Ch.9 Conflicted Feelings
A/N: This is a longer chapter than I expected. Prepare for the feels. I stared at the ceiling my room dimmed. After I got home from the café, I just cried. I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I felt numb. Empty. Everything was falling apart. I thought about Airi and Jurina. My head hurt. I was such a jerk. Jurina trusted me. She trusted me not to judge her about her past. I told her the past didn’t matter to me, yet I used it against her the first chance I got. The worst part is that it’s not even the first time. Back at then when I was mad at her in the theater room I did the exact same thing.
And Airi? Airi was just only trying to help. Instead of thanking her all I ever did was push her away. Airi got up early in the morning to help me with my problems. I repaid her by screaming at her. I lashed out because she was right. I did like Jurina. In fact, I am beginning to think it might surpass like because as time goes by what I feel for her grow. That doesn’t matter though because I do nothing, but hurt her. Maybe Daichi was right. Maybe all I ever do is use and hurt people.
“I am a horrible person,” I whispered to myself. I hugged my pillow as I curled up in a small ball. I wanted the earth to shallow me alive. It’s funny how I thought breaking up with Daichi was as bad as it got. Clearly the universe had other plans.
The worse part was that even though I knew I was wrong I couldn’t bring myself to grab the phone and apologize. I was just so angry. I was angry at Jurina for kissing that girl. I was mad at Airi for pointing out my true feelings, and I was angry at myself. For being such a damn coward. Even though I liked Jurina… Even though I liked girls… I couldn’t say a thing. I was terrified. I remember when it got out Airi liked girls. It wasn’t pretty.
Everyone who ever talked to her suddenly avoided her as if she had the plague. I was never a friendly person. I didn’t really talk to anyone in my class. But I was still part of the group. I fit in. I was the nice quiet girl who sat by the window. I was the girl who would probably do something with her life and marry a nice guy. I wanted to be that girl. It was safe. It was comfortable. On the other hand Rena, the girl who was in love with a girl. I didn’t know who she was. It was new and strange. I was scared of that Rena.
It was so much easier when I was just the friend of the school lesbian. Especially when I had a boyfriend. People just assumed I was friends with Airi because I was too nice. No one give me a hard time. I didn’t have to deal with all the things Airi did. I don’t think I could. I am not like Airi. I couldn’t just smile like nothing happened when people wrote horrible things in my desk and put pins in my shoes. When girls found out Airi was a lesbian they treated her as if she was the gum in the bottom of their shoes. I wonder if they would treat me like that too. Would they think I was disgusting? How would my mother react? I thought about my mom’s face when she found out I wouldn’t be giving her a grandchild. I couldn’t deal with any of this. I would break. I can’t do it.
But… At the same time… I bit my lip. Every time I thought about Jurina and that girl kissing I couldn’t help thinking that should have been me. I didn’t just want to be Jurina’s friend. I began to sob, but nothing came out after crying so much. Instead my chest rose and deflated rapidly as I thought about Jurina. Suddenly the feelings I been desperately trying to shove down since the moment I met her began to break free. I wanted her. In the way a man wants a woman. I wanted her so badly it hurt. I thought about all the couple things Daichi wanted us to do together. Hugging, dates, kissing… The images filled my head. I felt overwhelmed. I wanted to do all those things with Jurina and more… I wanted everything and had nothing to give. Because I am a coward. I didn’t quite dare to throw myself in the open fire like that.
In the fictional world doing what makes you happy is always the answer, but in the real world it was not that easy. I was both terrified of being Rena, the school lesbian, and of being Rena, the girl who would find a good husband. I didn’t deserve Jurina. She deserved better than a spineless fool like me. I stared at my phone. I didn’t want to face any of it, but Airi and Jurina deserved an explanation. So, I gathered my courage and checked my messages. I had exactly two messages in my inbox. One from Jurina and one from Airi. I checked Airi’s first.
Airi: Are you okay?I should have expected Airi to be worried about me despite what I yelled at her. That was just the kind of person she was. I took a deep breath trying to figure out how to word my apology.
Rena: Airi, I am sorry. For what I said earlier. You were only trying to help and… You were right about me. I do like Jurina, but I am scared. I am just so scared. I am not like you. I can’t just pretend everything will be okay if I date her. I know how things will be at school. At home. I don’t think I can do it. I am a coward.I sighed and opened Jurina’s message.
Jurina: We need to talk. Can you meet me at the café?I was surprised. I thought Jurina would be more angry. Why wasn’t she? If I were her I would be extremely pissed. It was odd, but I shrugged it off. Maybe what Jurina had to say to me had to be said face to face. I was afraid, but I needed to hear whatever she had to say. Not to mention I needed to talk to her face to face too. I needed to apologize.
Rena: Okay give me ten minutes.
I didn’t even get to put my phone down before Airi’s reply came in. I quickly checked it.
Airi: I understand. I am not as brave as you think though. This whole thing is scary. But it is worth it.I tossed my phone aside because what was I supposed to say to that? Airi was right. I wondered how Jurina would feel if she knew I was considering hiding my feelings for her over shame. Would she be sad or relieved? How did Matsui Jurina feel about me? I was so worried about everything else I never stopped to even think about how Jurina felt about me. Did Jurina think about me as a friend or something else? Before I was so sure she liked me, but after this morning I wasn’t so sure. After all, Jurina’s first confession was just her messing around. She told me herself. Jurina told me I was her first true friend along with Airi. What if that was all I was to her? A good friend? Would the risk be worth it? I mustered all my strength and got up. I wasn’t done. I still needed to meet Jurina and see what she had to say to me.
The day was cloudy. It seemed since Jurina came there had not been a sunny day. I wondered if Jurina somehow attracted clouds? Or maybe I was the one bringing the gloomy weather with my constant insecurity. Or maybe just maybe I finally lost it. I mean I was blaming my feeling for the weather as if that were logical. When I got to the café I was surprised not to find Jurina, but the girl she was with earlier this morning. I instantly felt irritated. She was the last person I wanted to see.
“Oh! You are here. I almost thought you weren’t coming. I am Miyuki by the way,” Miyuki greeted with a bright smile. She extended her hand towards me, but I just glared at it. She rolled her eyes and retracted it her smile quickly fading away.
“Rude. Here I am trying to be nice and all. Are all country folk like this?” Miyuki huffed crossing her arms. Country folk??? I gave her a confused look. Was this girl not from here? Miyuki… Why did that name sound so familiar? Then it hit me. Jurina told me she had a friend with benefits by that name. It seems she is standing right in front of me. My disdain, if possible, for the girl grew. I was instantly on guard.
“Where is Jurina? She asked me to meet her here,” I told her with a sharp tone. The girl pulled Jurina’s phone out of her bag and waved it around.
“Actually, that was me. Jurina is currently in my hotel room, so it was easy to take her phone. We need to talk,” Miyuki explained. I scoffed and started to walk away.
“I have no interest in talking to you,” I told her. I didn’t get very far before Miyuki grasped my arm firmly.
“Well too bad because I am very interested in talking to you. I also happen to be the only one who knows where Jurina is. So if you want to see Jurina anytime soon I suggest you take a seat and have coffee with me,” Miyuki stated in a serious matter. I was taken aback. Her aura had completely change from bubby and cute to serious. I weighted my options and decided it be best to listen to what the girl had to say. So, I followed her inside to the furthest table in the back of the café. Once seated a waitress quickly came to our table.
“What would you like to order?” the waitress asked. I looked at Miyuki. This was her idea after all.
“Just water. We won’t be taking very long…” Miyuki paused looking at the waitress' nametag. “Sayaka. That’s a pretty name.” Miyuki complimented with a smile.
The girl looked flustered. I quickly realized Miyuki was good with people in the same way Jurina was. They knew the right things to say and how to charm people. I wonder if this was how the two girls could get people to sleep with them so easily. I didn’t like the implications of those thoughts.
“Thanks, but I am afraid I can’t let you stay unless you buy something,” the girl explained with an apologetic look. Miyuki grinned.
“No problem. I’ll have a small coffee in a to go cup please. Again we aren’t staying very long.” Miyuki the girl over up and down and smirked. “Unfortunately. I like talking to cute waitresses,” Miyuki added with a wink.
“I-I’ll be right back,” Sayaka stuttered her cheeks rosy red. I watched as the poor girl tripped on her way back to the kitchen. Miyuki watched her amused. I gaped at her boldness.
“Cute. What time do you think she gets off?” She asked me.
“I-! am not sure,” I answered still surprised at what I just witnessed. She shrugged.
“Whatever I’ll ask her before we leave. I still have a day to burn after all,” Miyuki said. I looked at her surprised. I assumed she be staying longer.
“Surprised? Don’t be. I know when I am an unwelcome guest,” Miyuki told me. I know that comment was meant to make me feel bad, but it didn’t. The sooner she left the better.
“What did you want to talk about?” I asked her remembering the purpose of our visit. Miyuki studied me and sighed.
“Do you like Jurina?” She finally asked. I was taken aback by the sudden question. I wondered if I would ever get used to the girl’s boldness.
“I-I’m sorry?” I stuttered. Miyuki looked annoyed.
“I asked if you liked Jurina. And don’t bother lying. I can see right through it,” Miyuki warned.
“W-Well she is a good friend and-“
“You’re lying,” Miyuki interrupted. I sighed. I didn’t feel comfortable admitting my feelings, but as I felt Miyuki’s sharp eyes I realize she was going to let me off the hook until I did.
“Fine. I like her. A lot. Happy?” I replied annoyed. It felt strange. This was the first time I admitted my feelings out loud. It was scary, but it also made me feel lighter. Miyuki groaned at my reply.
“Ugh this is so annoying. Listen I want to like you. I do because Jurina really likes you. She has never liked someone like this you know. Like ever. But you are keeping playing with my best friend’s feelings and that is not cool. If you like her you need to say it and be clear. None of this wish-washy crap. I hate people like that. Also, you best friend is a fucking jerk,” Miyuki huffed. She said this so quickly I nearly missed half of it.
“Airi? You met Airi?” I asked surprised. This is not how I expected this conversation to go. I was honestly ready for the girl to try to push me away from Jurina. I was still confused as to why she thought Airi was a jerk though.
“Yes! Thanks to you two Jurina is in my hotel room getting wasted. Mind you I would normally join her, but it’s like 10 in the morning. Plus she pissed and that no fun,” Miyuki pointed out massaging her temples.
“Wait a minute I can see how she is mad at me. But Airi? What did Airi do?” I asked. Miyuki sighed.
“Well…”
…
-An hour and half earlier-
“What was that about? I thought you weren’t sleeping with her?” Miyuki questioned.
“I- “
Jurina didn’t get to finish before Airi walked out of the café.
“Shit,” Airi groaned running her fingers though her hair.
“Airi! I am guessing Rena was here with you before she snapped at me for no reason?” Jurina asked.
“I am going to take a wild guess and say that is your friend Miyuki,” Airi said. Jurina nodded.
“Cute girls can call me Milky,” Miyuki stated not helping the situation. Jurina almost cried right there and then. Airi raised an eyebrow.
“I have a girlfriend,” she answered giving Miyuki a wary look. Miyuki grinned.
“That’s never stopped me,” Miyuki replied with a smirk.
“Okay I am going to pray that you didn’t introduce her,” Airi told her. She turned to Miyuki, “No offense.” “None taken. I get that a lot,” Miyuki replied.
“Can we skip the pleasantries? What the hell is going on?” Jurina demanded. Airi gave me a sad look.
“Jurina I think it should be rather obvious. C’mon you can’t possibly be that dense. I mean you have that as your best friend,” Airi said gesturing towards Miyuki. Jurina closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to calm herself.
“Enlighten me,” Jurina said through gritted teeth.
“Rena likes you. I thought was obvious,” Airi pointed out. Jurina sighed.
“I know that. God, I think even Daichi knows that,” Jurina answered.
“Well then how do you think she feels seeing you making out with a girl and then taking her off to coffee?” Airi questioned. Oh… Of course, Rena was
jealous. Jurina knew she shouldn’t be happy about it, but she was.
“Oh, wipe that grin off your face. Listen Rena isn’t the type that likes to be lied to and she thinks you lied about not sleeping with other girls,” Airi told her.
“But I haven’t slept with other girls!” Jurina shot back.
“Umm I am standing right here,” Miyuki waved.
“I meant like other than you,” Jurina answered.
“Wait you slept with her? I thought you just kissed,” Airi said. Miyuki laughed.
“Jurina and me? Just kiss? Have you meet Jurina?” Miyuki asked. Airi ignored her.
“God dammit Jurina! You should have kept it in your pants! Now Rena is never going to trust you again,” Airi hissed.
“Are you serious? I mean I get it she is jealous, but it’s not like we are dating,” Jurina shot back.
“Well you’ll never be if you keep acting like a slut,” Airi scoffed. Jurina looked at her in shock. Airi must have she realized what she said because her eyes grew wide.
“Wow… Just wow… You know what maybe it is better this way. I’ve never known how to keep it in my pants anyways. I am clearly not good enough for you guys. C’mon Miyuki. Let’s go,” Jurina told Miyuki.
“Wait Jurina I didn’t mean that…” Airi said.
“Whatever… I can’t believe I ever wanted to stay here,” Jurina scoffed. Jurina grabbed Miyuki’s hand and started guiding her towards her house. Then she remembered Rena lived right next door. Jurina stopped.
“Where are you staying at?” Jurina asked her.
“At a hotel in the center of town,” Miyuki replied.
“Good. We’ll go there,” Jurina answered curtly.
“Jurina? Do you want to talk about it?” Miyuki asked concerned.
“No, I just want to get drunk.”
…
I smacked my face with the palm of my hand in frustration. I loved Airi. I did, but she had a habit of always saying what was on her mind without considering how she might hurt people. Jurina was trying so hard to be good and fit in. She was trying so hard to get past her old image. And we repay her by insulting her the first setback she has. Not to mention Jurina was right. She had no obligation to be loyal to me. She could sleep with whoever she liked. We weren’t dating. Airi said this herself. This was such a mess.
“I… I need to talk to her,” I told her my voice desperate. Miyuki smiled and pulled out a card.
“This is the card to my hotel room. The room number is written on there. Now go get your girl,” Miyuki said with a smile. I got up and just as I was about to leave Miyuki stopped me.
“Oh, and Rena? Jurina and I have done some pretty shitty things, but she is still my friend. Screw her over and you deal with me. Got it?” Miyuki threaten all while wearing a smile. I felt shivers going down my spine, but was equally touched. Jurina might have underestimated her friendship with Miyuki.
“I will. Also, I think you need to talk to her too,” I told her. Miyuki looked at me confused.
“I think Jurina is under the impression you won’t be her friend unless she is messing around with you. But I think you care about her a lot. You should tell her that,” I explained. Miyuki sighed.
“Yeah I know. Truthfully that why I am here. I screamed some pretty shitty things before she left and I wanted to clear the air. But that can wait. Now go,” Miyuki waved her hand shooing me away. I quickly realized the girl didn’t like talking about her feelings. I smiled. Suddenly all my previous distaste for the girl had faded. I realized she wasn’t that bad of a person. Just lost.
“You are not that bad Miyuki,” I told her with a grin. The girl blushed and rolled her eyes.
“Even if I am about to sleep with our waitress the first chance I get?” Miyuki questioned with a raised eyebrow. I laughed at this.
“I am pretty sure she is straight and has a boyfriend. It’s a small town,” I told her. Miyuki chuckled.
“Oh, you clearly haven’t seen me try,” Miyuki stated watching the girl like a cat watches a canary. I sigh and took this as my cue to leave.
“Bye Miyuki,” I waved as I left, but the girl was too preoccupied to notice.
Suddenly I felt bad for our waitress. The feeling didn’t last long. I had other things to worry about. Like what would I say to Jurina. The walk to the hotel wasn’t long, but it gave me time to think. I wasn’t ready for a relationship with Jurina right now, but I think the girl should know. About my feelings. It was scary. When I thought about telling her upfront about how I felt, I wanted to turn back and lock myself in my room. However, it needed to be said. If Jurina didn’t want to be my friend afterwards so be it, but if our friendship was going to work I needed to be honest. I needed to apologize and be honest about the reason I got mad at her. I took a deep breath as I stood in front of the hotel. Here comes nothing.
I looked at the card. Room 402. Okay Rena. You can do this. I walked inside and made my way towards the elevators. I briefly wondered what kind of parents gave their child the money to go on a vacation like this. This hotel was a luxury hotel. Most people stay here while they visited the nearby hot spring resort. It was crazy expensive. Who was Miyuki? I didn’t dwell not it too much, however because before I knew it the elevator door open. I was almost there and I did not feel ready. I walked searching for the number until I finally found it. I felt my heart racing in my chest. It was now or never. I made this far I couldn’t run away. Not anymore.
I walked inside only to find Jurina making out with a girl I figured was a staff of the hotel judging by her uniform. I wanted to get angry, but I couldn’t. This was partly my fault and again I had no right. I cleared my throat. The two girls broke away and Jurina giggled.
“I-It’s Rena,” Jurina slurred. Oh god she was drunk. I mean I shouldn’t be that surprised, but it had only been an hour since everything had gone down. That was fast. The other girl just looked annoyed at being interrupted. I sighed. Normally I would have been embarrassed, but it has been a long day.
“Okay you need to leave now,” I stated scratching the back of my neck. This was so awkward. The girl glared at me.
“No, you need to leave we were in the middle of something,” the girl huffed. I closed my eyes trying not to lose my patience. The girl sounded drunk as well. Jurina didn't say anything. She just watched us dumbfounded.
“Look I need to talk to her alone. Now will you go or am I going to have to call your boss?” I asked the girl. I wouldn’t do it seeing all the alcohol in the room considering we were all underage. Hopefully the girl couldn’t see I was buffing. She frowned.
“Fine!” she snapped getting off the bed. She kissed Jurina’s forehead to which Jurina replied with a goofy smile.
“Call me when she leaves,” the girl told her. Finally, I lost my patience.
“Get out before I drag you out myself,” I yelled. With that the girl hurried out struggling to put her shoes on. Finally, it was just me and a very drunk Jurina. It was going to be impossible to talk to her now. We were both quiet until I notice something bright pink on Jurina’s forehead. I tried no to laugh, but lost it. Jurina gave me the cutest confused look ever. I almost wanted to pull out my phone and take a picture.
“What?” Jurina asked confused.
“Eww, she got her lipstick on you. You look funny,” I pointed out while giggling. Jurina pouted.
“I do not! I was having fun until you came. You were mean and you are being mean again,” Jurina huffed. I smiled. Drunk Jurina was like an oversized puppy. It was not what I expected at all.
“Right right stay there,” I told the girl heading towards the restroom. I grabbed a wet paper towel. I came back to the room to find Jurina drinking out of a bottle again. I took it away. Jurina tried to cling to it, but I was way stronger than at the moment.
“No more drinks for you. You had enough,” I told her. Jurina sulked.
“Rena is no fun!” she exclaimed. I laughed at this.
“Believe me you will thank me later,” I replied as picked up the scattered bottle and put them in the trash. Finally, I sat next to her. She was ignoring me. I was so cute I wanted to pitch her cheeks.
“Turn around,” I told her. Jurina turned to face me a pout on her face.
“What? Came to insult me some more? Call me a slut?” Jurina snapped. My heart dropped as I remembered why I was there in the first place. Jurina might not be sober right now, but she still remembered what happened. She was still mad. I sighed and placed my hand on her cheek. She looked surprised. I pulled her hair back and began wiping the lipstick off her face. The hotel girl hadn’t just gotten her forehead. It was on her cheeks, my lips and her neck. I swallowed as I cleaned her face. I don’t think Jurina’s face had ever been so close to mine before.
She was so beautiful. Her skin was so soft too. I gently wiped her forehead, checks, and even her lips my hands shaking. This was affecting me more than it should. I should stop, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t until I got to her neck that I briefly paused before pressing down the wet towel against it. Jurina let out a soft moan that surprised us both. I jumped back surprised. I bit my lip when I saw the way she was looking at me. Her eyes half lidded and her shirt unbuttoned. I haven’t noticed it before, but her lacey black bra was visible. There was a moment of silence. The air somewhat charged around us. And then she pounced. Before I knew it was pressed between the bed and her warm body. I gasped as I saw her towering over me.
“J-Jurina…” I squeaked. I should have pushed her away, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to move. I was stuck in my spot as she hovered above me.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” she muttered her voice low and seductive.
And then with no hesitation her lips captured mine.