Well, as I had said before... I have been writing so here is one of those things...
Please be nice to it XDDDD
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Today is NOT my day
Today is the day everything changes. Today is the last day, my last concert with this group and my last day in the same group as you. Today I’m leaving Momusu and v-u-den will be born. Today is my graduation and I should be happy that I’m going forward in my career. I should be, but I’m not.
I still remember the surprised faces of everyone when hearing it was my turn to leave. The girls were still recovering from Kaorin’s departure, Marippe was adjusting to her new title and responsibility (and with an ulcer in the making), Miki was being her groping self and you and… you were as unreadable as ever.
Graduations always bring back memories for us: last rehearsals, last songs, last PVs, last photo shoots but above all, last concerts. They are really sad. We normally spend half the concert crying, half singing while changing clothes and drying sweat from our faces; all at the same time. Tricky business; but once you get the hang of it, it becomes easier.
I usually cry over events like these, but the one that really got me whaling was when Keme-chan left. She was my mentor, my best friend and my big sister. I couldn’t stop crying even before the actual concert began. You were trying to lighten the mood in the dressing room by making jokes; though it was in vain, your effort was still appreciated. I remember minutes before the actual concert began she came to me.
“Rika-chan! Come on! I am not going anywhere. I am just graduating! ”.
“But” It was really hard to breath with all the crying I was doing.
“What have I thought you so far?”
“Never touch Yuko’s sake, even less her chicken breasts if you value life”.
“Apart from that”.
“You always have to show a happy face, even if you are not at all”.
“That’s it”.
She had the biggest smile that evening.
I am feeling guilty right now. This is like Nono’s and Aibon’s Graduation all over again. With them leaving for W and I, for v-u-den, it feels like we are leaving you alone to fend by yourself.
Being in Momusu together for a long time has allowed me certain knowledge on you. I know you don’t like snakes. I know you don’t like to wear anything pink unless mandatory. I know you can be girly even though the agency portraits you as a tomboyish girl. I know you don’t like to be alone. I know you that well and for that, I apologize.
As days passed by and my time with you was ending, we looked like were joint by the hip. It was like returning to those days when we were 15 again. When it was the four of us trying to adjust as Morning Musume members and everything was scary but fun. I felt like you wanted to create memories of my last days in the group. Then, the Marippe thing happened and everything went down the toilet.
The day she came to leave her resignation letter, you didn’t want to see her at all. You practically close your dressing room door on her face. Then, she came to mine, begging for help to talk with you. I do not know what came to me but the next think I knew was that I had slapped her. HARD. I had NEVER slapped someone, specially a sempai. Of course I tried to apologize to her.
“I should be the one apologizing”, she said.
“Mari”.
“Take care of her, please?”, she said as she closed the door.
After she left, I remember thinking: how the hell I was supposed to do that? My graduation was around the corner. It was not fair of her to ask that. It was not fair at all. How am I supposed to take care of you when I was not going to be beside you? Yes, we would see each other. Just not as often. We were still going to be friends. Just not as close.
Hence the importance of this concert to me: not only as my last gift to the fans or as a Morning Musume member. It is my goodbye gift to you. I promised myself that I would do my best today. If I gave 100% in all the previous concerts, on this one I was going to give 250% more and always with a big smile on my face. Just so you did not have to worry about me. That’s how I am, I will not lose. I was not going to cry even if my tears threaten to fall at any time. No, it was going to be a happy concert.
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The concert went alright. Even the MC’s went without someone crying. It was not until the message from the other girls that I broke. The girls were nice and cute. Normally, they are little brats and are really annoying, especially Mame, our new Reaction Queen. But it’s alright. They have the right to behave like little girls while they can, because later will be too late.
Like the others before me, I have decided to give everyone advice while hugging, far from the microphone reach. As the queue was progressing I left messages as: work harder, practice your dance, never give up, your singing will get better with more practice and the likes. When the turn of Miki came I must admit I was kind of scared.
It is well known we have not been in the best of terms, her and me. We both are strong willed women and we are not going to give up that easily, at least not without a fight. I hate her and at the same time I admire her because she is everything I am not. She can speak her mind, she can be herself without a care in the world and she is talented. I hate her because she can be with you in ways I can never be.
When she came in, she easily became your friend and I was put aside, forgotten. She took a place I could never dream to fill. I hate her because when you were with her I could see your smile; the sad thing was that it was not for me. What can I say… Jealousy is something I’m familiar with.
Well, who would have thought that the groping demon had a heart? Her speech... well, it left me speechless. Really, I think we could have been friends if it wasn’t for what was in between us: my jealousy and her pride
Anyways, I knew that she was the only one that could take care of you; she was your “friend” after all. After her speech, the mandatory hug came. I remember planning this moment. This was my only chance to make her do what I wanted.
“Miki, promise me that you will take care of Hi-chan, please? Just don’t leave her”, I said while hugging her. I had to make her promise, she has to accept. If not… if not, you would be alone and I don’t want that.
“Yeah”, she whispered.
“Miki, Promise me, I want you to promise me…”.
“I said I would so don’t worry”.
I was freaking begging her. And I do NOT beg, EVER.
That was it. It was an open invitation for her to take what I considered was mine.
To be truthful I don’t remember when or how you became MINE. I just recall that at some point I began to like you, more than just a friend. More than a girl should like another girl. I was brought up with the believe that love does not see race or social status, but genre.
I can’t help what I feel. I can’t help being excited when you dance in your Mr. Moonlight costume; happy when, in rare occasions, you smile at me or nervous when we accidentally brush arms or legs while on interviews or in practice… And at the same time I can’t help being scared to death of what the others may think. Even worse, I am scared of what would happen to us, especially you, if the agency was to find out.
It took me a while to accept the truth, to accept the fact that I was in love in with you. At the time, the only one that knew what was really going on was Ayumi. She really is a true friend. The day I told her about my feelings towards you, I was close to a nervous breakdown. It was something to remember. I think I went to visit her after one of Melon’s concerts.
“Ayumi, Can I tell you something?”
“Ok, go ahead” she closed the door of her dressing room for more privacy.
“Well… First of all, I want to thank you for putting up with me” I was so nervous I couldn’t stop wringing my hands.
“I know that I can be a pain in the ass when I’m hysteric or depressed or even when I’m way too happy so I want to thank you for being there for me”
“Hey, don’t worry! What are friends for, anyway?” She is always reassuring me, she is so nice “Though, on second thought maybe I deserve a medal, even better an “Ayumi Day”, now that would be totally awesome, maybe you can talk to Tsunku-san and arrenge it!”… Or maybe not.
“Humble, aren’t you?” She just kept laughing. She is EVIL.
“Well, what is that you so wanted to tell me?”, She said once she calmed down a little.
“You see, I think I’m love” My hands are getting cold by the second.
“Who’s the lucky guy?” The surprise she is about to get.
“I’m in love with a girl” She had a surprised face. “She is in the Project” At the moment, the floor seemed very interesting. “Please, don’t hate me?”
Ayumi is one of the few I can call a real friend. Within this project I mean. Her opinion really matters to me and if she were to shun me… I don’t know what I would do.
“Is it me?” It seems she is self centered too.
“Baka! Of course not. You are like me sister. That could be considered INCEST in other countries, you know.”
“Uff” My ego went down I notch but I decided to ignore it. “Well, who is it then?”
“I’m in love with Yossy”.
We remain in total silent a few seconds; but to me, it seemed like hours. While she remained silent; in my head, I was in an intense discussion with myself. What if she hates me, what if doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore, what if she tells others, even worse, what if she tells Yossy, what if she tells Nakazawa-san, what if she tells-
“It was about time Ishikawa!” Eeeeh!
“What do you mean it’s about time?” What is she talking about?
“Come on Rika, you are not THAT subtle. Like duh! I already knew that!” It was like a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. I couldn’t help but laugh. She is awesome, isn’t she?
From that day on, Ayumi always encouraged me to tell you my feelings. She even tried to set me up with the help of the other Melons to have me confess to you. Those girls are really scary when they want to be. Anyways, today was special and my last chance.
Today I was going to tell you the truth. I had everything figured out. I had practiced what I was going to say. Everything was going perfect, but when I hugged you, my mind went blank. All I could do was hug you as if I never wanted to let you go. And you were crying and I was crying and everyone else too. And my last chance passed before my eyes. But as the saying goes: The show must go on. And so the concert did.
Now that the concert ended, I feel a little dejected knowing I couldn’t confess. I chicken out and now what I really want is to be somewhere safe so I could cry alone to my heart’s content. When I was about to close the door of my dressing room I felt little arms surrounding me.
“Kusumi-chan? What’s wrong?” Then I took notice it was Miracle-chan who hugged me still crying. She is such a nice little girl. Her career is just starting and from what I hear she HAS potential. I just hope Mikitty and the others take care of her. Our instructors tend to be cruel with the newbies.
“If you keep on crying, I’m going to cry too” She dried her tears with her coat sleeve.
“Bye, Ishikawa-san” She is a cute little thing.
“Hey, I’ll be around so it’s not a goodbye per se” I said making her laugh a little. Trying to calm her a bit more, I asked her what was her impression on today’s concert. We were talking on stuff in general when you appeared out of nowhere.
“Oi, Kusumi-chan have you finish packing? We are leaving in 10 minutes”
“Yeah, Yoshizawa-san!”
“You better get going to the bus before all the good seats are taken”
“Hai!” She turned towards me and said “Bye Ishikawa-san. See you around”.
“Kusumi-chan, before you leave, can I tell you something?” I motioned her closer, as if trying to tell her a secret.
“Play with your leader, will you? When she works too much she forgets how to have fun”
“Hai!” and with a smiling face, she runs towards the exit, almost skipping. Such an adorable kid I tell you.
“What did you tell her?”
“Nothing important”
We were alone again. This is it, I thought. God was good enough to me to give a second chance. I was not going to ruin this. Not this time.
“Yossy, I have to tell you something” It is now or never
“What is it?” You were looking intensely at my face.
“Well, you see…”. I was about to tell you when I heard the rest of the girls approaching the place.
God damn it! Not AGAIN!
“Rika-chan, what is it you wanted to tell me?”
Rika think fast, “The last one that reaches the bus, sits next to the driver”. I took my bag and run as fast as I could to the bus.
“Hey! Wait for me!”
As I run to the bus, I realized that maybe TODAY was not MY day. As much as I have wanted it, it wasn’t by close. But you know? I remain positive because I know someday it will come. Someday I will tell you the truth. Someday I will gather enough courage to tell you how much I love you. But right now, I think being friends will have to do.
THE END.
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Anyways, I hope you have enjoyed it. I had a blast writing it
... And there will be more to come so please stay tune
.
PS: I suck at titles XDDDD
Topic: Today is NOT my day (Read 4990 times)