JPHiP Forum
The Hello! Project Fanfics => H!P Fanfics => Topic started by: ShikyoxYaiba on July 15, 2008, 06:47:31 AM
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Alrighty, my first attempt at a H!P fic. (I've written fics before, but not for H!P. I just recently got back into writing again. I haven't been writing for a few months now... I hope it turned out okay.)
I was watching the psych test eps of Hello!Morning and I was wondering 'bout Sayu and Eri, seeing as how they got the same result twice. And well...that gives you the plot of my fic. I used the end part of Hello!Morning 315 to write the beginning. ^^ I wasn't sure about the title for this fic, but I'll leave it as is unless I can think of something better. XP
This fic is a THREE SHOT! (With an optional special at the end. You'll have to tell me if my writing burns your eyes or not. XD) Chapter 1 in Eri's View, Chapter 2 in Sayu's, and Chapter 3...I'll have you guys vote on that. ;) (If this fic gets that far.) It's meant to be a KameShige friendship fic, but if you wanna take it as KameShige itself, by all means go for it. (I haven't quite accustomed myself to writing with the H!P girls...more specifically, Morning Musume girls, together. But that's about to change very, very soon...)
So here it is, I present to you, my very first H!P fic! Enjoy, and make sure to give me every last bit of criticism that comes to mind. I can use all that I can get. Point out every little problem you see. (Lol, I have a tendency to screw with tenses, too...Sorry.)
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~My Apologies~
Chapter 1
[STORY HERE]
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So...I hope you guys liked chapter one. I actually find it lacking a bit of description...And sometimes, there's an action put in there that I can see in my own mind, but in writing, kinda seems out of place. (If you get what I mean.) It's not the usual fic for me to write, but the idea just wouldn't leave my head so I had to get it down. Make sure to let me know if there's any spelling mistakes or anything like that. I'll fix it asap! :) Chapter two is on it's way. (Again, if my writing doesn't burn straight through your eyes...)
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ohh cool! cnt wait~ ^^v :)
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I liked it are you sure its just friendship cuz i saw a hint of something else lol but yea i'm excited for the next chapter and so far my eyes are burn-free :P
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I liked it are you sure its just friendship cuz i saw a hint of something else lol but yea i'm excited for the next chapter and so far my eyes are burn-free :P
Only Kame and Sayu just don't see it themselves. ;) I'm working on chapter two now... :grin:
EDIT: And as I'm writing it, it feels as if I'm totally butchering Sayu's chapter. *wails in despair* :frustrated: :fainted:
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OOOOoohhhh, now i want to hear some good explanations from Eri. No one hurts my sayu, damn it!
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EDIT: And as I'm writing it, it feels as if I'm totally butchering Sayu's chapter. *wails in despair*
:O next chapter please :grin:
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This situation was a good idea for a story. I think the "stage personality vs real personality" of the girls is also an interesting concept and hasn't really been explored enough, especially in regard to Sayumi.
As far as criticism goes, I'd say that there are a lot of really short sentences that make it seem a bit choppy. I think you could combine many of them to make it flow better. Also, you could chalk it up to personal preference, but I don't particularly like the "breaking the fourth wall" convention (meaning writing like the character is talking directly to the audience) especially if it's not consistent throughout the story.
Nice work, keep at it!
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I like the way you portrayed Eri in this. For some reason, it seems different than any other way. I hope Sayu can let Eri talk to her. Hopefully, it will help them.
Awaiting the next ch. :D
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Ahhhh reading this brings back memories. I based a chapter of one of my previous fics on this scenario as well. It is a good plot especially considering how close KameShige are. I bet learning that Eri was "using her" hurt her a lot. I'm looking forward to reading the girl's POV, those are always nice to read. About your writing, try reading through the chapter a couple more times before posting. You can usually pick out mistakes in spelling, grammer or sentance flow.