Memories is like a videotape that Jurina plays everyday. Again and again. A movie she watches everyday and knows every single detail yet never gets bored. Jurina’s afraid if she didn’t play it every day, she would forget everything. Memories and dreams have a similarity: they do hurt people by things that seem very real but actually not. However, Murakami Haruki is correct. “No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.”
This is the last summer of Jurina’s college life. She will be a senior next year. The reason why Jurina can enjoy her summer as a lazy cat is that she already got a job after the job hunting season in spring. Jurina finds it hard for her to live as a normal person. When she was an idol, she obviously led a different life from other. When she’s no longer an idol, she leads a life as a disable girl. No matter how many efforts are made, there’s no way for a disable to treat equally as other people or at least how she sees herself. A disable is still a disable. Jurina’s gone through three years in college thank to supports from special equipment and private tutors. She’s not super smart, but she’s a bright kid. She’s not a kind of student that aces all the tests, but she never fails. She maintains a good status despite her disability. The ace of SKE can’t give up.
Jurina always starts with first days, first generation members, first stages, first fans… Jurina never thought that everything can be that vibrant. After she lost her vision, everything is more vibrant. She regrets a little bit. She regrets not being able to perform more on team S stage. Being an ace of SKE, Jurina unfortunately spent most of her time with AKB activities as a senbatsu member. Excuses could be made: activities duplication or health problem. However, it was hard to be accepted many times especially when she was an absolute ace of SKE. If Jurina had been able to roll back the time, she would have been braver to say “no” with AKB activities and devoted herself to SKE more. But yeah, “What was lost was lost. There was no retrieving it, however you schemed, no returning to how things were, no going back.” (Murakami Haruki)
The hardest time is probably the period she learned to accept the fact that she was going to lose her vision.
“Jurina. It’s wrong. Look!” The instructor seemed to be impatient.
She committed the same mistake four times. It was weird. Jurina was always well known for her ability of memorizing choreography. She apologized the instructor and paid all attention on her instructor. She tried to memorize all the steps. She believed that she didn’t miss anything, but why did she still make mistake?
After the practice, Jurina quickly went to the restroom. She washed her face carefully. The water was cold, but good that was what she needed. She looked into the mirror. She saw a slight fog. There seemed to be something wrong with her eyes. Jurina washed her eyes again. Slowly. Carefully. And looked into the mirror again. The fog was still there. While she was going to wash her eyes one more time, Rena came.
“Jurina.”
“Ahh Rena chan…”
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah yeah I’m alright. I’m fine.” Jurina tried to be as usual.
“Are you sure? Today you’re… weird. Tired?” Rena doubtfully asked.
“No no, I’m not. I’m really not.” Jurina took back her cheerful voice and brightened her face.
Rena seemed not to be convinced, but she didn’t know what else to say. Jurina pushed Rena from the back.
“You care too much. This makes you old.”
“I am actually old.”
“What? Don’t say that. If people don’t know you age, they never think you’re older than I.”
Jurina was making the conversation become normal as usual. Rena was very subtle. Jurina knew better than anyone else. Jurina had to take action and stops Rena’s skepticism right away.
Jurina spent more sleeping time on watching choreography videos. She had to catch up with other members and she didn’t want anyone suspect her change. Back to a few weeks ago, everything had occurred in a few second but actually changed many things. During a stage with team K, Jurina rushed into backstage in order to change her clothes and prepare for the next song. An accident happened. Well, Jurina was always full of energy during every performance but she was still a 16 year old girl. She had her limit, and it just came in a very inappropriate moment. Jurina fell. Very quick. Her head hit the floor. No one noticed. Everyone had only a few seconds to get ready and Jurina was the last one who ran into backstage. She stood up immediately and followed other members. No one saw that moment, and Jurina didn’t say anything either. Jurina didn’t have much time to worry either, and she also forgot it easily.
However, when her vision got worse, she remembered that moment. Jurina went to the hospital in her rare day off. She was sneaky with a hat. It wasn’t a great idea to be recognized by either fans or members. And even staff.
“It’s very dangerous especially when you hit your head. Why didn’t you go to the hospital after the stage?”
“I… forgot.”
“You’re lucky. You’re fine. But your vision is affected. You can’t see well recently, right?”
Jurina nodded.
“I don’t want to scare you, but you should be prepared… If the worst thing comes, you may not see anymore.”
“Are you… serious? Any chance for me?”
“There is, but very slight. I’m trying to help you. I know you’re only 16, but you are Matsui Jurina and you’re different from your peers. So I guess I can be straightforward and tell you the truth. I’m really sorry…”
Jurina was shocked and scared. After all, she was only a 16 year old girl. She just happened to join the entertainment industry early, but it didn’t mean that people should always treat her as an adult. She was still 16. She still had worries and weak sides. However, she was alone right now. Actually she was. Who should she go and talk to? Mom? Dad? Staff? Members? Or Rena? She couldn’t talk to none.