wanted to escape law… I’m pretty sure you could just hide near the lake for the rest of your life. Police wouldn’t consider searching here… even if they do… there’s 10% chance of them actually finding you.
The sad reality is… you can’t find people that you’re earning for in here either. If you let them out of your sight… that how it ends. I know it might have changed after so many years… but somehow I doubt it. I don’t think that anything changes near the lake. I believe time stops…
I’m not overreacting while mentioning it. The last time I believed that I had I spend about two or maybe three months by this lake. When I got back everyone told me that it was only a couple of days. They couldn’t understand how a person can change so suddenly… they never understood my reason of pushing them away. Eventually, they gave up trying to stay in touch with me.
Everyone except Akimoto Sayaka. She’s also the reason why I chose this weekend to come in this place again. She’s working in the other city and when she’s busy with work we stay out of touch. That’s just for a couple of days but if knowing what this place do to people… maybe I will be gone just for a day in real time… or maybe just for a couple of hours. Sayaka won’t need to find out about it at all.
There is no wifi connection here, no electricity so consequently you end up being disconnected from the rest of the world and the things that are happening there.
That’s the lake for you.
I finally reach the cottage I rented for this weekend. Unconsciously I even smile… its not too big, not too small either. Just what I needed.
One more thing about the lake and the people who take care of everything… somehow they know what you want and need. They don’t ask you what kind of place you want, away or close to the lake… they just tell you the house number where you have to go.
When you come and stop in front of the mentioned cottage you feel like that’s indeed your choice… that there can’t be better house for this occasion. This is a mystery to me but I don’t overthink it. I like it instead. Don’t people want to believe that some sort of magic exist in this world? Maybe that’s something we all need sometimes.
Feeling like there’s a place that we belong in, where we don’t need to fake smiles and pretend, where we can be our true selves, without unreasonable expectation from the outside world… is that’s why I didn’t want to leave the lake first time?
I have forgotten how addictive this could be… that when the lake grabs you… it doesn’t want to let go. Without someone pulling me out of here… will I manage to leave it? I haven’t thought about it before coming but now I’m concerned.
The concern disappear as suddenly as it appeared when I turn around and look back at the lake. Once again a forgotten real smile creeps back into my face. I need to figure out myself… that’s the reason I came here. I won’t leave until I manage to do that.
Few hour later, I got comfortable and decide to head to the shore. I looked around impressed, for the first time I curses over my breath realizing that I would actually love to go fishing… why I thought I would hate it? Right… probably because that would be just a distraction…
“Hello”.
I’m cough of guard. I have mentioned that its almost impossible to meet other people in here, even when the lake is full of them. How did I manage to run into another person? A girl almost the same age as me… I think she’s younger… maybe a couple of years difference? Oh… and she’s fishing. What a strange coincidence.
“Hello”, I smile back awkwardly still lost in my own thoughts.
The girl leaves her fishing rod behind and comes closer ready to greet me “I’m Maeda Atsuko…you can call me Acchan…”
“Yuko… I mean… you can call me Yuko… my full name is Oshima Yuko…” I hear myself stuttering a bit.
She smiles at the sight of that. Adorable smile… a true one… I love it how it makes her eyes catlike when she does that. “Somehow I feel like maybe I have heard your name before…but I can’t recall it. Isn’t that weird?”
“I guess…”, I whisper with a wonder. I haven’t thought about it before she mentioned it… but for some reason her name sounds familiar too. Maybe that’s a common name? I doubt I have actually met her before. How could I… you never meet the people from the lake again… I have learn it the hard way first time… but what have I lost back then? I can’t remember anymore. Especially while this stranger is still smiling at me with some sort of expectation.
“Oh… maybe you would like to join me… I don’t have another fishing rod… but you could watch or… we can work in turns…”
“I’m not really into fishing”, I remember all of a sudden, but at the same time I don’t want to say ‘no’. “But I wouldn’t mind staying and watching… I came down to look at the lake…”
“Your cottage is around here?”
“Yes… on that mountain… very close… I like the lake. It calms me. Where are you staying?”
“I…”, it looks like Atsuko is thinking of an answer. Maybe she just doesn’t want to tell me. I probably spoke up too early… people just don’t tell others where they live the first time they met them.
“Around here… not that far away too… but I spend a lot of time on this bridge… and I like walking in the woods”.
“In the woods?”
“Yes, you haven’t been there? Its magnificent… Honestly…for a tourist… I think its easy to get lost… but I know every corner of it so that’s not a problem for me… maybe you could join me some day? I could show you around”.
I smile apologetically “unless this happens during the weekend. I’m not staying for longer”
“Ah…I see..” I hear some disappointment in her answer, once again confused of such reaction. “If you like… we can go tomorrow… the time is not a problem for me”.
“How long are you staying near the lake?”, I feel the need to ask. Maybe she came here for a week or for a couple of months. Especially, if she’s so confident about walking around the woods. I haven’t considered it even once… isn’t the woods the place everything started… it should help me remember it.
“I live here.”
“What do you mean?”
“I lived here all my life and most likely I’m staying here from the rest of it. I don’t want to leave and…”
“I don’t get it…”, I smile awkwardly this time… because honestly… I DON’T GET IT… no one stays… everyone leaves… no one is born here either. No one told me this information but for some reason I know it either way and I have no doubts about it.
Atsuko squinted her eyes slightly, looking at me like I’m crazy. Maybe I do sound and even look like a crazy person. I’m attacking the girl without knowing better. “This is my home. I don’t know how else to explain it”.
She turns around facing her fishing rod, probably tired of discussing it with me. Silently I sit down on a bench, trying to concentrate on the lake and magnificent beauty of it, but my thoughts still come back to Atsuko.
“Am…Atsuko…?”
“You can call me Acchan… have you forgot?”, she laughs shortly, without looking at me but sincerely meaning it.
I cough still feeling some comfortableness but trying to relax as well. “Acchan…”
I lose my thoughts though… I knew what I wanted to ask just a second ago but that laughter… suddenly I find myself lost for words.
As if sensing it Atsuko comments “so…are you ready for tomorrows adventure?” obviously meaning our planned trip to the woods near by.
The truth is… woods surround this whole lake… they’re everywhere where you look… as curios as I am to walk through them… I also realize that its impossible to go around them in just a day… or maybe it is… isn’t everything here possible?
I feel fear and uncertainty but still hear myself answering “I can’t wait”.
Topic: The Lake - Part 3 of 4 (AtsuYuu) 9/3/16 (Read 7695 times)