Thank you everyone for the comments and likes! I'm so sorry making everyone wait 
I've been in a bit of a motivation funk, and with exams coming, I don't think I'll be able to update any of my fics any time soon, but hopefully everyone will wait for me...
Anyways, hope you enjoy the second and final instalment of this two-shot and don't forget to comment 
Tragic NotionsWhen you’re trapped and have nowhere to go, time is an insignificant element.
Yet it is your only friend, the only thing that develops, is constant, and continues alongside you as you age and grow old with each day closer to your eventual death.
Part 2I looked at the last pill in my bowl, the light from the tiny window of my cell reflecting the white powdery shimmer into my eyes. It’s strange that such a small thing was supposedly meant to control me. I threw it into my mouth and tossed back my head. There was a sense of melancholy as I swallowed it. And along with it, the tingle of arriving freedom. Suddenly, the locks on my heavily bolted door rattled, signalling the finality of my release. A guard nodded at me and I recognised this as a sign to follow.
As I walked past the rows of identical rooms, with much less security than what mine had, I realised I was being watched. Every pair of eyes was on me, no matter how crazed they were. At first, I pondered why I was the centre of attention. Every day we had someone be released, or admitted, and there was no big fuss. The screams and shouts covered the news of loss or addition. However, when I walked towards the door, there was absolute silence.
Suddenly, I felt empowered, like I was being blessed. This was no ordinary day and I was no ordinary person. I was the woman who murdered a man, still considered the craziest acts of insanity, and I was being released back into the real world, the world of the sane. They were staring because I was their beacon. If the insane woman who killed a man could be rehabilitated, perhaps there was hope for them too. Then, opening the always locked door, I was shown a world I had constantly remembered and forgotten all at once.
I changed into the same clothes that I had the day of my admission, my bright red kimono now dulled into a gloomy scarlet. I clasped the few belongings that I had during the day of my imprisonment and delivered during my sentence; my small purse, its contents, and my letter of disowner-ship from the Kashiwagi family.
Then, the standing guards opened the very same door I was pushed through and they let me go. I was suddenly hit by a wall of fresh air and bright light.
Finally, I was outside.
I walked away from the institution and didn’t look back.
~ XxXxX ~
Having little money didn’t take me far. Even though walking was free of charge; the price I had to pay was with the pain my feet felt after an hour in sandals treading on an uneven dirt road. I didn’t know how long it took to me get to the nearest village, but I knew it must have taken at least a few hours because by the time I got there, the sun was at its highest point in the sky, like a signal of my arrival.
At this peak time, even at the border of the community, there was a flock of noise. People and animals rushed around as if today was their last. Just being released on the same morning, it was overwhelming to say the least. This was the reality that I now had to live in, and it was more chaotic than the free time at the institution.
Even so, I had to organise myself. My first priority was to get a place and call it home. Then find a job. Thankfully it was summer so the days were long and I had more time to search for a new home. Walking through the bustling streets, I had never felt so surrounded yet alone, like a lone fish swimming in the deep ocean.
Luck must have finally been on my side after all those year of suffering because it wasn’t too long before I noticed a sign at a shop window. It said ‘Help Wanted’ and I quickly grabbed this chance. From its modest appearance, I wondered if its business was also unpretentious. When I cautiously stepped inside I instantly was wrapped by the cool air, a relief from the sweltering heat outside. Feeling my kimono quickly become cool, rather than a heavy insulating blanket, I realised it was a small antique shop. Artefacts and relics crammed together on the many rows of shelves and displays. It was like a library except instead of books, old objects took their place. The smell of old wood, expensive ink and scented opium made that evident that most, if not everything, was from everywhere but Japan. It was a stark contrast to the clean, bare and sterile environment of the institution.
Like a careless and curious child, I tried to touch everything, brushing my hand against the many textures. I could have browsed for hours, glancing at all the different items, if it wasn’t for spotting the hunched woman at the counter far into the shop, almost hidden in the shadows of towering shelves.
Cautiously, I approached the woman until I stood opposite her with only the distance of the small counter, the gap the same width I had between the guards and myself when I was in my cell room. However, this elderly woman’s face was much more different than the hardened faces of those guards. Lines of the years she had lived etched her skin, her hair glistened silver with all the problems she had faced, her probably bright eyes wrinkled shut with the endless laughter she had experienced and a withered smile showed the sorrows she had crossed.
“Hello young one.” the woman suddenly croaked. “How may help you?”
“I saw your sign.”
“Ah yes.” she concluded, not letting me continue as if she knew exactly why I was there. “Come this way.”
I did as I was told, following the woman as she hobbled out back. As I entered deeper into the store, it seemed impossible, but there was even more trinkets scattered everywhere I looked. Boxes stacked dangerously high, probably full with objects far older than the woman I followed, who even though was hunched over, manoeuvred herself easily through the pile of items and slipped through the closely positioned shelves while I tripped and squeezed tiredly behind her. By the time I was finally led into a clear square and taken up worryingly creaky wooden stairs, I was covered with so much dust that my hair almost matched the colour of the woman’s. Patting myself quickly, I saw the woman had already sat down at a small table, the same size as the counter downstairs. Seeing her give a brief nod, I sat myself across her. Even now, I held manners as my top self-rule.
“What did you say your name was?” she asked.
I didn’t.
“Kobayashi Yuki.” I easily answered.
“That’s a lovely name.” she said.
“Thank you.”
It was not only a nice name but a very common one. I needed a new identity where I could blend in and not be easily remembered.
She asked another question. “Have you ever worked before?”
“Yes. At a sweet shop.”
I hadn’t worked a day in my life.
“So you know how to handle money?”
“Yes.”
Another lie. It tasted bitter sweet in my mouth. But it was addicting, and I wasn’t ready to surrender.
“When can you start?”
“Immediately.”
She softly smiled at my single truth. With a single nod, I knew I got the job. I couldn’t help but smile myself. That was one worry sorted. Now for the other.
“May I ask one question?”
“Of course dear.”
“Do you know if anyone has a spare room to hire?”
The old woman smiled again, like she had a sweet secret and I was the person she could finally tell.
~ XxXxX ~
It had been a week since I had lived with Oba-chan and never have I felt a presence of another woman so much within my life. I know I was surrounded by countless female attendees but they were only blank faces to me, faceless people that served me and acted on my every word. Oba-chan was the first older woman that cared for me; providing me a home, cooking meals for me, brushing my hair, making my baths and every other deed that symbolised tenderness.
I wondered if this was what it was like to have a mother. However, even though she tended to me like my own grandmother, if I had one, she knew nothing about me. Nor did she ask; which I was thankful for.
I lied in my semi-new futon like a sick person even though I knew I had to get up to open the shop. It reminded me of the time I was inside, when I was unable to think of anything even though I knew I needed something to distract me, when I didn’t want to do anything because I felt like I was nothing.
With a sudden burst of motivation, which I had felt for the past week and still felt it was something new, I crawled out of the warmth of the futon and got ready. It wasn’t long before I was greeted by the scent of breakfast as I trailed down the creaky, but so far reliable, steps. My maroon coloured kimono moved with me as I bid a good morning to Oba-chan and sat with her as we quietly ate, a comfortable routine. Next, I went through the shelves and into the front room and opened the shop while Oba-chan cleaned the dishes. Everything was ordinary and going according to plan. After, I would sweep the slim layer of dust away from every item while Oba-chan went to the market. Then, when morning became afternoon, Oba-chan would return with bags of groceries which she would put away and she would then sit with me at the counter for an hour, before she left and took her afternoon nap, leaving me alone once more. However, I didn’t mind this because even though I was alone, I always felt her presence; warm and inviting.
Rarely people entered the shop and those that did, were usually browsers who probably just wanted shelter away from the scorching heat. However I didn’t mind. It saved me from having to socialise when my communication skills had dwindled down to almost nothing after so many years of not talking to anyone. Not that it was much in the first place.
I heard the door open and I looked up. Beyond the shelves and through the minimal gaps, I saw the slim figure of a woman who wore a brilliantly bright blue kimono. Immediately I felt conscious of my own dulled kimono and I tucked my sleeves down as if that would hide the faded colour from the woman’s view, knowing this person was different. At the time I was unsure why but my eyes followed her, like a moth following the glow of a lantern. Through the openings between the shelves and many items, I saw her move slowly across the width of the room; her hand touching each item like mine had done before. My head moved up and down as if I was searching for someone lost through a dense crowd that were oblivious to my desperation. I wanted her to come forward so I could see who she was, if her face matched the elegancy of her wear and movement.
As she turned, I caught glimpses of her nose, brow, lips and cheeks. However they weren’t enough to complete the puzzle. She would need to step to the side and come round to the front before the pieces made sense to me.
I didn’t have to wait long before the answer came to me. And with that, shock and horror. Stepping through towards me, the woman lifted her head and our eyes met. Recognition made her freeze, and my muscles seize.
Miyazawa Sae.
Like a tidal wave, I was washed away by the memories of the torturous past, drowned by my suppressed emotions and the little bubbles of what I loved about her floated out of me to the surface. How she laughed, how her eyes slightly scrunched like the corners of paper when she smiled and the fluctuating tone whenever she said my name. Everything that I had once cherished buried me six feet under.
“Ah Sae-chan.” a voice croaked from behind me. “It’s been awhile.”
Immediately Sae-san’s eyes shifted from mine, while I lingered.
“Yes it has Oba-chan.” she answered, her small smile forced.
It’s been so long since I have heard her voice but it is exactly how I remembered.
“How have you been?”
The conversation from then faded. I became detached from everything and only the sight of Sae-san tethered me. I stared at her as she animatedly talked to Oba-chan, just over a metre away from me, completely ignoring my existence, pretending as if she didn’t know me, keeping quiet that she was the reason that I was imprisoned against my will.
As they continued to chat, I silently excused myself and slid upstairs to my room. Though callous on the outside, inside I felt sick to the pit of my stomach and if I stayed longer, I knew I would spew out the disgusting yellowy colour of truth.
~ XxXxX ~
Only a single day had passed since Sae-san’s sudden and completely unexpected visit, and she had haunted me for what felt like an eternity. How all the things she wouldn’t remember are the things that I would never forget just fuelled my despair that holed me in my room even when Oba-chan knocked for dinner, breakfast and lunch. Perhaps I expected more from Sae-san because I thought she would be willing to commit to me as much I was to her. However, I realised much too late that that was just a fickle fantasy.
I heard a knock on my door and assumed it was the Oba-chan. Finally I lifted myself from my futon, the warmth of it already beckoning me back, and opened the door. Again, my blood trickled as if it was ice water, chilling my entire body.
It was not Oba-chan. It was the one person I thought that I would never have to see again but I envision every time I closed my eyes.
It was Sae-san.
~ XxXxX ~
We sat in silence. An infinite silence. It wasn’t like I had an option. She had pushed open the door I had attempted to close and stepped in before I could utter a word. I was the dark room and she was the light that burst in without an invitation. She was the sun that I couldn’t look directly at.
Even so, I couldn’t help but scan her, examine her like Oba-chan’s collections. Sae-san’s hair had been cut short, like a boy’s, different from the long length I had known. Her face was slimmer, older and more mature. However, she was still the same woman I recognised and it pained me to know that.
“How did you find me?” my only question was.
“I didn’t know you lived here. I just came to visit Oba-chan. She used to take care of me when I was younger.”
My reply was silence. My question was answered and then all I wanted was for her to leave.
“How are you now?” she said.
I glanced at her and she was looking down. Even now I can picture the image of lost that Sae-san painted with her slumped shoulders and worried frown. However, I no longer felt angered by the painting. It was only in that moment that I felt like burning her.
“I’m well-adjusted into society now. A model citizen.” I sneer.
Finally she looks up but her gaze quickly darts away. It was like she was too afraid to face me, even though she was the one that barged in on me. This thought only irritated me more and I was about to demand her to leave, when I suddenly heard her whisper.
“What?” I said, her words going unheard, much like my screams during the nights when I remembered her voice.
“How was it?” she muttered.
Amazement and astonishment are two similar words that mean almost the same thing, and both described the feeling that I felt. I wondered what gave her the audacity to come in here and ask me such a thing, of all things. Did Sae-san not know she was the cause of everything?
“Being imprisoned against my will? Being made to speak about my problems, when I didn’t have any except from wanting to get out? Being disowned by my own flesh and blood? It was just fantastic.”
Sarcasm was dripping from my response, much like the red fury that encased the spite within each word.
“I’m sorry.”
My insides shook. I didn’t have an answer. The shattered pieces of my heart shuddered within me, never to be replaced. Her simple words opened the wound that wasn’t even healed enough to be a scab.
I stare and this is the first time since Sae-san has met my gaze and kept it, like she kept the remainder of my sanity. The hazel eyes that I fell in love with glistened and I felt my throat close. Sae-san reached across the table, no man’s land, and grabbed my hands. I gasped with the sudden contact, a flood of memories sweeping me away, the familiar warmth taking away the oxygen from my lungs.
“It has been three years and I have felt and thought of nothing other than you.” she mustered.
I couldn’t help but snort with disgust. Disgusted by her audacity. Revolted by the sudden rush of unwanted happiness that ran through me. I pulled my hands, but I was surprised when Sae-san held on, still looking at me earnestly. It was my turn to tear my gaze away because I couldn’t bear to let her see me crumble.
“I thought, when there was no way out, love was the only way.” I explained. “But you never came. Do you know how long I waited? How long I have thought of you?”
I took a heavy breath in; my body jittered; only Sae-san’s grip keeping me intact. Without my command, tears started to seep from me. I shake my head, defying my ability to live through this again. I couldn’t do it again.
“Look at me.” she said. “Look at me.”
I looked at her, the evidence of my tears still on my cheeks.
“Come back.” Sae-san pleaded. “Come back to me.”
The surprise caught in my throat. Though I thought I had seen every emotion that could appear on Sae-san’s face, I realised I had never seen her cry. The tiny liquid crystals transparent as the window of my cell and her desperation. She was the woman that made me feel everything. Lust, love, trust and hate. I guess that was what made me feel that I knew her. Which just made my sentence more devastating that I wanted it to be.
At the beginning of my imprisonment, I was unable to accept our separation.
One part of me had missed her. It missed her so greatly that on some days I would talk to myself and pretend she was there. I fooled myself so hard that some attendees truly thought I was talking to someone but when they came to investigate, saw that there was no one there and just reinforced the belief of my insanity. However, in my eyes, I saw Sae-san as clear as I knew that I was breathing air. Then, on some nights, when I was given my medication, I would cry myself to sleep because the void in my chest was so painful. Her name would be the first thing I said in the morning and the last I whispered before I slept. That was the half of me that continued to truly love Sae.
Then, there was the other part of me. The half that screamed at the imaginary Sae-san for deserting me. The part which threw various items at the Sae-san who simply watched, letting the items go through her and crash against the wall until someone came in and sedated me. Then, in the dream, I would envision the dagger that I would use to pierce her heart and I would watch as she crumbled to the floor, the pool of red as deep as the tears I had cried. When I thought of her, that other half would allow the hate to consume my heart and the flowers of revenge to bloom in the darkest parts of my mind and made me want nothing more than to make her suffer just like I had, only a hundred times worse.
I don’t have to say what half won me over when I agreed to meet Sae the next day.
~ XxXxX ~
That morning was filled with nervous agitation. Nervous as I waited for Sae-san to appear. Agitation at myself for allowing her to make me wait.
Then, without realising, I watched as Sae-san hurried towards me as I sat at the outdoor table, her short hair sticking to her face with a light sheen of sweat and I already felt myself being taken to the enchanted world of pure captivation.
As we sat and drank our jasmine tea, a now normal silence encased us. I wondered if every time we were to meet, our conversation would only consider of a greeting and mental monologues.
“Have you heard about Mayu-chan?”
I didn’t answer, but it did not mean I didn’t notice the familiar, casual address of my dear younger cousin and the tightening of my chest.
“She eloped last year with a young gentleman that served her father. It was quite a scandal.”
This news took me by surprise. I never expected Mayu to be so… promiscuous. However, I knew it would be a scandal, particularly since it included a member of one of the main families that served the emperor. I could just imagine my father’s devastation. First his own daughter was emitted to an institution, next his niece runs away with a commoner. It was unheard of. And a disgrace.
I couldn’t help but smile.
“I’m attending a birthday event next week.” Sae-san continued.
Her continued small talk kept the silence at bay, but had no effect on the jittering imp of awkwardness. I glanced up and saw the glint of expectation.
“Whose is it?” I politely returned, though I cared nothing about it.
“My greatest and most loyal companion.”
I noticed her tone changed and she had a content smile. A smile that I had long locked inside a forbidden box in my mind. This person seemed like someone Sae-san treasured, a flash of a young woman’s face appeared in my head, and I wanted nothing more than to see who this person was.
I didn’t know why she decided to mention this to me. I contemplated on the idea that she wanted to take me too. However, she didn’t and the silent monster crept up on us. I didn’t ask if I could attend with her.
“Shall we move on?”
I wondered if there was a double meaning behind that question. That question I had always asked myself but seemed impossible to answer. I felt my mouth open with a mute response. However, Sae-san had already stood, letting myself hang in limbo. Yet, I agreed and let myself be carried away once again.
~ XxXxX ~
The wind gusted against me, like the memories of the time I spent in this garden. The Miyazawa gardens. It was as if the heavens didn’t want me there, warned me to go before it was too late. However, it was already too late from the moment I saw Sae-san enter the store.
We walked aimlessly together, like the times from three years ago. Every now and again, her hand would brush against mine and I would feel my breath being taken away, like ice was being blown into me, inflating the hope that I didn’t want to grow. And when she touched me, I automatically flinched away. Perhaps Sae-san noticed because it seemed like every touch lingered for just a second longer, as if I was being broken in. Though I thought not, it worked. Gradually I became used to it, and before long she was holding my hand. I was made to endure the warmth that her hand brought to me, and I guiltily enjoyed it.
I turned to her and she smiled.
“It’s beautiful today.” Sae-san said.
And indeed it was. I never did take notice of the beauty of the Miyazawa abode, too focussed on the woman next to me. It’s odd when something so mundane could change when another view is taken.
“You’re beautiful.”
I felt my head turn to Sae-san again, my eyes widening. I didn’t know when we stopped, but I froze from the shock.
“Yuki…”
I felt her grasp on my hands tighten and on my heart, my gaze and chest freezing.
“I love you.”
~ XxXxX ~
My soul was rejoicing.
My mind was singing.
I felt as if I was making a huge mistake.
~ XxXxX ~
We rented a room in a local inn and as soon as we entered the dark room, we fell onto the futon in a passionate tangle. My lips were sealed with her kiss and my gasps were swallowed by her mouth. Her name slipped from my tongue when I felt her lips on my neck, as if it was permanently tattooed on the roof of my mouth. I felt the prickle of desire run down my chest, my stomach and my groin.
She begged, I fulfilled.
I moaned, she repeated what she was doing.
She sung like the birds that woke me up in the mornings during my days in the mental ward. Excited, frantic, high-pitched and annoying.
I cried out like the sudden anger that swept through me and producing the aggravated sound that I would release.
We joined as one as my insides tore apart.
~ XxXxX ~
The next morning was the end of the dream.
When I awoke I found myself staring at a face. In the awkward phase of being suspended between sleep and awake, it took me a moment to realise who I was facing. Suddenly, memories of last night struck my eyes into focus. I stared at Sae-san’s peaceful expression, never having been this close to her face since ever. I remember when I thought this was only a wild fantasy. I thought about how wonderful it would be to wake up next to her. And how impossible it would be.
Now, I laid next to Sae-san, her bare skin stuck to mine. I stared at the black spider leg lashes that bordered her closed eyes as I felt her constant and reassuring exhale on my cheek. I allowed myself to be slowly dragged by the soft waves of yearning out to the ocean of adulation even though I knew I would be inevitably drowned by the growing weight of my own selfish desires.
Her eyes fluttered open and I smiled at the brief, dazed look that reminded me of a baby just waking from its slumber.
“Morning.” Sae-san mist-fully greeted.
I smiled. “Good morning.”
She contently grinned and rolled onto her back, stretching with her arms raised, her toes peeking from the cover, her whine and face contorted like a cat.
“I could get used to this.” Sae-san mused, flipping to her stomach, laying her head on the pillow and once again looked at me.
I continued to softly smile, gently running her finger tips across the soft back, thinking about how it felt different to last night, where it was slick with sweat and exertion. Sae-san purred contently and I watched as her eyes closed, blissfully vulnerable. The cogs in my brain turned. This was my chance.
“Introduce me.” I spoke.
Her eyes opened and stared at me. I saw the sharp concern and worry. I did the only thing I knew could calm her.
I cupped her cheek and I felt Sae-san physically relaxed against my hand as if she had finally surrendered to her exhaustion. Her hand came to press against mine and she tightly held on to it, clinging on so I wouldn’t let go. I smiled again, reassuringly. I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her trembling cheek.
“Trust me.”
~ XxXxX ~
Akimoto Sayaka was not who I envisioned to be.
Akimoto-san, Sae-san’s best childhood friend, was a dark beauty. Her handsome face placed on top of a tall stature matching that of Sae-san’s, perhaps even taller, with their riches matching their height, gave me an impression of a lion. Majestic and proud. I was surprised that I have never seen her before. Perhaps she was as much of a fan of these events as I was. Yet when I glimpsed at her from a distance, I could see the easy smile that resembled Sae-san’s. Only hers seemed more polite, rather than genuine.
However, Akimoto-san was not the only one I didn’t recognise. Bar from Sae-san, everyone was a new face. Either that or it was mutual forgetfulness. Misplacement of a gentleman’s face and the identity of a young woman. Perhaps the only recognisable thing about me, if anything, was my trademark red kimono, newly purchased by Sae-san. A gift amongst many; bribery for my forgiveness. I accepted every item and word.
We passed through the mist of people, giving brief greetings, until an invisible clearing appeared in front of the birthday girl. I curtsied when Sae-san introduced me, Akimoto-san’s broad smile and lingering gaze not going unnoticed by me. I’ve seen that look before. Countless times I have seen it reflected back at me in mirrors, windows and the pupils of Sae-san’s eyes. It was when I felt like time suspended and I was afloat, filled with the light and rose-scented air of infatuation. It was the look I had every time I thought of or saw Sae-san.
It was the look of love.
~ XxXxX ~
The night progressed on and I rarely strayed from Sae-san’s side. However, I did notice that Akimoto-san wasn’t too far behind me when I walked away. I wondered if I acted the same; desperate and consumed.
I most probably did, if not more desperate and consumed by my adoration. However, if I didn’t act as I did, I wouldn’t have called it love.
I may have been too quick to label what I felt for Sae-san when what I thought we had had been love. However, for me, love was what it was. An inexplicable, dangerous tsunami of pure emotion. The whirlpool of feelings which I was so gladly and ready to jump into, just so I could experience the push and pull of want and need.
However, back then, I was naïve. Now, I am practiced and like I was, Akimoto-san was drowning in her own desires. And I wanted to use this to my advantage.
Knowing full well what I saw, I decided to test my hypothesis.
I quietly disappeared from Sae-san’s side as she talked to some gentlemen I have never, and would likely not again, seen. Gliding towards the low balcony that led outwards to the night view of the Akimoto estates, I pretended not to notice Akimoto-san follow, stalking me like I was a rabbit and she were a fox. However, was she as cunning as one, it was anyone’s guess.
“It’s a beautiful night.”
Akimoto-san’s voice carried in the darkness, lit by the party behind us and her enthusiasm. She stood next to me, placing her hands on the wooden rail, her words ringing the memory of Sae-san’s similar words.
“Yes it is.”
“May I be impudent and ask a question Yuki-san?”
I revelled in the honorifics used after my name. I had forgotten how long it had been since I had been addressed in such a fashion. I felt important, like royalty.
“Of course. And please call me Yuki.”
She beamed like a child receiving a brand new toy. “Likewise; call me Sayaka.”
I smiled but didn’t answer. If I couldn’t’ address Sae-san nonchalantly, there was no way I would address someone like her so causally. However, I only said this in my head. In practice, I would do anything she asked.
“How do you know Sae?” she went on to ask. “I’ve never heard her mention a thing about you.”
I felt her intense stare and I saved it. “Let’s just say we go way back.”
“Well I can imagine why she would keep you a secret. You are incredibly beautiful. If I were her, I would keep you all to myself.”
Her playful and somewhat arrogant tone made me turn to Akimoto-san and I smiled. I took a bold step forward, like she did with her first question, and I lightly brushed my fingertips on her arm before dropping them. I tiptoed up and lingered, letting her inhale my scent before I placed a light kiss on hot cheek. Then, I placed my mouth next to her ear just so my lips just skimmed the hot skin of her ear.
“We should do this again.”
Taking I step back, I observed her reaction. She looked dazed and I smiled. If she was a fox, I was a hound. She was caught in my teeth. I stepped back into the party, leaving her lingering with my whisper, not bothering to look back. She was mine.
~ XxXxX ~
There had been countless times where I thought about committing suicide. In my mind I could easily count each of the moments where I thought about what method to use. Should I have had hung myself with my own robes, slit my wrists with the shards of broken china or let myself starve to death? It was my choice how I would disappear from the senseless and helpless world. If I were to go, there wouldn’t be a loss. The stars would still appear, the sun would still rise, the seasons would still change, the people will still move on.
So, why shouldn’t I disappear? Dozens would take my place. My death being their birthday.
However, though I was alone, I was never left by myself. Guards constantly stood outside my cell, rotating along with the moving Earth. Even when I felt most depressed, like my body emitted only pain, my mind cold with the dark thoughts and my heart empty of any positive emotion, I couldn’t take my life. Though I gave myself so many choices, I couldn’t pick any of them. I wondered if this was hell, where I had no free-will and was made to suffer continuously. I didn’t have anything or anyone to live for. I thought all hope was gone and that anything I did was just a feeble attempt to continue. No one was coming for me. I would remain broken and no one would fix me.
Then, I gave myself a purpose.
~ XxXxX ~
I didn’t know how Akimoto-san knew where I lived but it made everything easier.
She called on me and I followed, just like a dog. Taking advantage and using her was easy enough. Akimoto-san was infatuated, borderline obsessed, with me and I fed off it like a greedy blood-sucker. Regenerated by being wanted, I allowed Akimoto-san to grant her impure desires as reward for fulfilling my personal wishes. I let her do whatever she wanted with me and I did whatever she wanted me to do. In return for feeding me information about the Miyazawa clan. The only condition I had was no kissing.
Honestly, it was a mild miracle that Sae-san and Akimoto-san never met at the same time they visited me. However, I knew that the Miyazawa clan was lenient, but when it came to the only daughter within the family, amongst the three siblings, Sae-san was held on tighter. And when she could send a tender to my house, if Akimoto-san was here, I would tell her I was working and could not come with her, even though it risked my reputation. However, Sae-san’s family knew nothing about me. In turn, Sae-san knew nothing of Akimoto-san’s betrayal. And Akimoto-san knew how to keep a secret. She was a fox.
As time passed, I was slowly losing patience. Perhaps my idea wasn’t as well planned as I wanted it to be. Most of the information I received was useless.
That is, until one night.
I stared at Akimoto-san’s muscular back, the candle light reflecting the soft sheen of drying sweat off her skin. As I examined her body, I mentally compared it to Sae-san’s. Her hair was longer, lighter and coarser than the thick, glossy raven mass that I had gripped when Sae-san kissed my stomach. Akimoto-san’s skin was two tones darker than the light skin that glistened in the morning sun of the Miyazawa gardens.
As I compared the two women who were so alike yet so different, I thought of the next night. It was the night that the Miyazawa clan would dine with the king. The perfect setting.
All I had to do was simply watch as the world fell around her.
~ XxXxX ~
Everything was gloriously decorated and purposely placed. I could feel the nervousness radiating from Sae-san and the edginess from Akimoto-san. I walked into the mass of people, with the two women that had touched me on either side of me. Then, spotting the photographer, most likely from the local newspaper ready to mark this special day, I silently left the two to start my plan. None of them noticed, too busy greeting all the people who were socially more important than me.
It was easy to manipulate him, almost easier than using Akimoto-san. All there left was the second and final part of plan and all would end.
I returned to the crowd, weaving through like thread through a needle until I reached Sae-san. She beamed when she realised it was me clasping her hand and she led me to a quiet spot behind a large carved dragon statue. My back pressed against the cool stone as Sae-san hovered closely to me, her hand twirling a strand of hair between her fingers. Then, she grabbed the back of my head, passionately claiming my lips. My eyes stayed open with slight surprise, never seeing this possessive act before. Her hand gripped my hair, like I was her prisoner. Perhaps she sensed what I was planning to do next, her instincts sensing the trouble that I would bring for her future self.
However, it seemed the present Sae-san didn’t mind as much because while we kissed, she didn’t even notice the flash or click of a camera. After a moment, Sae-san pulled away and grinned cheekily.
“Meet me in the gardens.” I said.
Her smile grew and she nodded before rushing back towards her family, tending to the emperor. Quickly, I stepped from our hiding place, but instead of following Sae-san, I headed in the opposite direction. I spotted Akimoto-san easily, with her dark purple kimono that matched the colour of the sky, talking to some women. It seemed it was not only Sae-san that attracted the attention of other women. I stood and waited until she looked at me. I didn’t have to wait long. Akimoto-san met my eyes which beckoned her. She smiled before returning her attention back to the women, probably politely excusing herself. I walked through the doors that led to the Miyazawa gardens, feeling the night breeze that was similar to the night of Akimoto-san’s birthday.
Cool and tranquil, the calm before a storm.
Sensing a presence behind me, I turned. I smiled when I saw it was Akimoto-san, her silhouette illuminated by the lights from inside, shining through the screen doors, like she was an angel. When she cupped my cheek I felt indifferent, but I leaned into her touch, smiling. She was an angel and I was the devil. I passionately accepted Akimoto-san’s kiss and only one moment later, I felt a bright flash of light. I pulled away and turned to the side, pretending to be as shocked as possible. I saw the same photographer as before and Sae-san’s face beside him, the moon’s glow making Sae-san’s beautifully broken expression shine. It was the look of pure devastation and hurt. And like a repeat of history, I met Sae-san’s gaze but instead of me, she was the one that dashed away. Accomplishment swelled within me.
To think, one kiss could change someone’s life entirely.
~ XxXxX ~
It’s funny how revenge can motivate a person. Of course, when I was first released, it wasn’t my initial intention to make it my aim to ruin Sae-san’s life. In fact, I didn’t even expect to ever see her again. It was just a simple fantasy that kept me from going off the deep end. The fact that my wish was granted was just a dream come true.
Betrayal is something that cannot be easily forgiven. Particularly by someone of the likes of me. However time was on my side and an elaborate plan planted and grew in my mind as hate brewed within me as the years passed with me entrapped in the mental institute, until it was time to carry it out.
I learned that day, the day when I witnessed Sae-san, the day I killed a man, the day I lost everything, I learned a lesson.
Love isn’t enough.
It was quite hilarious really, for what one photograph can do, particularly one of a kiss between two women, especially if one of them was the daughter of an important diplomat. Days passed with news of my infidelity and Sae-san’s disgrace. Articles filled with the shame brought upon the Miyazawa and Akimoto families because of Sae-san’s love for me, a penniless woman.
That moment where her world feel apart and all she could do was stare blankly. The moment I cherished.
It’s strange that the woman who claimed knew everything about me knew nothing of my plan and her impending doom.
Even I knew my mind was warped.
~ XxXxX ~
I don’t know what made me decide to take a walk that night. It may have been because I’ve been holed up in the store for the past days, waiting for things to calm down so people wouldn’t recognise me from the papers. I wanted to feel the cool air on my skin, feel the open air enter my lungs and slip from my mouth like a loving whisper. Another possibility was that I wanted time for myself to think what to do next. With my l goal finished, I had to find another life ambition. I pondered if I should leave and travel; see the world that I wouldn’t have seen if I remained within the Kashiwagi family or in the intuition. Maybe meeting Sae-san was actually a good thing, without her making me see the reality of the cruel world; I wouldn’t have the chance of seeing it in action.
I froze when I heard steps behind me. I swung round and stopped when I saw who it was.
Sae-san.
I didn’t know if it was the flicking light above us or if it was actually Sae-san’s body, but she trembled in front of me, like she was holding something in that wanted nothing but out.
“How could you humiliate me like that?” she screamed. “I would never hurt you the way you hurt me!”
“But you already did.” I retorted. “You hurt me in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine. What goes around… comes round.”
There was a silence. A hush that echoed inside the empty me. I observed as Sae-san took a step closer, making me witness the pure rage that she wore like a mask. From her snarling mouth to her piercing glare to her dishevelled hair, she looked like a completely different person. She looked like the peple I left at the institution.
Suddenly, Sae-san slowly pulled out a black object from her kimono. It reflected the lamp’s light, glinting the light towards me. I knew immediately what it was. It was a developing weapon that Westerners were frequently using. It was somewhat similar to Akimoto-san. It was a dark, slim and beautiful.
It was a pistol.
Sae-san held it out in front of her and faced it towards me, point-blank. It shook along with Sae-san’s body. Even with the single source of light, I could see the sweat on her forehead, her brows furrowed with fright.
I could only laugh.
Guffaw at Sae-san’s ridiculous act and what I had become. I admired the monstrosity that I had turned into. Its hideous arms tangled me in its web while I laid in wait ready to be devoured. As I laughed, I saw Sae-san’s muscles clench and her hands trembled even more than before. Then her eyes closed with defeat and her arms dropped as if all strength had been drained from her. I smirked. It was my victory and she would have to suffer with what she did to me. Let it haunt her for eternity.
I was about to voice my triumph when suddenly I heard the gunshot. It shook my body and deafened me, even though I heard it echo across the village. I felt my body go from hot to cold in a second and I felt something damp on my kimono, like someone had splashed water on me. It wasn’t long before I realised the wet feeling I felt on my shirt came from me. Then I looked down, stared at the crimson stain that just grew from where my heart should be. I looked back up to face Sae-san, only to find she had long disappeared, leaving only a smoking gun.
She had left me alone again.
I fell, collapsing onto the dirty pavement, lying on the grimy leftovers of last night’s rainfall. I had enough strength to turn over onto my back before the pain was too much, overwhelming every nerve of my body. Silence filled my being, reminding me of the day I witnessed Sae-san betray me, the day I was released and when I was met Sae-san again. An unknown peacefulness swelled in me, one that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I stared up to the night sky, as my life bled from me, seeing the stars that I had observed all the nights before that led up until now.
Perhaps if I wasn’t such a bitch, I wouldn’t be dying.
What a tragic notion.
Topic: Melon's one-shots [Not That Type of Girl (SaeYuki) - 27/05/2015] (Read 22068 times)